Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

Gynovore posted:

Also how did he not go to jail in the first place? Being anywhere near an unlicensed gun is deep doo-doo.

Yeah, that's what I don't get. He gets caught at work with an illegal firearm and drugs. He should have been thrown in jail after a quick trial.

# ? Jun 11, 2017 16:21

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# ? May 10, 2024 22:09

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I guess you were drunk so logic can't really be expected, but that's still some really dumb logic. A burst of sadness at finding your dog dead and then dealing with it is a lot more preferable than days/weeks of searching and false hope.

Plus there's the fact that I wouldn't want a dead/probably bloody dog in my car messing up my seats, but that's a distant second concern from the moral one.

# ? Jun 11, 2017 16:25

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

limp_cheese posted:

Yeah, that's what I don't get. He gets caught at work with an illegal firearm and drugs. He should have been thrown in jail after a quick trial.

You know in some states an unlicensed firearm isn't illegal, right?

As a matter of fact, in Florida, its illegal to try and get a license, since that would be a gun registry which is banned in the Florida state constitution.

I read that as the guy didn't have a CHL, or the place was a guns banned on premises place. The former might be jail time if they called the cops, but its easier to just escort him out, and the second, at least in my experience living in the south, is just a fireable offense.

Hell, I worked on place that had a premises ban on gun, and it was common knowledge that every car in the lot(which was included in the ban) had at least one gun it in. Nothing was ever done because it just wasn't worth the effort if no one was flashing them around inside the building.

# ? Jun 11, 2017 16:37

alpaca diseases: May 19, 2009

kill yourself DUIgoon, no one will miss or mourn for you and the world will be a better place

e: clarity

alpaca diseases fucked around with this message at 18:14 on Jun 11, 2017

# ? Jun 11, 2017 17:25

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

I was driving home from work one night and this big loving dog ran out and committed suicide by Honda, doing about $2000 worth of damage and wouldn't you know it, nobody in that entire neighborhood even had a dog.

# ? Jun 11, 2017 17:57

8 Ball: Nov 27, 2010; My hands are all messed up so you better post, brother.

What is it with goons and throwing things off hills

# ? Jun 11, 2017 17:58

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Bring back my dead dog you worthless drunk

# ? Jun 11, 2017 18:05

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

RFC2324 posted:

You know in some states an unlicensed firearm isn't illegal, right?

As a matter of fact, in Florida, its illegal to try and get a license, since that would be a gun registry which is banned in the Florida state constitution.

I read that as the guy didn't have a CHL, or the place was a guns banned on premises place. The former might be jail time if they called the cops, but its easier to just escort him out, and the second, at least in my experience living in the south, is just a fireable offense.

Hell, I worked on place that had a premises ban on gun, and it was common knowledge that every car in the lot(which was included in the ban) had at least one gun it in. Nothing was ever done because it just wasn't worth the effort if no one was flashing them around inside the building.

Regardless of the legality of the gun, being busted with a firearm and illegal drugs is a serious felony. I'm not sure of the legality if he was in a state that had legal weed or he had a card. I just know having a gun while being busted for drugs is very very bad.

# ? Jun 11, 2017 18:06

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

Most companies are too chickenshit to call the police when poo poo goes down like this. My old company didn't even report an employee who was stealing from ATMs and admitted to it. Grand larceny was just ignored and they only fired the guy.

# ? Jun 11, 2017 19:12

Bubblyblubber: Nov 17, 2014

Nocheez posted:

Most companies are too chickenshit to call the police when poo poo goes down like this. My old company didn't even report an employee who was stealing from ATMs and admitted to it. Grand larceny was just ignored and they only fired the guy.

Why would companies be afraid of calling the cops? To much paperwork?

# ? Jun 11, 2017 19:40

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

I have no idea. My company was so afraid of getting sued that they would do anything to avoid the possibility. I don't think they ever went to court, they always settled for big money.

# ? Jun 11, 2017 20:04

Laughing Man: Feb 11, 2008; I thought what I’d do was pretend I was one of those deaf mutes, or something...

Bubblyblubber posted:

Why would companies be afraid of calling the cops? To much paperwork?

If I had to guess I wouldn't want to work with a company caught doing that poo poo, even if it was just one employee they let go. Always someone else you can call to handle your ATMs

# ? Jun 11, 2017 20:33

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Gynovore posted:

Also how did he not go to jail in the first place? Being anywhere near an unlicensed gun is deep doo-doo.

It's fake, hth

# ? Jun 11, 2017 22:02

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

bradzilla posted:

It's fake, hth

Just like every single fesh, I assume it's fake but still act as if it's true.

# ? Jun 11, 2017 22:27

Motherfucker: Jul 16, 2011; I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.

The first thing to do when you're born in the south is to leave the south, cut all ties with the south and forget all your southern relatives.

Being gay is not a part of this but it should sure provide some incentive to follow the basic protocol

# ? Jun 11, 2017 22:31

for fucks sake: Jan 23, 2016

loquacius posted:

I'm extremely gay

# ? Jun 11, 2017 23:04

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

Gay goon are you my eye doctor? Because if so, you're not fooling anyone.

# ? Jun 12, 2017 00:00

Neutrino: Mar 8, 2006; Fallen Rib

Closet goon needs to play the part of the cuck. Let girlfriend be sexed by straight goon. You watch and jack it to straight goon. Everybody wins.

# ? Jun 12, 2017 00:17

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Neutrino posted:

Closet goon needs to play the part of the cuck. Let girlfriend be sexed by straight goon. You watch and jack it to straight goon. Everybody wins.

Could this be the one time opening the relationship up could work?!

# ? Jun 12, 2017 00:39

grumplestiltzkin: Jun 7, 2012; Ass, gas, or grass. No one rides for free.

limp_cheese posted:

Regardless of the legality of the gun, being busted with a firearm and illegal drugs is a serious felony. I'm not sure of the legality if he was in a state that had legal weed or he had a card. I just know having a gun while being busted for drugs is very very bad.

Question 11e on the 4473 (federal form for buying/transferring a firearm) specifically asks whether or not you are an "unlawful user of, or addicted to, marijuana". Since weed is federally illegal, even if it's legal by state standards anyone who uses marijuana for any reason would either have to say no and lie (a crime in and of itself) or say yes and be denied the transfer. Getting hammered in the woods and shooting your empty cans is a proud American tradition, but god help you if you toke the devil's lettuce :freep:

# ? Jun 12, 2017 00:45

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Some time ago, me and a few friends went up to the mountains to basically drink all day and float on the river. We bought this big inflatable raft that seats 6 people and were ready for a great time.

We start drinking about 10 am, which was in hindsight a mistake. At noon we hit the water. 8 of us on the raft along with 4 cases of Natty Light. We start floating down the river.

By 1 pm we knew this was a mistake. The river is higher than expected thanks to some heavy rains over the past few weeks. We're moving faster down the river than expected, the current is rougher, and there's a lot of debris in the water. We decide to try and get to land and just finish the day drinking on the shore. We didn't bring oars or anything, so a bunch of us get out and decide to push the raft to the side.

We are lit at this point. I drop into the water and can barely keep my balance, the raft slips out of my hands and shoots ahead of me. The current pulls me behind but I can't catch up to the raft so i just swim to the shore. My friend Tom drops out of the raft and manages to grab on, trying to pull it to the side. His head pops under the water and the raft keeps going. I don't see Tom pop up and get nervous, so I swim over there as fast as possible.

I can't find him at all, I try diving under water but between the current and the debris I can't see poo poo or keep track of where I am. I try for 30 minutes and find nothing. I decide to catch up to the raft, hoping Tom is with them. I float down the river and finally catch them about 15 minutes later. No Tom.

We walk back up the shore and to the point where we lost Tom. We tie a rope around ourselves and all swim out there together. No Tom at all.

We call the police then and since the sun's going down, they hit the river with a boat and spotlight. And find Tom. His leg was caught in a gnarled tree branch, he never popped up from under the water.

drat

Only moral I can think of is "bring oars next time"

on a lighter note, here's gloryhole goon redux

quote:

You can tell "Anton Chigurh" (if that is his real name) that what I described was mostly tearoom etiquette:

https://www.nifty.org/nifty/information/tearoom-101

Some tearooms have gloryholes, but not all gloryholes are in tearooms.

My old university had a restroom with a gloryhole which gentrification has taken away, but the only others I've seen were in adult video stores. In that situation you just look through the hole. Usually you wait until they waggle a finger to make sure they want to be the sucker and not the suckee.

But otherwise, this all goes down in otherwise normal bathrooms. Most universities and shopping malls have one. Usually they're in a restroom that's not used super often - all you really need is a consistent 5-10 minute gap between patrons.

But it's a very delicate dance, since you occasionally get some idiot who sends all the signs but isn't DTF. The first sign is picking the closest stall. The second is the "tap" (which doesn't actually make noise). Personally, I usually wait until they do something no cop would, like peek under the stall or start tugging themselves off (you can usually see the shadow of a guy jerking it if you're in a good tearoom).

It makes me sad to say these places seem to be dying... grindr and craigslist seem to have scooped up all the people around my age and lots of the guys attending these venues aren't exactly Roger Sterling.

Also honestly, I'm a little surprised they are. Personally I take a break when dating a woman (which doesn't happen as often as I'd like since I am a goon), but frankly it'd be totally possible to take a detour from the Apple store to buy a charging cable to get a quick dick suck before going home to the missus. I see a lot of guys with wedding rings at these places. I don't know if they have an open relationship though, so I figure their fidelity is there problem... and they suck my dick real good.

Why would a cop pretend to be going to a gloryhole as a sting operation? If no money changes hands I don't think anonymous BJs are illegal for any reason :confused:

# ? Jun 12, 2017 02:13

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

BJs in public are not legally okay dude

# ? Jun 12, 2017 02:16

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Anne Whateley posted:

BJs in public are not legally okay dude

Yeah there is the public aspect, good point (I am tired)

If I were a cop I dunno if I'd bother to literally hang around public bathrooms for hours pretending to be looking for strange dick just for a shot at an indecent exposure bust, but I guess I could imagine some really old, bitter, deeply closeted police captain making gloryholes his white whale

# ? Jun 12, 2017 02:25

Captain Cool: Oct 23, 2004; This is a song about messin' with people who've been messin' with you

loquacius posted:

If I were a cop I dunno if I'd bother to literally hang around public bathrooms for hours pretending to be looking for strange dick just for a shot at an indecent exposure bust, but I guess I could imagine some really old, bitter, deeply closeted police captain making gloryholes his white whale

Sometimes they catch senators

# ? Jun 12, 2017 02:34

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

quote:

drowned friend goon

Let's see... Decided to raft down a river without bothering to check the conditions, getting drunk beforehand and having no safety equipment on the ride itself. I'm straining to feel any sympathy for op, your friend would still be alive with even a small amount of forethought or preparation.

# ? Jun 12, 2017 02:42

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

bradzilla posted:

Let's see... Decided to raft down a river without bothering to check the conditions, getting drunk beforehand and having no safety equipment on the ride itself. I'm straining to feel any sympathy for op, your friend would still be alive with even a small amount of forethought or preparation.

You broke the RULES of RAFTING so your friend DESERVED to DIE get fuckin owned get OWNED

# ? Jun 12, 2017 03:45

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

sugar free jazz posted:

You broke the RULES of RAFTING so your friend DESERVED to DIE get fuckin owned get OWNED

He's not wrong :shrug:

it's still sad and all that but the rules exist to prevent exactly that kind of situation.

# ? Jun 12, 2017 04:25

The Rabbi T. White: Jul 17, 2008

loquacius posted:

Why would a cop pretend to be going to a gloryhole as a sting operation? If no money changes hands I don't think anonymous BJs are illegal for any reason

If I recall correctly, an anti-gay senator was snapped at an airport bathroom via a sting in this manner...?

# ? Jun 12, 2017 05:19

Tacky-Ass Rococco: Sep 7, 2010; by R. Guyovich

sugar free jazz posted:

You broke the RULES of RAFTING so your friend DESERVED to DIE get fuckin owned get OWNED

# ? Jun 12, 2017 05:44

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

sugar free jazz posted:

You broke the RULES of RAFTING so your friend DESERVED to DIE get fuckin owned get OWNED

durrrrr

Show me where I said he deserved to die? not having sympathy =/= you deserved it. Just, it could've been easily prevented.

# ? Jun 12, 2017 12:37

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Dude was literally up a river with no paddle while super drunk. Sucks that he's dead, but that's still a whole lot of stupid decisions packed into one day.

# ? Jun 12, 2017 13:41

Space Camp fuckup: Aug 2, 2003

bradzilla posted:

durrrrr

Show me where I said he deserved to die? not having sympathy =/= you deserved it. Just, it could've been easily prevented.

Good tip, thanks for posting

# ? Jun 12, 2017 16:40

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

loquacius posted:

I was alone and ran into [FAMOUS PERSON] and he or she said [FUNNY THING] and I got a [MEMENTO PROVING THIS HAPPENED]!

These are always fake as poo poo. At least this one didn't start with "NOBODY WILL EVER BELIEVE THIS BUT"

You wanna hear a true story about running into a famous person? One time I met Bruce Campbell. He was grumpy because the autograph session at a speech of his went way over time. That's all that happened.

Here's another one: I saw H. Jon Benjamin one time and he just sort of nodded and kept walking. I didn't get his autograph and he didn't say anything funny to me, or indeed at all.

Also, Greek restaurant guy, thanks for the update but you're still an idiot for reasons mentioned by other posters earlier. At least you learned a lesson vis a vis covering your junk. Too bad you're soldiering on with this failed project though.

If you insist on continuing this exercise in futility, lay off errbody, then hire one chef and one part-timer to help you wait your eight tables during peak times. You do all the other work. Also come up with some cheap combos because seven bucks for a gyro sounds like too much if you're trying to attract the "I need something quick and cheap" lunch and dinner crowds, but I don't know what things cost where you are so it might be spot on.

# ? Jun 12, 2017 16:50

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Space Camp fuckup posted:

Good tip, thanks for posting

bradzilla posted:

durrrrr

# ? Jun 12, 2017 17:02

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

One time I met the guy who played Doug Stamper on House Of Cards because he has an apartment on the Lower East Side near my wife's grandma's apartment where we were staying. He was trying to get in the security gate we were leaving through, and I was staring because I recognized him but my wife was staring because she just thought he was trying to sneak into the gate without a key. He sort of said "yeah, hi guys" sheepishly and kept going and as soon as he left I googled "doug stamper actor name" followed by "michael kelly lower east side???"

I couldn't say hi because I had no idea what his real name was

Good news if you don't like celebrity confessions though because we've got one claiming to be Dane Cook

quote:

For the other goon in this thread that wondered what happened to Dane Cook - I'm doing just fine.

I'm married to a woman much hotter than any woman you could ever DREAM of. I'm richer than you'll ever be in your life. In fact, add up the wealth of yourself, your parents, and your grandparents. Got it figured out, numbskull? Multiply that by 10. That's not even close to what I have.

I'm still acting. Ever heard of a TV show called American Gods? Critically acclaimed, tons of viewers, and yeah... I'm in it. Ever been in a Pixar movie? I'm in two. Starring in 2. Ever voiced a cartoon character in a Pixar movie? Ever heard of the movie 400 Days? I'm in that, too. How many movies are you in again? None?

So before you go running your mouth and assume I'm not doing well, take a step back. Google yourself and see what pops up. Then google my name, like I did to find this STUPID loving CONFESSION.

Maybe go print up all the google hits of my name, then the hits on your name. Put them in 2 stacks to compare them. I have a hunch who's bigger, and much like penis size and bank account, I win over you.

this is actually a fairly believable Dane Cook impression even if the more likely scenario is "goon who looked up Dane Cook's IMDB profile"

For the record, I haven't watched American Gods yet but I read the book, and from the IMDB summary he's in one episode as who I'm guessing is the guy the main character's ex cheated on him with

quote:

My daughter graduated from preschool today. As a cute thing, they had all the kids stand up and say what they wanted to be when they grow up.

My daughter stood up as tall as possible, had a big smile on her face, and yelled out "I wanna be an rear end in a top hat just like my dad!"

My wife and I fight a lot, and her go-to insult is always rear end in a top hat. I never realized how bad it was until now. I feel like the worst loving father ever.

Awww, that's adorable :unsmith:

Don't worry, this proves that you're a good dad, even if it also proves you are a horrible husband

# ? Jun 12, 2017 17:23

grumplestiltzkin: Jun 7, 2012; Ass, gas, or grass. No one rides for free.

sugar free jazz posted:

You broke the RULES of RAFTING so your friend DESERVED to DIE get fuckin owned get OWNED

this but unironically

# ? Jun 12, 2017 21:32

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

How is the last one even a anonymous confession, holy jesus people. Somebody please murder someone and then confess about it, this is terrible

# ? Jun 12, 2017 21:38

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Police Automaton posted:

How is the last one even a anonymous confession, holy jesus people. Somebody please murder someone and then confess about it, this is terrible

We know better than to confess around robocop

# ? Jun 12, 2017 21:41

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I'm a fairly well known screenwriter and have worked on a variety of movies since 2005. Sometimes I'm credited as the writer, sometimes I do minor revisions and punch ups, but it's a good job if you can get it. Here's some stuff, because I love this thread.

There's multiple versions to all the Transformers movies floating out there, including ones all about the robots and ones where the robots don't even talk. I personally worked on one titled "Transformers: Dreadnought" which was about the moon being revealed as a giant rock covered Transformer named Unicron, which attempted to destroy the entire Earth. Maybe that comes after the next movie, who knows?

There's a script floating out there, unloved and unwanted, called "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark". It's about a boyscout troop who gets lost in the woods overnight. Something is in the woods near them, and to keep their minds off of it, the scout leader has them all tell scary stories. All based off those old books every kid loved and was terrified of. 5 short stories - the killer scarecrow, the spider eggs in the face, the decapitated woman who wears a ribbon to keep her head on, the hook handed killer, and the guy who finds a big toe in his field. A good mix of weird and scary and darkly funny. As the movie goes on the night gets darker and weirder around the boyscout troop. At the end, the kids all realize that nothing is as scary as their imagination, one kid even says "I guess there's nothing in real life to be that scared of"- until the scoutmaster pulls off his face, revealing a skull with bloodshot eyes and says "Are ya sure about that??!?"

I worked on the soon-to-come Nightmare on Elm Street reboot (2nd attempt). I have no idea about casting, so I can't say anything on that. But the script is a back to basics deal I hope makes for a better film than the recent remake.

I met Tom Cruise once and he was super nice to me. He still sends me a Christmas card every year with $5 in it, like he's my uncle or something.

On the other hand, I met John Rhys Davies. He might have just been in a bad mood, but he was really rude and even let out a giant fart in the middle of us talking, then acted like nothing happened.

The scary movie sounds cheesy as hell but I guess that's kind of the point. Are kids' horror movies that big of a genre?

quote:

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to face, and I'm still not sure, but I believe my daughter isn't my biological daughter.

My wife and I have a good marriage but, let's be honest, the temptation is always out there to cheat. Especially for women. My wife is a reformed slut (3 boyfriends before she met me in college) but I know the urges can still happen.

We had our first child back in October. She was beautiful and sweet and, unfortunately, not at all like me. I've tried to connect with her in a lot of things I enjoy (video games, youtube videos, legos, organizing things) and she just stares at me. But her mother will read her some dumb story or sing to her. I don't like music and I don't read, so yeah, I'm a bit suspicious already.

My wife also has a coworker, Erik. Erik is supposedly gay and even married to another guy, but I honestly believe it's a scam to take advantage of women. Erik is really good looking, in really good shape, and charming. He's basically a perfect Chad. I'm not the most attractive guy in the face and I do get paranoid my wife will leave me randomly and gently caress me over in the divorce.

I am considering asking for a paternity test but I know this will hurt our marriage a bit.

I was kind of checked out of this one after "reformed slut" but yeah I think also an 8-month-old failing to respond properly to video games is something any parent would learn pretty quickly not to take personally

On that note here's another

quote:

Hi there! Since I was a little kid I have picked my nose and eaten my boogers. I had a close friend whose dad noticed me doing it and tried to kind of nicely guilt me into not doing it when I was about 10. I was really ashamed, and after being spotted that time I vowed to stop doing it. But, that lasted about a day before I was digging in there again.

I've learned to hide it and now I only do it when I'm totally alone, or driving in the car when no one can see me. I am pretty fidgety, I bite my nails, chew on ice, bite my lips, and have smoked cigarette cigarettes then quit a few times. Quitting smoking cigarettes is way easier than not picking my nose... I think my ex wife spotted me at least once, and I think she already knew I did that, but didn't want to embarrass me by calling attention to it.

It's objectively disgusting and I'm even disgusted if I catch someone else doing it, but I'm a weird fidgety spaz and I can't stop. I've been doing this all of my conscious life and now I'm well into my 30s. I'm otherwise a very clean, normal, and hygenic person. You probably wouldn't know I was a disgusting monster if you met me.

How many freaks like me are out there? I don't really have any idea, as I have basically never talked to anyone about it as an adult.

Gross dude

Referring you to the thread title -- cognitive behavioral therapy can help people quit compulsive habits like this and you need to quit this one bud

# ? Jun 12, 2017 21:52

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# ? May 10, 2024 22:09

got any sevens: Feb 9, 2013; by Cyrano4747

Lol the bad paternity dad used the "chad" lingo, he's gonna get divorced within a few years

Videogames are bad for kids brains anyway, 'your' daughter will be better off without them

# ? Jun 12, 2017 22:03

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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