Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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kanonvandekempen: Mar 14, 2009

Anton Chigurh posted:

He'd also have a large legal bill.

The age of 16 may be legal in most states, but the age difference is also important. Some states have so-called Romeo and Juliet laws to protect the older participant in such cases if the age difference is only a few years. A 16-year-old with a 19-year-old may be fine under that law, but with a 30-year-old it would be illegal.

If this sounds confusing to anyone, the fourth transformers movie has a scene where this is explained in detail. It is one of the weirder scenes in Blockbuster cinema for me.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 14:42

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# ? May 18, 2024 00:49

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I go out of my way to piss people off in life, hoping for a confrontation and a fight.

Cashiers, waiters, people at the grocery store.... none are safe.

I go home after work and punch my heavy bag for sometimes hours at a time just to let out my aggression. I jerk off as fast and violently as possible. Everything I do is boiling over with aggression. I sleep on a board to toughen my back muscles and piss me off even more.

I don't know why I do this. It's the only thing that makes me feel human. Just pray to God you don't fight me.

I'd tell you to see a psychiatrist and get some meds but you don't seem to have a problem with your way of life so I doubt you'd do it either way

quote:

My daughter recently turned 8 and, up until now, has been an amazing kid. Smart, kind to other kids, respectful of her mother and I, and overall I'm really proud of her.

However, recently her mother and I were watching the movie Commando. Our daughter had been put to bed and we thought things were safe. As we were watching the movie our daughter runs into the living room. This happens almost exactly when Arnold lets off his famous "Let off some steam" gag as he kills Bennett. My wife and I turned off the TV and were prepared to discuss TV violence vs real violence with out daughter, but instead she just smiled and said "Sorry I interrupted the movie, I just forgot my doll" then walked up to bed. I went up and asked if anything in the movie bothered her, and she said "No it's all fake but that was pretty funny".

Since then she has been speaking in puns nearly every day, usually punctuated with some action. For example, this morning before school she tossed a waffle covered in syrup at her plate, then flipped it upside down and said "Stick around, Mr. Waffle". Her puns are usually on this level - like we had a bird get into the house once. I got a fishing net to grab it and as I swung and got the bird, my daughter said "Looks like your net savings are gone, birdy". Or one time I caught her at Wal-mart turning on all the box fans and saying "Time to meet your biggest fan" to herself.

I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. She's not being violent and, when her mother and I talked to her, she just said "I like making funny jokes and these are better than knock knocks" which is true. But it is a bit worrying.

puns

# ? Jun 20, 2017 14:46

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

She who would pun would pick a pocket.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:05

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

Your daughter is fine, man. Be glad she picked puns to be fixated on and not her own feces or something worse.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:07

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

my daughter makes cute puns and I need to share this anonymously

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:08

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Just tell her to make puns that don't require throwing your possessions around the house like a maniac?

Fight goon, keep doing what you're doing. We need more people like you out there. Maybe less people would act like smarmy fucks if they were more constantly aware that violent psychos are everywhere. I'm not about to risk jail time for it, but I'm glad there are people like you who will.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:09

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

Punchbag guy is literally my anti particle, as it's my life's mission to gently caress up as many rude people as I can.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:09

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Torquemada posted:

Punchbag guy is literally my anti particle, as it's my life's mission to gently caress up as many rude people as I can.

Hey, this is even better. I salute you both

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:10

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

You should show your daughter Batman & Robin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRH-Ywpz1_I

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:16

rezatahs: Jun 9, 2001; by Smythe

all these years i've been lifting weights like a dummy to strengthen my back muscles when i could've just been sleeping on a board

why do angry dorks always do ridiculous poo poo to GIT TUFF instead of doing actual proven poo poo that humanity has known about for thousands of years?

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:19

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

Dude's daughter owns and he should her True Lies.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:19

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

If she likes puns then you can't do much better than Loaded Weapon 1. Bad movie, but full of puns.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:32

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

rezatahs posted:

all these years i've been lifting weights like a dummy to strengthen my back muscles when i could've just been sleeping on a board

why do angry dorks always do ridiculous poo poo to GIT TUFF instead of doing actual proven poo poo that humanity has known about for thousands of years?

Because working out takes effort and sleeping doesn't, also they know a secret way to be totally better than dumb jocks who make fun of them. See: "training" with a katana/bo staff/nunchaku (actually just flailing around the yard with a weapon until mom yells at them to knock it off), focusing your ki energy (just sitting in a room alone hating dumb sex-havers), and other poo poo like wearing heavy clothes or whatever they saw in an anime

Really anything to not have to expend any actual effort toward self-improvement because it's hard ok

# ? Jun 20, 2017 15:44

Neutrino: Mar 8, 2006; Fallen Rib

Yeah, unfortunately the pun daughter may grow up to be either a famous stand-up comedienne or a scriptwriter at this rate. Try not to encourage her or you'll probably just have to cut her out of your life.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 18:55

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

This is how Amy Schumer was created

# ? Jun 20, 2017 19:00

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

fruit on the bottom posted:

This is how Amy Schumer was created

There is nothing wrong with Amy Schumer :colbert:

# ? Jun 20, 2017 19:12

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I think we all know the confessor is just some guy thinking of what clever puns he wish he could make to other people and made up a daughter so it wouldn't seem as lame.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 19:15

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I honestly cannot think of a worthwhile response to either of these but they're both worth reading

I dunno maybe I'm just tired

quote:

I was a pretty nerdy kid in high school but not super socially awkward and I ended up dating a few girls. When I got to college, though, I was single and eager to meet new people. When I moved in as a freshman I could tell my roommate was going to be weird - he had a disassembled computer that took up the entire kitchen table, tons of anime wallscrolls hanging everywhere, and he put blackout curtains up on his window so he could sleep all day. But whatever, college was new and I was willing to make friends.

That weekend he and some of his friends from high school which had also gone to our college were playing board games and invited me to play with them. I hadn't made any friends yet and had no plans, so I agreed. There were 9 of us total, and it ended up being a fairly fun night. There were 4 girls in group. None were conventionally attractive by any stretch, but they were nice enough. So a few weeks later, when they told me about their hookups, I was into it.

Long story short, they had all been friends in high school. As they grew up they all found out they had trouble talking to the opposite sex but still liked getting off, so they started banging every weekend and playing board games. Weird, but I'm sure other teens had similar things going on. They invited me to join and, being a nerdy kid who was horny a lot, I agreed.

Over the next few months I was a part of their nerdy orgies. We'd usually get takeout Chinese, play some board games, then gently caress and suck. I experimented with the guys but mostly focused on the girls. And it was a greasy, chubby, flabby, hairy blob of sex. But we did a lot of stuff I never did before and haven't done since. Got my rear end in a top hat licked, licked other's assholes, DP, anal with a guy, bukkake, having fingers shoved up my butt. It was a pretty good experience for me to experiment, but I wouldn't go back.

We eventually ended it after one of the guys got a crush on a girl and it ballooned into everybody taking sides. The next year I had a different roommate and lost contact with everybody.

Nowadays when i talk about my college life I just omit all of that.

quote:

My brother threw a big party on New Year's and invited basically ever living relative within 100 miles. It was honestly a pretty fun time and a good way to catch up with people. I asked him what was going on, what spurred this big meeting. He said "I'm quitting my job to start my own business" and my heart sunk.

The whole party was a front for this meeting, looking for "investors" in his new business. And what was his great business? He was "inventing the next big thing". Unfortunately, he scammed some relatives and ended up getting about $10k out of that meeting. He used that money plus a loan to open a store front, design a logo, furnish his store, and start working with customers. Which is where it all goes to hell.

I went to go visit him back in April to see how things were going. It's not good. The office is literally just 2 big desks, a bunch of pamphlets printed on a spinner rack, and a receptionist desk with (an admittedly ridiculously hot) secretary. I asked my brother if he had any clients and he said that he was retooling the office to be a work environment and would charge people by the hour to the come in and invent things, which he would then help market. I asked how many people have done that. He said none. As far as I know, nobody has jumped on this loving idiotic business model. Then he asked if I wanted to see his invention, the thing that was going to really make the money. I of course said yes.

My brother created a VR simulation sex doll for watching pornography.

It's admittedly really good at what it's supposed to do - it's a bunch of gently caress holes mounted on an approximation of a human body. It also feels like a real person, especially when you've got the VR headset on and don't realize your just touching rubber and silicone. It's got multiple motors in there so it moves realistically - it doesn't just lay there while you thrust into it, it reacts somewhat like a living thing. Plus it breathes and you can feel a heartbeat and all kinds of insane detail. And it even has a self lubricating vagina and mouth which I assume is pretty state of the art of this stuff. My brother has been sparse on details until he patents this thing, but apparently it's an artificial medical cadaver with a bunch of extra stuff added. I did not gently caress it, FYI, but I can see how this would be appealing if this is your kind of thing.

My parents asked me to report on how things were going, and I just said "okay". Imagine telling your parents that your "genius" brother is inventing fuckdolls - I didn't wanna tackle that.

I think my brother might get rich off this - but I also think his talent is being wasted here.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 19:21

Unbelievably Fat Man: Jun 1, 2000; Innocent people. I could never hurt innocent people.

My god. Your brother is going to end human civilization on our own terms without nuclear Apocalypse or anything. He is history's greatest hero.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 19:26

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

loquacius posted:

I honestly cannot think of a worthwhile response to either of these but they're both worth reading

I dunno maybe I'm just tired

Saying nothing is better than saying something for the sake of it, without really having something to say.

That being said: those confessions :stare:

# ? Jun 20, 2017 19:33

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I expected that second one to go down the standard MLM route. I wasn't expecting the fuckdolls.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 19:35

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Your brother still looking for investors? Getting in (heh) on the ground floor of VR fuckbots sounds like an awesome way to print money.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 20:00

Theotus: Nov 8, 2014

Where's the kickstarter?

# ? Jun 20, 2017 20:05

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

You guys will be sorry when we're all living under the bootheel of the Gazorpazorp empire :colbert:

# ? Jun 20, 2017 20:05

Theotus: Nov 8, 2014

loquacius posted:

You guys will be sorry when we're all living under the bootheel of the Gazorpazorp empire

You don't understand, she gets me.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 20:07

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

Rupert Buttermilk posted:

There is nothing wrong with Amy Schumer

Ugh, the lowest confession in this thread. She's basically a female Dane Cook.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 20:47

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

loquacius posted:

You guys will be sorry when we're all living under the bootheel of the Gazorpazorp empire

Looking at the last five years worldwide I'd give them a go. Maybe a new approach would help!

# ? Jun 20, 2017 20:56

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I do not want my gently caress doll to be able to get pregnant. That's gotta be like one of the biggest selling points of gently caress dolls.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 20:58

klafbang: Nov 18, 2009; Clapping Larry

yeah I eat rear end posted:

I expected that second one to go down the standard MLM route. I wasn't expecting the fuckdolls.

Would you say it was a happy ending?

# ? Jun 20, 2017 21:23

Anton Chigurh: Mar 18, 2008; Can't post for 9 years!

Nocheez posted:

Ugh, the lowest confession in this thread. She's basically a female Dane Cook.

Agreed. Perhaps she hasn't reached Dane Cook levels of annoying yet (at least for me), she probably will within a year.

My gf and I watched her Netflix show, The Leather Special, and I think we each laughed once during the entire hour. It was pretty bad.

We both liked her movie Trainwreck, but that movie seems like it was ages ago now � back when she could be funny.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 21:34

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

klafbang posted:

Would you say it was a happy ending?

That remains to be seen once mine is delivered.

# ? Jun 20, 2017 22:06

soy: Jul 7, 2003; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

How is cyborg babby formed?

# ? Jun 21, 2017 00:25

Mycroft Holmes: Mar 26, 2010; by Azathoth

soy posted:

How is cyborg babby formed?

how pc get pregnant

# ? Jun 21, 2017 00:44

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

soy posted:

How is cyborg babby formed?

I'm pretty sure Shepherd has to pick the green option.

# ? Jun 21, 2017 00:45

potee: Jul 23, 2007; Or, you know.

Not fine.

soy posted:

How is cyborg babby formed?

dont copy that floppy

# ? Jun 21, 2017 00:59

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Hi I confessed some time back to enjoying masturbation while watching the TV Show Mighty Magiswords. But since then it's basically disappeared off the TV which is NOT GOOD for me in more ways than one.

1) Can't jack off
2) Semen buildup
3) Cant' focus with 2(

If one of you goons in the animation indisturty did this PLESASE GET ME SHOW BACK ON THE AIR. I literally feel like I',mc carrying 2 bowling balls twixt my legs.

it was me

quote:

Let's get this upfront: I am a psychic alien. I'm not from space, I just traveled through a lot of it to come help you dumb fucks. When I was growing up I started developing psychic powers which is usual for my people except that I had exceptional talent at it and quickly solved all societal problems on my homeworld which has no spelling in your pathetically simple human language. So I left and headed to the next inhabited world which is the one you call Earth.

Unfortunately this is where my plans went wrong. There is among you humans one who has vast psychic powers almost equal to my own, and completely opposed to my own purpose which is helping your stupid species fix your drat problems. He is in fact a psychopath who wishes to either rule Earth or, barring that, burn it to a cinder. I fight him mentally every night from my moon base which due to his incredible level of mental disturbance he interprets as me wanting to destroy Earth. (He has a huge ego and imagines himself = Earth.) If I cannot defeat him before my food supply runs out he will rapidly gain power and become a thousand times worse than the one you call Hitler.

I urge you to identify this human among you and defeat him physically so that I may bring enlightenment to your planet. This is why I have hacked into your wireless networks using alien technology and am revealing myself to you on this forum which is obviously where the elite intelligences of your race congregate for discourse. All I know of him is that he is wealthy, engaged in the movement of capitalist commerce, was an excellent 'foot ball' player in his youth (this is confusing to me as my species does not have 'feet' yet your sport doesn't require them?) and that although he identifies as male his reproductive appendage is five standard deviations smaller than the mean size for your species.

Please defeat him quickly as I suspect he is learning to interface psychically with the antimatter reactor controls of my base and if he is able to bypass the safety interlocks the resulting destruction would be most

well, normally when someone sends in a confession that is just a reply to an earlier confession my response is "just post in the thread, that's what it's for"

so let's see what your SA account is, Mr Psychic Alien :smugbert:

also your information is wrong; feet are actually essential to the playing of football

I challenge anyone ITT to name me a football player who doesn't have feet

# ? Jun 21, 2017 03:00

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

quote:

this forum which is obviously where the elite intelligences of your race congregate for discourse

Umm alien have you read the forums like at all recently?

# ? Jun 21, 2017 08:53

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

It's me, I'm the evil human

# ? Jun 21, 2017 10:14