Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

DivineCoffeeBinge posted:

This.

Richgoon, don't listen to anyone telling you not to coast through life, half of those fuckers would coast in a heartbeat if they thought they could get away with it. Coast like a motherfucker.

Also consider that blimp plan that's good poo poo

Office Space

Peter: What would you do if you had a million dollars? I would relax... I would sit on my rear end all day... I would do nothing.

Lawrence: Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he's broke, don't do poo poo.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 04:49

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# ? May 10, 2024 15:22

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Gotta say, child sex ring goon, you seem to be handling your whole situation better than just regular goons that have to deal with a 30 minute downtime of Diablo 3.

edit:

loq posted:

Okay, well, I appreciate the praise, but I assure you that if you have actual serious problems, this thread is not the next best thing to therapy. I spend more time making fun of confessors than actually giving them advice, and this last page is mostly pirate jokes.

Sky pirate jokes. Let's get this right.

Solice Kirsk fucked around with this message at 05:56 on Jul 4, 2017

# ? Jul 4, 2017 05:53

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Sky pirate jokes. Let's get this right.

Don Carnage: cool or lame?

# ? Jul 4, 2017 06:04

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Disney villain = cool

There are very few exceptions to that. The Horned King, Maleficent, Gaston, Scar, Gronk form the first Emperor's New Groove. Yeah, they all rule.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 06:31

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

I'm just feeling this out. For some reason, I worried that question could only be answered in a horrible way.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 06:49

Spikey Willow: Feb 26, 2008

Gynovore posted:

Obviously fake, but you didn't even pick a good example. "I'm Blue" is a cool song but it topped out at 6 on Billboard. And the music video was rated the 35th worst ever.

http://www.nme.com/list/50-worst-music-videos-ever-1371

Also it's not called "I'm Blue". Presumably someone who did the video for it would know the correct name.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 06:49

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

He's obviously just a plant from the Venga Boys to thwart the creative genius that is Eiffel 65. Nice try you shill!

# ? Jul 4, 2017 07:07

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

Found the namesake post for the thread title and I'm underwhelmed. Also surprised no one mentioned that therapists are jokingly said to learn about therapy to fix themselves. Further surprised no one interpreted it as a gloat confession, as if the immense taboo would be lost on anyone.

Okay I take that back, it was a good confession.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 07:47

Guni: Mar 11, 2010

Elsa posted:

Found the namesake post for the thread title and I'm underwhelmed. Also surprised no one mentioned that therapists are jokingly said to learn about therapy to fix themselves. Further surprised no one interpreted it as a gloat confession, as if the immense taboo would be lost on anyone.

Okay I take that back, it was a good confession.

Read the subsequent 'fessions.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 08:21

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

Guni posted:

Read the subsequent 'fessions.

The therapy follow ups also seemed like more gloating. The rest of the confessions were okay.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 10:25

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Gynovore posted:

Obviously fake, but you didn't even pick a good example. "I'm Blue" is a cool song but it topped out at 6 on Billboard. And the music video was rated the 35th worst ever.

http://www.nme.com/list/50-worst-music-videos-ever-1371

I suspect that one might have been a joke

we may have been bamboozled here :eyepop:

quote:

I just ruined my life, my wife's life, and my 2 sons' lives.

My job random drug tests, but it's something nobody ever preps for. I've been here 9 years and never once was tested or heard of anyone being tested. So yeah, I do drugs at times. Wife and I enjoy weed every few weekends to chill out, I go a bit harder but I'm safe about it.

This weekend my best friend got married. It was his last time as a bachelor so yes, we partied. Mostly weed but some stuff to help us party and a lot of edibles like mushroom candy. The drive home from the wedding I was literally passing out driving (wife was alseep and so were the kids so I was the only one who could drive) so I took some stuff to wake me up and get us home safely.

Anyway I get to work today, Monday, and can sense poo poo is going down. Then the managers come by - random drug screening for everyone, company policy, anyone who refuses is automatically given a failure. Failing the drug test doesn't guarantee being fired, but come on. It will happen. There have been downsizing talks for months and I'm sure this is an easy way to get rid of people. I touch a lot of important financial stuff throughout my day, and a bunch of idiots will think that I need to be stone cold sober constantly to handle it.

I pissed in the cup. I'm sure that urine is so hot it gives off light. I will fail that test, and I will be fired. You might get a slap on the wrist for a little weed, but I've got several hundred dollars worth of drugs flowing in my blood right now.

We have no savings. My kids are both in hockey and that's expensive as hell. My wife is a stay at home mom. To make matters worse, I will have to explain that I lied to my wife. I told her I drove home sober and that I only did "a little cocaine" at the bachelor party. She wasn't happy about that, she's gonna flip when I'm honest about all the drugs I used.

yikes

If I were you I'd have quit "in protest" before taking the test, a little plausible deniability there, but what's past is past

quote:

I'm a reformed pedophile. Obviously, I don't tell people this, let alone on these forums.

I was attracted to much younger girls. From the age of 24 to 27 I dated a 13 year old girl in secret.Yes, we did things that would get me sent in jail. She always consented but she was just a dumb kid and I fully admit I was taking advantage of her. It was entirely a power thing - I'm an insecure underachieving piece of poo poo in my normal life, but compared to a teenager I seem like a superstar.

We eventually ended things and, thankfully, she never told anyone. I never had an extended relationship like that, but I did go on "dates" with girls around that same age. I also chatted with a lot of young girls online, spent tons of time on things like Disney messageboards, youtube channels for young girls, and scanning through twitter for teenage girls posting risque pics. I'd engage them and see what happened, I had close to 50 different twitter accounts for this, in case I was ever found out.

One day I was going to meet a girl at the park and got a flat tire on the way. I was in a cellphone deadzone and couldn't text her, so I ended up running about 25 minutes late. When I got there I saw a police car patrolling the area and freaked out. I started slowing down a bit then, but it took 4 more close calls for me to stop. At that point I destroyed my laptop and scattered the pieces in 10 different places. I got rid of everything else that linked me to any of these girls (gifts they got me, gifts I had for them) and installed a bunch of parental blockers onto my phone to prevent me from absent mindedly accessing this poo poo and getting right back where I was.

It's been almost a year and I haven't slipped back yet. If I do, I don't see any solution except to kill myself or chemically castrate myself.

Sounds about right, but even if you keep yourself on the straight and narrow for the rest of your life that one girl is still hosed-up permanently

Seek therapy. Even if you don't want to admit to what you did explicitly to the therapist, you seem pretty aware that everything was caused by your own issues and you should get them addressed.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 13:27

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

it's another holiday doublepost, happy america day everyone :911:

quote:

Church is pretty important to my girlfriend and, in order to get closer to her, I've started going with her and her family every Sunday. She's never said I need to go, but it's definitely helping our relationship and I'm sure it's helping my relationship with her parents.

My confession is that, during church, I don't pay attention at all. This past Sunday I imagined 2 giant robots fighting across the pews while the preacher talked about the importance of the Sabbath. I am a 23 year old man.

If she quizzed me on this stuff I'd just stare at her blankly. When her family asks what I thought of the sermon I just say generic poo poo like "It was uplifting" or "It moved me".

I wouldn't worry, as I understand it nobody else in the whole drat building is paying attention at all

quote:

First off, gently caress YOU DONALD TRUMP.

I voted for this fucker and he's lied about every single thing I voted him in for. I work at carrier and, go figure, just found out I'm being laid off while the jobs move to mexico. I loving THOUGHT TRUMP STOPPED THIS BUT I GUESS NOT AND IT TURNS OUT loving SEAN SPICER JUST SAID IT DOESN'T MATTER.

my life is over. gently caress you Trump, gently caress you Republicans, you ruined another life.

If a Republican politician tells you he is going to help you, and you are not rich, he is lying. He in fact cannot help you, even if he wanted to, because it is impossible to do this as a Republican. Their system doesn't allow it. Too many Very Important People would disapprove. Conservative populism in the 21st century is bullshit lies and unicorn dreams, and what we're seeing right now is solid proof.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 13:32

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

quote:

First off, gently caress YOU DONALD TRUMP.

I voted for this fucker and he's lied about every single thing I voted him in for. I work at carrier and, go figure, just found out I'm being laid off while the jobs move to mexico. I loving THOUGHT TRUMP STOPPED THIS BUT I GUESS NOT AND IT TURNS OUT loving SEAN SPICER JUST SAID IT DOESN'T MATTER.

my life is over. gently caress you Trump, gently caress you Republicans, you ruined another life.

Fuckin lol

# ? Jul 4, 2017 13:39

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

Pedogoon skip the therapy and just kill yourself.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 13:39

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

Ah, the classic fable of the scorpion and the idiot.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 13:43

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

Also I have no sympathy for you if you voted Republican. It's probably a fake confession though.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 13:45

mfcrocker: Jan 31, 2004; Hot Rope Guy

Druggoon, just say you got busted for the cocaine you took. Yeah you're gonna still end up in an argument but a much smaller one.

Also stop drug driving you colossal oval office

# ? Jul 4, 2017 14:04

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Pirate eyepatches aren't for missing eyes, you uncultured dickheads. It's so your one eye is accustomed to the dark for when you go below deck.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 14:10

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

KomodoWagon posted:

Pirate eyepatches aren't for missing eyes, you uncultured dickheads. It's so your one eye is accustomed to the dark for when you go below deck.

sky pirates have electricity and gas lamps you terrestrial plebeian.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 14:14

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

mfcrocker posted:

Druggoon, just say you got busted for the cocaine you took. Yeah you're gonna still end up in an argument but a much smaller one.

Also stop drug driving you colossal oval office

Driving your kids and spouse around while drugged up is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. Get help, this is a wake-up call.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 14:14

Jim Barris: Aug 13, 2009

Nocheez posted:

Driving your kids and spouse around while drugged up is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.

You must not read this thread much.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 14:16

shut up blegum: Dec 17, 2008; --->Plastic Lawn<---

Druggoon, your story doesn't make sense. Who has their bachelor party and their wedding in the same weekend? Unless you live in the 'Bachelor' movie universe?

# ? Jul 4, 2017 14:23

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

KomodoWagon posted:

Pirate eyepatches aren't for missing eyes, you uncultured dickheads. It's so your one eye is accustomed to the dark for when you go below deck.

"He said, wearily unsheathing his 16th Century Janissary sword".

# ? Jul 4, 2017 14:32

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

shut up blegum posted:

Druggoon, your story doesn't make sense. Who has their bachelor party and their wedding in the same weekend? Unless you live in the 'Bachelor' movie universe?

I'll take "people who left their hometowns" for 200, Alex. People fly in for weddings so everything gets compressed.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 14:38

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

You may be able to demand a retest if it comes back super hosed up. Just deny everything and say thee's no way it could have come back like that because you were just at a wedding with your kids. Go on a huge cleanse right now and hope they let you piss again. If you come back clean with in a couple days then they may chalk it up to some sort of weird contamination. From my experience, when companies usually do this it's to fire a very select person, but they have to check everyone to make it fair. They may not even give a poo poo about your results.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 14:42

JnnyThndrs: May 29, 2001; HERE ARE THE FUCKING TOWELS

Yeah, I was going to say the same thing; sometimes those screwy out-of-nowhere mass piss tests are just window dressing to easily get rid of a bunch of people the company already wants gone, and if you're on the 'keep list', your results go in the shitter.

The coke thing is bad, though, Adderall probably would have been better in terms of job security.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 16:12

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Solice Kirsk posted:

You may be able to demand a retest if it comes back super hosed up. Just deny everything and say thee's no way it could have come back like that because you were just at a wedding with your kids. Go on a huge cleanse right now and hope they let you piss again. If you come back clean with in a couple days then they may chalk it up to some sort of weird contamination. From my experience, when companies usually do this it's to fire a very select person, but they have to check everyone to make it fair. They may not even give a poo poo about your results.

Demand a retest, get some fake piss overnighted. I know several people in fields that get tested who swear by the stuff.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 16:59

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

lol at being drug tested at work

# ? Jul 4, 2017 17:02

Son of Man: Jan 29, 2003; by Azathoth

Jose posted:

lol at being drug tested at work

haha this but seriously there's a million ways to beat a piss test if you're a drug champ pro. this guy is a scrub tier user. why would you take the test you know you'll fail? just duck out and grab some fake piss, clean piss, doctored piss, secret piss, etc.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 17:28

shut up blegum: Dec 17, 2008; --->Plastic Lawn<---

pissovernight.com

Is probably a real site? Not gonna try it

# ? Jul 4, 2017 17:40

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

KomodoWagon posted:

Pirate eyepatches aren't for missing eyes, you uncultured dickheads. It's so your one eye is accustomed to the dark for when you go below deck.

shut the gently caress up shitstain

# ? Jul 4, 2017 17:44

Pajser: Jan 28, 2006

loquacius posted:

I wouldn't worry, as I understand it nobody else in the whole drat building is paying attention at all

I did the exact opposite of this and, in hindsight, it was the wrong thing to do. Church sermons are always bullshit.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 18:01

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

shut up blegum posted:

Druggoon, your story doesn't make sense. Who has their bachelor party and their wedding in the same weekend? Unless you live in the 'Bachelor' movie universe?

I almost had to do this because my best man lived in Colorado at the time and couldn't afford to buy two plane tickets for two trips

We ended up just having a destination bachelor party in Colorado, cause there's no way I'd have the energy to do both things in one weekend

shut up blegum posted:

pissovernight.com

Is probably a real site? Not gonna try it

My favorite lowkey moment from The Wire is when a character asks a random 60-year-old white lady on the sidewalk "where the pee-pot at" and she immediately points him toward the guy who sells clean piss without a moment's confusion

# ? Jul 4, 2017 18:20

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

loquacius posted:

I almost had to do this because my best man lived in Colorado at the time and couldn't afford to buy two plane tickets for two trips

We ended up just having a destination bachelor party in Colorado, cause there's no way I'd have the energy to do both things in one weekend

My favorite lowkey moment from The Wire is when a character asks a random 60-year-old white lady on the sidewalk "where the pee-pot at" and she immediately points him toward the guy who sells clean piss without a moment's confusion

I missed this moment somehow.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 18:24

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

It's in season 3, when Cutty is being convinced to go do drugs at a house party even though he has a probation drug test the next day

# ? Jul 4, 2017 18:27

Harry Potter on Ice: Nov 4, 2006; IF IM NOT BITCHING ABOUT HOW SHITTY MY LIFE IS, REPORT ME FOR MY ACCOUNT HAS BEEN HIJACKED

loquacius posted:

I almost had to do this because my best man lived in Colorado at the time and couldn't afford to buy two plane tickets for two trips

We ended up just having a destination bachelor party in Colorado, cause there's no way I'd have the energy to do both things in one weekend

My favorite lowkey moment from The Wire is when a character asks a random 60-year-old white lady on the sidewalk "where the pee-pot at" and she immediately points him toward the guy who sells clean piss without a moment's confusion

You mean the scene where they buy the piss from the guy who gets it from the daycare center?

# ? Jul 4, 2017 18:28

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

quote:

So yeah, I do drugs at times. Wife and I enjoy weed every few weekends to chill out, I go a bit harder but I'm safe about it.

Weed takes two weeks to clear out of your system, you would have peed positive before then.

Granted OP said there were no drug tests before, but still why risk your job when there are plenty of drugs that go through your system faster?

# ? Jul 4, 2017 18:37

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Harry Potter on Ice posted:

You mean the scene where they buy the piss from the guy who gets it from the daycare center?

That's the one

# ? Jul 4, 2017 18:39

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

loquacius posted:

It's in season 3, when Cutty is being convinced to go do drugs at a house party even though he has a probation drug test the next day

oh yeah then i remember that scene lmao

# ? Jul 4, 2017 18:40

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# ? May 10, 2024 15:22

Synthwave Crusader: Feb 13, 2011

quote:

First off, gently caress YOU DONALD TRUMP.

I voted for this fucker and he's lied about every single thing I voted him in for. I work at carrier and, go figure, just found out I'm being laid off while the jobs move to mexico. I loving THOUGHT TRUMP STOPPED THIS BUT I GUESS NOT AND IT TURNS OUT loving SEAN SPICER JUST SAID IT DOESN'T MATTER.

my life is over. gently caress you Trump, gently caress you Republicans, you ruined another life.

fuckin lmao

Makin America great again, one layoff at a time.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 19:18

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