Pvt.Scott posted:

Yet I've been willingly celibate for a decade or whatever despite possessing a libido.

Haifisch posted:

I [26M] masturbated at the same time as my best friend [27M] and my SO [23F] of 1.5 years says I cheated.

Just two bros masturbating alongside each other, as bros do.

La Brea Carpet posted:

Does she not want her man to have the strongest, most fully charged crystals?

quote:

I met my husband when we were in college, hit it off, and got married relatively young. We rarely had any problems with each other, and have been relatively supportive. I've had ongoing problems with depression and anxiety for years, a result of having been raised in a toxic environment... We have two children, both under 18 currently. Our family seemed happy for a long time.
At around Valentine's Day, my husband dropped the bomb on me that he was gay, that he was using me as a "glorified beard". He has been cheating on me with another man who was also married to a woman, and they both decided it was time to come out of the closet. At first, I was just...stunned. I wasn't sure what to say.
My husband immediately drafted divorce papers, and wanted me to leave him be. Everything was just happening so fast, I could barely process it. He seemed to change from being my best friend and partner to being...I don't know, a pushy stranger that was trying to "hurry me along". He also left me to tell the kids what was happening because he just couldn't face them. Time passed, and he moved out. The divorce is proceeding smoothly as of now. I've been feeling more depressed than ever, and also angry. My relatives and co-workers (don't have any friends...) basically say I should be proud that he's choosing to now to "be himself". I was accused of being a homophobe even though I've never hated anyone for their sexual orientation. The kids side with their father too, and they even accuse me of being hateful only because he's gay.
I just feel like he wasted my time, that he used me, that he was being a coward for hiding his homosexuality and for also not wanting to confront our kids on the matter. I feel like people keep excusing him, and even say that it was okay that he cheated on me because his boyfriend and he would've been "persecuted" and that I should just be happy for the kids he gave me. But I didn't marry him just to be his beard! I wanted a partner and a confidant! I've lost that, and I feel so alone, and finding it hard to trust anyone. I mean, if the one person I considered my best friend lied to me for years, who the hell can I trust?
Am I crazy for feeling this way? I feel like I might be.
tl;dr: Ex-Husband admitted he was gay and also cheating on me. People say I'm being homophobic for being upset about it, and tell me I need to be supportive. Feel depressed and angry because no one seems to care about my feelings at all.

Pvt.Scott posted:

Yet I've been willingly celibate for a decade or whatever despite possessing a libido.

I think they're all wrong in general. Obviously I'm just too good for garbage cans or whatever.

Anony Mouse posted:

My [39/F] Ex-Husband [38/M] of 18 years has revealed that he is gay and cheating on me... Everyone tells me to just "be happy for him"?

everyone in your life including the kids.

quote:

For the past little while, my wife has become more and more "in my face" where it concerns us spending time together. We've been married for 8 years and while it's been fine for the most part, we've been struggling lately.

Today, I got home after 2 days of being on the ice shooting a series of PSA's and needed to get conditioner from the grocery store.

As it's date night, I told her I wouldn't be long ("I'll be gone 10 minutes tops, honey") as we had a movie queued up that we've been meaning to watch.

What started as a simple conversation about an errand devolved into a 30 minute argument about why having time to myself is important and why. I explained that taking 10 minutes alone to decompress isn't that big of a deal.

She wouldn't relent and insisted that she come along. I switched tactics and said I'd rather be by myself. Nope. She still didn't get it. I finally said "I don't want to go with you."

Again, she offered to go with me and I gave up. At this point, it became apparent to me that she hadn't listened to a thing I said. I walked away (ie, went for a walk on my own) and sat for an hour or two in a park, alone. We didn't have much of a date night, didn't watch the movie we had planned or talk about what we were going to do for our son's birthday. I came home just before 10pm and went to bed without saying much.

Am I being unreasonable here? How do I get her to see that spending too much time together isn't a good thing without coming across as someone who doesn't like being around her?

tl;dr: Needed 10 minutes to get conditioner from grocery store. Fought with wife for 30 minutes about why I wanted to go by myself to run an errand. Date night was ruined.

Edit 1: Some people have assumed that I was gone for two whole days. Not the case. I was gone for 6 hours a day and back in time for dinner both times. As I was shooting a series of hockey-related videos, I wanted to head home, drop my smelly hockey gear off, have dinner with her and then go run the errand in question while my wife cleaned up the dishes (something that we have agreed she'd do while I cleaned up the kitchen).

quote:

[–]fiberpunk [score hidden] 12 hours ago

Sooooo I just took a peek at your post history. Are these dates nights a remnant from when you almost cheated on her with a coworker, and realized you were bored and needed to rekindle the marriage? Because if that's the case, wow dude. Do you really not get why she'd be upset at you for bailing in the middle of a date for something as trivial as conditioner? That she might have seen this as a signal that you're getting bored/complacent again?

[–]real_yarrr_shug [score hidden] 8 hours ago

I feel like this is really important. In the last post he said he felt "neglected" and is now hungry for 10 minutes alone on date night, I'd be extremely confused/suspicious if I were her as well.

quote:

So I got married less than a year ago with intentions of a monogamous relationship (24 F Wife, Me: 22 M), and we'd been together for about 2.5 years. Apparently 3 days after the wedding my wife fell in love with our mutual best friend (29 F) who lives with us. I found out 3 weeks later that they'd been fooling around behind my back. I love both of them as they've been like my family for the last year. They're both in love and my wife is still in love with me who I'm still in love with. The best friend and I are still very much best friends. So now we're in a polyamorous relationship.
I naturally suffer from a lot of anxiety and depression issues and all of this going on the last couple weeks has been a huge strain on both. My wife has been doing her best to keep both of us happy and while I am still mostly happy. I'm still also very conflicted inside. I'm happy my best friend found someone who legitimately loves and cares about them (as they've struggled with love throughout their life). At the same time it's with my wife...who legitimately authentically loves us both very very much. She's also still more fully committed to me in the relationship, but she certainly doesn't want her relationship with the friend to end.
I will also mention that this is technically the second time I've been in a situation like this. When I first started dating my wife it was online. About a month into the relationship I found out she was also still dating someone else who lived relatively nearby. Without my input she realized she didn't really like him like she does me so she broke it off with him. She moved in 5 months later and it'd been monogamous until recently. I always kinda knew that she has a very open heart and that she very well could fall in love with another person. It matches her personality and beliefs.
Things are getting better and easier as we've transitioned our relationship, but I still have hiccups with my emotions. Sometimes I don't know if I'm just trying to shove down my feelings or if I'm legitimately becoming okay with everything (probably a little bit of both). I do continue to communicate with my wife about my feelings, and she's done her best to be supportive.
Any and all comments/advice/opinions are welcomed.
TL;DR: Wife falls in love with best friend. Trying to be supportive because I love both and they both love me (though MY love with friend is not romantic/sexual, like a family type love). Dealing with stress and anxiety of the transition from an intended monogamous to polyamory. Welcome any advice.

Haifisch posted:

I [38M] can't seem to convince wife [40F] I need time to myself


Oops.

Anony Mouse posted:

Me [M 22] Transitioning from a monogamous to polyamory relationship with wife [F 24], need advice

"Poly" relationships living up to their bad reputation dot txt.

blarzgh posted:

That's the problem with all this, "wah wah, we need acceptance!" bullshit that's been coopted by every weirdo with an internet handle. It's all a front for guilting/shaming/strong arming other people into giving you what you want.

If you believe in a lifestyle or a paradigm, you don't need other people's acceptance, you need the loving self confidence not to care whether you have other people's acceptance.

It's way more important to the development of a person to learn not to care what other people think, than it is to learn a mechanism for bullying people into telling you that they support you.

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

"acceptance" for most of the groups demanding it outside of Reddit and Tumblr generally means "stop murdering us or systematically trying to push us out of society altogether, which you are literally doing frequently", hard to self-esteem your way out of that one though lord knows plenty of blowhards have recommended it over the years

quote:

After a few months of throwing around the idea of swinging, my husband (26/m) has rejected it due to not wanting to imagine me (27/f) with another man. I, on the other hand, was/am really excited about the idea of an open marriage for both him and myself. (We've been together 4 years.)

Throughout one of our many talks, I discussed continually having little infatuations and sexual desires toward classmates, friends, and coworkers. I get about 5-8 mini crushes per year, but have never acted on them in any way. I thought this was normal, but my husband said this doesn't happen to him. Each crush experience has come with the overwhelming feelings that my mind is betraying me, followed by bouts of pain and withdrawn behavior.

I don't think counseling would be an affordable option for me right now but I would like to overcome these feelings (and accompanying pain) toward others. I'm looking for books, communities, forums, or anything that might be able to help me cope and move on with my marriage without feeling like I'm missing out on a poly relationship.

tl;dr Married, having feelings for others, want to get over this. Book recommendations?

cumshitter posted:

Looked up the restaurant one on reddit. No more details from the OP (yet) but someone offered a pretty plausible explanation: he's getting paid but either gambling it away or spending it on drugs.

Makes sense since the boss has no problem paying other employees and that the bf does bring home random amounts of cash from time to time.

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

Paraphrased it from an addage I've heard about keeping your man happy/not withholding sex as a weapon lest he become unfaithful: "a well-fed dog won't root through the trash."

Probably not true of dogs but the metaphorical intent is clear.

quote:

The sex was never any good and each time it was over after about 3 minutes. It just got gradually less and less till I said it wasn't worth doing it just so that he could say that he still had a sex life. By that time it was about once it twice a year. That was a few years ago now. I have my own room now many people do, I sleep a lot better since I moved out of the bedroom. He just didn't have a clue about sex I don't think he knew that women were supposed to enjoy sex as well. It was the cause of many arguments but it never made an iota of difference. They just think they're right and there's no compromise. He thinks he deserves to have a beautiful young girl for a girlfriend, I think he sees a teenager when he looks in the mirror. His mother totally spoiled him especially financially she treated him like he was a child. I suppose he is really.

quote:

I'm actually wondering if he has significant issues that I was until now unaware of with understanding his own emotions. Here's an example. One of his talents is that he is a musician. He once had a performance in the evening, and I asked him if he would like for me to attend, as I wanted to support him in "his other world", which was outside of the world we usually interacted in. I asked because I didn't know if he wanted his worlds to "mix": me, who lived in his geeky world, to mix with his music world. He honestly could not answer that. He kept saying over and over: "If you want to see a show, then you should go." This happened twice. The first time, I went. He seemed surprised to see me in the audience when he came out on stage, even though I told him I would come. I don't think he was upset by it, just surprised--probably by the intermixing of worlds thing. The second time I asked him, he had the same response. This time when he said I should go if I wanted to see a show, I told him that I only wanted to go to support him and asked if that is something he would want, but his answer didn't change. This time I didn't know what to do. Honestly, I didn't want to make him feel like I was encroaching on his other world, and I was so afraid it would come off like that. But I wanted to show my support. This time, I actually sat in the parking lot, cried because I didn't know if I should actually go in or not, and ultimately just went home thinking that if I went in, it would just overwhelm him. He doesn't know that. Later I told him I didn't go because I didn't really know if he wanted me there or not, and my only reason to go would have been if he wanted me there. He basically glazed over and didn't really respond.

Pick posted:

Pick posted:

quote:

He's not my boyfriend at this time. We went from a professional relationship to starting to grow a friendship but that's when he started withdrawing at times. I did overwhelm him with sharing my own emotions, both what I feel for him and the hurt I had over the withdrawals. I think he's the most amazing person I've ever met, and my feelings for him are unconditional. I don't think he's ready for a close relationship, especially considering there are some non-Aspie related issues such as age difference and the former professional relationship in which he was my subordinate. Add to that his discomfort with processing all this. I don't know if this withdrawal is forever or just temporary space. If I contact him, I honestly do not know if he'll be like "Oh, hi, I'm so glad to hear from you", or if I won't get a reply at all (and I know what that means). That is the hardest part for me, because I am only seeing the Aspie side of him for the first time since getting closer as friends, even though I knew of his diagnosis from early on and observed it clearly with his interactions with others. That probably sounds weird since we had known each other for two years, but I really interacted with him primarily in our geek world during that time where he "owned that" and was so confident and comfortable. We respect each other. I was actually very surprised to see the shy man who didn't like crowds when I saw him outside of our geek world. I guess I'll find out eventually, but I really only wish I knew where he stands. I know he's uncomfortable, that is clear. But I need to know if he is uncomfortable because he doesn't know how to understand his emotions or how to act in this situation, or if he is uncomfortable because he doesn't want to have anything to do with me (i.e. if my interest in him is an annoyance because he has no interest back). I know he has interest in women, just perhaps not me? Don't know. I want him in my life in whatever capacity he'd have me.

Grem posted:

I'm sure you can relate, Pick.

quote:

I agree entirely. And I usually do not hold back so much like this. Buuuuuut it's not something I really want to discuss with him over email or text. But I don't have a "reason" to casually see him either. (throws hands in air) It's touchy because it's not just about his Asperger's, but it's a lot of other things too, like age and how he was formerly my subordinate. All those things come together to make what I think are walls he's built. I don't know if he feels he "can't" (because it's difficult) or if it's that he "won't" (because no desire) break those walls down. And it's not easy for me either because I feel like our former relative positions might make it seem like I am being inappropriately forward with him if I am too direct. If not for his Asperger's, in this situation I would leave it up to his lead at this point. But knowing how hard it is for him to process these kinds of things, and him saying he was uncomfortable with these types of conversations before, there's part of me that says what I usually rely on to guide me is wrong. I see something extraordinary in him and I know there's a whole world hidden inside that head of his that I'd like to be a part of. I've seen it leak out on specific occasions and I'm drawn to it. He's an amazing human being. This sounds so ridiculous and pathetic when I read it back to myself. Therefore, clearly I'm in love with him. And I don't think he's ready for that, regardless of how he actually feels.

Pick posted:

No it's actually not me, that's what's so crazy about it. You all think the Hugh story is nuts, but what's nuts is it's totally rote and overplayed.

Pick posted:

When in doubt, remember men are scum and care only about sex. You think, "but without me, he'll be eating out of trash cans and pooping in tins". He doesn't care. As long as he can get his wiener in ~special holes~ that is his only metric for quality of life. At some point he'll dump her and the kids and go ruin their lives for someone else whose life he'll ruin. It's the circle of life.

genesplicer posted:

Pretty harsh statement, there. I am utterly devoted to my wife, and have been so for over 30 years. The fact that you might be having problems does not automatically translate to "All men are scum". Maybe picking a better quality of man might help.

Pick posted:

Theodore Roosevelt is dead.

blarzgh posted:

It's way more important to the development of a person to learn not to care what other people think.

Haifisch posted:

My (27F) younger sister (21F) moved into our house and my husband (30M) has become a completely different person.

Barudak posted:

Is there a version of compersion where Im trying to find a joke funny but its not working?

CannonFodder posted:

I've seen that word twice on one page so I looked it up. Thanks Wikipedia! And to think I was planning to not drink myself into a stupor tonight.

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

Frubble?

Liquid Communism posted:

Nah, this poo poo happens all the time in the restaurant business.

Anony Mouse posted:

Me [M 22] Transitioning from a monogamous to polyamory relationship with wife [F 24], need advice

"Poly" relationships living up to their bad reputation dot txt.