Randaconda posted:

sorry, the randaconda don't want none unless you got buns

Rayjenkins posted:

Onions are like dogs.

quote:

So a little background to start off with:
I work for a nonprofit where I'm the supervisor of 10 people that work under me. Last fall a young woman, lets call her Jennifer started to work with us through an outside fellowship. Now she's the kind of person that just commands attention as soon as she walks into the room. She is very pretty but just has one of those personalities that everyone likes you know? I had to train her when she first started but was very surprised by how quickly she picked everything up. We do a lot of legal work and it's not easy for people without previous experience to learn so quickly. So this should give you a good idea of the kind of person she is.
I immediately took a liking to her because of her work but also how easy she was to talk to. During our training, I would say we became pretty close. So much so that I would text her outside of work about non work related stuff. Also she sends me snapchats a lot, random stuff like shows shes watch like friends do. We even go to happy hour alone sometimes and I think I am the closest to her at work. One time she even had lunch with my mom and I when my mom was visiting town.
So she is someone I consider a very good friend and want the best for her.
Now here's the problem. About two months into her working with us, I found out she has a boyfriend. TO CLARIFY I DO NOT HAVE ANY ROMANTIC INTERESTS AND DO NOT CARE THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. I really don't care that she has a boyfriend but felt a little manipulated that she never mentioned him before. I am supervisor, been training her for a few months, we have been talking about a lot of stuff so it just comes off as hiding something. People who work in small offices will know what I'm talking about.
It was a little hard for me to trust her after that but I kept it to myself. She was still a great employee and her having a boyfriend did not change anything because apparently she has been with this guy for 5 years now. He doesn't live in the same city and they barely see each other from what I understand.
So months go by and everything is going really well. So much so that I was even thinking about recommending her for a promotion. We became even closer during this time. About two weeks ago our parent group is hosted a fundraising gala. I asked Jennifer if she wold like to go with me and she said yes. I always have a great time with her so I was really looking forward to it. The night of the gala I called to see when I should pick her up and she said her boyfriend was in town and he would drop her off so she will just meet me there.
This is the first red flag I noticed. Is this guy really that insecure that he can't even let her date take her to this gala? Five years and this insecure? That's a problem. But I just agree and say okay I will meet her there.
I get to the gala and start to mingle. She eventually gets there but I don't approach her. Honestly, still pretty bothered by what happened earlier so I wanted her to come to me and apologize. She came up to me and we talked but she never apologized for what she did but I ignored it. Soon we were talking just like before and honestly really enjoying each other's company.
Here's when I noticed the second red flag. Jennifer and I were talking to another couple when she excused herself because she had to take a call from her boyfriend. I thought it was pretty rude and she has never done something like this before. A little later she comes back and says that her boyfriend is picking her up and she will leave early.
THIRD RED FLAG. She was very much looking forward to this night and suddenly she wants to leave early? You know when you can just tell someone isn't happy in their situation? Yeah I definitely felt it right away.
A little while later he gets there and I poo poo you not, this idiot walked into the gala wearing shorts and a t shirt. I almost wanted to laugh but I didn't want to embarrass him. Jennifer introduces me to him and I make pleasantries but I do make a joke about how must feel a little out of place. He says something like "nah, not really sticking around so not a big deal." Okay? I don't really get what that has to do with anything. My point was that he was at a black tie event dressed like he is going to the gym, I don't care if you're for five minutes or five hours, that's weird. So you can already see he is getting an attitude with me for no reason. I follow up with, "well there are some really important people here" and his response was something like, "I've met senators wearing flip flops, I think I'll be okay."
Holy poo poo, I'm getting angry writing this. But you see what I'm talking about right? He completely rubbed me the wrong way. So anyways, as she is leaving, I tell her to let me know if she gets home okay.
It gets around midnight and she hasn't sent me a single message. So I sent her a text and no reply. I sent her another around 1am saying I am worried and just to let me know if she is okay. No reply. I have a hard time sleeping that night because I am genuinely concerned. It's just the kind of person I am. I need to know my friends are okay or it bothers me.
I wake up the next morning after getting really bad sleep and she still hasn't responded. This makes me upset because I can see she has uploaded pictures on facebook but yet won't respond to my text. The only explanation is that her boyfriend is the reason. She always responds to me and at most a few hours later. So Sunday night I finally send another message really detailing how upset I was with how she was treating me. Also how I think how much control I feel her boyfriend was exerting over her was really making me lose respect for her. I always thought she is this strong independent woman and suddenly this guy is controlling who she can or can't talk to. Of course I get no reply.
Monday, inevitably we see each other at work and she confronts me the first thing in the morning. Before I even get a chance to speak, she says I made her uncomfortable and she wants to just finish her last two months of fellowship without any contact that is not necessary for work.
This was about two weeks ago. I was really upset at first but honestly I've done a lot of reading. When you are in an abusive relationship, you stop seeing the world the way it is and only the way the abuser wants you to see. It makes me really sad that I am losing a good friend because her boyfriend has insecurity issues.
So a few concerns here. She started dating him 5 years ago meaning she was only 19 and therefore this is pretty much the only adult "relationship" she knows. Also the guy is a lobbyist! She wants to work in public service, help immigrants and refugees but yet dates a lobbyist? Does she really not see the contradiction here?
I think over the past five years he has done a good job gaslighting her and it's to the point where it's affecting her relationship with other people and it breaks my heart to see this happen to a good friend.
My question is this: what is the best approach to let her know of these concerns I have? How can you make someone who refuses to see reality to actually see what is happening? I have spoken to my mother and we both agree it would be best that she is also there when I approach Jennifer. However, do you think it should just be me alone or it would be better having a motherly figure also there to talk about something this serious? And if we have this conversation and she still refuses to break up with her abusive boyfriend, what are the final steps that I should take? To be frank, I'm not sure I can remain friends with her if she continues to date him. I'm simply not the kind of person who will stick by someone who is willingly ruining their own life.
I can't stop thinking about this and haven't gotten any work done today. I really look forward to your suggestions and thank you for all your help. For any of you that are currently in an abusive relationship, get out before it's too late.
tl;dr: My pretty good friend is in an abusive relationship but won't notice it. How do I get her to notice for her own good but also the future of our friendship?

Wheat Loaf posted:

I thought they were like ogres.

Ambitious Spider posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/6mwspj/me_32m_with_my_coworkerfriend_24f_of_one_year_how/

Ambitious Spider posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/6mwspj/me_32m_with_my_coworkerfriend_24f_of_one_year_how/

BiggerBoat posted:

Holy poo poo. It's insane how the guy just willingly posted in great detail how HE'S the hosed up person here and soliciting advice on how to be proper White Knight, but when I got to the part about where "I spoke to my Mother and we both agree" it took it to whole other level.

i was gonna ask for more but now I'm gonna work my way through the reddit thread.

Bottom Liner posted:

https://twitter.com/owillis/status/884802751296942080

Ambitious Spider posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/6mwspj/me_32m_with_my_coworkerfriend_24f_of_one_year_how/

Ambitious Spider posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/6mwspj/me_32m_with_my_coworkerfriend_24f_of_one_year_how/

Ambitious Spider posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/6mwspj/me_32m_with_my_coworkerfriend_24f_of_one_year_how/

Randaconda posted:

treiz01 posted:

Yeah, I'm sure that she had to leave because her boyfriend was coming to get her and not because this guy is a huge loving creep...

THIRD RED FLAG lol

quote:

Imagine if “Jennifer” wrote this:
A little background. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years, though it's currently long distance.

Last fall I started working at a nonprofit through a fellowship. I normally get along well with everyone, and really enjoyed the office. I got trained by my boss, a manager there who has seemed very friendly since I started, perhaps too friendly. He started texting me outside of work early on, but it was always nice and nonthreatening, mostly about tv. We would sometimes go to happy hour together and he even invited me to lunch with his mom when she was visiting. It was a little weird, but I want to make a good impression, and I get the feeling like he doesn’t really have any friends at work. It must be hard for a manager, and maybe it’s easier to talk to me because I’m here through a fellowship? I know, slightly naďve, but I had high hopes for this and I tried very hard to never talk about my personal life.
A few months after I started working here I was concerned that my boss might be developing a bit of a crush, so I let it drop that I was in a long-term relationship. He didn’t seem phased so I figured it was all in my head. Well, two weeks ago our parent group was hosting a fundraising gala. My boss asked if I would like to go, and I said yes because I assumed it was a professional event. My boyfriend was visiting that weekend but he understands that work events are important, this fellowship is only for a year after all. Well then I get a call from my boss asking when he should pick me up? I was pretty shocked, this is a work event, not a date. I honestly thought about cancelling, but my boyfriend said it was probably just miscommunication and I should go. He agreed to drive me and drop me off, and to stay in the general area in case things got weird and I had to call him.

Things got weird. When I got there my boss was pretty standoffish and acting like he expected an apology. He definitely thought this was a date. We were talking to a couple and he was acting like we were all on a group date, so I excused myself to call my boyfriend to pick me up. I waited in the bathroom for another five minutes to minimize the time I had to spend with him. My boyfriend was so worried he came into the gala with shorts on, and was immediately insulted by my boss. I just wanted to get out of there. My boss even asked me to text him when I got home safe. Safe from what? I was with my boyfriend.

Holy poo poo, I’m getting angry writing this. But you see what I’m talking about right? He completely rubbed me the wrong way. Anyway, he kept sending me text messages saying he was worried, but I ignored them because he was creeping me out. Then he send this insane message detailing how upset he was with how I was treating him and how I thought my boyfriend was exerting too much control over me. Of course I didn’t reply. On Monday I confronted him first thing in the morning. Before he had a chance to say anything, I told him he made me uncomfortable and I just want to finish my last two months of fellowship without any contact that is not necessary for work.

This was about two weeks ago. I was really scared at first, but then thought things had died down. Well today I found out he posted an insane screed on reddit about how my boyfriend was abusive! TL/DR: My boss is sexually harassing me and accusing my boyfriend of abuse. Do I need a lawyer? How do I file a complaint?

Somfin posted:

Now, to be fair, I have been that lovely of a human at a few points in my life. I have misread situations that badly and assumed the worst while being completely oblivious to the other person's feelings. I have been that deeply in denial about the nature of my desired relationship with another person. I have seen an entire friendship go up in smoke in a single night because I was too pushy.

In my defence, I was less than half this person's age at the time, had zero authority, and didn't post about it online as if I was in the right.

Ambitious Spider posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/6mwspj/me_32m_with_my_coworkerfriend_24f_of_one_year_how/

BiggerBoat posted:

EDIT:


Go on.

om nom nom posted:

Step three, with bitch drop the "t"
'Cause bich is Latin for generosity

BiggerBoat posted:

THIRD RED FLAG. She might have been loving her boyfriend who she hasn't seen a while instead of responding my to my creepy text messages.

Somfin posted:

I was 15, I've been borderline for autism (found this one out recently, I was tested as a kid and the doc made a judgment call that I was close) my entire life, and I was part of the nerd clique at an all-boys school. I was not well socialised as a kid and didn't really understand people. Terrible theory of mind. Turns out if you combine that with too much lovely media consumption you end up with a really warped view of how relationships are meant to work.

I'm better now, I hope, but back then, I wouldn't have wanted to know me.

rumble in the bunghole posted:

DicktheCat posted:

Please someone explain this madness.

DicktheCat posted:

Please someone explain this madness.

New Wave Jose posted:

Madness?? THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!

Ziv Zulander posted:

Am I missing a meta-joke here or did you seriously just reference 300?

text me a vag pic posted:

Jerry Cotton posted:

What

Knee posted:

I know it doesn't actually belong in this thread, not being AUG and all, but considering the amount of "what I'm doing/what I'm good at" types of profile screen caps posted I thought I'd post my favorite.

Leavemywife posted:

My randaconda don't
My randaconda don't
My randaconda don't want none
Unless you're all AUG hon

Ambitious Spider posted:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/6mwspj/me_32m_with_my_coworkerfriend_24f_of_one_year_how/

PCOS Bill posted:

Well there's at least one positive in that photo.

MrCussMustard posted:

How about some Poe's law to start your day?

I tried to find a clip of Xander Crews marvelling at how realistic that Xticle looked under his helmet, but apparently that doesn't exist?. It would have been perfect for this.

PCOS Bill posted:

Well there's at least one positive in that photo.