FARTHOUSE 5: - sounds funny but ultimately you just shit your pants

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > FARTHOUSE 5: - sounds funny but ultimately you just shit your pants

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FUCKFACE MORON: Apr 23, 2010; by sebmojo

Jesus this thread is almost two years old

# ? Aug 11, 2017 20:51

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# ? May 2, 2024 06:56

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

Re-make any thread old enough to witness a Patriots Super Bowl win.

# ? Aug 12, 2017 00:30

sean10mm: Jun 29, 2005; It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, MAD-2R World

Liked the Wilfork send-off, but nothing can equal this:

http://www.thedrawplay.com/comic/belichicks-grand-plan/

It also has your best Belichick caricature.

WHY BILLY WHY

:smug:

# ? Aug 17, 2017 18:28

Pancakes by Mail: Oct 21, 2010; Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Goaltender Carey Price was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

Have a weird request for anyone with archives, I posted a Prufrock re-write called "The Love Song of T. Edward Brady" years ago but I can't find it with any amount of tricky Googling. If someone could find it just so I could save the text (the hard drive I had it on is long gone), I'd appreciate it, if not no worries. Cheers guys.

# ? Aug 18, 2017 18:39

Chilichimp: Oct 24, 2006; TIE Adv xWampa

It wamp, and it stomp; Grimey Drawer

Pancakes by Mail posted:

Have a weird request for anyone with archives, I posted a Prufrock re-write called "The Love Song of T. Edward Brady" years ago but I can't find it with any amount of tricky Googling. If someone could find it just so I could save the text (the hard drive I had it on is long gone), I'd appreciate it, if not no worries. Cheers guys.

that's odd... I could have sworn I had archives...

# ? Aug 18, 2017 19:32

Grittybeard: Mar 29, 2010; Bad, very bad!

Pancakes by Mail posted:

Have a weird request for anyone with archives, I posted a Prufrock re-write called "The Love Song of T. Edward Brady" years ago but I can't find it with any amount of tricky Googling. If someone could find it just so I could save the text (the hard drive I had it on is long gone), I'd appreciate it, if not no worries. Cheers guys.

Did this happen when we had that one Farthouse thread start off with a bunch of us doing poetry re-writes? I have archives but I'm not good at searching them so if it's that thread it might make it easier to get to.

# ? Aug 18, 2017 20:16

Pancakes by Mail: Oct 21, 2010; Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Goaltender Carey Price was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

Chilichimp posted:

that's odd... I could have sworn I had archives...

No sweat man, I really appreciate that you looked!

Grittybeard posted:

Did this happen when we had that one Farthouse thread start off with a bunch of us doing poetry re-writes? I have archives but I'm not good at searching them so if it's that thread it might make it easier to get to.

Yeah that's the one! Impressive recall.

# ? Aug 19, 2017 00:10

Grittybeard: Mar 29, 2010; Bad, very bad!

Pancakes by Mail posted:

No sweat man, I really appreciate that you looked!

Yeah that's the one! Impressive recall.

Found it. Goddamn you really went all out. Here's a link to the post and thread if anyone with archives wants to relive all of our poetry stuff.

quote:

The Love Song of T. Edward Brady

LET us go then, start this drive,
once the play clock stops and the ball is live
Like a chicken in a Chinatown store window;
Let us go, through certain half-remembered plays,
The calling back of days
And restless nights spent watching tape
For hours until ideas take shape:
Plays that follow like a clever audible
Designs most laudable
That lead you to an overwhelming question�.
Oh, do not ask, �Will it be first ballot?�
The question sours on my palate.

On the bench the wideouts come and go
Laughing about Drew Bledsoe.

The half-a-pass that slipped upon my freezing palm,
The half-a-pass that Oakland grappled from my freezing palm,
Pulled the Tuck out from the corners of the rulebook,
Laid low the refs like some great pigskin bomb,
Let fall upon its back the man who felled its master,
Slipped from my fingers, treacherous sleet,
But seeing that it was a January game,
Curled once around the rules and was called incomplete.

And indeed there will be time
For that half-a-pass upon my hand to shake,
Rolling its laces upon my freezing palm;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare your hands to meet the snap that you will take;
There will be time to scramble and pump fake,
And time for all the backs and big tight ends
To score and spike the passes that you make;
Time for yardage yet unseized,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before Bill Belichick is appeased.

On the bench the wideouts come and go
Laughing about Drew Bledsoe.

And indeed there will be time
To hear, �He wears UGGs!� and, �He wears UGGs!�
Time to fumble to Terrell Suggs
While cretins stare at Gisele's jugs �
(They will say: �How he must feel such chagrin!�)
My warmup gear, my helmet strapping firmly to the chin,
My passing swift and perfect, but asserted by a simple spin�
(They will say: �But how their WR depth is thin!�)
Do I dare
Control the division?
In a season there is time
For the Jets and their head coach to render moot my decision.

For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the teammates, rivals and their goals,
I have measured out my life in Super Bowls;
I know the cameras swarming with a hissing call
Beneath the floodlights from a distant dome.
So how can I go back?

And I have known the fans already, known them all�
The fans that hold you in adulatory light,
And when I am adulated, squinting for the glare,
When I am smiling in a glossy framed upon the wall,
Then how am I to dare
To retreat into dimness? It would not be right
And how could I go back?

And I have known the jeers already, known them all�
Jeers that are nought but voices in the crowd
(But in some stadiums, booming loud!)
Is it that man's boozy scream
That makes me lead the team?
Jeers that lie about my mother, in some foolish drawl.
And should I then go back?
And how should I begin?
. . . . . . . .
Shall I say, I have thrown the ball through narrow gaps
In coverage draped on like a cloak
And surely hit my target, leaning at the sideline?�

I should have been a wind-sleeked motorboat
Coursing along on San Mateo seas.
. . . . . . . .
And the second string, the rookie, slept so peacefully!
Hidden on the depth chart,
Shielded �guarded � knowing at heart
How slim the chances were that he would play.
Should I, after training camp and cuts,
Have the skill to make the starter look a klutz?
But though I have leapt the roster, made the grade,
Though I have made �Go Pats� (that simple quip) an oft-repeated message,
I am no backup � but here's no great presage ;
I have seen the waning of my career someday,
And I have heard the team Physician say, �There's a chance you miss Sunday,�
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the records and ring number three,
Beside the trophy case, among some talk of MVP,
Would it have been worth while,
To have shrugged off the narrative with a smile,
To drive to drink the Boston Globe's press corps ,
To say I will no more be the man they thought,
To say: �I am Ryan Leaf, my work ethic dead!
And now to to play no more, I shall play no more��
If one, hearing the radio while in bed,
Should hear: �His character really was poor;
I always said, quite poor.�

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the first downs and the clutch drives and the playoff hopes,
After the bad snaps, after the long bombs, after the games that trail into the night �
And this, and so much more?�
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a film projector threw my fears in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, shivering in a clinic or waiting for a call,
And listening for the doctor, should hear:
�The problem isn't small,
Concussions are serious, after all.�
. . . . . . . .

O! I may be Prince Hamlet, and was meant to be;
A splendid young royal on his behalf
Shall walk red carpet, sign some autographs,
Attend charity balls and feel a fool,
The toast of the table, I have my place,
Bright and incandescent as phosphorous;
A draw for the cameras, a handsome face;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous�
Almost, at times, a Tool.

I grow old � I grow old �
I shall buy a fleet of sports cars made of gold.

Shall I put my fame behind? Do I dare to suburbs stray?
I shall wear some shabby outfit, and walk along the bay.
I have heard the dockmen calling, they to they.

I do not think that they will call to me.

I have seen them working seaside on the boats
Grasping the thick layers of their grey coats
When the wind sprays water upon their throats.

We have lingered in the chambers of the Hall
By statues and their legends in a heap
Till our retirement takes us, and we sleep.

Grittybeard fucked around with this message at 00:28 on Aug 19, 2017

# ? Aug 19, 2017 00:24

Grittybeard: Mar 29, 2010; Bad, very bad!

I'd forgotten how good that is, I'm glad I could help you save it.

# ? Aug 19, 2017 00:30

Silly Burrito: Nov 27, 2007; SET A COURSE FOR
THE FLAVOR QUADRANT

I really need to come up with a fart. It's been too long.

# ? Aug 19, 2017 00:43

Pancakes by Mail: Oct 21, 2010; Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Goaltender Carey Price was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

Grittybeard posted:

Found it. Goddamn you really went all out. Here's a link to the post and thread if anyone with archives wants to relive all of our poetry stuff.

Ahhh thank you so much man! I'd pretty much given up hope getting it back, I can't tell you how much it means to me. Appreciate the kind words, too, of all the dumb poetry rewrites I've done I think it's still my favorite. Thanks again.

# ? Aug 19, 2017 00:44

Randaconda: Jul 3, 2014; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Doctor Syrup posted:

This inspired me to do a different song.

Butt Oddity

Jets OC to Jets QB
Jets OC to Jets QB
Drink your gatorade, get ready for the D.
(Green) Jets OC (18) to Jets QB (Green)
(18) Commencing playcall (Down) count is three (Set)
(Hut) Check your reads (Hut) and may Namath (Hut) be with thee.

This is Jets OC to Jets QB, the play is breaking down
And the coaches want to know how you fare
And it's time to leave the pocket if you dare

This is Jets QB to Jets OC, I'm stepping through the hole
And I'm running in a most peculiar way
And the field looks very different today
For here am I running into buttocks, fumbling the ball
Lineman's butt was green, there was no way I could see

Though my body hasn't touched the ground, I've let go of the ball
And I think the Patriots know which way to go
Tell the backup to start warming up, Tebow
Jets OC to Jets QB your helmet's dead, can you hear me?

Can you hear me, Jets QB?
Can you hear me, Jets QB?
Can you hear me, Jets QB?
Can you...
Here am I running with the football, right into a moon
Lineman's butt was green, there was no way I could see

# ? Aug 19, 2017 00:51

Randaconda: Jul 3, 2014; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

buttfumble is still funny

# ? Aug 19, 2017 01:05

Grittybeard: Mar 29, 2010; Bad, very bad!

While I'm messing around with this for convenience's sake, links to all the old Farthouse threads.

The humble beginnings
The Farthouse 2.0: Avatars, Comics, & Fanart Oh My
The Farthouse 3.0: It has always farted since the forums started
The Farthouse: Hush Little Browns fan (4)

I was wondering if it was as simple as looking in those threads in case there were missing Toaster Beef things still there but it looks like he started linking to the Too Much Mustard site at some point, so the ones Febreeze and TB have managed to save are probably all we have left (although there are a still a ton of those! I'm not complaining).

# ? Aug 19, 2017 01:17

Kalli: Jun 2, 2001; Can't post for 3 hours!

I love meth mallet so much

# ? Aug 19, 2017 01:22

Dexo: Aug 15, 2009; A city that was to live by night after the wilderness had passed. A city that was to forge out of steel and blood-red neon its own peculiar wilderness.

Marty Bennett political cartoon

# ? Aug 19, 2017 01:25

swickles: Aug 21, 2006; I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just some QB that I used to know

We need to start a campaign to make Febreeze the official illustrator of NFL player created political cartoons. Also, can someone post the carton of eggs?

# ? Aug 19, 2017 02:39

Pancakes by Mail: Oct 21, 2010; Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Goaltender Carey Price was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

Randaconda posted:

Butt Oddity

I can't believe I missed this the first time around, I can't stop re-reading it

# ? Aug 19, 2017 03:40

Silly Burrito: Nov 27, 2007; SET A COURSE FOR
THE FLAVOR QUADRANT

swickles posted:

We need to start a campaign to make Febreeze the official illustrator of NFL player created political cartoons. Also, can someone post the carton of eggs?

"We will stand and behave for our man Dave"

# ? Aug 19, 2017 05:13

Pops Mgee: Aug 20, 2009; People all over the world,
Join Hands,
Start the Love Train!

Dexo posted:

Marty Bennett political cartoon

Marty B is cool and good and I'm glad he's a Packer now. Even ignoring the fact that he will be a monster on the field.

# ? Aug 19, 2017 06:08

Nit Wit Dog Shit: Sep 28, 2000; Toilet Rascal

Type something, gently caress!

Only registered members can see post attachments!

# ? Aug 19, 2017 07:34

Febreeze: Oct 24, 2011; I want to care, butt I dont

Dr Swickles, my most subtle returning character

http://www.thedrawplay.com/comic/jordan-matthews-gets-traded/

# ? Aug 19, 2017 18:08

Chilichimp: Oct 24, 2006; TIE Adv xWampa

It wamp, and it stomp; Grimey Drawer

Febreeze posted:

Dr Swickles, my most subtle returning character

http://www.thedrawplay.com/comic/jordan-matthews-gets-traded/

Nice, "You won't feel better"

# ? Aug 19, 2017 21:32

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Matthews' hair instantly graying is a great detail

# ? Aug 19, 2017 21:44

Volkerball: Oct 15, 2009; by FactsAreUseless

Grittybeard posted:

While I'm messing around with this for convenience's sake, links to all the old Farthouse threads.

The humble beginnings
The Farthouse 2.0: Avatars, Comics, & Fanart Oh My
The Farthouse 3.0: It has always farted since the forums started
The Farthouse: Hush Little Browns fan (4)

I was wondering if it was as simple as looking in those threads in case there were missing Toaster Beef things still there but it looks like he started linking to the Too Much Mustard site at some point, so the ones Febreeze and TB have managed to save are probably all we have left (although there are a still a ton of those! I'm not complaining).

Can you put these in the OP, febreeze

# ? Aug 20, 2017 12:41

IcePhoenix: Sep 18, 2005; Take me to your Shida

Silly Burrito posted:

I really need to come up with a fart. It's been too long.

# ? Aug 21, 2017 17:46

Febreeze: Oct 24, 2011; I want to care, butt I dont

Comic 700!

http://www.thedrawplay.com/comic/bortles-faces-the-hard-truth/

Ill start a new thread sometime this week, we should brainstorm an idea to kick it off, like the poetry one. Maybe mspaints?

# ? Aug 22, 2017 17:19

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

That paragraph on Blake's future is awfully close to matt_ryan_fanfiction.txt

# ? Aug 22, 2017 17:24

GonadTheBallbarian: Jul 23, 2007

I like the MSPAINT idea, just to be a dick I might do some more animations though

# ? Aug 22, 2017 17:52

swickles: Aug 21, 2006; I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just some QB that I used to know

Did anyone ever compile all the Manning forehead images into one?

# ? Aug 22, 2017 19:58

Impossibly Perfect Sphere: Nov 6, 2002; They wasted Luanne on Lucky!

She could of have been so much more but the writers just didn't care!

Imagine Manning's head on Glennon's neck.

# ? Aug 22, 2017 20:23

iospace: Jan 19, 2038

Jiminy Christmas! Shoes! posted:

Imagine Manning's head on Glennon's neck.

This needs to happen now

# ? Aug 22, 2017 20:32

Flikken: Oct 23, 2009; 10,363 snaps and not a playoff win to show for it

It already happened, manning bumped a satellite in low earth orbit with his head.

# ? Aug 22, 2017 20:34

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

swickles posted:

Did anyone ever compile all the Manning forehead images into one?

No, and I'm still mad about it because mine was awesome :colbert:

# ? Aug 22, 2017 20:50

Chilichimp: Oct 24, 2006; TIE Adv xWampa

It wamp, and it stomp; Grimey Drawer

Jiminy Christmas! Shoes! posted:

Imagine Manning's head on Glennon's neck.

The Manning Ouroboros: a circle where Peyton's forehead bends around until it becomes his neck.

# ? Aug 22, 2017 20:56

Thaddius the Large: Jul 5, 2006; It's in the five-hole!

The Human Manningpede, one forehead stitched onto another

# ? Aug 22, 2017 23:20

iospace: Jan 19, 2038

Flikken posted:

It already happened, manning bumped a satellite in low earth orbit with his head.

You sure it was LEO?

# ? Aug 22, 2017 23:33

Silly Burrito: Nov 27, 2007; SET A COURSE FOR
THE FLAVOR QUADRANT

swickles posted:

Did anyone ever compile all the Manning forehead images into one?

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3627852&pagenumber=254&perpage=40#post448253613

Still worth doing. Hell, I'm sure we could update a couple of the forehead pieces with new stuff.

Gonad, you said you had the top and bottom images and sent them to Ehud. Do you still have those? Can you post them in here?

# ? Aug 23, 2017 01:45

GonadTheBallbarian: Jul 23, 2007

No, but I can't imagine it'd take me more than a few minutes to recreate.

Btw don't buy Lenovo Ultrabooks, they don't manage their heat, leading to their early demise.

e.

top:

Bottom:

single:

double:

quad:

stitching is gonna require some clone stamping at the edges because of his freaky fuckin' head, but there ya go

make it interesting and use the white space too, k?

GonadTheBallbarian fucked around with this message at 03:23 on Aug 23, 2017

# ? Aug 23, 2017 02:53

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# ? May 2, 2024 06:56

Darth Brooks: Jan 15, 2005; I do not wear this mask to protect me. I wear it to protect you from me.

There's been a rumor that the Browns wanted to go to a white uniform and helmet (they had a white helmet way back in the day) I did a concept with one of the team logos that have come and gone and it got mixed with a uniform design by a guy named Brandon Moore. Just wanted to show you guys.

# ? Aug 28, 2017 22:07

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > FARTHOUSE 5: - sounds funny but ultimately you just shit your pants

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