Taiwan Number 1

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Taiwan Number 1

bring back old gbs: Feb 28, 2007; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

im permabanned poster haierstomper58. i first started reading about martial arts when i was about 19. by 21 i got really obsessed with the concept of "qi" and tried to channel it constantly, until my thought process got really bizarre and i would repeat things like "taiji" and "i should breath into my stomach" in my head for hours, and my stomach would get really round, start getting really bad bloating etc, basically hiatal hernia. im now on proton pump inhibitors. i always wondered what the kind of "Chinese" style of breathing was all about; i think it's the esophagus leaking in to the stomach, what TCM theory considered to be the cause of diabetes and hypertension. i would advise all people who "get" qi to be careful because that likely means you have a predisposition to acid reflux. HALLOU.

yo these things are rarely that funny but u did real good on this one my man

# ? Sep 1, 2017 03:12

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 4, 2024 13:09

whip: Apr 9, 2007; by Lowtax

peanut posted:

oppa

If you ride motorcycle it keeps your hair from blowing all over the place

# ? Sep 1, 2017 03:37

JewKiller 3000: Nov 28, 2006; by Lowtax

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

im permabanned poster haierstomper58. i first started reading about martial arts when i was about 19. by 21 i got really obsessed with the concept of "qi" and tried to channel it constantly, until my thought process got really bizarre and i would repeat things like "taiji" and "i should breath into my stomach" in my head for hours, and my stomach would get really round, start getting really bad bloating etc, basically hiatal hernia. im now on proton pump inhibitors. i always wondered what the kind of "Chinese" style of breathing was all about; i think it's the esophagus leaking in to the stomach, what TCM theory considered to be the cause of diabetes and hypertension. i would advise all people who "get" qi to be careful because that likely means you have a predisposition to acid reflux. HALLOU.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 03:48

TTerrible: Jul 15, 2005

It's really good but the HALLOU seals it. Haeir come back. Show us your suit.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 03:55

prisoner of waffles: May 8, 2007; Ah! well a-day! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of the cross, the fishmech
About my neck was hung.

I don't want haier to feel like the only weirdo, so here's my story: I inadvertently trained myself to belch very loudly by swallowing lots of air when I was a kid.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:03

Haier: Aug 10, 2007; by Lowtax

LOL, you guys are silly. "Hurr, Haier thinks he can breath without using his lungs. Racist!" It's just means the way we breath and what expands the most when breathing. Chest, shoulders, ribs, stomach.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diaphragmatic_breathing

quote:

Diaphragmatic breathing, or deep breathing is breathing that is done by contracting the diaphragm, a muscle located horizontally between the thoracic cavity and abdominal cavity. Air enters the lungs and the chest rises and the belly expands during this type of breathing. Diaphragmatic breathing is also known scientifically as eupnea, which is a natural and relaxed form of breathing in all mammals. Eupnea occurs in mammals whenever they are in a state of relaxation, i.e. when there is no clear and present danger in their environment.
...
Hatha Yoga, tai chi and meditation traditions draw a clear distinction between diaphragmatic breathing and abdominal breathing or belly breathing.[7] The more specific technique of diaphragmatic breathing is said to be more beneficial.

But then when you're always doing it deeply, especially while eating, it tends to not be a good thing.

Even this wikihow page is saying you have practice at it daily.
http://www.wikihow.com/Do-Abdominal-Breathing

Google "abdominal vs diaphragmatic breathing." All of the deep "stomach" breathing pages are yoga, Buddhist, and alternative medicine pages. Practicing the deep "stomach" breathing at all times leads to taking in bits of air into the actual stomach and then getting bloated.

Even the taiji man's example of "babys breath into their stomach, so happy" shows up as one of the Google search options.
http://www.simple-remedies.com/childrens-health/abdominal-breathing-in-infants.html

quote:

Abdominal breathing is the right type of breathing for infants and children. In adults, diaphragmatic or abdominal breathing is still retained but chest breathing will become the involuntary norm.

Abdominal breathing in children and in infants is normal. In fact, it is the natural instinct of infants and babies to do diaphragmatic breathing.
As kids grow up, however, they will learn to chest breathe more and forget about diaphragmatic breathing unless voluntary willed to do so.
Abdominal breathing is beneficial for babies and kids as it gives them a lot more oxygen intake than chest breathing.

But it doesn't include that part where they need to be burped due to all the extra air they hold onto.

And here's a presentation by a mysterious Chinese doctor with dried semen on his shirt talking about toxins:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg9XYicHqKo

Here's a physical therapist talking about it.
http://www.coreexercisesolutions.com/belly-breathing/

quote:

Sure, that�s a better start than breathing into your shoulders, but too much belly movement is a bad thing and can prevent your abdominal separation from healing, cause back pain, hip pain and core instability.
When you take in a breath of air, you should see your chest expand (that is where your lungs are located, after all). If your chest is tight, it makes this expansion difficult. That�s how you end up with too much belly, the pressure is either forced up or down since it can�t go out. Our body naturally follows the path of least resistance. If your chest is tight and doesn�t expand and your abs are weak, then your belly says, �I can easily expand without any effort. Who needs core control, anyhow?�
...
Tight Pecs? Scapula winging a bit? Tight low back? Head not staying in line with your body during exercises? You should look at your breathing pattern first and see how your breathing could be affecting your core control and making other muscles pick up the slack. Back body expansion is extremely important for this!
Correct breathing is not belly breathing. It�s a 360 expansion of not just your ribcage but your torso as well. So, ditch the 100% belly breathing and watch your core muscles find a new level of strength and your body a new level of stress relief!

It was 14 years ago and I got into the habit of deep breathing with stomach expansion all the time.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:13

Darkest Auer: Dec 30, 2006; They're silly; Ramrod XTreme

Turn left Haier, turn left!!!

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:16

bug chaser chaser: Dec 11, 2006

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:19

JewKiller 3000: Nov 28, 2006; by Lowtax

personally i breathe directly into my ballsack. the lungs aren't even involved, it's just air -> mouth -> nuts

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:24

BONGHITZ: Jan 1, 1970

TTerrible posted:

You don't understand, westerners are different.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:28

Haier: Aug 10, 2007; by Lowtax

JewKiller 3000 posted:

personally i breathe directly into my ballsack. the lungs aren't even involved, it's just air -> mouth -> nuts

*Searching for that TCM page where it talks about shooting cold air out of the penis after ejaculating too much*

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:28

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

The Method of Anal Breathing

The Method of Anal Breathing is a beginner�s version of Tao�s Harmonic Qi Gong, which focuses mostly on the lower part of the body. The Method Of Anal Breathing helps young men suffering from weak erection and youth impotence problems. Passed down from the Tao masters in China, the technique enhances the bioenergy flow from two major channels in the body�the Governor Vessel and Conception Vessel. Dr. NK Lin, a prominent �sexpert� has advocated the benefits of this technique for years.

How It's Done

Start with a simple "butt exercise". While you expel urine, apply light pressure to the bladder by pushing your heels and ankles upward to squeeze your buttocks against your tailbone and anus. The procedure will stop the flow of urine without contracting your prostate and P.C. muscles. The muscles in your buttock will trigger the tailbone's S2-S4 region to close the bladder-prostate outlet.
Ensure your legs remain at the same width as your shoulders. Apply light pressure against your bladder, and contract your buttocks against your tailbone until your tailbone is warm.
Synchronize your butt contraction with each inhalation. When you inhale, contract your anus-tailbone muscle toward your spine (not toward your perineum or prostate); you should feel air being sucking into your anus, tailbone, and spine. The sensation of air being sucked into your anus is the Anal Breathing technique.

Muscle Contracting Tips
Beginners tend to contract the anal muscles too hard. Hard contractions will affect the prostate and P.C. muscles. As you gain more experience, you will better control the P.C. and anus-tailbone muscles voluntarily, improving erection quality.

Apply light pressure to your bladder. The pressure will help expand and relax the P.C. and prostate muscles. The Anal Breathing technique will also help relax prostate tension, allowing for prolonged sex.

If you have a weak P.C. or prostate muscle, take nourishing herbs from Exhaustion Recovery For Your Prostate. Herbs in the formula such as: Dianthus, Ophiopogen, Patrinia, Pyrrosia and Imperata help rejuvenate fatigued P.C. and prostate muscles.

Fill Up Your Reservoir
If you no longer experience morning erections or feel fatigued, your testosterone reserve may be low or empty. Testosterone boosts the production of nitric oxide that empowers an erection and expands the penile tissues. Take Deer Antler Testosterone Formula or Herbs For Male Low Sex Drive to boost your testosterone reservoir and give your loved one a helluva joy ride!

For Advanced Practitioners:
Once your anal-tailbone muscles start to respond automatically, the muscles will contract during each inhalation. You will no longer need to squeeze your buttocks. You can stand up, lie on your back, or sit down to circulate the sexual energy with each inhalation.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:32

Grand Fromage: Jan 30, 2006; L-l-look at you bar-bartender, a-a pa-pathetic creature of meat and bone, un-underestimating my l-l-liver's ability to metab-meTABolize t-toxins. How can you p-poison a perfect, immortal alcohOLIC?

I was going to make an rear end breathing joke but(t), welp.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:41

putrid aidsman: Apr 13, 2017; by Lowtax

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:44

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

In case someone needs a new av:

For a title I suggest: Start with a simple "butt exercise".

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:45

Haier: Aug 10, 2007; by Lowtax

McGavin posted:

The Method of Anal Breathing

The Method of Anal Breathing is a beginner�s version of Tao�s Harmonic Qi Gong, which focuses mostly on the lower part of the body. The Method Of Anal Breathing helps young men suffering from weak erection and youth impotence problems. Passed down from the Tao masters in China, the technique enhances the bioenergy flow from two major channels in the body�the Governor Vessel and Conception Vessel. Dr. NK Lin, a prominent �sexpert� has advocated the benefits of this technique for years.

How It's Done

Start with a simple "butt exercise". While you expel urine, apply light pressure to the bladder by pushing your heels and ankles upward to squeeze your buttocks against your tailbone and anus. The procedure will stop the flow of urine without contracting your prostate and P.C. muscles. The muscles in your buttock will trigger the tailbone's S2-S4 region to close the bladder-prostate outlet.

Ensure your legs remain at the same width as your shoulders. Apply light pressure against your bladder, and contract your buttocks against your tailbone until your tailbone is warm.

Synchronize your butt contraction with each inhalation. When you inhale, contract your anus-tailbone muscle toward your spine (not toward your perineum or prostate); you should feel air being sucking into your anus, tailbone, and spine. The sensation of air being sucked into your anus is the Anal Breathing technique.

Muscle Contracting Tips
Beginners tend to contract the anal muscles too hard. Hard contractions will affect the prostate and P.C. muscles. As you gain more experience, you will better control the P.C. and anus-tailbone muscles voluntarily, improving erection quality.

Apply light pressure to your bladder. The pressure will help expand and relax the P.C. and prostate muscles. The Anal Breathing technique will also help relax prostate tension, allowing for prolonged sex.

If you have a weak P.C. or prostate muscle, take nourishing herbs from Exhaustion Recovery For Your Prostate. Herbs in the formula such as: Dianthus, Ophiopogen, Patrinia, Pyrrosia and Imperata help rejuvenate fatigued P.C. and prostate muscles.

Fill Up Your Reservoir
If you no longer experience morning erections or feel fatigued, your testosterone reserve may be low or empty. Testosterone boosts the production of nitric oxide that empowers an erection and expands the penile tissues. Take Deer Antler Testosterone Formula or Herbs For Male Low Sex Drive to boost your testosterone reservoir and give your loved one a helluva joy ride!

For Advanced Practitioners:
Once your anal-tailbone muscles start to respond automatically, the muscles will contract during each inhalation. You will no longer need to squeeze your buttocks. You can stand up, lie on your back, or sit down to circulate the sexual energy with each inhalation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRiChK0Q_FI

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:47

Haier: Aug 10, 2007; by Lowtax

Sorry, I think I was just having a bad day. When you say push it out do you mean back? Or do you mean push out like pushing out gas? And are you talking about the anal sphinkter muscle? Where gas comes out.

I still do not understand anal breathing. Can someone please explain to me more. Thanks. It is still difficult to understand. When you say push the anus out do you mean back and when you say up do you mean contract?

Ok, I dont know how to pull my anus back and up. I dont know what the feeling of air in my anus and tailbone and spine is. I dont think so. I dont know, I think I had it wrong.

I am worried I will never learn how to do anal breathing. Can someone teach me how to do anal breathing so I do not worry anymore?

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:51

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

Haier posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRiChK0Q_FI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D0PLggo494

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:52

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

Oh God I'm literally dying laughing RN. :nws:

# ? Sep 1, 2017 04:56

BONGHITZ: Jan 1, 1970

god drat it

# ? Sep 1, 2017 05:21

Haier: Aug 10, 2007; by Lowtax

I have become (anal) breath.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 05:29

oohhboy: Jun 8, 2013; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

McGavin posted:

Oh God I'm literally dying laughing RN.

It is literally 4.20 minutes video of a overweight man clenching his butt while fully naked doing his hardest not to turn around. I didn't watch the hole thing as that is like staring at the sun.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLT_jcOQ8qU

# ? Sep 1, 2017 05:30

GoutPatrol: Oct 17, 2009; *Stupid Babby*

oohhboy posted:

It is literally 4.20 minutes

nice

# ? Sep 1, 2017 05:44

Flyball: Apr 17, 2003

oohhboy posted:

It is literally 4.20 minutes video of a overweight man clenching his butt while fully naked doing his hardest not to turn around. I didn't watch the hole thing as that is like staring at the sun.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLT_jcOQ8qU

A black hole sun?

# ? Sep 1, 2017 05:58

Escape Addict: Jan 25, 2012; YOSPOS

Haier, maybe you should practice old school bodybuilding stomach vacuums to balance out your belly breathing habit.

It sounds like belly breathing encourages diastasis recti. Stomach vacuums help exercise your inner abdominal wall, which would reverse this bloating effect.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 06:03

oohhboy: Jun 8, 2013; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Flyball posted:

A black hole sun?

More of a partial ellipse.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 06:03

WarpedNaba: Feb 8, 2012; Being social makes me swell!

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

This took a fun turn. How did you not fart yourself to death

What do you think his posts are

# ? Sep 1, 2017 06:04

oohhboy: Jun 8, 2013; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

WarpedNaba posted:

What do you think his posts are

Greased with gutter oil.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 06:07

Paladin: Nov 26, 2004; You lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it.

Actually, have read a few meditative books that state meditative stomach breathing was NEVER intended to be done constantly, but this was picked up as an emotional control thing by hyper-Confucian cultures. I think this was from David Chapman's Meaningness blog? Doing it all the time is essentially a form of over-training.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 06:16

Fuckface the Hedgehog: Jun 12, 2007

oohhboy posted:

Greased with gutter oil.

In a five piece suit.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 06:19

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

Jesus what the hell is going on here today?

# ? Sep 1, 2017 06:49

Haier: Aug 10, 2007; by Lowtax

Lowtax just put up the ban me thread. Months and months ago, I talked about waiting until the next one of those to get banned and retire this account. I think the timing is good. I leave China in a couple days to go back to my comfortable sweaty life in a tier-two city in India. Coincidentally, a married couple I am friends with here in China just bought tickets to India for a holiday and will be passing through one of the places I will be in, so they want me to show them all the local stuff I know and buy me huge dinners. I graciously accepted, and I can't wait to see their faces when I take them through the poor areas with kids making GBS threads in the street. Perhaps I can poo poo with the kids and bring my selfie stick so we can remember the moment forever.

Escape Addict posted:

Haier, maybe you should practice old school bodybuilding stomach vacuums to balance out your belly breathing habit.

It sounds like belly breathing encourages diastasis recti. Stomach vacuums help exercise your inner abdominal wall, which would reverse this bloating effect.

This sounds cool.
https://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/ms-fit5.htm

I will definitely try it.

Paladin posted:

Actually, have read a few meditative books that state meditative stomach breathing was NEVER intended to be done constantly, but this was picked up as an emotional control thing by hyper-Confucian cultures. I think this was from David Chapman's Meaningness blog? Doing it all the time is essentially a form of over-training.

I used to do a lot of meditation (mindful, "empty," and mantra), and I found that shallow breaths were best for me at that time, which breaks all of the rules. I was always told to breath deeply and slowly, but for some reason I found that light breathing and holding the breaths was what worked for me compared to the traditional ideas. Maybe the lack of oxygen was what made it neat. But, yeah, doing deep breathing all the time is probably not always the best way to go about things.
Since Confucianism has so much about control, I would totally believe they would alter or introduce things to make people more receptive if they believed it might work. Practically all of old and current Chinese culture is just a set of controlling rules designed to shame and force people to not think for themselves or act in a way that doesn't benefit their hierarchy.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 06:55

oohhboy: Jun 8, 2013; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Outrail posted:

Jesus what the hell is going on here today?

Haier went native and now this thread is about anal breathing. All hail the China thread!

# ? Sep 1, 2017 07:01

Gromit: Aug 15, 2000; I am an oppressed White Male, Asian women wont serve me! Save me Campbell Newman!!!!!!!

A good friend of mine leaves in a few days for a few weeks in China. He's paying for it, but it's associated with his law enforcement employer so they bought him some travel gear. I wonder how much spy equipment will be placed in his room?
Anyway, he's half Chinese but doesn't speak it much and hardly ever visits, and I've no idea how much family he has there. But he's all about how China will rise and a while ago I mentioned street making GBS threads and he was all "yeah right, as if". Next time I see him he says he googled it and was thoroughly disgusted. :v:

I look forward to hearing stories about his trip and kinda hope he gets Chinard in some way without it really impacting his holiday in any way beyond having a silly story to tell. While he looks vaguely Asian, he has a serious Fu Manchu moustache/beard thing going on and dresses like a goon so who knows how he will be treated.
He told me he was going to buy some local alcohol to take over for family and I suggested he not buy the best quality, just get the highest alcohol content. Sound about right?

# ? Sep 1, 2017 07:18

WarpedNaba: Feb 8, 2012; Being social makes me swell!

RIP Haier: Tried for Fundamentalist Tao, got Ritualist Tao, died of an exploded asslung.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 07:18

Grand Fromage: Jan 30, 2006; L-l-look at you bar-bartender, a-a pa-pathetic creature of meat and bone, un-underestimating my l-l-liver's ability to metab-meTABolize t-toxins. How can you p-poison a perfect, immortal alcohOLIC?

Gromit posted:

He told me he was going to buy some local alcohol to take over for family and I suggested he not buy the best quality, just get the highest alcohol content. Sound about right?

More or less. Cheap whiskey is a good bet, nobody knows any better. Or any sweet wine as long as it's French.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 07:22

eggyolk: Nov 8, 2007

New thread title earned.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 07:24

Kharnifex: Sep 11, 2001; The Banter is better in AusGBS

Hallooooouuuuuu!

# ? Sep 1, 2017 07:26

Riot Bimbo: Dec 28, 2006

Haier you are like one of the best posters in GBS please don't peace out in a banme thread

# ? Sep 1, 2017 07:34

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 4, 2024 13:09

I would blow Dane Cook: Dec 26, 2008

quote:

The colonel, who is not eating with them, walks to the
table, holding a small photo.

COLONEL
(to Willard)
Captain, you've heard of Captain
Walter E. Haier?

He shows the photo to Willard.

INSERT THE PHOTO

It's an eight-by-ten black-and-white portrait of a laowai riding a skateboard.

WILLARD
Yes, sir. I've heard the name.

The Colonel accidentally drops the dossier. Papers, photos,
etc., scatter all over the floor. He stoops down to pick
them up.

COLONEL
Jesus...Operations officer, Fifth
Special Forces.

GENERAL
Luke, would you play that tape,
for the captain, please?
(to Willard)
Listen to it carefully, Captain.

The Colonel moves to a tape recorder and turns it on.

MALE VOICE (ON TAPE) (V.O.)
"October 9, 04:30 hours, Sector
Peter, Victor, King."

GENERAL
These were monitored out of
China. It's been verified as
Colonel Haier's voice.

All the men, including Willard, listen in wonder.

Haier (ON TAPE) (V.O.)
"I watched a small snail, crawling
on the edge of a straight razor.
That's my dream. It's my nightmare.
Crawling, slithering, along the
edge of a straight razor, and
surviving."

MALE VOICE (ON TAPE) (V.O.)
"Transmission 11, received '68,
December 30, 05:00 hours, Sector
King, Zulu, King".

Haier (ON TAPE) (V.O.)
"But we must plunge them. We must
incinerate them. Pig after pig.
Cow after cow. Village after
village. Army after army. And
they call me a plunger. What do
you call it, when the plungers
accuse the plunger? They lie.
They lie and we have to be merciful,
for those who lie. Those nongmin.
I hate them. I really hate them."

The TAPE is TURNED OFF.

GENERAL
Walter Haier was one of the most
outstanding Plungers this country's
ever produced. He was brilliant.
He was outstanding in every way.
And he was a good man, too. A
humanitarian man. A man of wit
and humor. He joined the Special
Plungers, and after that, his ideas,
methods, became...unsound. Unsound.

COLONEL
Now he's crossed into India
with this Chaoshan army of his,
that worship the man like a god,
and follow him every order, however
ridiculous. Well, I have some
other shocking news to tell you.
Colonel Haier was about to be
arrested for plunging.

WILLARD
I don't follow sir. Plunged who?

COLONEL
Haier had ordered the plunging of
some Chinese women.
Women he believed were 8/10.
So he took matters into his own
hands.

GENERAL
Well, you see, Willard, in this
war, things get confused out there.
Power, ideals, the old morality,
and practical military necessity.
But out there with these natives,
it must be a temptation to be God.
Because the rational and the
irrational, between good for healthy and bad.
And good does not always triumph.
Sometimes, the dark side overcomes
what Lincoln called the better
angels of our nature. Every man
has got a breaking point. You
have and I have them. Walter Haier
has reached his. And, very
obviously, he has gone insane.

Willard looks from the colonel to the general to the
civilian. They are intensely interested in his response,
which they want to be "yes."

WILLARD
(carefully)
Yes, sir. Very much so, sir.
Obviously insane.

The three men pull back, satisfied.

COLONEL
Your mission is to proceed up the
Nong River in a navy patrol boat,
pick up Colonel Haier's path at
Shenzhen, follow it, learn what you
can along the way. When you find
the colonel, infiltrate his team
by whatever means available, and
terminate the colonel's account.

WILLARD
(to General)
Terminate...the colonel?

GENERAL
He's out there plunging without
any decent restraint, totally beyond
the pale of any acceptable human
conduct. And he is still on the
field commanding troops.

CIVILIAN
Terminate his account with extreme prejudice.

The civilian hands Willard a cigarette, and lights it for
him.

COLONEL
You understand, Captain, that this
mission does not exist, nor will
it ever exist.

FIN

I would blow Dane Cook fucked around with this message at 07:38 on Sep 1, 2017

# ? Sep 1, 2017 07:36

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Taiwan Number 1

«‹›933 »