PetraCore posted:

Yeah also 'I'd rather have you be a prostitute than take pictures of a normally unerotic body part for erotic purposes' is... weird, right? Like, I don't even follow that train of logic, even jumping over how gross it is to feel like you get to make these decisions for someone you're crushing on

maskenfreiheit posted:

He [34M] turned into a nightmare. I [24F] need to deal with this but am a little lost.Breakups (self.relationships)

maskenfreiheit posted:

He [34M] turned into a nightmare. I [24F] need to deal with this but am a little lost.Breakups (self.relationships)

Pick posted:

My (28F) husband (36M) doesn't understand the difference between a stay-at-home-mom and me working at home after we had the baby, and it's causing problems.Relationships
588 points 242 comments submitted 2 years ago by jg78 to r/relationships

Edit: We have been together for 8 years, married for 5, and our daughter was very planned.

I have never made a ton of money but I have always made enough and felt like my work was worthwhile. I work as a graphic designer for an alternative publication (not the highest paying gig in my field but a good work atmosphere). I also used to freelance web design before we recently had the baby, but it's been too busy since I got pregnant to do much freelance work. I can do both oldschool graphic design and web design and have a good portfolio. I was very lucky - when we got pregnant, I was considering different work options to stay with the baby, and my boss basically said "Keep your same job, same pay, and work from home if you want, plus 3 months paid maternity leave." My paper also gives us pretty awesome healthcare (the baby is on my healthcare, not my husband's, because his is mediocre but mine is like basically the best - almost no co-pays, everything you can imagine is covered down to acupuncture and hypnosis even, etc) so that was a plus. I also never wanted to stop working entirely because I value my independence and my job is also a creative outlet for me.

My husband makes a lot more than I do (always has since I've known him, as he was already in his firm when we met) and just made partner at his firm around the same time we found out we were pregnant. He has always worked long hours but actually has been able to work a little less since making partner. He's down to 55 a week. He's been as high as 80 before (when we met), but it's kind of steadily declined. His job is high-stress Biglaw basically. But he does really, really enjoy it, from what he says.

We had our baby girl 4 months ago, and she is adorable and awesome. We're very happy. Except I've been back working properly just this month (I did wind up doing a tiny bit of work on my 3 months off as there were some pinches my boss was in with the team and I pitched in - no pressure to do so, but I heard about them since my workmates are also my friends, and I offered to pitch in a few times). It has been harder than I thought, mainly because I'm basically doing 2 jobs at once. I figure you can imagine it'd be harder than normally working to also have a baby that needs stuff (our baby is actually a really "good baby" and she isn't the neediest - or at the neediest age, which worries me for the future - but it's still harder to maintain focus, etc).

Our house is a loving wreck, and my sister suggested I look into a maid service since we are really struggling since the baby has come. I used to do the majority of the chores, but my husband helped out when I was very pregnant and couldn't get around well. He basically stopped again when the baby was born. Since I used to get home before him and leave after him (his long days), I used to do basically everything but the dishes. We always ate out a fair amount (I cook half the nights, takeaway or restaurant half the nights) but we live under our means in most areas, so that was never considered a big expense. I'm not the world's greatest cook. The bathrooms, counters, laundry, etc, all fell to me, but it was a lot easier before the baby.

My normally nice, calm, loving husband flipped out and got very stubborn when I approached him with maid service (they'd come 1x/week, and it'd be $75 weekly but if we bought by the month, $250 for the month reduced) option. He said basically why would a SAHM need a maid service? I tried to point out I'm STILL WORKING - I'm a WAHM, not a SAHM - but he said it should be easier to do my work at home than an office so he didn't see what had changed. Maybe when our daughter was making messes, but he thought getting a maid service would just discourage me from "getting into the swing of things again." He even suggested it'd put me at risk for PPD (which I don't have any symptoms of, thank goodness).

So, I thought maybe he was really stressed when we first talked about it and it was just bad timing. I tried 2 more times, and he seems to tow the same line. I suggested he start picking up more chores then and he doesn't see why things would change. We had a baby! Things change! I don't really understand him not getting that. We talked about some changes, but never a maid or the chores, so I guess this is poor planning.

It's worth noting:

My husband is understanding of the mess and not complaining about it. He sees it as a temporary adjustment period.

My husband spends time with his daughter and is bonding with her (I think) and he does give me some "me" time regularly which I appreciate. We're still breastfeeding now, so I'm tethered to the house or baby a lot but he is being a very engaged and active Dad when he's home, and he is trying to be home as much as he can.

My husband didn't yell - he did become frustrated and unreasonable - but he is never rude or abusive. He just doesn't understand my reasoning or need here.

We have the money. We live well below our means and we won't be traveling this year (we usually do) and the baby won't cost nearly as much as our trips usually cost, so we have extra money in addition this year. The delivery cost us literally nothing as my health insurance is that good (this is rare, I think, from what I've heard) and I lost no income except a little less freelance work, which we always treated as extra anyway.

I am worried about 2 things: 1) the messy house in the short-term and finding a solution but 2) the fact that my husband doesn't see a need for things to change due to a baby and doesn't seem to realize how HARD it is to do my work all day AND be a Mom all day just because I can do it in my pajamas. Trying to figure out when I can get a shower, if I want one before my husband gets home at 7pm or if I don't get up early enough before he leaves at 7am, is like solving a loving rubix cube! My days are much, much harder now (I love my baby and I'm happy to be with her, I'm just saying) and I feel like he has no concept.

TL;DR - My otherwise good guy husband can't see the difference between a Work at Home Mom (me) and a Stay at Home Mom (not me) and is being really weird about getting housekeeping service OR pitching in more chores himself.

Pick posted:

I [21F] can't keep financially supporting my [23M] boyfriendRelationships
84 points 73 comments submitted 5 days ago by throwawayacc4899 to r/relationships

Hi reddit, throwaway account cause my boyfriend definitely knows my reddit account and I'm super paranoid cause finding this would start world war 3...

I started dating this guy about 6 months or so ago. Met him off OKCupid, he took me out to a nice bar, told me he did work on and off at offices but was interviewing to be a software engineer at a defense systems place. Cool! There were other things too that I was interested in -- we have the same weird sense of humor, he's shown himself to be creative and resourceful, and he's pretty intelligent. I really like him.

One thing that's been bothering me is... he doesn't have a job. That software engineer job turned him down. He dropped out of college with a year left, which I get, he was in a competitive program and it took a huge toll. He can always finish his degree elsewhere, another time, but he told me he wants to take a break from school since it was bad for his mental health and stuff. Then he applies for a string of programming jobs, which he ranges from being excited for to acting like he's above it -- like complaining about how he may need to learn a clunky proprietary language at a company he's interviewing for. He's definitely applying for the standard entry jobs that are "bachelor's and 2 years of experience" with no bachelors and only sporadic intern work as experience.

I'm like -- "ok - I figured out why you're not employed" and started trying to steer him towards applying to jobs that don't have that in the description. He applied for a job at the Apple store, was late for an interview, and rescheduled another interview at the last minute. Then when he didn't get the job, I said he should have been more mindful of time, and he said the company was just wasting his time and wasn't worth it anyway. He tried to get a job at his friends company doing PBX stuff, but was denied because they said they needed someone more experienced for the role. When he told me this news, I told him that must have been frustrating to hear but suggested to try casting a larger and less discriminate net and suggested he work part time working at home depot, as a dog walker, as a barback, anything like that. Then he can even just work part time, and spend part time developing a portfolio and getting certifications - I rationalize this by saying compsci is over-saturated and businesses can afford to have very high standards and not take a risk on him, so he needs to change how he's doing things. He doesn't entertain this idea, says that the companies are missing out on the real talent (him) and that there's lots of people trying to get compsci degrees, but only a few people with them, and entry level programmers are stupid so he gets piled in with them. I'm not saying anything, cause he's one of those lots of people that tried to get a degree, not one of the few with them... We have a similar discussion every single time a job doesn't work out, or if he goes through a long dry period.

So my issue is segmented into a couple different concerns. First, I have finite money resources. I just started school, I need to pay rent, I need to pay utilities, I need to pay for furnishings, I need to pay for food -- and I'm working less because I need to balance work and class. I work at a pretty good job for a college student assisting B2B customers at a tech support company and it pays a living wage... for one. I made a rough budget and Boyfriend only just barely fits and leaves me like $10 a week for "me" expenses/saving. So, there's that.

Second, I absolutely cannot stand whatever kind of entitlement issue he must have. Working at the Apple store is apparently below him. Working at Target is apparently below him. Learning a badly made proprietary language is apparently below him. He won't travel more than an hour and a half. I don't know how to break it to him without hitting him over the head that no job is below him, because he doesn't have a friggin job. Every time I bring up him lowering his standards a bit, he goes off about how he already tries and applies to a wide array of different jobs, just nobody ever calls him back and those who interview him turn him down. I'm pretty sure every unqualified job that interviews him just bolsters his confidence that he's qualified, and he'll get it if he keeps trying. I really, really, really doubt he's applying for retail style jobs, since he does nothing but poo poo on those occupations whenever I suggest them -- and if he were, he'd have a job by the end of this week. So he's above everything he's actually qualified. One thing he isn't above is having me pay whenever we go out...

Am I just being too harsh and concerned with money over the real connection that we have? I'm not sure how to go forward with this. I feel like our relationship is a living example of the sunk cost fallacy, except instead of just emotions, we've added money into the mix too. I have friends telling me I need to leave him for someone that has some money, and a mother that seems to be insinuating the same thing. I don't want to dump someone I otherwise like a lot over money, but I sure am getting annoyed at how he acts about employment and his lack of a job is injecting so much extra stress into my life. Like, I've never been unemployed for a stretch because I understand how momentum works. I've worked pretty much every lovely job over the course of my life, and when I need to become employed, I pick up a poo poo job and use it for income until I can search and find a better job, then I leave the lovely job ASAP and leave them off my resume. He refuses to do this and claims he won't have time to job search and work. Help me reddit, every article and reddit thread I've read about this has a purple link and I don't know how to fix this issue without walking away from it, which I really don't want to do.

tl;dr: Boyfriend doesn't have a job, can't/won't find a job, I pay for everything, and now I have less money to pay for things than I did before. This causes issues. Please either help me figure out a way to get through to him, or leave free date ideas below.

Absurd Alhazred posted:

"How do I cope with this ball and chain I have willfully attached to my leg, and to which I have the key?"

quote:

I [25 M] may have just found out my friend [25 M] of 3 years seems to have been lying about his life both past and present.Non-Romantic
9 points 27 comments submitted 1 year ago by PathalogicalThroaway to r/relationships

TL;DR: Friend tells me increasingly unbelievable, unverifiable things and slipped up with one. Is everything he tells me a lie? What do I do about it?

My friend and I have always gotten along very well. We're pretty similar, we like some of the same things, and we want some of the same things from life. From the beginning he's always told me stories about his work, his charity, his finances, his talents, his college escapades, and his past in general that always seemed a little far fetched but not out of the realm of possibility. But the more things I find out and combining the things he tells me together makes me insanely skeptical.

For example:

He told me that when he was a child he was a model for some clothing magazines. He said all the money he made is in a retirement account and he plans on retiring very early.
He told me that he skipped a lot of High School and went straight to college and got a 4 year degree in 2 years.
He told me that he went straight into working and has been working for 3 more years than I have since I graduated right before I turned 21.
He says he works high up in finance for FedEx, which means he probably makes big bucks (I assume). But he also says that during Christmas times and certain other times he has to ride in the trucks with the driver (for whatever reason).
He says he has a pretty good portfolio, that he's very active with his account, and he told me how much he makes per month doing so. Apparently he makes almost double my salary just with his portfolio.
He says he teaches classes occasionally to teach people how to manage their own portfolio.
He says he hired some designers and a lawyer and submitted a floor plan for a house to a big cookie cutter house company and they decided to use it and he gets royalties of some sort every time they build a house with the design.
He told me that he was offered a full scholarship to Julliard for singing but didn't take it due to some really large personal events I won't go into.
There's many more but the thing is, while each time he tells me these things I'm in complete disbelief. But most of these things aren't verifiable from my standpoint and I need some 3rd party knowledge to verify them. Honestly it doesn't really interfere with hanging out and taking vacations together and such, but the more I hear the less believable it is.

The one thing that may have gave him away is something he did recently. He sent me a lovely cell phone quality sound clip of "him singing." I noticed it didn't sound like him but something he's never done when we're together is full out sing. He'll hum and he'll lightly falsetto, but not all out. I can tell from those things that he is pretty good at singing so when he told me that the recording was him I was inclined to believe him.

However, still being skeptical, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to actually be able to verify something. So I listened really hard and I made out some of the lyrics, put the lyrics in quotation marks in google, and found 3 results. 2 were in Korean, and one was English. I find the song on Youtube, and it's really different, full on radio style song with lots of production. The version he sent me was just an acoustic guitar version, same words though.
Three results down there's an acoustic version, I click it and it's 1:1 what he sent me. He pulled that video up and recorded it with his cell phone, without a doubt. He's really trying to sell it too saying he was just strumming 3 chords and decided to record it one night while sipping some wine. If it's a prank then he's taking it extremely far.

At this point, I have no idea what to do. I have no clue if everything he's told me is false because this one thing is false. I don't know if he's ever going to come out and admit he's "pranking" me about this. I don't want to confront him per se, as I don't see how that would help at all. But I also don't want to have to be lied to for the rest of our friendship. The lies don't necessarily hurt me they do however confuse me as they're completely unnecessary. I'm open to everyone's thoughts on the subject.

quote:

I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive or insecure, but this situation is making me crazy. My boyfriend, Gabe, seems like a very trustworthy, honest guy. But I have a tendency to get jealous easily because I've been burned pretty hard in previous relationships. So I would really appreciate an outsiders perspective here. I'll try to stick to the facts and be unbiased.

Gabe and I have been dating just over a year and things have been great for the most part. He's been best friends with Janice for about 10 years. To my knowledge they've only ever been platonic friends. Janice got married around the time I started dating Gabe, and he was in her bridal party.

Ever since I met Janice she's seemed like, for lack of a better word, a trainwreck. The first night I met her at a dinner party she was doing coke behind her husbands back (who does coke at a dinner party anyway??) and she told me a "funny" story about this one time she went out of town for a conference but ended up partying all week with some NFL players she met at a bar and never told her husband. Not a great first impression, but I knew how important she was to Gabe so I bit my tongue.

Well the second time I met her I was going to meet Gabes family for the first time at Christmas and was surprised to learn Janice was coming too. I was a little put off that my first time meeting his parents she would be there but apparently she always spends Christmas with his family so whatever. She made some comment to me that she was glad I was there this time because his relatives always think she's his gf. Ok...

Well she proceeded to get absolutely wasted at the Christmas party. The whole night she was talking about how hot Gabes cousin was. I went to sleep around 11pm because I was exhausted and had had a few glasses of wine. Gabe said he'd join me in bed in an hour. Some time later I was woken up by Gabe getting in bed. I turned toward him to kiss him goodnight and was horrified to see it wasn't him, but Janice! She was drunk as hell and passed out. I sort of freaked out and went out to get Gabe. He thought it was hilarious and went in to tell her to move to the couch. She was so wasted though and totally passed out so he carried her to the couch. I couldn't help but wonder if she usually sleeps in bed with him and went there out of habit.

Then in the morning we were talking and spooning, half naked, when Janice comes in the room unannounced, gets in bed with us, and starts rubbing Gabes back telling him he needs to wax his back. I was visibly uncomfortable so Gabe asked her to leave while we got dressed. She reluctantly left after he told her to leave 3 times.
I haven't seen her in person since that incident, but Gabe goes to lunch or dinner with her maybe once a month or every other month. I'm never invited.

At least 4 times that I can remember (and these were just the times in which I was present, so who knows) she's called Gabe very drunkenly telling him he needs to come get her. She's drunk and needs a ride home because her husband is mad. Or she's with some shady people and needs an out. Idk, its always something she needs from him and she's wasted and drugged up. And her fiance never knows. Gabe always comes to her rescue.

Well just yesterday, it happened again. She called him at noon saying she was drunk with some friends in the area and needed a ride to a town that's like an hour and a half away. Gabe was coming down with a fever and also had quite a bit of work to do so I thought for sure he would say no. He texted me that he didn't want to drive so far but that he felt bad. I questioned him why he felt bad, and told him how I felt about it - that she's an adult and needs to take responsibility for her actions. That she can call an uber. That this whole thing where she gets hosed up and he bails her out was getting old, and that I don't think he should continue to enable it.

Well he ignored what I said and picked Janice up and spent 3 hours of his day driving her. He said he asked her to pay for his gas and she said she didn't have enough money.
He told me that she wasnt always like this and has just been depressed lately and he feels like he owes her because she helped him a lot when he was a mess several years ago. I get that... But to what end? I feel at this point he's enabling her and she's just being a lovely friend. And I sort of feel disrespected in all of this, but I'm not sure if that's unfounded?

I just don't know what to think at this point. I don't know how to tell him why this upsets me or if I even should.

Tl;dr My boyfriend's bff regularly gets wasted, drugged up, in trouble, etc. and wants my bf to come to her rescue. She also just rubs me the wrong way and makes me uncomfortable. Am I being crazy??

Pick posted:

I [21F] can't keep financially supporting my [23M] boyfriendRelationships
84 points 73 comments submitted 5 days ago by throwawayacc4899 to r/relationships

Pick posted:

I [21F] can't keep financially supporting my [23M] boyfriendRelationships
84 points 73 comments submitted 5 days ago by throwawayacc4899 to r/relationships

Hi reddit, throwaway account cause my boyfriend definitely knows my reddit account and I'm super paranoid cause finding this would start world war 3...

I started dating this guy about 6 months or so ago.

Absurd Alhazred posted:

My boyfriend's [30M] best friend [30F] is a hot mess and he's always coming to her rescue. She makes me [25F] uncomfortable. Am I being crazy?


No, you're actually the side chick.

quote:

Me [24M] with my ex-wfe [24F] she just ended a relationship of 9 years.Breakups
2 points 15 comments submitted 1 year ago by NotSureWhatToDo19 to r/relationships

As the title says my wife and I split up two weeks ago. I want to start by giving a little back story that lead up to our split. Im a 24 male, and my ex-wife is a 24 female and we was together for 9 years.

I recently finished college and me and my wife moved back to our home town. We bought a little house together and I thought everything was going well. Then 9 months ago she caught me watching porn. People have told me this is not a big deal, but heres the thing. My ex-wife has very low self-esteem. When she saw me watching porn it made things a lot worse and I promised I would never do it again, and I haven’t. For the few weeks after that event things were rocky but did get better, but she wanted to go speak to a councilor to talk about and work through the problems that we had, I refused, she begged me for a long time to speak with someone but I always said no. The reason being was when I was 9 my parents got divorced and I had to speak with a counselor and I hated it and swore I would never go back.

Fast forwarded to 3 months ago, We had not been spending as much time together due to my new job and working 12 hour shifts, also being away most nights which made things harder on us both.

When we first broke up we was still texting and she wanted to stay friends. I told her I wanted to try but dident think I could be just friends as seeing her with someone else would be too painful. We had not talked in the past 3 days but I got a text from her tonight asking how I was doing. So I explained how I felt and she says she feels bad for how I feel. I told her I would do anything to fix the issues that we have, and would really like to go talk to a councilor but she thinks its gotten to bad now and does not want to try anymore.

I guess I’m writing this to see if anyone has any advice on how to try to fix things, I want to be with her. But if shes not happy then as much as it hurts I want to let her go, I just don’t know how. I have known her since I was 7, I’m 24 now, and she has always been the person that I talked to when I had problems. I just feel lost now and I’m not sure what to do about it.

TLDR; Wife broke up with me after begging to see a councilor, im now lost and would do anything to get her back.

quote:

I [23M] broke up with my gf [23F] after a 4 year long relationship because my personal life was falling apart and I couldn't handle both it and her. Now she blocked me and won't talk to me.Breakups
0 points 15 comments submitted 1 year ago by boundlesskid to r/relationships

Here's the thing. We met in the beginning of college and we dated through almost all of it. Back when we met, I was a fashion photographer, and she was a luxury magazine journalist. 2 years ago, after college, she had a pretty steady job and I didn't, so I decided to go for another degree, this time a major in engineering. She kept working for the same company, eventually got promoted and I got into the engineering course I wanted. But once in there, it took a huge tool in our relationship, because it consumed me so very much and left me with no drive to go out with her. But we were making our way around it, traveling, going out to parties, not arguing very much and stuff like that.

Things started to go south in the last 6 months of our relationship. I was so tired of not working and making money that I decided start a startup. So I called a cousin of my mine, we started working together and it was working out fine, but it demanded so much time from me that I started leaving her to her own devices. Month after month I was so busy with it that we started fighting a lot, we had 2 time outs (none longer than 2 weeks), and she started feeling more and more depressed because I did not gave her enough attention and did not care enough for her, even though she supported me through the whole time since the end of college (changing carreers, etc). A friend of mine talked to her recently, and she said she was feeling totally left alone, with no self esteem at all because I treated her really bad.

During the second semester of '15 my partner and I got into many arguments about the future of the company and it was very clear that it was going to fail. My life was falling apart because I had invested all of my money into this company, so I started to get desperate. I did not know what to do, so I turned back into photography, and eventually made a nude photoshoot with a girl friend of mine, and she also took photos of me. I only told her after it. She got really mad, naturally, and it only worsened things up. I was being totally inconsiderate, I can see that now.

By the end of december my company was on a dead end, I had no idea what to do with the rest of my life. I decided to go visit my girlfriend at her place. We got into a insane argument about many past fights, and by the morning we had broken up. I really needed time for myself, as I could not handle my life falling apart and a relationship that wasn't working, because it would only hurt both of us more and more.

We had a trip to Europe scheduled to celebrate our 4th year anniversary. Initially we decided to go together anyway. However, three weeks after the break up she decided that we shouldn't go together and that she was going with a girl friend of hers. Now, this girl friend of hers is a total bitch. She used to badmouth my gf behind her back, she have several debts from parties and birthday gifts that she asked my girlfriend to pay for her and she never payed back. My gf and her did not talk to each other until the break up, but she (gf) decided that they were going together anyway.

In this time we met, my girlfriend told me that now she saw the last few months of the relationship as a black hole in her life, that she never wanted to go back to. I did not understand at first, but felt very offended anyway. She then proceeded to ask me for half of the euros I bought for our trip, to which I refused profusely, saying that she broke my heart when she said that "our relationship was a black hole". She got really mad, started to ask for her stuff that was still in my place.

Cut back to present. I ended up traveling alone to Europe, and it was horribly lonely, but it gave me a good time to put my thoughts back in place, develop a plan to get my career back and think about our relationship. While I was there, I sent her a e-mail telling her I was thinking about her, and how I now realized that it was my fault for letting her down, that I completed ignored her through the past months. I told her that I loved her very much during our relationship and that she was one the most amazing persons I'll ever meet, and that in the end, I missed her a lot. Told her that the trip was completely pointless without her, since it was supposed to celebrate our 4th year anniversary.

She did not replied. As a matter of fact, she blocked me from all social media and apparently on Whatsapp too. No, I did not try to call her nor to send her a new email.

When I came back, last Monday, I went to a bar with a common friend of ours. He went out with her twice after our break up. The last time was on the middle of January. He told me everything that she told him. She was totally torn apart, because I treated her very badly during the last months, and all of her friends told her the same: that I was a complete rear end in a top hat. She felt that she had zero self esteem and was feeling terrible, and she needed to get back in touch with the things that she like and start to "love herself again", because even though she supported me all along, I gave her little to no support in her problems. She also said that I was the love of her life, that she still thought about me a lot, but it was very hard and that she was struggling.

Now I'm regretful. I know that I drove her away because of all of my life's problems and how I totally forgot about her and only thought about me. But I'm getting my life back on track. I now see the mistakes that I've made and am willing to compromise not to put her in the last on my priority list. However, she had blocked me now and I see no way of contacting her. She is currently traveling with the bitch friend and will be back on the 23rd of February. Though she had blocked me, she has been posting a lot on social media, mainly on snapchat, including pics with guys that she and the friend probably met in a bar, and this torns me apart. I really want her back, as now I realize that she is also the love of my life.

I have made a box full of our photographs, a sunflower (a inside joke of ours) and a handwritten 5 page letter. In the letter, I do not put myself in first place, but her, and I tell her how I deeply understand how she felt left alone and abandoned, and that I recognized that this was in fact the black hole that she talked about. I tell her how I was so terribly sorry for doing this to her, and that we had many happy moments, and we could to be happy together. I was thinking about going to her place, leave the box by her door, ring the bell and wait for her to read it. By the end of the letter it is written "now please, come outside and talk to me".

However, our common friend told me to wait at least one or two weeks after she comes back in order to do this. The reason is that if I do too quickly, she will still be mad as hell, as she will be still impressed by her trip. He also said that she only blocked me on social medias because she didn't want to think about me during it. So, in his words, I need to let the trip sink into her and let her think about everything before using this card.

I have no clue of what to do next, reddit. I love her. I know let her down, but the perspective does not seem really good. What do I do to get her back? Should I really wait 2 weeks? I'm afraid if I wait too long she will forget about me and move on.

Pick posted:

My (28F) husband (36M) doesn't understand the difference between a stay-at-home-mom and me working at home after we had the baby, and it's causing problems.Relationships

quote:

I m24 am meeting my ex f20 tomorrow. Believe I may have just one chance to reconcile. Help?Breakups
4 points 12 comments submitted 2 years ago by thirty3degree to r/relationships

I have taken my gf of 2+ years massively for granted. I have underachieved repeatedly in the bedroom which has exacerbated neurotic tendencies I already had regarding intimacy. To make matters infinitely worse I betrayed her trust by flirting with other girls on line and to an extent in person. Albeit never physically. Though I can see the underlying issues as to why I have behaved this way; low self esteem, no father figure growing up, the majority of romantic relationships I saw while younger I was aware of infidelity. Self medicating with drugs, porn damaging the way in which I respond sexually. A myriad of things to imprint on a youngster that surely muddied my attempts maintaining a relationship with someone I genuinely adore. However, I know these issues never forced me to behave abhorrently. That was my own cruel and immature thinking and choices.

Since the relationship broke down upon my ex finding out about my infidelity I have started seeing a counsellor to get to the bottom of my problems, this has opened me up to the concept of a madonna-whore dichotomy that I believe may explain how I find it difficult to see someone I love dearly in a sexual way. I've tried eating well and using it as a springboard for improving myself in all facets of my psyche. Like exercising and cutting out on porn. I haven't been entirely successful but I have made improvements.

Tomorrow, she has agreed to see me at a coffee place. I am hoping for her to see that I am committed to changing myself for the better. But I worry that she is done with me and even though I understand why I know she loved me truly.

Maybe I'm rambling here and forgive me if the spelling or grammar is off, I'm on my mobile. My question to all of you both male and female is, how does somebody best express there sincerest desires for self improvement when they have destroyed the trust by lying, hiding parts of my psyche and living a secretive life? Is there anything I can do, not necessarily to get her back (right now) but show her even people who lie and are damaged also experience real love. Are willing to change and that I would not squander a second chance?

Thank you for your time and serious replies. Again I apologise for rambling and poor formatting. I have taken my gf of 2+ years massively for granted. I have underachieved repeatedly in the bedroom which has exacerbated neurotic tendencies I already had regarding intimacy. To make matters infinitely worse I betrayed her trust by flirting with other girls on line and to an extent in person. Albeit never physically. Though I can see the underlying issues as to why I have behaved this way; low self esteem, no father figure growing up, the majority of romantic relationships I saw while younger I was aware of infidelity. Self medicating with drugs, porn damaging the way in which I respond sexually. A myriad of things to imprint on a youngster that surely muddied my attempts maintaining a relationship with someone I genuinely adore. However, I know these issues never forced me to behave abhorrently. That was my own cruel and immature thinking and choices.

Since the relationship broke down upon my ex finding out about my infidelity I have started seeing a counsellor to get to the bottom of my problems, this has opened me up to the concept of a madonna-whore dichotomy that I believe may explain how I find it difficult to see someone I love dearly in a sexual way. I've tried eating well and using it as a springboard for improving myself in all facets of my psyche. Like exercising and cutting out on porn. I haven't been entirely successful but I have made improvements.

Tomorrow, she has agreed to see me at a coffee place. I am hoping for her to see that I am committed to changing myself for the better. But I worry that she is done with me and even though I understand why I know she loved me truly.

Maybe I'm rambling here and forgive me if the spelling or grammar is off, I'm on my mobile. My question to all of you both male and female is, how does somebody best express there sincerest desires for self improvement when they have destroyed the trust by lying, hiding parts of my psyche and living a secretive life? Is there anything I can do, not necessarily to get her back (right now) but show her even people who lie and are damaged also experience real love. Are willing to change and that I would not squander a second chance?

Pick posted:

and we was together for 9 years. 

I recently finished college 

Pick posted:

quote:

He wakes up and immediately reaches for his phone instead of reaching for you, because the latest news headlines are more captivating than a naked girl in bed next to him.

He criticizes you for walking around the house in the nude, because the neighbors might see you through the blinds.

You offer oral sex, but he's too busy reading movie reviews.

He walks into the dining room to find you bent over the table, with your sundress pulled up to reveal your lack of undergarments and your glorious bare buttocks, and he only laughs.

quote:

I'm becoming increasingly worried that my boyfriend is being overly controlling. I think that I probably put up with a lot more from him than many women in my position would. I need some outside opinions on what to do here.

Let's start with the good! He is very thoughtful and caring: he writes me little love notes, he buys my favorite snacks, he gives me back rubs when I've had a long day. He'll get up at 6 AM on his day off just to make sure I have time for breakfast, and even pack me a lunch. If I need anything at all, he's there. He opens doors. He tells me that I'm beautiful, and encourages me in whatever I try. He's even really sweet to my dogs. Great guy, right? He's the first person I've ever wanted a family with, and the only one I've thought about growing old with.

Now for the bad. He wants most things done his way, and is very stubborn about it. When I was car shopping, he insisted on me only looking at vehicles that he approved of. If we're making a meal together, he wants the vegetables cut just SO (he once got cross with me for cutting a green onion starting with the green side instead of the white), or the eggs mixed with only THIS whisk. He corrects me if I use improper manners at the dinner table (fork in left hand, knife in right, remember to sit up straight). He tells me what to do, and how to manage my time. He lectures me if I disagree.

If, however, I do something that he approves of, he is sure to point it out. He smiles and praises my good posture. He tells me that my pepper dicing skills are lovely.

I feel like I'm losing myself. I question every thing I do. I've told him that he's not letting me be myself; he says that he's only trying to help me, that's he's not criticizing me, that I'm just too sensitive and I take his words the wrong way. He says that I communicate poorly, and that I don't know how to do things cooperatively in a relationship.

Could he be right? Or am I blind and lost here?

Tl;dr Boyfriend criticizes everything I do, I don't know who I am anymore.

quote:

I'm on the couch at the moment, angry and lonely.

I'd been wanting my guy all day. I was patient but flirty and sweet. Earlier I cuddled up to him and asked "Please can we have sex tonight? Plleeeaase?" He laughed and replied "How can I say no when you ask like that?"

But he was too busy at that moment. He was too busy to join me for a shower. He was too busy with his phone to fool around when we went to bed.

When he started drifting off to sleep, I got up. He asked where I was going.

"To the couch, to masturbate," I replied.

"Why? Come back to bed."

"Because I want to have sex with you, but you're not interested, so I'm going to go take care of myself."

"That's not fair."

"No, it isn't. But that's just the way it is."

"Come back to bed."

"I'll come back when I'm done. I don't want to keep you up with another earthquake." (A couple of weeks ago he woke up to what he thought was an earthquake, but was just me frustrated and trying to get off. Apparently I was shaking the bed)

So here I am. On the couch, but too angry to do what I came out here for.

quote:

...it's not fulfilling. I'm so so focused on trying to make the most of this rare opportunity that I can't relax and enjoy it. He'll sometimes finish quickly, then apologize and leave me unsatisfied and frustrated while he reads the news. Other times he stops as soon as he gets me off, saying that he doesn't need to, that he's "saving it for later." Then he'll lay there, still very erect, and read online articles until it goes down.

quote:

I'm mid thirties, he's mid forties, we've been together a little over a year and a half, living together about a year.

I used to absolutely adore him, and always wanted to spend time together. He seems to still feel that way, but lately I just want more time alone.

I do love him, but: I don't enjoy conversations with him. I find him overbearing and annoying at times.
I'm angry with him frequently.
I'm okay with not cuddling at night like we used to.
I'm high libido, but lately have little interest in sex.
I'm not excited about our future together any more. I want to develop hobbies that don't include him.
I wish that he would go away for a week.
I miss having my own space.

I don't want to just give up on this, and I'm not interested in anyone else. Am I just bored? Is this normal in a relationship?

TL;DR I've lost that loving feeling, and I'm just grumpy all the time with him now.

quote:

My (34f) boyfriend (46m) doesn't have a 'real' job. I tell people that he works on computers from home, but the truth is that he barely works at all. He does flipping; buying things cheap, and reselling for a profit. He does this with laptops and computers, but also with random items.

I would be totally fine with this, IF it was more profitable, but the way things are now, we're barely scraping by each month. We're behind on many bills, and have no savings. We live very frugally: clothes come from the thrift store, we shop at the cheapo depot and flea markets, some of our food we get expired and slightly stale. We've lived together for about a year; I moved into his house, he pays the mortgage and utilities I give him over half of my income and still buy most of the food, gas, etc.

Back to the boyfriend: he's mid-forties, has a college education, is very well-read, and is one of the smartest people I know. But he hasn't had a 'real' job in 5 years or so, and doesn't seem to be very ambitious. He spends most of his time reading news articles and getting upset with the current state of the world. He doesn't get anything done during the day because he's too distracted with arguing politics or researching the best and cheapest way to do something.

We HAVE talked about him working. He says that he doesn't want to get a job here in our city, because we plan on moving elsewhere, that there are few opportunities for him here. He'd rather make the move first, and then get a well paying job in a bigger city. But he's been saying that for a year and a half, and we've made no progress towards moving or him getting a job.

Me, I work full time in a profession that I'm burnt out on, and I really want a change. He's enthusiastic about me going back to school and getting a degree in something that will open up high paying job opportunities for me. That's great, but when I ask him what HE plans on doing while I become an engineer or biologist, or whatever, he gets all defensive and doesn't want to talk about it. I guess I'M supposed to support us financially?

I don't know how the hell he's survived this long on his own before I came along. I'm losing my attraction to him because he doesn't seem capable of supporting himself, much less any family we may have in the future.

tl;dr My well-educated and intelligent boyfriend hasn't had a job in several years and the income he makes from flipping isn't enough to keep him afloat. Will he ever get his life together, or am I wasting my time and money on him?

Haifisch posted:

He does flipping; buying things cheap, and reselling for a profit.

He's enthusiastic about me going back to school and getting a degree in something that will open up high paying job opportunities for me.

Haifisch posted:

Presenting a longform story of True Love And Commitment, thanks to one OP:

You know that your bedroom is dead when... (self.DeadBedrooms)


Is he (46M) controlling, or am I (34F) just difficult?


Turned down again (self.DeadBedrooms)


Even when we DO get physical.... (self.DeadBedrooms)


End of the honeymoon phase, or end of the relationship? (self.relationships)


And the grand finale:

My boyfriend won't get a job

Haifisch posted:

Then he'll lay there, still very erect, and read online articles until it goes down.

quote:

Minor NSFW lower down. I'll try to make this as short as possible. Ages have been changed and throwaway has been used since my SO knows my reddit account.

My husband and I have been together almost 7 years, and married for 3. Basically, my husband broke my trust recently by inviting a girl over to our home when he knew that I would not be here. I was bad and snooped through his computer because I had a horrible gut feeling and this is not the first time that he has omitted information from me, though this is the first time it has been something along these lines. He claims he has no attraction to this girl whatsoever, and he was merely inviting her over to hang out because he wanted to be nice and watch a show together that they both like. I've already talked to trusted friends and family in my life and everyone is iffy on whether or not he actually had bad intentions, but the fact of the matter is that there was no evidence of such a thing in the messages between them and the girl declined his invitations politely. So nothing ever happened, and he claims he really made a stupid mistake.

This was a few weeks ago, and he has been busting his butt to prove himself to me. He's given me all of his logins, a list of things he will work on to make himself better, and admits that he just really apparently doesn't know what is and is not appropriate with other women and will never hurt me again. I do believe he is sincerely sorry and he agreed to go to counseling or to do whatever it took to make things work. My husband is kind, caring, understanding, and supportive. This is literally the biggest issue we've ever had because he's good to me.

In short, the problem I'm having is in the bedroom. I will spare the NSFW details, but I am having trouble getting "in the mood" with him ever since this happened. I don't know if it's because of the breach of trust, but I'm guessing it's definitely related. For people who have gone through a breach of trust, did this happen to you when you decided to work through your marriage? Did you get the passionate spark back? It's not that I don't find him attractive anymore; I love him very much and want to make this work and I trust him when he says he really didn't mean to make this mistake. Either way, I can achieve what I need to in the bedroom but it is definitely taking much longer and I am just having some trouble and I want to know if there's anything I can do to help myself. . .

With all respect intended, please don't suggest I leave my husband. Again, he has never cheated or flirted with other women, and this is the biggest thing we've run into. It's a big deal because this is not something we would ever be comfortable with in our relationship (now that we've firmly established this).

tl;dr: Husband of 3 years broke my trust, and now I can't seem to "get in the mood" in the bedroom without trouble. Any suggestions are appreciated.

Pick posted:

in today's "you're too old to be this stupid"


lol that men don't trust women but men lie 100000% more than women all the time every day because they are monstrous husks of bad egos combined with penis _{wub wub} insanity

Haifisch posted:

Presenting a longform story of True Love And Commitment, thanks to one OP:

You know that your bedroom is dead when... (self.DeadBedrooms)


Is he (46M) controlling, or am I (34F) just difficult?


Turned down again (self.DeadBedrooms)


Even when we DO get physical.... (self.DeadBedrooms)


End of the honeymoon phase, or end of the relationship? (self.relationships)


And the grand finale:

My boyfriend won't get a job

andrew smash posted:

The text is what you would expect from this
My [19F] boyfriend [21M] made me pee my pants in his car and is now making me pay to have it cleaned

maskenfreiheit posted:

no one "makes" you pee your pants, she chose not to say "pull over so I can the bathroom at this mcdonalds and call an uber, or I'm calling the police"

actions have consequences - she should dump her bf, but she still damaged his car and needs to pay the cleaning costs.

maskenfreiheit posted:

no one "makes" you pee your pants, she chose not to say "pull over so I can the bathroom at this mcdonalds and call an uber, or I'm calling the police"

actions have consequences - she should dump her bf, but she still damaged his car and needs to pay the cleaning costs.

Clark Nova posted:

A similar story was posted. This could be a completely different abusive rear end in a top hat.