shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

life is killing me posted:

How many medals did he get for leading his illustrious S1 platoon in loving up more awards and giving the awards to his paperwork bitches for not loving up routine pay inquiries?

What?

# ? Sep 11, 2017 23:34

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# ? May 10, 2024 03:47

life is killing me: Oct 28, 2007

Jerry Cotton posted:

What?

Nevermind

# ? Sep 12, 2017 00:04

Trebek: Mar 7, 2002; College Slice

Jerry Cotton posted:

What?

Answer the question!

# ? Sep 12, 2017 00:28

Trash Boat: Dec 28, 2012; VROOM VROOM

r/ProRevenge posted:

Due to the well of my friends' "def not an axe murderer" date recommendations drying up, I have turned to that most sacred of modern relationship institutions: online dating. As a very busy person trying to get it in with other very busy people, I prize honestly and directness above all else when it comes to profile creation. I include full body shots in my photos, try to minimize the use of MySpace angles in selfies, and write at the very top of the summary/caption/profile that I am fat. Not "curvy," not "thick," not "lots to love"--I'm loving fat. I'm not ashamed of it, but I also known that weight is a dealbreaker for lots of people. I don't want to waste anyone's time.

About a year ago I met "Evan" via Tinder. We exchanged friendly messages for a few hours one night and agreed to meet up for drinks the following evening. I waited for a full hour past the designated time, and just as I was getting up to leave, the texts started rolling in.

"I can see you sweating from here." "How long does it take you to roll out of bed every morning?" "Is there an earthquake or are you just getting up for more pretzels?"

Really idiotic, juvenile poo poo. Four separate numbers, commenting on things like my clothes, which clued me in that the senders were nearby. This went on for 15 minutes before I finally saw Evan, trying to hide in at a corner table and giggling with a group of buddies. I made eye contact, saw that he saw me, and then walked out. The texts kept up until I blocked the numbers a few hours later.

I ran into Evan about 3 weeks later. We got on the same elevator, and he tried really hard at being super interested in the emergency phone instructions. I just confronted him, and he admitted it was just some "game" that him and his friends play. He knew I was fat before agreeing to meet up; they all did, because that's what they do. Match up with fat women, then either ghost them or "troll" them at the meet-up. It was also kinda obvious he'd never seen any consequences from this bullshit, as he was sweating pretty hard and looked more humiliated than I felt. I just said whatever and walked out, expecting to never see him again.

About a month ago, some local foodie wrote a great review of the restaurant I own, and we've been slammed ever since. In the past, I stayed mostly in the kitchen, but I've been doing more and more front-of-house stuff lately, and Valentine's Day I was working a bit of a split between the two.

I saw Evan just as he was pushing in his date's chair. My name isn't on the restaurant, and he didn't see me. I checked the section up at the hostess stand and saw that one of my favorite old-timers, Nan, was going to be his waitress. I went to the bar till, took out $400, put it in her hands, and said, "This is going to be your only table for the rest of the night. You are going to make this the worst date he has ever been on."

She spilled every single thing she brought out to the table, all over him. I was waiting for him to blow up on Nan, but he bottled it up, obviously trying to make a good impression on his date. She seemed like a perfectly lovely lady; I told Nan to make sure everything was good for her and terrible for Evan.

She poured ice water on his dick. She smacked the back of his head with the edge of a tray. Spilled soup on his shirt. Dropped every fork he asked for. I personally oversalted his food, used the poo poo liquor for his drinks, used flour instead of sugar on his dessert. To be honest, I don't know why he didn't just walk out. He must have really wanted to gently caress this woman.

Finally, he cracked. Demanded Nan find the manager and bring her out. I was only too happy to emerge from the kitchen with my chef's coat and say what, I'm not ashamed to admit, I'd been planning out all night.

"I would have said hi earlier, but I didn't want the earthquake to disturb your dinner."

I will savor the look on Evan's face for the rest of my life.

He was a little too flummoxed to explain, so I pulled a chair up to the table and introduced myself to his date, Amanda. Told her how I met Evan. Showed her some fun old messages. Then I told gave her a voucher for a free meal on her next visit and told Evan to get the gently caress out and never come back.

He deleted his Tinder profile.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 00:55

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Trebek posted:

Answer the question!

Yes.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 01:29

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Jerry Cotton posted:

Yes.

Sorry, your answer must be in the form of a question.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 02:02

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Paladinus posted:

Sorry, your answer must be in the form of a question.

Yes?

# ? Sep 12, 2017 02:10

Comptroll The Forums: Apr 25, 2007; DON'T HURT MY FEE FEES!

Trash Boat posted:

That's a really slow play for a lovely bon mot. "Hey, remember one of the many things you said about my fat rear end a month ago? Didn't want to let that disturb you." :smug:

# ? Sep 12, 2017 02:20

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Unfortunately, Evan and Amanda actually met on Voat, and spent the rest of the evening bonding over the crazy fat girl who was such a jerk to them. They married and had many horrible babies and are still in love to this day!

# ? Sep 12, 2017 03:47

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

# ? Sep 12, 2017 05:53

your friend a dog: Nov 2, 2016; by Nyc_Tattoo

FUNsubstance.com!

# ? Sep 12, 2017 05:56

FeastForCows: Oct 18, 2011

"Trash Boat" posted:

[/ProRevenge bullshit]

I have never seen a story from that lovely sub pop up on the frontpage that seemed even remotely true. And people just lap that poo poo up.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 06:44

kimbo305: Jun 9, 2007; actually, yeah, I am a little mad

Trash Boat posted:

So she made the date pay for that meal? I need all the deets to be perfect dammit.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 07:29

Elysiume: Aug 13, 2009; Alone, she fights.

FeastForCows posted:

I have never seen a story from that lovely sub pop up on the frontpage that seemed even remotely true. And people just lap that poo poo up.

/r/ProRevenge is thinking up the perfect comeback three hours later and then telling ten thousand people that it totally happened.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 07:46

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Elysiume posted:

/r/ProRevenge is thinking up the perfect comeback three hours later and then telling ten thousand people that it totally happened.

SO you are saying it should be /r/L'espritD'escalier ?

# ? Sep 12, 2017 08:02

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

https://twitter.com/catblackfrazier/status/907488125445963779

'It was a hack!'

# ? Sep 12, 2017 08:04

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Elysiume posted:

/r/ProRevenge is thinking up the perfect comeback three hours later and then telling ten thousand people that it totally happened.

Except most of the time the comeback is also mediocre at best.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 08:30

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Fathis Munk posted:

Except most of the time the comeback is also mediocre at best.

Let's see how smug you are when I continue this conversation in my car with a dumber version of you.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 08:38

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Joke's on you buddy, there's now way I could be dumber than I already am :smug:

# ? Sep 12, 2017 08:59

MrUnderbridge: Jun 25, 2011

Tunicate posted:

Because there are definitely rfid chips on each can of Pringles...

# ? Sep 12, 2017 13:09

Walton Simons: May 16, 2010; ELECTRONIC OLD MEN RUNNING THE WORLD

Tunicate posted:

Told in the breathless tones of an over-excited seven year-old.

"...and they had to close the restaurant!"

# ? Sep 12, 2017 13:53

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

So when you guys finish reading some stdh do you hear "please like and subscribe" or is it just me?

# ? Sep 12, 2017 14:06

Sir Lemming: Jan 27, 2009; It's a piece of JUNK!

Trash Boat posted:

In my other life where I write movie screenplays, I've always wanted to do a thing where a character meaningfully repeats a line from the beginning of the movie and the other character doesn't get the significance, and they try to explain, and the other guy is like "dude why would I remember a random thing I said a month ago."

# ? Sep 12, 2017 15:09

King of Foolians: Mar 16, 2006; Long live the King!

Tunicate posted:

Wait, why did the cop give the mom money for the pringles? It was the mom's fault in the first place for letting a six-year-old eat something that hasn't been paid for and then not scanning it.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 16:28

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

King of Foolians posted:

Wait, why did the cop give the mom money for the pringles?

The cop was the kid. The mom was the store. OP was running away from himself the whole time, a child of capitalism but also the arm of fascism. It's very deep and nanomachines come into it somehow (hence the alarm).

# ? Sep 12, 2017 16:32

life is killing me: Oct 28, 2007

King of Foolians posted:

Wait, why did the cop give the mom money for the pringles? It was the mom's fault in the first place for letting a six-year-old eat something that hasn't been paid for and then not scanning it.

Because the cop was a good guy and 2 bucks wasn't that big a deal?

# ? Sep 12, 2017 17:30

Len: Jan 21, 2008; Pouches, bandages, shoulderpad, cyber-eye...

Bitchin'!

life is killing me posted:

Because the cop was a good guy and 2 bucks wasn't that big a deal?

I'm sorry the stdh.txt is that the kid didn't get gunned down by the cop

# ? Sep 12, 2017 18:22

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

Len posted:

I'm sorry the stdh.txt is that the kid didn't get gunned down by the cop

While we shouldn't just assume the kid is white, it doesn't specifically say he's a minority so it could really go either way.

Unless "pringles" is a covert identifier?

# ? Sep 12, 2017 18:50

life is killing me: Oct 28, 2007

Len posted:

I'm sorry the stdh.txt is that the kid didn't get gunned down by the cop

Me too, one day though I'll find that perfect stdh.txt that has it all

# ? Sep 12, 2017 19:49

Trebek: Mar 7, 2002; College Slice

# ? Sep 12, 2017 19:56

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Trebek posted:

Completely implausible; whoever wrote that is too fat to run out of anywhere.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 19:58

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Trebek posted:

It took me a couple reads to figure out what was even supposed to be happening there.

In retrospect I shouldn't have read it the first time.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 20:04

gschmidl: Sep 3, 2011; watch with knife hands

Jerry Cotton posted:

Completely implausible; whoever wrote that is too fat to run out of anywhere.

tumblrd out.

Haifisch posted:

It took me a couple reads to figure out what was even supposed to be happening there.

In retrospect I shouldn't have read it the first time.

same.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 20:04

Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

Fathis Munk posted:

Joke's on you buddy, there's now way I could be dumber than I already am

*no

# ? Sep 12, 2017 20:43

Comptroll The Forums: Apr 25, 2007; DON'T HURT MY FEE FEES!

Trebek posted:

Wait... why do you need papers signed by a doctor to say that you're allergic to your own carpet? No treatment thanks, just a note will do.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 21:42

life is killing me: Oct 28, 2007

Comptroll The Forums posted:

Wait... why do you need papers signed by a doctor to say that you're allergic to your own carpet? No treatment thanks, just a note will do.

Why? Well, when you're going to write an especially unbelievable stdh (even by stdh standards) that also puts forth your dumb opinions and lack of any knowledge whatsoever about vaccines

# ? Sep 12, 2017 21:53

CannonFodder: Jan 26, 2001; Passion’s Wrench

Comptroll The Forums posted:

Wait... why do you need papers signed by a doctor to say that you're allergic to your own carpet? No treatment thanks, just a note will do.

My guess is to get health insurance to pay for removing the carpet.

Just a guess, because with STDH anything goes.

# ? Sep 12, 2017 22:48

AlbieQuirky: Oct 9, 2012; Just me and my 🌊dragon🐉 hanging out

Comptroll The Forums posted:

Wait... why do you need papers signed by a doctor to say that you're allergic to your own carpet? No treatment thanks, just a note will do.

Breaking a lease on a rental?

# ? Sep 13, 2017 02:25

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

Comptroll The Forums posted:

Wait... why do you need papers signed by a doctor to say that you're allergic to your own carpet? No treatment thanks, just a note will do.

Her kid is covered all over in tiny red spots and keeps coughing, what else could explain an unvaccinated kid being so sick?

# ? Sep 13, 2017 07:36

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# ? May 10, 2024 03:47

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Oh noooo, human DNA!!! What could possibly happen if you inject human DNA into a human?!

Avenging_Mikon posted:

*no

I rest my case :v:

# ? Sep 13, 2017 08:27

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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