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echinopsis posted:i actually feel really good today ergo : sayonara depression Depression is easy to beat. Good job doing it so quickly. Jfc
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Oct 2, 2017 22:53
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echinopsis posted:mate there are some horrible assumptions in here. i know what it's like to feel low self esteem and worth and feel lovely about things - believe me - but i never ever felt bad about my wife loving another dude. i mean, there was a slight point of contention between us that i appeared to have no jealously. and i know what that jealousy feels like, because i have felt it when my long term fwb would tell me about the other dudes she slept with. i think there was a factor that i so believed that my wife would never leave me for another guy that i just had no sense of risk, the other factor being that maybe i just didn't care what she did. Haha you're so clueless. Good poo poo. "There were no problems in our marriage, I just didn't care what she did."
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Oct 2, 2017 23:44
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Burt Sexual posted:Depression is easy to beat. Good job doing it so quickly. Jfc i bet the tuesday morning version so am progress [quote="“cda”" post="“476993765”"] Haha you’re so clueless. Good poo poo. “There were no problems in our marriage, I just didn’t care what she did.” [/quote] idk, is the answer "you shoulda been more jealous"? i mean i cared, it just didn't bother me. some of y'all think there is this one weird "healthy" level of jealousy a person should have?
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Oct 3, 2017 01:33
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echinopsis posted:idk, is the answer "you shoulda been more jealous"? i mean i cared, it just didn't bother me. some of y'all think there is this one weird "healthy" level of jealousy a person should have? Your version of the story makes it such an inexplicable thing, that's why we're baffled. People get that crushes happen, no one thinks your wife is a monster because she was attracted to another man. And it's great that your response wasn't to guilt trip her. What I don't understand is WHY DID YOU TELL HER TO gently caress HIM? As I said before, you could've laughed off the crush, told her that you trust and love her, and left it at that. WHY DID YOU TELL HER SHE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH HER COWORKER? Crushes just happen; deciding to open a marriage does not. It makes no sense. At least, your version of the story doesn't. You make it sound like there was nothing to precipitate the decision to open the marriage, except your wife's attraction to another man. She never ignored you? Never spent extra time at work, never talked about him a lot at home, never called or e-mailed him excessively, wasn't spacing out and daydreaming about being with him when she was with you? Nothing she did or say before that conversation indicated she liked that guy as more than a friend? WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT CONVERSATION? Did she tell you she felt neglected? Did she say she thought you guys missed out by not having casual sex with other people when you were younger? Did she ask to indulge in her crush? Why did you suggest she have sex with another man? Did YOU feel like you missed out by not having casual sex with other people when you were younger? Did YOU have a crush you wanted to indulge, too? This is why people are calling you lazy and accusing you of not caring about your wife. poo poo, I've never done worse than kiss another man, and my boyfriend at the time knew something was up before I confessed. He handled it well--he actually laughed because I was being so obvious--but there were a few moments after that when his confidence in me was shaky. This is why we're all asking if there's something clinically wrong with you: being upset, or at least not amused, when your significant other admits an attraction to another person is normal. It's not about possessiveness or jealousy, it's about things like expectations, trust, communication, and giving a poo poo if your SO feels lonely or resentful. Has your marriage counselor talked to you about journaling? It sounds kind of frou-frou and pointless, but it is really helpful. Articulating your thoughts and recounting events gives clarity and helps you understand what happened, and your role in the events. You're so intellectually and emotionally lazy and dishonest, though, that you refuse to give your own marriage more than a cursory thought. Which is ALSO why we're telling you not to commit to getting a divorce--YOU ARE NOT THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL. Edit: used the word "inexplicable" twice. Bobbie Wickham fucked around with this message at 03:30 on Oct 3, 2017 |
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Oct 3, 2017 02:10
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This doesn’t seem to be an open relationship safe space all?
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Oct 3, 2017 02:50
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Were you her first? Or vice versa? The whole not living together before marriage thing makes me think you guys are a bit stunted.
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Oct 3, 2017 03:06
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patonthebach posted:Were you her first? Or vice versa? He has confirmed that they married young due to religious reasons. echinopsis posted:i'm coming close to that decision because it's becoming harder and harder to see how we can reconcile it with her and i staying happy I know that your kids are a priority. I was trying to ask if you've put a lot of thought into how you'll be able to put them first. Shared custody is a great start. I hope that you both can come together as parents over some books or articles on how to both be there for the kids in ways that the kids will value and understand. I'm not asking you to prove your parenting plans in public - I don't have to hear it and it's private - I just wanted to make sure that coming up with achievable plans (I'm thinking of the "SMART" planning acronym) for the kids is on your agenda. you're going through a hard time right now and I respect that. but everything you do right now matters in becoming the person who you want to be. serious moments like this are majorly formative of your character no matter how old you are! that's why people are being so hard on you, they realize how pivotal this time can be - but you probably recognize that by now, too. I hope that you do the things that your ideal version of yourself would do in this situation - you're the only person who can make you into him.
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Oct 3, 2017 03:34
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be good and try hard! 
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echinopsis posted:idk, is the answer "you shoulda been more jealous"? i mean i cared, it just didn't bother me. some of y'all think there is this one weird "healthy" level of jealousy a person should have? In a word: yes. Jealousy is a complicated emotion. It's not one of the pure base emotions (like fear, anger, disgust, surprise, joy) -- it's a swirl of different things, envy and spite and fear and greed and longing and even love, and people both see and express different facets of it depending on their own emotional state. People commonly confuse jealousy with envy, for instance. Envy is wanting to have a thing that someone else has. Living in San Francisco and having to use the laundromat, I envy my friend's washing machine. But I would be happy for he and I and everyone else to have washing machines -- there's no shortage, and I don't lose anything by his having one. Jealousy is wanting to have something all to yourself, excluding all others. The classic example of jealousy is the older child when the new baby is born. They become jealous of the attention the baby receives, wanting to keep it all for themselves. Jealousy can grow because a resource is limited, or because exclusivity makes the owner/controller of a resource special in some way, or simply out of spite. This is why when you tell your wife that you don't feel even an ounce of jealousy about her dating/sleeping with other men, she might think something like the following: 1/ "He's not spiteful, and he doesn't seek to control me or use me as a trophy, etc. That's good!" 2/ "He doesn't consider what I give to our relationship (time, energy, attention, love*) to be a precious, limited resource. He doesn't care if I give it to someone else, and/or he thinks he can get it from someone else too. That's bad." 3/ "My exclusive relationship with him doesn't make him feel special, either personally or in comparison to other men. He doesn't value me, or being the only person I've chosen to spend my life with. That's really bad." Obviously if someone is jealous to the point of being controlling or abusive, that is a problem. But some small measure of jealousy in a relationship is entirely normal, because it's really just saying "you are special to me, I value you, I value our relationship, I know you made a choice to be here and do this with me, instead of someone else, and I don't want you to choose another way." e: *it may be crass to define love as a "resource" but I think most people recognize that very, very few people, if any, can successfully have multiple lovers and make them all feel equally loved Sagebrush fucked around with this message at 07:03 on Oct 3, 2017 |
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Oct 3, 2017 05:54
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Bobbie Wickham posted:Your version of the story makes it such an inexplicable thing, that's why we're baffled. People get that crushes happen, no one thinks your wife is a monster because she was attracted to another man. And it's great that your response wasn't to guilt trip her. What I don't understand is WHY DID YOU TELL HER TO gently caress HIM? As I said before, you could've laughed off the crush, told her that you trust and love her, and left it at that. WHY DID YOU TELL HER SHE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH HER COWORKER? Crushes just happen; deciding to open a marriage does not. It makes no sense. At least, your version of the story doesn't. You make it sound like there was nothing to precipitate the decision to open the marriage, except your wife's attraction to another man. She never ignored you? Never spent extra time at work, never talked about him a lot at home, never called or e-mailed him excessively, wasn't spacing out and daydreaming about being with him when she was with you? Nothing she did or say before that conversation indicated she liked that guy as more than a friend? idk from one perspective maybe we really enjoyed the naughty side of it, and we're both inherently dirty people who love sex, and so, I didn't care or mind if she slept with another dude, and she came back to me so horny and alive feeling, and it was like, this sounds like fun. at that point I guess the possibilities starting coming to me. perhaps you don't believe me but none of this was planned. as the idea naturally arose, because she mentioned a crush, the interest arose. we had a few lessons early on as to what definitely didn't work as far as creating situations that weren't uncomfortable. but for example, we both met and slept with a younger woman who came back to our place. we met like a month + prior on tinder but then we chatted and she egreed to meet me and my wife. we had a meal, drinks, hot as gently caress threesome that was as first for all of us, and ended the night nicely. .. now is that a cRaZy idea? this was just a fun extension of it. she got to have fun and so did I. I didn't really feel jealous, because surely you can accept that people do have different ideas on the sanctity of sex. I am fully from the not slut shaming club. thre might have been things that I would have felt jealous of or uncomfortable with, but sex wasn't one of them. also don't tell me im not thinking about anything at all. what the gently caress do you think is on my mind almost every moment of the day when I don't have to think about anything else important. I have to make the decision of a life time. I have to try so god drat hard to look from all perspectives right now about what's making me happy, what's making her happy, what would reconciling mean to me, mean to her, mean to the kids. mean to all my relationships, and the same from the perspective of splitting. jesus christ. and this thread takes a lot of emotional effort to respond to at times. Hug in a Can posted:He has confirmed that they married young due to religious reasons. thankyou for being the only poster I've come across that hasn't come across as a bad cop kinda dick about the whole thing. I appreciate it and the good advice
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Oct 3, 2017 09:18
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i think it's pretty loving weird that you got jealous when one of your side jaunts would gently caress other men but you didn't feel anything similar when your wife did it. You're a bizarre dude and it's amusing how everyone but you saw this coming a mile away. Godspeed, mate.
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Oct 3, 2017 09:36
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I don't want to assume other people's motives, but my guess would be that people are being "bad cop kinda dick(s)" about this because they're trying to shake you out of your pattern of flippant shitposting about your life and actually get you to post seriously about it, and I'm pretty glad it's working. The dumb jokes about prostituting yourself for video cards &c. really aren't helping anyone, especially not yourself, and I think it points to an unhealthy distancing from the reality of what's going on and your part in it. The impression I get from your posts is that you regard most of what's happened here, from the initial conversation with your wife about her crush to the separation, as stuff that just kind of happened to you -- stuff you didn't really have any part in, or where you just did the common-sense thing that anyone in your position would have done. This is a pretty common and understandable coping mechanism, especially from someone on the passive end of a relationship breakup (look at how many breakup stories start with "I was happy, everything was fine, and then s/he just dropped it on me!"), but IMHO it's not really a healthy one, because it limits your ability to look at your choices and grow, and it seems obvious from your posts that you need to work on yourself to live happily no matter what happens in your marriage. At every step, you made choices; I'm not necessarily saying your choices were wrong, but they were active choices, not just going with the flow of a situation or doing what anyone in your place would do. Most people, however sex-positive or anti-slut-shamey, would not casually encourage their partner in a previously-closed relationship to sleep with their work crush. That's a choice you made. I'm not going to say it was the right or wrong choice, but you have to acknowledge that it was a choice -- as was how the open relationship proceeded afterwards, how you handled counseling, and how you handle yourself now in the separation period. I'm going to go against the crowd slightly and say that it's fine if you decide your marriage needs to end; if you legitimately believe you'll be happier outside of it, that's a reasonable decision. The thing there, though, is that you have to own that decision: acknowledge it's a choice you're making, not just a product of what your wife wants. You seem to be kind of grasping at straws for ways to paint your wife as a villain here (she was a little short with you when you asked her a question! You've done more child care than her over the course of the marriage!), and while it sounds like she definitely has her faults, blaming her for everything and yourself for nothing is a way to poison things long-term with a woman with whom you're going to have to co-parent for the rest of your life. I know it's hard -- this is someone you love, with whom you thought things were great until they suddenly weren't -- and that it's easy to build resentment to make it hurt less, but it's not going to be healthy in the long term. Both of you need to be happy, but you also have to be a team for your kids' sake, which means you can't let resentments fester. The other thing I'm really concerned about is whether you're taking your mental health and substance-abuse issues seriously going forward, particularly if your marriage ends and you start living alone. I know the concept of adult single life holds a lot of charms, but you really sound like you're almost looking forward to slipping into poor self-care habits, while you really need to focus on keeping yourself healthy and on an even keel. Even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.
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Oct 3, 2017 10:19
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echinopsis posted:idk from one perspective maybe we really enjoyed the naughty side of it, and we're both inherently dirty people who love sex, and so, I didn't care or mind if she slept with another dude, and she came back to me so horny and alive feeling, and it was like, this sounds like fun. at that point I guess the possibilities starting coming to me. perhaps you don't believe me but none of this was planned. as the idea naturally arose, because she mentioned a crush, the interest arose. we had a few lessons early on as to what definitely didn't work as far as creating situations that weren't uncomfortable. but for example, we both met and slept with a younger woman who came back to our place. we met like a month + prior on tinder but then we chatted and she egreed to meet me and my wife. we had a meal, drinks, hot as gently caress threesome that was as first for all of us, and ended the night nicely. .. now is that a cRaZy idea? this was just a fun extension of it. she got to have fun and so did I. I didn't really feel jealous, because surely you can accept that people do have different ideas on the sanctity of sex. I am fully from the not slut shaming club. thre might have been things that I would have felt jealous of or uncomfortable with, but sex wasn't one of them. This is what I'm talking about. You know why you decided to encourage her before she came back to you all horny and excited. From your telling, the entire conversation consisted of: -I have a crush on my coworker. -How unexpected, I had no idea. You should gently caress him! We can talk about the consequences and implications later. Have fun! ~the end~ I'm maybe being unfair, but I don't think that your brooding over what happened is the same as actually thinking about it. Like, thinking over why you were more jealous about your gently caress friend's other guys, but not your wife's. Or whether you guys could have found another, sex-positive way to indulge yourselves before adding other people into the mix. Or if there WERE problems that you didn't see at the time. And quit accusing us of slut-shaming, that's not the issue. We're not aghast that you and your wife had sex with other people, we're appalled at you.
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Oct 3, 2017 13:18
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It's not about jealousy. It's about common sense: if it ain't broke, don't fix it, especially when there are kids involved. If it's broke, fix it, especially when there are kids involved. Neither one of those options is: open up our marriage, because why the heck not. Because there are kids involved.
cda fucked around with this message at 14:01 on Oct 3, 2017 |
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Oct 3, 2017 13:59
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a long sad sigh as i cross out "wife" from professions that like to deepthroat
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Oct 3, 2017 17:13
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Control Volume posted:a long sad sigh as i cross out "wife" from professions that like to deepthroat
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Oct 3, 2017 17:50
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why does everyone assume my wife isn't into deepthroating jesus this thread. people just make poo poo up. I love to come here anyway what's to say. I think my wife is probably going to decide she doesn't want to be with me. I probably will too. It's like I can see we both know it's for the best. or not
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Oct 6, 2017 09:43
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I, personally, am shocked and amazed that your wife might determine that continuing to pour emotional investment into a relationship with a guy who only exerts effort to defend his Tinder hookups from accusations of being "randos" and to clarify his wife's deepthroating preferences, while answering a question in couples therapy about suicide attempts with "I'm a pharmacist, if I kill myself it'll work and you'll ~never know~," is maybe not a good or productive use of her time and energy
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Oct 6, 2017 10:02
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I should become a dentist, because getting you to be accountable to the lowest-effort commitment in your life is harder than pulling teeth. I'm still curious about the conversation that led to the open marriage. Walk me through this: it's before you opened the marriage. Your wife has not acted in any way that makes you think she has a thing for another man. Everything is normal, and then she confesses she has a crush on her coworker. And then you think, what?
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Oct 6, 2017 16:07
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Bobbie Wickham posted:I should become a dentist, because getting you to be accountable to the lowest-effort commitment in your life is harder than pulling teeth. I don't really know what to add. It was over two years ago now so my memory had faded. Before the crush topic came up we had never talked about an open marriage. We had talked about the reality that we are humans and we will feel attracted to other people, and had talked a number of times about how it might be fun to have a threesome, but never as far as looking for one. And so when we said "Ive got something to admit, I have a crush on a guy at work", and I can't remember anything other than saying "pursue it". She was expecting the situation to be me saying "um ok, thanks for telling me", and if I had said that she wouldn't have pursued it. And then we had a house warming. We were both drunk as hell and she asks if she can go back to this dudes house and I was like "yeah go for it", I didn't care I was having a fun time. And then in the morning we were like "does this mean we're in an open relationship?" and then started learning a few things about it. I'm not making this up, it wasn't "planned" and not one of us presented the idea to the other, it just emerged from my lack of caring about what she was into. Lol my first "excursion" into the open relationship was with a girl in a different city from twitter. Never met her. Just talked a lot, it was like she was a long term gf. That ended badly lol. That was when we learned it's gotta be about sex mostly and not about finding a second girlfriend, realising that open marriage is NOT polyamoury and that we weren't into doing poly. Just sex hehehehe  I just wasn't bothered. And I thought maybe she'd have fun. It didn't occur til later than it would have benefits for me. Maybe I am an idiot for not considering other alterntaives or whatever. But I'm not making poo poo up when I say it just didn't bother me. Only ONCE in the entire time did I have a feeling of jealousy about her and another guy. It was a once off acute feeling that didn't last long. BECAUSE the entire time I never had any doubt whatsoever she would always come back to me. I had 100% faith in her commitment to me so jealousy would have been a wasted feeling that would have negatively affected her freedom to do whatever she wants. Imagine wanting to do something and someone else tells you you can't because it might make them feel bad, even though it's not to do with them. I don't want to be that person. Like first dates are fun. It's exciting and the first time you have sex with someone is cool as. We wanted to give each other the freedom to experience that. It really didn't seem unusual. Other people were shocked and the biggest lesson I learnt is that you don't tell people in real life about it.
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Oct 6, 2017 21:28
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echinopsis posted:I don't really know what to add. It was over two years ago now so my memory had faded. Before the crush topic came up we had never talked about an open marriage. We had talked about the reality that we are humans and we will feel attracted to other people, and had talked a number of times about how it might be fun to have a threesome, but never as far as looking for one. you let you wife gently caress some dude then absconded to gently caress random ladies you rated by deepthroat ability
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Oct 7, 2017 03:57
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you have 2 children
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Oct 7, 2017 04:04
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if you're not lying about that even
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Oct 7, 2017 04:04
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Bobbie Wickham posted:I should become a dentist, because getting you to be accountable to the lowest-effort commitment in your life is harder than pulling teeth. You're using the word "think" an awful lot. That's a big ask in this case.
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Oct 7, 2017 04:12
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echinopsis posted:I never had any doubt whatsoever she would always come back to me. Have you reconsidered that confidence now that she's, y'know, not coming back to you?
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Oct 7, 2017 16:02
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"I was ok with her loving other dudes because I knew that our relationship would stay strong," says man about to get divorced by his wife.
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Oct 7, 2017 16:03
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So, is this the thread to ask poly open relationship questions? I'm married. My wife and I have dabbled in poly stuff years ago, but never found anything that ended up working due to other people being kinda terrible. Since then, we've been like "well keep it open, not discount the possibility in the future, but not actively pursue anything." Since I'm all introverted, and happy/contented with my marriage, it was something I didn't really think about. The other night, I got to meet an Internet friend irl for the first time. We hit it off really well in person, and as drinks were had, things heated up a little bit. We didn't get intimate, but....I don't know whether it was the alcohol or something more. I'm.....relationships are tiring. I love the place my relationships are with both my wife and my friend, and I don't want to do anything to wreck stuff. I have had a crush on this friend, tho, so....there is something going on there, afaict. I might just be a.socially stunted goon, tho. Ugh, what should I dooooo?!?!
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Oct 7, 2017 20:44
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Thalantos posted:So, is this the thread to ask poly open relationship questions? It's Bobbie Wickham's call if this becomes a general poly thread, but my advice is not to do a drat thing with this friend unless it becomes clear there's some kind of extended interest in sober circumstances, and even then proceed with caution and talk to your wife at every opportunity. Do not make decisions based on a crush and a drunken night.
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Oct 7, 2017 23:14
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Bump.
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Oct 8, 2017 01:18
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Oops, sorry for disrupting the thread. That's definitely good advice! Honestly, tho, I think I'm not gonna look into taking things any further.
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Oct 8, 2017 01:26
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Imagine reading this thread and thinking "maybe I should fool around outside my relationship"
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Oct 8, 2017 14:30
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Thalantos posted:Oops, sorry for disrupting the thread. Congratulations on dodging a bullet.
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Oct 8, 2017 15:11
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fun hater posted:op is bad at storytelling and the stories hes trying to share are somehow not very interesting. how op developed a dedicated sycophant squad regardless is a mystery. op please have more interesting life experience to share thanks op for taking my advice to heart!
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Oct 11, 2017 21:16
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bobbie idk what to say. poo poo is poo poo. but thankfully brain isn't as hosed. kids are happy, talking to them about it. they're not too fazed whatsoever tbh. life is going to be ok. not in poverty, things are moving forward. idk what you want me to say or do.
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Oct 12, 2017 08:30
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echinopsis posted:kids are happy, talking to them about it. they're not too fazed whatsoever tbh. Because they've been expecting it for a while. 
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Oct 12, 2017 13:49
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Just want to say that it's finally possible to imagine that the op was in an open marriage.
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Oct 28, 2017 03:04
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I don't think things were bad between us, we were very secure comfortable, and we were driving down the motorway and conspired to think it would be fun to both open our doors and dive out at high speed. there is no deeper meaning I don't believe. it's like the trust between us was too strong. we allowed too much. anyway now.. sister and laws wedding on friday in wanaka  but was asked not to go. tbh I was dreading it so I don't have a large sense of loss for myself but my sis-in-law is a gentle conservatve person and I feel guilty and poo poo about how it''s gonna be explaining how I didn't travel with my family to the wedding. regardless I have days and days off work with no kids etc. I wanna make the most of it. today is the ignore responsibilties and drink day. hallelujua. actually its halloween today.. gently caress lol
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Oct 31, 2017 07:03
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Why do all of your posts sound like they were written by HS Thompson's much less talented nephew?
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Oct 31, 2017 07:22
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"Ignore responsibilities and drink day" seems like the last kind of day you need right now
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Oct 31, 2017 07:28
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A true E/N Failure story
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Oct 31, 2017 07:34
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please get help echi 
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Oct 31, 2017 08:33
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