Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I can almost see the torn apart rails on the horizon, but I'm just too excited to see this train tumble off in a fiery inferno to try and apply the breaks.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 01:38

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# ? May 10, 2024 00:41

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Gynovore posted:

I actually looked this up, and it turns out that first cousins can get married in abut half the states.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin_marriage_law_in_the_United_States_by_state

This was in Denton County, TX.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 01:50

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

This whole thing is why Shelbyville was founded.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 02:58

A ILL BREAKFAST: Jun 9, 2007; *unsheathes katana*

I tell you I won't live in a town that deprives men of the RIGHT to marry their cousins.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 03:30

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

What about if you are your own grandpa?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWJAbl_lV5A

# ? Oct 4, 2017 04:04

marathon Stairmaster sesh: Apr 28, 2009; ALL HAIL CEO NUGGET
1988-PRESENT

limp_cheese posted:

What about if you are your own grandpa?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWJAbl_lV5A

Someone's time traveling decendent right now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoXkrB5VHEU

# ? Oct 4, 2017 04:20

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

limp_cheese posted:

What about if you are your own grandpa?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWJAbl_lV5A

This is the first time maybe ever that somebody posted a vaguely-described youtube link on these forums and I both a) knew FOR SURE exactly what it was going to be and b) was really happy to be right.

Thank-you is what I'm saying.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 08:02

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

lemon-lyme disease posted:

This is the first time maybe ever that somebody posted a vaguely-described youtube link on these forums and I both a) knew FOR SURE exactly what it was going to be and b) was really happy to be right.

I expected it to be Futurama.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 08:26

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

Gynovore posted:

I expected it to be Futurama.

But you were wrong. You were wrong and I was happy.

OH LIMP_CHEESE, YOU ARE NATURE'S GREATEST WONDER.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 08:33

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

i drink me own pee

# ? Oct 4, 2017 08:46

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

You guys know you can trip an option in your control panel that'll set Youtube videos to be displayed as thumbnails rather than text links, right? I swear by it. Haven't been surprised by a Youtube link ITF in years.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 12:30

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

loquacius posted:

You guys know you can trip an option in your control panel that'll set Youtube videos to be displayed as thumbnails rather than text links, right? I swear by it. Haven't been surprised by a Youtube link ITF in years.

The gurf ward

# ? Oct 4, 2017 13:09

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Turning off sigs and turning on youtube thumbnails used to be the only way to navigate these forums. I haven't had sigs on for like 12 years.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 13:18

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

LoL we have Sigs?

# ? Oct 4, 2017 13:26

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I always have avs+sigs off so I can shitpost at work without making it obvious I'm doing something not work related when people look over my shoulder.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 13:30

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Then you sir are missing my cool future car avatar.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 13:55

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Solice Kirsk posted:

Then you sir are missing my cool future car avatar.

Yeah but at least I don't have to see my own terrible one someone got me.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 13:58

Captain Yossarian: Feb 24, 2011; All new" Rings of Fire"

yeah I eat rear end posted:

Yeah but at least I don't have to see my own terrible one someone got me.

Your AV is boobs though

# ? Oct 4, 2017 14:30

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

This reads like a draft of a short story but I enjoyed reading it anyway

quote:

For years I worked for an sheikh. Specifically, I worked in a discreet group whose job was to obtain pleasure and entertainment for the sheikh or anyone in his family. I got this gig after I befriended a graduate school classmate who we spent countless hours playing video games together. Turns out he was this oil sheikh's nephew who put in a good word for me. The pay was sweet: $25,000 a month. I had access to a line of credit that was at a major bank and I could withdraw limitless amounts at the sheikh's behest. I also had access to one of the sheikh's private planes. I felt like a kid at a candy store but it was with the understanding that I could just as easily disappear if I get on his bad side.

The stereotypes were true. Most of my job involved procuring high class prostitutes or talking to women who fit his physical criteria to fly on a private jet to one of his many residences, often times in Great Britain or Switzerland. The going rate was $50,000 for a week. If she could bring a friend who whet his appetite, she would get an additional $25,000 as a finder's fee. It rarely took any convincing to go on the trip. Before she would fly, a colleague who was a Yale Law School educated lawyer made her sign ironclad NDAs. These women were more than willing to oblige since it was a huge sum but they didn't want their friends and family to know that they flew halfway around the world to have sex with a stranger. I also procured drugs for the oil sheikh's seemingly limitless sons, daughters, nephews, nieces, etc. It was hard to keep all the names together. It was a given that no records were to be established so I had to do all this poo poo from memory.

I lost connections with friends and family as I spent my days flying around the United States and Western Europe procuring drugs and sex for a billionaire family. It felt like a dream job. I got along great with everyone and it felt like it was too good to be true.

I never actually got to meet the sheikh himself, I always worked through one of his right hand men. Well, one day that man was found to be pilfering the funds and disappeared. Taking his place was a relative of the sheikh who was an alcoholic fuckup. There was always a balance that was maintained: we did blatantly illegal poo poo but we never got arrested because with the former right hand man, he was discreet enough to not embarrass either the sheikh, his country, or the country we were staying at. It was a wink and a nod as long as we kept quiet. The relative didn't know or didn't care. He got sloppy one night and crashed a Bentley in London. The team of handlers and myself had to fly from all over the world to try to clean this up. It proved challenging to avoid having it reported by the press but we pulled it off. Another time he got arrested in Germany for possessing cocaine on his person. I was ready to quit but how do I quit? Do I not show up? I got along with the handlers but it wasn't like we were best friends. I didn't want to end up dead in an "accident" either. I started drinking to deal with the stress.

It went from bad to worse. I got yet another late night call, this time one of the nephews and his friends brutally gangraped a college girl. The nephew, who was deep into a prescription pill addiction that I helped facilitate, seemed unrepentant. He just wanted the "whore" (his words) thrown away so he and his friends can keep partying and keep popping pills. I felt dizzy and out of place. I almost passed out from what I saw when I went to the apartment. I called the lawyer who apparently knew of a "clean up crew" who arrived a couple hours later. It was the most surreal event that I ever witnessed. I almost had a mental breakdown then and there. I didn't know what I expected and why I really earned that $25,000. Once the cleanup crew was out, I never heard a word about it since. No news articles, nothing on TV, this girl just disappeared. A few days later I got word through the sheikh's fuckup relative that I was getting a raise from $25k a month to $35k. I accepted like the dumbass I was.

I didn't know that this raise meant that the good old days of procuring high end call girls was over and now I was in the tier of cleaning up after the sheikh's family. The same family who we were all on good terms on with getting drugs, I was now cleaning up after their legal messes. It was mostly property damage and getting out of DUIs. Occasionally it escalated to assault. The entire purpose was to have the sheikh's family not only skate charges but to make sure the media never reported on it. I developed quite a network of "fixers" who I would subcontract. I also had teams of private investigators digging up dirt on reporters and media outlets ready to dish out blackmail if needed. Again, I had to make sure there was never hard evidence so this all had to be either encoded or all in my memory.

This job came to an end when the oil sheikh's fuckup relative pissed the sheikh off one too many times and rather than replace him with someone else, decided to scrap the whole group entirely, preferring to work with someone who was involved in the sheikh's native country's government. I received a million dollars in severance and never heard from them again.

Sometimes I have nightmares of the crimes I cleaned up over the years. It turned me into a cynical husk. This billionaire family did whatever they wanted and everyone, including me, went along with it. I lost all respect I had for news outlets who sometimes were perfectly willing to scrap a story if we made a donation to a charitable foundation. I also hate that the oil industry is so obscene with its profits that it helped to cover up anything from a DUI to rape to murder. I've become a huge green advocate for this reason. These people don't deserve to do whatever they want: they deserve to rot in a jail somewhere. I made a few million dollars overall from the whole thing so it isn't like I'm blameless. I'm using the money I amassed for green businesses, human trafficking related charities, and greater transparency in the media. I know I won't be able to fix all those problems but it's a start.

The concept is okay but it's hard to get a feel for the characters without any dialogue

quote:

when i was about 13, i started getting interesting in girls bodies but i wanted to see girls my age. not knowing the logistics of how it was made, i actively searched out pictures of 13 year olds. one person on Aol sent me a picture of a young girl having a dildo used by her on an adult female. the sadness/hurt on the girls face has scarred me to this day and sometimes i cant help but thinking of just how tortured this girl looks.

shits hosed yo.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 15:09

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Solice Kirsk posted:

Turning off sigs and turning on youtube thumbnails used to be the only way to navigate these forums. I haven't had sigs on for like 12 years.

wow rude

# ? Oct 4, 2017 15:33

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Sigs on SA must be as large and obnoxious as possible or don't bother

# ? Oct 4, 2017 15:42

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

I believe the Sheik one, only because I listened to a story on The Moth's podcast about a girl who flew in and was basically a high-class hooker for these guys. They have limitless money and can buy anything they want - even their way out of trouble. They are some of the most disgusting people in the world - claiming religious high ground while flagrantly doing whatever they feel like.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 16:01

Stickfigure: Sep 4, 2011; by Nyc_Tattoo

I like how the confessor is an accomplice in at least one gang rape and countless other crimes but is squeamish about calling someone a whore. Also lol at going green to atone for his sins.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 16:31

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Makes me think that plot would have been better than what we got in Tyrant. That show sucked, but seeing the dictator's wife in those dresses made up for a lot of it.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 18:34

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

Nocheez posted:

I believe the Sheik one, only because I listened to a story on The Moth's podcast about a girl who flew in and was basically a high-class hooker for these guys. They have limitless money and can buy anything they want - even their way out of trouble. They are some of the most disgusting people in the world - claiming religious high ground while flagrantly doing whatever they feel like.

I heard that one a long while ago. I recall that it was well-told and, therefore, kind of upsetting? but I may be exaggerating the details in my head.

I did know a guy back in college that may or may not have had some part in that whole world though. He was quite a bit older (30ish) and married to an Indian lady. He claimed her parents were insanely wealthy - either magnates or royalty of some kind. Told me stories about their trips overseas to visit, talked about the perks of having married hyper-rich, etc. I'd say he was completely bullshitting me except once I actually went to his house and met her/saw all of his incredibly expensive poo poo firsthand. It was odd.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 18:47

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

Dirty Laundry posted:

I lost all respect I had for news outlets who sometimes were perfectly willing to scrap a story if we made a donation to a charitable foundation.

It was believable up until this point. If I'm a TV news exec with no conscience, what do I care about a donation to charity? Slip $10,000 in my pocket or buy $250K worth of advertising.

# ? Oct 5, 2017 00:17

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

Lots of these creative writings in this thread fail because people come off with strange motivation tangents that make no sense if you apply them to real people. Read less comic books IMHO.

That being said, I have no doubt that such things happen,

# ? Oct 5, 2017 00:46

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

They happen at levels waaaaaaay further down the economic ladder than trillionaire oil sheikh too.

# ? Oct 5, 2017 03:54

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Where do I apply for the job "Sheikh"?

# ? Oct 5, 2017 13:29

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I think it's a Canadian firm.

# ? Oct 5, 2017 13:32

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Hello thread, I told this story in one of the previous megathreads but since it's today's topic I'm sending it in again. That topic is cousin dating BTW.

My immediate family in New England is connected through my father and paternal grandmother to a really large conservative family that we don't spend much time interacting with. I've never met and couldn't name most of them. Anyway in my second year at high school I did a group project with a girl and we really hit it off and started dating. Like going on day hikes on weekends, movie nights, holding hands on park benches kinds of stuff. No sex or even kissing type stuff. Junior year we end up in the same history class and of course we are doing flirty things in class when the teacher calls us both into her office after school and starts questioning us about our relationship, which we both describe to her as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Turns out my girlfriend is my cousin. Our grandmothers were sisters. Our history teacher's father was my GF's grandmother's brother. Being a history teacher she keeps a huge chart of who is who in the family. My cousin and I decide to stop dating, it's just too weird for either of us.

The next day Aunt History Teacher calls my parents, and apparently my GF's parents.

My folks think it's funny since they don't care much for that branch of the family. My GF's parents pull her out of public school two weeks later and send her off to a Catholic boarding school, and mail my father a letter saying in no uncertain terms that I'm not allowed to contact her. I haven't heard from her for over two decades, and my mother, father and siblings have been basically disowned by that side of the family (for other reasons too, it doesn't bother any of us that much).

Ok gently caress that teacher honestly, calling your parents was absolutely not necessary. She should have at least waited to see if you broke it off on your own (since, y'know, you did). Also gently caress anyone who'd send their kid to a boarding school as a punishment obv

quote:

I met the first girl I ever loved when I was 12 years old. We were on the WCW Bruise Cruise, which was a cruise sponsored by WCW and filled with wrestlers.

We met in the kids� arcade and bonded over our mutual hatred of Hollywood Hogan. We spent the entire trip hanging out and at the end she kissed me. I have never felt happiness like that. She gave me her address (this was 1998 so cell phones weren�t a thing for kids) and I promised to write.

Her address got lost in unpacking and I never spoke to her again. It�s been almost 20 years and I still regret that. I am married now but I honestly think I would leave my wife in a heartbeat for this girl. That week was pure magic, like a movie version of romance. If time travel is ever invented I will go back and make sure younger me holds onto that address; because I would hopefully be married to her today.

I also think this is the root cause of a lot of issues with my wife. I don�t like working on problems because I feel like I always have a better wife waiting for me somewhere.

this is idiotic

A girl you knew for a week when you were 12 would definitely not be a better wife than your actual wife. You romanticized the poo poo out of her because you were a preteen, which is normal; your biggest mistake is that you didn't stop doing that when you grew up.

# ? Oct 5, 2017 13:38

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Second goon, please actually ruin your marriage because you want to bang a hypothetical 12 year old, then post it on /r/relationships so we can make fun of you in the mock thread

# ? Oct 5, 2017 13:41

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

Holy poo poo that Bruise Cruise confession was just what I needed to read this morning. Amazing.

# ? Oct 5, 2017 13:42

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Sounds like Bruise Cruise goon is just looking for excuses to not work on his relationship.

# ? Oct 5, 2017 14:20

half coke half diet: Feb 3, 2006; I fight for all those men who have their nuts in a vice grip

Sounds like Bruise Cruise married someone he shouldnt have to settle...

# ? Oct 5, 2017 15:34

Weaponized Autism: Mar 26, 2006; All aboard the Gravy train!; Hair Elf

"pure magic" and a movie romance on a Bruise Cruise yeah sounds like a lovely time

# ? Oct 5, 2017 17:05

shut up blegum: Dec 17, 2008; --->Plastic Lawn<---

How do you crash a Bentley in London and still have time to fly half way around the world before pictures/movies of the crash get posted on 8.000 different Facebook groups?

# ? Oct 5, 2017 17:30

Axolotl: Jan 23, 2002; Whatever

Bruise Cruise goon...that girl hates you now. You never wrote back to her after you said you would. You broke your promise to this young girl and are the model by which she views all men now. She's probably turned into a diesel dyke and curses your name every time she's scissoring with her Chyna-lookalike girlfriend.

Plus, don't you even remember her name? I mean, women I dated a few times in the 90s and haven't seen since try to friend me on Facebook and my name isn't that uncommon.

Axolotl fucked around with this message at 17:34 on Oct 5, 2017

# ? Oct 5, 2017 17:31

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

She's the kinda girl that went on a Bruise Cruise, she probably weighs about 250 now. Still want to throw the old wife off?

# ? Oct 5, 2017 17:43

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# ? May 10, 2024 00:41

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

tactlessbastard posted:

She's the kinda girl that went on a Bruise Cruise, she probably weighs about 250 now. Still want to throw the old wife off?

You're making an assumption that this guys wife weighs less than that. I'm calling it now that he is a feeder and is upset he can't balloon his wife out anymore. He's looking to dump her so he can balloon another woman up; and then the cycle starts a new.

# ? Oct 5, 2017 17:53

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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