Let's Read: "Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality"

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Dalris Othaine: Oct 14, 2013; I think, therefore I am inevitable.

Also, even by their loony theories, "I don't believe in future AIs coming back in time to touch me naughty" is enough to "protect" you from their wrath, so :shrug:

E: New page, new content: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11117811/1/Ginny-Weasley-and-the-Sealed-Intelligence

This was billed as a "sequel" to hpmor, and is either a weird form of trolling or a bizarre amalgamation of futurist and religious belief. :iiam:

Dalris Othaine fucked around with this message at 18:53 on Nov 15, 2017

# ? Nov 15, 2017 18:49

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# ? Jun 7, 2024 03:21

divabot: Jun 17, 2015; A polite little mouse!

Dalris Othaine posted:

Also, even by their loony theories, "I don't believe in future AIs coming back in time to touch me naughty" is enough to "protect" you from their wrath, so

E: New page, new content: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11117811/1/Ginny-Weasley-and-the-Sealed-Intelligence

This was billed as a "sequel" to hpmor, and is either a weird form of trolling or a bizarre amalgamation of futurist and religious belief.

It's a sincere sequel by a fan, but is functionally a refutation of everything HPMOR pushes. It's also way better written, though that's not hard. If you made it to the end of HPMOR, you may enjoy it. The description of LessWrong meetups in ch8 rings true. It's also blatantly Christian evangelism, though of the reasonably smart sort.

# ? Nov 16, 2017 09:17

Metis of the Chat Thread: Aug 1, 2014

divabot posted:

It's a sincere sequel by a fan, but is functionally a refutation of everything HPMOR pushes. It's also way better written, though that's not hard. If you made it to the end of HPMOR, you may enjoy it. The description of LessWrong meetups in ch8 rings true. It's also blatantly Christian evangelism, though of the reasonably smart sort.

I was reading this and found it okay enough until I got to the part where Gilderoy Lockhart rapes Cho Chang multiple times. It has some, uh, issues with tone.

# ? Nov 16, 2017 13:50

21 Muns: Dec 10, 2016; by FactsAreUseless

Gluten Freeman posted:

I was reading this and found it okay enough until I got to the part where Gilderoy Lockhart rapes Cho Chang multiple times. It has some, uh, issues with tone.

Clearly continuing in the fine tradition of HPMOR. :v:

# ? Nov 16, 2017 14:20

Xander77: Apr 6, 2009; Fuck it then. For another pit sandwich and some 'tater salad, I'll post a few more.

Chapter 74: SA, Escalation of Conflicts, Pt 9

quote:

It was six parchments later that Harry saw it, and said out loud, "You think your prediction failed because there was some other factor at work which was not in your model. Some reason why Slytherin House hates Hermione more than you realized. Like when the orbital calculations for Uranus were wrong, and the problem wasn't in Newton's Laws, it was that they didn't know about Neptune -"

The parchment vanished, and was not replaced. The head rose from its lolling position then, facing Harry more directly, and the voice which issued forth was quiet, but not toneless. "I think, boy," Professor Quirrell said softly, but in something approaching his normal voice, "that if all Slytherin House hated her so much, I would have seen it. And yet three formidable fighters of that House did something rather than nothing, at risk and at cost to themselves. What force could have moved them, or willed their motion?" The icy blue glitter of the Defense Professor's eyes met Harry's own gaze. "Some hand possessed of influence within Slytherin, perhaps. Then how would that hand have benefited itself by harm done to the girl and her followers?"

"Um..." said Harry. "It would have to be someone threatened by Hermione somehow, or someone who would get the credit if she was hurt? I don't know anyone who fits that profile, but then I don't know much about anyone in Slytherin outside first-year." The thought was also coming to Harry that deducing a hidden mastermind from a single mildly-unexpected attack seemed like insufficient evidence to support the prior improbability of the theory; but then it was Professor Quirrell who was doing the deducing...

The Defense Professor was just looking at Harry, eyelids slightly lowered as though in impatience.

"And yes," said Harry, "I am sure that Draco Malfoy isn't behind it."

...

"But whether you were wrong about human nature," Harry said, "or whether there's some extra force at work in Slytherin House - either way, Hermione Granger is in more danger than you predicted. Last time it was three strong fighters, so what happens after -"

"She wishes not my help, nor yours," said a soft cold voice. "I no longer find your concerns so entertaining as I once did, Mr. Potter. Go."

Oh no, did Sensei stop noticing Harry Pottah?

quote:

"Professor Quirrell expelled Reese Belka from her army last night," Harry Potter said. "And from all her other after-school Defense activities. Do any of you see the significance of that? Miss Greengrass? Padma?"

Ok, wait a sec. All the other years also have their own Ender's army ripoff happening? What. When did we learn about this? Why would anyone pay that much attention to the trio's bullshi? What is even the signifance of the armies in the case?

I'm honestly kinda flabbergasted. Gasterflabbered. As far as blatant retcons go, this is kinda amazing in how it manages to make absolutely nothing make any sort of sense.

quote:

"I wasn't going to say this, but... I just wanted to offer to put you under whatever protection I could give. Make it clear to everyone that anyone who messes with you, is messing with the Boy-Who-Lived."

"Harry!" said Hermione sharply. "You know I don't want -"

"Some of them are my friends too, Hermione." Harry didn't take his eyes from hers. "And it's their decision, not yours. Padma? You told me that I owed you no debt for what I did, and that's the sort of thing a friend would say."

Hermione broke her gaze from Harry, to look at where Padma was shaking her head.

"Lavender?" Harry said. "You fought well in my army, and I'll fight for you if you wish it."

"Thank you, General!" Lavender said crisply. "I mean Mr. Potter. No, though. I'm a heroine and a Gryffindor, and I can fight for myself."

There was a pause.

"Parvati?" Harry said. "Susan? Hannah? Daphne? I don't know any of you so well, but it's something I would offer anyone who came to ask it of me, I think."

One by one, the other four girls shook their heads.

Hermione realized what was coming, then, but she didn't see a single thing she could do about it.

"And my loyal soldier, Chaotic Tracey?" said Harry Potter.

"Really? " gasped Tracey, oblivious to the stabbing glares that Hermione and every other girl were directing at her. Tracey's hands flew artfully to her cheeks, though she didn't actually manage to blush, not that Hermione could see; and her brown eyes were, if not shining, at least opened very wide. "You'd do that? For me? I mean - I mean, of course, absolutely, General Chaos -"

And so it was on that very morning that Harry Potter went over to the Gryffindor table, and then the Slytherin table, and told both Houses that anyone who hurt Tracey Davis, regardless of what she was doing at the time, would, quote, learn the true meaning of Chaos, unquote.

It was with considerable restraint that Draco Malfoy managed to prevent himself from slamming his head repeatedly into his plate of toast.

They weren't exactly scientists, the bullies of Hogwarts.

But even they, Draco knew, were going to want to test it.

quote:

Daphne had told Millicent that they were taking a break.

And so it was with some puzzlement, a few days later, that Daphne looked at the parchment delivered to her at lunch, drawn in a hand so shaky it was almost unreadable, saying:

2 this afternoon at the top of the stairs going up from the library REALLY IMPORTANT everyone has to be there - Millicent

Daphne looked around, but she couldn't see Millicent anywhere in the Great Hall.

...

Nobody seemed to know where it had started, who had started it. If you'd tried tracing it afterward, tracked it back word by word and mutter by mutter, you probably would have found it all going in a huge circle.

Peregrine Derrick was tapped on his shoulder as he left Potions that morning.

Jaime Astorga heard a whisper in his ear at lunch.

Robert Jugson III discovered a tiny folded note under his plate.

Carl Sloper overheard two older Gryffindors whispering about it, and they gave him significant glances as they walked past.

Ooh, time for the BOSS encounter in this stupid plot arc. We're really invested in having the bullies learn their lesson, because the kids they bully have names, faces, and we're invested in ending their pain.

...

Anyways, ~~Susan~~ Tonks asks the others to run away if any ~~boss~~ ~~shiny~~ elite bullies show up.

quote:

"Yes," squeaked most of the girls, though in Hannah's case it came out, "Yes, Lady Susan!"

"Don't call me that," snapped Susan. "And I don't think I heard you, Miss Brown! I'm warning you, I have friends who write plays and if you do anything dumb, posterity will remember you as Lavender, the Amazing Stupid Hostage."

(Hermione was beginning to worry about just how many other Hogwarts students besides Harry had mysterious dark sides, and whether she was likely to develop one if she kept hanging out with them.)

"Alright, Captain Bones," said Lavender in an unusually respectful tone, as they turned another corner along the shortest way to the library, passing through a rather large corridor studded with six sets of double doors, three sets on either side. "Can I ask if there's any way for me to become a double witch?"

"Sign up for the Auror preparation program in your sixth year," said Susan. "It's the next best thing. Oh, and if a famous Auror offers to oversee your summer internship, just ignore anyone who warns you that he's a terrible influence or that you're almost certainly going to die."

Lavender was nodding rapidly. "Got it, got it."

(Having Moody back up his badass reputation is actually fine. You know, as long as you're going to have super badass wizards, focus on fighting-skill-levels and all sorts of nerd stuff that HP isn't actually about)

quote:

Then Susan suddenly stopped in place and her wand snapped up and she said, "Protego Maximus! "

A jolt of adrenaline went through Hermione, she was instantly drawing her wand and spinning around -

But she couldn't see anything wrong, through the greater blue haze now surrounding them all.

The other girls, who had likewise pulled into formation, were also looking puzzled.

"Sorry!" said Susan. "Sorry, girls. Give me a moment to check this place out. Thinking of a certain person has just reminded me that this hall we're in right now, with all those doors, would be an excellent place for an ambush."

There was a moment of silence.

"Now," said a harsh male voice, blurred into unidentifiability by a buzzing undertone.

All six sets of double doors slammed open.

White robes filed silently forward, all-concealing white robes without marks of House affiliation and white cloth hiding the faces beneath the hoods. They marched out, and marched out, crowding the great corridor in numbers too high to count easily. Less than fifty robes, probably. Certainly more than thirty. All of them already surrounded by blue haze.

Susan said some Extremely Bad Words, so awful that at almost any other time, Hermione would have noticed.

"That message!" Daphne cried in sudden horror. "It wasn't from -"

"Millicent Bulstrode?" said the voice and its buzzing undertone. "No, it wasn't. You see, Miss Greengrass, if the same girl sends off a Slytherin message every day you fight a bully, pretty soon someone else will notice. We'll have a talk with her after we're done with you."

"Susan" gets dropped, Snape shows and is unceremoniously dropped, and then Tracy starts a Lovecraft / W40K chant summoning Harriezer:

quote:

The black barriers at the two ends of the corridor had dissipated like smoke beneath the growing pressure, but their evaporation revealed the exits sealed, blocked by tiled slats of dark metal that looked stained as though with blood; and as Tracey chanted "Lemarchand, Lament, Lemarchand," a dreadful blue light began to shine out from beneath the metal slats and between them; and the six sets of double doors slammed shut all at once, as panicked white-robed bullies began to pound on them and howl.

Then Tracey's hand slashed to her left, and she cried "Khornath! ", then her hand pointed below her and "Slaaneth! ", above her "Nurgolth! ", and then, to her right, "TZINTCHI! "

Tracey paused, took a deep breath; and Hermione found her voice and cried, "Stop! Tracey, stop! "

But there was a strange wild smile on Tracey's face. She raised her hand still higher, and snapped her fingers a third time; and when she spoke again, beneath her high girlish voice there was an undertone as though some lower chorus were chanting along with her.

"Darkness beyond darkness, deeper than pitchest black.
Buried beneath the flow of time...
From darkness to darkness, your voice echoes in the emptiness,
Unknown to death, nor known to life."

"What are you doing? " shrieked Parvati, and the Gryffindor girl stretched out a hand as though to pull down the Slytherin, who was now starting to float upward into the air; and both Daphne and Susan grabbed Parvati's arm at the same time and Daphne cried out, "Don't, we don't know what will happen if the ritual is interrupted!"

"Well what happens if it gets COMPLETED? " screamed Hermione, as close as she'd ever come to total brain meltdown.

Susan's face was white as chalk, and she whispered, "I'm sorry, Mad-Eye..."

And Tracey spoke on, her body floating higher and higher off the floor, her black hair whipping wildly around her in the chill winds.

"You who know the gate, who are the gate, the key and guardian of the gate:
I bid you open the way for him, and manifest his power before me!"

The corridor was plunged then into utter darkness and silence, so that only Tracey could be seen and heard, like there was nothing left in the universe except her and the light illuminating her from some nameless source.

The shining girl raised her hand one final time, and with dreadful gravity, pressed her thumb and forefinger together.

And within the darkness Hermione looked at Tracey's face and saw that the Slytherin girl's eyes were now, to the exact shade, the green of Harry Potter's.

"Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres!
Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres!
HARRY JAMES POTTER-EVANS-VERRES!"

There was a snap like thunder, and then -

All the bullies are beaten off
...
screen.

quote:

The old wizard took off his glasses, leaned forward to stare at Harry directly, blue eyes to green. "I will ask you one question," the Headmaster said in a quiet voice. "Do you think that what you did today was - appropriate? "

"They were bullies and they came to that hallway with the direct intent of hurting Hermione Granger and seven other first-year children," Harry said levelly. "If I am not too young for moral judgment, then neither are they. No, Headmaster, they didn't deserve to die. But they did deserve to be stripped naked and glued to the ceiling."

quote:

"Professor Quirrell had already deduced my possession of an invisibility cloak," Harry said. "And knowing him, he has probably guessed that it is a Deathly Hallow. But in this case, Headmaster, it so happens that Professor Quirrell was under one of those face-concealing white robes."

There was another pause.

"How very cunning," said the Headmaster. He leaned back in his throne and sighed. "I have spoken to the Defense Professor. Just before you, indeed. I did not quite know what to say. I told him that this was not the approved Hogwarts policy for dealing with infractions of hallway discipline, and that I did not feel it was appropriate for a Hogwarts professor to do what he had done."

"And what did Professor Quirrell say to that?" said Harry, who was not impressed with Hogwarts's current policies for enforcing hallway discipline.

The Headmaster wore a look of resignation. "He said: Fire me."

Somehow Harry managed not to cheer out loud.

quote:

"And so," the old wizard finished, "that is how we came to today, Harry, to forty-four students attacking eight first-year witches. A full battle in these halls! I know it was not your intent, but you must accept some measure of responsibility. Such things did not happen before you came to this school, not through all my decades in Hogwarts; neither when I was a student nor when I was a Professor."

"Thank you very much," Harry said evenly. "Though I think Professor Quirrell deserves more credit than me."

The blue eyes widened. "Harry..."

"Those bullies were attacking victims long before this year," Harry said. Despite his best efforts, his voice was starting to rise. "But nobody seems to have taught the students that they're allowed to fight back. I know it's much harder to ignore a two-sided fight than some helpless victims getting hexed or almost pushed out of windows, but it's not exactly worse, is it? I wish I'd read more of Godric Gryffindor's writings so I could quote him, there's got to be something in there about this. Open battle may be louder than the victims suffering in silence, it may be harder to pretend that nothing is happening, but the final result is better -"

"No, it is not," Dumbledore said. "It is not, Harry. To always fight the darkness, to never let evil pass unchallenged - that is not heroism, but simple pride. Even Godric Gryffindor did not think that every war was worth fighting, though he went his whole life from one battle to another." The old wizard's voice went quieter. "In truth, Harry, the words you speak - they are not evil. No, not evil, and yet they have frightened me. You are one who might someday wield great power, over wizardry, over your fellow wizards. And if, come that day, you still think that evil must never pass unchallenged -" Now a note of real worry had entered the Headmaster's voice. "The world has grown more fragile since the age when Hogwarts was raised; I fear it cannot bear the fury of another Godric Gryffindor. And he was slower to his wrath than you." The old wizard shook his head. "You are too ready to fight, Harry. Much too ready to fight, and Hogwarts itself is becoming a more violent place around you."

Dumbledore just unhinges his loving mouth and vomits out fully-formed bales of straw.

quote:

"I'm not sure," Harry said. "Not the way I predicted. He seems to believe the Light should lose a lot more often than I'd consider wise. Plus I'm not sure he understands the difference between trying to fight and trying to win. It explains a lot, actually..." Harry hadn't read much about the Wizarding War, but he'd read enough to know that the good guys probably had acquired a pretty accurate picture of who most of the worst Death Eaters were, and hadn't just owled them all hand grenades over the course of five minutes.

quote:

"The Unbreakable Vow is too useful to certain wealthy Houses to be outlawed entirely - even though to bind a man's will through all his days is indeed a dread and terrible act, more fearsome than many lesser rituals that wizards shun. A cynic might conclude that which rituals are prohibited is not so much a matter of morality, as habit. But I digress..." Professor Quirrell made a brief coughing sound, a clearing of his throat. "The Unbreakable Vow requires three participants and three sacrifices. The one who receives the Unbreakable Vow must be one who could have come to trust the Vower, but chooses instead to demand the Vow from them, and they sacrifice that possibility of trust. The one who makes the Vow must be someone who could have chosen to do what the Vow demands of them, and they sacrifice that capacity for choice. And the third wizard, the binder, permanently sacrifices a small portion of their own magic, to sustain the Vow forever."

"Ah," Harry said. "I'd wondered why that spell wasn't used all over the place, every time two people have difficulty trusting each other... although... why don't wizards on their deathbeds charge money to bind Unbreakable Vows, and use that to leave an inheritance for their children -"

"Because they are stupid," said Professor Quirrell. "There are hundreds of useful rituals which could be performed if men had so much sense; I could name twenty without stopping to draw breath. But in any case, Mr. Potter, the thing about such rituals - whether or not you choose to term them Dark - is that they are shaped to be magically efficacious, not to appear impressive when performed. I suppose there is a certain tendency for the more powerful rituals to require more dreadful sacrifices. Even so, the most terrible ritual known to me demands only a rope which has hanged a man and a sword which has slain a woman; and that for a ritual which promised to summon Death itself - though what is truly meant by that I do not know and do not care to discover, since it was also said that the counterspell to dismiss Death had been lost. The most dread chant I have encountered does not sound even a hundredth as fearsome as the chant you composed for Miss Davis. Those among the bullies who had a passing familiarity with Dark rituals - and I am certain that there were some - must have been terrified beyond the capacity of words to describe. If there existed a true ritual which appeared that impressive, Mr. Potter, it would melt the Earth."

...

"I... see," said Harry, as he trod through the halls of Hogwarts after Professor Quirrell, following him toward the Defense Professor's office. "So my chant, the way I wrote it, implies that the Outer God, Yog-Sothoth -"

"Was permanently sacrificed in a ritual which but briefly manifested your presence," said Professor Quirrell. "I suppose we will discover tomorrow whether anyone took that seriously, when we read the newspapers and see whether all the magical nations of the world are banding together in a desperate effort to seal off your incursion into our reality."

They walked on, as the Defense Professor began chuckling, odd throaty sounds.

The two of them didn't talk after that until they came to the Defense Professor's office, and then the man halted with his hand upon the door.

"It is a very strange thing," the Defense Professor said, his voice now soft again, almost inaudible. The man was not looking at Harry, and Harry saw only his back. "A very strange thing... There was a time when I would have sacrificed a finger from my wand hand, to work upon the bullies of Hogwarts as we have worked upon them this day. To make them fear me as they now fear you, to have the deference of all the students and the adoration of many, I would have given my finger for that. You have everything now that I wanted then. All that I know of human nature says that I should hate you. And yet I do not. It is a very strange thing."

I neglected to point our every single time Harriezer revels in his ability to deploy Quirrelmort, and just how awesome his sheer Sueness is.

And finally, it's time for the regular SPHEW comedy hour:

quote:

The heir of Malfoy had slumped forward, resting his head in both hands, so that nobody could see his face. "Why is my life like this?" said Draco Malfoy.

A wild babble of whispers started up as Tracey returned to her desk, now smiling in satisfaction, while Pansy stood in the midst of the classroom, wringing her hands and tears starting from her eyes -

"Be. Quiet."

The soft, lethal voice seemed to fill the whole classroom as Professor Snape stalked in through the door. His face was angrier than Daphne had ever seen it, sending a jolt of genuine fear down her spine. Hastily she looked down at her homework.

"Sit down, Parkinson," the Potions Master hissed, "and you, Davis, take off that ridiculous cloak -"

"Professor Snaaaaaape! " wailed Pansy Parkinson in tears. "Tracey ate my sooouuul! "

# ? Nov 19, 2017 13:14

90s Cringe Rock: Nov 29, 2006

Xander77 posted:

"Susan" gets dropped, Snape shows and is unceremoniously dropped, and then Tracy starts a Lovecraft / W40K chant summoning Harriezer:

I'll give him slight credit for branching out from Lovecraft, 40K, and all the animes: Hellraiser's in there too. He's developing slightly wider tastes!

# ? Nov 19, 2017 14:21

Paladin: Nov 26, 2004; You lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it.

Xander77 posted:

Dumbledore just unhinges his loving mouth and vomits out fully-formed bales of straw.

Is that from something, or did you make that up? Fits perfectly.

# ? Nov 19, 2017 21:14

Added Space: Jul 13, 2012; Free Markets
Free People

Curse you Hayard-Gunnes!

I don't know, I've worked in schools. The school head cracking down on the bullied because punishing the bullies is more difficult is distinctly plausible.

# ? Nov 20, 2017 05:10

Tiggum: Oct 24, 2007; Your life and your quest end here.

Added Space posted:

I don't know, I've worked in schools. The school head cracking down on the bullied because punishing the bullies is more difficult is distinctly plausible.

That bit's fine. It's the way he justifies it by saying that sometimes it's actually good to ignore bad things happening. Like, he's not criticising the method, he's straight up saying that you should sometimes just ignore evil. If you think that "evil must never pass unchallenged" then you're somehow worse than the people doing the evil to begin with.

# ? Nov 20, 2017 06:00

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Xander77 posted:

Actually moderately funny. Probably funnier if you read fanfic besides this one?

I'm late to this, but I think "Sparklypoo" is a reference to a fandom in-joke about Mary Sues having their own Hogwarts houses.

# ? Nov 22, 2017 00:11

Jazerus: May 24, 2011

Tiggum posted:

That bit's fine. It's the way he justifies it by saying that sometimes it's actually good to ignore bad things happening. Like, he's not criticising the method, he's straight up saying that you should sometimes just ignore evil. If you think that "evil must never pass unchallenged" then you're somehow worse than the people doing the evil to begin with.

it's the "must conserve political capital" school of thought wrt evil

# ? Nov 22, 2017 00:12

The Iron Rose: May 12, 2012; Cat Army

Tiggum posted:

That bit's fine. It's the way he justifies it by saying that sometimes it's actually good to ignore bad things happening. Like, he's not criticising the method, he's straight up saying that you should sometimes just ignore evil. If you think that "evil must never pass unchallenged" then you're somehow worse than the people doing the evil to begin with.

I mean, sure, if you're working with limited resources (including political capital) then it's definitely right to say not all battles should be fought.

Besides, escalation has its own consequences. I'm actually with Dumbledore here and jesus christ we're having a completely inane conversation about a lovely fanfic

# ? Nov 22, 2017 02:18

Tiggum: Oct 24, 2007; Your life and your quest end here.

Picking your battles is certainly a reasonable thing to do, but I don't really see how it applies here.

# ? Nov 22, 2017 03:47

Otto Von Jizzmark: Dec 27, 2004

I was just watching philosophers stone tonight. It really grinded my gears that dumbledore just sort of arbitrarily awards enough points for Griffendor to win the house cup. If he knew he was going to hand the shits of griffendor the cup why did he pretend at first slitherin had won. What a lovely headmaster.

# ? Nov 27, 2017 09:53

MikeJF: Dec 20, 2003

Otto Von Jizzmark posted:

I was just watching philosophers stone tonight. It really grinded my gears that dumbledore just sort of arbitrarily awards enough points for Griffendor to win the house cup. If he knew he was going to hand the shits of griffendor the cup why did he pretend at first slitherin had won. What a lovely headmaster.

# ? Nov 27, 2017 14:14

Mazerunner: Apr 22, 2010; Good Hunter, what... what is this post?

on the other hand the only reason slytherin wins so much is because of snape's favouritism so gently caress those guys

# ? Nov 28, 2017 08:25

MikeJF: Dec 20, 2003

Mazerunner posted:

on the other hand the only reason slytherin wins so much is because of snape's favouritism so gently caress those guys

Yeah but that's also a symptom of Dumbledore being the world's worst headmaster. Gotta keep my Death Eater turncoat nearby, I'll just make him a teacher, who the gently caress cares if it impacts the students horribly.

The school must've been such a better school after McGonagall took over, I'll bet.

MikeJF fucked around with this message at 11:51 on Nov 28, 2017

# ? Nov 28, 2017 11:49

Xander77: Apr 6, 2009; Fuck it then. For another pit sandwich and some 'tater salad, I'll post a few more.

Chapter 75: Self Actualization Final, Responsibility

quote:

"This day Potter has offered great insult to our Houses," said the grim voice of Jaime Astorga.

"Yes, well, I'm sorry to be blunt," Randolph Lee said evenly. The seventh-year duelist rubbed at his chin, where a faint fuzz of beard had been allowed to grow. "But when someone sticks you to the ceiling, it's a message, Astorga. It's a message which says: I'm an incredibly powerful Dark Wizard who could've done anything to you I drat well pleased, and I don't care if your House is offended, either."

...

Jugson was holding his wand, and he turned it idly back and forth in his fingers, pointing it up and then downward. "Are you a Gryffindor or a Slytherin?" said Jugson. "Everyone's got a price. Everyone smart."

This statement produced a moment of silence.

...

Slowly, Belka turned around to see what the others were staring at.

"You will do nothing," hissed their Head of House. Severus Snape's face was enraged, when he spoke small spots of spittle flew from his mouth, further dotting his already-dirtied robes. "You fools have done enough! You have embarrassed my House - lost to first-years - now you speak of embroiling noble Lords of the Wizengamot in your pathetic childish squabbles? I shall deal with this matter. You will not embarrass this House again, you will not risk embarrassing this House again! You are done with fighting witches, and if I hear otherwise -"

Yay, now that Harry got his chance to properly rescue dumb little Hermione (inverting the terrible injustice of the original novels) this interminable plot branch is nearing its conclusion.

quote:

"This is not about points," ground out Harry Potter, the words visibly escaping from between his clenched teeth. Dinner sat ignored on the table in front of him. "This is about justice. And I. Am. Not. Her. Boyfriend! "

This was met by a certain amount of sniggering from all present.

"Yeah, well," said a sixth-year Ravenclaw boy, "I think after she kisses you to bring you out of Dementation and you stick forty-four bullies to the ceiling for her, we've gone way past 'she's not my girlfriend, really' and into the question of what your kids will be like. Wow, that's a scary thought..." The Ravenclaw trailed off and then said, in a smaller voice, "Please don't look at me like that."

...

"Romantic? " shrieked Hermione Granger, so loudly that some of the girls next to her winced. "What part of that was romantic? He didn't ask! He never asks! He just sends ghosts after people and glues them to ceilings and does whatever he wants with my life!"

"But don't you see?" said a fourth-year witch. "It means that even though he's evil, he loves you!"

...

This was also ignored. "It's just like a play!" sighed a third-year girl.

"A play?" said Hermione. "I'd like to see the play where anything like this happens!"

"Oh," said the third-year girl, "I was thinking of that really romantic one where there's this very nice, sweet boy who makes a Floo call, only he mispronounces his destination and stumbles out into this room full of Dark Wizards who are performing a forbidden ritual that should've stayed forever lost to time, and they're sacrificing seven victims in order to unseal this ancient horror which is supposed to grant someone a wish if it's freed, so of course the boy's presence interrupts the ritual, and as the horror is eating all the Dark Wizards and everyone is dying the boy's last thought is that he wishes he could've had a girlfriend, and the next thing you know the boy is lying in the lap of this beautiful woman whose eyes are burning with a dreadful light, only she doesn't understand anything about being human so the boy always has to stop her eating people. This is just like that play, only you're the boy and Harry Potter is the girl!"

"That..." Hermione said, feeling quite surprised. "That actually does sound something like -"

Some anime, I assume?

quote:

To be specific, there'd been the fourth-year witch explaining that, since Harry was the evil wizard who'd fallen in love with Hermione, and Hermione was the pure and innocent girl who would either redeem him or get seduced by the Dark Arts herself, it followed that Hermione had to be perpetually indignant at anything Harry did, even if it was him heroically saving her from certain doom, just so that their romance wouldn't resolve itself before the end of Act IV. And then Penelope Clearwater, who Hermione had really thought was smarter than that, had remarked in a loud voice that for identical reasons it was impossible for Hermione to just go over and talk sensibly with Harry about why she was feeling hurt, and anyway Dark Wizards were attracted to passionate defiance in a woman, not logic. This was the point at which Hermione had shoved herself up from the benches, stomped furiously over to where Harry was sitting, and asked him in a reasonable voice if the two of them could go for a walk and sort things out.

They don't.

quote:

"Great!" said Hermione. "So, have you worked out why I was upset, Mr. Potter?"

...

And the reason we all got scared like that, Mr. Potter, was that you didn't ask first! " Despite her intentions, Hermione found her voice was rising again. "You should've asked me before you did something like that, Harry! You should've said very specifically, 'Hermione, can I make blood come out from under the doors?' It's important to be specific when you're asking about that sort of thing!"

The boy rubbed the back of his neck as he walked. "I... honestly, I just thought you'd have to say no."

"Yes, Mr. Potter, I could've said no. That's the whole point of asking first, Mr. Potter!"

And then it's time to poo poo on McGonnagal some more.

quote:

"I would've done the responsible thing and told Professor McGonagall and let her take care of it," Hermione said promptly. "And then there wouldn't have been darkness and people screaming and horrible blue light -"

But Harry just shook his head. "That's not the responsible thing to do, Hermione. It's what someone playing the role of a responsible girl would do. Yes, I thought of going to Professor McGonagall. But she would've only stopped the disaster once. Probably before any disturbance happened in the first place, like by telling the bullies she knew. If the bullies got punished just for plotting, it would be by losing House points, or at worst a day's detention, not anything that would really scare them. And then the bullies would have tried again. Fewer of them, with better operational security so I didn't hear about it. They would probably ambush one of you, alone. Professor McGonagall doesn't have the authority to do something scary enough to protect you - and she wouldn't have overstepped her authority, because she's not really responsible."

"Professor McGonagall isn't responsible?" Hermione said incredulously. She jammed her hands on her hips, now openly glaring at him. "Are you nuts?"

The boy didn't blink. "You could call it heroic responsibility, maybe," Harry Potter said. "Not like the usual sort. It means that whatever happens, no matter what, it's always your fault. Even if you tell Professor McGonagall, she's not responsible for what happens, you are. Following the school rules isn't an excuse, someone else being in charge isn't an excuse, even trying your best isn't an excuse. There just aren't any excuses, you've got to get the job done no matter what." Harry's face tightened. "That's why I say you're not thinking responsibly, Hermione. Thinking that your job is done when you tell Professor McGonagall - that isn't heroine thinking. Like Hannah being beat up is okay then, because it isn't your fault anymore. Being a heroine means your job isn't finished until you've done whatever it takes to protect the other girls, permanently." In Harry's voice was a touch of the steel he had acquired since the day Fawkes had been on his shoulder. "You can't think as if just following the rules means you've done your duty."

...

"How about this?" Harry said at last. "I'll promise to ask you first before I do anything that could be interpreted as meddling in your affairs. Only you've got to promise me to be reasonable, Hermione. I mean really, genuinely, stop and think for twenty seconds first, treat it as a real choice. The sort of reasonableness where you realize I'm offering a way to protect the other girls, and that if you automatically say no without considering it properly, there's this actual consequence where Hannah Abbott ends up in the hospital."

Hermione Granger - total sheeple without the rationalist influence of Harriezer.

quote:

"And maybe I'm wrong," Harry said as they walked. "Maybe I've just read too many stories where the heroes never do the sensible thing and follow the rules and tell their Professor McGonagalls, so my brain doesn't think you're a proper storybook hero. Maybe it's you who's the sane one, Hermione, and me who's just being silly. But every time you talk about following rules or relying on teachers, I get that same feeling, like it's bound up with this one last thing that's stopping you, one last thing that puts your PC self to sleep and turns you into an NPC again..." Harry let out a sigh. "Maybe that's why Dumbledore said I should have wicked stepparents."

...

Harry nodded. "I still don't know whether the Headmaster was joking or... the thing is, he was right in a way. I had loving parents, but I never felt like I could trust their decisions, they weren't sane enough. I always knew that if I didn't think things through myself, I might get hurt. Professor McGonagall will do whatever it takes to get the job done if I'm there to nag her about it, she doesn't break rules on her own without heroic supervision. Professor Quirrell really is someone who gets things done no matter what, and he's the only other person I know who notices stuff like the Snitch ruining Quidditch. But him I can't trust to be good. Even if it's sad, I think that's part of the environment that creates what Dumbledore calls a hero - people who don't have anyone else to shove final responsibility onto, and that's why they form the mental habit of tracking everything themselves."

Oh, he's not even hiding that. Again, over the course of 75 chapters, and (probably) more verbiage than half the HP novels combined, Harriezer hasn't changed one bit from the little twat who asked Hermione whether she's a PC or an NPC. That is sad af.

quote:

"Oh, and I just thought of something I should tell you," Harry said when they were about halfway up. "Since it affects your life and all. Think of it as a sort of down payment -"

"What is it?" said Hermione.

"I predict S.P.H.E.W. is about to retire."

"Retire? " Hermione said, almost stumbling on one of the stairs.

"Yeah," Harry said. "I mean, I could be wrong, but I suspect the teachers are about to clamp down hard on fighting in the corridors." Harry was grinning as he spoke, a glint in his eyes behind the glasses hinting at secret knowledge. "Cast new wards to detect offensive hexes, or start verifying reports of bullying using Veritaserum - I can think of several ways they might shut it down. But if I'm right, it's something to celebrate, Hermione, you and all of you. You kicked up enough public ruckus that you got them to actually do something about the bullying. All the bullying."

Slowly, then, a smile began to creep up her lips, and as she reached the top of the stairs and began walking toward the Ravenclaw portrait for her riddle, Hermione felt rather lighter on her feet, a wonderful lifting feeling spreading through her like she'd been pumped full of helium.

Somehow, despite all the effort the eight of them had put in, she hadn't expected that much, she hadn't expected it to actually work.

They'd made a difference...

And then Severus bans the society, takes 100 points from ~~Griffyndor~~ Ravenclaw, and gives her detention. This is enough to convince Hermione that Harriezer is right.

Cue Godrick Griffyndor quote:

quote:

No rescuer hath the rescuer.
No Lord hath the champion,
no mother and no father,
only nothingness above.

That's an actual personality disorder, btw.

# ? Nov 29, 2017 09:36

Bifauxnen: Aug 12, 2010; Curses! Foiled again!

quote:

Professor Quirrell really is someone who gets things done no matter what, and he's the only other person I know who notices stuff like the Snitch ruining Quidditch.

Yes, it takes such visionary critical thought to come up with "when you think about it the snitch is kinda stupid, hey"

# ? Nov 29, 2017 11:09

Jazerus: May 24, 2011

just to

for a moment, because this is another example of yud doing no investigation of his source material

professional quidditch games are very high scoring and the snitch is much harder to catch, so the snitch catch is just a component of winning rather than the deciding factor. in the context of hogwarts quidditch the snitch is really dumb though

# ? Nov 29, 2017 17:42

Tiggum: Oct 24, 2007; Your life and your quest end here.

I think the thing that annoys me most about this is how unlike children these children are. Has Yudkowsky ever met a child? Like, ever?

Jazerus posted:

just to for a moment, because this is another example of yud doing no investigation of his source material

professional quidditch games are very high scoring and the snitch is much harder to catch, so the snitch catch is just a component of winning rather than the deciding factor. in the context of hogwarts quidditch the snitch is really dumb though

It kind of makes sense though if you assume that school quidditch is basically training for real quidditch. Like, the kids playing the non-seeker roles know they're not really doing much in these games but they are sharpening their skills so one day they might get to play professionally. And as far as the spectators go, it's still fun to watch even if the results are more dependent on seekers than it should be. And I don't think we ever find out what rule modifications are in place for their casual backyard games, but they must exist just because of the reduced number of players and size of the playfield. Like tippity-run and six-and-out rules in backyard cricket.

# ? Nov 30, 2017 04:37

Argue: Sep 29, 2005; I represent the Philippines

Some people were talking about it several dozen pages ago so I thought this would be the appropriate place to mention that Harry Potter and the Natural 20 has finally started updating again after something like 2 years of inactivity. That link goes to the new chapter, not the start.

For those who don't know it, it's a fanfic that Yud likes about a wizard from a D&D world who finds themselves on earth, in Hogwarts. It starts off as a silly joke about the absurdity of both D&D mechanics and Harry Potter magic but eventually grows into an actual coherent plot with a thematically relevant character arc for the protagonist. The author has a good sense of comedic timing and manages to wring a lot more humor out of the premise than you might initially expect, too.

# ? Dec 2, 2017 19:04

Rand Brittain: Mar 25, 2013; "Go on until you're stopped."

Yeah, I always had a hard time believing anybody at Hogwarts would really care about the House Cup given how blatantly rigged it is in favor of whichever professor is willing to sandbag most.

# ? Dec 2, 2017 22:29

Old Kentucky Shark: May 25, 2012; If you think you're gonna get sympathy from the shark, well then, you won't.

Rand Brittain posted:

Yeah, I always had a hard time believing anybody at Hogwarts would really care about the House Cup given how blatantly rigged it is in favor of whichever professor is willing to sandbag most.

There's sort of a meta narrative about how each house vies for the House Cup and are rewarded for actions which follow the tenets of their House: Ravenclaw by excellence in academics, Slytherin by adhering to the letter of the rules while perverting their spirit and currying favor with powerful evil wizards, and Gryffindor by being a general group of rowdy fuckups who nevertheless are tolerated and rewarded because they occasionally save the world.

Presumably Hufflepuff just gives no fucks.

# ? Dec 2, 2017 23:47

MikeJF: Dec 20, 2003

Hufflepuff win the cup one point at a time.

# ? Dec 3, 2017 07:21

Soup du Jour: Sep 8, 2011; I always knew I'd die with a headache.

Argue posted:

Some people were talking about it several dozen pages ago so I thought this would be the appropriate place to mention that Harry Potter and the Natural 20 has finally started updating again after something like 2 years of inactivity. That link goes to the new chapter, not the start.

For those who don't know it, it's a fanfic that Yud likes about a wizard from a D&D world who finds themselves on earth, in Hogwarts. It starts off as a silly joke about the absurdity of both D&D mechanics and Harry Potter magic but eventually grows into an actual coherent plot with a thematically relevant character arc for the protagonist. The author has a good sense of comedic timing and manages to wring a lot more humor out of the premise than you might initially expect, too.

Hell yeah, this was a really fun read and I�m glad to hear that it�s finally started back up.

# ? Dec 4, 2017 23:06

MikeJF: Dec 20, 2003

It can be a bit smug at times, but it is a fun read and I do enjoy his Dumbledore voice.

quote:

The door behind her opened quickly, flooding the room with light. A tall, ancient man wearing horribly-clashing purple and magenta robes stood in the doorway, his white beard almost reaching his waist. A dozen or so witches and wizards of various description peered into the room curiously.

"And here we have the famous third lower janitorial closet, considered enormously significant among janitorial historians due to its—oh, pardon me," the man said, peering over his half-moon spectacles. "This isn't the third lower janitorial closet at all. In fact, unless I am quite mistaken, these are the long-unused Department of Magical Law Enforcement interrogation cells. Not to be re-opened except in times of war. Clearly, there has been some misunderstanding."

"Dumbledore?" Milo choked out. He could hardly believe it. No, scratch that—when it came to Dumbledore, he could believe anything.

"In fact, a number of mistakes seem to have been made," Dumbledore said, looking at his little visitor's badge. "Not the least that I am, in fact, not a tour guide. Do forgive me, it's a mistake anyone could have made. Much like accidentally, and, I'm afraid, quite illegally, interrogating a minor without just cause or due process."

The Imperiused Bones stared at Dumbledore completely disbelievingly for a moment before rallying.

"No visitors!" she snapped. "How did you even get in here? The door was locked!"

"Yes, I did quite wonder about that," Dumbledore said, giving Milo a quick wink. He turned back to his tour group. "The third lower janitorial closet hasn't been locked since—can anyone tell me?"

"Since the Goblin Uprisings of 1743," Milo called out, choosing to fully embrace the surreal. "When they were used as a last refuge by Ministry staff in an attempt to escape the reprisals."

"Bravo!" Dumbledore said. "Two points for Gryff—oh, excuse me. I'm not a professor anymore, either. I'll have to write Minerva after this tour—" he gasped quite authentically, looking at the tour group as if it was his first time seeing it. "Dear me, things do seem to be going wrong today!" he exclaimed. "This isn't a tour group; it's the entire assembled Wizengamot!"

MikeJF fucked around with this message at 04:04 on Dec 5, 2017

# ? Dec 5, 2017 04:00

Grace Baiting: Jul 20, 2012; Audi famam illius;
Cucurrit quaeque
Tetigit destruens.

MikeJF posted:

It can be a bit smug at times, but it is a fun read and I do enjoy his Dumbledore voice.

Turns out if you...
� are a better writer,
� are not trying to ~~evangelize for your cult~~ rinatryvmr for your phyg with your fanfic
� which is of a book series you�ve never read,
� and in fact you have some affection for the source material you are parodying?
...then your story/parody just might be higher quality than HPMoR! It�s a One Weird Trick combo!!

Also

# ? Dec 5, 2017 17:45

Xander77: Apr 6, 2009; Fuck it then. For another pit sandwich and some 'tater salad, I'll post a few more.

Chapter 76: Interlude with the Confessor: Sunk Costs

quote:

She knew this was the last time.

The last time before all these memories went away, and Rianne Felthorne found herself in a mysterious cavern, wondering what was going on.

There was something about it that felt like dying.

The books said a properly done Obliviation wasn't harmful, people forgot things all the time. People dreamed, and then woke up without remembering their dreams. Obliviation didn't even involve that much discontinuity, just a brief instant of disorientation; it was like being distracted by a loud noise and losing track of a thought you couldn't seem to remember afterward. That was what the books said, and why Memory Charms were fully approved by the Ministry for all authorized governmental purposes.

But still, these thoughts, the thoughts she was thinking right now; soon nobody would have them anymore. When she looked ahead in the future, there was nobody to complete the thoughts she wasn't finished thinking. Even if she managed to tie up all the loose ends in her mind over the next minute, there wouldn't be anything left of it afterward. Wasn't that exactly what you would find yourself reflecting on, if you were going to die in the next minute?

Yeah. Fair point. There's no "you" outside your mind, and messing with your head is functionally equivalent to messing with your soul. Deleting memories is one hell of an assault, and the way the "good guys" in HP merrily throw memory charms around is a fiarly good foreshadowing to how happy they will be to throw out unforgivable curses.

quote:

There was no one else there, as yet, and after long minutes of nervous standing, she began the spell to Transfigure a cushioned sofa large enough for two people to sit, or maybe even lie down on. A simple wooden stool would have been easier, she could have done that in fifteen seconds, but - well -

...

Severus Snape emerged into the cavern.

His eyes moved to her sitting on the sofa, and a strange expression crossed his face; strange because it wasn't sardonic, or angry, or cold.

"Thank you, Miss Felthorne," Snape said quietly, "that was considerate of you." The Potions Master took out his wand and performed the usual privacy Charms, and then he moved toward her, and sat down heavily beside her on the Transfigured sofa.

Her pulse was now pounding for another reason entirely.

Ugh.

quote:

"But," said Rianne, "I didn't understand why you were helping her. And now - after what you did to Granger in the Great Hall - I just don't understand at all." Rianne had never thought of herself as particularly nice. She'd taken little notice of the controversy over the Sunshine General. But something about helping Granger fight bullies had... well, she'd gotten used to thinking of that as the good side, and thinking of herself as being on the good side. And she'd found she actually liked it. It was hard, to just let that go. "Why'd you do that, Professor Snape?"

...

"There's a certain boy in your class who likes you, Miss Felthorne," Snape said from behind his closed eyes. "I won't say his name. But he watches you every time you walk across the room, when he thinks you aren't looking. He dreams about you and desires to possess you, but he's never asked you for so much as a kiss."

Her heart started hammering even harder.

"Please tell me the honest truth, Miss Felthorne. What do you think of that boy?"

"Well -" she said. She was stumbling over her words. "I think - to never even ask for one kiss - would be -"

Sad.

Just too pitiful.

"Weakness," she said, her voice trembling.

"I agree," said Snape. "Suppose that boy had helped you, though. Would you think that you owed him a kiss, if he asked?"

She inhaled sharply -

"Or would you think," Snape continued, his eyes still closed, "that he was just being bothersome?"

The words stabbed into her like a knife and she couldn't help gasping out loud.

Snape's eyes flew open, and his gaze met hers across the sofa.

Then the Potions Master began to laugh, small sad chuckles.

"No, not you, Miss Felthorne!" Snape said. "Not you! We really are talking about a boy. One who attends your Potions class, in fact."

"Oh," she said. She tried to remember what Snape had said before, now feeling rather unnerved as she thought of some boy watching her, always silently watching. "Well, um, in that case. That's kind of creepy, actually. Who is it?"

The Potions Master shook his head. "It doesn't matter," said Snape. "Out of curiosity, what would you think if that boy were still in love with you years later?"

"Um," she said, feeling a bit confused, "that would be totally pathetic?"

The torch crackled a bit in the cavern.

Hah.

quote:

"I am terrible at riddles," Snape said in a distant voice. "I was once given a riddle to solve, and I did not understand even the simplest part until too late. I did not even realize the riddle was meant for me until too late. I thought I had merely happened to overhear it, when in truth it was I who was overheard. So I sold my riddle to another, and that is when the wreckage of my life passed beyond retrieval." Snape's voice was still distant, sounding more abstracted than sorrowful. "And even now, I understand nothing of importance. Tell me, Miss Felthorne, suppose a man were carrying a knife, and he tripped over a baby and stabbed himself. Would you say that the baby had," Snape's voice lowered, as though he were imitating some still deeper voice, "THE POWER TO VANQUISH him?"

"Um... no?" she said hesitantly.

"Then what does it mean to have the power to vanquish someone?"

Rianne considered the puzzle. (Wishing, not for the first time in her life, that she had chosen Ravenclaw and to perdition with her parents' disapproval; but the Sorting Hat had never offered her Gryffindor.) "Well..." Rianne said. She was having trouble putting her thoughts into words. "It means you've got the power, but you don't have to do it. It means you could do it if you tried -"

"Choice," the Potions Master said in the same faraway voice, as though he wasn't really talking to her at all. "There will be a choice. That is what the riddle seems to imply. And that choice is not a foregone conclusion to the chooser, for the riddle does not say, will vanquish, but rather the power to vanquish. How would a grown man mark a baby as his equal?"

"What?" said Rianne. She didn't understand that at all.

"Marking a baby is simple. Any strong Dark curse would produce a lasting scar. But such may be done to any child. What mark would signify that a baby was your equal? "

quote:

The Potions Master stood up from the sofa, the weight of his presence vanishing from beside her. He turned and drew his wand from his robes, pointing it at her.

"Wait -" she said. "Before that -"

Somehow it was unbelievably hard to take the first step from fantasy to reality, from imagining to doing. Even if it was only one step and would never go any further. The gap stretched like the distance between two mountains.

The Sorting Hat had never offered her Gryffindor...

...was it fair that thus a woman's life be judged?

If you can't say it now, when you won't even remember it afterward - when nothing will continue from this moment, just as if you were to die - then when will you ever say it, to anyone?

"Can I have a kiss first?" said Rianne Felthorne.

Snape's black eyes studied her so intensely that her blush started to reach all the way to her chest, and she wondered if he knew perfectly well that she was still being weak, and it wasn't a kiss she'd truly wanted.

"Why not," the Potions Master said quietly, and he leaned his head down over the sofa and kissed her.

It was nothing like she'd imagined. In her fantasies Snape's kisses were fierce, seized from her, but this was - it was just awkward, actually. Snape's lips pressed down too hard on hers, forcing them back against her teeth, and the angle wasn't right and their noses were sort of bending and his lips were too tight and -

Only as the Potions Master straightened back up again, raising his wand once more, did she realize.

"That wasn't -" she said in a wondering voice, looking up at him. "That wasn't - was it - your first -"

Rianne Felthorne blinked at the stone cavern she'd discovered, still holding the extraordinary ruby she'd found embedded in the dirt of one corner. It was an incredible windfall, and she didn't know why looking at the ruby made her feel so sad, like she'd forgotten something, something that had been precious to her.

# ? Dec 6, 2017 10:12

Darth Walrus: Feb 13, 2012

It helps that Natural 20 is about two equally insane magical settings intersecting - there�s no particular favouritism, just the bizarre arbitrary poo poo in D&D coming together with the bizarre arbitrary poo poo in Harry Potter to create utter insanity.

# ? Dec 6, 2017 16:30

Liquid Communism: Mar 9, 2004; коммунизм хранится в яичках

Darth Walrus posted:

It helps that Natural 20 is about two equally insane magical settings intersecting - there�s no particular favouritism, just the bizarre arbitrary poo poo in D&D coming together with the bizarre arbitrary poo poo in Harry Potter to create utter insanity.

The main character, despite being an intentionally cardboard cutout munchkin D&D character, comes off a lot more human that Yud's Potter, too. He can actually feel remorse, for one thing.

# ? Dec 6, 2017 17:55

90s Cringe Rock: Nov 29, 2006

Darth Walrus posted:

It helps that Natural 20 is about two equally insane magical settings intersecting - there�s no particular favouritism, just the bizarre arbitrary poo poo in D&D coming together with the bizarre arbitrary poo poo in Harry Potter to create utter insanity.

It helps even more that the police get involved.

# ? Dec 6, 2017 18:26

21 Muns: Dec 10, 2016; by FactsAreUseless

Seen on Tumblr:

# ? Dec 9, 2017 17:55

Fajita Queen: Jun 21, 2012

# ? Dec 9, 2017 23:47

Darth Walrus: Feb 13, 2012

90s Cringe Rock posted:

It helps even more that the police get involved.

Yeah, Fiona was a really cool addition to the cast.

# ? Dec 10, 2017 02:44

Hate Fibration: Apr 8, 2013; FLÃSHYN!

21 Muns posted:

Seen on Tumblr:

"I need to use orgasm denial to make this book readable. This says nothing about the quality of my literary choices"

-A Smart Person

# ? Dec 10, 2017 21:52

Mazerunner: Apr 22, 2010; Good Hunter, what... what is this post?

even robots write better fanfics than yud

# ? Dec 13, 2017 22:00

Fajita Queen: Jun 21, 2012

Mazerunner posted:

even robots write better fanfics than yud

This is real fuckin good.

quote:

Harry looked around and then fell down the spiral staircase for the rest of the summer.

# ? Dec 14, 2017 16:16

Xander77: Apr 6, 2009; Fuck it then. For another pit sandwich and some 'tater salad, I'll post a few more.

Chapter 77: SA, Aftermaths: Surface Appearances (part 1)

quote:

The boy walked into the office, step by deliberate step until the door closed smoothly behind him. "I can go anywhere I choose, with or without permission," that boy said. His voice seemed calm; too calm, perhaps. "I am in your office because I decided to be here, and to hell with passwords. You are greatly mistaken, Headmaster Dumbledore, if you think that I stay in this school because I am a prisoner here. I simply have not chosen, yet, to leave. Now keeping that in mind, why did you command your agent, Professor Snape, to break the agreement we made in this office, that he would not torment any student in her fourth year or below?"

...

Do you still not understand, Harry Potter? Each time Hermione Granger won, as you put it, the danger to her from Slytherin grew again, and yet again. But now the Slytherins have triumphed over her, easily and safely, without violence or lasting harm. They have won, and need fight no more..." The old wizard sighed. "So I had planned. So I had hoped. So it would have been, if the Defense Professor had not taken it upon himself to intervene. Now the dispute goes to the Board of Governors, where Severus will seem to conquer the Defense Professor; but that will not feel the same to the Slytherins, it will not have been over and finished in a moment, to their satisfaction."

quote:

"I confess," the old wizard said slowly, "that the thought of ruining a five-hundred-year-old House, and challenging a Death Eater to war to the finish, over a scuffle in a Hogwarts hallway, had not occurred to me, Harry." The old wizard lifted a finger to push back his half-moon glasses from where they had slid a little down his nose, during his sudden motion earlier. "I daresay it would not occur to Miss Granger either, nor to Professor McGonagall, nor to Fred and George."

...

"Obstacles mean you get creative, Headmaster. It doesn't mean you abandon the children you're supposed to protect. Let the Light win, and if trouble comes of it -" The boy shrugged. "Let Light win again."

"So might phoenixes speak, if they had words," the old wizard said. "But you do not understand the phoenix's price."

...

The old wizard turned and strode toward those stairs, and then looked back at where Harry Potter stood. "Come!" said the old wizard. There was no twinkle now in those blue eyes. "Since you have already gone so far as to force your way here uninvited, you may as well go further."

quote:

Within the room were pedestals of black metal, each bearing a moving picture, or an upright cylinder half-filled with some faintly shining silver liquid, or a lone small object; a scorched silver necklace, a crushed hat, an untouched golden wedding ring. Many pedestals bore all three, the moving picture and the silver liquid and the item. There seemed to be a good many wizards' wands upon those pedestals, and many of those wands were broken, or burned, or looked like the wood had somehow melted.

It took that long for Harry to realize what he was seeing, and then his throat suddenly choked; it was like the rage inside him had been hit a hammerblow, maybe the hardest hammerblow of his entire existence.

"These are not all the fallen of all my wars," Albus Dumbledore said. His back was to Harry, only his grey locks and yellowish robes showed. "Not even nearly all of them. Only my closest friends, and those who died of my worst decisions, there is something of them here. Those I regret most of all, this is their place."

...

Harry didn't know what to say. There had been nothing in his own life that was like this, and all the words seemed to fall away. He would find something to say if he looked, but he couldn't believe, in that moment, that the words would be meaningful. You shouldn't be able to win any possible argument, just from people having died of your decisions, and yet even knowing that it felt like there was nothing to be said. That there was nothing Harry had any right to say.

And Harry almost did turn and go from that place, except for the understanding which came to him then: that there was probably a part of Albus Dumbledore which always stood in this place, always, no matter where he was. And that if you stood in a place like this you could do anything, lose anything, if it meant that you didn't have to fight another time.

quote:

"There was a Muggle once named Mohandas Gandhi,"

...

"Only then I found out that Gandhi told his people, during World War II, that if the Nazis invaded they should use nonviolent resistance against them, too. But the Nazis would've just shot everyone in sight.

You do realize that the British Raj killed (as a conservative estimate) hundreds of thousands of Indians? And that non-violent resistance became an option mostly because violent resistance drowned in blood over and over again? That Gandhi's path could be said to have been equally influenced by practical concerns? That practically no one thought that the Nazis were in fact the genocidal maniacs of British propaganda - mostly because that was exactly how they've depicted the Germans in the previous war as well? That...

Ok, you get my point. Or at least I hope you do - in order for your dumb historical allegory to be relevant to the terribly contrived situation in your dumb fanfic, which in turn is a relevant illustration to your REALLY dumb theories about human behavior, maybe you should at least have some basic understanding of how history actually worked?

Never mind that there's a vast difference between someone who started his political prominence as a pacifist, and who actually fought a war and was so traumatized by the losses he endured that he became one (which is sadly extremely rare. Also, real societies aren't composed of PCs and NPCs, so a talented general retiring is not the loss of the only leader of Light)

quote:

"Although honesty compels me to say that dear Winston was never one for pangs of conscience, even after a dozen shots of Firewhiskey."

"The point is," Harry said, after a brief pause to remember exactly who he was talking to, and fight down the suddenly returning sense that he was an ignorant child gone insane with audacity who had no right to be in this room and no right to question Albus Dumbledore about anything, "the point is, saying violence is evil isn't an answer. It doesn't say when to fight and when not to fight. It's a hard question and Gandhi refused to deal with it, and that's why I lost some of my respect for him."

"And your own answer, Harry?" Dumbledore said quietly.

...

"Don't you see, if evil people are willing to risk violence to get what they want, and good people always back down because violence is too terrible to risk, it's - it's not a good society to live in, Headmaster! Don't you realize what all this bullying is doing to Hogwarts, to Slytherin House most of all?"

"War is too terrible to risk," the old wizard said. "And yet it will come. Voldemort is returning. The black chesspieces are gathering. Severus is one of the most important pieces our own side possesses, in that war. But our evil Potions Master must, as the saying goes, keep up appearances. If Severus can pay that keep by hurting the feelings of children, only their feelings, Harry," the old wizard's voice was very soft, "you would have to be most terribly innocent in the ways of war, to think he had made a poor bargain. Hard decisions do not look like that, Harry. They look - like this." The old wizard did not gesture. He simply stood where he was, among the pedestals.

"You shouldn't be Headmaster," Harry said through the burning in his throat. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but you shouldn't try to be a school principal and run a war at the same time. Hogwarts shouldn't be part of this."

"The children will survive," the old wizard said with tired old eyes. "They would not survive Voldemort. Have you wondered why the children of Hogwarts do not speak much of their parents, Harry? It is because there is always, within earshot, someone who has lost their mother or father or both. That is what Voldemort left behind, the last time he came. Nothing is worth that war beginning again even one day earlier than it must, or lasting one day longer than it must." The old wizard did gesture now, as though to indicate all the shattered wands. "We did not fight because it seemed righteous to do so! We fought when we had to, when there was no other way left. That was our answer."

"Is that why you waited so long to confront Grindelwald?"

Dumbledore makes up a story about his relationship with Grindy that will surely be shockingly revealed as untrued in 20 or so chapters. Meanwhile, Harriezer rejects your strawmen and substitutes his own.

quote:

"And that's why I can destroy Dementors and you can't," said the boy. "Because I believe that the darkness can be broken."

The old wizard's breath stopped in his throat.

"The phoenix's price isn't inevitable," the boy said. "It's not part of some deep balance built into the universe. It's just the parts of the problem where you haven't figured out yet how to cheat."

The old wizard's lips parted, and no words came forth.

Silver light falling on shattered wands.

"Fawkes gave me a mission," the boy repeated, "and I will carry out that mission if I must break the entire Ministry to do it. That's the part of the answer that you're missing. You don't stop and say, oh well, guess I can't possibly figure out any way to stop bullying in Hogwarts, and leave it at that. You just keep looking until you figure out how to do it. If that requires breaking Lucius Malfoy's entire conspiracy, fine."

...

The boy poked his head back in. "Would you mind switching on the stairs, Headmaster? I'd rather not go through all the work again to leave the same way I came."

"Go, Harry Potter," the old wizard said. "The stairs will receive you."

(Some time later, an earlier version of Harry, who had invisibly waited next to the gargoyles since 9PM, followed the Deputy Headmistress through the opening that parted for her, stood quietly behind her on the turning stairs until they came to the top, and then, still under the Cloak, spun his Time-Turner thrice.)

I love that final bit of detail.

Do you know how Harriezer made it through all of Dumby's defences entirely undetected? He used the all-powerful cheat items he gained through no merit or wisdom of his own. Aren't you terribly impressed?

That's all the time I have to write atm, but:

Mazerunner posted:

even robots write better fanfics than yud

Ron was going to be spiders. He just was. He wasn't proud of that.

The dark arts better be worried, oh boy!

# ? Dec 19, 2017 00:18

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# ? Jun 7, 2024 03:21

Epicurius: Apr 10, 2010; College Slice

Remind me, are we supposed to be sympathetic to Dumbledore here and hate Harry Potter? Because, if so, Yud is doing a good job.

To give Yud credit, though, the best paragraph is probably the first one, which isn't quoted.

quote:

The old wizard sat alone at his desk, in the unsilence of the Headmaster's office, amid the innumerable and unnoticed devices; his robes a gentle yellow, of soft fabric, not such clothing as he ordinarily wore before others. His wrinkled hand held a quill scratching away at an official-looking parchment. If you had somehow been there to watch his lined face, you would have been unable to deduce anything more about the man himself than you understood of the enigmatic devices. You might have observed that the face looked a little sad, a little tired, but then Albus Dumbledore always looked like that when he was alone.

There's something a little pitiful about that last line.

Epicurius fucked around with this message at 00:47 on Dec 19, 2017

# ? Dec 19, 2017 00:42

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > Let's Read: "Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality"

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