AUG Thread: AUGgam's razor

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > AUG Thread: AUGgam's razor

its all nice on rice: Nov 12, 2006; Sweet, Salty Goodness.; Buglord

Arcsquad12 posted:

Enough about blackheads, how about mangoworm parasites in dogs?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSPJa_-BurI

The guy who runs VetClinicGambia really seems like a good human being, and Fatou is lovely. Makes the removal of maggots from dogs very watchable.

I'm the assistant smiling as I grab handfuls of maggots. :stonklol:

# ? Nov 28, 2017 09:15

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# ? May 16, 2024 06:45

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

RatHat posted:

"More profitable to keep people sick so they keep buying medicine" is probably what they'd say.

...while buying medicine*?

*) That is actually poison, not medicine.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 09:22

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

Megabound posted:

Thanks for a link I'm never going to click on friendo.

Sorry, what thread are you reading?

https://i.imgur.com/lr10K6S.mp4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsZlJ3gNyMM

# ? Nov 28, 2017 09:23

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

Pinworms are nature's cummies.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 09:27

SulfurMonoxideCute: Feb 9, 2008; I was under direct orders not to die
🐵❌💀

Dr. Pimple Popper is great because she's so sweet and friendly and chatty with her patients.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 09:30

Sic Semper Goon: Mar 1, 2015; Eu tu?; Switchblade Switcharoo

Jerry Cotton posted:

...while buying medicine*?

*) That is actually poison, not medicine.

Always get the feeling when I read about such things that the person who states them will sooner or later recommend a pogrom against the Jews, on general principle.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 09:34

Megabound: Oct 20, 2012

syscall girl posted:

Sorry, what thread are you reading?

https://i.imgur.com/lr10K6S.mp4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsZlJ3gNyMM

I'm here more for the human garbage aspect.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 09:55

The Mighty Moltres: Dec 21, 2012; Come! We must fly!

its all nice on rice posted:

I'm the assistant smiling as I grab handfuls of maggots.

I'm the doctor mirthfully noticing that she has gloves on as I continue to squeeze maggots out of a dog's body with my bare hands while wearing a wedding ring.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 11:35

NoNotTheMindProbe: Aug 9, 2010; pony porn was here

Picnic Princess posted:

Dr. Pimple Popper is great because she's so sweet and friendly and chatty with her patients.

Coming from a country with universal health care it's pretty shocking see cysts of that size, especially on younger people. Al lot of the patients on her show can only get the treatment because Dr Pimple Popper subsidies their fees from the channel income.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 11:52

Arc Hammer: Mar 4, 2013; Got any deathsticks?

The Mighty Moltres posted:

I'm the doctor mirthfully noticing that she has gloves on as I continue to squeeze maggots out of a dog's body with my bare hands while wearing a wedding ring.

Eh, maggots are very clean anyways considering they eat dead flesh and clean wounds, so gloves really aren't necessary as long as you wash your hands before and after. It's more a matter of personal preference or if the dog has other parasites and infections.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 15:48

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I'm sure that dog is the pinnacle of health.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 15:52

Iron Crowned: May 6, 2003; by Hand Knit

well thread it's been nice, maybe one day I'll come back to laugh at fat nerds in bad clothes.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 16:39

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Is this what the thread has become? Well, okay, here's the tale known on Reddit as the "Dagobah Story."

quote:

OR Nurse here. This is kind of a long one...

I was taking call one night, and woke up at two in the morning for a "general surgery" call. Pretty vague, but at the time, I lived in a town that had large populations of young military guys and avid meth users, so late-night emergencies were common.

Got to the hospital, where a few more details awaited me -- "Perirectal abscess." For the uninitiated, this means that somewhere in the immediate vicinity of the rear end in a top hat, there was a pocket of pus that needed draining. Needless to say our entire crew was less than thrilled.

I went down to the Emergency Room to transport the patient, and the only thing the ER nurse said as she handed me the chart was "Have fun with this one." Amongst healthcare professionals, vague statements like that are a bad sign.

My patient was a 314lb Native American woman who barely fit on the stretcher I was transporting her on. She was rolling frantically side to side and moaning in pain, pulling at her clothes and muttering Hail Mary's. I could barely get her name out of her after a few minutes of questioning, so after I confirmed her identity and what we were working on, I figured it was best just to get her to the anesthesiologist so we could knock her out and get this circus started.

She continued her theatrics the entire ten-minute ride to the O.R., nearly falling off the surgical table as we were trying to put her under anesthetic. We see patients like this a lot, though, chronic drug abusers who don't handle pain well and who have used so many drugs that even increased levels of pain medication don't touch simply because of high tolerance levels.

It should be noted, tonight's surgical team was not exactly wet behind the ears. I'd been working in healthcare for several years already, mostly psych and medical settings. I've watched an 88-year-old man tear a 1"-diameter catheter balloon out of his penis while screaming "You'll never make me talk!". I've been attacked by an HIV-positive neo-Nazi. I've seen some poo poo. The other nurse had been in the OR as a trauma specialist for over ten years; the anesthesiologist had done residency at a Level 1 trauma center, or as we call them, "Knife and Gun Clubs". The surgeon was ex-Army, and averaged about eight words and two facial expressions a week. None of us expected what was about to happen next.

We got the lady off to sleep, put her into the stirrups, and I began washing off the rectal area. It was red and inflamed, a little bit of pus was seeping through, but it was all pretty standard. Her chart had noted that she'd been injecting IV drugs through her perineum, so this was obviously an infection from dirty needles or bad drugs, but overall, it didn't seem to warrant her repeated cries of "Oh Jesus, kill me now."

The surgeon steps up with a scalpel, sinks just the tip in, and at the exact same moment, the patient had a muscle twitch in her diaphragm, and just like that, all hell broke loose.

Unbeknownst to us, the infection had actually tunneled nearly a foot into her abdomen, creating a vast cavern full of pus, rotten tissue, and fecal matter that had seeped outside of her colon. This godforsaken mixture came rocketing out of that little incision like we were recreating the funeral scene from Jane Austen's "Mafia!".

We all wear waterproof gowns, face masks, gloves, hats, the works -- all of which were as helpful was rainboots against a firehose. The bed was in the middle of the room, an easy seven feet from the nearest wall, but by the time we were done, I was still finding bits of rotten flesh pasted against the back wall. As the surgeon continued to advance his blade, the torrent just continued. The patient kept seizing against the ventilator (not uncommon in surgery), and with every muscle contraction, she shot more of this brackish gray-brown fluid out onto the floor until, within minutes, it was seeping into the other nurse's shoes.

I was nearly twelve feet away, jaw dropped open within my surgical mask, watching the second nurse dry-heaving and the surgeon standing on tip-toes to keep this stuff from soaking his socks any further. The smell hit them first. "Oh god, I just threw up in my mask!" The other nurse was out, she tore off her mask and sprinted out of the room, shoulders still heaving. Then it hit me, mouth still wide open, not able to believe the volume of fluid this woman's body contained. It was like getting a great big bite of the despair and apathy that permeated this woman's life. I couldn't loving breath, my lungs simply refused to pull anymore of that stuff in. The anesthesiologist went down next, an ex-NCAA D1 tailback, his six-foot-two frame shaking as he threw open the door to the OR suite in an attempt to get more air in, letting me glimpse the second nurse still throwing up in the sinks outside the door. Another geyser of pus splashed across the front of the surgeon. The YouTube clip of "David at the dentist" keeps playing in my head -- "Is this real life?"

In all operating rooms, everywhere in the world, regardless of socialized or privatized, secular or religious, big or small, there is one thing the same: Somewhere, there is a bottle of peppermint concentrate. Everyone in the department knows where it is, everyone knows what it is for, and everyone prays to their gods they never have to use it. In times like this, we rub it on the inside of our masks to keep the outside smells at bay long enough to finish the procedure and shower off.

I sprinted to the our central supply, ripping open the drawer where this vial of ambrosia was kept, and was greeted by -- an empty loving box. The bottle had been emptied and not replaced. Somewhere out there was a godless bastard who had used the last of the peppermint oil, and not replaced a single loving drop of it. To this day, if I figure out who it was, I'll kill them with my bare hands, but not before cramming their head up the colon of every last meth user I can find, just so we're even.

I darted back into the room with the next best thing I can find -- a vial of Mastisol, which is an adhesive rub we use sometimes for bandaging. It's not as good as peppermint, but considering that over one-third of the floor was now thoroughly coated in what could easily be mistaken for a combination of bovine after-birth and maple syrup, we were out of options.

I started rubbing as much of the Mastisol as I could get on the inside of my mask, just glad to be smelling anything except whatever slimy demon spawn we'd just cut out of this woman. The anesthesiologist grabbed the vial next, dowsing the front of his mask in it so he could stand next to his machines long enough to make sure this woman didn't die on the table. It wasn't until later that we realized that Mastisol can give you a mild high from huffing it like this, but in retrospect, that's probably what got us through.

By this time, the smell had permeated out of our OR suite, and down the forty-foot hallway to the front desk, where the other nurse still sat, eyes bloodshot and watery, clenching her stomach desperately. Our suite looked like the underground river of ooze from Ghostbusters II, except dirty. Oh so dirty.

I stepped back into the OR suite, not wanting to leave the surgeon by himself in case he genuinely needed help. It was like one of those overly-artistic representations of a zombie apocalypse you see on fan-forums. Here's this one guy, in blue surgical garb, standing nearly ankle deep in lumps of dead tissue, fecal matter, and several liters of syrupy infection. He was performing surgery in the swamps of Dagobah, except the swamps had just come out of this woman's rear end and there was no Yoda. He and I didn't say a word for the next ten minutes as he scraped the inside of the abscess until all the dead tissue was out, the front of his gown a gruesome mixture of brown and red, his eyes squinted against the stinging vapors originating directly in front of him. I finished my required paperwork as quickly as I could, helped him stuff the recently-vacated opening full of gauze, taped this woman's buttocks closed to hold the dressing for as long as possible, woke her up, and immediately shipped off to the recovery ward.

Until then, I'd only heard of "alcohol showers." Turns out 70% isopropyl alcohol is about the only thing that can even touch a scent like that once its soaked into your skin. It takes four or five bottles to get really clean, but it's worth it. It's probably the only scenario I can honestly endorse drinking a little of it, too.

As we left the locker room, the surgeon and I looked at each other, and he said the only negative sentence I heard him utter in two and a half years of working together:

"That was bad."

The next morning the entire department (a fairly large floor within the hospital) still smelled. The housekeepers told me later that it took them nearly an hour to suction up all of the fluid and debris left behind. The OR suite itself was closed off and quarantined for two more days just to let the smell finally clear out.

I laugh now when I hear new recruits to healthcare talk about the worst thing they've seen. You ain't seen poo poo, kid.

tl;dr Don't shoot IV drugs into your taint.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 17:29

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

I just learned of and read that about a month ago, weird.

Also terrible.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 17:41

Radio Paranoia: Jun 27, 2010; It is now safe to turn off your computer.

Is there something about working in the *medical industry that just turns you into a wordsmith of horror?

I don't think I've ever read a badly written medical horror story and they all manage to straddle that line of "this is disgusting but I can't stop reading".

*Edit: VV Yeah, it did.

Radio Paranoia has a new favorite as of 19:48 on Nov 29, 2017

# ? Nov 28, 2017 20:13

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

Radio Paranoia posted:

Is there something about working in the medicare industry that just turns you into a wordsmith of horror?

I don't think I've ever read a badly written medical horror story and they all manage to straddle that line of "this is disgusting but I can't stop reading".

Did your phone autocorrect 'medical' to 'medicare'?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQidwFNluBw

# ? Nov 28, 2017 20:23

Theokotos: Jan 22, 2015; Fallen Rib

I'm not in healthcare, but my BA is in an adjacent field (psych); it's probably because you have to constantly provide coherent and informative write-ups of patients and events to communicate with your peers and coworkers. "Coherent" and "informative" are already the building blocks of good writing; having a genuinely interesting story to tell basically completes a "good writing" trifecta.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 20:25

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0JuihDKxNY

# ? Nov 28, 2017 20:26

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

Was The Knick just a pun leading to Thackeray nicking his abdominal artery?

# ? Nov 28, 2017 20:39

Laserjet 4P: Mar 28, 2005; What does it mean?; Fun Shoe

Radio Paranoia posted:

Is there something about working in the medicare industry that just turns you into a wordsmith of horror?

I don't think I've ever read a badly written medical horror story and they all manage to straddle that line of "this is disgusting but I can't stop reading".

elise the great has such sights to show you

Old thread, source of her avatar: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3469571

rodbeard posted:

The hosed up thing about black salve is it isn't even alternative medicine. It is an old medicine that got replaced by much safer treatments.

Funny how these people are usually all :byodame:

about toxins but have no qualms rubbing battery acid on their skin. It�s natural! :downswords:

quote:

Common ingredients of black salves include zinc chloride, chaparral (also known as creosote bush),[12] and often bloodroot, a plant frequently used in herbal medicine.[13] The extract of bloodroot is called sanguinarine, an ammonium salt which attacks and destroys living tissue and is also classified as an escharotic.

Laserjet 4P has a new favorite as of 20:50 on Nov 28, 2017

# ? Nov 28, 2017 20:42

Theokotos: Jan 22, 2015; Fallen Rib

[quote="�Laserjet 4P�" post="�478807196�"]
elise the great has such sights to show you

Old thread, source of her avatar: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3469571
[/quote]

Elise is a fount of AUG all her own :allears:

# ? Nov 28, 2017 20:50

cash crab: Apr 5, 2015; all the time i am eating from the trashcan. the name of this trashcan is ideology

Radio Paranoia posted:

Is there something about working in the medicare industry that just turns you into a wordsmith of horror?

I don't think I've ever read a badly written medical horror story and they all manage to straddle that line of "this is disgusting but I can't stop reading".

I was going to say the same thing. It was gross but weirdly good to read.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 20:53

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

Laserjet 4P posted:

elise the great has such sights to show you

Old thread, source of her avatar: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3469571

Funny how these people are usually all about toxins but have no qualms rubbing battery acid on their skin. It�s natural!

The craziest chemtrailer you ever saw is a methhead

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HV9gRFv5Kgc

Yeah, tell me about how you know there is a conspiracy so huge that every airplane mechanic is in on it but no one talks about it. Then try to make it so it's fractionally sensible. Why are we getting chemtrailed?

# ? Nov 28, 2017 20:59

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

syscall girl posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0JuihDKxNY

I've performed surgery on myself twice it was not fun and there was a lot of blood. Welp that was my autosurgery story god bless.

# ? Nov 28, 2017 23:49

SulfurMonoxideCute: Feb 9, 2008; I was under direct orders not to die
🐵❌💀

syscall girl posted:

The craziest chemtrailer you ever saw is a methhead

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HV9gRFv5Kgc

Yeah, tell me about how you know there is a conspiracy so huge that every airplane mechanic is in on it but no one talks about it. Then try to make it so it's fractionally sensible. Why are we getting chemtrailed?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ePLkAm8i2s

# ? Nov 29, 2017 00:33

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

Picnic Princess posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ePLkAm8i2s

Oh your god.

I knew he was a nutter and should have been expecting this but c'mon.

Jerry Cotton posted:

I've performed surgery on myself twice it was not fun and there was a lot of blood. Welp that was my autosurgery story god bless.

We're all glad you aren't dead yet. Not sure how exactly but keep on keeping on.

# ? Nov 29, 2017 00:48

Altared State: Jan 14, 2006; I think I was born to burn

Goons have weird illnesses

Chrs Gry posted:

Here's some more:

# ? Nov 29, 2017 05:59

Sandwich Anarchist: Sep 12, 2008

We Know Catheters posted:

Goons have weird illnesses

Did he like, shoot spinach into his mouth from the bottom of the can?

# ? Nov 29, 2017 08:17

Drunk Driver Dad: Feb 18, 2005

I'm legit mad that I've never had an ingrown hair to be able to pull out. It looks so satisfying.

# ? Nov 29, 2017 10:38

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

syscall girl posted:

Oh your god.

I knew he was a nutter and should have been expecting this but c'mon.

As with all conspiracy theories, there is a tiny kernel of truth to gay frogs. Due to lack of regulations, some pharmaceutical companies dump into rivers chemicals that can potentially affect hormonal levels of frogs and fish. Ironically, the audience of Alex Jones are mostly against any type of regulations, especially environmental ones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JRLCBb7qK8
FFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGSSSSS

Paladinus has a new favorite as of 11:00 on Nov 29, 2017

# ? Nov 29, 2017 10:57

Philippe: Aug 9, 2013; (she/her)

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHH

*punches desk*

# ? Nov 29, 2017 11:44

Mx.: Dec 16, 2006; I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!

Paladinus posted:

As with all conspiracy theories, there is a tiny kernel of truth to gay frogs. Due to lack of regulations, some pharmaceutical companies dump into rivers chemicals that can potentially affect hormonal levels of frogs and fish. Ironically, the audience of Alex Jones are mostly against any type of regulations, especially environmental ones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JRLCBb7qK8
FFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGSSSSS

you can't trick me, I know it was obama that turned the frogs gay
he's the antichrist, it's in the bible

# ? Nov 29, 2017 11:50

Veni Vidi Ameche!: Nov 2, 2017; by Fluffdaddy

Arcsquad12 posted:

Enough about blackheads, how about mangoworm parasites in dogs?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSPJa_-BurI

The guy who runs VetClinicGambia really seems like a good human being, and Fatou is lovely. Makes the removal of maggots from dogs very watchable.

I stumbled onto that video last week, I was relieved to see that dog get treatment. However, I went down the Youtube hole, and eventually arrived at "Spike." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnSAvOVifpU Warning; swollen dog testicles full of maggots. Poor Spike.

As an aside, what's going on in Gambia? Nearly every woman that wanders through his office (or works there) is beautiful.

# ? Nov 29, 2017 12:32

Pastry of the Year: Apr 12, 2013

Picnic Princess posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ePLkAm8i2s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJRKedSUHg4

# ? Nov 29, 2017 12:34

Twat McTwatterson: May 31, 2011

Theokotos posted:

I'm not in healthcare, but my BA is in an adjacent field (psych); it's probably because you have to constantly provide coherent and informative write-ups of patients and events to communicate with your peers and coworkers. "Coherent" and "informative" are already the building blocks of good writing; having a genuinely interesting story to tell basically completes a "good writing" trifecta.

ah yes tell us more about your BA

# ? Nov 29, 2017 13:01

ExecuDork: Feb 25, 2007; We might be fucked, sir.; Fallen Rib

Veni Vidi Ameche! posted:

As an aside, what's going on in Gambia? Nearly every woman that wanders through his office (or works there) is beautiful.

It could be pure chance. Or it could be selection. Those are basically the options.
The mechanism of selection could be anything from a very long list of possibilities. But, given this is humans on Earth we're talking about, I'm going to guess that somebody is a total rear end in a top hat here - the concept of the 'casting couch' has permeated even the veterinary offices of west Africa.

# ? Nov 29, 2017 16:10

Theokotos: Jan 22, 2015; Fallen Rib

Twat McTwatterson posted:

ah yes tell us more about your BA

Waste of time and money, much like yourself.

# ? Nov 29, 2017 17:03

Slime: Jan 3, 2007

WHAT THE gently caress

# ? Nov 29, 2017 17:57

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

Thread's over. Holy mother of christ.

That beats everything. Think of another gross thing that's shown up in this thread. Whatever it is, it's better.

# ? Nov 29, 2017 18:35

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# ? May 16, 2024 06:45

Randaconda: Jul 3, 2014; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Theokotos posted:

Waste of time and money, much like yourself.

# ? Nov 29, 2017 18:35

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