/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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CheesyDog: Jul 4, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

It's not kinship with older people it's called daddy issues

# ? Dec 13, 2017 16:56

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# ? Jun 13, 2024 02:18

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

With the 46-year-old, he's a recent widower so she's definitely a rebound.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 16:58

Darkhold: Feb 19, 2011; No Heart❤️
No Soul👻
No Service🙅

Solefald posted:

The age gap thing always bothers me a bit simply because I've always dated guys 10-15+ years older than me and I've never really had the same kinda issues I always seem to read about. It just sort of works and I often felt relationships with people of a similar age used to lead to way more weird emotional and power manipulation as what is usually described in this big age gapped relationships.

Not saying it doesn't happen, I figure maybe I've just been super lucky? Is it really that normal for age gaps to cause such an issue?

I'm 9 years older than my wife.* We had extensive talks about life stage/expectations/etc before getting married. Since we're not idiots we foresaw most of the issues and worked through the few that caused problems. Ten years and two kids later there's never been a moment where I thought there was an issue we couldn't work together on.

As noted by Palpek there's a reason we've never had to post on reddit.

*she does mock the poo poo out of me when I show her a story and point out the age gap and it's roughly the same as ours.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:08

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

Darkhold posted:

I'm 9 years older than my wife.* We had extensive talks about life stage/expectations/etc before getting married. Since we're not idiots we foresaw most of the issues and worked through the few that caused problems. Ten years and two kids later there's never been a moment where I thought there was an issue we couldn't work together on.

As noted by Palpek there's a reason we've never had to post on reddit.

*she does mock the poo poo out of me when I show her a story and point out the age gap and it's roughly the same as ours.

How old were you when you started dating

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:11

therobit: Aug 19, 2008; I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:12

Vargatron: Apr 19, 2008; MRAZZLE DAZZLE

therobit posted:

18

So when is he running for Senate?

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:21

Darkhold: Feb 19, 2011; No Heart❤️
No Soul👻
No Service🙅

Blade Runner posted:

How old were you when you started dating

19/28.

Yeah yeah I know. If I read about the details of my relationship too I'd think it was hosed up. Works for us for some reason though.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:22

fridge corn: Apr 2, 2003; NO MERCY, ONLY PAIN

Blade Runner posted:

If you're in an outright abusive relationship where your partner dictates the small minutiae of your life it would probably be better to leave that relationship, and so opening it is actually a good idea

Mostly, I'm saying it was dumb for you to put things forward as "issues" like jealousy or ownership when these are entirely reasonable things that are expected in a relationship. If taken to extremes then they're definitely bad and abusive, but you should leave that relationship; leaving abusive relationships is a whole other topic, but you still have way bigger problems if you're in one than this.

I don't have any jealousy or ownership in my relationship with my significant other, so you're saying that's bad?? 🤔

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:23

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

Darkhold posted:

19/28.

Yeah yeah I know. If I read about the details of my relationship too I'd think it was hosed up. Works for us for some reason though.

So what are you going to do now that your Senate run has failed

fridge corn posted:

I don't have any jealousy or ownership in my relationship with my significant other, so you're saying that's bad?? 🤔

If you care so little about your significant other that you and her have no say whatsoever in one another's lives and you'd be cool if you found them loving someone else, yes that is bad

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:27

Leon Einstein: Feb 6, 2012; I must win every thread in GBS. I don't care how much banal semantic quibbling and shitty posts it takes.

fridge corn posted:

I don't have any jealousy or ownership in my relationship with my significant other, so you're saying that's bad?? 🤔

Do you watch your SO bang your friends?

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:36

Captain Yossarian: Feb 24, 2011; All new" Rings of Fire"

Fridge corn is a really bad poster FYI

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:36

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

If you start giving handjobs to other people is that cheating or an open relationship?

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:38

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

fruit on the bottom posted:

If you start giving handjobs to other people is that cheating or an open relationship?

In this wild world of 2017 where everyone eats rear end, I assume hand beezies are basically how people shake hands these days.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:39

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Leon Einstein posted:

How broke do you have to be to date a 45 year old as a 19 year old (and vice versa)? I was seeing a woman whose mom met her dad when she was 18 and he was 60. She liked to talk about her dad hanging out with Frank Sinatra. It's not as cool as you think that your dad is an octogenarian and you're 23. Of course her sisters had boyfriends that were like 15 years older too. It was just weird to see that behavior normalized.

She went to college for music and he was decently connected in the city�s music scene. Doing shows with Blues Legends and being the Blues Legend barely pays the bills so his financial status as �backup sometimes studio musician for a blues legend� was bad enough she was basically his sugar momma.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:42

Darkhold: Feb 19, 2011; No Heart❤️
No Soul👻
No Service🙅

Now now we all know my age gap is the only moral age gap. It's everyone else that's wrong and creepy.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:44

LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

I'm sure a lot of age gap relationships work out just fine, but in the land of r/relationships, the age gap is generally a big part of the heart of the problem. Take this one for example. Sure you can't just simply scream 'age gap' and suss out the core issue entirely, but it feels like a big contributing factor

Me [41M] with my wife [31F] of ten years, how can I save my marriage?

quote:

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm writing this from a tempory account for privacy reasons.

My [M41] wife [F31] have been married for a little over ten years. We have two preschool age children, and I have kids from a previous marriage (widowed). For the first eight years the marriage was pretty good. We do OK financially and everyone is healthy. She is very attractive an quite a bit younger than me.

A little over two years ago, my wife was coming up on her 30th birthday, my oldest son was getting ready to graduate high school and go off to college, and we were in the process of moving away to another state for my job, and I had a vasectomy, which meant we were done having kids together. I don�t know if it was one or all of these things or what, but at that point she snapped and started having what I would call a mid-life crisis and has since checked out of our marriage. Instead of behaving like a 31 year old married mother, she wants to behave like a 21 year old single college student.

She wants to appear single. She doesn�t wear her wedding ring to school, study group, bars, weddings, shopping, travelling, etc. She has avoided being photographed with me like the plague, or appearing with me on any photos on Facebook, and if she is tagged in a photo that I am in, she will hide it from her timeline. On our wedding anniversary I posted our wedding photo and she hid that from her timeline and later claimed �I didn�t see it.� But she does regularly post photos of her with other guys.

She has started to take nursing classes at the local community college, which I think has given her some new purpose in life. She felt frustrated being a stay-at-home mom. Once she told me she wanted her nursing degree because her divorced mother to her to "never rely on a man for income�.

A few months ago she went to a bar with a friend [24 F] whom she met at the gym. The friend was having boyfriend troubles (they've since broken up) and �needed to talk.� About 1:00 AM I got a garbled text asking me to pick them up from the bar. When I showed up, the friend was at the bar with some random guy and my wife was nowhere to be found. I looked for her for 30 minutes and she finally came in from outside with no shoes and her phone was missing. Then she started vomiting all over the bar. I got her home, and the next day she told me two �cute guys� had asked them to join them at the bar and they drank with them all night, and after that she has no memory of what happened. I was very upset and told her that her �cute guy� could have taken her anywhere and done anything to her and she said �yes, I could have hosed every guy in the bar�. A couple weeks later her period came and she said she was relieved that she wasn�t pregnant. Now she has bacterial vaginitis which she never had before, (per webMD it could be from having new or multiple sex partners).

She has pursued a friendship with one of her classmates [M27 single] who is in a group of four students with whom she studies. I�ll call him Ronnie. They have exchanged hundreds of text messages about topics that have nothing to do with school, although nothing sexy or too personal. She has invited him to the movies along with others from her study group. Meanwhile if I send her a text message it will go ignored for hours.

My wife told me that her girlfriends from school were having a bachelorette party for one of their classmates �Anne�. It turns out my wife had organized the whole thing, bought all the decorations and gifts and made the reservation at a local bar to have the party. When she was leaving she said �fair warning, there may be guys there because I don�t know who Anne has invited�. Then the photos from the bachelorette party started popping up on Facebook, Ronnie was there with them. The next day I asked her who had invited Ronnie, and she said �I invited everyone�, which was a contradiction to what she told me the night before. I asked her how much she spent on the gift (Victoria�s Secret) and she lied and told me it was $80 when in fact it was over $150.

She no longer feels any domestic responsibilities. She usually does not cook, clean, or grocery shop (despite driving past the food store several times per day going school or the gym). A housekeeper now does all the cleaning, a sitter watches the kids, I send my shirts out to be ironed. I do the food shopping and most of the cooking and the kids do the rest. The big exception is when her family is coming for a visit, at which time she become Betty Crocker for a day to create the illusion that she is some great wife.

She rarely makes love to me or show me any physical affection. If I try to kiss her, I get her cheek or forehead. If I hug her, she does not hug me back but will pat me on the back. If I say �I love you �, she�ll reply �be safe�. In the rare instance she permits coitus (once per month maybe), the rules are clear: I cannot kiss her, make out, touch or see her breasts, touch her rear end or vagina, give or receive oral. I bought her some lingerie that she refuses to wear and has disappeared somewhere. She just lays there on her back, strictly missionary position, and it is �stick it in, and hurry up, you have three minutes� while she talks about other things, watches TV, or checks her phone.

Her phone and laptop are under tight password security, as well has her email accounts and social media (but I can still get into most of it ). She routinely deletes text messages, photos, etc. Last year she secretly made an appointment with a divorce lawyer to find out about custody of our children and how much money she would get from our investment properties (which I owned prior to being married to her). Later I confronted her about it and she admitted going to the divorce lawyer, saying she was �just doing some basic research�.

She spends money on very expensive handbags, shoes and clothes and then hides the packaging in the trash before I get home from work. She has run up thousands of dollars in credit card debt without my knowledge. She buys gifts for her friends, neighbors, family, acquaintances etc., but completely skunked me consecutively on our anniversary, my birthday, and Christmas (not even a card). When she gets caught spending she makes empty promises about selling things and paying off credit cards, but nothing ever materializes.

She takes vacations without us. She visits family and friends all over the country and some other countries, spending thousands of dollars, while I burn my vacation time to say home with the kids. I finally took one trip with one of the kids, and when she found out we were planning it she completely wigged out.

She has no respect for our private marital issues. She discusses our every private detail with neighbors, friends and family, and I�m sure they repeat it to many others. She badmouths me and mocks me to her friends and says things about me that simply aren�t true. She has nothing good to say about me.

I set us up with a marriage counselor and she had no interest in fixing our marriage or taking advice from the counsellor. She would just drone on and on about her childhood and other experiences, and she would recite every mean thing I had ever said to her that she accumulated from some argument years ago. Soon the counsellor's hour was up and we were right where we started.

I signed ups up for a Retrouvaille weekend (Catholic counselling for marriages in trouble), but the again the effort was all one-sided. At the beginning of the weekend she wrote that her goal was that we could �still be friends�, and afterward she wrote the best part of the weekend was the time she spent �alone with the priest�.

Our family doctor (she's a complete hypochondriac, constantly at various doctors), a neurologist and the marriage counselor have each suggested she take an anti-anxiety drug, but she refuses, because she �doesn�t like pills�.

So after so many months of this, I finally told her I had had enough, and I wanted a divorce. She got very upset and said she didn�t want a divorce, and that she would do better. Lately she has been cooking a little more and making some effort to be less hostile toward me. I actually started to get some hope that we could reconnect.

I asked her to stop texting/calling/studying with Ronnie and she agreed. Yesterday I found out she has still been texting/calling/studying with Ronnie. She has just been making a more of an effort to hide it.

I hate the idea of being divorced. I hate the idea of not having my young children in my life every day. I think I still love her and part of me just wants things to go back to the way they were.

Thank you in advance for any suggestions or advice.

tl;dr: Wife has lost interest in the marriage, when I ask for divorce she straightens up for a bit

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:45

Meme Poker Party: Sep 1, 2006; by Azathoth

A person of 31 years who marries a person of 21 years deserves nothing but ruin, and usually receives it.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:48

fridge corn: Apr 2, 2003; NO MERCY, ONLY PAIN

Blade Runner posted:

If you care so little about your significant other that you and her have no say whatsoever in one another's lives and you'd be cool if you found them loving someone else, yes that is bad

Well first off I love my partner dearly, more than anything in the world. But we are together because we choose to be together. Everything we do is our choice. I wouldn't force or coerce her into doing something she didn't want to do because she's free to make that choice herself. Oftentimes I'll will choose to do something that I don't particularly want to do because she wants to do it, but again that is my choice and I make that choice because I love and respect her and she treats me the same way.

If she decided to gently caress somebody else I would be distraught but she's free to make that choice. However, I know she won't make that choice because I choose to trust her completely. There is no ownership, only choice. There is no jealousy because there is no ownership.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:48

Arturia: Jan 24, 2017; Can't stop clicking circles

LadyPictureShow posted:

I'm sure a lot of age gap relationships work out just fine, but in the land of r/relationships, the age gap is generally a big part of the heart of the problem. Take this one for example. Sure you can't just simply scream 'age gap' and suss out the core issue entirely, but it feels like a big contributing factor

Me [41M] with my wife [31F] of ten years, how can I save my marriage?

Divorce is the only solution, this is so insane it makes me think he's making it up.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:49

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

LadyPictureShow posted:

I'm sure a lot of age gap relationships work out just fine, but in the land of r/relationships, the age gap is generally a big part of the heart of the problem. Take this one for example. Sure you can't just simply scream 'age gap' and suss out the core issue entirely, but it feels like a big contributing factor

Me [41M] with my wife [31F] of ten years, how can I save my marriage?

Oof. Dude, there is no saving that. Get the divorce.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:50

Barudak: May 7, 2007

There are all these words but all I take away from this is the two of them have a divorce edging fetish.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:50

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

Darkhold posted:

Now now we all know my age gap is the only moral age gap. It's everyone else that's wrong and creepy.

It is within human nature to be less brutal on people if they are there to speak in their own defense instead of some formless Reddit thing, but it is legitimately weird and bad that you were pushing 30 and started a relationship with a literal teenager

Maybe it worked out for you, but hoo boy is that still inherently hosed up and not something you should've gotten in in the first place

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:52

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

That's so mrafantasy.txt the only surprise is he's named Ronnie instead of Chad.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:53

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

LadyPictureShow posted:

I'm sure a lot of age gap relationships work out just fine, but in the land of r/relationships, the age gap is generally a big part of the heart of the problem. Take this one for example. Sure you can't just simply scream 'age gap' and suss out the core issue entirely, but it feels like a big contributing factor

Me [41M] with my wife [31F] of ten years, how can I save my marriage?

Lmao just divorce her you idiot. Make sure to keep a record of all the stupid poo poo she does that indicates her desire to abandon her children, too.

quote:

She just lays there on her back, strictly missionary position, and it is �stick it in, and hurry up, you have three minutes� while she talks about other things, watches TV, or checks her phone.

How the gently caress can you even have sex with someone doing that?

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:54

Vargatron: Apr 19, 2008; MRAZZLE DAZZLE

Are we saying that from the standpoint that a 20 year old doesn't have the maturity to handle the age gap? Because I know a few people who started dating at 25/35 and that seemed to work out just fine.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:54

Enfys: Feb 17, 2013; The ocean is calling and I must go

LadyPictureShow posted:

Me [41M] with my wife [31F] of ten years, how can I save my marriage?

In the rare instance she permits coitus (once per month maybe), the rules are clear: I cannot kiss her, make out, touch or see her breasts, touch her rear end or vagina, give or receive oral.

How does that even work? :confused:

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:56

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

fridge corn posted:

Well first off I love my partner dearly, more than anything in the world. But we are together because we choose to be together. Everything we do is our choice. I wouldn't force or coerce her into doing something she didn't want to do because she's free to make that choice herself. Oftentimes I'll will choose to do something that I don't particularly want to do because she wants to do it, but again that is my choice and I make that choice because I love and respect her and she treats me the same way.

If she decided to gently caress somebody else I would be distraught but she's free to make that choice. However, I know she won't make that choice because I choose to trust her completely. There is no ownership, only choice. There is no jealousy because there is no ownership.

lol

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:56

bamhand: Apr 15, 2010

Vargatron posted:

Are we saying that from the standpoint that a 20 year old doesn't have the maturity to handle the age gap? Because I know a few people who started dating at 25/35 and that seemed to work out just fine.

25 is finished college and has worked for 3-4 years. While 20 is not done with school yet. Those are pretty different.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:57

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

fridge corn posted:

Well first off I love my partner dearly, more than anything in the world. But we are together because we choose to be together. Everything we do is our choice. I wouldn't force or coerce her into doing something she didn't want to do because she's free to make that choice herself. Oftentimes I'll will choose to do something that I don't particularly want to do because she wants to do it, but again that is my choice and I make that choice because I love and respect her and she treats me the same way.

If she decided to gently caress somebody else I would be distraught but she's free to make that choice. However, I know she won't make that choice because I choose to trust her completely. There is no ownership, only choice. There is no jealousy because there is no ownership.

Oh this is good.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:58

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

fridge corn posted:

Well first off I love my partner dearly, more than anything in the world. But we are together because we choose to be together. Everything we do is our choice. I wouldn't force or coerce her into doing something she didn't want to do because she's free to make that choice herself. Oftentimes I'll will choose to do something that I don't particularly want to do because she wants to do it, but again that is my choice and I make that choice because I love and respect her and she treats me the same way.

If she decided to gently caress somebody else I would be distraught but she's free to make that choice. However, I know she won't make that choice because I choose to trust her completely. There is no ownership, only choice. There is no jealousy because there is no ownership.

You would be distraught because of your jealousy which stems from your feelings of ownership of her romantic affection

These are general emotions and not necessarily bad things, in the same sense that feeling anger over someone hitting you is not a bad thing, it's just reasonable

Really you're just going "I'm not gay I'm just a guy who enjoys having sex and romantic relationships with men and am uninterested in having them with women, what's gay about that"

# ? Dec 13, 2017 17:58

Darkhold: Feb 19, 2011; No Heart❤️
No Soul👻
No Service🙅

Blade Runner posted:

It is within human nature to be less brutal on people if they are there to speak in their own defense instead of some formless Reddit thing, but it is legitimately weird and bad that you were pushing 30 and started a relationship with a literal teenager

Maybe it worked out for you, but hoo boy is that still inherently hosed up and not something you should've gotten in in the first place

As I said I know full well how it looks but meh I'll continue to be happy in my marriage anyway.

Maybe wait a few years and I will have a story like the one just posted. I'll be sure to share with the thread so you can all mock me.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 18:00

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

fridge corn posted:

Well first off I love my partner dearly, more than anything in the world. But we are together because we choose to be together. Everything we do is our choice. I wouldn't force or coerce her into doing something she didn't want to do because she's free to make that choice herself. Oftentimes I'll will choose to do something that I don't particularly want to do because she wants to do it, but again that is my choice and I make that choice because I love and respect her and she treats me the same way.

If she decided to gently caress somebody else I would be distraught but she's free to make that choice. However, I know she won't make that choice because I choose to trust her completely. There is no ownership, only choice. There is no jealousy because there is no ownership.

This is one of those Poe's Law things where its so close to satire I can't tell if its real or not.

In case its real: the blanket concept that "People have free will" is not really a description of how relationships work. "Trust" and "boundaries" are not a subversion of free will - they're opportunities to contribute to a whole thats larger than the two halves. When people set out to damage the trust and boundaries of a relationship, they're breaking down the foundations of that relationship. Being "not cool" with that sort of behavior has nothing to do with being controlling. If you're both carrying a box together, and the other person wants to drop their end to go run off to get a handjob, its natural and appropriate to object to that choice.

In case its satire: you got me real good.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 18:04

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

Admiral Ray posted:

Lmao just divorce her you idiot. Make sure to keep a record of all the stupid poo poo she does that indicates her desire to abandon her children, too.

How the gently caress can you even have sex with someone doing that?

Quickly, apparently... Somehow?

Also I'm laughing that she's obviously loving other guys and the guy is either in denial about it, completely oblivious or so resigned he doesn't address it because it's so obvious.

Doesn't cheating mean she gets nothing? And if he's been documenting all this college age poo poo he's probaby a shoe in for at least partial custody?

# ? Dec 13, 2017 18:05

fridge corn: Apr 2, 2003; NO MERCY, ONLY PAIN

Blade Runner posted:

You would be distraught because of your jealousy which stems from your feelings of ownership of her romantic affection

These are general emotions and not necessarily bad things, in the same sense that feeling anger over someone hitting you is not a bad thing, it's just reasonable

Really you're just going "I'm not gay I'm just a guy who enjoys having sex and romantic relationships with men and am uninterested in having them with women, what's gay about that"

I would be distraught over the loss of a fulfilling relationship with a brilliant friend and companion. Where does jealousy factor into this?

# ? Dec 13, 2017 18:05

Solefald: Jun 9, 2010; sleepy~capy

The broke brains are coming from inside the thread.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 18:06

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

Outrail posted:

Quickly, apparently... Somehow?

Also I'm laughing that she's obviously loving other guys and the guy is either in denial about it, completely oblivious or so resigned he doesn't address it because it's so obvious.

Doesn't cheating mean she gets nothing? And if he's been documenting all this college age poo poo he's probaby a shoe in for at least partial custody?

In most states, bad behavior can swing the distribution of the marital estate from 50/50 in favor of the other party. If she's running around, he can probably get a good amount more than 50% of the estate because of it, but its highly unlikely that she gets absolutely nothing.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 18:08

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Coworker's (m38) wife (f30s) confronted me (f27) at my company's party. Boyfriend (M30) uncomfortable now, work uncomfortable.

quote:

Sorry if the title is confusing. I tried to write it as succinctly as possible. Thank you for reading this!

In February, I found myself getting very close to an older, male married coworker we can call James. I am a naturally flirty person and I know that the two of us got too close. We didn't cross any physical lines and we never did anything like sexted. Still, we were getting very emotionally intimate with one another, had long stares, flirted, and hugged goodbye a lot. We eventually talked it out and decided to keep our distance from one another. I was embarrassed about it and how it could've looked to other people at work and have been very professional since.

I also got a boyfriend in August! He's amazing. We have similar goals, lifestyles, and values. We are very happy together.

My company threw their holiday party over the weekend. It wasn't a big deal, but it was nice to dress up and go out with my boyfriend, who is very successful in his own field. Anyway, James had brought his wife to the party and I was nervous before about that, but figured it would be fine, I'll ignore her.

My boyfriend wound up hitting it off with James and it wound up being the four of us in a conversation. There was a lull and James' wife asked me if I still had a crush on her husband and then asked if I liked going after married men. You could tell by everyone's faces they were taken aback by these comments, too. I apologized and excused myself.

My two issues coming from this are that my boyfriend has now asked me a million questions about my relationship with James and what happened. He has accused me of having an affair with James and asked me point blank if I slept with him. I thought we had a good relationship before this, but now he looks at me differently.

Second, it is awkward with James again. We had gotten back into a nice friendly routine and now we are back to him ignoring me and barely looking at me unless necessary. We had one conversation Monday afternoon where we talked about what happened. I admit I was taken aback that he told his wife since we had promised to not tell anyone. I was angry that his wife brought it up in front of my boyfriend as it seems like she was trying to ruin my relationship and embarrass me. I talked about this all with him and he said we shouldn't be speaking anymore unless about work. Okay, his choice, but it makes work tense and awkward.

tl;dr: Got too close to a coworker earlier this year. His wife said something about it rudely at the party and now my boyfriend is upset and my coworker won't speak to me again. Help me!!

# ? Dec 13, 2017 18:09

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

My [37 M] wife [36 F] is thinking about ending our relationship (together 18y, married 12y). Desperate for advice. Relationships (self.relationships)

quote:

This might be rambling and messy, it's my first time posting in r/Relationships, so thanks in advance for any feedback.

Two months ago, my wife came home from work, visibly unhappy. I could tell something was off for a few days, so I asked what was up, and that's when she told me that she thought we were done, and didn't want to keep going. I listened to her as she explained to me how she felt unsupported by me, and didn't think I would have her back if she ever had a medical emergency. She didn't think I'd be there for her. Then she told me that she wished that I'd cheated on her so she'd have an excuse to leave me. I was crushed, but immediately recognized what the issues were and really vowed to address them. We've been living in a kind of stasis ever since. I'll try to outline her issues:

6 years ago, a mutual friend had their first child. We had dinner soon after visiting them, and she decided that she wanted to try for her own. Previously, we never wanted children. She openly admits that she doesn't like them, and I was always ambivalent towards them, so I didn't mind not having kids. I was shocked by the change, and her problem from that discussion was how I reacted. That I wasn't supportive, and she feels like I shut the conversation down without hearing her out. I admit that I was scared by the implications of the conversation and the change it would bring, but I spent the following week looking into the cost of day care, insurance, and all of the financial issues that would go along with it. When I told her that, she chuckled and said she didn't want kids anymore. We shared a laugh and I thought it was behind us. I've since had a vasectomy. When we spoke 2 months ago, she admitted that she still didn't want children, but she told her friends that she was especially glad she didn't have any with me.

About a year and a half ago, she decided to switch jobs. She used to be a software trainer, working from home and occasionally traveling to offices to train employees on the software her company sold. She didn't care for the culture there, and wanted to move on. After a few interviews, she found a good company, but the job was a pay cut, and she'd be commuting roughly 70 miles a day. I pointed out those issues, because we currently leased her car, and the mileage would be a problem. Because I wasn't initially behind her decision, she was really angry with me. I never tried to control her or dissuade her from taking the job, I just aired some things that we should consider. When we spoke 2 months ago, she told me that because of the way I handled the conversation about having kids, she viewed her job mobility as a way to have control over what she wanted in life. She really resents that I wasn't behind her idea.

We went on a trip in August to see the solar eclipse, and had a blast! The drive home was really stressful though, and we ended up stuck in an extra 12 hours of traffic because of a highway closing. We made it home, and the next day we were planning for a beach weekend with some of our friends. We went to Costco for supplies, and to be honest, I can't even remember what we were arguing about, but in the car ride home, we were just going back and forth until I yelled in frustration "I just can't do this anymore!" I didn't mean our marriage, I just didn't want to keep fighting, but I was too stupid to know how to ease the tension. We went on the trip, but there was tension, again unresolved. She has since told me that, for the first time in our relationship, she was afraid of me when I yelled in the car. It was devastating to hear, and I'm ashamed of how I behaved.

Compounding all of this, our beloved dog died in January of this year, at only 3 years old. He was the absolute focus of our lives. We got him as an 8 week old puppy and trained him as a Canine Good Citizen. We walked and hiked everywhere. Went to the dog park nearly every day, and made friends with a lot of other people we met there. The greatest time in my life was when we were camping on a lake island, just the three of us. It was perfection. The problem was that he used to get skin allergies, and a vet prescribed prednisolone. What we didn't know was that a very common side effect to prednisolone is that it can attack the pancreas. Last December, our dog seemed really off, lethargic, and not looking right. After taking him to the vet, he was diagnosed as diabetic. Generally it's treatable, but he was a really big dog at a healthy 130lbs. We had to hospitalize him to get him stabilized, which set us back $6000. We had pet insurance, but you still have to pay up front and get reimbursed, which takes time. After getting him home, we learned how to monitor his glucose, administer insulin, and restrict his diet. It was really, really stressful. I was driving home from work every day at lunchtime just to check his keto levels, to make sure he was responding to the insulin. No matter what dose we tried, we never got him stabilized. We was back in the hospital after a week, and then home, but again he crashed. We had to make the decision to let him go, and to this day, it's the single worst day of my life. I didn't feel this much grief when my own father passed away when I was 22. What I was unaware of was that while we were both grieving, she was still very angry at me about the new job issues, and she also didn't like how stressed I was about all of the medical issues with the dog. She has since told me that she's afraid of how I would react if she ever got sick, and she doesn't feel like she can count on me.

Lastly, a few months after the dog passed, she brought up the idea of selling our house and going back to renting. She runs our finances, and she doesn't see the value in owning the house we have, with the taxes we pay, and that it would be a better use of our money to go back to renting and then investing our surplus. Again, I was hesitant. I thought it was a step backwards, and didn't hear her out. I've since changed my mind, and even reached out to an old friend from the dog park who is a realtor. We're going to meet with her next week to see what our options are.

Since all of this came to light 2 months ago, I immediately started counseling. I never talked to a therapist before, and I think it's been really helpful, dealing with my communication issues as well as my grief, which I know has kept me in kind of a shell for the last year. My wife is also seeing a counselor, but we haven't gone to a couples session yet.

So, right now my issue is that I'm terrified of losing her. I love her with all my heart, and the thought of inflicting so much pain, without even being aware of it, is crushing me. I've been trying to use the tools I'm learning in therapy to deal with things, but the biggest problem I have right now is that my wife is just so angry with me that she doesn't think there's any sincerity in anything I do or say. She feels like I can only prove myself by how I react to the next big stressor in our lives, selling the house. Frankly, I'm scared that she's already made up her mind, and that regardless of what I do or say, she's going to go. She has also admitted that she says things to me to punish me and see me hurt, and it really does. I've always been more emotional and affectionate, and she never really was, and really isn't now. It wasn't always like this.

She also handles all of the finances, and I frankly don't know if I make enough money to live on my own. She makes about 30% more than I do.

Also, I'm at a point where I want to spend time with her and work on reconciling, but she's filling her weeks with activities away from home, yoga classes, happy hours after work, etc. I never, ever kept tabs on where she was or who she hung out with, but I'm in such a crisis that I'm afraid that she's just ridding herself of me. On one hand, she talks about plans for the future, where we'll rent when we sell the house, and other long term plans. On the other hand, we were sitting on the couch talking about a friend's elderly parents, when she said "See? We should just get divorced and be friends instead!" and I just don't know if she even wants me around.

Thanks again for listening, I really appreciate it.

tl;dr: My wife is thinking of leaving me and I just don't know what to do to show her that I'm changing for the better. I also don't know if she even wants me to.

Your wife is gone dude, just :sever:

and move on. She sounds like her anger is coming from more than two or three things over the last couple years, you've just started becoming aware of it.

quote:

She also handles all of the finances, and I frankly don't know if I make enough money to live on my own. She makes about 30% more than I do.

Hahahaha you moron. You don't know how much money you make?

# ? Dec 13, 2017 18:09

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

fridge corn posted:

I would be distraught over the loss of a fulfilling relationship with a brilliant friend and companion. Where does jealousy factor into this?

Tell your programmer to either get back to work or quit his crushing job, he's obviously phoning it in.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 18:09

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# ? Jun 13, 2024 02:18

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

fridge corn posted:

I would be distraught over the loss of a fulfilling relationship with a brilliant friend and companion. Where does jealousy factor into this?

In fairness, I think you're talking about the kind of unfounded jealousy that comes from insecurity, and the other guy is talking about the kind of feelings of jealousy and insecurity caused by cheating.

I think both can, and do exist.

# ? Dec 13, 2017 18:10

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