Post itt every time you lol that trump is president

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Post itt every time you lol that trump is president

Careful Drums: Oct 30, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

A Fancy Hat posted:

Folks, in addition to the FAKE NEWS awards being presented today, I am proud to announce my health test results. This is, well quite frankly there's some great stuff here in both awards. Because let's just.... let's look at the details of my health.

Age: 71. Wow, can you .... you've gotta be healthy to reach that age. That's what they're telling me.

Height: 6 foot 2. But actually some are saying I might be getting taller. Can you believe that? Most people get shorter in old age but the doctors said I might be 6 foot 3 by next year. Crazy how the human body works, and nobody understands it at all. It's a mystery, but we're living in the mystery every day. Making the clues.

Weight: 176 lbs. I admit I gained a little weight during the campaign, but I've lost all that and am back to my high school weight again. The numbers are all there folks, and we'll eventually release these to the public.

Now here's something. A lot in the fake news media have been claiming I have small hands. And that means, you know.... small other things. Which actually are uh... well they're pretty big on me. Ask Melania. Or you can actually look at these documents. The doctor wrote down "Donald Trump's hands are of exceptional size, as are some other organs. You know what I mean."

Everything else is in the top 1% of worldwide results. Brain power. Kinetic energy. S and T cells. Ovary production. The only exception is I'm very physically exhausted but I keep working hard. The doctors note says as much, that he's actually NEVER seen anyone working as hard as I am making deals for America. I compared my results to Obama and he's 235% less tired and almost 40% more golfing. Wow. The numbers speak for themselves here, folks.

satire really is dead

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:07

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# ? May 18, 2024 03:16

GABA ghoul: Oct 29, 2011

By the power of the People of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania

Office of Doctor R. Man

hereby decrees

Donald J. Trump

to have HUGE hands.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:10

Quote-Unquote: Oct 22, 2002

Raspberry Jam It In Me posted:

By the power of the People of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania

Office of Doctor R. Man

hereby decrees

Donald J. Trump

to have YUGE hands.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:12

A Fancy Hat: Nov 18, 2016; Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

It's legitimately difficult to mimic Trump because whatever batshit thing I come up with, Trump probably has something more insane in his head. So I exaggerate as much as possible, but still know in the back of my mind that he'll say something more hilariously awful.

I mean, Trump literally called Africa a shithole. How can you write something more damning of the man and more humorously ignorant than that? You could say something like "Ladies and gentlemen, the United States is pleased to announce we have declared war on China. Gye-na. Can you believe that? 1 billion people there, and we're gonna.... we're here for the oil and the factories. Our military buildup has led the Generals to victory in the War against Christmas, and now we're doing the War against Chinese. It's gonna be amazing, as you know the economy does very well.... really just tremendously well after a war."

And you know what? He might loving say that. And Fox News will say "Trump declares war. Good for US to get that oil and factories!" That's the world we live in.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:15

Grimdude: Sep 25, 2006; It was a shame how he carried on

Before I even saw that stupid look on Tucker's face last page, I knew that Republicans were just gonna turn this into a completely different argument by turning it into "lol why can't the president swear??"

"Grab them by the pussy" all over again. Literally evil imo.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:15

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

Careful Drums posted:

satire really is dead

lol

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:17

old beast lunatic: Nov 3, 2004; by Hand Knit

Grimdude posted:

Before I even saw that stupid look on Tucker's face last page, I knew that Republicans were just gonna turn this into a completely different argument by turning it into "lol why can't the president swear??"

"Grab them by the pussy" all over again. Literally evil imo.

Trump himself torpedoed this retarded argument when he immediately said immigrants from Norway would be great. Just in case you're on the fence about this being a racist comment lets bring up what everyone thinks of as the whitest place in the universe as a positive example.

hmbol

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:19

morningdrew: Jul 18, 2003; It's toe-tapping-ly tragic!

After weeks of talking poo poo to this guy it finally happened

https://twitter.com/rigidnips/status/951834239468818433

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:19

World War Mammories: Aug 25, 2006

mono posted:

After weeks of talking poo poo to this guy it finally happened

https://twitter.com/rigidnips/status/951834239468818433

you flew too close to the sun

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:20

UnfortunateSexFart: May 18, 2008; ð» ððð« ð·ððð·
ð ð ð ð« ð®ð ð¾ð ð ð¡ððð

Bust Rodd posted:

http://www.crackshackormansion.com/

It's not just you

The saddest part is that hasn't been updated and the prices are double now.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:21

Smirr: Jun 28, 2012

Results of Trump's physical are in -->

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:24

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

Avirosb posted:

I mean Duterte is bad and his death squads are bad and everything but America has been waging a literal war on drugs for quite some time now.

no, america has waged a figurative war on drugs which is really a literal war on black people.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:30

Kumo: Jul 31, 2004

A Fancy Hat posted:

And you know what? He might loving say that. And Fox News will say "Trump declares war. Good for US to get that oil and factories!" That's the world we live in.

A President cannot declare war thank God. He needs an Act of Congress, and China owns billions of our debt.

Kumo fucked around with this message at 17:36 on Jan 12, 2018

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:33

Burt Sexual: Jan 26, 2006; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Switchblade Switcharoo

Just checkin to see what ol dotard had on the schedule besides his physical....

4:35 PM
President Schedule The President and THE FIRST LADY depart Washington, D.C., en route to Palm Beach, FL
Joint Base AndrewsOut-of-Town Travel Pool

Of loving course

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:33

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Smirr posted:

Results of Trump's physical are in -->

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:33

A Fancy Hat: Nov 18, 2016; Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Kumo posted:

A President cannot declare War thank God. He needs an Act of Congress, and China owns billions of our debt.

Oh yeah, I'm not saying we'd actually get into a War because of him. But do you think he knows that fact? He seemingly thinks he's a King whose word is law.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:34

Kumo: Jul 31, 2004

A Fancy Hat posted:

Oh yeah, I'm not saying we'd actually get into a War because of him. But do you think he knows that fact? He seemingly thinks he's a King whose word is law.

I imagine it's been explained to him, dozens of times.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:38

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

Raspberry Jam It In Me posted:

By the power of the People of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania

Office of Doctor ~~R. Man~~M. Toboggan
hereby decrees

Donald J. Trump

to have ~~HUGE hands~~a MONSTER dong.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:40

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

Kumo posted:

A President cannot declare war thank God. He needs an Act of Congress, and China owns billions of our debt.

i dunno what inspired such immense confidence in the current congress, or congress in general.

the thing that's holding us back from constantly declaring war for trivial reasons is trump's enormous, all-consuming cowardice. he's unlikely to ever move on from twitter threats, but congress would be totally cool with it if he did.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy fucked around with this message at 17:48 on Jan 12, 2018

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:44

Teikanmi: Dec 16, 2006; by R. Guyovich

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:45

TulliusCicero: Jul 29, 2017

A Fancy Hat posted:

It's legitimately difficult to mimic Trump because whatever batshit thing I come up with, Trump probably has something more insane in his head. So I exaggerate as much as possible, but still know in the back of my mind that he'll say something more hilariously awful.

I mean, Trump literally called Africa a shithole. How can you write something more damning of the man and more humorously ignorant than that? You could say something like "Ladies and gentlemen, the United States is pleased to announce we have declared war on China. Gye-na. Can you believe that? 1 billion people there, and we're gonna.... we're here for the oil and the factories. Our military buildup has led the Generals to victory in the War against Christmas, and now we're doing the War against Chinese. It's gonna be amazing, as you know the economy does very well.... really just tremendously well after a war."

And you know what? He might loving say that. And Fox News will say "Trump declares war. Good for US to get that oil and factories!" That's the world we live in.

Do you work with the president? You are too good at this

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:47

Mr Ice Cream Glove: Apr 22, 2007

https://twitter.com/julianrouth/status/951856817575006208?ref_src=twcamp%5Eshare%7Ctwsrc%5Em5%7Ctwgr%5Eemail%7Ctwcon%5E7046%7Ctwterm%5E1

https://twitter.com/DavidNakamura/status/951856962534367232?ref_src=twcamp%5Eshare%7Ctwsrc%5Em5%7Ctwgr%5Eemail%7Ctwcon%5E7046%7Ctwterm%5E1

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:49

my new dog: May 7, 2007; by Nyc_Tattoo

During his interview with The Wall Street Journal, Trump acknowledged that recent talks between the two Koreas may be an attempt to drive a wedge between South Korea and the United States.
"If I were them, I would try," he said. "The difference is I'm president, other people aren't. And I know more about wedges than any human being that's lived."

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:49

FogHelmut: Dec 18, 2003

Kumo posted:

A President cannot declare war thank God. He needs an Act of Congress, and China owns billions of our debt.

You can move a lot of troops and drop a lot of bombs without declaring war. Good thing for them military service is voluntary.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:49

Smirr: Jun 28, 2012

my new dog posted:

During his interview with The Wall Street Journal, Trump acknowledged that recent talks between the two Koreas may be an attempt to drive a wedge between South Korea and the United States.
"If I were them, I would try," he said. "The difference is I'm president, other people aren't. And I know more about wedges than any human being that's lived."

that's a real quote, lol

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:50

old beast lunatic: Nov 3, 2004; by Hand Knit

president atomic wedgie

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:52

Kumo: Jul 31, 2004

my new dog posted:

During his interview with The Wall Street Journal, Trump acknowledged that recent talks between the two Koreas may be an attempt to drive a wedge between South Korea and the United States.
"If I were them, I would try," he said. "The difference is I'm president, other people aren't. And I know more about wedges than any human being that's lived."

Kumo fucked around with this message at 18:00 on Jan 12, 2018

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:55

cda: Jan 2, 2010; by Hand Knit

my new dog posted:

During his interview with The Wall Street Journal, Trump acknowledged that recent talks between the two Koreas may be an attempt to drive a wedge between South Korea and the United States.
"If I were them, I would try," he said. "The difference is I'm president, other people aren't. And I know more about wedges than any human being that's lived."

aahhhh

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:56

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

He does spend a lot of time in the sand traps

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:56

flashy_mcflash: Feb 7, 2011

[Ron Howard Voice]
https://twitter.com/ddale8/status/951797288548098049

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:57

old beast lunatic: Nov 3, 2004; by Hand Knit

The president has typed "Get smart" into twitter a few times lately. It's his new "you're fired"

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:58

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

my new dog posted:

During his interview with The Wall Street Journal, Trump acknowledged that recent talks between the two Koreas may be an attempt to drive a wedge between South Korea and the United States.
"If I were them, I would try," he said. "The difference is I'm president, other people aren't. And I know more about wedges than any human being that's lived."

??????????????????????

# ? Jan 12, 2018 17:59

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

old beast lunatic posted:

The president has typed "Get smart" into twitter a few times lately. It's his new "you're fired"

it's still not trump who wrote that. geez, how can you read his usual word salad and think the same person wrote those complete sentences? it's just that even though his social media guy is marginally smarter than trump, he is also a lying piece of poo poo like everyone in the administration.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 18:00

Cthulu Carl: Apr 16, 2006

Mr Ice Cream Glove posted:

https://twitter.com/DavidNakamura/status/951856962534367232?ref_src=twcamp%5Eshare%7Ctwsrc%5Em5%7Ctwgr%5Eemail%7Ctwcon%5E7046%7Ctwterm%5E1

I'm Mike Pence's "Just a little longer, it'll all be over soon" smile.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 18:01

old beast lunatic: Nov 3, 2004; by Hand Knit

gimme the GOD drat candy posted:

it's still not trump who wrote that. geez, how can you read his usual word salad and think the same person wrote those complete sentences? it's just that even though his social media guy is marginally smarter than trump, he is also a lying piece of poo poo like everyone in the administration.

I'm just saying I think "get smart" was his contribution

# ? Jan 12, 2018 18:01

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

my new dog posted:

During his interview with The Wall Street Journal, Trump acknowledged that recent talks between the two Koreas may be an attempt to drive a wedge between South Korea and the United States.
"If I were them, I would try," he said. "The difference is I'm president, other people aren't. And I know more about wedges than any human being that's lived."

# ? Jan 12, 2018 18:05

cda: Jan 2, 2010; by Hand Knit

# ? Jan 12, 2018 18:05

Mr Ice Cream Glove: Apr 22, 2007

I would have thought MSNBC would say shithole but so far CNN has said it in night shows and morning shows

# ? Jan 12, 2018 18:06

Solar Tornado: Aug 9, 2016; A true fool keeps on fighting, even when there is no more glory to be gained

old beast lunatic posted:

I'm now taking time to ponder all the good things murder squads have done.

If I read the US Police thread in GBS correctly, someone can just call the police saying there is a murder-suicide happening in the white-house and they'll take care of the rest.

# ? Jan 12, 2018 18:07

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# ? May 18, 2024 03:16

Reince Penis: Nov 15, 2007; by R. Guyovich

You okay over there Atlantic? lol

# ? Jan 12, 2018 18:19

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