Jokes that are good but you can't be bothered to develop a thread for

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POOL IS CLOSED: I'm just exploding with mackerel. This is the aji wo kutta of my discontent.

Drink-Mix Man posted:

Clicked, saw the site title before the page loaded, said "nope" and closed the tab.

it is very good.

the lipstick took me back for just a second before i realized what it was.

brought 2 u by Manifisto, mastercraftsposter of sigs

# ? Jan 11, 2018 23:15

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# ? May 11, 2024 10:23

wearing a lampshade

Instructor's Guide to Forklift Training

Constructive Feedback Test (check one)
Broccoli stuck in teeth. [ ]
Pant zipper malfunction. [✓]

Instructor's notes: Student was unwilling to acknowledge obvious pant malfunction, let alone provide feedback, despite being given an hour within which to do so. Instructor even used curriculum approved "Boy, sure is drafty down there" technique to confirm students awareness of the malfunction, but to no effect. Student was able to operate forklift well within acceptable guidelines despite these conditions. Not a team player.

Grade: D

# ? Jan 12, 2018 20:01

ghost emoji: oooOooOOOooh

overheard in the teachers lounge at Wayside School

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# ? Jan 12, 2018 21:47

Cubone: Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

Asia - Asia's Other Song That's Not Heat of the Moment (4:48)

# ? Jan 12, 2018 22:25

Cubone: Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

80's music/continents

Europe - Final Countdown
Asia - Heat of the Moment
Toto - Africa

# ? Jan 12, 2018 22:26

alnilam

Cubone posted:

80's music/continents

Europe - Final Countdown
Asia - Heat of the Moment
Toto - Africa

Men without hats - Down under

# ? Jan 12, 2018 22:28

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

alnilam posted:

Men without hats - Down under

Men At Work - Down Under, ya mean?

Unless we're doing a whole "mismatched artist/song title in Napster search results" schtick.

In which case, Depeche Mode - Bizarre Love Triangle.mp3

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# ? Jan 12, 2018 22:36

alnilam

Kthulhu5000 posted:

Men At Work - Down Under, ya mean?

Unless we're doing a whole "mismatched artist/song title in Napster search results" schtick.

In which case, Depeche Mode - Bizarre Love Triangle.mp3

oops ya

# ? Jan 12, 2018 23:10

Robot Made of Meat

Kthulhu5000 posted:

Men At Work - Down Under, ya mean?

To be fair, Men at Work seldom wore hats.

Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

# ? Jan 13, 2018 00:15

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

alnilam posted:

oops ya

Z'all good, mate.

Robot Made of Meat posted:

To be fair, Men at Work seldom wore hats.

It makes sense, really. You go that far "down under" and your hat will fall off your head.

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# ? Jan 13, 2018 01:56

Harold Fjord

Awkwardly asking Ben Folds if he likes the Mountain Goats.

# ? Jan 13, 2018 02:07

Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

Brick (Ben Folds) / Brick House (Commodores) mashup

# ? Jan 13, 2018 04:13

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

A guy at the soup lab measuring, poking, prodding, doing everything he can think of all to determine if this soup is hearty or rich. He's getting desperate. He isn't handling it well.

# ? Jan 13, 2018 05:23

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

A guy at the soup lab measuring, poking, prodding, doing everything he can think of all to determine if this soup is hearty or rich. He's getting desperate. He isn't handling it well.

Yeah, Technical Souping has hell labs, since it's designed to meet the needs of the very intensive and high energy soup industry. At least the ingredients are conventional and straightforward.

Creative Souping is more like crazy souping, though. Especially if you have a "creative" instructor who makes everyone draw special ingredients from a hat for their term project. I got pretty lucky by drawing poblanos and turnips, but one guy got cantaloupe and vegan "Gruy�re" and just broke down into tears.

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# ? Jan 13, 2018 05:54

Farecoal: There he go

just don't ask him if cereal is a soup

# ? Jan 13, 2018 05:54

alnilam

Farecoal posted:

just don't ask him if cereal is a soup

# ? Jan 13, 2018 17:22

cda: by Hand Knit

ghost emoji posted:

overheard in the teachers lounge at Wayside School

Has potential

# ? Jan 13, 2018 17:29

cda: by Hand Knit

Farecoal posted:

just don't ask him if cereal is a soup

It is

# ? Jan 13, 2018 17:30

Harold Fjord

Cream of Shredded Wheat

# ? Jan 13, 2018 17:34

alnilam

cda posted:

It is

# ? Jan 13, 2018 17:57

Ride The Gravitron: by FactsAreUseless

BYOB 2020
*a kitten in every hammock a nug in every bong.

*make America chill again

*yes we chill

# ? Jan 14, 2018 00:33

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

Santa Claus is giving a tour of his North Pole manor to a TV reporter. He points out the ornate wooden doors, each with a golden name plate on it, as they walk down a long way. "Oh yes," says Santa, "there are actually many Clauses! One for Mexico, one for Japan, one for Uganda...you name a place where Christmas is celebrated, and there is a relevant Santa for it!".

As Santa and the reporter walk down the hallway, they approach a door that is wide open. There is loud yelling coming from it. Santa's jovial mood changes and he says, insincerely, that it's almost noon and time for cocoa. So let's go to the kitchen? The reporter is intrigued. Besides, it's 10:30 in the morning, way too early for a cocoa break. She presses Santa to continue. Sighing, he gives in, and they walk to the open door.

Inside, the reporter beholds a scene of a fat man in an unbuttoned and wide-open Hawaiian shirt. He's naked from the waist down, except for a furry Santa Claus hat over his penis. He's barking orders at a man operating a camera, which in turn is aimed at a naked fat woman in a grey wig and spectacles, cracking a whip over the buttocks of a group of naked men crawling on the floor. Each man is wearing a collar and reindeer antlers. In the corner, two black gentlemen in tacky holiday sweaters and nothing else are observing the action while munching down a vegetable and ranch dip platter.

Quietly, in a low voice, Santa tells the reporter "This...this is 'Saint Dick'. He makes the Christmas-themed pornographic movies."

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# ? Jan 14, 2018 04:48

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

I don't think I have the hang of this villain thing.

I tried kidnapping a guy, but no one wanted him back so now he just works here.

I was planning a big heist of nuclear waste, but they offered to pay me to do it.

My weather machine fixed global warming..

I released a psychoactive gas into Metropolitan City: Crime is down twelve percent and art is up twenty two.

I sabotaged social media and people were forced to spend time with friends and loved ones.

My dick pill scam is working good though.

# ? Jan 15, 2018 05:32

Farecoal: There he go

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

I sabotaged social media and people were forced to spend time with friends and loved ones.

dear god...

# ? Jan 15, 2018 05:38

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

I don't think I have the hang of this villain thing.

I tried kidnapping a guy, but no one wanted him back so now he just works here.

I was planning a big heist of nuclear waste, but they offered to pay me to do it.

My weather machine fixed global warming..

I released a psychoactive gas into Metropolitan City: Crime is down twelve percent and art is up twenty two.

I sabotaged social media and people were forced to spend time with friends and loved ones.

My dick pill scam is working good though.

You gotta start small, I've found.

I tossed a bag full of peanuts all around a local park this fall, and so far it looks like the squirrel population is up about 5% or so. That's 5% more bird feeder raiding, maybe, and I think that's a pretty good burn on society.

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# ? Jan 15, 2018 05:50

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Kthulhu5000 posted:

You gotta start small, I've found.

I tossed a bag full of peanuts all around a local park this fall, and so far it looks like the squirrel population is up about 5% or so. That's 5% more bird feeder raiding, maybe, and I think that's a pretty good burn on society.

So like maybe squirt all the handsoap in the public bathroom so everyone has to sigh and say "Why is there never soap?" Four to six weeks later, BAM a bump in flu cases.

# ? Jan 15, 2018 06:02

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

So like maybe squirt all the handsoap in the public bathroom so everyone has to sigh and say "Why is there never soap?" Four to six weeks later, BAM a bump in flu cases.

That could work. Don't forget upticks in food poisoning and general fecal-borne illnesses, possibly.

A true villain would squirt out all the hand soap and leave it on the sink counter, of course, both as a means of mocking the public and maybe as a calling card?

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# ? Jan 15, 2018 06:42

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

Which makes me think that your foil might be a superhero who is insane about hygiene. Just going around, wiping down surfaces and forcibly scrubbing evil-doers hands. Of course, an evil-doer can be categorized as anyone from a bank robber to all those assholes who don't wash their hands.

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# ? Jan 15, 2018 06:44

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

SaniMan versus the Germ Lord brought to you by a poo poo load of cold remedies. Cold remedies supply both financial support and inspiration to the writers.

# ? Jan 16, 2018 20:40

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

SaniMan versus the Germ Lord brought to you by a poo poo load of cold remedies. Cold remedies supply both financial support and inspiration to the writers.

Philips (the electronics company) currently has not just one, but three (!), Star Wars-themed electric razors on its website. So frankly, anything goes in this crazy era of hyper-commercialization and cross-branding.

Which is pretty much a joke in and of itself, but not one worth developing a thread for.

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# ? Jan 16, 2018 21:01

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

A writer is chugging Scope to get 'all messed up on cleanliness' and the rest of the staff doesn't have the heart to tell him it is 100% non-toxic and alcohol free.

He goes into a fugue state from mint poisoning and creates the most touching arc anyone has ever written about flossing.

# ? Jan 16, 2018 21:24

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

I may be a simple country lawyer, but I know this: God put us here to love one another not to hate; a person needs clean air, fresh water, and exercise to live well; a life of greed is a great misery for you and all around you; and pears are sinful because they look like a titty.

# ? Jan 16, 2018 22:01

vanisher

I'm developing an augmented reality app which uses facial recognition and social media metadata to project images of shared likes onto a users cell camera or VR glasses. The goal being to create unique shared experiences between friends.

So far all it does it show pictures of cute dogs.

# ? Jan 16, 2018 22:20

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

A writer is chugging Scope to get 'all messed up on cleanliness' and the rest of the staff doesn't have the heart to tell him it is 100% non-toxic and alcohol free.

He goes into a fugue state from mint poisoning and creates the most touching arc anyone has ever written about flossing.

"It's like, like, I've got a peppermint freight train in my veins and my fingers are tingling and I've got to tippy-tappy-typey out this poo poo. I'm freaking out like a polar bear in a blizzard!"

Everyone in the office stares at his continuous manic outburst. An intern quietly chews on a mall pretzel.

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# ? Jan 16, 2018 23:17

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Kthulhu5000 posted:

"It's like, like, I've got a peppermint freight train in my veins and my fingers are tingling and I've got to tippy-tappy-typey out this poo poo. I'm freaking out like a polar bear in a blizzard!"

Everyone in the office stares at his continuous manic outburst. An intern quietly chews on a mall pretzel.

A suitcase full of uppers, downers, screamers, laughers, cleaners, and whiteners. Everything a fiending brush-hound could lust after. But more than that, we had a terrible need to blast ourselves clean like an obese accountant starting a purge diet on January 2nd we were going to flush out all the mental poo poo with this case of Altoids and two gallon baggies of breath strips.

# ? Jan 16, 2018 23:26

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

Speaking of THE WRITING PROCESS, Garfield creator Jim Davis talked about his "place of creative motivation" in a recent interview:

Jim Davis posted:

It was the late 1980s. I think it's safe to say I was riding high on success with the strip. Promotions, merchandising, a cartoon show...very lucrative, you know? But I was nagged by doubts. The money was great, but was this what I had really wanted the strip to be? A nationwide success that printed me money?

I setup a UNIX script on a Silicon Graphics workstation to keep the strip written and drawn, and took a month-long sabbatical to reflect on where I wanted it to go. My gut instinct was to go avant-garde. 1990 was just around the corner, after all, and how better to kick off a radical new decade than by radically changing Garfield? Nuclear wars, heavy metal starfucking, computer terrors, biting social commentary and critique about anything and everything...my mind was abuzz with themes and ideas I wanted to get down on the drawing pad.

And yet, still, doubts. I knew I could pull it off, but I still wasn't sure if I wanted to. But my dissatisfaction with the state of Garfield still remained. What an impasse! Then, by sheer luck, I met Cathy Guisewite (of Cathy fame) at a New York sushi restaurant. As we chatted, she told me about how she had her own doubts about continuing Cathy as it was. But then she went to Arizona, took DMT in the desert, and found her direction. She advised me to do the same.

So I did. I went to New Mexico (it was closer, it was desert, and I am anything but repetitious or a copier), got some DMT, and went into the desert. I lit a fire, brewed up some coffee, and lay on the bedroll I had brought with me. I relaxed, cleared my mind, and took a hit of DMT. I looked at the stars, waiting for a sign. Initially, nothing happened. I was beginning to doubt it would have any effect, and right at that moment the stars in the sky shifted into an outline of Garfield's. And then the color and the stripes filled in, and suddenly a giant Garfield head was staring down at me, in brilliant Technicolor.

It opened its mouth, and I saw a billion blazing stars swirling through a black void. And that mouth, that gaping maw, began to descend down towards me. I heard sounds that I will never be able to fully describe. 'Silver lemons', is what I thought, as the Garfield (or, as I began to think of him, the Starfield) swallowed me up. Suddenly, I was in a giant chamber, full of people. I quickly realized these were my past and future selves. We talked, we sang, and I made love to all of them at once, male and female.

And then, I met the Cosmic Knowing. A collective of beings, out in space (or outside of it), all-knowing, all-patient. I posed my query to them, and asked which path I should choose with the comic strip. To my surprise, they told me to stay the course. Maintain the Mondays, leave in the lasagnas. They told me I was a gear in the clockwork of the universe, a cosmic comic constant, and to change that would be to shake the heavens down.

That clarified things nicely. I came to right at dawn, the faint smell of smoke from the ashes of my fire and a field of rancid coffee vomit filling my nostrils, with a sidewinder laying across my chest. Not the worst morning I've ever experienced. I packed up, went home, and turned off the computer workstation. 'Take a break, old pal', I said, patting its chassis, 'daddy's in the driver's seat again.'

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# ? Jan 16, 2018 23:47

ghost emoji: oooOooOOOooh

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

I may be a simple country lawyer, but I know this: God put us here to love one another not to hate; a person needs clean air, fresh water, and exercise to live well; a life of greed is a great misery for you and all around you; and pears are sinful because they look like a titty.

# ? Jan 17, 2018 00:46

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

Kthulhu5000 posted:

Speaking of THE WRITING PROCESS, Garfield creator Jim Davis talked about his "place of creative motivation" in a recent interview:

ahahahaha

# ? Jan 17, 2018 00:56

wearing a lampshade

Kthulhu5000 posted:

Speaking of THE WRITING PROCESS, Garfield creator Jim Davis talked about his "place of creative motivation" in a recent interview:

Lmao please tell me this is real

# ? Jan 17, 2018 01:06

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# ? May 11, 2024 10:23

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

Wasn't sure til he ran into Cathy Guisewhite lololol

Cathy made me legit sad when I was a kid

E: giveaway should have been the Unix script bit I skimmed that the first time

Slush Garbo fucked around with this message at 01:20 on Jan 17, 2018

# ? Jan 17, 2018 01:15

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