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RagnarokAngel posted:There were also multiple of Jesus's foreskin. heavenly onion rings right?
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Jan 6, 2018 14:45
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A Wonderful Search Journey by the 40 principal modes of travelling in The World, and a Prize of £1000 offered for a Flying Machine. I have always been a man of one idea at a time, and that one idea I have followed with unwavering determination until success has rewarded my efforts. Now listen to my story:—A short time ago, much desiring to obtain a particular article, I determined to get it if it was possible to do so in this world, and so started on my search journey. I ran into Melbourne and asked  His Excellency the GOVERNOR of Victoria if he knew where I could get it, he said he did not but I might ask the RAJAH of Sarawak. I took ship to Sarawak, asked the Rajah, he said he did not know, but referred me to the MIKADO of Japan. I jumped into a boat, pulled  to Jedo, asked His Dual Majesty, Lord Paramount of Japan, and head of the Sintoo Faith, he said he did not know, but perhaps the TYCOON of Japan did. I got into a jimriksha and was trotted  away to the house of the unfortunate Tycoon, he said he could not help me, but referred me to the GREAT CHAM of Tartary. I jumped into a Chinese junk,  bore away to Pekin and saw the Great Cham of the Celestials, "Son of Heaven," "Brother to the Sun, Moon and Stars," "Father of Mankind," "Governor of the World" and head of the Confucian Faith. He condescendingly said he did not know, but maybe the TIANG of Nankin could inform me; I took a sailing wheelbarrow to the Centre of Wise Learning, saw the head  of the Taoist Faith, he could not tell me where to get it but perhaps the GRAND LAMA of Thibet could, I jumped on the back of a Yak, rode to Lassa,  interviewed the head of the Buddhist Faith he said he wanted one himself, but did not know where to get it, go, says he, to the CZAR of Russia, present my compliments and ask him for one for yourself and one for me. I took passage in a reindeer sleigh to St.  Petersburg, saw the CZAR, he referred me to his brother monarch the KEIZAR of Austria. I jumped on a horse, galloped away to Vienna, saw the Keizar,  he did not know, but I could try the QUEEN of England, I jumped into an electric train, made for the metropolis  of the world, saw Her Royal, Imperial, and Republican Majesty the "Queen of England," "Empress of India," Sovereign of Canada, Australia, and forty other countries, the most powerful and beloved ruler of the finest race of men, and the largest, mightiest, and grandest Empire the world ever saw. I now said to myself I surely shall get the article I want from the vast resources of Her Majesty, but in answer to my query she politely remarked that she did not think I should get in her dominions, but was almost certain that I could get it from the CHIEF of the Greenland Esquimeaux, I rose up in  a balloon, flew through the air across the Atlantic, saw the Chief, he could not say, but referred me to the VICEROY of the Dominion, I jumped on the back of a reindeer, trotted away to Ottawa, saw  the Viceroy, he was positively ignorant on the subject and referred me to the Mormon PROPHET. Got into an ice ship,  slid away over the snow to Utah, saw the Prophet, he had heard of it but did not know where I should get it, but I might at least ask the SACHAM of the Flat-Head Indians, I jumped into a dog-sleigh, scampered away, hailed the  Sachem, but he did not know, but perhaps the PRESIDENT of Peru did, rode on a one-man sedan to the City of Earthquakes,  saw the President, he did not know, but would I be so good as ask the EMPEROR of Brazil, I sprang on to the back of a llama, flopped away to Rio;  the American Emperor said he did not know himself, but surely the SHEIKH of Timbuctoo ought to tell. I jumped into a canoe, crossed the Atlantic,  reached the Negro city, asked the Sheikh, he said it was like my impudence asking him, how should he know such a thing? none of the traditions of the negro continent mentioned it, but if I thought such a thing existed I had better ask his Sublime Mightiness the SULTAN of Zanzibar, I jumped on the back of an ostrich, strode away to the  Isle of Beauty, saw the Sultan, he shook his head and referred me to the NEGUS of Abyssinia, I was carried rapidly in a head palenkeen on the heads of four  negroes to Magdala, spoke to the Negus, he referred me to the KHEDIVE  of Egypt, I got into a water-velocipede, trod away up the Red Sea to the city of the Pyramids, saw the Khedive, he referred me to the SHERIF of Mecca, I at once bestrode a donkey, cantered  away to the Sacred City, asked the custodian of the Precious Tomb of the Great Prophet, the query nonplussed him, and he desired me to wait on the IMAUN of Muscat, I mounted a camel,  ambled across to the hot city of the Imaun, he could not say but referred me to the RAO of Cutch, I made for Bhooj on a raft, spoke to the Rao, he  had not got one, but referred me to the GUICOWAR of Gujerat and considerately lent me a pair of ten-feet stilts for the  journey. I waded from the City of Dismal Swamps and finally reached Baroda on my stilts, saw the Guicowar, he had never heard of the article, but referred me to the HIGH PRIEST of the Parsees, I got into a sedan, was borne  to Bombay, saw the head of the Parsee Faith, he had not the article, did not believe that it existed, as it was not mentioned in any of the sacred books of the Parsees, but finally referred me to the BIBY of Canonore, I mounted an Elephant  stamped down the coast, addressed the Biby, she said it was the first time she had heard of the article, but the MAHARAJAH of Mysore might have one. I stepped into a palenkeen  and four men trotted away to Mysore, the Great Rajah said he had not got one, perhaps the NIZAM of Hyderabad could assist me. I got into a horse-sedan, went  to Hyderabad, saw the Nizam, he did not know and suggested the GRAND MAHUNT of Benares. I got into a horse-palenkeen, made straight for the  City of the Sacred Shrines, saw the head of the Hindoo Faith, he did not know where it could be got, but had I asked the THACKOOR of Bhrownnuggar? No!—or the Swat of Ackoond, or the Mudor of Cassala, or the Hospodar of Wallachia, or the Aboona of Gondar or the Patriarch of Constantinople, or the Archbishop of Canterbury? I said most decidedly not—that I would not waste my time consulting such insignificant magnates, then, says he, just you ask the GURO of the Sikhs. I jumped astride of a Bramah Bull, and  trotted away to Amritsar; saw the head of the Sikh Faith, he had not got the article, had not heard of it, but advised me to apply to the AMEER of Afghanistan. I got into an ox dooly and at  length reached Cabul, saw the Ameer, he had not got it, had not seen it, nor heard of it, did not believe the article existed, but the KHAN of Bokhara could speak more positively about it. I got into a Tocan or Hamockeen and was  carried by two men to Bokhara, interviewed the Khan, he said it was absurd for the Ameer to send to him, he knew nothing about it, but the SHAH of Persia probably did. I got into a mule sleigh,  glided away to Teheran, enquired of the Shah, could get no satisfaction, he never heard of it, was I sure there was such an article in existence? I told him that I wanted to find out, but I thought there must be somewhere. Oh, then, said he, try the CHIEF RABBI of Jerusalem. I got into a coach, tore away to  the Holy City of the Jews, asked the head of the Jewish Faith, he had not one, I had better ask the PASHA of Damascus. I jumped astride of a bicycle,  trundled away to the oldest city in the world; asked the Pasha, he could not say, I had better ask the EMIR of the Druses. I creeped up the Lebanon in a bullock-waggon, saw and asked the  head of the Druse Faith, he referred me to the BEY of Tunis. I got on to a tricycle, rode to Tunis, saw the Bey,  he could not tell, perhaps the POPE of Rome could. I jumped into a ship,  made for the Eternal City, asked the head of the Christian Church, His Holiness could not tell, perhaps the GRAND SEIGNEUR of Turkey might. I stepped into a railway steam carriage, swept  around to the Golden Horn; saw His Sublime Mightiness the PADISHAW, he said that he had not got one and never heard of it; but when I described to him, in clear, concise and glowing terms, the real value of the article to the whole human race, he said that every person black or white, or brown, or yellow, or red, or any other colour whatever, in the world, should have one and that it was the duty of all Kings and Queens and Emperors, and Sultans, and Czars, and Keizars, and Khedives and Khans, and Shahs, and Ameers, and Deys, and Beys, and Great Chams, and Grand Lamas, to see that every one of their subjects obtained one without delay. I said those were exactly my sentiments; but where was it to be got. He again graciously assured me that he did not know, bit I might ask the GRAND MUFTI of Turkey, the fountain of all human knowledge, and custodian of the sacred Koran. I tore along in a goat-carriage, interviewed the head of  the Mahometan Faith; but in answer to my query this Mighty Spiritual Magnate seemed taken aback; he affirmed that the Koran did not mention the article, and, therefore, he believed that it could not exist, but had I made a thorough search for it; had I tried the Dey of Algiers. I answered no! Had I tried the Doge of Venice—the Elector of Saxony—the Begum of Oude—the Stadholder of Holland— the Peishwa of Poona—the Nabob of Bengal—the Caliph of Bagdad— the Inca of Peru, or the great Mogul. I looked at the Grand Mufti in speechless astonishment; he might as well have asked me if I had enquired of Pharaoh or Nebuchadnezzer. I shook my head and rushed from his presence, completely nonplussed, bewildered, frantic. Where on earth was I to get the article? I had asked, and asked, and asked again, and was tired of asking. I had travelled fifty thousand miles by forty different modes of conveyance; consulted in their own capitals with thirty secular monarchs, governing three-fourths of the world; and I had with earnest, respectful enquiry approached the sacerdotal thrones of the spiritual monarchs of the eleven principal religions of mankind, and yet I could get no tidings of it. What was I to do? I was now standing in front of the great Mosque at Constantinople almost frantic with perplexity; some one approached and handed me a printed announcement. I read it! It sent an inexpressible thrill through me. I immediately took a steamer  for Melbourne, landed there, jumped into a cab, went straight to Cole's Book  Arcade, and saw a drawing of the very article I had ransacked the world over to obtain, and what do you think it was? It was a FLYING MACHINE! I wanted a flying machine, Mr. Cole informed me that he had not got his machine to fly yet, and that in all the world a machine was not yet invented that would fly, but that, through the active and progressive ingenuity of the human intellect, such a machine was certain to be invented in the future, and as an earnest of his strong conviction he handed me a document, which ran as follows:— October 31st. 1882 I, the undersigned, firmly believe that as man has already made machines to run over the land and float over the water faster than the swiftest animal, so shortly he will make machines to fly through the air as fast, and finally faster, than the swiftest birds do now. And I hereby offer a bonus of £1,000 to any person who shall (in consequence of said bonus) within the next two years invent a flying machine, to go by Electrical, Chemical, Mechanical, or any other means, except by gas, a distance of 100 miles, and shall come and stop in front of the Book Arcade, Bourke Street, Melbourne, Australia, as easily and as safely as a carriage stops there now. —E. W. Cole  Cole's Flying Machine A workable flying machine would be the grandest invention of the age. My offer may not bring it about, but suppose a shilling subscription was made throughout the civilised world; say twenty million people gave 1/- each. That would be one million pounds, and offer that as a bonus for a useful flying machine, that bonus, I am sure, would produce the article. The shillings would be well spent, and it would immortalise the twenty million people who put their names down. 
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Jan 6, 2018 14:50
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Krankenstyle posted:Definitely. Pre-christian European deities often had a physical component. Islamic diplomats mention a certain tree in Sweden that was important in Norse paganism. There's also supposed to have been a place on the Heligoland island (hence its name, "holy land"). Et cetera. Six thousand seven hundred tonnes of holey. Krankenstyle posted:i read somewhere, and its probably not true, but you are supposed to be able to build more than one cross from all the splinters in various reliquiae I would like to know how many different species of tree are represented.
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Jan 6, 2018 14:54
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classy as heck also theres a lot to work with lol
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Jan 6, 2018 14:57
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also it seems a lot of the animals he rides are stampeding
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Jan 6, 2018 14:58
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omg lmao that's a hell of a punchline Slugnoid posted:A workable flying machine would be the grandest invention of the age. My offer may not bring it about, but suppose a shilling subscription was made throughout the civilised world; say twenty million people gave 1/- each. That would be one million pounds, and offer that as a bonus for a useful flying machine, that bonus, I am sure, would produce the article. The shillings would be well spent, and it would immortalise the twenty million people who put their names down. 19th century crowdsourcing 
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Jan 6, 2018 19:40
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What's he got against gas powered aircraft
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Jan 7, 2018 21:10
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Milo and POTUS posted:What's he got against gas powered aircraft Presumably he referred to the phase of matter, not gasoline/petrol. Note that the chap took a balloon on one of his journeys.
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Jan 7, 2018 21:14
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Inescapable Duck posted:The joke is more that you could add up all the splinters and you'd have a forest, and absolutely accurate. complete misinformation, actually. here's a book (in French) by someone who tried to calculate the volume extant, based on that joke - according to a couple of summaries, it's equivalent to about 1/3 of a cross: https://archive.org/details/mmoiresurlesin00rohauoft
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Jan 8, 2018 00:19
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If we actually have to verify the things people say in this thread. Then we don't have a thread.
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Jan 8, 2018 00:26
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19th century Virgin vs Chad
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Jan 8, 2018 15:22
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Inescapable Duck posted:The joke is more that you could add up all the splinters and you'd have a forest, and absolutely accurate. Crusaders were a pretty credulous bunch. See also bones of saints and feathers from angels, and sometimes the Virgin Mary's milk. That reminds of a story from the first crusade. In June 1098 the crusaders were trapped in the city of Antioch. Food were running out and the morale was at an all-time low. Then Peter Bartholomew said that he was told in a "vision" that the holy lance was in Antioch and he even managed dig it up. This boosted the moral so much that the crusaders, led by Raymond of Aguilers holding the "holy lance", managed to break the siege. A lot of people doubted the authenticity of the lance though and Peter Bartholomew demanded a trial by fire. Twelve days later he died of the massive burns. Speaking of fake holy relics:  This is the throne chair of Denmark, it was built in 1671 and according to legend is made out of the horns of unicorns. Apparently the king of Denmark could build such a throne because he knew a place that were full of unicorns. Of course by that time the danes had known for at least 500 years that "unicorn horns" were really narwhal tusks, but they had kept their mouth shut because selling "unicorn horns" were very lucrative.
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Jan 8, 2018 18:46
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hackbunny posted:19th century crowdsourcing iirc this poo poo was actually pretty common then, a lot of random bonds sold for public works projects and poo poo. Just most of those were paying for things that had very predictable results, like building a small bridge.
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Jan 9, 2018 12:57
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Slugnoid posted:19th century Virgin vs Chad I don't... Like... What is this trying to promote? Teach your kids to buck up and take things they want instead of crying? Or is it some kind of actual advertisement for the book saying SEE HOW SAD YOUR KID WILL BE WITHOUT THIS!
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Jan 9, 2018 21:37
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That drat Satyr posted:actual advertisement for the book saying SEE HOW SAD YOUR KID WILL BE WITHOUT THIS!
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Jan 9, 2018 23:54
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RagnarokAngel posted:There were also multiple of Jesus's foreskin. Apparently it isn't even limited to Jesus. If memory serves there's enough finger bones of John the Baptist floating around to populate the hands of multiple people. There were periods in medieval Europe where all the cool and good churches had relics in the form of body parts of important people centuries gone. Since forensic science hadn't been invented yet there were people just grabbing any old finger bone from the graveyard and saying "yup, totes from John the Baptist!" or scam artists selling fake relics to churches that didn't have any. This is part of why some folks get pissy about things like carbon dating relics. If it turns out that that your favorite relic is multiple centuries too young to relate to the person it was supposed to be part of or belong to then it's a blatant fake. Kind of sucks to find out that that thing you've been revering for 800 years was a fraud.
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Jan 10, 2018 03:09
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Slugnoid posted:19th century Virgin vs Chad I looked up the kind of funny pictures the not Johnny Smith kid was missing out on and honestly I'd be crying too if I didn't get to look at this. 
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Jan 10, 2018 13:45
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RagnarokAngel posted:There were also multiple of Jesus's foreskin. The pope actually banned all discuscussio about Jesus' foreskin because two churches feuded about who had the right one.
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Jan 10, 2018 15:15
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It's all academic, since G-d turned the actual Sacred Prepuce into the rings of Saturn after Jesus's circumcision.
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Jan 10, 2018 15:44
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pidan posted:Heads are very heavy, which is why i ancient China they would allegedly collect ears off the fallen, which is allegedly why the Chinese character for "fetch" is an ear next to a hand: 取 (ear 耳 left, hand 又 right, 耳 still means ear, 又 means something else nowadays). I never understood what the bar wanted with the ears Hellcat Maggie brought to the bar in Gangs of New York. Presumably she was taking out people for Bill the Butcher? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAiif-W04Ig
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Jan 10, 2018 15:51
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Baron Corbyn posted:I looked up the kind of funny pictures the not Johnny Smith kid was missing out on and honestly I'd be crying too if I didn't get to look at this. 
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Jan 10, 2018 15:52
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Aesop Poprock posted:I never understood what the bar wanted with the ears Hellcat Maggie brought to the bar in Gangs of New York. Presumably she was taking out people for Bill the Butcher? Yeah, probably proof that she had taken out rival gang members.
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Jan 10, 2018 15:53
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She was a real person too, as a neat little fact, and wore brass fingernails and had filed down teeth to gently caress people up https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hell-Cat_Maggie
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Jan 10, 2018 15:57
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ToxicSlurpee posted:Apparently it isn't even limited to Jesus. If memory serves there's enough finger bones of John the Baptist floating around to populate the hands of multiple people. There were periods in medieval Europe where all the cool and good churches had relics in the form of body parts of important people centuries gone. Since forensic science hadn't been invented yet there were people just grabbing any old finger bone from the graveyard and saying "yup, totes from John the Baptist!" or scam artists selling fake relics to churches that didn't have any. At one point Vatican got pissy about the scam artists with their fake relics. Because they weren't getting their cut from the revenue stream.
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Jan 10, 2018 17:27
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Baron Corbyn posted:I looked up the kind of funny pictures the not Johnny Smith kid was missing out on and honestly I'd be crying too if I didn't get to look at this. You mean didn't get to Lear at that.
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Jan 11, 2018 01:24
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Der Kyhe posted:At one point Vatican got pissy about the scam artists with their fake relics. Because they weren't getting their cut from the revenue stream. As evidenced by the papal bull, 'Deus es damnos, populus'
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Jan 11, 2018 22:42
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Google app that finds your art doppelganger. Oops. 
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Jan 15, 2018 07:16
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Say Nothing posted:Google app that finds your art doppelganger. haha ouch
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Jan 15, 2018 07:20
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Remember that this is a painting where the artist tried to make the guy look as good as possible without making it unrecognisable.
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Jan 15, 2018 07:41
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Kinda the opposite of historical facts, but I was trying to research how folks in Europe started drinking (and being able to tolerate) milk and other dairy products, when humans conventionally only process milki as babies, and it turns out we only have theories as to how it wound up happening so fast, in evolutionary terms. The guy interviewed for that article posits that famine-level events forced people in European countries to drink milk and eat more dairy out of sheer desperation, and those who didn't poo poo their brains out and/or die from doing that survived over those who didn't. But as the guy points out, it's just a theory, and ultimately we'll never entirely know how ~30% of the world's population evolved something in 20,000 years.
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Jan 15, 2018 08:48
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Der Kyhe posted:At one point Vatican got pissy about the scam artists with their fake relics. Because they weren't getting their cut from the revenue stream. Relics and curses.
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Jan 15, 2018 10:58
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MisterBibs posted:The guy interviewed for that article posits that famine-level events forced people in European countries to drink milk and eat more dairy out of sheer desperation, and those who didn't poo poo their brains out and/or die from doing that as far as Im aware even lactose-intolerant people just get gas and upset stomachs not fuckin death. The Wikipedia article on lactose intolerance doesn't mention FATALITIES
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Jan 15, 2018 13:04
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InediblePenguin posted:as far as Im aware even lactose-intolerant people just get gas and upset stomachs not fuckin death. The Wikipedia article on lactose intolerance doesn't mention FATALITIES That’s because they don’t make a habit of consuming something that gives them those symptoms. If milk is the only thing you have to eat and you’re lactose intolerant, you are in trouble. Congenital lactase deficiency use to be fatal. Infants couldn’t digest their mothers’ milk.
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Jan 15, 2018 13:28
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Lactose tolerance is probably just a genetic mutation like blonde hair.
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Jan 15, 2018 13:32
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InediblePenguin posted:as far as Im aware even lactose-intolerant people just get gas and upset stomachs not fuckin death. The Wikipedia article on lactose intolerance doesn't mention FATALITIES In the modern era with access to clean water. Dehydration from having wet merciless splashpoop is a bigger issue in prehistory especially during high stress conditions (like famine).
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Jan 15, 2018 16:05
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Yo imagine the farts they had though 
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Jan 15, 2018 16:29
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Platystemon posted:Congenital lactase deficiency use to be fatal. Infants couldn’t digest their mothers’ milk. I'm sorry, what? How the gently caress did that not evolve out of the species?
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Jan 15, 2018 17:32
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This book sounds like a wild tripForeign Policy book review posted:The Doomsday Machine: Confessions of a Nuclear War Planner
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Jan 15, 2018 17:36
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The_White_Crane posted:I'm sorry, what? How the gently caress did that not evolve out of the species? It's probably a simple mutation that recurs with some regularity. It's not necessarily fatal, in any event. My mother had it and nearly died at the hospital until someone figured out what was wrong and began feeding her non-dairy formula.
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Jan 15, 2018 17:40
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| # ? May 15, 2024 04:55 |
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The_White_Crane posted:I'm sorry, what? How the gently caress did that not evolve out of the species? The same way a bunch of genetic diseases haven't evolved out of the species. Common mutations, recessive genes, the disease being down to a combination of issues that would only rarely happen etc etc.
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Jan 15, 2018 19:52
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