- loquacius
- Oct 21, 2008
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Just for fun, here's the Therapy Goon saga in its entirety, thanks to Gmail's search function and his code phrase
Gotta split it into two posts thanks to SA's character limit
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I had a weird thing happen to me. First things first. I'm a loser goon in his early 30s, like apparently in many of the anonymous confessions. Always the smart kid at school, always told that he'll amount to something one day but a chronic underachiever who ended up doing nothing with his life. I regret this every day now. I even still live with my parents. The whole nine yards. I'm not fat or goony-looking though, if you saw me on the street without knowing me you wouldn't think I'm the massive loser I am. Until a few days ago, the only contact I ever had with a woman was holding her hands for a few seconds.
My Birthday in September last year send me down a depressive spiral because I had the feeling my life will never change. Honestly, I was an inch away from killing myself. I then had a heartfelt talk with my only friend of ten years and came to the conclusion that I have been sabotaging myself my entire life. Many opportunities - career-wise or with women - just wasted because of my self-destructive tendencies and my self-loathing and fear of change. With age the chances became fewer and farther in between. Now I was here. 33, recently jobless and a kissless virgin. Often too anxious to even go outside the house. Wasting my life away with video games and lying to myself. What kind of life is this?
Instead of killing myself, I decided to give therapy a try at least. I live in a country where healthcare is provided to everyone so me being poor was not a problem. The therapists that are covered by my health insurance have to go to through quite a few hoops to get certified to get at that sweet, sweet insurance money so they're all psychologists with diploma, no energy-realigining or other new age nonsense if you don't pay out of your own pocket for it. I went shopping for therapists for cognitive behavioural therapy in my area, some didn't really seem to be a good fit, some others had waiting lists as long as my arm, but there was one I found who even had her practice nearby. She wasn't my first choice because I felt a female therapist would make me too shy to be really open about everything (especially my problems with women) and she is also very young, about my age (maybe a little bit older, maybe a little bit younger, I don't know) a blonde woman, quite cute. I ran out of options and didn't really feel like waiting 6-8 months to start with therapy because I know I'd just give up on it. She could offer the first few contact sessions immediately so I gave it a shot.
So the first few sessions came and went and it all felt kinda difficult and unpleasant but she came across as quite sharp and professional but still very friendly and I decided to go with her. We made quite a bit of progress in relatively short time and I was looking forward to my sessions because I started to get a different perspective on life, a life which I have apparently given up a long time ago. Honestly I didn't even know half of how needlessly difficult my life really was and how I was my own biggest enemy. We started not only talking about my problems but also about world and local events here and there for a few minutes. One time she stayed with me in her practice after she normally closes, and we chatted for a bit until the sun started setting. I found out that she studied in another state, wasn't in my city or doing this for long and didn't feel quite at home yet. She also told me about her two cats. (I have a cat myself) The tone was so different from how she uses to be, friendly but distanced. She seemed a lot more warm. Apparently her parents are wealthy and in the field too. I went home with a very nice and warm feeling that day for having a nice conversation with someone (very rare for me) but also somehow felt this was a little inappropriate maybe. I discarded the thought because no harm done, right? Who doesn't like to chat? For weeks afterwards our therapy sessions then had their normal 50 minutes again and we didn't chat much besides that any more, which kind of was a hint that this indeed was inappropriate.
I still always avoided the topic with women somewhat because it's an emotional minefield for me. Contrary to other goon confessions it's not really like I have zero experience with women, but more that they mostly were internet based (with only a few real meetings) and all overtly complicated and catastrophic. One time I even got scammed. I don't really like talking about it, let's just say I wasted a lot of time on people just not worth it. I again met a woman on the internet in the last months and this time the contact fell apart in the record time of only three weeks. I was crushed even though it was stupid to get my hopes up like that in such a short time, so I bought this up in therapy. I ended up getting very emotional (that's very rare for me, I got kinda cold and cynic with the years) pouring my heart out, about how often I got hurt in sometimes very brutal ways. How I am afraid that I will never know what a kiss feels like. I then told her how once a woman from another country came visit me and how this was the best week of my life, even though she rejected me romantically. I didn't really notice it then but when I described how I held hands with her I held my own hands and looked downwards at them. I was choking back tears because I loved that woman a lot and she just abandoned me like many other people in my life.
Suddenly my therapist was standing in front of me. She put her hands onto mine, pulled them apart and then put them into hers. I noticed how one of her thumbs was stroking gently over the back of one of my hands. Her hands were a bit colder than mine but this was still very nice. I looked up, my heart was racing so hard, I could hear it pumping in my ears. I was afraid I'll pass out any moment. She looked into my eyes with such warmth, then leaned down to me, closed her eyes and kissed me. On my mouth. All the impressions, the smell of her, her hair, her warmth, how her lips trembled a little bit before kissing me. It felt like an eternity, I froze. It was overwhelming. I am even shivering when I think about it now. After what felt like hours she then let go of my hands, stood up, visibly shaken and choking back tears herself and asked me to "please leave now" in that same non-professional tone of weeks before. I did without saying a word, stumbled out of her door, barely being able to put my jacket on. I'm not even sure how I got home, I was so out of it. I felt amazing, even though besides finding her generally attractive I honestly never did see her that way.
So this was last Wednesday. Our session is always on Wednesday. I am mortified of what will be next week. I expect a text or a call from her saying that we can't have the sessions anymore, which frankly would be hard for me. I have no idea what to expect and I am a bit horrified. Not saying this was a bad experience -it was amazing- But yeah. I have no idea how to handle this, or what to say. Or to say anything.
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Therapy goon here. She texted me this morning. Actually, she texted me two times. The first one was that she can't make the appointment on Wednesday but would like to see me on Friday afternoon if that was ok for me. About half an hour later I got another message (I didn't see the first one at that point, I don't check my phone often, nobody ever messages me) which detailed that she really thinks we need to talk "about everything" but that she can understand if I don't want to see her again and will respect it if I do not want any contact. She does think though that no matter what I should continue therapy and she could refer me to a colleague and also make sure I'll get a better spot in his waiting list. She then said that she really hopes to see me on Friday and asked that I reply if I am ok with this.
I really do want to talk about this to her so I replied that I'll see her on Friday, I got a "see you on Friday, thank you" nearly instantly as response.
I want to make clear that I'm not in love with her or anything like that. I was hurt way, way too often to just fall in love like that for a kiss. I barely even know her really. I do find her attractive, though. She's the pale, blonde, blue-eyed, petite kind of woman, which also means that I'm sure I could defend myself if she makes me uncomfortable. I am many things, "petite" is not one of them. I also don't plan on reporting her to anyone or tell anybody. I am very aware what she did was unprofessional and inappropriate, but I want to at least talk about it. I understand people make mistakes, I made a lot of those myself in my life. I can keep you guys posted if you're interested. Here's hoping I don't get raped and/or murdered on Friday!
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Therapy goon here. Yeah, well. When I got there first thing I noticed was that she wasn't in her usual office stuff but completely casual. Maybe it sounds like a weird thing to notice, but I never saw her dressed like that in the months I've known her now and that made it weird to me. Her make-up was different somehow too. It all made her look a lot younger.
She was obviously nervous. The whole thing was super awkward. We were barely making eye contact. Honestly, I just wanted to get up and leave. I felt very tense. It's funny because I first wanted to talk about this and when I was there, I suddenly didn't feel like talking about it at all. I would have been perfectly fine with having a normal session and just pretending that nothing happened.
Yeah, as goons said in the thread and I was also assuming, the gist was that she can't be my therapist anymore after what happened. She told me about her colleague for referral and that she respects him very much, the usual stuff. Didn't expect anything else, she's not gonna say "well I don't know him really but it's all I could do". Apparently he's quite a bit older than me and that might be a positive, too. When I was searching I somehow felt it was weird to have this therapist/client relationship with somebody my age or younger. That's probably my own hang-up, but yeah. What was important for me though is I won't have much interruption in my sessions, everything was set and I just had to say the word, she will take care of everything paperwork-wise and my therapy sessions as green-lighted by the insurance company will continue with him "at the very latest" next month. I don't know how it is in the US or elsewhere, but in my country that's a minor wonder. I had waiting times of on average 6 to 8 months quoted at me, and this worried me a lot. I didn't want to be yet another year older to continue this. The only alternative would've been a clinic and yeah, I am really not interested in that. My place was not that bad, and even if it was I wouldn't want to go into a clinic. So I agreed with her plan.
She apologized profusely in regards of mistreating our therapist/client relationship like she did and that it was very wrong and unprofessional behaviour of her. She also was meeting me off-hours today as she didn't find it right to waste my therapy session (and get paid I assume) to talk about this. I assumed the conversation would end here, and we would say our good-byes.
Yeah, but the conversation with her didn't end here. Turns out she apparently had a thing for me for a while, at first she thought it was a passing infatuation, but then it just got deeper with time and getting to know me better, she said what she liked but I don't want to repeat it. She started looking forward to seeing me, even knowing it was not right to feel that way. She tried to remain as professional as possible because she wanted to keep seeing me and helping me and I guess she did a good job because this came out of nowhere for me. Besides getting kissed by her, obviously. I might also be a very dense fucker. The more I think about it now, there more I see some possible hints for that, like the one time I had an eyelash stuck in my eye (I don't recommend it) and she helped me get it out and got really close with her face. Or how touchy-feely she always was, for example when I put on my winter clothes (we have brutal winters here) being with her hands all over my clothing and my scarf and collar, straightening them out while in conversation. Before you ask, yeah I'm able to dress myself, have been for a while now even! Dozen other tiny things like that where she came a bit into my personal space. I didn't think much about it and some people are just touchy-feely and always with their hands all over you and it doesn't really mean anything. Maybe it didn't mean anything anyways. Who knows.
But I didn't notice a thing. She said what happened last week was pretty much proof to her that she just can't remain at a distance. I touched her deeply and she just wanted to comfort me, she just felt that I needed her as a woman, and it made her so sad herself that I am so hurt, because she felt so close to me then, as stupid as that might sound. It did sound a bit stupid. I will not deny that I felt very touched though, but I also felt this was a bit weird and I really wasn't sure we even should have this talk or I even should know this. This is also normally the moment I run away from any kind of emotional closeness. I decided to ignore all those doubts this time.
She wasn't a therapist for me at that moment. I started calling her by her first name, I told her how I felt about it. I left the parts of being overwhelmed and maybe a little uncomfortable out, and put weight on the part about it being amazing a bit more, That it really gave me something. That I felt attraction too. Yeah somewhat of a white lie, or a slight distortion but whatever. I didn't want to make this more weird and complicated than it already was. Long story short, we agreed we are going to explore this together and that I will get to learn more about her. She said it's still inappropriate but that are feelings she will have to deal with herself. She wants to go for it, and we both don't want to have to regret not doing it. She seemed happy with that, and quite frankly, she looks even more gorgeous when she smiles.
I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I might be a sadbrains virgin loser, but I'm also aware this might end not so well and is not the best idea two people ever had together. I'm also aware she might be a bit weird for even letting this happen. I'm not that naive. But oh my god, I'm just so. tired. of being alone. A few weeks ago I noticed that some of my hairs are turning grey. I don't want to loving go my entire life alone without this experience of just being with a woman. You know what your dating prospects are as a 33 year old recently unemployed man who lives with his parents? Exactly. I'm also really loving tired of meeting women on the internet who live somewhere on the globe where I'll probably never meet them anyways. Very neurotic and weird women that often suffer from some kind of mental illness and/or are way too young for me. I'm tired of my "relationships" ending with dramatic typing and a block in some messenger program. It might work out for some people but I wasted way too many years with that poo poo.
On new years I sat with my parents (who are starting to get old very noticeably) and my boring as gently caress extended family, who are all too cheap for some proper fireworks for their kids so I spent the evening entertaining them with silly indoor poo poo. I then ended up going to my room and you know what I did? I cried, telling myself that I died and this is obviously hell, then begging God or Satan or whoever is listening to kill me because nobody ever should feel that alone. Admittedly, I had a few too many. But - I'm just so loving tired of always being alone with everything and that is my excuse, I do not know what hers is and also you know what, gently caress it. I don't even care. I've got nothing to lose. I want somebody I can do things with, share things with, and do sex things with and why not? She's smart, cute, she likes me. She's got a good career. She has a pulse. More than I can ask for already!
We talked some more, I wasn't so comfortable with talking in her office sitting in that chair and her sitting in hers and we agreed we should go elsewhere but not today, because I had to babysit my niece. Yes, I'm the weird uncle. She offered to drive me there, and I went for it. She drives a very nice car. After we arrived we kept sitting in the car and talked some more. I learned a few things about her. She's well-read, which I liked because I read a lot too (less since I got so depressed) and I rarely meet people who read or have read anything besides stuff like Harry Potter. A bit quirky and awkward maybe. I found that cute. Surprisingly chatty. I'm not sure if it is because she's probably the whitest person on earth but in the dim lighting she also looked absolutely stunning, especially her eyes. I felt pretty good about my decision. We kissed again. It went a bit farther than last time. I'm going to see her again tomorrow.
So yeah, maybe this is all very wrong. I won't even deny it but I'm currently listening to some BoC and I feel great. It's hard to explain. It's like a high. Nothing seems out of my reach. This permanent stress and pressure I felt all day, every day is just gone for now. I feel so young. I can't even remember ever feeling this way before. It's also funny that I always thought I'd somehow screw up french kissing. She seemed happy, I could feel it. We've been texting and I guess I'm going to change her contact to her first name now. Small thing but still a weird feeling, especially when I just look at the messages and how they're suddenly so personal and were just about some appointment things earlier. I'm not sure about tomorrow or next week or next month, today helped but of course I'm not completely past as seeing her as my therapist just like that and it sat in the back of my head the entire time. Things like she's got a file and notes with my name on it. I also don't know if I can bring this up to the other therapist. I think she knew for a bit longer what she wanted, on my side this entire situation is completely new. I don't want to dwell on it and I'll hold onto this as best as I can - because yes, I like her a lot. Let's see what happens tomorrow.
This was an incredibly dense day, felt like more happened today than the last four years. I'll probably proceed to freak out tomorrow, but today I had a great day. Is this alright? Can I have a great day? I think I can. Sorry for this long word salad.
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Therapy goon here. I thought I'd post an update since it was requested. I mostly lurk on SA. I didn't really do much of that either in the last weeks. The first date was a disaster and I thought that was the end of it, everything was suddenly super awkward, it was like a meeting an ex-coworker you are cordial with but don't really have anything to say to outside of work. Thank god we have somewhat similar views and interests and so actually ended up finding things to talk and bond about. We also have a very similar sense of humor and that helped a lot too, mostly in getting over the terrible awkwardness of it all. In the beginning we sort of kept pulling each other back into the thing when the other one wanted to run away. I am not sure in what other words to put it. That was just a very short phase though, since then we spent a lot of time together.
Things are honestly going well, but a few things bother me. She has a bit of a controlling and commandeering nature. I guess that is not the worst thing for me, as I am not the most disciplined person alive and can use a kick sometimes. She doesn't like me wasting my time and it's a lot of what I do and did. She constantly wants me to do things that are admittedly good for me and spend my time in more productive ways but I feel a bit crowded sometimes. This came up in therapy too of course but I have the feeling her therapist-her was a bit more patient and understanding in these regards and I'm not sure where some of that attitude comes from now. Well, maybe she was just more indifferent. I used to write but gave up on it like on most things. She read some of what I wrote and said it's great. I don't know about that but she pushes me to write more. Things like that. Maybe not incredibly useful but somehow I notice myself that I feel better when I do something, anything really.
She messages me all the time, constantly asking what I am doing and requesting to tell her more. If you want to have a confession here I have to secretly admit that I do actually enjoy all that attention she gives me right now very much, even though I am aware it is all a bit weird. I enjoy it because I have to honestly say nobody ever before cared that much about (or well, try "at all") what I do or think or for the fact that I even exist. Not even partially. Yes that's sad but well, that was my life. She also listens to me and engages me in conversation and I never really had that either with the women in my past. I don't really have the feeling I have to "win her over" or "entertain her", if that makes any sense to anyone. Talking to her is incredibly stimulating. She's smart, she's educated and it's just so rare for me to meet someone like that. We even had a conversation about freaking Koyaanisqatsi of all things that didn't include the statement that it was a "weird movie". We both were touched to tears by the falling engine part. What more could I possibly want? (I'm joking, but only a little bit) Anyways, I didn't even realize how starved for actual conversation I was.
Somehow we also skipped past the getting to know each other stage we agreed early on. After not even two weeks she just said something (I don't remember what it was) and added "but well, I'm your girlfriend, so". That part of the sentence I remember very well. I admit, I didn't protest and I am also not sure how you can protest without ruining everything but I didn't really feel like we were that far along and was a bit speechless. Maybe I'm a bit childish about this and there are no rules, I have zero experience. I'm just being honest about that. I'm also more laid back than her, she gets frustrated pretty quickly.
For example: We went to a restaurant, and my dish was a bit bigger and came with a side of salad. I said that this is a bit much for me. She said then "We will share, ok?" and without even waiting for an answer moved her chair over to mine and dug right into my salad. I said jokingly "hey I wanted to eat that", or something of that nature, I don't remember. I'm putting the stress on jokingly, I did not mind this. She dropped her silverware on her plate, moved her chair back and stopped eating then and there. I told her that it was a joke and she can eat whatever she wants from my plate, she just replied that she "doesn't appreciate such jokes" in such a flippant and angry tone I haven't heard from her before, while looking at me with the most piercing bright-blue murder-eyes which made me super uncomfortable. I was caught completely off-guard and instead of asking "what the hell" - Yeah, I apologized, without even really knowing why. Not my proudest moment. She accepted but she did not eat anything else, either from her or from my plate. Just sat there, looking upset and barely reacting to conversation. Needless to say, I didn't finish my plate either. I have never seen her quite like that or even imagined she could be that way and I am not going to lie, this was a bit scary. Especially the way she flipped so quickly into this mood.
She was a bit stand-offish afterwards, then that evening she whispered an "I love you" to me while we were watching movies at her place and it caught me so off-guard that I froze up. Nobody ever said that to me. I didn't know what to say and just replied something along the lines of "Yeah, me too" of course meaning I feel the same for her, not that I'm loving myself. Yes, like some bumbling idiot which I still cringe about when thinking back to it. Well, it made her laugh. She then went into this huge explanation about what happened earlier and how at her home eating at the table was sort of the rule and it was all a bit strict and super stressful and sometimes yelling was involved. Not sure what it had to do with what happened but I understood her childhood wasn't the best and there was some weird stuff going on there, it wasn't the first time this came up. Well, whatever. She apologized, but did vehemently deny that she was angry, which she obviously was. I didn't dig here, I felt very good with cuddling with her on the couch at that moment and it frankly just was not important. It's a strange side to her I didn't quite ever imagine she had. As private person she is very warm but below that slightly quirky exterior she is pretty high energy. There is also some anger and frustration I have seen so far shine through here and there that really surprises me. Also yes, an "I love you" after about three weeks, but alright. It doesn't bother me to say it. I feel very strong things for her and I just go along with the flow, because I have a lot of catching up to do.
..and yes, we slept together, yes we still do. Sorry, no horror stories or embarrassing details about "my first time". The worst part about it was buying and getting acquainted with condoms for the first time at the age of 33. I remember waking up in the middle of the night once because she tiptoed out of bed to go to the kitchen and I saw her from the back, Illuminated by the street lights, half-dressed and her hair all over the place. I don't know why but seeing her like that made me feel incredibly satisfied. I think that was also the first time I stopped seeing myself as some troubled kid who'll turn his life around some day and instead saw myself as the 33 year old man I somehow managed to turn into. That's what it took, somehow. I just didn't feel alone anymore.
I feel a lot less suicidal these days. I started thinking about my future again for the first time in years. The first time anyways where my future plans didn't end in jumping off some very high place. I am a bit scared about some aspects there especially since I feel it will be incredibly hard for me to work normally again and well, I'm not 23 anymore but I don't want to get into that, that's what my new therapist will be for. I feel a lot less bitter about "missed time" and I just want to try to make the best of the time I have now. It's not that I'm that old either. My mind even feels more acute, like some fog has been lifted. It's almost like my brain works better.
My parents couldn't be happier. I even told them she was my previous therapist and that's how we met and they simply just didn't care. They don't care when and if I come home, no questions asked. My mother wanted to know what she looks like and I showed her a picture. She looked at me with what I can only describe as joy and surprise. Her first words were "ohh, a blonde!". Well, yes. Thanks mom.
What actually bothers me really is the spending. I can't keep up. She has a lot more money than me, her family is also loaded from all I could gather. Maybe not rich, but certainly not far away from it. She lives in a nice place and also drives a very nice car, which makes me think mom and dad are spending quite some money on her still. I Just can't imagine she earns that much, I might be wrong though. I went through what little I can scratch together monthly in no time and she just keeps inviting me and paying for me and I am not very comfortable with this but she won't really take an no and tells me just to relax and not worry. I'm used to get the most value possible out of $5 and she just drops money anywhere and everywhere and it's just strange for me. I'm not comfortable with her spending on me and I will have to bring this up somehow, just not sure how. I also have to admit I've seen more of my city in the last weeks than in the ten years before because of this. She also gave me an expensive gift (about ~lower three-figure sum in dollars) for a hobby of mine. She knows from the therapy days that a big thing that bothered me is how nobody ever really gave me a genuine, thoughtful present my entire life. It was very thoughtful and she must have done some research, it's also not something you can just buy in the store so she must have been on the lookout since shortly after we started dating. I was very touched but kept feeling it was a bit much, and well- a bit crazy. Of course I didn't let her know or showed in any way because I didn't want to be an rear end in a top hat about it, she was super excited and happy and which rear end in a top hat says then "I can't accept this, this is too expensive"?
So yes, this entire thing is going super fast and I'm a bit overwhelmed. I maybe sound negative about it but she is a good person and does mean a whole lot to me and I want this relationship to work and I am 100% sure I want her in my life and share it with her but the speed of everything is a bit much for me and I'd wish she mellow down a little bit, especially with the money. I feel like an rear end in a top hat for writing this because it's somehow exactly what I always wanted, through sheer luck I got it now and I feel I just should be thankful instead. Maybe I'm just doubting because my experiences so far were very different. I also really, really want to be with her and it makes me very happy to spend time with her and all that stuff people in love say that's incredibly annoying when you're not in love yourself. I will spare you that. I guess I'll just see what happens.
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Therapy goon here. It's been a while.
I have a big problem.
I made the mistake to move in with her and she's in all aspects of my life. I have basically no private room any more. She is super jealous. I'm not allowed to talk or even look at any woman. I mean I can risk it but it's not a good idea if I want my peace. I am ashamed to admit but at first I even enjoyed her over-bearing stuff and even her jealousy and I didn't put a stop to it. I should have. I feel it's my fault things are like this now. I had never someone care that much about me and it was just so nice to have a woman constantly in my life and my business, interested about everything I say and do. I am sorry if that sound super weird, but yeah.
Now it's turning into a nightmare. A few weeks ago I came home from buying groceries and found her trying to get into my computer. Because I'm a hypernerd it's some needlessly complicated Linux setup and she couldn't figure out how to log in. She didn't even stop or apologise when she noticed I was there. You know what she did? She asked why I didn't trust her. Why I hide things from her. I should have reacted angrily but I was so flabbergasted that it somehow turned into this long talk in how I have trust issues and apparently some huge and unfounded need for secrecy. She then got all her mobile devices and gave me all her passwords to her accounts and basically put it like she will wait for me that I do the same and I'm not forced but should feel bad if I don't. She "corrects" my behaviour like that a lot. I didn't even want that stuff. I didn't give her any passwords. I get dirty looks when I use my computer. I don't care, that's the only private room I have here.
She has isolated me from my only friend, she basically kept nagging at me about spending time and talking to him until I gave up. I didn't even notice how it happened, I just suddenly noticed I don't spend anymore time with him. She befriended my parents, especially my mother. They love her. My mother thinks she's an angel who basically saved me. That she looks like one helps. I noticed she's very aware how she looks like and uses that innocent, cute image to her advantage. Even with me.
I basically can't go to my parents house without her tagging along. I basically can't go anywhere without her tagging along. She also drives me everywhere and basically means "it's unreasonable" when I want to walk. It's the excuse she uses to tag along.
She can switch to angry at the drop of a hat when something doesn't go her way or ruins "the perfect moment" she had in her head. She can just as fast switch back when the problem is resolved which is usually me doing something wrong or dumb. It creeps me out. She's still showering me with gifts and stuff and at this point I'd wish she'd just stop. We gently caress like rabbits though. I feel guilty about it how things are going but it is just so. Good. She uses this to manipulate me, too. I'm afraid I let her.
Now the big zinger: I knew a girl a few years ago. We were basically best friends for many years. Yeah it's the usual - I ended up wanting more and she didn't. She had a boyfriend. For a while she almost left him for me but then got cold feet. I got tired of her back-and-forth and for a while she also claimed she was single and I found out she was actually still together with her boyfriend all along and our friendship fell apart over this because trust was ruined. I really felt a deep connection with her and it made me very sad back then because I lost my best friend. I tried talking to her a few years ago via Facebook but she wouldn't reply.
Out of the blue she contacted me a week ago via mail and asked me how I am doing and wrote me a long mail about her life in the past years. I was ecstatic to talk to my lost friend and maybe reconnect. I have to admit, I loved her a lot and she was always "the one" and after that mail I'm not sure how I feel about her now. I made the mistake of telling her. (leaving out the love part mostly of course) She first listened to the entire thing calmly but then ended up getting furious to the point of insanity. She yelled at me. She asked if I'm going to leave her. She cried. She smashed a mug (and chipped the glass table in the living room) and ended up cutting herself on accident. Then she cried some more, smeared with blood. She was looking absolutely insane and I had to promise her that I won't talk to my friend and then I basically had to apply first aid and spend the rest of the evening hugging her until she would act normal again. Then it happened: She looked at me with this big blue eyes full of desperation and said she doesn't know what she's going to do if she loses me. I felt a chill running down my spine.
I might sound insane myself but I do love her. She is not a bad person although she is troubled. This changed everything though. I am scared of her and what she might do. I feel incredibly guilty about having my part in all this by not setting better limits. She has a lot of issues I didn't even detail. I would write more but I can't even. You know why? I'm writing and sending this in secret in the middle of the night. She's sleeping and I'm afraid she might wake up and see this. I can't even imagine what would happen then.
I want to talk to my old friend and I am going to confront her this week. I am not sure how but I will. I need to. I don't want to tell my therapist what is going on. Why is everything such a nightmare?!
oh man that "why is everything such a nightmare" brought back memories
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Jan 15, 2018 11:23
HE'S ALIVE
