/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

My mother was violently ill during her pregnancy with me. She was so sick her priest suggested an abortion.But she soldiered on, and I came along. She often said she would never have been able to forgive, or live with, herself if she'd had an abortion.

This lady is probably in the same mess. She's sick constantly, and thinks an abortion is the answer. But is she does that, odds are good she'll hate herself even more afterwards. Even if her husband agreed to it, the marriage would be destroyed because now she's mourning the child that she wasn't able to have. If she thinks she's suicidal now, the aftermath of guilt from an abortion will push her over the edge.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 08:59

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# ? May 28, 2024 00:15

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

I [20m] have a date planned with a girl [23f] who I started working with recently. There are quite a few red flags, and I'm wondering how best to handle the situation.

quote:

As the title says, I have a date planned with a girl who started working at my job recently. I have only worked with her a few times, and we've only really talked for a few days, but she already seems really attached. Here are a few examples of the red flags I mentioned:

She has brought up marriage and what she'll be like after we get married multiple times.

She has started talking about the kids we'll have once we're a little older.

She is already really clingy. I personally find a little clingyness cute, but this is too much to handle.

These are just some of the examples, but there are more. I should also add that she has a kid that she failed to mention until after the date was planned. These things are enough for me to not want to date her, but I don't know how best to go about it. I'm not sure if I should just tell her I'm not interested anymore, or wait until after the date to do it. I also don't want to hurt her in the process because she's a really nice girl, just not what I'm looking for. How would you recommend going about this situation?

TL;DR: Girl I have a date planned with showing red flags. Not sure how to handle it.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 09:33

Bored: Jul 26, 2007; Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.

Midnight Voyager posted:

Wait.

Me [32F] with my husband [31 M] of 4 years have very different backgrounds and little comments are concerning me

Holy gently caress, define middle class

What a piece of poo poo. :murder:

him. Then donate part of the massive payout (he is rich, he should have a high payout plan) from his "accidental" death to various charities for the homeless.

He apparently thinks that since his parents had two houses, only someone who is lazy wouldn't be able to afford one house.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 09:35

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

My [20F] boyfriend [17M] is going to prom with another girl

quote:

First I want to mention that we are a long distance relationship and have never met in person. We've been in a relationship for 7 months. He's a senior and going to prom this year. I don't mind that he's going at all. I really wish i would have gone to mine and I wouldn't want to take that experience away from him. He had told me early in our relationship that he was going to ask a family friend to prom and we have spoken about it in total 3 times. The last two times we argued about it. I was fine with him going with that family friend after he mentioned it the 2nd time. Today was the 3rd time and now he said he asked another girl to go with him. I don't know what to do and it hurts so much. I'm scared he'll leave me.

tl;dr boyfriends wants to go to prom with another girl

# ? Feb 6, 2018 09:38

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Me [27 M] with my girlfriend [23 M/F] 2 and a half years in relationship, get so turned on when my girlfriend spends my money?

quote:

I get extremely turned on when my girlfriend spends my money. I have good salary for standards in my country and I am in relationship for 2 and a half years. I just get so turned every time when she is buying clothes or anything else for herself. In fact, every time when she is spending my money on her. The more she spends, the crazier i get (in positive way). I just can't describe that feeling. It drives me as the strongest aphrodisiac. It is very hard for me to hide my erection when she is showing me new clothes or how good or sexy she would be in something new.

tl;dr: What is wrong with me? Why do I get so turned on when my girlfriend spends my money? Also, any suggestion how to confess this to my girlfriend?

This is a new one for me.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 09:43

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Danaru posted:

My [20F] boyfriend [17M] is going to prom with another girl

quote:
First I want to mention that we are a long distance relationship and have never met in person.

This one's easy. You were never in a relationship in the first place. Let your online friend go to prom with a girl he likes hth.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 09:48

Midnight Voyager: Jul 2, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

Blade Runner posted:

I think you're being a little nonsensically robotic about this. This is something that's a deal breaker for the guy, so the relationship would've ended if they didn't do it. She cared(or thought she did) more about the relationship than this, so she did it. Like, I don't know what you're actually saying, here; there were basically exactly two options between them doing this thing that is important to him or them divorcing. Should the dude have just dumped her upon finding out about this, or what? That's kind of reasonable, if so, but I feel like it's a little unrealistic.

She says they considered this from the beginning, so I assumed before they were married. Which is the time you should discuss stuff like that, I'd think, so you can avoid the whole "marrying someone with relationship dealbreakers" thing. With a marriage tying them together, I can understand the natural pressure to not break that tie, but still, pregnancy is REALLY big.

I'm just saying he should realize how things were messed up here for future decision-making. It was a bad decision, learn from it, etc. I'd have thought needing years of therapy just to consider doing it exactly once was a red flag. So was it being a real phobia. They had "many" conversations about it, this had to have come up in all of them.

I know people aren't rational with relationships, but they can still learn stuff from mistakes. Not just shrug and go "we wanted different things and it didn't work out."

and maybe I was a bit over-irritated over it. I've been suicidal, and I feel bad for the lady being pressured into doing something that puts her there when she didn't have to know that feeling. Especially with a therapist giving her what seems like zero help with suicidal thoughts. Therapist is the real jerk in this story. Husband just needs to understand how dealbreakers work, and that if it's truly a dealbreaker to the point where you can't compromise on it, he shouldn't try to convince his SO to agree.

Alan_Shore posted:

What did he say in that that you so strongly disagree with?

It feels like he's being a bit obtuse to say that me going "yeah, pressuring a lady into having your kid despite a phobia isn't great" is the same as saying "expressing you have a dealbreaker is like trying to coerce someone into sex." Which I am not, I'm saying that his desire for a biological child being a dealbreaker does not entitle him to pressure his wife into doing it anyway. (I'm taking her at face value here where she says she felt pressured, since I have no evidence otherwise) It should have broken the deal.

And saying she always had the option to say no while talking about a woman feeling pressured made my skin crawl.

Palpek posted:

Me [27 M] with my girlfriend [23 M/F] 2 and a half years in relationship, get so turned on when my girlfriend spends my money?

This is a new one for me.

Oh, look up Findom.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 09:50

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

Midnight Voyager posted:

She says they considered this from the beginning, so I assumed before they were married. Which is the time you should discuss stuff like that, I'd think, so you can avoid the whole "marrying someone with relationship dealbreakers" thing. With a marriage tying them together, I can understand the natural pressure to not break that tie, but still, pregnancy is REALLY big.

I'm just saying he should realize how things were messed up here for future decision-making. It was a bad decision, learn from it, etc. I'd have thought needing years of therapy just to consider doing it exactly once was a red flag. So was it being a real phobia. They had "many" conversations about it, this had to have come up in all of them.

I know people aren't rational with relationships, but they can still learn stuff from mistakes. Not just shrug and go "we wanted different things and it didn't work out."

and maybe I was a bit over-irritated over it. I've been suicidal, and I feel bad for the lady being pressured into doing something that puts her there when she didn't have to know that feeling. Especially with a therapist giving her what seems like zero help with suicidal thoughts. Therapist is the real jerk in this story. Husband just needs to understand how dealbreakers work, and that if it's truly a dealbreaker to the point where you can't compromise on it, he shouldn't try to convince his SO to agree.

It feels like he's being a bit obtuse to say that me going "yeah, pressuring a lady into having your kid despite a phobia isn't great" is the same as saying "expressing you have a dealbreaker is like trying to coerce someone into sex." Which I am not, I'm saying that his desire for a biological child being a dealbreaker does not entitle him to pressure his wife into doing it anyway. (I'm taking her at face value here where she says she felt pressured, since I have no evidence otherwise) It should have broken the deal.

And saying she always had the option to say no while talking about a woman feeling pressured made my skin crawl.

Oh, look up Findom.

I'd mostly say that someone pressuring someone else and someone else feeling pressured are different things. I don't know what anyone could learn from this, other than "break up way sooner next time" which isn't bad advice, but I can see why it's weird to try to apply.

Basically, for like a flowchart, it's just a matter of where the disconnect is; he wants something, she doesn't, he communicates that it's enough for him to break up, she does it because she cares more about staying with him. Should he just unilaterally say "Nope, we're done, then. No backsies, I'm not letting you change your mind on this because you'll regret it later." Realistically, yeah, he should; but there aren't a lot of people that rational with their decision making.

A better equivalency would be if she just didn't want kids in general and was willing to give it a shot because he wanted them. This is a bad idea, too, but it's not a one way street where the man dictates all things; he should've stepped back and said this couldn't work, but she's just as culpable for failing to realize that this just couldn't work out.

Basically, it doesn't seem like he pressed the point or forced her into it; it seems like he put on the table that it was going to be this way or they couldn't be together. It's understandable that she'd feel pressured in that situation, but what exactly is the guy supposed to do there if she tells him she wants to continue?

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:10

Midnight Voyager: Jul 2, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

Blade Runner posted:

Basically, it doesn't seem like he pressed the point or forced her into it; it seems like he put on the table that it was going to be this way or they couldn't be together. It's understandable that she'd feel pressured in that situation, but what exactly is the guy supposed to do there if she tells him she wants to continue?

The many conversations were a problem. If he just put it on the table and that was that, that would be one thing. Pressing the point would be having a bunch of conversations about it until someone caves, and it kinda seems like that's what happened here.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:13

LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

Guys, the answer is obvious. Haven�t any of you seen Godfather Part 2?

Kay �loses� her pregnancy, then eventually when Michael tells her to stop blaming herself for the miscarriage and they can try again, she loses her poo poo and starts screaming that she had an abortion.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:15

Cactus Ghost: Dec 20, 2003; you can actually inflate your scrote pretty safely with sterile saline, syringes, needles, and aseptic technique. its a niche kink iirc

the saline just slowly gets absorbed into your blood but in the meantime you got a big round smooth distended nutsack

Admiral Ray posted:

The moral of that story is to never work at a start up.

they�re so loving awful

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:18

Midnight Voyager: Jul 2, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

Me [30 M] with my Wife [29 F], reacts extremely negatively to changes.

quote:

Hi all,

I've been together with my wife for 11 years now (married for 3) and whilst I am happy with her and we have a good relationship in most aspects, there is one side to the relationship that I've been finding increasingly difficult to deal with.

Essentially, my wife reacts extremely negatively to changes in plans, even if they don't affect her. For example, if I've got something planned with friends for a certain time/date (and she has her own plans) and they change this to a different time/date (which she also has plans for) she loses her poo poo and accuses me of being spineless and unable to stick up for myself.

The key thing here is that it doesn't bother me, I'm just as happy spending time on my own doing whatever, and the fact that she has her own plans set for both those days (so it's not like she's having to change what she's doing) baffles me as to why she'd react so strongly.

Things have gotten to the point where I physically dread mentioning plans or changes in plans to her for fear of how she's going to react. She doesn't accept that she may be overreacting in some cases, and instead flips it to how it irritates her that I "let people walk over me".

Just to be up front, I'm not a submissive person generally. If something pisses me off I speak up, I just happen to be quite patient.

I find it hard to express how I feel, as she resorts to personal attacks and gets quite cruel, which in turn makes me flustered and start tripping over my words.

I'm unsure how to deal with this, as she doesn't view anything wrong with how she reacts and thus doesn't want to engage in any sort of counselling. Does anyone have any advice?

tl;dr: Wife loses her poo poo if plans change (even when they don't involve her), unsure how to deal.

what the hell???

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:20

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

Midnight Voyager posted:

The many conversations were a problem. If he just put it on the table and that was that, that would be one thing. Pressing the point would be having a bunch of conversations about it until someone caves, and it kinda seems like that's what happened here.

I don�t know. Major stuff like this often involves multiple conversations, doesn�t it? I mean, it takes a little while to feel out the situation and, if you�re hoping for resolution/compromise I can see it coming up quite a few times, each time slightly more direct, before you finally get to the �Look, here�s what I want. If that�s not what you want, that�s ok but we need to break up. I can�t keep waiting for an answer until it defaults to a �no� because we�re too old to have children� part.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:29

Cactus Ghost: Dec 20, 2003; you can actually inflate your scrote pretty safely with sterile saline, syringes, needles, and aseptic technique. its a niche kink iirc

the saline just slowly gets absorbed into your blood but in the meantime you got a big round smooth distended nutsack

La Brea Carpet posted:

My [23 f] boyfriend [31 M] bought me a car by surprise. It's not at all what I want

It's like my grandmother always said:

"If you can't handle the soccer mom life, don't try to be the soccer dad's wife."

crossovers are idiot cars and this girl rules

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:29

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

I [31F] feel like my husband [32M] is taking the fact that I'm a strong woman for granted. Do I need to have a mental breakdown to get some attention?

OP posted:

o, I'm open minded to the fact that I may be wrong. There's a possibility my husband isn't taking me for granted whatsoever and I'm just being a needy. However, this is how I feel:

I'm a strong woman. I always have been. A lot of what can get your average woman down doesn't (insert swear word) phase me. (I can provide examples if need be.) I'm stubborn as hell and people who play the victim make me want to puke which is why I'm so disgusted with myself for thinking about doing it.

I broke my leg a few weeks ago. It sucks and I'm angry about it. It was not a serious break in that I did not need surgery, but I'm in an Air Cast and it hurts like a MF. I don't think I went through the normal cycle people go through when something tragic happens. (Not my style.) There were no tears, no questiong how I'm going to get this or that done. I took one (insert swear word) day off work then went back at it on modified duties. (In hindsight, I really needed more time off, but I'm right in the middle of something good at work and I didn't want to jeopardize it by not being there.) I work 12 days straight. Yup. I have a broken leg and I work 12 days straight. Although I am on modified duties, my job is still quite physical and I find myself having to clench my teeth to stop from crying because it hurts so much.

I go home and I cook and I clean. I had to make some SERIOUS sacrifices in the kitchen because I'm not burning the energy I used to as I had to give up my physical hobby for now. Basically, I'm really watching what I eat so I don't gain weight due to this injury. I've seen a lot of people gain tremendous amount of weight after something like this and I just don't want to end up like that. If I have to be a vegan for the next 3 months and lower my caloric intake then so be it. As soon as I can get back to my regular lifestyle I can enjoy pasta again.

I don't just stop after work or in the home, either. I keep myself pulled together. Hair done. Nails done. Makeup done. Depression won't (insert swear word) get me! I'm still socializing with friends even though I genuinely hate being in public in a cast.

All my husband says (when he's not critiquing his tofu burger I made) every now and then is "I'm proud of you." Then it's back to business as usual and I'm expected to just be chipper. I'm sorry, but that's not enough. As far as I'm concerned, I'm entitled to some screaming and crying and not getting out of bed, but I don't do it because that's for the weak!

Am I wrong for expecting... more from him? More attention. More love. More babying. A few little words aren't stopping this resentment I'm starting to get towards him. Do I have to have a mental break down to get some attention? Flowers? A shout out on social media?

I'm not only a strong woman, I'm a vocal one. I actually have to ANNOUNCE (mostly to make myself feel better) that I COULD be gaining oodles of weight, calling in sick for work and never getting out of bed. I COULD be that type. When I say this he'll ask why I'm angry.

I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I'll clarify anything. I wrote this with some heat.

tl;dr: Mandatory summary/question!

I feel like my husband it taking the fact that I'm a strong woman for granted. Why am I trying to hard in my life and in my marriage if it's not appreciated? His treatment makes me want to not have sex with him and I'm using my injury as an excuse to get away from it.

OP posted:

Have you talked to him about what you want from him? Like, your husband isn't a mindreader and it's unfair to just magically expect all these things from him if you haven't talked to him about what you need yet.

quote:

I haven't directly said: Please do this. Not that. Thank you.

All I've done is tried to remind him how hard this is for me right now and I'll bring up other people who went through something similar and how they FAILED and I'm succeeding and still, no credit. No respect. guarantee if I had a break down he'd be at my side non stop.

OP posted:

He's not good at being told what I want from him. He'll accuse me of being bossy. What I want is for him to literally fawn all over me and tell me how superior I am in comparison to other people failing where I'm not giving up. Sounds strange, but that's what I want and need. I need to hear that I'm doing better than most people would. He won't do that.

OP posted:

There is some hidden scorn here. A big issue we have is that the women in his family are (IMO) weak. Yet he adores them. Coddles them. If I try to express myself I KNOW he'll say "Are you referring to my mother/sister?" because unintentionally I will be because the weak traits I'll be telling him I'm NOT doing are ones they WILL be doing.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:33

Smirking_Serpent: Aug 27, 2009

Introducing my [18F] new online boyfriend [29M] to my very protective Asian parents.

Hey guys! I've been talking to this guy for a couple of weeks I met on Reddit. He's honestly the sweetest, smartest, most attractive guy to me (hey u/beachsidebotany
) and we have a lot of uncanny similarities and life struggles. We talk on Snapchat, call each other, and I recently opened a new Facebook to connect with him.

We discuss and update each other on our mental illness and recovery. This relationship had honestly made me super happy and fulfilled, and we haven't even met in real life. Even my parents and psychiatrist noticed my mood shift positively.

The problem is, if we plan on dating in real life, I would obviously need to introduce him to my parents or at least tell my parents about him honestly. I am still living under my parents' roof for another year or so.

My parents are also extremely protective of me as I am a female, their first child, and have had mental illness struggles (anxiety, depression, BDD).

Here are several issues regarding coming out with our relationship:

He's a former drug addict: My parents have a pretty conservative opinion when it comes to drugs. I come from a relatively strict Asian family. He is 3 yrs clean, but my mother recently came across his Facebook profile which states he did cocaine... Plus him having tattoos and piercings won't help.

He's significantly older than me: Not too big of a big deal for my family. My mom dated a man 8 years older as a junior in high school, and she's pretty open to that.

We met on the internet.: Pretty taboo for my family still. They saw his Facebook profile when they came across my new profile, and they wanted me to unfriend this random guy immediately (without even knowing he's my bf) due to references of past drug addiction.

Thank you for the help. It means the world to us, and I'd do anything for us to be in a healthy relationship together, and for my family to at least accept this relationship one day.

TL;DR: My new online boyfriend is the sweetest guy, but I don't think my parents would approve of him due to his former drug addiction, way we met, and his overall image.

edit:

this is why you use a throwaway:

Smirking_Serpent fucked around with this message at 10:38 on Feb 6, 2018

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:34

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Midnight Voyager posted:

Me [30 M] with my Wife [29 F], reacts extremely negatively to changes.

what the hell???

Theory 1: wife is convinced he's a spineless doormat which he probably is (unreliable narrator) and it's especially infuriating when she's involved in the scenario. Things are way worse than he's descriging and friends change plans whenever they feel like, don't apologise or anything cause they know they can walk all over him.

Theory 2: wife has a mood disorder that includes rejection sensitivity dysphoria. She wants to murder people for the slightest even if only perceived rejection and blames the husband when she has to go through an episode like that.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:34

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

Midnight Voyager posted:

The many conversations were a problem. If he just put it on the table and that was that, that would be one thing. Pressing the point would be having a bunch of conversations about it until someone caves, and it kinda seems like that's what happened here.

I guess I had a different reading of that paragraph. It seemed to me more like they just discussed it at length because it's important and worth actual discussion, and it came out that this was a hard point for them. I don't think it's fair to expect a single conversation where he lays down the deal breaker and then writes up the divorce papers if she hesitates to say yes. It seems like she thought she was at a place where she could do this and wasn't too big against it, but she was wrong and didn't realize that until she got pregnant.

Midnight Voyager posted:

Me [30 M] with my Wife [29 F], reacts extremely negatively to changes.

what the hell???

Wife is a sex weird who is probably obsessed with you being a jerk because she correlates that with being a big man

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:35

LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

I [21/F] rejected my boyfriend's (of three months)[23/M] proposal

quote:

My boyfriend of three months, (yes, three months) proposed to me last weekend and I said no.

I'm not even sure how to write about this, as I was completely shocked, and this totally came out of the blue. I don't know how to proceed and I don't know how to make him move on.

He is the first guy I've dated since I ended a long and toxic relationship. When we first started dating we agreed to keep it casual. He began to devlop feelings and so did I. We talked and decided we wanted to see each other exclusively, as a couple. This was going great until I started noticing habits of his that bothered me. He is way too clingy and jealous. I can't hang out with my guy friends, who I have zero romantic involvement with, without him blowing up my phone or wanting to always tag along. He constantly wants to kiss, hold his hand, etc. I understand affection and holding his hand, but it is constant. I cannot let go of his hand to grab something out of my purse without him complaining that I stopped holding his hand. He does not take his career seriously. I think it's ridiculous and he has no motivation to further his career or his future. There is simply no motivation from him He already said "I love you." All of this started happening after[spoiler a month.[/spoiler]

When he told me he loved me, I did not say it back. I told him it was too soon for me to feel and say that. He told me that it was okay, and I'd come around to it. I played with the idea in my mind, thanking may be I would. I realized that I do not see a future or any long-term relationship with him. He is not the one for me and I don't nearly feel the same as he does for me. I began taking a step back from our relationship. I didn't text or call him as much, or really hang out. We started seeing each other only on Friday/Saturday. (We practically saw each other almost every day, primarily for sex.)

He told me he wanted to go on a date. I agreed, hoping we would have a chance to talk privately after dinner. The reason I waited was because I was hoping there would be some sort of spark that would change my mind, and there wasn't. After dinner, we went to the beach, in the sand there is a passage when it's low tide. We walked through the passage and he began telling me wonderful things, about how I've helped him, made him gain confidence, etc. I thanked him for the compliments and told him I needed to talk to him about something. He basically cut me off before I got a chance and drop down on one knee. I have to give it to him, he put a lot of thought into the date and the ring was beautiful, but despite that I said no. This came as a complete shock to him and he was completely confused and hurt. He literally had no idea why I said no. I basically explain everything I wrote here. He began to cry and completely made a scene in public. The worst part was I had to drive him home. Before he got out of my car, he asked me to think about it. I told him there was nothing for me to think about because my feelings won't change. He slammed the door and went into his apartment. The next morning you texted me as if nothing happened, and for whatever reason, he was convinced that we were still together. He will not stop calling and texting me, asking to see me, what we're doing this weekend, etc.

I feel horrible becuase I should have told him sooner instead of hoping I'll have the same feelings, or that we could make it work. I would have been happy to continue our relationship(not engaged), if he hadn't changed.

I don't know how to make him move on. What do?

tl;dr: My boyfriend of three months proposed to me last weekend and I said no. He doesn't seem to understand that I don't feel the same or want to be with him because of his habits. He won't move on.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:40

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Danaru posted:

I [31F] feel like my husband [32M] is taking the fact that I'm a strong woman for granted. Do I need to have a mental breakdown to get some attention?

There's no way for anybody to get through to her in this holy poo poo. Self-awareness at absolute zero. Yes, please tell me once again how non-weak you are unlike all those weak garbage women in the world. I'm sure your non-problem (as you can't have a problem, you're not some weakling) totally didn't lead you to specifically choose a husband that has low empathy and behaves exactly as he does now.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:43

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

LadyPictureShow posted:

I [21/F] rejected my boyfriend's (of three months)[23/M] proposal

The idiot waited too long, if you haven't proposed by the third week of dating it's not gonna happen

Palpek posted:

There's no way for anybody to get through to her in this holy poo poo. Self-awareness at absolute zero. Yes, please tell me once again how non-weak you are unlike all those weak garbage women in the world. I'm sure your non-problem (as you can't have a problem, you're not some weakling) totally didn't lead you to specifically choose a husband that has low empathy and behaves exactly as he does now.

She's an idiot wrapped up in the idea of being a STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN, not realizing that while it's fine and good to be that, being strong and independent also means you don't need someone patting you on the head and calling you amazing constantly

Basically she sounds insufferable

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:49

Cactus Ghost: Dec 20, 2003; you can actually inflate your scrote pretty safely with sterile saline, syringes, needles, and aseptic technique. its a niche kink iirc

the saline just slowly gets absorbed into your blood but in the meantime you got a big round smooth distended nutsack

Pick posted:

It was the one where a brother "pranked" his sister out of a college scholarship so she ended up having to take on ~$60,000 debt and he was upset at her for not accepting his "amends" (he was in AA or drug rehab or something) even though he did literally nothing other than admit he'd done that and demand to therefore be forgiven, particularly because, as he noted, it was "just a prank". She was asking if she should forgive him, not realizing the correct alternative, that being

that�s like exactly the wrong way to do amends. you acknowledge the wrongdoing, apologize if appropriate, and ask if there�s anything you�ve left out and what, if anything, you can do to make good on the harm you did. you don�t grovel, you explicitly don�t get to expect any kind of a favorable reaction from people, and you sure as poo poo don�t demand forgiveness or justify your actions. that�s just straight up emotionally manipulative bullshit; it�s exactly the kind of �old behavior� that active addicts do all the time and that previous stepwork before that point is organized to help you break the habit of doing, so you can attempt amends without pulling this poo poo. dude was not at all ready do be doing that yet

hopefully someone told her that, that she didn�t have to buy into his bullshit

# ? Feb 6, 2018 10:51

Midnight Voyager: Jul 2, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

lemon-lyme disease posted:

I don�t know. Major stuff like this often involves multiple conversations, doesn�t it? I mean, it takes a little while to feel out the situation and, if you�re hoping for resolution/compromise I can see it coming up quite a few times, each time slightly more direct, before you finally get to the �Look, here�s what I want. If that�s not what you want, that�s ok but we need to break up. I can�t keep waiting for an answer until it defaults to a �no� because we�re too old to have children� part.

Yeah, I can see that, but the part where it felt weird was where it... doesn't sound like a lot needed feeling out on her end. She's terrified of it.

Blade Runner posted:

I guess I had a different reading of that paragraph. It seemed to me more like they just discussed it at length because it's important and worth actual discussion, and it came out that this was a hard point for them. I don't think it's fair to expect a single conversation where he lays down the deal breaker and then writes up the divorce papers if she hesitates to say yes. It seems like she thought she was at a place where she could do this and wasn't too big against it, but she was wrong and didn't realize that until she got pregnant.

Yeah, it's the internet, so there's reading between the lines going on and we both did it differently. I thought it was discussed before they were married, seeing as how she said they "planned to have a child during our marriage." (Did you plan to have a child during your future marriage, or did you, during your marriage, plan to have a child?) No divorce papers needed. But it also took her a year of therapy to get to where she even thought she could stand pregnancy. That's more than a hesitation. I think there's a middle ground between "No kids? No me," and what happened here, and I think it needs a bit more mutual understanding. Or a better understanding of phobias, some people really don't get those.

I guess I can't understand getting to a point where I'd be okay with my spouse going through therapy to get over a phobia just so I could trap them inside that phobia for months.

It also seems like every time people seem to think they can reconcile a want of kids with a want of no kids (or a want of biological kids vs not), it ends in tears. Maybe people really should just cut off any relationship before it gets too far if they don't agree on that point. poo poo breeds resentment like crazy.

Danaru posted:

I [31F] feel like my husband [32M] is taking the fact that I'm a strong woman for granted. Do I need to have a mental breakdown to get some attention?

Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS??

# ? Feb 6, 2018 11:00

hanales: Nov 3, 2013

Midnight Voyager posted:

Me [30 M] with my Wife [29 F], reacts extremely negatively to changes.

what the hell???

She�s cheating on him.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 11:26

Away all Goats: Jul 5, 2005; Goose's rebellion

hanales posted:

She�s cheating on him.

That was my first thought. Knowing your SO's plans and location is very important when you're going behind their back.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 11:29

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

My [29 F] best friend [34 M] of 3,5 years confessed to me that he has had feelings for me all along

quote:

Hello reddit, I hope to get some advice from you guys!

I came to Germany 3,5 years ago and met this guy (I'll call him Robert) on facebook, almost right away because I wrote in some group that I was new in the city and that I would like to make friends. He proposed that I go watch football with him and his friends and I agreed. I wasn't attracted to him. If anything, I thought he was kinda boring. I didn't think much of him. But time went on and I got to know him better and better and I realized he was a great guy. We would meet every 2-4 weeks just the two of us or sometimes we would do something together with his friends who also became my friends. There were moments of attraction, I've been definitely thinking that we would actually make a great couple but I thought he didn't see me as a girlfriend. Or I had someone else and was totally invested in my relationships. Also I was more into other dudes than him.

There was one specific moment where I thought he wasn't into me romantically. My boyfriend at the time went out one night, got extremely drunk and ended up making out with his coworker. I won't go deep into that story, I'll just say it was really messed up. So when he told me about that the only thing I could do back then to deal with the pain was go and get wasted too. So I joined Robert and his friends, they were at some friend's place. I got there, got totally pissed and at some point I stood there on the balcony with Robert smoking and cursing my boyfriend. Then I tried to kiss him and he turned it down. I think that was the point where I thought that he totally didn't want me at all. The thought of him actually being a descent person hasn't crossed my mind at all. Yes, I'm that stupid.

Anyway, long story short: my two boyfriends and his zero girlfriends later he confesses to me that he has had feelings for me all along, from the very beginning. And that he got so used to not having me and to me having someone else that it became his reality. He said there was a girl he tried to start a relationship with but it didn't work out as she wasn't his kind of person at all. I can't even imagine how painful it was for him to see me with someone else. I was really blind to all the hints but I also honestly didn't think that he could be in love with me. And he also hid it really well.

So here's where we are now: he is absolutely amazing. If there is one person on this planet who I could imagine spending my life with, it's him. There have been few people I could talk with the way I talk with him. We are super connected and we both feel that after his confession the communication got even better than it was before. He is very realiable, sincere, kind, faithful, understanding and forgiving. He says he would do everything for me and I know that it's true. It's not only because he is in love with me, it's because of the way he is: he does everything he can for family and friends. We share lots of interests, we have the same sense of humour. He wants to start a family, he wants to have kids and I want that too. We're both just people who could be very happy together.

But I wouldn't post here if there were no buts. So here comes the but: I am not attracted to him sexually. I don't like being touched by him. I spent one night at his place and it didn't come to actual sex but we kissed and I didn't patricularly enjoy it. Again, he's not ugly, he's pretty handsome actually, but he's a bit chubby and I'm used to guys who are fit. He tells me that I'm totally out of his league in terms of looks and honestly I think so too. He also says that he's afraid of me, afraid to touch me, afraid to mess everything up. So maybe he just needs some time to just get comfortable with me and get used to the idea of being able to touch me. Maybe it could get better with time. I would really like to help him with that but I don't know how. I'm a very passionate lover and normally I would kiss every part of my partner's body and I don't care if he's smelly or sweaty - if I love someone I want every bit of him. But I don't want to kiss him at all. And I don't really want him to kiss me either.

I guess my question is if someone has been in a similar position. How did it turn out in the end? Do we have a chance or are we doomed if I don't feel attracted to him initially? I've been crying a lot because of this. It's totally ridiculous to me. Everything is in place, apart from that one thing which is very important. I'm sorry if my post is a little all over the place. Also english is not my native language so sorry for the mistakes if there are any.

tl;dr: Best friend of 3,5 years confessed that he's had feelings for me all along. I can imagine spending my life with him, he would make a great husband and he could give me what I've always dreamt of: family, stability, great partnership. But I am not sexually attracted to him. I'm devastated.

If only not for this one little problem it would all be perfect.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 11:50

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

Palpek posted:

My [29 F] best friend [34 M] of 3,5 years confessed to me that he has had feelings for me all along

If only not for this one little problem it would all be perfect.

You can't be in a relationship or a friendship. You need to not be in each other's lives. The fact that you consider yourself "out of his league" is also incredibly lovely of you. Generally, the woman kinda comes off as a completely terrible person and the guy can probably do better.

Also what's the odds on the incel narrative coming true when a Chad who is a terrible person comes and steals her away while she says that she just can't help but be attracted to him despite his having no good qualities

# ? Feb 6, 2018 12:04

hanales: Nov 3, 2013

Away all Goats posted:

That was my first thought. Knowing your SO's plans and location is very important when you're going behind their back.

Exactly. My wife and I give maybe a days notice about plans alone, but that�s because we have a son so we either need a baby sitter or someone staying home. Besides that it�s do what you want with vague estimations of return, because when you�re going out with friends or shopping exact timetables are annoying.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 12:20

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Blade Runner posted:

Also what's the odds on the incel narrative coming true when a Chad who is a terrible person comes and steals her away while she says that she just can't help but be attracted to him despite his having no good qualities

This is a really dumb perspective though, she doesn't need a Chad that she's deadly attracted to, she needs somebody who she's at least a bit attracted to unlike this guy she doesn't even want to touch. Yeah she's dumb in what she wrote but only in the sense that she should know this wouldn't work and it's reasonable to expect some kind of romantic draw to your potentially longtime partner. No need for 'hurr durr another bitch will be taken by Chad for a ride' scenario.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 12:53

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Also the guy was pretending to be her friend for 3,5 years while wanting to gently caress her all along. He had zero relationships during the entire time because he was holding a candle for her for years. Then when he finally confesses it's obvious he put her on a giagntic pedestal, he told her he has so little confidence and self-esteem that he's afraid to touch her or mess anything up because she's so much above him (wow, how could you not be attracted to that, shocking). Basically he's a Nice Guy. 50/50 on if his resentment surfacing when she rejects him - but hell, maybe he's not one of those. It would be a bullet dodged for her.

Palpek fucked around with this message at 13:22 on Feb 6, 2018

# ? Feb 6, 2018 13:19

Alien Sex Manual: Dec 14, 2010; is not a sandwich

quote:

My cousin [30F] invited all her aunts and uncles to her wedding, except my mom [53F].

Last week at a family wedding celebration, the topic of another wedding came up. Lisa (30F), the daughter of my uncle/mom's brother is getting married soon and are celebrating it over two days. My mom (53F) did not know about this event, and was congratulating Lisa excitedly, but also confused she had not heard about this event yet.

Lisa says she doesn't want to spin around it, that my mom was not invited, that she had to make choices, that she did not feel she had many memories with her. My mom felt upset and excused herself for a little, as to not make a scene. When my mother was gone Lisa then elaborated that she did not feel a click with my mother, and that my mother also did not go to many of her birthdays.

My mother is now very upset, not understanding her 7 siblings and spouses got invited and she and my dad did not. She felt she had a great connection with Lisa, I've seen them have pleasant (looking) contact and conversations many times. My grandma, who is adored by the family, heard of what happened and now does not want to come to her granddaughters wedding either. She has told Lisa so already. Other family members seem upset about it too.

I'm wondering if there is something that I can do to prevent this from escalating any further. I honestly feel disappointed in my cousin too, partly for her decision and for a big part of her execution of it.

As a side not; I have to say that I'm not sure how large the wedding is exactly, and how many people of my generations (i.e., her cousins) are invited. I (27F) am not invited either.

tl;dr: Mom did not get invited to my cousins wedding, causing a rift in the family.

Most of the comments are in the vein of "Yeah Lisa sucks, but just be there for your mom and don't get involved in "fixing" her fuckup." Then we have this one:

quote:

Maybe it's your cousins wedding and she should be the arbiter of who attends likely the most important day of her life �\(ツ)/�

Does your mother want to force herself into a social gathering where she's not invited? Several in-laws were specifically not invited to my wedding, they invited themselves anyways, and ruined several events because of it. It's that what you want for your cousins wedding? There is a reason your mother is not invited and all she can do is respect the bride's wishes. If she's feeling particularly salty about the snub, then she can just not get them a gift.

quote:

Because she was happy for the bride? Of course if you start off with the assumption that the mother is in essence a selfish person, then of course she wouldn't buy a present.

Let's play a game of occams razor: is it more likely that the niece is just a horrible person that deliberately singled out the aunt in some horrible mean girls-esque thing. Why?

Or the niece knows that the aunt will be a drain in the days festivities. Maybe she'll wear a white dress, maybe she'll attempt to gently caress the groom, who knows?

Why would the aunt buy a present? "I realize I'm not invited because after reflecting on prior actions I can see that I haven't been the best person to be around due to my alcoholism. This has been a wake-up call and I'm going to try to be a better person to you and in general. Here's the waffle iron you wanted from crate and barrel, I hope you think of me when you use it."

quote:

Why should it be expected? My wedding, which I just had so I'm ever so more of an "expert" than you, included me giving my best man a gift that he did not expect. Does that invalidate the gift? A friend is getting married soon and I'm not invited to the wedding and I'm still getting him a gift. We recieved a couple thousand from people we didn't invite that still wished us well because they wanted us to be happy because they're wonderful people that are understanding and don't hold grudges over petty poo poo. The whole point of a gift is that you don't expect anything in return, otherwise it's just a transaction.

Every goddamn week there's a post on here about "my crackhead cousin wants to come to my wedding but I don't know how to tell him no", and now suddenly this post comes along and the girl that just wants to have a nice wedding is on the wrong?

Now I feel entitled to come to your wedding and I'm going to feel offended and left out if you don't invite me and my grandma might not come either.

Oh sup Lisa I didn't know you used Reddit.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 13:44

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

Palpek posted:

This is a really dumb perspective though, she doesn't need a Chad that she's deadly attracted to, she needs somebody who she's at least a bit attracted to unlike this guy she doesn't even want to touch. Yeah she's dumb in what she wrote but only in the sense that she should know this wouldn't work and it's reasonable to expect some kind of romantic draw to your potentially longtime partner. No need for 'hurr durr another bitch will be taken by Chad for a ride' scenario.

Second part was mostly a joke, first part was mostly serious. But yeah, they both sound pretty bad and both sound like they need to not at all be together. She's not going to be able to get over not being attracted to him, and he's way too obsessive for this to work out.

I think most Nice Guys would've jumped at the chance to make out with her when she was mad at her boyfriend (one of the main reasons it seemed like she was sorta trash and he seemed pretty okay) though.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 13:48

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

Palpek posted:

Also the guy was pretending to be her friend for 3,5 years while wanting to gently caress her all along. He had zero relationships during the entire time because he was holding a candle for her for years. Then when he finally confesses it's obvious he put her on a giagntic pedestal, he told her he has so little confidence and self-esteem that he's afraid to touch her or mess anything up because she's so much above him (wow, how could you not be attracted to that, shocking). Basically he's a Nice Guy. 50/50 on if his resentment surfacing when she rejects him - but hell, maybe he's not one of those. It would be a bullet dodged for her.

I give him a little credit for refusing her kiss when she was drunk and vulnerable. That's just common decency but I don't think most "nice guys" would have that common decency. He seems like he held a candle for her but didn't have an ulterior motive of getting together with her and when he decided he wanted that was open and honest about it.

But with his kind of self esteem issues I don't see how he could be a suitable partner. She's out of his league from the simple fact he believes leagues even exist.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 14:07

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Danaru posted:

I [31F] feel like my husband [32M] is taking the fact that I'm a strong woman for granted. Do I need to have a mental breakdown to get some attention?

Can someone remind me what "strong" means because this lady is barely holding it together and needs constant reassurance and headpats and that doesn't sound particularly strong

Labes for days posted:

Most of the comments are in the vein of "Yeah Lisa sucks, but just be there for your mom and don't get involved in "fixing" her fuckup." Then we have this one:

Oh sup Lisa I didn't know you used Reddit.

I mean on the one hand that commenter sounds loving batshit

but on the other hand my wife declined to invite one of her cousins to our wedding because she knew she was going to do some Big Drama Thing to make the entire event about her instead, and it turns out her reaction to not being invited was to do that anyway

but on the first hand again that was a second cousin, we didn't invite any OTHER second cousins either, and if you invite some of your aunts/uncles you should probably invite all of your aunts/uncles

# ? Feb 6, 2018 14:09

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

If you got like 8 aunts, that's too many aunts and uncles. You don't have to invite every single one especially ones you just aren't particularly close with and see like twice a year at Christmas and Thanksgiving

# ? Feb 6, 2018 14:19

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Oh pish, my cousin had seven PARENTS at the one wedding (adoption, re-uniting and remarrying) as well as a zillion aunts, uncles and mildly confused cousins and that worked out fine.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 14:27

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

Sometimes you just don't have the budget for that.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 14:31

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

Al Borland Corp. posted:

If you got like 8 aunts, that's too many aunts and uncles. You don't have to invite every single one especially ones you just aren't particularly close with and see like twice a year at Christmas and Thanksgiving

you certainly don't have to invite them all, but it is strange to invite them all plus their spouses with one exception

# ? Feb 6, 2018 14:45

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Barudak posted:

If I had to guess the issue appears to be you're trying to put a man in the moon

Lmao

Dienes posted:

This is true, but exposure therapy is done in planned titrations in a controlled environment. This isn't that.

Yeah but there's no such thing as a little bit pregnant.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 14:49

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 28, 2024 00:15

Alien Sex Manual: Dec 14, 2010; is not a sandwich

You can invite who you want to your wedding but it's sort of a dick move to exclude one in particular and announce this to her at a gathering of family and friends who were all invited without giving an explanation more than a vague "well you didn't come to my birthday parties when I was younger."

Al Borland Corp. posted:

Sometimes you just don't have the budget for that.

Yeah I'm sure the centerpieces/crab balls were more important than causing family drama by deliberately excluding one aunt from the reception for no good reason.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 15:12

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