Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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420 SWAGLORD: Apr 20, 2014; saban bajramovic

bradzilla posted:

Buttholes are nasty. Butts are glorious.

We crawl deeper and deeper into the rear end generation by generation

:69snypa:

# ? Feb 16, 2018 21:43

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# ? May 10, 2024 15:30

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

A clean butthole is fine to stick your tongue in and around. Now, licking that thing after she spent your entire show dancing in vinyl pants....that takes a real man. A Good Boyfriend^TM

# ? Feb 17, 2018 00:26

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

Solice Kirsk posted:

A clean butthole is fine to stick your tongue in and around. Now, licking that thing after she spent your entire show dancing in vinyl pants....that takes a real man. A Good Boyfriend^TM

TAKE 👏 A 👏 SHOWER 👏

# ? Feb 17, 2018 00:40

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

If you really think putting a dick or a pussy in your mouth is less gross than tonguing a clean butthole you are an idiot and don�t understand how bacteria works. No one is advocating you munch a poopy booty, you barbarians.

Also your sphincter is like a braid of 5,000 nerve endings, which is more per centimeter than the wiener.

LoL I remember my last girlfriend the first night we tried butt stuff, it was her first time even though she was 8 years older than I was and she was like �ok what do I do?� �Uh, like take a shower and make sure you�re good to go?�
�Like how?�
�Dude aren�t you a nurse? Like just make sure there isn�t a round in the chamber and we gucci.�

�A round in the chamber� is something my army buddies used to say.

What I�m saying is you only live once and everyone is gonna be talking about butt stuff when you get to heaven, but nobody will wanna gently caress anymore because you�ll have shed your meat shell.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 02:24

Il Federale: Oct 10, 2012

# ? Feb 17, 2018 02:26

A Strange Aeon: Mar 26, 2010; You are now a slimy little toad; The Great Twist

"Give me crack and anal sex"
--Leonard Cohen

# ? Feb 17, 2018 06:36

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Hopper posted:

Hmm why does the hubbie object to her staying with the LAPD overnight? Must be pretty safe.

She's black, he's just worried about her.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 10:51

Applesnots: Oct 22, 2010; MERRY YOBMAS

A Strange Aeon posted:

"Give me crack and anal sex"
--Leonard Nimoy

# ? Feb 17, 2018 14:43

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

ugh sorry about this guys

quote:

Puppetmaster here. Recently set my sights on a bigger target, the man himself for reasons only I will know.

Attached is proof that I reported lowtax for this VERY NAUGHTY POST (which sadly I neglected to screenshot):

"Had to block @apple because if I saw another goddamn HomePod ad then my subsequent actions would violate several major federal laws"

Very threatening. In this current climate if you see something, you need to say something. I also alerted several others to it to make sure it was reported by many.

Apple is the worst type of computer except for all the others. Leave Timothy alone. YOSPOS bitch!

gently caress Apple

quote:

I('m uncle goon. Posted twice maybe a while ago. I don't think I ever had a codeword, mostly because my confession isn't about some puppetmaster or the 5 goons who apparently work in the White House.

I just drank half a mottle of wine and popped some ambien and I'm just feeling morose as hell. But I guess maybe some updates: I have been seeing a psychiatrist since April and have been taking anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I feel like a new person. I feel like the person I was when I'd an idea night of sleep once a year. It has been so helpful and I feel almost so much like a normal person. The therapy portion is hard. Sitting there and saying, out loud, all these things rattling in your head is exhausting. But it's giving me direction.

I spoke to my younger sibling about what happened to him. And what I think might have happened to me. My bro broke my heart when he said that he thinks my situation is worse. "I have very very vivid memories of everything that happened. I know that it did. Not knowing for sure must be really hard." We drank and passed a few Js around and tried to talk. Listening to my brother speak about his own life filled me with an anger that is just compounding. So much of it was just him wishing for a childhood. One without a parent's divorce or getting cancer or being molested while having cancer only to get cancer again once your molester dies. He's so angry and I am so angry for us. I so badly want to hurt this old man, who decided that a few minutes of sneaking off with kids was worth their entire future. Well, Unc, thanks. Thanks for making it impossible for me to sleep ever again.

Also, what the gently caress dude, you never slept with your wife. Unc's bedroom was 5 ft from the guest room I slept in. My aunt slept on another floor. "Oh he just snored too loudly." Yeah I'm sure that was it.

I wish I could do anything to just purged my uncle from my mind, but god it will never end. His family home was on the market and we can't just walk away. My family has a piece in that pie and so do all the other aunts and uncles. They don't know poo poo about what happened to my bro and i. heck, for all they knew, each of them as a kid or two who stayed over for "basketball camp." I honestly could pick 1 "weirdo" from each of their families.

So now we're done with the awful bits about trying to sell the house and the animosity is at an all time high. And I honestly don't think they'd ever believe that someone in their family could do anything we've described so we'll be the blackest of black sheep.

Im sorry this became an ambient infuled ramble. But if anyone has any free internet resources that a person without health insurance could use? I just want my brother to speak to someone. Anyone.

And an immediate followup:

quote:

Sorry I just wanted to finish off by saying that I really really want to cry. I wantr to break down and cry and snot and snob everywhere. And I can't. That part of my mind was just so broken down when I was a teenager and now im sitting here like a moron trying to give msyelf the space to cry.

Maybe I can only cry after 8 hours of drinking...

Jeez I'm really sorry to say that I'm not really sure which was your original confession, there have been a whole bunch of creepy molester uncle ones

I'm sorry that this all happened to you, but I'm glad you're getting some closure now. Getting it off your chest via the thread might help, but you might want to figure out how to get the resources to see a therapist (this goes for your brother too). They have sliding-scale prices sometimes, for people who need help but can't get it.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 16:58

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

loquacius posted:

ugh sorry about this guys
creepy molester uncle ones

Yeah, I thought it was the one who got a boner when his niece sat on his lap goon.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 18:00

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Taking advantage of a brief period of available WiFi in my mother-in-law's farmhouse to post les feshes

quote:

I wish I was asexual.

I'm not a virgin, though the few times I've had sex were thoroughly underwhelming and I don't think I'll ever try to have sex again. My real problem, however, is that I feel the urge to masturbate at least twice a day. Despite the fact that I do it so often, I don't think I've ever enjoyed jerking off. I primarily focus on speed these days, and I'm too grossed out by actual sex/nudity to masturbate to anything other than non-sexual organs (feet, armpits, et cetera). I've tried going without jerking off entirely, but the urges just get worse and worse and cause me to have insomnia. I'm entering my late 20s now, but I haven't had any drop-off in libido since I was a teenager, and it just seems hopeless.

I know I don't want to have any children (unless we magically solve climate change), but I feel like no doctor would be willing to castrate me or otherwise give me support for this kind of issue. I've tried therapy before, four times, but the primary suggestions I've received are exercise (do it anyway, doesn't work), and having sex with real peopl.

I wasn't molested or anything, so it's not some sort of deep-seated trauma causing this issue. I just feel like I'm stuck in a pointless loop of joyless masturbation for no other purpose than having a regular sleep schedule and not going insane. I hate seeing pornography, I hate feeling aroused, but it just never goes away. I'm just not sure what to do, other than try therapy for the 5th time, which seems increasingly unlikely to ever produce results.

I mean

What was your goal in therapy? Was it to stop wanting to jerk off? Because yeah therapy can't do that, but you're kinda burying the lede here. Your really hosed-up attitudes toward sex sound like a much bigger problem in your life. I think you should reenter therapy with the goal of getting yourself to a place where you can experience intimacy with a dedicated romantic partner. That's hard but doable, and you'll come out the other side with a more fulfilling life. But remember, you have to want to change.

Anyway here's a silly story about a ghost roommate

quote:

Although this will sound like a joke, it’s not. My apartment is haunted by the ghost of Vincent Price.

This is not a bad thing at all, in fact it’s nothing but beneficial, which is why I’m not seeking to change things at all.

Around 4 month’s ago I noticed things getting misplaced a lot, along with the smell of cologne in my kitchen. I assumed it was downstairs neighbors, until one day I was rushing to work and didn’t have a chance to clean up the kitchen. I left behind a huge mess, including a pile of flour on the cabinet and a sink full of dishes. When I got home it was all clean, except for the flour. Someone had written a V with their finger.

I called the cops, who found no sign of a break in, but told me to sleep somewhere else to be safe for a night. I did, and the next day came home to find nothing out of the ordinary. I was watching TV and the channel kept flipping to TCM, which was playing House on Haunted Hill. I was convinced I was communicating with a ghost (although I had no idea who yet) and let the movie run. It’s a good movie if you’ve never seen it. When it ended I tried speaking to the ghost, asking a series of questions and asking for knocks for yes or no.

It communicated that it was a ghost, just visiting our realm for fun. I decided to do sobering crazy then, something I saw in a movie. I held a pencil in my hand and started absent mindedly scribbling on paper. I saw it can be used to channel spirits and they can write when you do this. When I felt like I had finished I looked at the paper.

I’m Vincent Price I thought this was clear my friend

He usually comes by for a day or 2 every week, I think it’s just a fun trip for him. I’ve done more spirit writing and he’s said he can’t talk about the afterlife. When I push him he says “you can’t understand it at this point”.

If I leave out ingredients for food, he’ll prep simple things. Breadings, sauces, that kind of thing. It takes him all day and he either can’t or won’t actually cook things or use tools, just mixing things together. It’s still incredible.

I like to set a book on my coffee table since he enjoys that. One time as a joke I left Ready Player One out, and found it on the floor that night. When I spirit wrote later he said “utter trash, good Lord man”.

I’ve asked about relatives in the afterlife and he either doesn’t comment or once said “do you know everyone in the world? How should I?”. Once I asked why he was visiting me and he wrote “random, can’t be helped”.

I’ll leave his movies on TV sometimes, or play Thriller on loop. That usually seems to prompt more cooking, so I think it energizes him or something. He doesn’t discuss the physics of the thing at all.

Again, I don’t want this to stop, so I will never ever post a video for fear it would scare him off or prompt some investigative crap. I already asked him about sending this and he said “alright I guess, not proof of anything”. I also realize that most of you don’t believe me, which is the whole point.

# ? Feb 18, 2018 14:39

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

the Blackwell series reboot looks loving awesome :dance:

# ? Feb 18, 2018 15:05

Modus Pwnens: Dec 29, 2004

I sensibly chuckled at the Ready Player One part. Good fesh

# ? Feb 18, 2018 15:22

marathon Stairmaster sesh: Apr 28, 2009; ALL HAIL CEO NUGGET
1988-PRESENT

I belive in ghosts and I want Ghostwhisperer goon to ask Vincent Price his opinion on modern horror movies compared to his era of them.

Also I'm gonna assume this is what the goon in that confesh looks like:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrKYSL2_psQ

# ? Feb 18, 2018 18:08

axolotl farmer: May 17, 2007; Now I'm going to sing the Perry Mason theme

the cooking ghost of Vincent Price! :drac:

# ? Feb 19, 2018 09:09

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

ITT: people stealth market testing their wacky sitcom ideas.

# ? Feb 19, 2018 09:16

Brian Fellows: May 29, 2003; I'm Brian Fellows

Vincent Price my new favorite fesh ever.

# ? Feb 19, 2018 10:59

Android Blues: Nov 22, 2008

I would absolutely watch the mellow slice of life drama about this goon hanging out with the ghost of Vincent Price

# ? Feb 19, 2018 11:41

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I want a dead celebrity prep cook ghost.

# ? Feb 19, 2018 13:40

The Juggernaut: Nov 29, 2005

There is a Rifftrax of House on Haunted Hill on there website and also steaming on their Twitch!

# ? Feb 19, 2018 13:55

Beefed Owl: Sep 13, 2007; Come at me scrub-lord I'm ripped!

Well that took several weeks but I finally caught up after reading every confession in this thread. I have come to the conclusion that:

A. Therapy would be extremely useful in like 90% of these confessions.

B. Puppet master goon is a tool.

C. Therapy goon should give us more detail on wtf happened.

Good reads, except the alien/ghost/government conspiracy poo poo. Keep that poo poo in the creative writing threads.

# ? Feb 19, 2018 21:57

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Errr....this basically is a creative writing thread.

# ? Feb 19, 2018 21:58

thoughts and prayers: Apr 22, 2013; Love heals all wounds. We hope you continually carry love in your heart. Today and always, may loving memories bring you peace, comfort, and strength. We sympathize with the family of (Name). We shall never forget you in our prayers and thoughts. I am at a loss for words during this sorrowful time.

Dear Penthouse...

# ? Feb 20, 2018 05:35

Animal-Mother: Feb 14, 2012; RABBIT RABBIT
RABBIT RABBIT

I confess, I don't understand how this many people can afford therapy. From multiple therapists, multiple times. I'm not trying to discourage anyone who needs it from getting it, but I guess I don't make as much money as I thought I did.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 11:22

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

Animal-Mother posted:

I confess, I don't understand how this many people can afford therapy. From multiple therapists, multiple times. I'm not trying to discourage anyone who needs it from getting it, but I guess I don't make as much money as I thought I did.

If you live in a major city, you can find Therapy through a variety of outlets. Most colleges have a mental health office that employs interns working on their Masters or Doctorate and you can get in with them. Depending on the kinds of trauma you might have access to other free care. In Philly, for example, my therapist was a PhD student I saw for $10 an hour 2-3 times a week, and there were support systems in place for women and children who were victims of sex crimes including private therapy provided by the state.

For Rural Areas is recommended heading to the nearest college/university or contacting a local social services agency and seeing what options they have.

In general mental healthcare is prohibitively expensive but I promise you�ll find something if you look, I was so glad when I finally took the plunge to investigate and found something I could afford on peanuts.

Also a lot of lovely corporate healthcare plans cover a variety of therapies which is how they justify gouging your pay so hard for it.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 13:11

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Or just go to a bar and talk to the bartender. It's what they're there for. Well, that and making drinks, obviously.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 14:53

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

Solice Kirsk posted:

Or just go to a bar and talk to the bartender. It's what they're there for. Well, that and making drinks, obviously.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 15:11

vdarknight: Jul 4, 2007

Solice Kirsk posted:

Or just go to a bar and talk to the bartender. It's what they're there for. Well, that and making drinks, obviously.

I used to work in a bar and was always baffled by the amount of times people would confess the weirdest stuff or tell me their troubles. Why? I don't want to be your friend or confidant - I'm here to sell you booze. It's never occurred to me to start telling barstaff anything about me when I'm the customer.

Just weird.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 16:17

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

You were a bad bartender.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 17:13

grumplestiltzkin: Jun 7, 2012; Ass, gas, or grass. No one rides for free.

Re: barchat, if you drink somewhere with any regularity and start to notice you're getting some drinks for free, tip half of whatever they didn't charge you. You get half price drinks, bartender gets fat tips, everyone wins! You'll also likely notice more free drinks in the future.

Hot tips from retired alcoholics itt.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 18:00

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

There are many kinds of bartenders.

The best kind is the retail-faced mid-30s Pro, they will provide top quality service and let you bare your soul and always know what you�re after. I met one of my IRL best friends this way he�s probably one of the best guys ever.

The worst are the super attractive bartenders whose entire economy is being too �busy� to actually pay attention to anyone and then drunk morons think better tips will give you a better chance at breaking off a piece. The men and women who do this are scumbags.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 18:06

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Yeah, seriously, bar tenders are like drink therapists. Take care of them and they'll take care of you. They listen to your problems, you tip them decently, and next time you get free booze.

Plus you can bone them (with consent of course) and it'll be less awkward than boning your actual therapist.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 18:10

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Heads up, I'm traveling and Google locked me out of the feshmail account :shepface:

I PMed H.H to ask him to set the recovery email to mine so I can actually do something about this when it happens but am kinda stuck for the moment

# ? Feb 20, 2018 18:15

vdarknight: Jul 4, 2007

In my defense, I would listen if I had time (in a nightclub, you can just gently caress off. In a bar/pub, no problem).
I'd never tell other people what I'd heard - that'd be rude. Also we weren't allowed to take tips (UK so no real culture of that and the owner of the club was a oval office) so I had no financial obligation in pretending I gave a drat. My job was to get your drinks as quickly as possible, in a professional manner and get on to the next one. I did find it weird when customers came on to me, but I figured it was to try and get free drinks - not a chance. My till/booze out always balanced and if it didn't, I wasn't paid enough to cover poo poo like that. Never got an order wrong, didn't kill any customers. I think I did OK.

I just don't get why people would tell me things about their lives - WHY are you telling me this? What good will come of it?
I do appreciate that I'm the weirdo - I'd never dream of telling strangers about my poo poo, but then I won't talk to my family about stuff. My life, my problems. Not big on the trouble shared crap.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 18:39

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Please don't inflict your bullshit on poor captive members of the service industry.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 18:50

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

It�s healthy for people to get things off their chest and say their problems out loud. That�s why people go to therapists. It�s easy to see why sitting down and getting drunk and talking to a bartender who will just smile and nod, is easier for people than paying $150 an hour to spill your beans to a therapist who will tell you how hosed up you are.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 18:55

vdarknight: Jul 4, 2007

Me? I'm still in it - just don't work in bars anymore.

I still have to deal with the glorious public, and all the joys they bring. poo poo, syringes and screaming. Odd things to find in a museum but there you go..

# ? Feb 20, 2018 18:56

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I get why people do it, but it's kind of a waste. All you're going to get a "uhhuh, that sucks buddy" or incredibly obvious advice like "there's other fish in the sea" etc. If that helps people and the bartender doesn't mind, fine, but sometimes they are too needy and end up disrupting the bartender's job. Personally when I go to a bar when I'm feeling down I prefer to just stare off into space and drink what's in front of me. If I wanted/needed actual help I'd schedule an appointment with a therapist.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 19:08

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

vdarknight posted:

Me? I'm still in it - just don't work in bars anymore.

I still have to deal with the glorious public, and all the joys they bring. poo poo, syringes and screaming. Odd things to find in a museum but there you go..

Please tell me you're a curator and that people just dump their spikes in the dinosaur exhibits.

# ? Feb 20, 2018 19:13

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# ? May 10, 2024 15:30

metachronos: Sep 11, 2001; When I roll, baby I roll DEEP

RCarr posted:

It�s healthy for people to get things off their chest and say their problems out loud. That�s why people go to therapists. It�s easy to see why sitting down and getting drunk and talking to a bartender who will just smile and nod, is easier for people than paying $150 an hour to spill your beans to a therapist who will tell you how hosed up you are.

Yeah pretty much this. Most people don't want advice, they just want to vent. Plus therapists expect you to make some actual effort and actually making the lifestyle changes is the hard part.

metachronos fucked around with this message at 19:20 on Feb 20, 2018

# ? Feb 20, 2018 19:15

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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