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Farting on a CPAP machine will instantly wake up the wearer. It will also induce instant murder-rage at the same time. A bunch of us used to get together to cook BBQ, drink beer and tell lies. Three days in central Texas eating rich foods and drinking cheap domestic beer. As the years went on and everyone got older and fatter, a number of the guys had to start sleeping in the bunkhouse so that they could use CPAP machines to sleep. Us hardcore drinkers would hang out around the fire pit at night and discuss all sorts of stupid ideas. I don't know who had the idea to fart on a CPAP machine, but 10 minutes later a gaggle of drunks were tiptoeing through the bunkhouse trying to pick a victim. Our unfortunate target was dead asleep and the designated crop-duster squatted over the CPAP machine and cut loose. The victim startled awake and three expressions crossed his face in less than a second: surprise, revulsion, MURDER. He popped up out off his cot like he was spring-loaded. Cue all of us drunks trying to crash through the same door way to escape certain death and the rapidly spreading odor. Ever tried to running across a pasture with no light while drunk and being chased by an angry fat guy in his long johns? Eventually, he got tired and went back to the bunkhouse, yelling at all us of while we hid in the dark giggling. 10 years ago and I still laugh when I think about it.
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Feb 22, 2018 23:54
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PhotoKirk posted:Farting on a CPAP machine will instantly wake up the wearer. It will also induce instant murder-rage at the same time. 
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Feb 23, 2018 00:04
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PhotoKirk posted:Farting on a CPAP machine will instantly wake up the wearer. It will also induce instant murder-rage at the same time. 
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Feb 23, 2018 00:29
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My one claim to fame was filling an elevator completely on the way down from the 8th floor. At the bottom the doors opened and there was one guy waiting. I go out, he gets in, the doors shut, and then I hear "gently caress!" Poor guy! Also, this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWyM4vztVEs
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Feb 23, 2018 03:39
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I'm waiting for the day of my first colonoscopy, because I'm going to have someone there afterwards filming me, and I'm going to expel every bit of air in my colon in one go, and that poo poo is going on youtube. I plan on setting fart world records that day.
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Feb 23, 2018 06:54
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rndmnmbr posted:I'm waiting for the day of my first colonoscopy, because I'm going to have someone there afterwards filming me, and I'm going to expel every bit of air in my colon in one go, and that poo poo is going on youtube. I plan on setting fart world records that day. I'm waiting with bated butt breath
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Feb 23, 2018 06:56
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I'm substituting for a 7th grade English class. The kids are supposed to read chapters whatever through whatever in their books and they're having a hard time settling down. After about 20 minutes I finally get them calmed down and reading, the room is quiet, thank god. Eventually this girl asks if she can go to the restroom and I'm like yeah sure and she goes off. The door to this particular classroom takes a good 15-20 seconds to shut for whatever reason, and the door is still open as this other girl and boy are walking down the hall. Right as they are next to my room with the open door, the girl turns to the boy and yells "GOD <NAME> WILL YOU STOP FARTING?" I never did get control of that period again that day. e: from a couple pages back but Drive-Thru Salad Bar posted:What's your preferred way to announce or warn an incoming food ghost? One time my friends and I were settling down to sleep 3 of us in a room and right as it got quiet out of nowhere my friend goes in this singsong voice "Silence please, everybody freeze, da da da dadada" *BRAP* and it's one of the top 5 hardest laughs I've ever had in my life fast cars loose anus fucked around with this message at 07:46 on Feb 23, 2018 |
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Feb 23, 2018 07:27
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1) I was dozing on a riverbank after a night of drinking while a friend was fishing maybe 20 yards from me. I cut a long drawn out fart, which smells so bad and is so thick it filled the entire embankment with turd gas. My friend had to move to higher ground to escape. 2) I farted while taking a shower hungover. It was so vile I puked, thankfully I was already in the shower.
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Feb 23, 2018 07:44
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mycomancy posted:1) I was dozing on a riverbank after a night of drinking while a friend was fishing maybe 20 yards from me. I cut a long drawn out fart, which smells so bad and is so thick it filled the entire embankment with turd gas. My friend had to move to higher ground to escape. Farting in the shower is a game of Russian roulette because either you get away with one that's odorless or you really unleash the beast and the hot, muggy shower air amplifies the potency
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Feb 23, 2018 08:09
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I forgot about this classic Elise gem:elise the great posted:I stress-ate a bag of prunes yesterday and now I have unrighteous putrid death farts. Tonight I'm in the telemetry closet, assisting the tele tech at beep watching, and the charge nurse of the unit outside the closet is insisting that we keep the door closed 'for fire safety' as the open door protrudes three inches into the walkway. elise the great posted:I'm not allowed to step out! I've just bundled up a bunch of blankets and I'm farting into them like I'm stink-basting a cotton turkey. When they drop this pile of laundry in the washer it will emit Cherenkov blue. Hopefully this will preserve us both from rear end-inflicted inhalation burns. elise the great posted:Opened the tele closet door. Charge nurse sitting with her back to the closet.
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Feb 23, 2018 09:25
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rndmnmbr posted:I forgot about this classic Elise gem: Jesus loving lol, I'm snickering like an idiot trying not to wake up my fiancee
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Feb 23, 2018 10:04
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Skypie posted:Farting in the shower is a game of Russian roulette because either you get away with one that's odorless or you really unleash the beast and the hot, muggy shower air amplifies the potency It really is. I've gased myself to the point of stepping out of the shower. Waiting. Then going back in once the fart fan in my bathroom dissipates the turd smell. I had a friend who ate a bag of Doritos and it made him sick with some kind of food poisoning. But it all came at once. At random, in the shower. He said he felt like cutting a fart and tried to squeeze one out but immediately became nauseated and that was it; That little spasm you do to expel puke? Well, it also made him blast off a liquid rocket of poo, all up the wall of the shower while he barfed up Doritos. He said it was a sudden poo poo and puke explosion. His body blew up on the inside and only his skin was in tact, making him into a human colander of sick. He couldn't eat Doritos again for a while.
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Feb 23, 2018 14:02
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3YZ_gOEu0A I'm just as much at fault as anyone, but how has this not been posted yet??
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Feb 23, 2018 16:42
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Kak posted:Did anyone try the rear end against wet shower wall trick yet? Alright. I've done it. I took an afternoon shower and put my cheeks to use. At first, I didn't have the intention of making the fart experiment but the urge to let one rip suddenly hit me. Coffee had kicked in. So did my fancypants yogurt. In that same instant, I remembered this thread and the glorious story of Bloodfart McCoy. Naturally, I laughed like the immature retard I am for about 5 minutes and then promptly dropped my washcloth and turned to press my rear end against the wall. Buttcheeks spread. We have one of those vinyl or plastic stand up showers with the sliding door. It used to be a tub but I pulled that out and slapped in a shower. There's a little bit of room between the drywall underneath the shower liner and the actual shower wall itself. Not much. But if you press on the vinyl, it just pops in less than a half inch. With that in mind, I didn't press too hard. I also was sure to put the water on me before initiating this bathroom blast. It took a second for me to get the giggles under control. I accidentally squeezed out a few tiny toots because of that and I knew I had to just blurt it all out or else I'd ruin my mission. My effort was initially hit with disappointment because I tried bearing down and nothing was coming out. I thought I'd wasted my gas on laughing too drat hard and almost gave up but then a sudden rip caught me by surprise. It sounded like a giant wet zipper had been plugged into an amplifier. "FRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIPT!" The whole house heard it and my dog started barking. And here I am, in the shower with my rear end against the wall, laughing myself to tears. Also, the fart kinda hurt. Well, that's my GBS contribution today.  Edit: That little gap between vinyl and drywall made that poo poo looooooud. Papa Emeritus III fucked around with this message at 18:40 on Feb 23, 2018 |
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Feb 23, 2018 18:38
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you're doing the lord's work
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Feb 23, 2018 18:41
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Drive-Thru Salad Bar posted:you're doing the lord's work Tis a fruitful journey for me to guide others to the Lord. Now, press thine buttcheeks to the gilded tiles and make thine anus trumpet sing! Seriously, though. Someone else do this poo poo too and report back. It's a project. Rupert Buttermilk posted:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3YZ_gOEu0A This is loving hilarious.
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Feb 23, 2018 18:48
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70KHa9ajq4A
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Feb 23, 2018 18:59
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Papa Emeritus III posted:Alright. I've done it. I took an afternoon shower and put my cheeks to use. lol
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Feb 23, 2018 19:01
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hahahaha
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Feb 23, 2018 19:10
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Yeah, that's what the shower fart sounded like! Not quite as long, though. I didn't even think about the Chewy reference. Holy poo poo with that rear end of hers, though.
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Feb 23, 2018 19:29
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Again, only best fart stories. No such things as worst... - Decorating Christmas tree with family. I crouch under the tree to make sure it’s straight. Face down, rear end up. I release a good one. Smells like putrid death. Whole family clears room. I turn on The Exorcist and keep decorating the tree. -Turning back to shower while cupping your hand over your butt so the water pools around your rear end in a top hat. Fart and create a stinky jacuzzi in your own hand. More of a technique than a story really. -Cold winter mornings huffing hot rear end-gas underneath a pile of heavy blankets. Solo Dutch Oven heaven. -A girl farted right on my balls once. We were loving and she was on top. She claimed it was a queef, but it was totally a fart. That was kind of gross, but at least it’s funny. We kept banging. -Farting on my cat’s face and seeing the thinnest whiskers blow back slightly as his eyes squinted. -Accidentally farting during school and instinctively turning around to blame whoever was sitting directly behind me. I spin around and it’s the kid with lots of behavioral problems. No time to think. “KEVIN GROSS!!!” Before anyone has a chance to even react to the fart, Kevin instantly starts throwing a huge tantrum screaming it wasn’t him, throwing things and stomping around the classroom. Two teachers had to haul him out and his parents were called to take him home. It all happened so fast, no one suspected me.
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Feb 23, 2018 19:49
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Bloodfart McCoy posted:-Accidentally farting during school and instinctively turning around to blame whoever was sitting directly behind me. I spin around and it’s the kid with lots of behavioral problems. No time to think. “KEVIN GROSS!!!” Before anyone has a chance to even react to the fart, Kevin instantly starts throwing a huge tantrum screaming it wasn’t him, throwing things and stomping around the classroom. Two teachers had to haul him out and his parents were called to take him home. It all happened so fast, no one suspected me. There was a thread years ago called "things you did as a child and regret/feel bad about" and I swear this story was in there. Or a variation of it. Was it you who posted in there? Either way, I lol'd hard.
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Feb 23, 2018 19:54
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Bloodfart McCoy posted:-Farting on my cat’s face and seeing the thinnest whiskers blow back slightly as his eyes squinted. My fiancee did this once. We were watching a movie and she stood up and said she needed to get a drink. Our cat was sitting on the ottoman by the wall and she says, "Hey, Talos, I got something for you" and then BRRRRPPPTTTT right in his face
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Feb 23, 2018 19:58
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The 2nd time I ever went down on a girl she farted just a little. It was just like a little "pffff" and was mostly air. I wasn't really disgusted but knew if I laughed I'd remain a virgin until college.
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Feb 23, 2018 21:13
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My brother was touring the east coast with his then gf when they went to the Statue of Liberty. Beforehand he had a Philly Cheese Steak and was feeling some rumbling. Well when he was climbing up it was really narrow and there was an old lady behind him. I guess he let out this SBD right on this old ladies face and she kind of like groaned and slunk down. He made sure to avoid her for the rest of the tour.
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Feb 23, 2018 21:20
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I'll see you, and raise you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBrXErFMfR8
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Feb 24, 2018 00:14
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You Are A Elf posted:I'll see you, and raise you: drat bitch, go wipe. 
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Feb 24, 2018 00:27
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You Are A Elf posted:I'll see you, and raise you: That almost sounds like a queef Anyway, here's the Crack of Dawn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jokDhq5BkyA
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Feb 24, 2018 01:06
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Papa Emeritus III posted:drat bitch, go wipe. How many people did you have to say this to when you were in jail?
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Feb 24, 2018 01:10
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Skypie posted:How many people did you have to say this to when you were in jail? Sadly, my friend, quite a few.
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Feb 24, 2018 01:12
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You Are A Elf posted:I'll see you, and raise you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLKnCeeAW48
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Feb 24, 2018 01:22
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Papa Emeritus III posted:Sadly, my friend, quite a few. We had to kick an apprentice out of a wire pulling crew one day. The day before he'd been flapping his butt cheeks like that lady ALL loving DAY. It was muggy in the outdoor wire house and he turned it into a steamy death box. Haha funny stuff, whatever. Next day though, he walked in first thing in the morning and as soon as he entered, he reeked of swamp rear end and liquor. Apparently, he had sharted a couple times the day prior, went home, drank a case of beer, passed out without showering or changing and didn't wake up til he was gonna be late for work and bolted out the door. We all were like  and kicked him off the site for the day so he could go take a goddamn shower
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Feb 24, 2018 01:23
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Skypie posted:We had to kick an apprentice out of a wire pulling crew one day. The day before he'd been flapping his butt cheeks like that lady ALL loving DAY. It was muggy in the outdoor wire house and he turned it into a steamy death box. Haha funny stuff, whatever. Oh gross. Swamp rear end is the worst in muggy weather, too. I don't know how men deal with it. I hate it and I don't even have any junk down there. We had a few inmates that were incontinent and would be issued adult diapers. Without fail, one lady would poo poo the bed each night. She wasn't all there mentally but was actually pretty nice. She just didn't have any family to take care of her and was homeless, got popped for an open container violation. Usually they just issue tickets for that but it was her 900th time or something. There was another crazy lady that would put toothpaste in her ears to "keep the voices away". I had to sit next to her in booking and I was about to puke from the smell; It wasn't poo, but she had TONS of glitter nail polish on her hair and on her face. It was like sitting next to an acetone vat. I had the personal glory of being in a single cell while detoxing off of heroin. After being booked, they had a record of me being baker acted at the VA and "took precaution". I ended up in a cell with no blanket, no sheets, and no clothes. They give you a paper gown that is literally made of napkin material. It is also loving freezing in there. It is absolute torture. Detoxing off of opiates gave me the hershey squirts for three days. Whoever was monitoring me must have been wooed by my rear end-gurgle serenade. Ugh.
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Feb 24, 2018 01:38
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Papa Emeritus III posted:Alright. I've done it. I took an afternoon shower and put my cheeks to use. lmao
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Feb 24, 2018 01:45
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:Once, a bunch of friends and I were hanging around, doing stupid wrestler poo poo during a sleepover, we were probably 11-12 years old, you know how it was. Goofing around, making jokes, etc. At one point, one of the kids, Josh, who was always a little slow and "off" said that we should see who could make the loudest and worst fart. Of course, we're all interested. I knew a kid in highschool that had a special talent He was one of the popular skater kids who made fun of everyone and created catch phrases everyone parroted until the next one came along He would sit on the stage (music class) so it was one of those hollow wooden stages with carpet covering it , hunch over on his hands and knees and like some kind of hosed up human bellows.... suck air in through his rear end in a top hat. This allowed him to basically fill his rear end with air and then eject it out at will It never really stank but dude could crank out the loudest trailing farts I had heard in a long time Anyways I thought that was maybe what your friend was trying to do , but the poo poo caked rear end in a top hat baffles me
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Feb 24, 2018 01:52
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Oh. I just remembered that I may have caused someone to fail his aptitude test when we were applying to the apprenticeship. The test is split into two parts, English then math. I had fast food for dinner the night prior, fast food for breakfast. English part went fine but I started to stress about the math part because I realized I'd been spending too much time perfectly showing everything. The instructor called for half an hour and I started rushing. But the stress and two fast food meals were now mixing badly. At the half hour left call out, I couldn't hold it in. I ripped a massive but silent poot and boy howdy was it vile. One guy behind and to my left started snickering, the lady behind went "oh Jesus, what is that" under her breath. A minute later when it filtered further back, the guy burst out "oh hell no, who the gently caress was that?" The instructor told him no talking or he'd fail, but he kept muttering for the last bit of the test. As the tests were being collected he said, "gently caress, man. I couldn't concentrate after someone poo poo on half the room." I didn't see him for the interview round a few weeks later. 
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Feb 24, 2018 01:54
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Skypie posted:Oh. I just remembered that I may have caused someone to fail his aptitude test when we were applying to the apprenticeship. The test is split into two parts, English then math. I had fast food for dinner the night prior, fast food for breakfast. English part went fine but I started to stress about the math part because I realized I'd been spending too much time perfectly showing everything. The instructor called for half an hour and I started rushing. But the stress and two fast food meals were now mixing badly. Oh poo poo. Well, now you've done it!
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Feb 24, 2018 01:58
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im freaking the heck out posted:My brother was touring the east coast with his then gf when they went to the Statue of Liberty. Beforehand he had a Philly Cheese Steak and was feeling some rumbling. Well when he was climbing up it was really narrow and there was an old lady behind him. I guess he let out this SBD right on this old ladies face and she kind of like groaned and slunk down. He made sure to avoid her for the rest of the tour. Bloodfart McCoy posted:
These two stories combined just made me laugh like a fool in a crowded restaurant so hard i started crying
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Feb 24, 2018 02:01
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Papa Emeritus III posted:Oh poo poo. Well, now you've done it! I got my buddy and myself in trouble during a presentation from one of the business agents right before we topped out. Lunch didn't sit well with me and I kept sneaking out SBDs. After about the fourth one in half an hour, he blurts out "Jesus, whoever is doing that, can you please stop! I'm dying back here!" The hall agent goes "someone cutting the cheese back there?" and I couldn't hold in my laughter. My buddy is like "ah dude, come on! I trusted you, and this is what I get!" The instructor told me if I farted again, he'd personally see to it I was the first one in the class laid off when we graduated. When the presentation got back on track, he wandered to the back of the room where we were sitting. When the hall agent was done and left, he leaned on my shoulder and said "I was just messing with you, so you know. Check this out." Then while he was leaned on my shoulder, he ripped a megaphone fart right in my buddy's face 
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Feb 24, 2018 02:06
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Feb 24, 2018 02:12
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