Help! I've turned into a Cat! Let's Play Choice of the Cat!

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Video Games > Let's Play! > Help! I've turned into a Cat! Let's Play Choice of the Cat!

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Slaan: Mar 16, 2009; ASHERAH DEMANDS I FEAST, I VOTE FOR A FEAST OF FLESH

Very dumb :effort:

# ? Mar 2, 2018 23:32

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# ? Jun 9, 2024 11:10

Willie Tomg: Feb 2, 2006

What a sweetheart, lets play!

Ideally for greatest efficiency we'd be planning this in advance with another cat, but you troll humans with the dog you have not the can't you don't.

# ? Mar 2, 2018 23:38

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

Dumb.

# ? Mar 3, 2018 00:43

dont be mean to me: May 2, 2007; I'm interplanetary, bitch
Let's go to Mars

2. Playtime.

# ? Mar 3, 2018 01:11

bibliosabreur: Oct 21, 2017

I do love how we apparently go through things telling ourselves that no, this is purely to manipulate the big lug, we don't actually enjoy playtime when actually we totally do and look for every opportunity to play with the lovable oaf. :3:

# ? Mar 3, 2018 03:29

SimplyUnknown1: Aug 18, 2017; Cat Cat Cat

Ok, no one thought that playing with Bene was either awesome or terrifying. But two of us believed that it would be dumb and 7 thought it was sweet so let's play with a dog!

quote:

Playing along involves a game you've never heard of. Bene's tail increases speed, and he skips like a child to see if you actually want to play it with him. Step one involves unusual logistics, like opening the pantry so that both of you can enter. You slide in easily and lever yourself inside the gap, pushing it wider for Bene. He enters with his tail smacking hard on each side of the door.

The inside of the pantry is still and cool and dark. Nice enough on its own, but as a bonus, there's food in here. Tons of it, stacked up to the ceiling in ranks of shelves and jars. Step two of Bene's game is the extraction of some of this food�though of all the splendid foodstuffs, he turns and indicates the most boring thing imaginable: the veggie drawer, one of those white, wire-grid constructions that are extremely hard to open.

It turns out that he wants to share the "fun" with you, because he's got the routine down pat all on his own. You watch and learn as he deftly jams a paw inside the gap above the drawer and the frame, scraping it back hard toward himself.

It's not an exact science, and he looks a little sheepish as potatoes and onions spill out everywhere, but the prize he's after is freed in the process. It's a carrot�the biggest one in there and apparently brilliant for gnawing. You exit the cupboard with your giant accomplice, refusing politely when he indicates he'll share. He lies down on his tummy, grinding his teeth along the firm but pliant surface of his trophy, orange chunks littering the floor.

And that is why my family only bought the baby carrots.

quote:

Outside, in the hallway, you hear stilted goodbyes and the click of a closing front door�and immediately after, a loud "Where do they get these people?" from Andre.

"I'm pretty sure the stuff in the Bible about how to treat one's neighbors does not read 'Go forth and irritate the poo poo out of them,'" he says to himself as he stomps toward the kitchen. He opens the door to the sight of a dog on a bed of orange shreddings. That, and a cat who's surrounded by potatoes.

"Oh, for gently caress's sake," Andre says. "Could you guys make this morning get more stressful?" He frowns as he looks from you to Bene, then from Bene to you. He's clearly in some kind of quandary about who's ultimately responsible�a flattering reading of your wondrous abilities, but not exactly rational. You've been warned about the "human factor," whereby people will see what they prefer to be the truth and ignore what they do not. Considering how well Bene is loved, this could put you at a massive disadvantage.

When Bene slinks off, hangdog, to his basket, more onions migrate across the floor. When they slam into the baseboard, something snaps inside of Andre. A yell starts building in his throat�you can tell because his neck has gone bright red. Bene, unversed in the art of lies and artifice, looks rather panicked. Andre, for his part, is on the verge of a rationality implosion. The full allocation of blame is something you're going to have to steer�but how?

-Let Bene take the blame, and revel in looking like the good guy.
-Perform further wild antics to imply I'm the culprit, so Bene escapes the blame.
-Share the blame. I feel it's only fair.

Oh...um, well this is awkward. I mean, technically, we didn't do anything. So it's not like we deserve to be punished. But how will we handle the blame fest?

1. Let Bene take the blame, and revel in looking like the good guy.
2. Perform further wild antics to imply I'm the culprit, so Bene escapes the blame.
3. Share the blame. I feel it's only fair.

quote:

Cat Treats Acquired: 2
Mice Hunted: 0
Contempt: 37% Affection: 63%
Audacious: 52% Cautious: 48%
Manipulative: 55% Demanding: 45%
Self-Interested: 60% Loyal: 40%
Feral: 53% Domesticated: 47%
Fun-Loving: 55% Comfort-Seeking: 45%
Logical: 45% Intuitive: 55%
Claire's Dislike: 33% Claire's Like: 67%
Andre's Dislike: 35% Andre's Like: 65%
Moon: is intrigued by you.
Bene: is your friend.
Maddox: hasn't met you yet.

Also, We made friends with Bene! :yotj:

# ? Mar 4, 2018 15:32

Gwaint: Oct 22, 2010; "Music is the truth. Just listen..."

We need to think about this. If we let Bene take the fall he�s gonna feel hurt and that�s no good, either for our friendship or any potential plans we hatch where Bene is needed as an ally.
On the other hand, we�re still new to the house - making ourselves look like troublemakers may not bode well for our future living with these humans.

In the end, we should share the blame as this way neither negative outcome will be too much.

# ? Mar 4, 2018 18:12

Avalerion: Oct 19, 2012

Share the blame.

# ? Mar 4, 2018 19:23

VivaLa Eeveelution: Apr 3, 2011

2. Sure, Andre, I'm entirely responsible. Even for the shredded carrot that was thicker than my neck and is still crumbed around Bene's mouth. You bipedal furless rear end. [wacky exeunt stage thataway]

# ? Mar 4, 2018 19:43

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Share the blame, I guess. Although a real cat would avoid it whenever possible, I doubt the voting will swing that way.

# ? Mar 4, 2018 19:48

Angrymog: Jan 30, 2012; Really Madcats

Share the blame.

Also, Bene, is clearly smarter than he looks.

# ? Mar 4, 2018 21:19

achtungnight: Oct 5, 2014; I get my fun here. Enjoy!

Share the blame even though it's clear- the Dog is the Mastermind!

# ? Mar 4, 2018 21:31

AJ_Impy: Jun 17, 2007; SWORD OF SMATTAS. CAN YOU NOT HEAR A WORLD CRY OUT FOR JUSTICE? WHEN WILL YOU DELIVER IT?; Yam Slacker

The entire point of 'befriending the Dog is to be a convenient scapegoat. The Dog did it.

# ? Mar 5, 2018 10:26

Space Kablooey: May 6, 2009

Blame the dog!

# ? Mar 5, 2018 15:15

Carbon dioxide: Oct 9, 2012

HardDiskD posted:

Blame the dog!

# ? Mar 5, 2018 19:02

SimplyUnknown1: Aug 18, 2017; Cat Cat Cat

Ok, only one of us wanted to take all the blame for something we didn't do, and three of us wanted to put all the blame on Bene. But five votes pulled an early lead for sharing, so that's what we'll do!

quote:

Bene shivers as Andre's accusatory gaze slides back and forth between the two of you. Andre, as the one who always walks him, is clearly the center of his world. The very thought of a scolding from this man almost breaks his doggy heart all on its own. It's clear that letting Bene take all the blame would be not only unfair but also cruel.

You move to sit next to him, watching those woeful eyes of his as you slump onto your haunches and raise your head to take your share of the blame honorably.

Human minds have their own kind of logic. Frustrating, usually, but it sometimes works to one's advantage. Seeing his pets exchange glances, Andre assumes you're accomplices. His rage ensues, divided between both of you.

"Ten minutes!" he shouts. "That's all I asked! What the hell were you both thinking?"

As he rummages loudly under the sink, a cloth and rubber gloves fly past your nose. He stalks past, grabbing them dramatically and slinging them on with a snap that makes Bene jump. Bene catches a more personalized earful.

"You have been warned before, Bene," Andre scolds, storming toward the pantry now and pulling out the open bag of carrots. "These are going up here." He waves the bag in Bene's face first, and then slings it up onto the fridge. "As for you," he says, turning toward you, "you're on thin ice as well. Rescue cat�what the hell were we thinking?" Bene's expression is slack with sadness. He turns toward you, plaintive-eyed, but grateful. He's glad, at least, not to bear the full extent of Andre's rage.

When Andre's neck has finally faded from bright red back to pale, the two of you breathe easier, glancing again at each other in mutual support.

"Right, and now I really am late," Andre says. He herds you from the room and shuts Bene in the kitchen on his own. He's about to imprison you in the laundry room when he lets out a moan. "Hell. My essays."

He runs, heavy-footed, upstairs. Thudding back down, he goes straight for the door, his freshly graded essays swaying precariously.

"Just please, for God's sake, don't wreck the place," he calls behind him as the door slams.

Already it's been a big morning. Cat fact number 47: For optimal health, domestic felines should aim to sleep for fifteen hours a day. Remembering that fact, you'd really like a nap. From the kitchen, you hear the creaking wicker sound of Bene settling into his basket, apparently doing the same.

Baskets�there's a thing. It's not like you actually need one, but Bene has one, so why shouldn't you? They're fun to ignore in favor of patches of sun, and humans go to such great pains to make you want to use them. You'd like an expensive one. The more costly baskets are, the more people flap around when you totally avoid acknowledging them. In the absence of such luxuries, you consider your current napping options.

-The burgundy sofa in the living room.
-The first sunny patch I spot.
-The clothes basket in the laundry room.
-The sun- and cushion-covered window seat up in Moon's room.
-The dark safety of the coat closet.

Ok, after all that, we need to sleep. So, where is our new napping spot?

1. The burgundy sofa in the living room.
2. The first sunny patch I spot.
3. The clothes basket in the laundry room.
4. The sun- and cushion-covered window seat up in Moon's room.
5. The dark safety of the coat closet.

quote:

Cat Treats Acquired: 2
Mice Hunted: 0
Contempt: 37% Affection: 63%
Audacious: 52% Cautious: 48%
Manipulative: 55% Demanding: 45%
Self-Interested: 54% Loyal: 46%
Feral: 53% Domesticated: 47%
Fun-Loving: 55% Comfort-Seeking: 45%
Logical: 45% Intuitive: 55%
Claire's Dislike: 33% Claire's Like: 67%
Andre's Dislike: 35% Andre's Like: 65%
Moon: is intrigued by you.
Bene: is your friend.
Maddox: hasn't met you yet.

Oddly enough, that event didn't affect either Bene or Andre's affection for us. Huh.

# ? Mar 6, 2018 22:47

Avalerion: Oct 19, 2012

Clothes basket.

# ? Mar 6, 2018 22:50

achtungnight: Oct 5, 2014; I get my fun here. Enjoy!

Sleep in the sun. 15 hours? I thought cats needed at least 21 if not more!

# ? Mar 6, 2018 22:53

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

The sunny spot is the best spot.

# ? Mar 6, 2018 22:58

Slaan: Mar 16, 2009; ASHERAH DEMANDS I FEAST, I VOTE FOR A FEAST OF FLESH

best spot is sunny spot

# ? Mar 6, 2018 23:14

AJ_Impy: Jun 17, 2007; SWORD OF SMATTAS. CAN YOU NOT HEAR A WORLD CRY OUT FOR JUSTICE? WHEN WILL YOU DELIVER IT?; Yam Slacker

Where the sun shines, I sleep.

# ? Mar 6, 2018 23:16

Willie Tomg: Feb 2, 2006

Sun spots are a fine antidote for a chaotic morning.

# ? Mar 7, 2018 00:30

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

In the sun.

# ? Mar 7, 2018 02:08

VivaLa Eeveelution: Apr 3, 2011

It was less about taking the blame and more about pissing off Andre because it's funny. :colbert:

Anyway, there's two sunny spots. The one that appeals to me is the sunny, cushiony, diplomatic spot to make the small one chillax around us.

# ? Mar 7, 2018 03:33

dont be mean to me: May 2, 2007; I'm interplanetary, bitch
Let's go to Mars

*Concern.*

Moon's window seat.

# ? Mar 7, 2018 05:15

Space Kablooey: May 6, 2009

First sunny spot

# ? Mar 8, 2018 19:47

SimplyUnknown1: Aug 18, 2017; Cat Cat Cat

Ok, so there was a lot of votes for sunny spot. But as was pointed out by VivaLa Eeveelution, there are two sunny spots. But I just assumed that all the votes that didn't specify Moon's room were for the first sunny spot because I'm lazy and didn't want to have to wait for everyone to revote/clarify. So we ended up with 1 vote for the clothes basket, 2 votes for Moon's room, and 7 votes for the first sunny spot we find!

quote:

Your fatigued feline eyes scan the hallway. The windows on each side of the door don't actually face the sun, so you trudge to the living room to check that out. A corner of the big bay window has a triangle of gold moving inward�a patch of sun that will grow as the day shifts on. You plod over, turn once, and flop into a half-formed curve, sleeping with your paws outstretched.

When you wake, it's to a very clunky ddrrringgg. A moment's pause, and the sound comes again, accompanied by Bene's barking. The combination is as irritating as it is insistent. You wonder what's actually going on.

-I think it's the doorbell, and a very impatient visitor.
-Do people still actually have those big phones on cords?
-Claire and Andre seem like they'd have a burglar alarm. Maybe there's a burglar.

Well, short update. And no, I don't think people still use corded phones. At least, I hope not. So, what do we think it is?

1. I think it's the doorbell, and a very impatient visitor.
2. Do people still actually have those big phones on cords?
3. Claire and Andre seem like they'd have a burglar alarm. Maybe there's a burglar.

quote:

Cat Treats Acquired: 2
Mice Hunted: 0
Contempt: 37% Affection: 63%
Audacious: 52% Cautious: 48%
Manipulative: 55% Demanding: 45%
Self-Interested: 54% Loyal: 46%
Feral: 53% Domesticated: 47%
Fun-Loving: 55% Comfort-Seeking: 45%
Logical: 45% Intuitive: 55%
Claire's Dislike: 33% Claire's Like: 67%
Andre's Dislike: 35% Andre's Like: 65%
Moon: is intrigued by you.
Bene: is your friend.
Maddox: hasn't met you yet.

# ? Mar 8, 2018 23:10

achtungnight: Oct 5, 2014; I get my fun here. Enjoy!

Burglar! We could use some action!

# ? Mar 8, 2018 23:59

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Probably just the doorbell.

# ? Mar 9, 2018 00:08

Avalerion: Oct 19, 2012

Visitor.

# ? Mar 9, 2018 00:10

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

Phone

# ? Mar 9, 2018 01:28

Goatse James Bond: Mar 28, 2010; If you see me posting please remind me that I have Charlie Work in the reports forum to do instead

happened twice, it's probably a phone

or if it's the doorbell, they're a disrespectful monkey and deserve whatever they get

# ? Mar 9, 2018 02:13

Space Kablooey: May 6, 2009

Phone! We should answer it.

# ? Mar 9, 2018 05:16

VivaLa Eeveelution: Apr 3, 2011

It's one of those doorbells, innit? For humans whose claws are too weak to simply scratch the door.

Which is all of them these days. A clear epidemic, I say.

# ? Mar 9, 2018 14:46

SimplyUnknown1: Aug 18, 2017; Cat Cat Cat

Ok, so one vote for a burglar and then a tie between phone and doorbell with three votes apiece. Heads is doorbell, tails is phone and... it's tails! It's a phone!

quote:

You shiver as you stand. The sun has moved on while you were asleep, and it winks cheekily at you from its new spot off to your side. A quick trot, and you're at the living-room door, peering out into the hall. Your whiskers flick as your head moves side to side, looking for the source of the sound. You glance at the hallway table�a decorative, curly-legged piece with no apparent purpose. In this house, it turns out, holding up archaic objects is a purpose in itself. This table's whole existence is to hold up a phone that does not work. It has no chord, just black-and-gold filigree and potential resale value.

As the ringing repeats, the ornamental object stays still. Your gaze slides away from the shrine to dead telecoms and over to a box above the door. It vibrates as the ringing comes again.

From the kitchen, Bene starts whining to punctuate his barks. Keeping low to the ground, you sneak up to the windows that surround the front door. They're narrow art-deco affairs with leading that curves up into flower shapes at the top, and a layer of green at the bottom. They're almost floor-to-ceiling glass, and handy to look out of.

You see Helmut, the controversial neighbor, in a suit the color of sun-dried tomatoes. He jiggles his legs and punches at the doorbell with his finger. When no one comes to answer, he presses his face into the glass. His nose smashes flat on the window, and his brow smears sweat along the pane. He was ugly enough to begin with, and this facial distortion is clearly not rectifying the situation.

Bene, for some reason, goes quiet. Whether tired or just losing all interest, the action is all up to you.

-He makes people famous. I'll use this as an opportunity to show him I'm awesome and talented.
-Demurely attract his attention, then turn my rear end to him. That'll show him what I think of cat bashers.
-Try every manic tactic I know so he'll notice me. Attention from anyone is good.
-Sit smugly in full view of the window, preventing a powerful man from getting what he wants.

...Ok, it looks like we were wrong. It was a doorbell. Anyways, how do we want to handle this guy who apparently beats his cat?

1. He makes people famous. I'll use this as an opportunity to show him I'm awesome and talented.
2. Demurely attract his attention, then turn my rear end to him. That'll show him what I think of cat bashers.
3. Try every manic tactic I know so he'll notice me. Attention from anyone is good.
4. Sit smugly in full view of the window, preventing a powerful man from getting what he wants.

quote:

Cat Treats Acquired: 2
Mice Hunted: 0
Contempt: 37% Affection: 63%
Audacious: 52% Cautious: 48%
Manipulative: 55% Demanding: 45%
Self-Interested: 54% Loyal: 46%
Feral: 53% Domesticated: 47%
Fun-Loving: 55% Comfort-Seeking: 45%
Logical: 45% Intuitive: 55%
Claire's Dislike: 33% Claire's Like: 67%
Andre's Dislike: 35% Andre's Like: 65%
Moon: is intrigued by you.
Bene: is your friend.
Maddox: hasn't met you yet.

# ? Mar 10, 2018 21:20

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Time for cat butt.

# ? Mar 10, 2018 21:28

Space Kablooey: May 6, 2009

Cat rear time!

# ? Mar 10, 2018 21:34

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

Sit smug

# ? Mar 10, 2018 22:01

Slaan: Mar 16, 2009; ASHERAH DEMANDS I FEAST, I VOTE FOR A FEAST OF FLESH

Smug cat, best cat

# ? Mar 10, 2018 22:09

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# ? Jun 9, 2024 11:10

achtungnight: Oct 5, 2014; I get my fun here. Enjoy!

Cat Ethic Rule- If you must face someone, do it with your butt.

# ? Mar 10, 2018 22:16

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Video Games > Let's Play! > Help! I've turned into a Cat! Let's Play Choice of the Cat!

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