Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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The Butcher: Apr 20, 2005; Well, at least we tried.; Nap Ghost

HerStuddMuffin posted:

Late to the time travel party, but if you are keeping track of your position using some sort of homing beacon and need to backward in time further than the beacon has existed, it�s easy. Just take the beacon with you.

Everyone knows this breaks the time machine, you loving idiot.

# ? Mar 17, 2018 03:31

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# ? May 11, 2024 13:32

Harry Potter on Ice: Nov 4, 2006; IF IM NOT BITCHING ABOUT HOW SHITTY MY LIFE IS, REPORT ME FOR MY ACCOUNT HAS BEEN HIJACKED

Odd posted:

How does one do this? Asking for my biology thesis

doesn't really work because the balls are in the way too. Dude you're talking to is a big dick having phony

SniperWoreConverse posted:

If you ain't 8" soft gtfo

*gently caress your own rear end

# ? Mar 17, 2018 03:33

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Back to the Future is one of the only major time travel franchises where the time machine isn't implicitly (or sometimes explicitly) also a teleporter. Possibly because it's where the time machine is built into a vehicle.

# ? Mar 17, 2018 04:17

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

I dunno if "the time machine" is the first time machine or not, but that's no teleporter. There's also various olden times ones that are more like astral projection or consciousness-transference or something like that.

Probably if you could make a time machine you would either know that spacial drift isn't a concern because of relativity or whatever, or you could also solve that problem with the time machine itself. World-lines or some poo poo I dunno.

# ? Mar 17, 2018 04:31

Slowpoke Rodriguez: Jun 20, 2009

For a time machine to be a time machine the location problem would inherently have to be solved, or else it would just be a make you die machine, and those are much easier to build.

# ? Mar 17, 2018 07:18

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

yeah but if you have a time machine you could just have never existed in the first place, for the overachievers who really wanna make themselves die.

# ? Mar 17, 2018 07:21

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Just go back in time in one minute bursts. That way you're only ever 21,667 miles away from where you started each time.

# ? Mar 17, 2018 14:44

vortmax: Sep 24, 2008; In meteorology, vorticity often refers to a measurement of the spin of horizontally flowing air about a vertical axis.

SniperWoreConverse posted:

yeah but if you have a time machine you could just have never existed in the first place, for the overachievers who really wanna make themselves die.

To join the Statis you must first kill your own grandfather, unhooking you from the timeline. At graduation into an Agent, you have to kill yourself a few seconds in the past. (Palimpsest by Charles Stross is my favorite time travel story.)

# ? Mar 17, 2018 15:36

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Goon with the wife that was watching the babysitter video here.

So we had a really REALLY big discussion about what happened. She swears up and down that it was the first time she ever did something like that, but I snooped around on her laptop before I talked to her and there were three different videos in a hidden file.

I know she's lying, but I don't want to say anything about it because she has agreed to go to couple's therapy with me and to consider seeing a psychiatrist on her own. A lot of issues I didn't know she was having came out in our discussion and we're going to need to work through them. It wasn't so much of the "voyeur" aspect that she was getting off on, but the dirtiness/wrongness of it. I guess ever since we've had our kid she's been having really terrible thoughts and she didn't want to tell me because they've been scaring her. She says she's feeling less and less like herself and that she's trying to hold on to who she is but thinks it's all slipping away. She said it's feeling like the harder she tries to hold on the worse her grip on herself becomes and she doesn't like what's happening in her head.

I'm just really worried about my wife and I just want to find a way or someone or something to help her. I've been crying off and on because I don't know how to protect her from something like this and I feel powerless. It's my job to keep her safe, but I can't.

It seems to me like deciding it's your job to keep your wife "safe" from her own issues is taking on a little too much

I'm glad she's in therapy; it's kind of up to her now. You can help in the couples therapy part of it, but please don't try to take primary responsibility here.

quote:

For the past few months, I have become obsessed with the occult. I have spent a couple thousand dollars on old grimoires and "spell" materials on ebay and have been desperate to see any result. I've tried summoning demons mostly and offered my soul up, but there were no takers. I tried summoning angels, I tried cursing people, I was so sure eventually something in these books would work.

It didn't and now I just have a shitload of candles and useless books. so what the gently caress

magic is fake~~~

Alternately your soul just kinda sucks

# ? Mar 17, 2018 22:16

Mycroft Holmes: Mar 26, 2010; by Azathoth

the number one reason magic is fake is because if it wasn't it would be on the stock market already.

# ? Mar 17, 2018 22:25

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Yeah Satan never bought literal souls, it's a metaphor. The souls of mortals are practically worthless

# ? Mar 17, 2018 22:28

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

That guy kind of reminds me of the one who tried to summon a succubus to gently caress way earlier in this thread.

# ? Mar 17, 2018 22:32

Caganer: Feb 15, 2018

SniperWoreConverse posted:

Yeah Satan never bought literal souls, it's a metaphor. The souls of mortals are practically worthless

but much like "worthless" books if you gather up a couple hundred you can at least get enough for a bottle of jack at the soul equivalent of the guy who buys tin cans

# ? Mar 17, 2018 22:45

marathon Stairmaster sesh: Apr 28, 2009; ALL HAIL CEO NUGGET
1988-PRESENT

Occult goon: The reason why you aren't summoning stuff is because God thinks you're just like all the others and just want to do a summoning for having sex with the summoned being. You also sold your soul as a child for candy which means Satan already has your soul so why bother having an incubus/succubus show up.

# ? Mar 17, 2018 23:19

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Having sex with a succubus would be sooooo much pressure. There's no way you'd be the best she's had and you'd probably wind up disappointing her. Having a literal sex demon laugh at your junk has to be a big hit to the ol' ego.

# ? Mar 18, 2018 16:29

Mycroft Holmes: Mar 26, 2010; by Azathoth

i'd just want to cuddle. its been a long time since i cuddled.

# ? Mar 18, 2018 18:18

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

On the gross/pathetic scale which is worse: eating out a hooker, or eating out a succubus? I think I'm leaning succubus.

# ? Mar 18, 2018 18:25

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I'd say that any succubus who is good at her job would be encouraging and supportive all the time because you can't suck out a guy's life force through his dong if he's too busy crying in the fetal position to gently caress

but then they ARE demons, who's to say :shrug:

# ? Mar 18, 2018 18:46

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I think going down on the hooker would be worse. I think a demon would have some sort of magic to keep the scabies away. They may even be able to change the flavor to what ever you want. An RC flavored vagina. Or blue Gatorade.

# ? Mar 18, 2018 20:04

Beefed Owl: Sep 13, 2007; Come at me scrub-lord I'm ripped!

Solice Kirsk posted:

I think going down on the hooker would be worse. I think a demon would have some sort of magic to keep the scabies away. They may even be able to change the flavor to what ever you want. An RC flavored vagina. Or blue Gatorade.

Or, you know, a flavor that's actually good

# ? Mar 18, 2018 20:19

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

Solice Kirsk posted:

Having sex with a succubus would be sooooo much pressure. There's no way you'd be the best she's had and you'd probably wind up disappointing her. Having a literal sex demon laugh at your junk has to be a big hit to the ol' ego.

My nigga have you tried The Name of the Wind

# ? Mar 18, 2018 20:57

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Torquemada posted:

My nigga have you tried The Name of the Wind

Boy have I!

# ? Mar 18, 2018 20:59

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

TurboFlamingChicken posted:

Or, you know, a flavor that's actually good

Different strokes brother. RC is the best of the dark sodas. Followed by Cherry Coke, Dr. Pepper, and various root beers.

# ? Mar 18, 2018 21:00

SavageGentleman: Feb 28, 2010; When she finds love may it always stay true.
This I beg for the second wish I made too.; Fallen Rib

Occult goon: Do more meditation, your video-game addled brain is not yet able to sense the horde of bored and / or pissed off spirits you summoned.

Also regarding demon sex: These guys are a few of the (72) Goetic spirits from the Ars Goetia. Not too many titties as far as I can see.

If you really wanna go for supernatural sex, send a text to Babalon, the Red Goddess, (who basically is the Babylonian Goddess Ishtar+X) who introduced herself to John Dee, the astrologer of Queen Elizabeth I (who tried to summon Angels and got to the wrong adress) as:

"I am the daughter of Fortitude, and ravished every hour from my youth. For behold I am Understanding and science dwelleth in me; and the heavens oppress me. They cover and desire me with infinite appetite; for none that are earthly have embraced me, for I am shadowed with the Circle of the Stars and covered with the morning clouds. My feet are swifter than the winds, and my hands are sweeter than the morning dew. My garments are from the beginning, and my dwelling place is in myself. The Lion knoweth not where I walk, neither do the beast of the fields understand me. I am deflowered, yet a virgin; I sanctify and am not sanctified. Happy is he that embraceth me: for in the night season I am sweet, and in the day full of pleasure. My company is a harmony of many symbols and my lips sweeter than health itself. I am a harlot for such as ravish me, and a virgin with such as know me not. For lo, I am loved of many, and I am a lover to many; and as many as come unto me as they should do, have entertainment.

Purge your streets, O ye sons of men, and wash your houses clean; make yourselves holy, and put on righteousness. Cast out your old strumpets, and burn their clothes; abstain from the company of other women that are defiled, that are sluttish, and not so handsome and beautiful as I, and then will I come and dwell amongst you: and behold, I will bring forth children unto you, and they shall be the Sons of Comfort. I will open my garments, and stand naked before you, that your love may be more enflamed toward me.

* * *

The dichotic nature of the message may have disturbed Kelley to such an extent that he eventually gave up practising magick, and deserted John Dee, taking with him both the doctor's meagre finances, and his wife. These events were to have a remarkable echo centuries later in the life of Jack Parsons, who, following his encounters with Babalon, was deserted by his mistress, who absconded with his magickal partner, L. Ron Hubbard."

You better bring your A-Game to Babalon, occult goon, she won't tolerate your tiny mortal dick going flacid after 30 secs.

SavageGentleman fucked around with this message at 22:33 on Mar 18, 2018

# ? Mar 18, 2018 22:04

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

SavageGentleman posted:

Occult goon: Do more meditation, your video-game addled brain is not yet able to sense the horde of bored and / or pissed off spirits you summoned.

Also regarding demon sex: These guys are a few of the (72) Goetic spirits from the Ars Goetia. Not too many titties as far as I can see.

If you really wanna go for supernatural sex, send a text to Babalon, the Red Godess, (who basically is the Babylonian Godess Ishtar+X) who introduced herself to John Dee, the astrologer of Queen Elizabeth I (who tried to summon Angels and got to the wrong adress) as:

"I am the daughter of Fortitude, and ravished every hour from my youth. For behold I am Understanding and science dwelleth in me; and the heavens oppress me. They cover and desire me with infinite appetite; for none that are earthly have embraced me, for I am shadowed with the Circle of the Stars and covered with the morning clouds. My feet are swifter than the winds, and my hands are sweeter than the morning dew. My garments are from the beginning, and my dwelling place is in myself. The Lion knoweth not where I walk, neither do the beast of the fields understand me. I am deflowered, yet a virgin; I sanctify and am not sanctified. Happy is he that embraceth me: for in the night season I am sweet, and in the day full of pleasure. My company is a harmony of many symbols and my lips sweeter than health itself. I am a harlot for such as ravish me, and a virgin with such as know me not. For lo, I am loved of many, and I am a lover to many; and as many as come unto me as they should do, have entertainment.

Purge your streets, O ye sons of men, and wash your houses clean; make yourselves holy, and put on righteousness. Cast out your old strumpets, and burn their clothes; abstain from the company of other women that are defiled, that are sluttish, and not so handsome and beautiful as I, and then will I come and dwell amongst you: and behold, I will bring forth children unto you, and they shall be the Sons of Comfort. I will open my garments, and stand naked before you, that your love may be more enflamed toward me.

* * *

The dichotic nature of the message may have disturbed Kelley to such an extent that he eventually gave up practising magick, and deserted John Dee, taking with him both the doctor's meagre finances, and his wife. These events were to have a remarkable echo centuries later in the life of Jack Parsons, who, following his encounters with Babalon, was deserted by his mistress, who absconded with his magickal partner, L. Ron Hubbard."

You better bring your A-Game to Babalon, occult goon, she won't tolerate your tiny mortal dick going flacid after 30 secs.

I�d totally do Valfor.

# ? Mar 18, 2018 22:22

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

begone thot spirit

# ? Mar 18, 2018 22:33

Bobby Digital: Sep 4, 2009

SavageGentleman posted:

Occult goon: Do more meditation, your video-game addled brain is not yet able to sense the horde of bored and / or pissed off spirits you summoned.

Also regarding demon sex: These guys are a few of the (72) Goetic spirits from the Ars Goetia. Not too many titties as far as I can see.

If you really wanna go for supernatural sex, send a text to Babalon, the Red Goddess, (who basically is the Babylonian Goddess Ishtar+X) who introduced herself to John Dee, the astrologer of Queen Elizabeth I (who tried to summon Angels and got to the wrong adress) as:

"I am the daughter of Fortitude, and ravished every hour from my youth. For behold I am Understanding and science dwelleth in me; and the heavens oppress me. They cover and desire me with infinite appetite; for none that are earthly have embraced me, for I am shadowed with the Circle of the Stars and covered with the morning clouds. My feet are swifter than the winds, and my hands are sweeter than the morning dew. My garments are from the beginning, and my dwelling place is in myself. The Lion knoweth not where I walk, neither do the beast of the fields understand me. I am deflowered, yet a virgin; I sanctify and am not sanctified. Happy is he that embraceth me: for in the night season I am sweet, and in the day full of pleasure. My company is a harmony of many symbols and my lips sweeter than health itself. I am a harlot for such as ravish me, and a virgin with such as know me not. For lo, I am loved of many, and I am a lover to many; and as many as come unto me as they should do, have entertainment.

Purge your streets, O ye sons of men, and wash your houses clean; make yourselves holy, and put on righteousness. Cast out your old strumpets, and burn their clothes; abstain from the company of other women that are defiled, that are sluttish, and not so handsome and beautiful as I, and then will I come and dwell amongst you: and behold, I will bring forth children unto you, and they shall be the Sons of Comfort. I will open my garments, and stand naked before you, that your love may be more enflamed toward me.

* * *

The dichotic nature of the message may have disturbed Kelley to such an extent that he eventually gave up practising magick, and deserted John Dee, taking with him both the doctor's meagre finances, and his wife. These events were to have a remarkable echo centuries later in the life of Jack Parsons, who, following his encounters with Babalon, was deserted by his mistress, who absconded with his magickal partner, L. Ron Hubbard."

You better bring your A-Game to Babalon, occult goon, she won't tolerate your tiny mortal dick going flacid after 30 secs.

Sorry I�m already promised to another red woman

# ? Mar 18, 2018 22:48

uber_stoat: Jan 21, 2001; Pillbug

edit: wroooooooong thread

uber_stoat fucked around with this message at 23:33 on Mar 18, 2018

# ? Mar 18, 2018 23:10

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Barbatos is just some dude. Kinda disappointing demon. Isn't even riding an alligator or anything. Just some garbage Robin Hood crap.

# ? Mar 19, 2018 02:00

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

SavageGentleman posted:

Also regarding demon sex: These guys are a few of the (72) Goetic spirits from the Ars Goetia. Not too many titties as far as I can see.

Lotta fedora guys out there would love an evening with Samigina

# ? Mar 19, 2018 02:02

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Amon looks like he's going 'CHIRP'.

# ? Mar 19, 2018 11:04

Mad Hamish: Jun 15, 2008; WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING IN LIFE.

Wannabe Goetic evocation anon is failing at summoning spirits to visible appearance because he doesn't have the lionskin belt, I'd bet my next paycheque on it. It's a common scrub mistake.

# ? Mar 19, 2018 12:05

text me a vag pic: May 18, 2007

DandyLion posted:

Fat piece of poo poo is another obvious troll fesh (but a pretty good one actually).

Jesus, these things are loving tailor made for our enjoyment but some folks are buying into the whole charade a little too seriously....

close your eyes and enjoy the ride you idiot

# ? Mar 19, 2018 15:37

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

A succubus with a sign above its crotch reading, "ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE"

# ? Mar 19, 2018 15:47

Son of Man: Jan 29, 2003; by Azathoth

I get why people believe in magic but who in the gently caress actually believes in those fake rear end Jewish demons?

no offense loq, great thread btw

# ? Mar 20, 2018 00:58

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Son of Man posted:

I get why people believe in magic but who in the gently caress actually believes in those fake rear end Jewish demons?

Tbf a lot fewer Christians believe in our fake rear end Jewish demons than believe in our fake rear end Jewish angels and our fake rear end Jewish God

# ? Mar 20, 2018 01:40

Caganer: Feb 15, 2018

I believe in your very real bagels with sushi on them (very tasty)

# ? Mar 20, 2018 01:41

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Anyway I've had a busy day but apparently I got a bunch of content while I wasn't looking :eyepop:

quote:

My husband has become obsessed with using a record scratch sound effect. And I hate to be hyperbolic, but it�s ruining our lives and we are headed for divorce.

In the last year my husband has tried to be more social. I love him to death but he doesn�t make friends easy. His best man at our wedding was a guy I had never seen before who I believe was just an old coworker. He does okay with my friends but admits that he doesn�t like just hanging out with others.

My work schedule has shifted and he has Saturdays to himself now, so he started trying to meet people and find things to do.

One week he went to a local bar that also has pinball machines and when I got home he was super excited. He kept mentioning how he made friends and wanted to keep visiting there. I was overjoyed and glad he had something fun to do while I was at work.

Unfortunately I never thought much about who would be a regular at a pinball bar. Because my husband quickly became friends with a guy named Thurston who is an MRA. I met Thurston a few weeks into my husbands friendship and Thurston greeted me by saying �Ahhh yes, the female of your union�. Thurston is about 90 lbs, has thinning hair hidden by a toque at all times, and wore a tuxedo t shirt the first time I met him.

Anyway, my husband shortly started acting weird; more aggressive and angry than usual. I thought it was odd and one day found a pile of paper he left on the kitchen table. It was a huge essay titled �Men need to take back the crown� and was exactly what you imagine.

I confronted him about this and that�s when he stated the record scratch. I said my piece and then he pulled out his phone, played the scratch, and then said �woah, hold up one second�.

That was in August. He uses this record scratch in every argument now, of which there are sadly many. I have asked him to stop, asked him to delete that sound, and once forcibly removed the phone from him. He will make the sound with his voice then.

It has started sneaking into happy moments too. We were celebrating a quiet Christmas together. He opened a gift I handmade for him. Then he got his phone out, I thought to take a picture. Instead he played that loving sound and then sAid �yup, that�s me opening a present� and did that whole stupid speech. I let it go, but now realize what he was doing.

In that weird men�s rights manifesto I read a lot about controlling a woman through a set of words. It recommended this bizarre scenario where you make your girlfriend scared of a door so she never wants you to leave. It�s utter bullshit except for one thing - every time I hear a record scratch I want to murder my husband.

The possibly final straw cane on Saturday night. We got home from a fun St Patrick�s days. We were both drunk and horny and started fooling around. It was great until he came the first time. He rolled over , grabbed his phone, and did the scratch. He then said �yeah, that�s me, cumming in my wife�. Like it was a funny joke or a reason to stop being intimate.

I told him how much it hurt me that he reduced sex to a gag, and he proceeded to tell me to relax and make him something good for a midnight snack.

His MRA hangups are getting disgusting and I blame myself for trying to force him to be more social. But I can�t handle this, he�s trying to train me like an animal. I have given him ultimatums before on this and they never work, but I stupidly forgive him.

I think writing this down and seeing it has helped me come to terms with the divorce being necessary.

Half of this could be an Elaine B-plot from a Seinfeld episode

To that effect I think you're "burying the lede" w/r/t the sound effect vs the MRA poo poo. :sever:

over that imo

The ending to the Seinfeld would be that you say "I think we should see other people," then take out your phone and play the record scratch, then say "Yeah, that's you, being dumped by your girlfriend," bass sting, roll credits

e: I actually just reread and saw that you're married, but it's ok it works with divorce too, you just have to show up with your lawyer before you play the record scratch

quote:

I really enjoy Escape Rooms. I go to them by myself and get set up in a group of strangers. Sometimes we solve it, sometimes we don�t. If we don�t, I always ask the guide for the solution �since I won�t come back�.

I always then come back with friends. They all think I�m a genius cuz I take the lead and can solve even the most abstract puzzle.

I have set multiple records at my local escape rooms with my friends. I�m careful not to go too fast, and obviously my friends sometimes hold me back. But it�s such a good feeling knowing you�re at least one step ahead of everyone.

I realize somebody at these Escape Rooms will recognize me and blow my cover, but I�m riding the high until then. I don�t have much else going on.

I mean, I use GameFAQ walkthroughs a lot, but my goal in doing so isn't to look smart in front of my friends

loquacius fucked around with this message at 01:57 on Mar 20, 2018

# ? Mar 20, 2018 01:50

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

loquacius posted:

I mean, I use GameFAQ walkthroughs a lot, but my goal in doing so isn't to look smart in front of my friends

Then you're not using the right GameFAQs friend. Open your eyes and behold:

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/redemption/918379-skee-ball/faqs/29010

# ? Mar 20, 2018 02:06

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# ? May 11, 2024 13:32

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

lmao @ �the female of your union�

# ? Mar 20, 2018 08:58

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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