Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Theophany posted:

You're right, but I'd argue that this screams "twenty-something who has not spoken to an adult woman in so long that my tween brother's girlfriend is looking pretty good to me."

If you'd jumped forward in time just a little bit more, your advice would've been spot on!

Some people who play MMOs absolutely do need to stop playing them

quote:

FYI this is a stupid fesh, but that's because it's real, and reality is boring and stupid most of the time.
My mother was babysitting for some family friends at their house that had just had a baby, and since I was in the neighborhood I decided to drop by for a visit. My mother and I were talking about things and then we got into why she liked houseplants better than pets. "Because pets move around and you trip over them, but plants don't move" she said.
So I asked, "What does that make babies? They don't move so according to your system they are vegetables." And then I made fun of the baby she was holding, calling it a vegetable.
My mother said, with a straight face, "Babies are human beings and deserve to be respected." Then we started laughing, and the baby was laughing as well because that's what people around it were doing and it had no clue.
The problem was, the neighbors had an audio-activated baby monitor recorder that they listened to the next day, and then they got really angry at us for making fun of their baby.

Man before my first kid learns to talk I'm gonna be talking poo poo about it with a smile on my face basically 24/7 (since I won't be sleeping)

quote:

I get random erections throughout the day, a side effect of a medication I'm on. Normally it happens just in the early hours of the day (3-7am) and it'll go away.

But sometimes it's at work. And i got kind of a downward curve going, so there is no tucking it up available. The issue is I'm above average, nothing huge... like 8" ish. So obvious through khakis. If I'm sitting when it happens I can kind of tuck it behind my balls and squeeze and it'll go down.

It's not fully turgid. Like half-mast. But this chick at work wears tight clothes, and she does a lot of squats. Part of me wants to just walk around with an obvious bulge, but I realize that isn't super professional.

I've had to walk around the building before with it being kind of obvious, but I didn't really know how to hide it without being obvious.

I'm 35 and this is my shame.

Start wearing a long zip-up hoodie over your work clothes maybe

Comedy option: jerk off in the bathroom

# ? Mar 15, 2018 18:53

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# ? May 25, 2024 02:19

T Bowl: Feb 6, 2006; Shut up DUMMY

First dude: gently caress 'em.

Second dude: Get some compression shorts that are tight and they can secure it better to a position where it isn't protruding.

# ? Mar 15, 2018 19:15

soy: Jul 7, 2003; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Hey if Obama can parade around his airplane with a massive boner, we can too. They should add the right to bear boners to the constitution.

# ? Mar 15, 2018 19:30

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

......behind the balls?

# ? Mar 15, 2018 19:45

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

Solice Kirsk posted:

......behind the balls?

Yeah, what the gently caress??

# ? Mar 15, 2018 19:52

Bobby Digital: Sep 4, 2009

Oh, my dick? Nothing special, just 8 inches.

# ? Mar 15, 2018 19:53

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

Bobby Digital posted:

Oh, my dick? Nothing special, just 8 inches.

I know right, I would feel jealous but that's like 3 times the national average right?

# ? Mar 15, 2018 19:54

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

DandyLion posted:

I know right, I would feel jealous but that's like 3 times the national average right?

Poor feller.

# ? Mar 15, 2018 19:55

T Bowl: Feb 6, 2006; Shut up DUMMY

the average is like 5.5"

# ? Mar 15, 2018 19:57

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

T Bowl posted:

the average is like 5.5"

This is very disturbing

# ? Mar 15, 2018 19:59

T Bowl: Feb 6, 2006; Shut up DUMMY

DandyLion posted:

This is very disturbing

did they use to call you micro dandy?

# ? Mar 15, 2018 20:00

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

My gigantic dick is nothing but trouble and it's becoming a hindrance to me. :mad:

# ? Mar 15, 2018 20:06

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

T Bowl posted:

did they use to call you micro dandy?

I make up for my shortfall's with a luscious mane and dapper attire.

# ? Mar 15, 2018 20:12

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

DandyLion posted:

This is very disturbing

I found it more unsettling.

# ? Mar 15, 2018 20:47

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

Torquemada posted:

I found it more unsettling.

Crap was that the line.

Almost flawless...

# ? Mar 15, 2018 20:59

JfishPirate: Jun 24, 2006; I have been grossly misinformed about witches.

Ugly Man With Huge Penis Unsure How To Get The Word Out

# ? Mar 15, 2018 22:33

HerStuddMuffin: Aug 10, 2014; YOSPOS

Lol at the guy who reached the ripe old age of 35 without realizing that the way to hide an erection is to get on all four, meow like a cat, and follow the wall to the nearest exit.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 07:44

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Personally I just securely wrap my penis in like 20 rubber bands every morning before work. Cut off that embarrassing blood supply before it even gets a chance to make a fool out of me. The tip of my penis is now permanently a purplish blue and the veins have started to go varicose. Essentially my junk looks sort of like a blue highlighter exploded onto an albino baby carrot, but at least I don't have awkward erections to deal with.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 13:18

Oyster: Nov 11, 2005; I GOT FLAT FEET JUST LIKE MY HERO MEGAMAN; Total Clam

Solice Kirsk posted:

Personally I just securely wrap my penis in like 20 rubber bands every morning before work. Cut off that embarrassing blood supply before it even gets a chance to make a fool out of me. The tip of my penis is now permanently a purplish blue and the veins have started to go varicose. Essentially my junk looks sort of like a blue highlighter exploded onto an albino baby carrot, but at least I don't have awkward erections to deal with.

I don't remember the last time I cringed as hard as I did reading this.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 14:11

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Solice Kirsk posted:

Personally I just securely wrap my penis in like 20 rubber bands every morning before work. Cut off that embarrassing blood supply before it even gets a chance to make a fool out of me. The tip of my penis is now permanently a purplish blue and the veins have started to go varicose. Essentially my junk looks sort of like a blue highlighter exploded onto an albino baby carrot, but at least I don't have awkward erections to deal with.

Meow.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 15:11

Caganer: Feb 15, 2018

I once had some issues with an allergy medication giving me boners ( :confused:

)

Biting my tounge and flexing my toes at the same time helped

also JO often - single occupancy restrooms are your friend

# ? Mar 16, 2018 15:36

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I ride my motorbike around my town at night and I think about how easy it would be to rob a post office or shop (obviously not a bank, their security is too tight) and disappear.

My town is pretty big so there are plenty of places to choose from and in five minutes I could be in a rural area that police have no chance of finding me.

I imagine I'd spice it up a bit, maybe set fire to a car the other side of town to get the emergency services busy the wrong way while I do the business.

Another idea is to ride my bike up a ramp and into a van, no chance of the feds tracking me down after that, even with their helicopter.

The only thing stopping me is I'm a very attractive girl and if I were caught the male prison guards and female prisoners would eat me alive.

Are you a heist movie script

quote:

On my last visit to the doctor I was told that my health was so poor that I would most likely not survive another 5 years.

I was incredibly fat at the time, around 400 lbs. I ate and drank whatever I wanted, used good in place of entertainment and human interaction, and barely moved. They had to build me a special chair at work.

I was so ashamed and so scared that I vowed to do something different, and I did. For about 5 days. Then I slipped back into my old habits, which takes us to today.

It�s been about 7 years since then, and I�m around 600 lbs now. I found another job that doesn�t force me to leave the house, so I don�t. I get everything delivered to the house, except for rare trips out for family functions I must attend. I don�t like to go in public unless totally necessary, for obvious reasons.

Kids ask if I�m a monster, or sick. One girl asked if I was �going to explode�. That was nice. I use a wheelchair to get around, although I can walk short distances if need be. I can handle 2-3 stairs at a time, too. I�m not a totally immobile freak, but I am close to that point.

Clothes don�t fit. Around the house that�s fine - I just drape myself in blankets and have custom underwear I wear to catch any droppings. Because go figure, when you get as big as I am you lose some control over your bowels.

When I go out in public I have to wear specially made clothes - usually my parents create me a new outfit every few months out of fabric they buy at the craft store. I can�t wear shoes - I just wrap my feet in thick fabric.

I don�t see myself dying anytime soon; if anything I feel better now than I did at 400, 300, 200, or even 150 lbs. I haven�t been hungry in years, I don�t even remember what hunger is. I eat to refuel, simple as that. At my weight you�re constantly burning calories and need to keep fueling.

This forum is one of my only interactions with the outside world. That�s the only part I feel sad about at times. But I watch the news and see how things are outside. Violent, full of PC thugs, controlled by people like Soros, and full of horrible division. It�s not the world I grew up in the 90s, and it scares me to see things like Muslim extremism, radical feminism, and left wing radicals become normalized by the mainstream media.

Sorry I�m ranting, but I don�t get to speak to people often. And maybe that fear is part of why I�m not worried about living my own kind of life and ignoring the crumbling �real� world.

So that�s my fesh, I guess. I�m fat and proud. I know that�s not a popular stand to have in the world today, unless you�re a black woman of course, but it�s my belief. And maybe if a few more people like me are willing to be proud of themselves we could fix this stinking world and make it a better place for everyone, not just the liberal elite and minorities who run things.

I gotta say most of these "fat and proud" people tend toward the opposite end of the political spectrum, nice to see a 600-pound invalid Nazi for a change

# ? Mar 16, 2018 15:40

Tinestram: Jan 13, 2006; Excalibur? More like "Needle"; Grimey Drawer

loquacius posted:

I gotta say most of these "fat and proud" people tend toward the opposite end of the political spectrum, nice to see a 600-pound invalid Nazi for a change

I really appreciate that plot twist!

# ? Mar 16, 2018 15:45

Caganer: Feb 15, 2018

loquacius posted:

Are you a heist movie script

I gotta say most of these "fat and proud" people tend toward the opposite end of the political spectrum, nice to see a 600-pound invalid Nazi for a change

what is this magical wfh job because i would like to do this, but with weed instead of food

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:06

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

Solice Kirsk posted:

Essentially my junk looks sort of like a blue highlighter exploded onto an albino baby carrot, but at least I don't have awkward erections to deal with.

Perhaps just a bit too long for a new thread title

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:13

Fool and the World: Dec 8, 2010

To heist girl: The Place Beyond the Pines was not a how-to for robbing places

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:19

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Fat goon: You should check out the "my 600 pound life" thread. You could totally dominate the poo poo out of them scrawny malnourished bastards over there.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:22

soy: Jul 7, 2003; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

I'm willing to bet that 600lb goon posts in YLLS and gives tons of fitness advice.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:47

Odd: Dec 30, 2006; I think everybody just needs to maybe cool out a little maybe

Solice Kirsk posted:

......behind the balls?

How does one do this? Asking for my biology thesis

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:16

Bobby Digital: Sep 4, 2009

Heinrich Hammler

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:28

Space Camp fuckup: Aug 2, 2003

making GBS threads myself to own the libs

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:33

Incoherence: May 22, 2004; POYO AND TEAR

Owning the libs by not being able to move around my own house

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:38

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Heist girl: Banks are pretty easy to rob as long as you're not trying to get into the vault. Tellers will just hand you the money to get you out. Word of advice, ask for a specific amount because they will give it to you (I wouldn't ask for much more than 20k if you're robbing a teller). Hardly any banks use dye packs anymore (and especially not on the teller line).

Good luck!

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:49

kzin602: May 14, 2007; Grimey Drawer

Solice Kirsk posted:

Heist girl: Banks are pretty easy to rob as long as you're not trying to get into the vault. Tellers will just hand you the money to get you out. Word of advice, ask for a specific amount because they will give it to you (I wouldn't ask for much more than 20k if you're robbing a teller). Hardly any banks use dye packs anymore (and especially not on the teller line).

Good luck!

Robbing a bank has much steeper penalties than robbing a store. If you rob a bank, the feds will be looking for you and actually put an effort into tracking you down. The security on site is told not to shoot or detain you unless you are making an obvious threat to bystanders, but all it takes is one wannabe badass bystander that watched too many NRA videos to gently caress it all up.

Most small business are making a night drop at 6PM-ish and at closing time; so there won't be very much in the register; just what they need to make change. If it's a really small business, the cash will be in a safe that's going to be a huge hassle to remove and is not going to carry much anyways. If you were to rob an independent business you have a chance of the owner/manager shooting you, if you rob a chain the employees are told to just go along with your demands but they will have a timer on the safe that will prevent you from getting out with more than a handful of cash. On the upside if you rob a store it's just the local police looking and unless there's an injury involved or an obvious clue, they are not going to look very hard.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:08

bob dobbs is dead: Oct 8, 2017; I love peeps; Nap Ghost

what the gently caress did this thread turn into

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:15

Audax: Dec 1, 2005; "LOL U GOT OWNED"

bob dobbs is dead posted:

what the gently caress did this thread turn into

A soyboy convention. You won't see my 600lb fat rear end eat that poo poo

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:17

text me a vag pic: May 18, 2007

loquacius posted:

I gotta say most of these "fat and proud" people tend toward the opposite end of the political spectrum, nice to see a 600-pound invalid Nazi for a change

Fat piece of poo poo is a fat piece of poo poo, no kidding

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:18

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

text me a vag pic posted:

Fat piece of poo poo is a fat piece of poo poo, no kidding

Fat piece of poo poo is another obvious troll fesh (but a pretty good one actually).

Jesus, these things are loving tailor made for our enjoyment but some folks are buying into the whole charade a little too seriously....

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:31