Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Kosmo Gallion: Sep 13, 2013

What's everybody's favourite confession? Mine was that guy who was involved in the Alien vs Predator kids TV series that was cancelled, that sounded awesome.

Also does anybody remember the confession about the guy who lived on the moon and was trying to use his psycho powers to battle an evil enemy. The evil enemy posted a follow up confession and I remember both had me laughing a lot.

# ? Mar 29, 2018 14:19

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# ? May 10, 2024 14:59

metachronos: Sep 11, 2001; When I roll, baby I roll DEEP

Breitbart Is Rightbart posted:

What's everybody's favourite confession? Mine was that guy who was involved in the Alien vs Predator kids TV series that was cancelled, that sounded awesome.

Also does anybody remember the confession about the guy who lived on the moon and was trying to use his psycho powers to battle an evil enemy. The evil enemy posted a follow up confession and I remember both had me laughing a lot.

My favorite is this one:

quote:

My uncle convinced elementary school me that the movie "Phantasm" was real and that all that stuff happened but they just dramatized it for a movie. I was also way too young to watch that movie but Uncle Jim would watch it if I ever stayed the night.

For almost 2 years I was terrified of funeral parlors and convinced that the Tall Man was going to come for me at night with his army of dwarf corpses and flying spheres. I started doing bad in school because I literally was sleeping 3-4 hours a night and waking up sweating or screaming.

Then my uncle passed away when I was 12 from kidney failure. We were at his funeral and of course I was really on-edge and uncomfortable. Then some giant tall guy walks up to me while I'm at my uncle's casket and says "When you die, you don't go to heaven. You come to me" and walks off. I poo poo my pants for real and had to be carried out of the funeral home screaming and freaking out. The guy apologized to my mom and said that Uncle Jim had asked him to do this because "the kid loves Phantasm".

gently caress you Uncle Jim, I never said it out loud but I hope you're burning in Hell right now.

I reread it every so often and have a good laugh every time.

# ? Mar 29, 2018 15:23

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

The only ones I remember are the gimmicky ones like therapy goon (which I found pretty boring and skimmed through his walls of fake text) and the super try-hard edgelords that are like "i'm a nazi/i'm going to kill some people/etc".

For me a good fesh should just be believable, not an obvious exercise in trolling or creative writing. I can't think of any because they hardly ever happen.

e: or at least be funny

# ? Mar 29, 2018 15:29

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Breitbart Is Rightbart posted:

Also does anybody remember the confession about the guy who lived on the moon and was trying to use his psycho powers to battle an evil enemy. The evil enemy posted a follow up confession and I remember both had me laughing a lot.

The person who wrote the second part of this actually re-sent it so I could repost it, and y'know what I will

quote:

PART ONE
I have always had the gift for divination and psychic power since I was a kid. Being able to predict things, reading minds, all the cliche stuff. I excelled in sports because I knew what was going to happen before it happened - I was an all-star quarterback in high school and went to college on a full-ride scholarship. I got injured early in the season and my football career got put on the backburner. Which was fine because I knew it wasn't what I really wanted to do.

I got a degree in marketing and I'm doing really well for myself now, mostly thanks to my gifts. But I have a deeper purpose, and one nobody believes.

I am in a constant psychic mind battle with an alien entity that wishes to control the world. I honestly believe I am the only thing standing between this alien and the complete destruction of the world as we know it. Every day I devote a portion of my thoughts towards combating this alien. He constantly assaults me with violent imagery and hatred, trying to get me to let down my guard. I see images of what he wants to do to Earth - to see every human enslaved or turned into ground meat. To see armies of slaves forced to hunt down the remaining humans. To see all of our great works destroyed and turned into monuments to this alien.

He taunts me personally, too. Because our minds are linked, we know each other as intimately as 2 lovers. I know he's an outcast from his own planet due to his powers, seeking some kind of purpose in the stars. He's living on the moon now, that's as close as I'll let him come. He survives on the food he brought from his home world, enough to last 10 more years. He knows all about me too. He tells me I'll die alone - I say that's the price I pay for stopping him.

When I get home from work I meditate and further increase my power. Even at night, my dreams are projected towards the alien to keep it at bay. He hates dreams, his mind doesn't work that way, abstract thought is alien and terrifying to him.

Neither of us budges, neither backs down. I believe this battle will go on until one of us dies, and I really hope he dies first. Because I'm scared what might happen if he gets to unleash his mind powers on the world.

...

PART TWO
Let's get this upfront: I am a psychic alien. I'm not from space, I just traveled through a lot of it to come help you dumb fucks. When I was growing up I started developing psychic powers which is usual for my people except that I had exceptional talent at it and quickly solved all societal problems on my homeworld which has no spelling in your pathetically simple human language. So I left and headed to the next inhabited world which is the one you call Earth.

Unfortunately this is where my plans went wrong. There is among you humans one who has vast psychic powers almost equal to my own, and completely opposed to my own purpose which is helping your stupid species fix your drat problems. He is in fact a psychopath who wishes to either rule Earth or, barring that, burn it to a cinder. I fight him mentally every night from my moon base which due to his incredible level of mental disturbance he interprets as me wanting to destroy Earth. (He has a huge ego and imagines himself = Earth.) If I cannot defeat him before my food supply runs out he will rapidly gain power and become a thousand times worse than the one you call Hitler.

I urge you to identify this human among you and defeat him physically so that I may bring enlightenment to your planet. This is why I have hacked into your wireless networks using alien technology and am revealing myself to you on this forum which is obviously where the elite intelligences of your race congregate for discourse. All I know of him is that he is wealthy, engaged in the movement of capitalist commerce, was an excellent 'foot ball' player in his youth (this is confusing to me as my species does not have 'feet' yet your sport doesn't require them?) and that although he identifies as male his reproductive appendage is five standard deviations smaller than the mean size for your species.

Please defeat him quickly as I suspect he is learning to interface psychically with the antimatter reactor controls of my base and if he is able to bypass the safety interlocks the resulting destruction would be most

Here's some OC as well since I have some

quote:

This is how the first time my girlfriend and I had sex and how it basically became a terrorist incident, way back in 2004 or so.

My first time. Her first time. Basically we talked for a few minutes about our expectations, what was off limits and what we were willing to try, and started making out and got naked and turned on. We were moderately familiar with the others' gender anatomy and asked questions about what felt good and how to touch it.

Then we were ready to have sex, and had sex, and it felt pretty fun for the both of us, and no one got hurt or pregnant or felt taken advantage of.

This is because we both grew up in social systems that didn't demonize or repress sex, had access to good sex education and health resources, and apparently to regressive theocratic conservatives this is a danger equivalent to terrorism.

The subject line of this was "First time sex causes terrorist incident". Where's the payoff??? You have to tell me how her fundie dad found out about it and tried to have her exorcised or something. C'MON man.

# ? Mar 29, 2018 15:35

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

"I had sex" is not something worthy of an anonymous confession. You could have just posted that but were just scared of being fun of as you rightfully deserve.

# ? Mar 29, 2018 15:45

420 SWAGLORD: Apr 20, 2014; saban bajramovic

That's less a fesh and more a really long, unfunny, political dad joke with a really forced punchline

# ? Mar 29, 2018 19:18

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Hey baby, can I slide my boeing 767 between your twin towers?

# ? Mar 29, 2018 19:25

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

God drat the Psychic Warrior and Alien one are pure gold. Really shows how downhill these fake feshes have gotten recently.

# ? Mar 29, 2018 19:26

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

What ever happened to the goon that started dating the boss he got fired. Last I remember she had an anime room and then basically never heard anything from him again.

# ? Mar 29, 2018 19:41

Nissin Cup Nudist: Sep 3, 2011; Sleep with one eye open

We're off to Gritty Gritty land

Solice Kirsk posted:

What ever happened to the goon that started dating the boss he got fired. Last I remember she had an anime room and then basically never heard anything from him again.

A) Prob dead

B) Found true love and doesnt need us anynore

I think A

# ? Mar 29, 2018 21:51

Kosmo Gallion: Sep 13, 2013

Thank you for digging them out Loq.

Also whatever happened to the torture monkey goon?

# ? Mar 29, 2018 21:53

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

Nissin Cup Nudist posted:

A) Prob dead

B) Found true love and doesnt need us anynore

I think A

i for one am hoping for a "escape from weeaboo island" follow up.

# ? Mar 29, 2018 21:58

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Oh! The guy who wrote the really long love letter to his roommate's girlfriend! I remember that part, and I know the roommate punched him but I forget the rest.

# ? Mar 29, 2018 23:10

Son of Man: Jan 29, 2003; by Azathoth

I liked the one where the confessor found a canister of pink goop in his dad's basement that had a demon trapped inside

# ? Mar 30, 2018 02:05

DivineCoffeeBinge: Mar 3, 2011; Spider-Man's Amazing Construction Company

I miss the guy claiming to be WWE Superstar Kane.

# ? Mar 30, 2018 02:14

Saint Jerome: Sep 14, 2004; I will unite the Jews!

Solice Kirsk posted:

Then they're really just half-assing the fetish. He should be getting a catheter bag to really dive into this head first.

Good luck forgetting you have a dick when a catheter is inserted.

# ? Mar 30, 2018 04:29

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Short but sweet

quote:

I'm not cool. At all. So in my every day life, I try as hard as I can to be like David Lee Roth, the coolest guy I know of. I do jump splits when given the opportunity, and say "WOO!" all the time. I am 36 years old, and I'm still a virgin. Am I doing something wrong?

Nope, checks out, dunno why your luck is so bad

stay the course buddy

quote:

I am an online addict and spend nearly all my free time online. That�s not super uncommon I guess, but I believe I�m starting to develop multiple personalities because of this.

I�ve posted here for like 6 years. At one point I created a 2nd account for shitposting, since I didn�t want to lose my first one, since I think it�s a clever name, and I have some friends here. Over time I�ve created 6 different accounts I use for different things. Lowtax - you�re welcome lol.

I find that my personality changes a lot depending on my name. This extends to stuff like my 2 YouTube accounts, my 2 twitter accounts, and my 4 Facebook names. Basically I use one page on each for porn and stuff, one that my friends and family can find me in. Facebook I also like to message girls I went to high school with and see if they�re down to meet up. I keep that separate so my long distance girlfriend doesn�t see.

Anyway it�s getting easier to slip from account to account. I�ve read a lot on MPD and why people create alternate personalities.

I found myself arguing with myself in the forums the other day. Seriously making myself angry, like angrier than I�ve ever been. I couldn�t take the logical step of �this is me, who cares�, I kept thinking someone else posted under my name.

Oathbringer was good

# ? Mar 30, 2018 15:40

SavageGentleman: Feb 28, 2010; When she finds love may it always stay true.
This I beg for the second wish I made too.; Fallen Rib

online addict goon, it's only a question of time until you mispost your fetish porn link on the wrong facebook account and hell breaks loose, ease off the multilives.

# ? Mar 31, 2018 21:43

Modus Pwnens: Dec 29, 2004

When you start reporting your own posts, you'll know you've gone too far.

# ? Mar 31, 2018 21:53

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I�m having an affair right now and feel awful, but am terrified to end it.

I have been dating a girl for nearly 2 years and got engaged at the beginning of this month. I love her and see myself having a long and great life with her. But she refuses to have sex until marriage, so I sought it elsewhere. I considered just using hookers, but instead hooked up with a girl I knew in college. It was no strings attached and went perfect for about a year.

As I began thinking about proposing to my girlfriend, my FWB got jealous. She threatened to expose our relationship (what little there is) unless I kept paying her hush money. So I did. I�m pretty well off, and aonis my family, so floating her about 2000 a month wasn�t hard.

I proposed and my girlfriend said yes and of course, it was all over Facebook and stuff. My FWB began posting snide comments like �hope it lasts!� And �he�s a great guy, don�t take him for granted�. It�s made my fianc� suspicious, especially as I�ve admitted I still hang out with her.

I attempted to end things, but my FWB refused and is blackmailing me. Threatening to tell my fianc� everything, with text messages, bank transactions, and even a few photos to prove it.

I know I can�t continue seeing this girl and getting married, especially because marriage will fix the one issue with my fianc� - lack of sex. Aka the whole reason I strayed in the first place.

For the first time in my life, I don�t know what to do and I�m scared.

Blow it up anon

Get the gently caress out and stop paying this other girl two thousand loving dollars a month. End things with your fiancee before your side-piece has a chance to do it. Don't give her the satisfaction. Bite the bullet, take the ring back, and get the gently caress out. Move on to someone more open-minded who also won't blackmail you.

I know you're "happy" and "in love" etc etc etc but let's be honest, you're not happy or you never would have considered hiring a hooker. It's not worth all this bullshit. Get out and move on.

quote:

I posted a while back about being molested by my uncle. I wasn't happy with myself, having just finished business school and not finding full-time work. I really appreciate the positive comments y'all left on my 'fesh and started working on some new goals. For some good news: I was accepted to a Master's program in therapy. So, I hope to be able to help people with tough situations on this new path. Confessing to the goons helped motivate me to move forward.

Glad to see another thread success story

# ? Apr 1, 2018 15:46

HerStuddMuffin: Aug 10, 2014; YOSPOS

I second blowing it wide open, cheater goon. Come clean, lose your fianc�e, probably let her have the ring, and stop feeding the blackmailer. Preferably do it right before a payment is due, or even as long after the due date as you think you can make your side piece wait. That way you get to leave her low on resources for the second phase.

Press charges. Blackmail is a crime. I suggest seeing a lawyer before you act so you get the best advice you can about how to proceed. Basically once you accept that your incoming marriage is dead, you�re invulnerable. Turn the tables and make her pay. Whatever you do, don�t get married. If your fianc�e is dumb enough to want you back after it�s all over and the dust has settled, it�s up to you if you want to spend the rest of your life with her, but I�d say she�s too dumb to marry, and chances are you�ll get another year+ waiting period on the sex and we all know how well you handle that.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 18:39

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

If you want your relationship to survive, you just need to make this girl disappear. Don't let her ever be found though because you'll be the easiest slam dunk suspect in history especially if these threats were made via text/email.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 19:42

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

if you cut off your dick a: your fianc�e won�t want to marry you anymore (intimidated) and b: the side chick will no longer be interested (intimidated) so it solves all your problems

# ? Apr 1, 2018 20:09

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Lol don�t marry that girl if you think your sex life is gonna improve after you get married.
I made that assumption. I didn�t prioritize sex over a good honest person. So now I have a great partner in almost everything in life and a strong right hand.

You hosed poo poo royally with your fianc�.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 20:40

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Tell your fiancee everything and if it's too much to salvage get your ring back and start picking up the pieces.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 22:42

Audax: Dec 1, 2005; "LOL U GOT OWNED"

Hint: it's too much

# ? Apr 1, 2018 23:15

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Maybe she's one of those "forgiveness" religious people.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 00:32

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Counterpoint: hook your FWBlackmail up with one of your other friends.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 00:34

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Solice Kirsk posted:

Maybe she's one of those "forgiveness" religious people.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Counterpoint: hook your FWBlackmail up with one of your other friends.

This is real life, not an episode of Seinfeld

# ? Apr 2, 2018 04:41

420 SWAGLORD: Apr 20, 2014; saban bajramovic

SciFiDownBeat posted:

This is real life, not an episode of Seinfeld

This is a comedy forum?

# ? Apr 2, 2018 05:52

PostNouveau: Sep 3, 2011; VY till I die; Grimey Drawer

Hey buddy, I know this girl I think you'd really get along with. She's blackmailing me for $24,000 a year.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 06:09

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

I don't get why you'd cheat on a religious sexweird. I mean, they're upfront and honest and say they don't wanna have sex before marriage, but if that drives you to cheat then it's obviously a dealbreaker for you.

I lasted a year with a religious woman who waited. Then I couldn't take it any more and had to end it. I think she ended up married to the next guy she met, like 8 months later at the ripe old age of 20.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 09:19

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Religious restrictions on sex are specifically designed to enforce unhealthy and dependent relationship dynamics.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 09:21

A Strange Aeon: Mar 26, 2010; You are now a slimy little toad; The Great Twist

Inescapable Duck posted:

Religious restrictions on sex are specifically designed to enforce unhealthy and dependent relationship dynamics.

Can you elaborate on this?

# ? Apr 2, 2018 13:10

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I think he means "religion is bad."

# ? Apr 2, 2018 13:12

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

420 SWAGLORD posted:

This is a comedy forum?

I, too, was making a joke, remarking on how the given responses were seinfeldian in nature

# ? Apr 2, 2018 14:05

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Let's just agree to tag all our jokes with [joke][/joke] so we can avoid these little snafus.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 14:07

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

I mean that too, but the whole no sex before marriage and creepy focus on purity basically entire for women is to ensure women only get any sexual experience with their husband, and divorce traditionally being forbidden means you're stuck with whatever poo poo he wants to do to you for the rest of your life

And the moratoriums on contraception and masturbation are basically 'you should be pumping out babies at every possible juncture', that's like the core of the whole catholic thing

# ? Apr 2, 2018 14:09

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Yeah but 2nd hand cooter/sausage is gross.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 14:16

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# ? May 10, 2024 14:59

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Dear goons who have either Stupid Newbie avatars or Blank spaces with no text:

Stop going into Lurking mode whenever I buy you a new avatar during a GBS Avatar Buying thread you fuckers.

Signed
LOWTAXES REMOVED SPINE PIECES ESQ
FOUNDER OF SAVE LOWTAXS SPINE THROUGH BUYING AVATARS FOUNDATION

How many avatars does it take to save a spine

quote:

In 2012 I was extremely hard up for money as a starving art school student. I was on Craigslist looking for medical trials to sign up for when I saw MTV was casting a reality show.

I signed an NDA after the show failed to get picked up, but the NDA expired in 2017 so here goes.

The show was called �OMG I Love A Nerd� - catchy title I know. It was basically True Life: I�m hot and dating a nerd.

On top of the regular couples they followed, who I think were real couples, they needed a few singles who were open to dating nerds or dating really hot people. I�m using their terms here, obviously I don�t agree completely.

I was cast as a nerd - an art school girl with shabby clothes, glasses, and I don�t wear much makeup. I was offered 1100 dollars for that first episode so I agreed. They cast me on a date with some �hot guy�; dinner, drinks, and swimming. Yeah, I guess it was just to get some beefcake on that show. We had no chemistry at all. At one point he told me that his favorite artist was �Andy Warsaw�. At the end the MTV producers pushed us to make out, but I told them no and the guy at this point was starting to fall asleep anyway.

None of this is super interesting, but there was one other person on that show who�s since becaome �famous�: Baked Alaska. Yeah, that lovely alt-right goober. He was another nerd on a date and apparently they cut his segment out completely because they barely got any usable footage. He was way too weird for the girl and the producers had to have him keep repeating himself cause he mumbled so much.

I feel like both of these results are exactly what I'd expect from a show with this premise

# ? Apr 2, 2018 16:54

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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