Reddit posted:

A few years ago, I was a sweet summer child freshly out of college with zero idea what I wanted to do with my life, I was a homeowner after maternal unit moved overseas and gave the house to me, and I decided to work for a house painting company for one summer while I got my metaphorical ducks in a row.

The next summer, I was out of the painting business and working as an EMT, which meant sometimes I would have a full day or two off (24 on/48 off). I noticed my house was in some need of paint touch ups, so I decided to do them myself. I had brushes, paint, nothing to do, and some beer, so I went at it one Tuesday afternoon.

So I’m working on the frame of the front door, dressed in old painter whites and a T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, and I sit down to let the primer dry and have a beer. I’m happily perched on the front step when I notice a can-I-speak-to-your-manager haircut with a face that looks like she just ate 12 lemons staring at me from the sidewalk. My front lawn is decently long and slopes down a hill, but I could see an artery pulsing in her neck from my spot.

She had a dog next to her, so I just wave and say “cute dog!” I guess my words broke the floodgates, and she unleashed upon me a verbal assault of which I understood about 30%.

The gist: “HOW DARE YOU DRINK ON THE JOB ON THIS NICE PROPERTY. YOU DON’T DESERVE TO SIT THERE AND WASTE THE HARD EARNED MONEY OF THE WELL EDUCATED PERSON THAT OWNS THIS PLACE”

While I’m pondering this, she’s still spewing frothing condescension at me, which culminated in “UNEDUCATED, LAZY, MENIAL, FREELOADING, IMMIGRANT DRUNKS LIKE YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY”

Well, I’m white. Like, really white. Blond hair, green eyes. Born and raised in the good old US of A. Specifically, in this house. Perhaps I look like some sort of insidious immigrant from far away, so I stand up and make my way down to her, but not before cracking open another beer.

She’s positively quivering with anger and indignation, her dog is pulling at the leash to say hi to me, and so I bend down to say hello back, when she says “WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?”

I raise myself to my full 6’2” height, which towers over her little 5’ nothing self. She doesn’t back down, and the following conversation ensues.

Me: “Hello ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

Her: scoffs “YOU. Sitting there wasting the homeowner’s money so you can get paid to be a lazy drunk.”

Me: “Oh, I’m being paid? Seems odd, I didn’t feel the need to pay myself for this, but I suppose that could be fun to try.”

Her, gears turning: “Pay yourself? Don’t make me laugh, some deadbeat like you couldn’t afford this house. You need an education for a real job.”

I’m wondering what her education fixation is all about, but not caring all that much, I just want to entertain her conversation enough to really get her mad. Maybe her head will explode.

Me: “Well, I didn’t buy this house, my mother did, but she left it to me when she moved overseas after I graduated from college.”

Her, smirking: “Oh, did you go to local community college, known for not being that great? Only someone working as a painter would go there.”

Me: “Actually, if you look at my shirt, you’ll see it says ‘Ivy League School Athletics’, which is where I attended school and played a sport. I am in good shape because of that, so I figured I would keep that up by working on improving my own home while having a few beers to cool off in this heat. Did you attend community college? Because if so, I can see how you might not be able to understand that.”

Disclaimer: nothing wrong with that CC, it’s where I got my EMT license. Just wanted to watch her boil, and oh boy did she.

Her eyes widen bigger than I thought possible, and her mouth starts working like elderly folks‘s do when they’ve lost a lot of teeth, lots of lip twisting. This culminates in her reading her ugly head back, and spitting on the front of my shirt. “You probably stole that from someone, you ungrateful piece of poo poo.”

Okay, wow, not sure what I’m ungrateful for, and ew germs, so I tell her that’s it’s been fun but I’m going to continue working and turn to walk back up the lawn. She grabs the back of my shirt and attempts to pull me backwards, doesn’t work, so I spin around and smack her hand off me.

She flops like a premier league soccer player, flinging herself all over my lawn, howling like she’s been shot. She’s let go of the dog’s leash, so he comes over to me for pets, happy as a clam.

Her yodeling has brought some neighbors out of their homes, including my cool next door ones. They come over and I give them the story, and ask for their phone to call the cops (mine was inside charging), they laugh and hand it over. I let the cops know that some cootcanoe is gyrating loudly on my lawn, could they please come remove her.

I return to my work, my cool neighbors probably have started making popcorn. A little while later, I hear the cops arrive, Crazy is still singing her hosed up opera, and starts screaming at the cops a story of a belligerently drunk squatter (who’s painting said site of squatting??) who chased her with a baseball bat and broke her arm in multiple places. Her talons point to me, so I come down and tell the cops the whole story.

They crack up, apparently they know the nutcase by name, and so they tell her to call her husband to get the dog “again”, and cuff her for trespassing and disorderly conduct. Dog hung out with me until the husband, apologizing profusely, came and got him. He also informed me that they are in divorce proceedings, so that may have made her “crazier than usual”.

Never saw the lady again, thank god, but have developed a neighborly friendship with her ex and the pup. Alls well that ends well.

quote:

A few years ago, I was a sweet summer child freshly out of college

Former DILF posted:

thats as far as i got you win

AlbieQuirky posted:

Passing busybody: "Hey, you shouldn't be drinking on the job!"

Dude: "gently caress off, this is my house."

And, scene.

chitoryu12 posted:

I ran into the best reveal in STDH on Tumblr.

Someone posted about how they once attended a Midsummer Night’s Dream performance that was framed as a fever dream from eating a Chipotle burrito and had a bunch of surreal imagery. Of course everyone said it was obviously fake and dumb.

Then someone went “No, this was my play” and posted photos and a video of the entire production and it really loving happened.

http://vampireapologist.tumblr.com/post/170844619288/cyanideending-cyanideending

Furia posted:

Hamlet but with a really short protagonist

I’ll call it Manlet

Splicer posted:

Shakespeare but every time they say a word Shakespeare coined it gets 5% faster.

Tunicate posted:

the bar is so loving low for gimmicky shakespeare plays that you'd be hard pressed to find one that hasn't been done professionally

shakespeare in the park, shakespeare in the nude, shakespeare but everyone is black except patrick stewart, shakespeare but with dogs, shakespeare but it's set in the present, shakespeare, but it's in the future, shakespeare in the past, but in the wrong place...

Nuclear War posted:

Why does everyone have green eyes. Ive never met anyone with them

Nuclear War posted:

Why does everyone have green eyes. Ive never met anyone with them

Comptroll The Forums posted:

My favorite STDH is people who insist that their eyes change colors depending on their mood. For instance, right now I'm shitposting so they're brown.

Eye color might darken a little from when you're a baby, but it is otherwise completely static.

Tunicate posted:

the bar is so loving low for gimmicky shakespeare plays that you'd be hard pressed to find one that hasn't been done professionally

shakespeare in the park, shakespeare in the nude, shakespeare but everyone is black except patrick stewart, shakespeare but with dogs, shakespeare but it's set in the present, shakespeare, but it's in the future, shakespeare in the past, but in the wrong place...

Comptroll The Forums posted:

My favorite STDH is people who insist that their eyes change colors depending on their mood. For instance, right now I'm shitposting so they're brown.

Eye color might darken a little from when you're a baby, but it is otherwise completely static.

Comptroll The Forums posted:

My favorite STDH is people who insist that their eyes change colors depending on their mood. For instance, right now I'm shitposting so they're brown.

Eye color might darken a little from when you're a baby, but it is otherwise completely static.

quote:

No Salvation For Them
BAD BEHAVIOR, GROCERY STORE, USA, WISCONSIN | RIGHT | APRIL 20, 2018
(I usually work as a cashier, but sometimes when it’s slow they send me out to get carts. Today is the first day we have the Salvation Army bell ringing out in front. I’m just working on carts, and this customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Somebody should go choke that kid ringing the bell. We don’t need to hear that s*** every time we come to the g**d*** grocery store!”

Me: “Sir, this is the first day we have had the bell out.”

Customer: *speechless*

Jay Rust posted:

Comptroll The Forums posted:

Eye color might darken a little from when you're a baby, but it is otherwise completely static.

Ein cooler Typ posted:

I'm looking for a Chinese girl with green eyes.

AlbieQuirky posted:

I have green eyes.