|
Colonel Cancer posted:There is nothing chaotic about Evil Wizardry. You must follow The Laws. Oh great, the Moloch worshippers are back to threadshit  I eat crossaligned unicorns for breakfast and I feel only 5000 years old. ferroque fucked around with this message at 18:43 on Apr 30, 2018 |
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 18:40
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 5, 2024 00:44 |
|
|
Speaking of unicorns, has anyone ever heard of a rare two-horned forest unicorn? I assume it's something a bored wizard made up, just like an owlbear or something. I found the blasted beast in my personal garden, just gnawing on rare herbs, the filthy animal.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 18:47
|
|
|
ferroque posted:Only if you slay a coaligned unicorn, which is rare, as us Evil Wizards are undoubtedly chaotic. Most unicorns you find will be lawful or neutral and you can slay them without fear of angering Anhur. Here's the thing about unicorns. It's not so much as that they are "good" but "virginal," which is why you need a virgin to handle them, as they are incredibly allergic to kundalini energy. Their blood actually has a bad reaction to it, which is why you will have a cursed half-life if you drink it. It drains your kundalini energy, too, and you won't ever be able to get more than a half-chub, even if your wand is made of bone. I'd just stay away from unicorn blood, it's a gateway blood. Colonel Cancer posted:There is nothing chaotic about Evil Wizardry. You must follow The Laws. Sorcery, though, is quite chaotic, and if applied properly, can shape The Laws (Keep Them!) to your liking. Colonel Cancer posted:Speaking of unicorns, has anyone ever heard of a rare two-horned forest unicorn? I assume it's something a bored wizard made up, just like an owlbear or something. I found the blasted beast in my personal garden, just gnawing on rare herbs, the filthy animal. That's a bicorn. Them's good eats, and none of that cursed half-life kundalini stuff you get with unicorns.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 19:38
|
|
|
Halser posted:might be old fashioned but having a codeword that collapses your tower/castle/keep into a ball of ash is still a good idea for situations like these I couldn't stand the idea of destroying my commemoratives like that... I know that once wizards become, well, wizened, they lose attachment to material things but against my better judgement I still have some baubles and gewgaws that are fun to paw when I'm plotting this thing or that. Jon Joe posted:Sounds like poor planning on your part. Are you sure being an evil wizard is the right path for you? You might do better as an evil cult leader; even if you plan poorly, generally speaking you can still summon unspeakable evils. Granted you might die in the process, or have your soul ripped asunder by Those Soulless Things, but hey, that's what you get for having a low intelligence score. I read as many grimoires as I can! Those things aren't cheap and older wizards have a lot more money than me. Thought at first it was a networking issue. Joined a bunch of fool mortal secret societies to try and smooth the way toward that sweet esoterica. BAD MOVE. All they do is binge drink and complain about their wives, when I brought up an issue I've been having with Thracian bird talismans they all looked at me funny and started laughing into their sleeves so I turned a bunch of them in to ectoplasm and I can't ever be an Elk or go back to certain parts of the region again. In deference, I am starting to think a cult would be nice but those guys are mostly frauds. I want to be the real deal! Colonel Cancer posted:Have you considered mustering together a group of foolhardy adventurers to slay the evil wizard in the crumbling castle? I mean you need someone to "disable" the traps at the very least. See, I'm having some bad luck there, maybe? Every group I try to talk to seems real engaged cause I'm a big hulking barbarian but maybe something gives me away because by the end of the meet/greet they get kinda skittish and go "Oh, you have to meet so-and-so, they're a cleric of Anu" and it's obvious they're just going to have someone come and use Detect Evil on me so I grunt and go "yes, of course. that would please me soul most glad, arg. excuse. I must go to the toilet and throw down mighty with the facilities. I had three lambs for lunch." It sucks, all the paranoia. This must be what a date rapist feels like. CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:You know if you drink unicorn blood you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips because you have slain something pure and defenceless to save yourself, right? Are you sure? I read a bunch of books on this and that doesn't seem right. What about the other guys in the thread who say it's kosher? Kosher or whatever our equivalent is? I hear unicorn meat tastes good, especially veal. CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:He probably calls it a "horcrux" because he's like, only 90 and still using Babby's First Grimoire. It's "leviOHsa," not "levioSA," by the way. 1. That Harry Pothead poo poo for babies. 2. RN my favorite spell is "conceal evil" which I picked up last week from a travelling Romani. I have tested it on a few dogs and it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe he knew I had used my second-favorite spell "disappearing money".
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 20:27
|
|
|
Btw anybody excited for Walpurgisnacht? I'm def gonna coven-crash disguised as a goat.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 20:43
|
|
|
Just get a scrying orb, my wiz.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 20:47
|
|
|
I'm a tactile person.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 20:50
|
|
|
phasmid posted:Are you sure? I read a bunch of books on this and that doesn't seem right. What about the other guys in the thread who say it's kosher? Kosher or whatever our equivalent is? I hear unicorn meat tastes good, especially veal. It's very much Kosher, but instead of a Rabbi you need a virgin (Rabbis must be married so they're right out) to butcher and dress the neat, what with the kundalini-draining blood. There are other... animals one can drink the blood from that are... most efficacious. phasmid posted:1. That Harry Pothead poo poo for babies. 1. Then why are you doing Harry Potter poo poo like drinking unicorn blood, which bestows a cursed half-life, etc? Why be a Voldemort when you can be a kickin' rad lich instead? 2. That's a solid spell. Good choice. phasmid posted:Btw anybody excited for Walpurgisnacht? I'm def gonna coven-crash disguised as a goat. I don't think they have this on my world, at least, not by that name. Care to explain more?
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 22:06
|
|
|
If you're going through all the trouble, why not just bleed the virgin and take a bath? While it will not bestow immortality, most virgins' blood has high fat content and will have a great moisturizing effect upon your parchment-like wrinkled wizard skin. Watch those years drop off with this one simple trick!phasmid posted:Are you sure? I read a bunch of books on this and that doesn't seem right. What about the other guys in the thread who say it's kosher? Kosher or whatever our equivalent is? I hear unicorn meat tastes good, especially veal.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 22:14
|
|
|
Colonel Cancer posted:If you're going through all the trouble, why not just bleed the virgin and take a bath? While it will not bestow immortality, most virgins' blood has high fat content and will have a great moisturizing effect upon your parchment-like wrinkled wizard skin. Watch those years drop off with this one simple trick! Ooh, that's a good point! (Unless you've made a gently caress Golem and are using it to prepare food, obviously.) There are many (non-sex, but also sex) uses for virgins and bicorns! Not so much for unicorns, though.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 22:34
|
|
|
CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Ooh, that's a good point! (Unless you've made a gently caress Golem and are using it to prepare food, obviously.) We don't speak of gently caress Golems around these parts  Especially not in the context of food preparation.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 22:36
|
|
|
CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:It's very much Kosher, but instead of a Rabbi you need a virgin (Rabbis must be married so they're right out) to butcher and dress the neat, what with the kundalini-draining blood. There are other... animals one can drink the blood from that are... most efficacious. I'll admit to being a novice but claiming that you got into wizardry because of JK Rowling is like saying you didn't know sex could be kinky til you read 50 shades. I'm new but I'm not a total waste (hopefully). Walpurga was this heretic who moonlighted as a nun and now we honor her by congregating on hills and whatnot to have orgies. Lots of intradisciplinary quibbles here, witches who only do "white magic" (lol sure) and a panoply of fringe practitioners. If you've got witchcraft/devilry on your world you probably have some analogue. Just think sacrilege and cocktails with a tasteful amount of bestiality. Our Bacchanalia is similar, but of a different tradition I think? Colonel Cancer posted:If you're going through all the trouble, why not just bleed the virgin and take a bath? While it will not bestow immortality, most virgins' blood has high fat content and will have a great moisturizing effect upon your parchment-like wrinkled wizard skin. Watch those years drop off with this one simple trick! Holy poo poo. What have I been doing? Taking your advice, ty in advance.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 23:04
|
|
|
Been working on using my evil wizardry to partake in the evils of capitalism, skeleton workforces are far more efficient than fleshy human workers, this in turn prevents them from finding gainful employment and I can harvest their suffering and eventual casualties to replenish lost skeletons. Also all the extra currency allows me to make a really deep pit of loot which distracts adventurers from my real lair.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 23:44
|
|
|
I just ordered some human skin off Alibaba. I really doubt it is real poo poo, but it was so cheap I figured it wouldn't hurt to try.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 23:54
|
|
|
phasmid posted:I'll admit to being a novice but claiming that you got into wizardry because of JK Rowling is like saying you didn't know sex could be kinky til you read 50 shades. I'm new but I'm not a total waste (hopefully). I will allow you copies of three books from my library. Choose wisely. phasmid posted:Walpurga was this heretic who moonlighted as a nun and now we honor her by congregating on hills and whatnot to have orgies. Lots of intradisciplinary quibbles here, witches who only do "white magic" (lol sure) and a panoply of fringe practitioners. If you've got witchcraft/devilry on your world you probably have some analogue. Just think sacrilege and cocktails with a tasteful amount of bestiality. Our Bacchanalia is similar, but of a different tradition I think? On my world, we killed the gods and the environment long ago leaving only a semi-barren wasteland with seas of silt. Waaaay different traditions over here... but it's good to know if I ever go on vaycay.
|
|
#
?
Apr 30, 2018 23:55
|
|
|
I manipulated the mythical stories of the plane I'm on for infiite artifacts and started to make my own machine god but now everyone is getting on my rear end gently caress. Turns out swapping two seemingly related godesses causes mass famine among many other experiments.
|
|
#
?
May 1, 2018 00:07
|
|
|
If you’re looking to become an immortal just do what I did and open several portals onto several other portals so that they overlap on an infinite plane, merge with countless versions of yourself across the time-space continuum and vomit our a dark ichor that you later understand to be your mortality given form. There is a slight side-effect in that you become a temporal abomination that the very forces of reality itself try to hunt down and also erectile dysfunction but that’s actually only because you’re still half-assing it. Then you just have to back to the moment of your birth and strangle the infant version of yourself as he draws his first breath. Then you will become an effect without cause and free from the shackles of nature. Tragically the penis remains vestigial.
|
|
#
?
May 1, 2018 02:36
|
|
|
Just cast Polymorph Wang or Power Word: Boner to fix that pesky problem for a couple hours. Should be enough time unless you were into the tantric stuff.
|
|
#
?
May 1, 2018 05:36
|
|
|
Wait, there are other kinds?
|
|
#
?
May 1, 2018 05:42
|
|
|
I've got a bunch of vengeful souls haunting my lair (don't we all). They usually aren't a nuisance. But a few days ago I noticed while binge watching Breaking Bad again that they were manifesting in the video as low moans and the occasional ghostly face in the image. It was pretty amusing, really. The problem is that the manifestations actually modified the video files on the computer - This is super annoying because qBittorrent doesn't recognize their checksum anymore, because the vengeful souls have modified them. So every time I open the qBittorrent, it can't find the files with the correct checksums, and tries to redownload them. And since the souls immediately haunt the new files as they are downloaded, qBittorrent keeps downloading new copies of Breaking Bad every time I turn my computer on. My hard drive is filling up with haunted copies of Breaking Bad. Ugh, I really can't be hosed with performing a local exorcism because of some loving torrents.
|
|
#
?
May 1, 2018 12:26
|
|
|
CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Just cast Polymorph Wang or Power Word: Boner to fix that pesky problem for a couple hours. Should be enough time unless you were into the tantric stuff. Just cast "flesh to BONE" haha No don't do this it's very painful
|
|
#
?
May 1, 2018 14:22
|
|
|
Lol, owned by spirits. That's a good prank, I need to write it down
|
|
#
?
May 1, 2018 14:56
|
|
|
For the past several decades - if not centuries! - I've been finding that the usual wizardry just doesn't do it for me anymore. Cackling at foolish heroes, summoning their doom, binding demons just feels like something I have to do instead of something I want to do, you know? I think I'm having a meatlife crisis. I've been trying to reimagine myself, become a cool new ghost on the block if you know what I mean, but none of my dark tomes of rituals hold an answer. Is swooping through ruins at night, jangling chains all there is to being a ghost? How does one preserve their sanity and considerable spellcasting prowess while shedding their mortal flesh? I've seen and bound a few ghosts in my day, and all of them were two bit idiots who just couldn't get over being killed or something. Heck most of them couldn't even leave their house! Is there a better way to achieve ectoplasmic fitness without becoming a mopey flying bedsheet?
|
|
#
?
May 1, 2018 20:44
|
|
|
Enchant the bedsheet, be a blinged out bedsheets ghost, embroidered with threads woven from pure souls and encrusted with magicals gems. Maybe that will help contain your essence better
|
|
#
?
May 1, 2018 21:17
|
|
|
You really want something to anchor you to the physical world. Your own rotting carcass, a magic ring, and so on. Naturally occurring ghosts have their unfinished business, but that's very basic stuff. With proper planning and foresight, you can do a whole lot better. Don't try going ghost without it. You'll just lose sight of why any of it matters, and wander off from the material world into the nighted corners of the spirit realm, and further still into the decaying dreams of Gods long-dead before the universe began. Nice places to visit, but you wouldn't want to un-live there. It's also very hard for a proper ghost to reinvent itself. Once you're a ghost, you're the ghost of whatever it is you were before. So take a long hard look at your fashion sense, your style of magic, and your ultimate purpose before you go through with it. Think hard about those fedoras, man-buns, trousers, or whatever barbarian fashions you kids are into these days. The Spectral Viscount might do his best to "own" that massive codpiece he wears, but I know for a fact he'd get rid of it if he could.
|
|
#
?
May 2, 2018 01:34
|
|
|
fruit on the bottom posted:If you’re looking to become an immortal just do what I did and open several portals onto several other portals so that they overlap on an infinite plane, merge with countless versions of yourself across the time-space continuum and vomit our a dark ichor that you later understand to be your mortality given form. Seems like a pretty high risk effort to achieve basically the same eternal existence that lichdom can get you. I mean, granted its definitely faster, but it also comes with the risk of unmaking yourself across all realities if you screw up. EDIT: There's a reason we don't convert ourselves into ghosts, much like we don't convert ourselves into mere skeletons. They're near the bottom of the undead hierarchy and most of them are forever stuck in their own little loops, useful only for driving down real estate prices and frightening the peasantry. Vernii fucked around with this message at 06:00 on May 2, 2018 |
|
#
?
May 2, 2018 05:58
|
|
|
CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:
Oh thats an easy one. Trainwiz. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uy3-hN3Bd50
|
|
#
?
May 2, 2018 07:10
|
|
|
*putz love potion in your coke*
|
|
#
?
May 2, 2018 07:48
|
|
|
Bacontotem posted:Oh thats an easy one. Trainwiz. Does the music play out of thin air like that or was that done in post? Light hearted music out of nowhere, mocking the peasants was icing on the cake. Alan Smithee posted:*putz love potion in your coke* Don't do that. They're just going to fall in love with their drug dealer.
|
|
#
?
May 2, 2018 10:53
|
|
|
Vernii posted:Seems like a pretty high risk effort to achieve basically the same eternal existence that lichdom can get you. I mean, granted its definitely faster, but it also comes with the risk of unmaking yourself across all realities if you screw up. It was more of an accident, really. I was helping test a perpetual energy machine as part of a multi-kingdom cooperative venture and things went a bit well, you know how it goes. I was neutral at the time, but murdering your infant self as he stared at you with innocent childlike eyes kind of changes you as a person. For example, I’m no longer afraid of public speaking.
|
|
#
?
May 2, 2018 21:11
|
|
|
Automatic Slim posted:Does the music play out of thin air like that or was that done in post? Light hearted music out of nowhere, mocking the peasants was icing on the cake. Part of the spell. Optional Reagents change the volume and train type.
|
|
#
?
May 2, 2018 21:20
|
|
|
Just read through the whole thread, and I'm loving it. Lots of good advice here guys, kudos. Was hoping someone could help me with a problem I seem to be having ATM? See, last weekend, I went on a bit of a bender, and at some point I may have accidentally signed a contract with an Eldritch deity who may or may not now be entitled to my immortal soul. I brought it up with an old lawyer buddy from college, and as far as he can tell, it's pretty fuckin' airtight. I've got about 6 weeks before the tentacled bastard comes to collect, and I want to know if I'm screwed or not. I know some devils can weasel out of contracts like this over time if their nature changes so much that their True Name changes with it, but I'm not sure how to go about that as it is. Should I abandon my current project of becoming a lich and go for the demonic corruption path to immortality, or is there another way out of this that I'm just not thinking of?
|
|
#
?
May 2, 2018 21:20
|
|
|
Just replace your soul with someone else's
|
|
#
?
May 2, 2018 21:30
|
|
|
ChaseSP posted:Just replace your soul with someone else's be careful, I spent three years as a hamster trying that
|
|
#
?
May 3, 2018 00:35
|
|
|
It's really hard to be an evil hamster by the way
|
|
#
?
May 3, 2018 00:41
|
|
|
Blaziken386 posted:Just read through the whole thread, and I'm loving it. Lots of good advice here guys, kudos. Was hoping someone could help me with a problem I seem to be having ATM? Eldritch...deity? ...contract? Giving a poo poo about your soul except to rip it apart? You aren’t dealing with anything eldritch my friend, sounds instead like Satan hit you with the ol’ pretending to be a false god trick. Just call him out when he comes to collect and he’s obligated to give you the opportunity to gamble to get out the contract. Good luck winning.
|
|
#
?
May 3, 2018 00:44
|
|
|
He almost tricked you into becoming a demon, too! That Satan! What a card.
|
|
#
?
May 3, 2018 00:45
|
|
|
i tested a new low-cost teleportation spell on myself last week (new to this, no thralls, "bootstrapping") and think i hosed something up. my skin is flaking like crazy, can barely stomach food, been barfing up weird goop. couldn't find anything matching on wizmd
|
|
#
?
May 3, 2018 00:57
|
|
|
uh my dick just fell off
|
|
#
?
May 3, 2018 00:58
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 5, 2024 00:44 |
|
|
fbsw posted:i tested a new low-cost teleportation spell on myself last week (new to this, no thralls, "bootstrapping") and think i hosed something up. my skin is flaking like crazy, can barely stomach food, been barfing up weird goop. couldn't find anything matching on wizmd I think you have wizaids. Then again, you have access to creams for the dry skin so you may have conjured up super-model syndrome (not liking foods/throwing up). Photoshop that flaking skin and continue making young girls feel bad about their looks. Now THAT'S evil!
|
|
#
?
May 3, 2018 01:12
|
|
