/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

CheesyDog: Jul 4, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Going to have sex with a much older woman and I�m intimidated need some advice (fixed title) (self.sex)

submitted 8 hours ago by Ive-beenworkinghard

quote:

*sorry for reposting fixed the title

I need advice. I�ve only ever had sex once, I can say it was decent since the other girl was a virgin and I had a hard time getting my penis inside her, I didn�t know how to get the angles right or anything and I only penetrated her for about 2 minutes and I didn�t cum since after we hosed she tried to give me a handjob and it was uncomfortable (I showed her how but she squeezed too hard and went too rough and she was pretty clueless but I don�t blame her we were both inexperienced).

I was 15 at the time and now I�m turning 18. My cousin�s fiancee�s mother said she would have sex with me for my 18th birthday. She�s in her mid 40�s and she looks like she�s 25 since she works out a lot and she is the type of woman who sleeps with everyone, like everybody. I am really really nervous and intimidated by her because she is a lot older and more experienced and I�m nervous that she�ll be disgusted because I�m uncircumcised since I hear a lot of women hate uncut penises. Any advice for me?

# ? May 4, 2018 13:51

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# ? Jun 12, 2024 08:30

Stevie Lee: Oct 8, 2007

# ? May 4, 2018 13:52

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; Can't post for 5 hours!

Call the police

# ? May 4, 2018 13:55

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

CheesyDog posted:

Going to have sex with a much older woman and I�m intimidated need some advice (fixed title) (self.sex)

submitted 8 hours ago by Ive-beenworkinghard

So which of the deep south states is this happening in?

Also, what is wrong with people that feel the compulsion to stay with disloyal partners at such a stupidly young age?

A little over a year since he [M24] cheated, I [24F] still lose sleep over it. What did you do to heal?

quote:

We've been together for a little over 3 years and we were in an LDR for a year when he cheated in March 2017. It was a very rough patch for us and he found comfort in her, hid it, and I found out in September 2017 when he came back and I went through his chat history. Since then, we've been trying our best to work it out.

I've been cheated on in a past relationship, which was also an abusive one, and I've struggled with self-love and made a rule I would never stand for it again, but here I am. I was only able to leave him when I cut off all communication and left the country. This has contributed in making me feel extreme self-loathing.

For those who have been cheated on and are still with their SO, I want to know how you healed. I've done all I could think of: got back into dance and started pole dancing to reclaim my body, worked my way towards a new job (which I got, and am completely in love with), spent time on skin care, got a haircut, talked to friends and family about my feelings (as much as I could without being an emotional wreck) and I've talked to him about it all very openly as well. He's been so good to me. He promised he'd do anything to make it better, and he understands he can't take back what he did but he has gone above and beyond to make me happy. But when I am alone and I get in my head, I can't help but feel resentment and rage and anger and hatred - towards him and myself. This has lead me to feel suicidal because the mental, emotional and physical pain builds up. I have never been suicidal, but some nights I can't sleep and I lay there wishing I could close my eyes and never wake up again.

What more can I do to forgive him? How do I forgive myself? How do I get out of my head? How much longer do I have to fight it? How do I forget? I know there is no timeline for these things, but should I still have these feelings? Am I not coping well? Am I asking too much of myself?

Thanks in advance, guys.

TL;DR: Got cheated on, still really freakin' mad at him and myself. It's driving me to mental anguish, but I might just be doing it to myself. What did you do to find peace of mind after being cheated on aside from the usual "take charge of your life and love yourself" moves?

# ? May 4, 2018 14:06

Hellblazer187: Oct 12, 2003

tactlessbastard posted:

One of my favorite stories on here was the girl who started talking up open relationships and her boyfriend just flat dumped her for it and she was just baffled.

That sounds fantastic. If anyone can find it I'd love to see it.

# ? May 4, 2018 14:15

But Rocks Hurt Head: Jun 30, 2003; by Hand Knit; Pillbug

quote:

She’s in her mid 40’s and she looks like she’s 25 since she works out a lot and she is the type of woman who sleeps with everyone, like everybody.

Hahahahahaha he's fuuuuucked

# ? May 4, 2018 14:16

La Brea Carpet: Nov 22, 2007; I have no mouth and I must post

But Rocks Hurt Head posted:

Hahahahahaha he's fuuuuucked

Not until he's 18. Read the post.

# ? May 4, 2018 14:19

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

CheesyDog posted:

Going to have sex with a much older woman and I’m intimidated need some advice (fixed title) (self.sex)

submitted 8 hours ago by Ive-beenworkinghard

Wear clean underwear.

Edit: and a condom

tactlessbastard fucked around with this message at 14:36 on May 4, 2018

# ? May 4, 2018 14:34

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

Wear a bubble boy suit, a condom is nowhere near enough

# ? May 4, 2018 14:37

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Hattie Masters posted:

Is this that same guy who posted wondering if he'd have been legally right to shoot a horse at a renaissance fair?

All of these dudes are, fundamentally, the same guy

# ? May 4, 2018 14:44

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

dudeness posted:

Me [25 F] with my husband [28 M] of one year, but have been together four years, are divorcing and I don't know how to help him cope.

She had an earlier post about the sexual incompatibility:

Me 24/F] with my husband [28/M] of less than one year has a fetish that's impossible to recreate in real life, and I'm concerned that we will never be able to have a normal sex life.

Hahaha. Wow. Why did she marry him after they were together for 3 whole years??? Did she think a magical marriage switch was going to be flipped and morph him into someone with normal sexual interests? :roflolmao:

Palpek posted:

My [24F] husband [32M] says he will leave me unless I send our son [8M] to school

Why did she name her son Kaylee????? I feel really bad for the kid for a whole host of reasons, but dang, that is one unfortunate name.

# ? May 4, 2018 14:45

andrew smash: Jun 26, 2006; smooth soul

Hahahaha

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/05/easier-with-three-work-life-and-polyamory.html

Woof

# ? May 4, 2018 14:49

Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

Cough Drop The Beat posted:

Why did she name her son Kaylee????? I feel really bad for the kid for a whole host of reasons, but dang, that is one unfortunate name.

It is literally worse than a boy named Sue.

# ? May 4, 2018 14:49

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; Can't post for 5 hours!

On the age difference in the Kaylee story, maybe the dad isn't the biological father

# ? May 4, 2018 14:50

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

All of these dudes are, fundamentally, the same guy

Hypothetically, under what circumstances would it be legal for me to beat a man to death while he begs for mercy

This is hypothetical of course, all very legal and good

# ? May 4, 2018 14:50

Barudak: May 7, 2007

andrew smash posted:

Hahahaha

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/05/easier-with-three-work-life-and-polyamory.html

Woof

The picture at the top was enough.

# ? May 4, 2018 14:51

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

andrew smash posted:

Hahahaha

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/05/easier-with-three-work-life-and-polyamory.html

Woof

The man trying and failing to grow a hipster beard is going out with a Langolier and a marshmallow in a wig

Inspiring

# ? May 4, 2018 14:55

Hellblazer187: Oct 12, 2003

Yes having a roomate can make things easier financially. You don't have to share your wife sexually to get that benefit, though.

# ? May 4, 2018 15:01

SpazmasterX: Jul 13, 2006; Wrong about everything XIV related
~fartz~

andrew smash posted:

Hahahaha

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/05/easier-with-three-work-life-and-polyamory.html

Woof

Jeeeesus that is a rough looking woman. How do two people go for that? And how do you agree that it's okay for your wife to have a girlfriend if you can't smash too?

# ? May 4, 2018 15:01

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

Lest I sound like a leech, I�ll add that having one of the three of us working from home has benefits for Mandy and Cassie as well. When we inevitably forget which day is trash day, I�m there to do a last-minute dash for the curb. I�m around to let a worker in to do repairs or receive a package, and often I�ve got extra time in the afternoon to take a dog to the vet or make a trip to the store.

They're working this poor man to death!

# ? May 4, 2018 15:04

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

SpazmasterX posted:

Jeeeesus that is a rough looking woman. How do two people go for that? And how do you agree that it's okay for your wife to have a girlfriend if you can't smash too?

There is a disturbing amount of leeway that comes into the minds of some people where they, for some reason, don't think that a woman having sex with another woman 'counts' unless they're a hardcore lesbian who has never shown any interest in a man, so it's a tossup between him not caring because of that or, judging by that picture, him being the ugliest doormat

# ? May 4, 2018 15:06

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Also you gotta wonder how broke brained Mandy must be that she couldn't do any better than that

# ? May 4, 2018 15:07

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

tactlessbastard posted:

Also you gotta wonder how broke brained Mandy must be that she couldn't do any better than that

my dude did you see her loving teeth

# ? May 4, 2018 15:07

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Blade Runner posted:

my dude did you see her loving teeth

I'm talking about the girlfriend

# ? May 4, 2018 15:08

Such Fun: May 6, 2013

Transmogrifier posted:

Here's a rehost of the crazy diary fella: http://cheezburger.com/5520901/panicked-woman-finds-insane-coworkers-chilling-stalker-diary-about-her

I know calling out everything as fake is spoiling the fun, but this one has come up 3 times now.

Those diaries are spotless and brand new. If there actually had been entries over a longer period of time they would have seen a lot more wear and tear. Also, if you start a diary, you don't write 'Vol 1 of _' of the first one. That's something you'd do if you're writing a project (of a twitter rant) that you know the ending of but not yet the lenght.

The descriptions of the woman's appearance are also not at all convincing as having been written my a man. "A little too much mascara", I'm not buying it..

Such Fun fucked around with this message at 15:17 on May 4, 2018

# ? May 4, 2018 15:14

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

man "I can tell by the pixels guys" just keep getting dumber, huh

# ? May 4, 2018 15:29

Meme Emulator: Oct 4, 2000

Ok Pnurtis is definately a word thats going to be playing on repeat in my mind for the next 3 months, thanks assholes

# ? May 4, 2018 15:41

andrew smash: Jun 26, 2006; smooth soul

Blade Runner posted:

There is a disturbing amount of leeway that comes into the minds of some people where they, for some reason, don't think that a woman having sex with another woman 'counts' unless they're a hardcore lesbian who has never shown any interest in a man, so it's a tossup between him not caring because of that or, judging by that picture, him being the ugliest doormat

These people are certainly the type to tell anyone who holds still about OUR POLY RELATIONSHIP but part of me hopes the neighbors are like �it�s really sweet of these ugly lesbians to let their disabled brother live with them�

# ? May 4, 2018 15:42

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

I've heard the parodic idea that a family unit could be more efficient with additional partners, particularly to share the workload when raising children. Though I'm not sure if a polyamorous set of eight gay dads Bojack Horseman style would work out as well in real life, communal child-rearing is something that needs to be looked at more. (if only because kids need a safety net from at least one parent turning out to be this thread material)

Also, jeez, yeah they're not all stereotypically pretty but most people aren't, getting a bit mean in here even for goons.

# ? May 4, 2018 15:45

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Lesbian friend (27F) sexually harrased my girlfriend (24F) and girfriend blames me (28M) for it

quote:

Firstly sorry for my utterly terrible English. it's not my native.

I've been friend with this lesbian girl for more than 7 years and I've been together with my SO for 2 years. I love my SO and I also really like my friend as well. Last month we went to a pub while we were at bar my brother called me and said he had an car accident, said he was ok but need a ride and help with the paperwork. We weren't even started to drinking so I left them there and said ' I will be back in like 2 hours, my so wanted to come with me but I insist she stays because she only had 1 night off. Anyways after like 3 hours I returned to pub with my brother but nobody was there. I went home and found my so really pissed. I asked what happened and she said 'your bestie groped me and tried to kiss me. I declined and said that I'm straight and also gf of your close friend. But she said it's ok to try it for once that I would like it. she also said your bf will be fine with it'. I was really suprised. I called my friend instantly and explain what happened and why did she do it? She said she was half drunk, she made a big mistake and tried to apologize from my gf. I thought it was sincere so I said 'it's okay but don't do that anymore'. I explained the conversation between my friend to my SO and she got even more angry. She said 'what would happen if one of your guy friends did this?' and I said 'I would beat the poo poo out of him and will never talk him again' and she said why this situation is different than that and I said ' I didn't see her threatining as men'. She exploded when I said it. She said it's because people like me, Lesbians hitting and harrassing straight women even tho they know they are straight. She said they do this because they know nothing will happen to them. I mean I didn't know that's even a thing! How I am the reason that lesbians hit on straight girls? I only have 1 lesbian friend how should I know? Anyways then she said 'stop seeing her or else'. after that both my friend and me try to convince her but she doesn't change her mind. My friend even went to her work to apoligize but she didn't even met her. Now she think I'm the one who tell her to hit on her so I get a threesome or watch her sex with my friend. It's untrue and she knows it. She just don't really want me to see her anymore. I really like my friend. She made a mistake but I don't want to abondon her for one mistake. But I also love my SO and understand her on some level. So what should I do? Help me please

tl;dr : My lesbian friend groped my gf when drunk. She apologized for it and I accepted. gf got mad. She claimed that I wanted a threesome so I told my friend to hit on her and she wants me to cut ties with her

# ? May 4, 2018 15:47

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Meme Emulator posted:

Ok Pnurtis is definately a word thats going to be playing on repeat in my mind for the next 3 months, thanks assholes

Ok this has been bugging me since it first came up in the thread. Is the �P� silent?

# ? May 4, 2018 15:48

Barudak: May 7, 2007

fruit on the bottom posted:

Lesbian friend (27F) sexually harrased my girlfriend (24F) and girfriend blames me (28M) for it

While your girlfriends reasoning is insane, your friend just tried to bang your girlfriend so maybe you could suss out the right course of action here.

fruit on the bottom posted:

Ok this has been bugging me since it first came up in the thread. Is the “P” silent?

Only if hes in the pool

# ? May 4, 2018 15:49

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Ghost Leviathan posted:

I've heard the parodic idea that a family unit could be more efficient with additional partners, particularly to share the workload when raising children. Though I'm not sure if a polyamorous set of eight gay dads Bojack Horseman style would work out as well in real life, communal child-rearing is something that needs to be looked at more. (if only because kids need a safety net from at least one parent turning out to be this thread material)

Also, jeez, yeah they're not all stereotypically pretty but most people aren't, getting a bit mean in here even for goons.

Pfft, if you're going to air your wierd sex poo poo out on the internet and hold it up as some kind of ideal you should probably go with a better picture. Like maybe one of a nice potted plant or end table.

# ? May 4, 2018 15:56

Buzkashi: Feb 4, 2003; College Slice

fruit on the bottom posted:

Ok this has been bugging me since it first came up in the thread. Is the �P� silent?

I always say it in my head with the vaguest suggestion of a P

# ? May 4, 2018 15:59

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

My [26 F] bf [36 M] from Egypt is making a marriage proposal to me and asking me to be his second wife. Should I agree?

quote:

I am 26, a transwoman post-op for nearly 2 years. My bf is 36, an Egyptian. He is here for a one-year visiting program.

We met about one year ago in a birthday party of my friend, who is a colleague of my bf. We talked a lot and had good feelings to each other. He was cute and charming. He took my number and I did feel he was interested in me. About a week later he called me and asked me to guide him around. We hanged out a few times and we talked a lot on many things, including his family in Egypt. One night after having some beer and wine, he attempted to kiss me when walking me home. Before we went further I told him my history. He said that my friend had already hinted to him and he was fine with that. That night we ended up having crazy sex in my home.

Since then we kept on dating. He was intelligent and charming and we talked about many things. I don�t know whether he was treating me as just a FWB or a lover but I didn�t mind at all. I understood he enjoyed having sex with me a lot and a lot, and so did I. He said I was pretty and elegant and intelligent. He said he loved me a lot, which I didn�t know whether it was truth or not.

Time going fast and nearly a year has passed. He will go back to Egypt by the end of May. To my surprise, he asked for my hand last week. I agreed immediately without any thinking. Now I begin to feel hesitation.

There are a number of issues before me which lead to my hesitation :-

1. He will not divorce his wife and I will be his second wife.

2. He requests me to convert to Muslim.

3. We shall marry in Egypt and though I do not need to disclose to anyone I am not genetically a woman I don�t know whether there will be any problem.

4. I have to move with him to Egypt after marriage and leaving everything here.

5. What about his wife and children and his parents, who I never meet and know?

I do love my bf and he also loves me. Any advice?

TLDR : My bf is from Egypt. Though he has a wife and children in Egypt we fall in love. His visiting program in the States is going to end and he is going back to Egypt. He asks for my hand. Should I agree?

What could go wrong?

# ? May 4, 2018 16:00

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

fruit on the bottom posted:

My [26 F] bf [36 M] from Egypt is making a marriage proposal to me and asking me to be his second wife. Should I agree?

What could go wrong?

Hmm, shall i do something that will make my life objectively worse (and probably shorter) in every single way? I mean, the sex is pretty good...

# ? May 4, 2018 16:03

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Does Egypt even allow polygamy? (hell, does anywhere besides maybe ISIS?)

# ? May 4, 2018 16:03

TheKennedys: Sep 23, 2006; By my hand, I will take you from this godforsaken internet

the healthcare stories thread made a ton of recurring Pnurtis jokes too, I think that story got cross-posted when poster Miranda was pregnant and since the thread is mostly nurses it stuck

# ? May 4, 2018 16:04

Jeza: Feb 13, 2011; The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Does Egypt even allow polygamy? (hell, does anywhere besides maybe ISIS?)

It's legal in lots of Islamic countries, for men.

# ? May 4, 2018 16:05

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# ? Jun 12, 2024 08:30

Ouhei: Oct 23, 2008; Cat Army

Smirking_Serpent posted:

My[30m] wife[33f] has been really disrespectful ever since we have opened our marriage.

My wife and I have been married for four years. And we dated for a year before getting married.

I will say this my wife and I have been opposites when it comes to interests and hobbies. She is far more into partying and drinking, while I am far more of an introverted guy. Don't get me wrong we have a supporting and loving relationship but it has been a point of tension. Because often we want to different things.

My wife has pushed a good bit for an open relationship. She told me that an open marriage would allow us to both have the safety and security of having someone that loves each other and being able to see other people. For me I really was against this for once, I worried about my ability to find someone.

I never did too great with women, and I guess for me I work pretty long hours so it is not like I have time to really date either. But my wife really wanted me to at least try it.

We started four months back and it has been rough. My wife was initially sweet to me that I was open to it, but once she started sleeping with other guys she became cold.

She started to become cold. When I would try to make a move ever, she would get annoyed. A lot of times I would come home after work and she will be gone and I have to go to bed alone. And honestly it really rubs me the wrong way. I am the breadwinner by far, and it irks me that while I am working hard to provide us the lifestyle we have she is banging another guy.

I guess for me it hurts more because I haven't had much luck. I consider myself average looking, and when I got on Tinder I would get barely any matches. First I was selective, and didn't have much luck then I tried swiping on everyone, not any luck and then only on unattractive women and still was having no luck.

My wife tells me a lot of my complaints about her behavior is because I am not finding anyone. But she says once I find someone I will feel better. The comment she said that has really hosed with me the most is when she turned me down for sex, and she said the reason was because she was too sore down there. It really puts a bad image in my head, and it hurts even more because that was never a problem in our sex life.

I feel like my wife treats me like a stranger. When we are watching TV together, she will giggle when she receives texts and when I look to see what it is she hides it from me. We only have sex once a week and I think she only does that to keep me happy. She has laughed on the phone to her sister that I haven't been able to find a woman. I don't know what to do it seems like even if we close the marriage, my wife will have lost respect for me because I wasn't able to find anyone. And I feel like if I close it too I will feel like the relationship is unbalanced because she slept with three other men and I haven't.

I am in a tough situation please help me out. I am really starting to feel down by all of this. I feel like our marriage has been changed forever. What do I do?

tl;dr- My wife has been really disrespectful towards me after we opened up our marriage. I don't know what to do please help me out.

This dude isn't in an open relationship, he's just getting openly cheated on.

# ? May 4, 2018 16:16

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