STAR TREK: Picard's Assimilated Balls

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > STAR TREK: Picard's Assimilated Balls

Kitchner: Nov 9, 2012; IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER; Clapping Larry

McGiggins posted:

I'm only at the point where the fighty clones have just been introduced.

And lol at odos family being evil, looks like everyone's racist "cant trust a shapeshifter" speil was grounded in some biotruths after all.

Then please forget all spoilers about self replicating minefields. What a ridiculous suggestion. I mean if such a thing existed, why did it take hundreds of years after replication technology to invent them?

# ? May 26, 2018 12:28

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# ? May 16, 2024 22:46

McGiggins: Apr 4, 2014; by R. Guyovich; Lipstick Apathy

Especially in a world of literal matter replicators.

Why dont they just hit space-print and queue up like 50 Defiants?

Or like 300 Galaxy classes?

Or warp missiles! Voyager had a p good episode where they had sentient hyper-nuke warp capable missiles. Like 40 war crimes per missile. Why not build a couple of them, with their own inbuilt phasers to defend themselves, and just infini-print them?

In a world of matter replicators, the evilest, most automation-friendly duder wins.

# ? May 26, 2018 12:47

VictorianQueerLit: Aug 25, 2017

McGiggins posted:

Especially in a world of literal matter replicators.

Why dont they just hit space-print and queue up like 50 Defiants?

Or like 300 Galaxy classes?

Or warp missiles! Voyager had a p good episode where they had sentient hyper-nuke warp capable missiles. Like 40 war crimes per missile. Why not build a couple of them, with their own inbuilt phasers to defend themselves, and just infini-print them?

In a world of matter replicators, the evilest, most automation-friendly duder wins.

The answer is plot.

Like, why did the Bajorans break down into a civil war resulting in a coup over some soil reclamation machines?
Why did Picard only offer some blankets when he visited the horrific Bajoran refugee camps?
Why is there ever a famine on Bajor and why are they unable to provide energy to their population?
Why did the Kazon have a water shortage when they also had a fleet of interstellar space ships?

In a universe with limitless energy and hand weapons that output at megawatts-per-second while even small ships operate in the gigawatt/terawatt range there shouldn't ever be a shortage of anything, including ships.

Here is hoping the inevitable Culture derail is short this time, the last six hundred times were a bit lengthy

# ? May 26, 2018 13:13

McGiggins: Apr 4, 2014; by R. Guyovich; Lipstick Apathy

The derail stops here! Handwavium is the answer.

# ? May 26, 2018 13:19

naem: May 29, 2011

Some kind of, plot device,

# ? May 26, 2018 17:47

Zesty: Jan 17, 2012; The Great Twist

McGiggins posted:

And lol at odos family being evil, looks like everyone's racist "cant trust a shapeshifter" speil was grounded in some biotruths after all.

Nah. More like they were persecuted and mistreated until they rose up and found a way to keep themselves safe. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

# ? May 26, 2018 18:01

VictorianQueerLit: Aug 25, 2017

I guess murdering tens of millions in a galaxy spanning genocide of "lesser lifeforms" can also be seen as "keeping ourselves safe from persecution."

# ? May 26, 2018 18:08

Zesty: Jan 17, 2012; The Great Twist

Yeah, that's literally their backstory.

# ? May 26, 2018 18:10

Baronjutter: Dec 31, 2007; "Tiny Trains"

VictorianQueerLit posted:

I guess murdering tens of millions in a galaxy spanning genocide of "lesser lifeforms" can also be seen as "keeping ourselves safe from persecution."

We were persecuted once and feel unsafe therefor we are allowed unlimited warcrimes to protect our selves as a unique and superior people.
An unprecedented backstory.

# ? May 27, 2018 01:49

McGiggins: Apr 4, 2014; by R. Guyovich; Lipstick Apathy

Garak Is p cool. Hes super obviously a super high ranking spy and everyone just rolls with it for some reason, because hes all on the nose about it.

# ? May 27, 2018 03:32

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

I always saw him more of a spy that got his burn notice and doesn't officially have a job/has very few favors to call in.

# ? May 27, 2018 05:26

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

A.I. Borgland Corp posted:

I always saw him more of a spy that got his burn notice and doesn't officially have a job/has very few favors to call in.

because that's what later episodes revealed him to be. i found garak's earlier appearances much more interesting once i realized he was trying to hook up with bashir.

# ? May 27, 2018 05:30

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

I wanna watch Burn Notice with Bruce Campbell and Garak replacing the guy who is not Bruce Campbell

# ? May 27, 2018 05:32

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

It's strongly implied a Complicated and mostly mysterious situation with Garak, kind of tied into how hosed Cardassia's politics are. He is the protege of their greatest spymaster and all. I get the impression that Cardassia's authorities don't like or trust Garak, but they recognise his loyalty and he's just too useful, so they keep him deliberately at arm's length and in a useful position, and kind of having to play the obvious but not implicit spy given he's the only Cardassian remaining on the station after the retreat. (since he has nowhere else to go and all) It mostly helps that he is quite willing to help the Federation and other people on DS9 when it serves his interests and ultimately maintain stability. (and strongly implied his primary loyalty is to Cardassia itself, which often means going against what Cardassia's leadership at the time wants; the Federation are pretty good neighbours for the most part and all)

# ? May 27, 2018 05:33

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

VictorianQueerLit posted:

*Riker ignores advice of his officers, gets outsmarted by Pakleds, ignores the advice of his officers again, and nearly loses his engineer in a hostage situation*
"Boy that was a day, better promote my ex girlfriend to Commander."

Also I was thinking that anyone that lived on the Enterprise would have PTSD. 90% of the time an episode goes down like this

"Data, Report!"
"The Anomaly is a bunch of bullshit"
"Suggested course of action?"
"........*tilts head* We drive through it at warp speed"
*Picard looks concerned for 2 seconds* "Do it"
*ship is violently rocked back and forth with people flying into walls*

Basically at any time, when you are pooping or sitting down to dinner you might get unexpectedly hosed up. I bet people would be living on planets years later with constant anxiety just waiting for their house to explode. Ensign Jones has been a light sleeper and has to sleep alone since his wife was thrown out of bed and killed when Riker decided to save 3 days by driving over space speedbumps with no warning at warp 9. The nightmares finally stopped though.

One of the most egregious episodes for me with this was "Where Silence Has Lease" (the origin of this clip:)

An evil space face straight up kills this dude in a horrible way, but at the end of the episode Picard is waxing all philosophical about the encounter.
"I guess in the end we both shared something in common: curiosity." *smiles wistfully*

And I'm like "excuse me? A man is dead! You have to write a letter to his family explaining he was killed in the line of duty by an evil face! You have to hold a memorial service! Why the gently caress are you in such a good mood?"

# ? May 27, 2018 05:56

mods changed my name: Oct 30, 2017

Surely someone out there has tallied the reported casualties across each of the various shows.

# ? May 27, 2018 06:02

Powered Descent: Jul 13, 2008; We haven't had that spirit here since 1969.

mods change my name posted:

Surely someone out there has tallied the reported casualties across each of the various shows.

Here it is for TOS at least. (Complete with shirt color.)

http://www.ex-astris-scientia.org/database/redshirt_deaths.htm

e: Grand total of crew members killed under Captain Kirk: 56

# ? May 27, 2018 06:06

Facebook Aunt: Oct 4, 2008; wiggle wiggle

McGiggins posted:

Garak Is p cool. Hes super obviously a super high ranking spy and everyone just rolls with it for some reason, because hes all on the nose about it.

The spy everyone knows about is barely a spy at all. More of a backdoor diplomat, really.

# ? May 27, 2018 06:08

drilldo squirt: Aug 18, 2006; a beautiful, soft meat sack; Clapping Larry

Zesty posted:

Yeah, that's literally their backstory.

The whole changelings are now acting like the people who hurt them is like a huge plot point and star trek is incredibly unsubtle. How do you even miss that?

# ? May 27, 2018 06:09

mods changed my name: Oct 30, 2017

Powered Descent posted:

Here it is for TOS at least. (Complete with shirt color.)

http://www.ex-astris-scientia.org/database/redshirt_deaths.htm

e: Grand total of crew members killed under Captain Kirk: 56

Kirk was at least pretty consistent about not giving a gently caress, to include the death of his son

# ? May 27, 2018 06:10

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

mods change my name posted:

Kirk was at least pretty consistent about not giving a gently caress, to include the death of his son

That's not true, his hatred for Klingons killing his son gets used against him in The Undiscovered Country. Even if it was a sham trial.

# ? May 27, 2018 06:13

mods changed my name: Oct 30, 2017

I'm a terrible trek fan I guess, because I don't think I've ever managed to finish that movie

# ? May 27, 2018 06:15

Zesty: Jan 17, 2012; The Great Twist

drilldo squirt posted:

The whole changelings are now acting like the people who hurt them is like a huge plot point and star trek is incredibly unsubtle. How do you even miss that?

Yep?

# ? May 27, 2018 06:15

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Kind of a running theme in DS9, like during the Dominion occupation where Kira eventually realises that she's gone from freedom fighter to collaborator.

# ? May 27, 2018 06:22

drilldo squirt: Aug 18, 2006; a beautiful, soft meat sack; Clapping Larry

Zesty posted:

Yep?

I'm yelling at the guy you quoted. I'm sorry if I've hurt you.

# ? May 27, 2018 06:25

Zesty: Jan 17, 2012; The Great Twist

It's okay, Friend.

# ? May 27, 2018 06:27

COMRADES: Apr 3, 2017; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Baronjutter posted:

We were persecuted once and feel unsafe therefor we are allowed unlimited warcrimes to protect our selves as a unique and superior people.
An unprecedented backstory.

It's kinda hosed up that they made the Israel-aliens a race of shapeshifters IMO

# ? May 27, 2018 09:12

Riot Bimbo: Dec 28, 2006

COMRADES posted:

It's kinda hosed up that they made the Israel-aliens a race of shapeshifters IMO

uhh israel-planet is obv. bajor

# ? May 27, 2018 09:30

Ghostlight: Sep 25, 2009; maybe for one second you can pause; try to step into another person's perspective, and understand that a watermelon is cursing me

It can't be Palestine because the Cardassians left.

# ? May 27, 2018 10:07

FabioClone: Oct 3, 2004; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

mods change my name posted:

Kirk was at least pretty consistent about not giving a gently caress, to include the death of his son

Kirk gave so little of a gently caress about his brother being murdered by a flying placenta monster that most of you probably forgot that he ever had a brother (and an orphaned nephew). Kirk's making jokes by the end of the episode. ice cold.

# ? May 27, 2018 12:19

Riot Bimbo: Dec 28, 2006

Ghostlight posted:

It can't be Palestine because the Cardassians left.

we want star trek, but we're probably gonna end up being starship troopers if we ever do space stuff in real life

# ? May 27, 2018 12:36

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

basic hitler posted:

we want star trek, but we're probably gonna end up being starship troopers if we ever do space stuff in real life

Not likely. That would require people wanting to know more.

# ? May 27, 2018 13:00

Kitchner: Nov 9, 2012; IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER; Clapping Larry

Neddy Seagoon posted:

Not likely. That would require people wanting to know more.

Lol just lol if you don't think our real dytpoian space future is going to be Wall-E but without the bit where we get saved by a robot.

# ? May 27, 2018 13:34

VictorianQueerLit: Aug 25, 2017

basic hitler posted:

we want star trek, but we're probably gonna end up being starship troopers if we ever do space stuff in real life

We are 100% going to be the Independence Day aliens.

# ? May 27, 2018 14:06

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Bajor is kinda israel but also palestine but also occupied ireland, poland, tibet, etc

# ? May 27, 2018 14:25

VictorianQueerLit: Aug 25, 2017

Ireland is already covered

# ? May 27, 2018 14:34

mods changed my name: Oct 30, 2017

Well that and the Irish planet

# ? May 27, 2018 14:36

Kitchner: Nov 9, 2012; IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER; Clapping Larry

I do like the episode where they are discussing terrorism on the Enterprise and Data points out that it is relatively successful in it's aims, as noted by the Irish reunification in 2024.I used to laugh at it like "heh, dumb writers, we solved it and didn't give in to terrorism".

However, Brexit is sort of threatening to fire the whole conflict up again, so now I'm concerned there's going to be a second round of terrorism which is what Data was referring to and TNG was actually written by someone from the future.

Kitchner fucked around with this message at 16:42 on May 27, 2018

# ? May 27, 2018 16:38