Notable Gaming Experiences: The Gospel According to CobiWann's DM

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hyphz: Aug 5, 2003; Number 1 Nerd Tear Farmer 2022.

Keep it up, champ.

Also you're a skeleton warrior now. Kree.; Unlockable Ben

BadSamaritan posted:

Played an InSpectres one shot yesterday- kind of a neat system with the hook of running a startup-like ghostbusters business being followed by a reality tv crew. Over the course of a 2.5 hour session we:

- exorcised two first-gen iPhones, an office printer, and a digital foosball table from craigslist (we specialized in internet-of-things and other electronics ghosts)
- ran our business out of a rented garage because it was a more legit startup that way
- had total emotional meltdowns over: climbing 8 flights of stairs, our academic pedigrees, and trying to get our parking validated
- got mistaken for IT support, a local events newsfeed, and a porn site due to our extremely ambiguous tech name (iBstn)

All in all a very silly and fun one-shot game that degenerates very quickly. Would recommend.

That's a blast from the past! I remember that game from years back, and reading that it had a rather awkward system/feel split - it's supposed to feel quite silly but in practice if you play long-term, there are many more events that cost dice than that supply them, so you just get to watch a small business going down the tubes.

Also, several posts above, huge points to the cult that performs human sacrifice in order to turn into anime magical girls. I don't know if it's supposed to be silly, or horrific to think that if that was actually possible I'm sure it would happen.

# ? Jun 18, 2018 14:58

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# ? Jun 3, 2024 13:54

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

I just found this on a Facebook group.

quote:

I am a DM, but I can pretty assuredly share the funniest check I made someone do.

I had intended things to get derailed on my campaign, and knowing my players I had made a few additional unusual metrics just in case.

I had thought rolling for penis size would eventually, inevitably come up. Turned out to be the absolute first roll of the campaign. They had not even made their characters yet. This was not necessarily out of vulgarity but it still came up.

So a water genasi is rolling for penis size first thing. I basically had decided that it was d20 divided by 2 which would equal inches in length, minimum of 1, maximum of 10. Considering he was a water genasi, a supremely tiny penis would not necessarily mean small, as who knows what kind of junk they are rocking down there.

Natural 20.

However I had told them that we did not necessarily need to roll for girth.

Next day, it inevitably came up.

Natural 1.

You may be tempted to think I am embellishing at this point. All I can say was watching the joyous shock of the absolute magic of DND slapping a player in the face was mine to have, and yours to speculate on. He was a good spirit about it.

So now his water genasi has an eel penis.

Canon.

*face in hands*

Sometimes as a DM you just have to roll with it.

quote:

Having to RP out occasional situations where he was naked and having characters check him out is hysterical. Mostly other players end up having to do it.

I usually make the ell penis look in their direction involuntarily. I have gotten some pretty gold standard reactions out of that one but from players and characters.

Nobody expects the eel penis.

Now you may ask "Why did he make his players do a penis roll?"

quote:

I wanted it to be random, as well as a system for rolling for attractiveness, because it should be subjective. I might give someone advantage who might logically appreciate a certain stat, but never more than that because love and sex is a bit more random.

I also made any kind of hooking up an ability contest where they could use what stats they wanted as all of them could apply if you are clever, and it makes sense Rogues do it better anyway.

You gotta have these things, it comes up.

Oh being a DM....

# ? Jun 18, 2018 15:04

Dog Kisser: Mar 30, 2005; But People have fears that beasts do not. Questions, too.

chitoryu12 posted:

You gotta have these things, it comes up.

Do you?

Does it?

Anyhow, InSpectres is an incredibly loving awesome name for a game, to the point I assume they came up with the name and made the game afterwards.

# ? Jun 18, 2018 15:21

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

Dog Kisser posted:

Do you?

Does it?

Frequently Questioned Answers

# ? Jun 18, 2018 15:28

Pollyanna: Mar 5, 2005; Milk's on them.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Frequently Questioned Answers

# ? Jun 18, 2018 15:31

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

Dog Kisser posted:

Do you?

Does it?

I assume that anyone who has any sort of sex antics in their game beyond "okay roll cha or whatever, yeah you're classy and bone the barmaid. ANYWAYS, ..." has a distinct lack of sex life along with a distinct desire to inflict said lacking on other people.

In better news, last night we replaced the power source of a magical ballot's paper mill (enslaved kobolds) with a much cleaner and inherently renewable energy source. Fast Zombies.

Yawgmoth fucked around with this message at 19:55 on Jun 18, 2018

# ? Jun 18, 2018 19:53

BadSamaritan: May 2, 2008; crumb by crumb in this big black forest

Modules that have sex stuff in them are especially cringey. Welp, gotta fill this tavern with at least five flavors of hookers even though there are only about 20 people in this town. No don�t ask me about how the economy works or why this is the only social encounter written with any sort of effort.

At least it�s an easy sign, as with players, of when to just throw the whole thing out.

# ? Jun 18, 2018 20:38

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Ed Greenwood is particularly bad about this

quote:

http://candlekeep.com/library/articles/sse/sse_020304-04.htm
My concept of Alustriel as de facto ruler of Silverymoon has always been glossed over by TSR (and now WotC) for Code of Ethics/Code of Conduct reasons, because I see her as the Realms equivalent of �the Queen of Courtly Love,� presiding over a Court that amuses itself (along with delighting in wit, new songs, new inventions or clever craftsmanship, and fashions) with dalliances, courtship, and lovemaking. Er, lots of lovemaking. :}

In the same way that real-world kings in some places and times enjoyed droit de signeur [French for: �As the King, I have the right to sleep with anyone� :}], Alustriel takes many lovers for short periods of time, and is one of those rare kind, understanding, warm people who has the knack of staying close, affectionate friends with former lovers, even in the presence of other ex-flames. In fact, it�s quite likely that any meeting of courtiers will contain a majority of folk who have visited the royal bed or baths at one time or another -- and most of them remain fiercely loyal to Alustriel and to her dream of Silverymoon. (In fact, some cynics, such as Torm of the Knights of Myth Drannor, believe she deliberately seduces political foes to transform them into personal friends.) The fact demonstrably remains that to attack Alustriel in Silverymoon will be to evoke immediate defense of her person by dozens of champions who will lay down their lives to protect hers, even knowing she�s the �Anointed of the Goddess� and may not really need their protection.

For obvious moral reasons, published Realmslore glides over all this �free love� stuff (gakk! orgies! Nonononono!) without saying much (though if you read the words of Silverymmon-related Realmslore I�ve written, nothing contradicts it). If you�re portraying Alustriel correctly in play, she loves to laugh (except when to do so would be cruel to others), gives hugs, caresses, and kisses freely, has no personal dignity (nude? Me? Yes, so? Yes, I heard him comment on the shape and taste of my breasts -- that�s why I was thanking him) but a LOT of personal grace and charm, and never forgets details about people (so if meeting a knight she bedded one night eight years ago, she�ll recall the name of his ailing mother and her ailment, the name of his new bride, and any �touchy triggers� any of them might have). Most folk who meet her can�t remain jealous of her or angry at her for long.

The original Mystra seemed to encourage Alustriel to have children (why? Hoho! SO many mysteries, waved before you!), because she conceived every nine months and a day or two, giving Faerun a succession of healthy males in a series of easy births (and being little constricted or uncomfortable while pregnant, because rather than acquiring a ballooning belly, the High Lady always put on weight all over, and retained her poise, balance, and activities). Yes, she�s given birth to females, and no, I�m not going to say ANYTHING more about that for future schemes reasons. :} The new Mystra may have other ideas, because (as far as Elminster knows -- and he doesn�t hesitate to ask her, straight out) Alustriel isn�t pregnant right now, and shows no signs of becoming so.

For details of her current consort, see the quartet of Realmslore columns appearing on the WotC website right now.

�Aerasume� is a surname, and all of the tall, strapping lads who bear it share the same father, who remains Alustriel�s lover on nights when she needs comforting, but these days is often away from Silverymoon on explorative expeditions into the wilderlands. As I said: with very few exceptions, Alustriel remains on good terms with her former lovers, and manages somehow to keep them comfortable with each other (I guess it�s like being members of a club one very much enjoys being part of). So they all get along well together. At long-ago GenCons I often ran Realms play sessions in which PCs were sent with an urgent message to Alustriel [a stranger to them by all but reputation] through a secret portal that admitted them to the Palace but removed all metal -- weapons and, er, BELT BUCKLES -- and all enchanted materials [items and garments vanished, spells operating on the bodies of the PCs just melted away] in doing so. Stumbling over their own falling clothing but under imperative, overriding orders to get to Alustriel right away (and bearing a pass that would let them do so), the racing PCs were directed to a certain chamber, and burst into it to discover that it was taken up by a vast, shallow bath filled with warm rosewater and naked people making love. SOMEwhere in all of that sliding flesh was Alustriel. Their mission: find her.

I loved watching players� faces, right at that moment.

# ? Jun 18, 2018 22:29

DivineCoffeeBinge: Mar 3, 2011; Spider-Man's Amazing Construction Company

Tunicate posted:

Ed Greenwood is particularly bad about this

1970s con culture went really loving strange places that are still (sadly) relevant today

# ? Jun 18, 2018 22:45

hyphz: Aug 5, 2003; Number 1 Nerd Tear Farmer 2022.

Keep it up, champ.

Also you're a skeleton warrior now. Kree.; Unlockable Ben

Dog Kisser posted:

Anyhow, InSpectres is an incredibly loving awesome name for a game, to the point I assume they came up with the name and made the game afterwards.

If by came up with, you mean pinched out of Judge Dredd, then yes.

# ? Jun 18, 2018 23:13

habituallyred: Feb 6, 2015

Obviously those hacks writing Judge Dread were just inspired by Spectre General. (1952 by Theodore Cogswell)
:goonsay:

(Eagerly awaiting somebody else to chime in with something from Carnacki the Ghost Finder or whatever.)

# ? Jun 19, 2018 10:00

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

Tunicate posted:

Ed Greenwood is particularly bad about this

I hear Ed's a nice guy in person but holy poo poo I want to beat him with a chair until it breaks just from the way he writes and then get another chair to continue beating him because of what he writes.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 14:11

BadSamaritan: May 2, 2008; crumb by crumb in this big black forest

luv 2 sit at a table with strangers while the DM talks himself off

Like, I can�t imagine a session with more than just a *dash* of that kind of content being anything but horrible and awkward for players. I don�t think I�m a giant prude or anything but man. I was so relieved when a fairly old-school DM that I met online ended up using a very homebrew Mystra in his game and didn�t bring any of the lore (or fanfic) along for the ride. Ended up being a great DM and a great group, but I got legit nervous when he started naming NPCs.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 14:30

Kurieg: Jul 19, 2012; RIP Lutri: 5/19/20-4/2/20

Tunicate posted:

Ed Greenwood is particularly bad about this

Don't forget that Elminster is his very real friend (And most definitely NOT his self insert no siree) who comes to his house to drink beers. And also fucks Mystra like so much, god they have so much sex, and he has sex with all of her priestesses, and sometimes he is one of her priestessess, and has sex.

Yawgmoth posted:

I hear Ed's a nice guy in person but holy poo poo I want to beat him with a chair until it breaks just from the way he writes and then get another chair to continue beating him because of what he writes.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 14:43

the_steve: Nov 9, 2005; We're always hiring!

Yawgmoth posted:

I hear Ed's a nice guy in person but holy poo poo I want to beat him with a chair until it breaks just from the way he writes and then get another chair to continue beating him because of what he writes.

I met him at Gencon a couple years ago, and yeah, he was really nice, but, he's definitely the quintessential Dirty Old Man.
Like, he manages to stay on the right side of the line to where it's more "endearing" (for lack of a better term) than full-on creeper, but still.

Of course, I'm also a dude, so I can't begin to hazard a guess how he is around women.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 15:08

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

quote:

(why? Hoho! SO many mysteries, waved before you!)

gently caress you, Greenwood.

quote:

I loved watching players� faces, right at that moment.

No. Seriously. gently caress you and your mythal-woven realm.

Jesus Christ, even his description of a pregnant Alustriel is creepy.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 15:22

BadSamaritan: May 2, 2008; crumb by crumb in this big black forest

Bieeanshee posted:

Jesus Christ, even his description of a pregnant Alustriel is creepy.

�Oh it�s cool, she doesn�t get hideous pregnant she�s still totally hot in the way I like :}�

Yeah, as a woman those Creepy Old Guys (DM or player types) either get super shy and avoid their sex content or go ALL IN to share their erotic vision once a woman joins a group. It�s a toss up what you�ll get.

E: Making a paladin fall offscreen/out of player control is bad enough but Kurieg that�s extremely :yikes:

BadSamaritan fucked around with this message at 15:58 on Jun 19, 2018

# ? Jun 19, 2018 15:34

Kurieg: Jul 19, 2012; RIP Lutri: 5/19/20-4/2/20

I know someone posted a story a *long* time ago in the thread about a female player who missed a game and came back to find that her paladin had gotten pregnant and fallen as a result.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 15:39

Pollyanna: Mar 5, 2005; Milk's on them.

If I�m ever in a game like that I will make it my mission to ruin it.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 16:20

MadDogMike: Apr 9, 2008; Cute but fanged

Kurieg posted:

I know someone posted a story a *long* time ago in the thread about a female player who missed a game and came back to find that her paladin had gotten pregnant and fallen as a result.

Yeesh, closest my gaming has come to that was when in our weekly game (which alternates between two different games) whose character (basically an anthropomorphic otter) got tossed into the water to �scout� and found a giant crayfish monster. When she missed thenext week�s other campaign game, where we were trapped on an island by a storm god, there were jokes about tossing her character in that game into the water as a sacrifice to the storm god to keep up the tradition. Still laughing though that last week her otter-like character got jealous of my mage getting a pseudodragon familiar so she used the boon we got from the local ruler to ask for a puppy :3:

# ? Jun 19, 2018 16:36

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Pollyanna posted:

If I�m ever in a game like that I will make it my mission to ruin it.

"How EVER will you find her in the BATH full of NAKED HOTTIES??"

:witch:

"I cast lightning bolt."

# ? Jun 19, 2018 17:18

Ilor: Feb 2, 2008; That's a crit.

I would've gone with disintegrate, but OK.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 19:45

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

Ilor posted:

I would've gone with disintegrate, but OK.

My personal choice would be a chained Grim Revenge, but I am very not right in the head.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 19:58

BadSamaritan: May 2, 2008; crumb by crumb in this big black forest

Imagining a geas to just, like, put some clothes on.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 20:26

Pollyanna: Mar 5, 2005; Milk's on them.

I�m a Prude Elemental, I�m just getting into character!

# ? Jun 19, 2018 21:26

Plutonis: Mar 25, 2011

Pollyanna posted:

If I�m ever in a game like that I will make it my mission to ruin it.

I'd try to be a bigger psycho pervert than them

# ? Jun 19, 2018 21:52

Ichabod Sexbeast: Dec 5, 2011; Giving 'em the old razzle-dazzle

Plutonis posted:

I'd try to be a bigger psycho pervert than them

That is a game bereft of winners, my friend

# ? Jun 19, 2018 23:30

Countblanc: Apr 20, 2005; _{Help a hero out!}

This is just more proof that sex is a blight on humanity's purity.

# ? Jun 19, 2018 23:33

Cartoon: Jun 20, 2008; poop

Pollyanna posted:

If I�m ever in a game like that I will make it my mission to ruin it.

Can't break what is already broken.

# ? Jun 20, 2018 02:35

deedee megadoodoo: Sep 28, 2000; Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one to Flavortown, and that has made all the difference.

I put on my robe and wizard hat.

# ? Jun 20, 2018 03:34

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

very stable genius posted:

I put on my robe and Whizzard hat.

# ? Jun 20, 2018 03:36

Double Plus Undead: Dec 24, 2010

Piss-wizarding aside, wouldn't the party just... ask for her to come out and look at their plot coupon? And not do any weird sex poo poo at all?

# ? Jun 20, 2018 04:02

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Double Plus Undead posted:

Piss-wizarding aside, wouldn't the party just... ask for her to come out and look at their plot coupon? And not do any weird sex poo poo at all?

I've told this story before, but I did a game with all the players rotating DM duties. During the first session DMed by the world creator's creepy autistic cousin, he very obviously attempted to drug my character to be raped and announced a town-wide orgy as we were leaving on the quest.

# ? Jun 20, 2018 04:20

RedMagus: Nov 16, 2005; Male....Female...what does it matter? Power is beautiful, and I've got the power!; Grimey Drawer

Double Plus Undead posted:

Piss-wizarding aside, wouldn't the party just... ask for her to come out and look at their plot coupon? And not do any weird sex poo poo at all?

When you get deviant behaviors like that, the person creating them is looking for confirmation that "yea we're all like this, it's totally just a thing we keep under our hats, but you all are cool dudes right?" Definitely part of the reason why I try and keep a zero tolerance policy on that behavior, as well as creeping on other people at the table.

# ? Jun 20, 2018 13:28

CobiWann: Oct 21, 2009; Have fun!

Look, all I'm saying is my 18 in Charisma directly translates to what I have "under the hood..."

# ? Jun 20, 2018 13:54

Jenny Angel: Oct 24, 2010; Out of Control
Hard to Regulate
Anything Goes!; Lipstick Apathy

the_steve posted:

JFC, we need a massive infusion of Tanicus or Funhavers, or literally anything else STAT.

Falstaff posted:

I think Funhavers would work best. Need some sunshine to disinfect the thread.

I'm catching up on the last two months or so of this thread and I just saw these. I'm genuinely really sorry to let you down, guys... Funhhavers is currently on indefinite hiatus while I try to sort out some of my crippling depression. It turns out I was the Grimdark all along

# ? Jun 20, 2018 22:27

Foolster41: Aug 2, 2013; "It's a non-speaking role"

I played in a charity D&D event last Saturday, raising money for a local hospital (Seattle Childrens), and it was a pretty fun night.
How it worked was, you bought in $5 worth of raffle tickets, and you could buy more at $1 each, which also gave you each a free re-roll of your dice.
The donated prizes were pretty cool:

(E: In the dice bags were penny arcade pins)

Each player got a random character (though you can use a reroll, or select an already revealed character). A player who said before hand he was going to be a bard, got the bard. :P Each card was just a class, no race or gender given, though there was a picture. I chose to go with what was on the card, a female elf monk.

We had 3 tables, each with 5 players and GM.
The players at our table were mostly typical cliches, the loud lecherous bard, the thickheaded warrior, the reserved priest and one more I forget.

The plot was we were at a party, and the PCs are trying to convince nobles to donate, hired by the hospital director. Each 100gp we convince a noble to donate (the max was 1,000gp for each noble) was a point. At the end of the night, the top 3 in points got first, second and third choice of the prizes. Then the rest was raffled.

The director made a point of forbidding us from drinking, but a few players got the stink eye from her when they went to the bar to get drinks for the NPCs.

We had a card describing the different people and then got a shot at convincing a person. One was a woman wrangingling 4 (or 5?) children. I heard from the other table something about using "animal handling".

My first choice was a couple, and I chose to go for a "cute" approach. (or "full kuwai" as the GM put it). "Hiya, my names's Mae, what's yours? You know, as a monk, I was an orphan, so I know what it's like to be a child with nothing. It would help *ever* so much if you donated. "
(It said something about monks being orphans as flavor text on my card, so I ran with that, and got a good sized donation.

The next person I tried was a dwarf who was putting stuff in a mug of beer and tasting it, and not looking the results. 'Hi! I bet you I can do a sweet back-flip!" (+4 athletics, and hoping to do a bar bet with the probibly drunk Dwarf considering how many sips he's taken). Didn't really work.

After that some sort of monsters teleported in and we had to fight them. I did pretty well, punching on to death in a single hit (I think I rolled like 4 nat 20s). But then the director got kidnapped and we chased them to an abandoned part of the hospital. This section we rolled for a set of skills we could use divided into physical, mental or charm I think. I wriggled into a hole and we fought the final boss ("first table to defeat it gets 1 point for each player"). Just as the GM was saying he was dead, another table announced he was dead. Rats.

In the end, I won a nice reprint of the AD&D player's handbook (Complete with mispellings intact I was told), which looks like it might be worth quite a bit, and I'm going to try to sell, or trade for store credit, since I don't really have a lot of interest in AD&D.

And that night we raised something like $400 for Seattle Children's Hospital.

Foolster41 fucked around with this message at 01:47 on Jun 21, 2018

# ? Jun 21, 2018 00:10

CobiWann: Oct 21, 2009; Have fun!

Jenny Angel posted:

I'm catching up on the last two months or so of this thread and I just saw these. I'm genuinely really sorry to let you down, guys... Funhhavers is currently on indefinite hiatus while I try to sort out some of my crippling depression. It turns out I was the Grimdark all along

Don't apologize! You're not the Grimdark, you're a bloke who is currently on a downswing, which means soon you'll be on a upswing.

Look at it like this...big white words on a black screen - THE FUNHAVERS WILL RETURN!

# ? Jun 21, 2018 01:15

Otherkinsey Scale: Jul 17, 2012; Just a little bit of sunshine!

Foolster41 posted:

I played in a charity D&D event last Saturday, raising money for a local hospital (Seattle Childrens), and it was a pretty fun night.
How it worked was, you bought in $5 worth of raffle tickets, and you could buy more at $1 each, which also gave you each a free re-roll of your dice.

That sounds like a lot of fun, and a great way to raise some money.

# ? Jun 21, 2018 02:42

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# ? Jun 3, 2024 13:54

JustJeff88: Jan 15, 2008; I AM
CONSISTENTLY
ANNOYING
...
JUST TERRIBLE

THIS BADGE OF SHAME IS WORTH 0.45 DOUBLE DRAGON ADVANCES

of SA-Mart forever

quote:

In the end, I won a nice reprint of the AD&D player's handbook (Complete with mispellings intact I was told), which looks like it might be worth quite a bit, and I'm going to try to sell, or trade for store credit, since I don't really have a lot of interest in AD&D.

If I weren't so skint, I would ask you to sell it to me and give it to myself for my birthday. I've never seen that cover before and it really caught my eye.

# ? Jun 21, 2018 04:58

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Notable Gaming Experiences: The Gospel According to CobiWann's DM

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