Nyarai posted:

Here's Eduardo Sanchez's answer, which was a riff on the throat-crushing OP.

Nyarai posted:

Here's Eduardo Sanchez's answer, which was a riff on the throat-crushing OP.

timefly posted:

went into a store whose name rhymes with "Small Tart"

Nyarai posted:

Here's Eduardo Sanchez's answer, which was a riff on the throat-crushing OP.

Zaphod42 posted:

I can't even begin to understand thinking that you're being clever with this

Because Walmart will sue you if you write words about them on the internet, but if you say "rhymes with" you're totally in the clear. That's how libel works.

Zaphod42 posted:

I can't even begin to understand thinking that you're being clever with this

Because Walmart will sue you if you write words about them on the internet, but if you say "rhymes with" you're totally in the clear. That's how libel works.

STDH Redditor posted:

5 minutes later, and many loud "I know"s and "Yes, that's right"s at his own boss, the DM returns my wallet and apologizes to me, asking me if there's anything he can do to make this right, I told him my order and he got the picture... I walked out of that wal-mart with a free laptop and cables (I had to pay for the drill because they're sold on commission and the DM couldn't comp me that item). To this day I only hope Sam didn't die alone and broke... I really felt bad, but he dug his own hole.

Zelder posted:

Finally I can die happy

Zaphod42 posted:

Standing ovation shows he was in on the joke for sure.

Although, wait, does it? I mean people keep posting these things like they're real and... gently caress poe's law is serious with these kinds of stdh stories. Impossible to tell parody from serious posts.

Zelder posted:

I don't think you can remove anyone's head with a knee.

Jurgan posted:

Don’t listen to the people saying this is implausible- similar things happened to me all throughout school.

The first case was when I was six years old. A gang of bullies were teasing me, and I knew that if I didn’t decisively defeat them then the bullying would never stop. So I attacked the leader, throwing him to the ground, and kicking him repeatedly in the face. I didn’t enjoy it (my older brother, who takes pleasure in torturing squirrels, would have liked it, but I’m not like him). Still, I knew I had to win the fight now and for all time.

I didn’t learn until years later that the bully had died. Apparently, though, my win was so impressive that I was recruited to an elite military academy. On the first day, another bully picked on me, so I broke his arm, but he didn’t die. Years later, another group of bullies was tormenting me. The faculty knew about it, but they wanted to see how I would handle myself. When the bullies cornered me in the shower, I taunted the leader into fighting me one-on-one, and I knocked him to the ground and kicked him in the crotch. The faculty took him away and gave me a promotion, and later I found out he died when his head hit the ground.

I don’t think of myself as a killer. I never enjoy killing, but if I’m in danger I will end the fight in a way that my enemies will never threaten me again. I had a successful career in the military and committed what are generally considered war crimes. I will carry the guilt of my actions for the rest of my life, and do what I can to make sure no one ever has to do it again.

Jurgan posted:

I couldn't resist:

ilmucche posted:

Source your quotes.

Let me guess, everyone loved you and you climbed on to a starship and flew into outer space?

ilmucche posted:

Let me guess, everyone loved you and you climbed on to a starship and flew into outer space?

ilmucche posted:

Source your quotes.

Let me guess, everyone loved you and you climbed on to a starship and flew into outer space?

Zelder posted:

I don't think you can remove anyone's head with a knee.

Jurgan posted:

I couldn't resist:

Jurgan posted:

It was a response to the same Quora post.

Zaphod42 posted:

NONE of the stories are real legitimate things that happened.

But the point is some of them are bullshit trying to pass as real, and others are satire of bullshit meant to poke fun at the bullshitters.

Its those which you can't determine between. I think you missed the point.

Jerry Cotton posted:

Toilet STDH

evobatman posted:

Enders Game?

TheMostFrench posted:

They call this one the Sanchez Spinner, because the head comes off due to the rotational force of taking a turning knee to the face.

I know this because...I taught it to him. I am Big Sanchez.

quote:

I came home this afternoon after picking up my copy of gta and I smelled something funny from my neighbors house. I went over there and the door was unlocked so I went right in. Sure enough there was my neighbor and two of his friends smoking to their hearts content. I told them they had two options, one- they could put the joints out or two- I would put the joints out for them. My neighbor had run ins with me before so he knew I meant business so he threw his joint down and told me to leave. I said you made a wise choice but I'm still calling the cops and then I turned to leave.

My neighbor then got up off the couch got behind me and said a few cuss words and told me to mind my business. Well that did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "lets get high". I then front kicked him a good 8 feet in the air. Then his other friend came at me with the bong, I grabbed his arm, snapped it and then hit him in the stomach with the bong. His other friend ran into the kitchen so I went after him.

He was in the corner crying so I said "this is your brain" and then I grabbed a frying pan and said "this is your brain on drugs" and then I hit him in the head as hard as I could with the frying pan.

After that I called the cops and they came over and arrested my neighbor and his friends. As I was leaving the sarge shouted out to me thanks. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said " well you know sarge, perhaps if we build a freaking dunkin doughnuts on this street it would give you guys a excuse to ride up here once or twice a week and keep the crime down.

I then threw my shades on the ground to let him know I meant business. I feel pretty good about what I did for my neighborhood today.

quote:

Me and one of my friends went out today for some dinner so we stopped at a pretty nice restaurant. I don't smoke and most of the time I sit in the non smoking section but I didn't feel like walking to the back of the restaurant today so me and my friend sat at the first table we came to in the smoking section. Since most ppl should be aware that I don't smoke I didn't think I would have any problems.

I was wrong.

This jerk lit up a cigarette right next to me. I couldn't belive this fat jerk was disrepecting me like this so I turned around and looked him right in the eye and said " you might want to put that out sir..........That is,if you value your health". The guy said a couple of cuss words and told me to go to the non smoking section.

Well that did it. I got up went over to the table and said "excuse me sir but you didn't clean your plate", and then I took his plate and bashed him over the head with it. Then his friend that was with him got up and took a swing at me, I ducked it and then gave him a swift round kick to the ribs. I then hip tossed him on the table and then I turned around and looked one of the waiters right in the eye and said "this orders to go" and then I tossed the table with the guy on it a good 14 feet across the room.

As me and my friend were storming out the manager apologized to us but I told him it was too late as I would never eat there again.

ibntumart posted:

This chatter reminds me of classic SA poster mjq jazz bar’s tales. For those who don’t remember:

Jerry Cotton posted:

Jurgan posted:

I like how the guy is so well-known that anyone sitting in a random “nice restaurant” would know better than to smoke around him.

SkunkDuster posted:

What was that thread about a hotel employee (not the big guy) who had a bunch of STDH stories and then M R CRACKER came in and started posting his brand of crazy STDH causing the OP to have a meltdown because it was his thread and M R CRACKER was stealing all his glory?

Tunicate posted:

Breitbart Is Rightbart posted:

Joey Vapes and the resident who had fashioned a dildo out of a deodorant can, plastic bags and condoms, and then attached it to a spring in his mattress?

SkunkDuster posted:

What was that thread about a hotel employee (not the big guy) who had a bunch of STDH stories and then M R CRACKER came in and started posting his brand of crazy STDH causing the OP to have a meltdown because it was his thread and M R CRACKER was stealing all his glory?

SerialKilldeer posted:

That reminds me, there was a thread linked here that I randomly remembered earlier: someone asking for advice on how to get rid of about 20 pounds of expensive cheese which his roommate had stolen from a neighbor who was on vacation, and who would apparently get violent if he learned of the theft. The resulting thread consisted of many exchanges like this:
: Why don't you do [obvious thing]?
OP: I can't because [wacky contrived-sounding reason].
For example, he couldn't just sneak the cheese back into the guy's house because some other neighbor kept spying on him. It was all pretty amusing and I'd appreciate a link if anyone remembers this.

SerialKilldeer posted:

That reminds me, there was a thread linked here that I randomly remembered earlier: someone asking for advice on how to get rid of about 20 pounds of expensive cheese which his roommate had stolen from a neighbor who was on vacation, and who would apparently get violent if he learned of the theft. The resulting thread consisted of many exchanges like this:
: Why don't you do [obvious thing]?
OP: I can't because [wacky contrived-sounding reason].
For example, he couldn't just sneak the cheese back into the guy's house because some other neighbor kept spying on him. It was all pretty amusing and I'd appreciate a link if anyone remembers this.

SkunkDuster posted:

What was that thread about a hotel employee (not the big guy) who had a bunch of STDH stories and then M R CRACKER came in and started posting his brand of crazy STDH causing the OP to have a meltdown because it was his thread and M R CRACKER was stealing all his glory?

Zamboni_Rodeo posted:

And this reminds me of the lactose-intolerant goon who refused to stop eating cheese even though his noxious farts were causing his co-workers to need gas masks:

OP: Every time I eat cheese I get these horrible farts and my co-workers are going to rise as one and slaughter me. What can I do?
Everyone else: You're lactose intolerant, OP. Stop eating cheese.
OP: No. gently caress y'all, I like cheese.