Dalris Othaine posted:

re: Wizard Hitler, wasn't there an entire movie out about that recently?

quote:

"Well, besides that, it's a spell that's got a manageable area of effect, and is ridiculously easy to cast to boot – the perfect spell to handle Dark wizards. Not to mention that it's a blast at parties." Tonks winked provocatively. "And during sex."

Harry went red.

(note: harry is 15 years old here. theres tons of stuff like this from tonks to harry)

quote:

"You see, insanity's a bit like a sexually transmitted disease – now that's a term you don't hear too often at Hogwarts!", Peeves said.

(after this he makes a reference to catching 'em all and cakes being lies)

quote:

Harry glared at Tonks, but she only laughed. So, awkwardly holding the sheet around him, he pulled down his boxers and tossed them with the rest of his clothes.

"What now?"

"Now we proceed to have kinky sex on top of the desk, which I will transfigure into a bed for good measure," Tonks replied primly, keeping a completely straight face. "Turns out the whole simulamancy thing was a very well conceived plan just to get you in bed with me."

"Tonks!"

"Of course, I'm kidding," Tonks continued with a wink. "Nah, just get up onto the table and lie flat on your back. Keep all parts of your body as still as possible – and that includes your –"

Qwertycoatl posted:

Then Herminone dies and it's suddenly totally reasonable to try to bring the dead back to life because he really wants to.

End of Shoelace posted:

End of Shoelace posted:

more good bits from renegade cause:

- snape says "gently caress"

End of Shoelace posted:

more good bits from renegade cause:

- tonks basically grooms harry constantly. so far she has also disguised as a hufflepuff 4th grader girl to lure harry into a closet and french kiss him
- harry and tonks need to kill the wife of an education board member to get harry an audience/interrogation with no members on the opposition. they also need a corpse for a blood magic rite to transfer harrys consciousness into it so he can travel outside hogwarts to gain further allies. tonks tells harry she wouldnt mind bending his naked ladycorpse over a table. NOTE: HE IS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
- harry growls something in anger about 500 times
- harry uses avada kedavra on a person he doesnt know because he is remorseless and world-wise
- snape says "gently caress"
- peeves is pretty much the ghost of joker from the killing joke, and works for a mysterious hidden darkness. he quotes green day and is truely insane™
- the entire story happens because harry refused to surrender his wand to the ministry after saving dudley from dementors. instead, he blinds ministry officials by blowing up a mirror. he runs away from ministry "hit wizards" on his broom and four of them die after they crash into an airplane. harry is worried hes in trouble and angry at people freaking out at him
- one of the dead is the brother of the hit wizard head chief. he slowly goes nuts with grief, and after harry kills him in a duel hes relieved the terror to himself is finally over
- the author accidentally uses a first person pronoun, referring to himself, when writing harry during an erotic situation with tonks

renegade cause presents the story of a manipulative psychopath harry, in which he acts as an almost fantastical trope of an "abusive victim". simultaneously being exploited, yet taking advantage of his surrounding plight constantly. its contrasted with harrys distrust of people, until a pedophile develops a sexually charged relationship with him. none of the ethics are put under question by the writer.

im guessing the author does not come from a very healthy place to write stuff like this.

End of Shoelace posted:

more good bits from renegade cause:

- tonks basically grooms harry constantly. so far she has also disguised as a hufflepuff 4th grader girl to lure harry into a closet and french kiss him
- harry and tonks need to kill the wife of an education board member to get harry an audience/interrogation with no members on the opposition. they also need a corpse for a blood magic rite to transfer harrys consciousness into it so he can travel outside hogwarts to gain further allies. tonks tells harry she wouldnt mind bending his naked ladycorpse over a table. NOTE: HE IS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
- harry growls something in anger about 500 times
- harry uses avada kedavra on a person he doesnt know because he is remorseless and world-wise
- snape says "gently caress"
- peeves is pretty much the ghost of joker from the killing joke, and works for a mysterious hidden darkness. he quotes green day and is truely insane™
- the entire story happens because harry refused to surrender his wand to the ministry after saving dudley from dementors. instead, he blinds ministry officials by blowing up a mirror. he runs away from ministry "hit wizards" on his broom and four of them die after they crash into an airplane. harry is worried hes in trouble and angry at people freaking out at him
- one of the dead is the brother of the hit wizard head chief. he slowly goes nuts with grief, and after harry kills him in a duel hes relieved the terror to himself is finally over
- the author accidentally uses a first person pronoun, referring to himself, when writing harry during an erotic situation with tonks

renegade cause presents the story of a manipulative psychopath harry, in which he acts as an almost fantastical trope of an "abusive victim". simultaneously being exploited, yet taking advantage of his surrounding plight constantly. its contrasted with harrys distrust of people, until a pedophile develops a sexually charged relationship with him. none of the ethics are put under question by the writer.

im guessing the author does not come from a very healthy place to write stuff like this.

End of Shoelace posted:

- the author accidentally uses a first person pronoun, referring to himself, when writing harry during an erotic situation with tonks

End of Shoelace posted:

quote:

Draco's eyes narrowed, before he caught himself. As a Silvery Slytherin he wasn't supposed to be Prejudiced against any sentient being, especially not where other people might see him.

...

"Bah," said the foreign boy. "In Durmstrang we learn to fight Buchholz hydra. Unimaginably more tedious to fight! I mean literally, cannot imagine. First-years not believe us when we tell them winning is possible! Instructor must give second order, iterate until they comprehend."

quote:

"Unicorn's blood," Hagrid said. The huge man's voice was sad.

In a clearing ahead, visible through the tangled branches of a great oak, they saw the fallen creature, splayed beautiful and sad upon the ground, the dirt around her shining moon-silver with pooled blood. The unicorn was not white, but pale blue, or appearing so beneath the moon and night sky. Her slender legs stuck out at odd angles, obviously broken, and her mane spread across the dark leaves, green-black but with a sheen like pearls. On her flank was a small white shape like a starburst, a center surrounded by eight straight rays. Half her side had been ripped away, the edges ragged like the marks of teeth, bones and inner organs exposed.

A strange choking sensation rose in Draco's throat.

"That's 'er," Hagrid said, his sad whisper as loud as a normal man's voice. "Just where I found 'er this mornin', dead as a dead doorknob. She is - was - the first unicorn I e'er met in these woods. I called 'er Alicorn, not that it matters ter 'er any more, I s'pose."

"You named a unicorn Alicorn," said the older girl. Her voice was a bit dry.

"But she doesn't have wings," Tracey said.

"An alicorn's a unicorn's horn," Hagrid said, now louder. "Don't know where yeh all started thinking it meant a unicorn with wings, 'ere's no such thing I ever heard."

quote:

"Even if most Dark Wizards are from Slytherin, very few Slytherins are Dark Wizards. There aren't all that many Dark Wizards, so not all Slytherins can be one." Or as Father had said, while any Malfoy should certainly know much of the secret lore, the more... costly rituals were better left to useful fools like Amycus Carrow.

"So yeh're saying," Hagrid said, "that most Dark Wizards are Slytherins... but..."

"But most Slytherins are not Dark Wizards," Draco said. He had a weary feeling they'd be at this a while, but like fighting a hydra, the important thing was to not give up.

quote:

"You two wait here!" Hagrid shouted. "Stay where yeh are, I'll come back for yeh!"

Before Draco could say a word, Hagrid spun and crashed away through the undergrowth.

Draco and Tracey stood looking at each other, until they heard nothing but the rustling of leaves around them. Tracey looked scared, but trying to hide it. Draco was feeling more annoyed than anything else. Apparently Rubeus Hagrid, when he had formed his plans for tonight, had not spent even five seconds visualizing the consequences if something actually went wrong.

...

Tracey was holding her wand now, saying things like "Prismatis" and "Stupefy" but nothing was happening.

Then the seething outline rose up, like a man rising to his feet only not so; and it seemed to scuttle forward, moving with a strange half-jump across the dying unicorn's legs, approaching the two of them.

Tracey tugged at his sleeve and then turned to run, run from something that could hunt down unicorns. Before she could take three steps there came another terrible hiss, burning his ears, and Tracey fell to the ground and did not move.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Draco knew that he was about to die. Even if the Auror checked his mirror this very instant, there was no way anyone could get here fast enough. There was no time.

Running hadn't worked.

Magic hadn't worked.

quote:

Then a blazing silver ball of light plunged out of the night sky and hung there, illuminating the forest as bright as daylight, and the seething outline leapt backwards, as though in horror of the light.

Four broomsticks plunged out of the sky, three Aurors with bright multicolored shields and Harry Potter holding his wand aloft, seated behind Professor McGonagall within a larger shield.

"Get out of here!" roared Professor McGonagall -

- an instant before the seething thing gave forth another terrible hiss, and all the shielding spells winked out. The three Aurors and Professor McGonagall fell off their broomsticks and dropped heavily to the forest floor, lying motionless.

quote:

Harry didn't answer. The sense of doom was as strong as Harry could ever remember feeling it, a feeling of power in the air so great that it was almost tangible. Some part of him was still viscerally shocked at how fast the shields surrounding the Aurors had been torn apart. He almost hadn't been able to see the successive lashes of color which had torn away the shields like tissue paper. It made the duel Professor Quirrell had fought against the Auror in Azkaban look like a mockery, a child's game - though Professor Quirrell had claimed, then, that if he'd fought for real the Auror would have been dead in seconds; and Harry knew now that this was also true.

Just how high did the power ladder go?

"I take it," Harry said, managing to keep his voice steady, "that your eating unicorns has something to do with why you'll get fired from the Defense Professor position. I don't suppose you'd care to explain in considerable detail?"

Professor Quirrell looked at him. The almost tangible sense of power in the air seemed to diminish, drawing back into the Defense Professor. "I shall indeed explain myself," the Defense Professor said. "I need to cast a few Memory Charms first, and then we may go off and discuss it, for it would not be wise for me to stay. You will return to this time later, as I know."

Harry willed himself to be able to see through the Cloak he had mastered; and knew that another Harry stood beside him, hidden by his own Deathly Hallow. Harry then told his Cloak to hide himself from himself once more, and it did; being able to perceive your future self meant having to match the memory later.

Harry's own voice said, then, sounding strange in present-Harry's ears, "He has a surprisingly good explanation."

...

"Ah," Professor Quirrell said. "As to that…" The man hesitated. "I was drinking the blood of unicorns, not eating them. The missing flesh, the ragged marks upon the body - those were to obscure the case, to make it seem like some other predator. The use of unicorn's blood is too well-known."

"I don't know it," Harry said.

"I know you do not," the Defense Professor said sharply. "Or you would not be pestering me about it. The power of unicorn's blood is to preserve your life for a time, even if you are on the very verge of death."

There was a stretch of time when Harry's brain claimed to be refusing to process the words, which was of course a lie, because you couldn't know the meaning you weren't allowed to process, without having already processed it.

A strange sense of blankness overtook Harry, an absence of reaction, maybe this was what other people felt like when someone went off-script, and they couldn't say or think of anything to do.

Of course Professor Quirrell was dying, not just occasionally ill.

Professor Quirrell had known he was dying. He'd volunteered to take the Defense Professor position at Hogwarts, after all.

Of course he'd been getting worse the whole school year. Of course illnesses which kept getting worse had a predictable destination at their end.

Harry's brain had surely known already, somewhere in the safe back of his mind where he could refuse to process things he'd already processed.

quote:

(If you're a complete imbecile, like the person who does the Dresden Files, you'll first sneer about movie vampires, then do a version of vampires that is painfully loving traditional)

Yudkowsky posted:

Just how high did the power ladder go?

Cardiovorax posted:

Honestly, I've met a lot of people who don't really like the Dresden Files and I understand why they wouldn't, but I think this may be the first time I've heard it said with that much vitriol. I thought they were rather entertaining, creative and cleverly written for urban fantasy - and certainly especially so for something that started out as an intentional attempt to take as many noir and horror clichés as possible while still making an interesting and successful novel of it.

I mean, I'll admit I may just not be as familiar with vampire stories as you are, but "Mayan bat monsters who hide inside human-looking flesh sacks" isn't what I'd call a traditional depiction of vampires, painfully or otherwise. I'm not sure how that spells 'complete imbecile.'

Tiggum posted:

I'm pretty sure that in the original books everyone's pretty much using the same spells.

Liquid Communism posted:

Jim Butcher used to be a Vampire: The Masquerade LARPer.

This informs his work heavily.

Cardiovorax posted:

Honestly, I've met a lot of people who don't really like the Dresden Files and I understand why they wouldn't, but I think this may be the first time I've heard it said with that much vitriol. I thought they were rather entertaining, creative and cleverly written for urban fantasy - and certainly especially so for something that started out as an intentional attempt to take as many noir and horror clichés as possible while still making an interesting and successful novel of it.

Xander77 posted:

http://www.dragon-quill.net/category/books/dresden-files/

I don't agree with everything, but yeah.

Tiggum posted:

I'm pretty sure that in the original books everyone's pretty much using the same spells. There's none of this "higher level magic" that just beats lower level spells like it's a video game. That's why Molly Weasley is able to kill Bellatrix. If "power levels" existed then Mrs Weasley secretly being powerful enough to defeat one of the most feared bad guys would be absurd. Her best spells would just bounce off or do nothing.

Cardiovorax posted:

Eh. Like I said, I can see why people don't like it, but I think I'll pass on reading more of that. "[I've read the first chapter and] from where I'm standing, it looks like it'll be poo poo all the way down" doesn't put me in mind of something that will focus on reasonable criticism.

Xander77 posted:

What are you doing in this thread?

Some things that are hard to argue with:

Dresden is a bullying rear end in a top hat who has a boatload of issues with women even by noir multiplied by fantasy standards. Which would have been interesting, if only the author ever became aware that he IS in fact writing a misogynistic bullying rear end in a top hat, rather than a Philip Marlowe with magic powers.

Xander77 posted:

What are you doing in this thread?

Some things that are hard to argue with:

Dresden is a bullying rear end in a top hat who has a boatload of issues with women even by noir multiplied by fantasy standards. Which would have been interesting, if only the author ever became aware that he IS in fact writing a misogynistic bullying rear end in a top hat, rather than a Philip Marlowe with magic powers.

quote:

Dresden wins his fights not because he's smart (the ideal way of writing conflict) or lucky (the old genre standby) or because his enemies are stupid (what the average hack resorts to) but because he's straight up overpowered, to the point that he only starts encountering enemies that can stand up to his magic 4-5 books in. The author is constantly talking about Dresden being on his last leg and about to drop from exhaustion and lack of magic power, but since his magic power stems from emotion / motivation, there's always "just" enough.

quote:

The worldbuilding is terribly poorly thought out. The white council supposedly enforces the masquerade,

Cardiovorax posted:

In the books, "magical power" is directly proportional to how many spells you know and how well and how creatively you're able to use them. Fanfics like to make it out as if magic is like a muscle you can train and with which some people are just stronger than others. In the books, though, it's very much a skill. Dumbledore is a powerful wizard because he's incredibly intelligent, very studious and in the possession of oodles of obscure and specialized knowledge that most people never bother to learn. Voldemort is the same way. It doesn't take any endurance to keep casting either - at most, you'll get a sore arm from all the stick-wiggling.

I'm passingly familiar with the game, but honestly, I wouldn't have been able to tell. "Vampire LARPer" makes me think "Anne Rice wannabe," which isn't really the impression the Dresden Files gave me. Then again, it worked out to a fun read for me, so I suppose it wouldn't matter either way.

Tunicate posted:

No, they don't. Not sure where you got that idea?

Xander77 posted:

Edit - also, if this bullshit is par the course for modern fantasy, then it's worth having a look at the problems with modern fantasy, neh?

Tunicate posted:

You mean like including a part where Dresden reflects to himself that if he hadn't been a chauvinistic rear end in a top hat in the second book it'd have been wrapped up in about three chapters without anyone getting murdered?

quote:

So the thing in the movies, where Voldemort's green beam of light would hit Harry's red beam and they would crackle against each other, is that a normal wizard thing? Like you can block an Avada Kedavra with an Expelliamus as long as you time it right? Or was that a trick of Harry's wand being connected to Voldemorts?

Ccs posted:

So the thing in the movies, where Voldemort's green beam of light would hit Harry's red beam and they would crackle against each other, is that a normal wizard thing? Like you can block an Avada Kedavra with an Expelliamus as long as you time it right? Or was that a trick of Harry's wand being connected to Voldemorts?

If you can't normally block magic, I don't understand why Voldemort ever bother using any other spell. Like just keep shooting the Avada Kedavras. Why mess around with giant snakes made of fire when the spell that will kill your enemy instantly unless they hide behind a stone wall is at your disposal?

Same with the good guys. Other wizards as useless without their wand to just go for the disarming spell. Why bother with anything else in a battle?

Ccs posted:

So the thing in the movies, where Voldemort's green beam of light would hit Harry's red beam and they would crackle against each other, is that a normal wizard thing? Like you can block an Avada Kedavra with an Expelliamus as long as you time it right? Or was that a trick of Harry's wand being connected to Voldemorts?

If you can't normally block magic, I don't understand why Voldemort ever bother using any other spell. Like just keep shooting the Avada Kedavras. Why mess around with giant snakes made of fire when the spell that will kill your enemy instantly unless they hide behind a stone wall is at your disposal?

Same with the good guys. Other wizards as useless without their wand to just go for the disarming spell. Why bother with anything else in a battle?

End of Shoelace posted:

i like that rowling is humble enough in her writing to say that a prepared muggle with a gun would kill a wizard any time of day. its easy to make magic omnipotent in your own fantasy.

Crimpolioni posted:

She never said this, but it's kinda interesting how it's survived as a 'fact' for years and years because people enjoy the idea that she must have done , and keep repeating it

Cardiovorax posted:

Yeah, that's one of the things that I can't really consider a legitimate criticism of the series. Dresden the character is, like, really sexist. Not misogynist, but sexist in that chauvinistic "women are precious, fragile dolls who must be protected at all costs" kind of way.

Crimpolioni posted:

She never said this, but it's kinda interesting how it's survived as a 'fact' for years and years because people enjoy the idea that she must have done , and keep repeating it

Xander77 posted:

Yeah, no. The author may think that's what he's writing, and if you somehow pay absolutely no attention you may concur, but Dresden REALLY loving hates women.

Cardiovorax posted:

Guess I'll have to second Tunicate on that, then: the series has enough real problems without inventing things to complain about.

quote:

They stopped kissing and looked at the bed – only to see a rather bemused Sirius Black sitting at the end of it, a hint of a smirk on his face.

"Oh, sorry," Tonks panted, a hint of a grin returning to her face. "Sirius, this is Clarissa Desdame, the lawyer who saved your doggy rear end tonight."

"And you're going to return the favour by letting her do you – doggy style," Sirius replied wryly, complete with an inappropriate hand gesture that left nothing to Harry's imagination.

"Sirius!"

"You know, I thought doggy style was somewhat of my thing –"

"Oh good god –"

"Does this mean you're a lesbian now, or bisexual?" Sirius asked frankly. "Because, since we're all in the mood, if you're open to a threesome –"