|
|
officer: Sir, it says here on your sleep log that you went to bed at ah, 11 pm last night? me: That's correct. officer: Can you explain how you attained 104 steps while you were in bed, starting at approximately 11:03 last night? me: I need to speak to my lawyer... officer: I noticed you wear your fitbit on your right wrist...most people wear it on their off-hand, but you, you're actually a rightie, aren't you? me: Lawyer! |
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 05:55
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 14, 2024 18:24 |
|
|
|
officer: Do you know why I stopped you? me: No sir. officer: The serving size on this package of Sweet Chili rice cakes is 18 pieces, and there are 2.5 servings per bag. There are only 6 pieces left. You logged one serving. Can you tell me what happened to the rest of the bag? me: I don't know... officer: You can tell me. Make it easy on yourself. We'll find out anyway. We always find out. me: Fine! I...I ate them. They were delicious, and they're rice cakes, man. Rice cakes! I can't believe you're pinching me for health food. officer: Thirty-nine pieces *whistles*...why, that puts you more than 100 calories over the limit. That's a felony in some states! |
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 05:57
|
|
|
Cop 1: *appreciative whistle* Man oh man, that's a piece of work. Cop 2: *sweating visibly*Wha...what are we lookin' at here? Cop 3: *takes a drag of a cigarette* Some step-fiend wasn't getting enough so he came to this here park and did a little..."creative exercising." Cop 1: Strapped that fitbit to a pug and let it run wild, can't believe these sickos. Cop 2: *backing away*That's...I...I think I'm gonna be *HURRRRLCK* Cop 1&3: drat rookies.... |
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 05:58
|
|
|
|
*psst* uh, pardon me? say, friend, you look like you're, uh, in need of something [offended] excuse me, what the hell are you talking about? are you some kind of crack dealer? chill, chill, it's okay friend. nobody's judging you here. I got something else you might like. [scoffing] oh and what might that be, alley person? [whispering] spldxlmogldna excuse me? [whispering slightly louder] step. I got step. 20k, 50k, 100k, whatever you need. [loudly] who the hell do you take me for??? [softly] how much for 100k?
|
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 06:05
|
|
|
|
detective: Something's not adding up here. You claim to keep under your calorie goal, but your weight trend has been rising. me: I drink a lot of water. I must be retaining. detective: I see that you've logged a lot of water, it's true. me: See? I'm free to go, right? detective: So much water, in fact, that it would kill a man. But here you are, standing in front of me. How could that be? me: I got a big bladder. It runs in the family!
|
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 06:06
|
|
|
|
RudeCat posted:Cop 1: *appreciative whistle* Man oh man, that's a piece of work. Manifisto posted:*psst* lol
|
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 06:08
|
|
|
The camera pans over the calm, early morning streets of the city. Vapor from the manholes curls lazily across the curbs. The camera drifts, slowly, down to rest by a discarded cup. Suddenly, the peace is broken by the staccato beat of shoes on the concrete. One, then two, three, followed closely by four pairs of expensive (and well worn) running shoes blast by! They maintain a steady pace and begin to fade into the distance. Seconds later, two more sets of footbeats approach. These are flagging, slowing as they approach our viewpoint, until two pairs of well maintained black boots fill the screen. The cuffs of police uniform pants can just be seen, almost out of camera. Cop 1: *panting heavily* Ahh hell, Jonesy, we almost...almost had 'em that time. Cop 2: *sounds of drinking before replying* I swear these Fitters get faster every day... Cop 1: I swear, it's almost like they, like they want us to chase 'em. |
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 06:19
|
|
|
|
*a whistle blows* cop: you there! yes you! stop, in the name of the law! me: I uh . . . what seems to be the problem officer? cop [ignoring me]: I said STOP, or I'll shoot! me: you're scaring me, I've stopped, what do you . . . *cop grabs my arm roughly* cop: if you don't stop right this minute, so help me . . . okay then. right. digits up, no funny business. me: the hell? cop [cuffing my fitbit]: sir I hate to have to tell you this, but you don't want to know what this scumbag was doing when you were in the public shower |
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 06:38
|
|
|
|
Fitbit Police and Pokémon GO Patrol Announce Joint Task Force Commander Trotts announced the formation of a task force dedicated to identifying and apprehending individuals who pose a threat to the sanctity of steps and kilometers in the city. The formation of the task force establishes a clear chain of command to maintain operational unity between FitBit and Pokémon GO efforts and increase efficiency. For example, the Commander now has the authority to oversee both the FitBit Police and the Pokémon GO Patrol to seek out suspected illegal active minutes. “Our Pokémon GO partners have been quick to respond to our requests for assistance in the face of accelerometer abusers. This joint task force will provide the necessary resources to any neighborhood that needs assistance. Together, we are committed to supporting the residents of our city, and their sidewalks and side streets, in this time of need," said Commander Trotts.
|
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 06:41
|
|
|
Intercom: Next subject, Kowalski, Leon, engineer, waste disposal, file section, new employees, six days. [knock on door] Holden: Come in. Sit down. Leon: Care if I talk? I'm kind of nervous when I take tests. Holden: Uh, just please don't move. Leon: Oh, sorry. I already had a Fitbit test this year, I don't think I've ever had one of these- Holden: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can. Leon: Sure. Holden: One-one-eight-seven at Unterwasser. Leon: That's the hotel. Holden: What? Leon: Where I live. Holden: Nice place? Leon: Yeah, sure I guess-- that part of the test? Holden: No, just warming you up, that's all. Leon: Oh. It's not fancy or anything. Holden: You're in a desert, walking along in the sand when all of the sudden- Leon: Is this the test now? Holden: Yes. You're in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down- Leon: What one? Holden: What? Leon: What desert? Holden: It doesn't make any difference what desert, it's completely hypothetical. Leon: But how come I'd be there? Holden: Maybe you're fed up, maybe you want to be by yourself, who knows? You look down and you see a tortoise, Leon, it's crawling towards you- Leon: Tortoise, what's that? Holden: Know what a turtle is? Leon: Of course. Holden: Same thing. Leon: I've never seen a turtle -- But I understand what you mean. Holden: You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back Leon. Leon: Do you make up these questions, Mr. Holden, or do they write them down for you? Holden: The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't, now you can win the race easily, but you're not moving, Leon. Leon: What do you mean I'm not moving? Holden: I mean, you're not moving. Why is that Leon? -- They're just questions, Leon. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. -- Shall we continue? Describe in single words, only the good things that come in to your mind about... your treadmill. Leon: My treadmill? Holden: Yeah. Leon: Let me tell you about my treadmill... [Leon shoots Holden] |
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 06:47
|
|
|
|
Jerry: George, I just don't know how I'm going to get all these steps by tonight. George: It's simple, Jerry. You put the FitBit on the Elaine. Jerry: You put the FitBit on Elaine? George: Yeah, you put the FitBit on Elaine, and let her dance. It's foolproof, Jerry, foolproof! Jerry: Isn't that against the law?
|
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 07:07
|
|
|
|
Police: SIR PUT IT DOWN Me: (panicking) What? Police: PUT THAT HEART RATE DOWN RIGHT NOW OR WE'LL BE FORCED TO SHOOT Me: (heart rate rising rapidly) uhhhh Police: OK BUDDY YOU ASKED FOR IT!
|
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 10:10
|
|
|
Good morning sir. Good morning officer. Could you please come with us for a bit. Am I being detained? No but there are several families in the area has called in being concerned for their safety, and we have to respond to that. I am just exercising my constitutional right to take a walk without my fitbit and if I'm not under arrest I think I'm gonna keep walking. Have a good day officer. *uploads video to youtube* |
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 13:58
|
|
|
Fredrik1 posted:Good morning sir. ALMOST SHOT??? (NOT CLICKBAIT) |
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 14:07
|
|
|
walks into a police station without a fitbit |
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 14:11
|
|
|
|
Officer do you realize how many times I go from my bedroom to the restroom and back again? Do you realize how many steps that takes, not to mention the lost sleep? Oh you will, you will.
|
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 15:32
|
|
|
|
officer (reads the body weight I manually entered into the fitbit app then squints at my rear end): Ma'am we're going to need you to step on the scale.
|
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 19:35
|
|
|
|
FluffieDuckie posted:officer (reads the body weight I manually entered into the fitbit app then squints at my rear end): Ma'am we're going to need you to step on the scale. |
|
#
?
Sep 19, 2018 20:52
|
|
|
Cop A: "We've got reports of a big-time exercise-exaggerator in the area. And judging by his posts on social media, it looks like he's on the move. Check it out:" Cop B: "drat. And our squad cars top out at 170 mi/hr. Looks like he wins this round."
|
|
#
?
Sep 26, 2018 04:37
|
|
|
|
blaise rascal posted:Cop A: "We've got reports of a big-time exercise-exaggerator in the area. And judging by his posts on social media, it looks like he's on the move. Check it out:" lmbo
|
|
#
?
Sep 26, 2018 04:44
|
|
|
PETA shock literature shows factory farms with caged chickens, pigs being slaughtered, and cell phones taped to ceiling fans to hatch Pokemon eggs |
|
#
?
Sep 26, 2018 18:11
|
|
|
|
blaise rascal posted:Cop A: "We've got reports of a big-time exercise-exaggerator in the area. And judging by his posts on social media, it looks like he's on the move. Check it out:"
|
|
#
?
Sep 26, 2018 18:42
|
|
|
|
FluffieDuckie posted:officer (reads the body weight I manually entered into the fitbit app then squints at my rear end): Ma'am we're going to need you to step on the scale. blaise rascal posted:Cop A: "We've got reports of a big-time exercise-exaggerator in the area. And judging by his posts on social media, it looks like he's on the move. Check it out:" |
|
#
?
Sep 27, 2018 23:38
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 14, 2024 18:24 |
|
|
Officer Benji: *kicks in the door* POLICE, EVERYBODY DOWN ON THE GROUND WITH YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD Officer Crapo: DEAR GOD Officer Benji: keep your cool, Crapo Officer Crapo: IT'S...IT'S... OH MY GOD, WHY? Officer Benji: yeup. another fuckin' case of sick bastards putting their waterproof Fitbit Ionic Superwatch Fitness Tracker™ on the drat bass in the Bass Pro Shop tanks. *speaks into radio* we're gonna need a SWAT team. and some diving SEALs. NO, you dummy, not ACTUAL SEALS. the diving kind. NOT THE KIND THAT EAT FISH. *garbled radio noise* Officer Benji: *talks into radio* JESUS, I KNOW MARLOW IS A PESCETARIAN. JUST GET THEM DOWN HERE.
|
|
#
?
Oct 3, 2018 08:52
|
|
