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Did I post this yet? Sorry if I did: My five-year-old son walks in, wearing my glasses, and declares "Hey, look at me! I'm a big, dumb guy!"
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Oct 28, 2018 04:12
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Working at the bottlo a woman came in with her kid who was prob about 3 years old. She bought a bottle of wine and went to leave and her kid piped up and said “hang on, we need to get some chips”. Just perfectly and casually delivered. It didn’t work though
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Oct 28, 2018 08:22
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Drunk Nerds posted:Did I post this yet? Sorry if I did:
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Oct 28, 2018 09:49
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Schneider Inside Her posted:Working at the bottlo a woman came in with her kid who was prob about 3 years old. She bought a bottle of wine and went to leave and her kid piped up and said “hang on, we need to get some chips”. Just perfectly and casually delivered. It didn’t work though I hope that kid keeps trying. The older the parent gets the more likely that is to work.
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Oct 28, 2018 10:30
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Son (4): Hey dad, let's play that game! Me: What game? Son: That game on the TV! You can be Batman and I can be...uh...Robert.
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Oct 28, 2018 16:04
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My Lovely Horse posted:Being miserable builds character! OK, the voice was a little funny, but that's still one sarcastic kid he's raising.
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Oct 29, 2018 22:38
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Beachcomber posted:OK, the voice was a little funny, but that's still one sarcastic kid he's raising. I just you to know that this made me happy. My student wrote "FAT" on a picture of a middle-aged couple, then laughed like a loon. ME: "Hmmm, I think you meant 'father?'" *writes -her after "fat"* J: *hysterical laughter* "Nooooooo!" *Writes "So".* "SO FAT! SO FAT!" ME: *crosses everything out until it says "sofa"* "How about this?" J: "Okay, okay! He fat like SOFA!!!" H has Asperger's and I was really worried about him doing all right in the class. He's a bit older than the other kids and sensitive to that fact. His mother describes his Asperger's as his "pequeña problemita" and I like her, but I don't like that. He is entirely like every other kid in class except that he behaves himself and occasionally needs to breakdance. Anyways. Today, H was lying on the floor with his sweatshirt over his face, moving his hands in big circles and making some kind of goat noise. When I asked him what he was doing, he very casually said, "I'm using my imagination!"  Another kid, J, always needs attention (I have to teach holding his hand most of the time) so he of course started copying H. H just stopped, lifted the shirt off his face, and looked at J. "Get your own brain," he said, then went to sit down. 
Fleta Mcgurn has a new favorite as of 20:18 on Nov 5, 2018 |
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Nov 5, 2018 20:13
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:H just stopped, lifted the shirt off his face, and looked at J. "Get your own brain," he said, then went to sit down. Goddamn, the last time someone got owned like that, the Americans fought a civil war over it.
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Nov 6, 2018 00:23
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:He is entirely like every other kid in class except that he behaves himself and occasionally needs to breakdance.
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Nov 6, 2018 10:24
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One of mine discovered today, much to her delight, that if you yell SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET SHEET then your English teacher can't really tell at you, but all of the native Castellano speakers will laugh unto the point of death :facepalm: That said, good job, M! I'm seriously not even mad. This is what I get for telling them I knew all the bad words in Spanish and Catalán.
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Nov 7, 2018 20:14
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Reminds me of the great hilarity back when I was in elementary school, that the phrase "I buy pink sheets" kinda sorta sounds like "ouch poop piss poo poo" in Swedish. The height of comedy in those days, truly.
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Nov 7, 2018 20:49
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Covski posted:Reminds me of the great hilarity back when I was in elementary school, that the phrase "I buy pink sheets" kinda sorta sounds like "ouch poop piss poo poo" in Swedish. The height of comedy in those days, truly. I live in a pirate ship!
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Nov 7, 2018 21:01
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My 9 year old niece just crushed me in the nicest way possible: "Aunt Fizz, you're weird. Good weird, I like it, but you're weird. Like purple milk."
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Nov 7, 2018 21:28
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fizzymercy posted:My 9 year old niece just crushed me in the nicest way possible:
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Nov 7, 2018 21:35
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more art from my daughter who'll be turning 7 next week. I got her to explain the picture to me. On the right, you can see the sheep getting an x-ray, with the person next to it holding scissors trying to decide what cut of meat she wants. The bag in the middle the dude is rooting through is apparently wool that happens to be edible, and the cook right next to it is making wool burgers. The unfortunate person on the far left is a tailor who wanted to make clothes from the wool but the other people wanted to eat it instead so the appropriate course of action was to kick him in the junk 
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Nov 13, 2018 18:47
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I love it. Best story I've heard in weeks.
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Nov 13, 2018 18:55
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drat good control of the medium right there, im impressed
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Nov 13, 2018 19:36
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The reaction to that groin-kick is excellent. The pain radiates right off the page.
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Nov 14, 2018 14:51
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U-DO Burger posted:more art from my daughter who'll be turning 7 next week. I got her to explain the picture to me. This is awesome and that's a darn good animal skeleton drawing.
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Nov 14, 2018 15:48
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I wonder what, if anything, the bit of that drawing that first sticks out to any given individual says about that person. It feels like it could be meaningful.
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Nov 15, 2018 06:42
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My older 3 year old toddler tries his best to make me a better person. "Boys! We are late! Come on already!" "Don't yell, daddy" Nothing like being schooled by someone who can barely speak.
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Nov 15, 2018 07:35
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My friend's daughter B. started pre-school this year, and I guess now the teachers have signs that the kids hold up so the parent can take a picture for social media. Cut to B's first day of school Instagram picture. She's looking pleased as punch and holding a sign that says: "My name is B. When I grow up I want to be: pee-pee doctor"
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Nov 15, 2018 08:51
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C: This slime is my brother. M: it's my boyfriend! C: NO!!!! He's too little! M: I MARRY HIM! C: NOOOOO!!! *after a few rounds of this...* C: He was bigger, but I give him to my mom. ME: That was nice of you. C: ...okay. I give him to the bin. Because I throw him, and he fall down. M: This is why we need marry! Azulito, I safe you! *she kisses the slime*
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Nov 17, 2018 14:25
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My 5 year old did the gesture where you point two fingers at your eyes then point them at someone else. The one that means "I'm watching you". We've never done this gesture before so I guess he learned it at school. I asked him if he knew what that meant. "It means I want to trade eyeballs with you!"
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Nov 17, 2018 14:50
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https://twitter.com/KidsWriteJokes/status/1065167700480135170 "However,You'll give me my money" looking good to be the next "P.S. I'll find my frog"
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Nov 21, 2018 12:28
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Last weekend, my daughter (6) told me she knows all of her sight words. "Lovely baby!" I proudly told her and she told me she could spell all of them and I could ask any and she would spell it for me. "Oh honey," I say, "you're mommy does homework with you so I don't know your sight words!" She replies, "Daddy, it is any small word like and, or the, or for. Any word that is easy to spell. Not hard words like onomatopoeia."
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Nov 22, 2018 04:25
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 Her page/blog is hilarious and her kids are insane, some of the comments can be just as good.
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Nov 22, 2018 10:16
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WHY DO THEY HAVE TO FART ON EACH OTHER GOD DAMMIT JUST FART SOMEWHERE ELSE NOT IN HER FACE NOT IN HIS BACKPACK
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Nov 23, 2018 16:41
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Young love.
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Nov 25, 2018 09:00
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I teach first grade. My top student is a really chill kid who is extremely responsible as well as easygoing. Just an extremely pleasant child to work with. I'm making rounds while the kids are writing. I'm having a conversation with the kid next to him about whether he ever plays tricks on his dad. Good Kid, interjecting: Oh my god! I have this plastic sword and every day when my dad comes home from work I poke him in the butt with the sword! Like really really hard, I poke him in the butt! Like in the buttcrack! I wait behind the door and wait until he comes in and then poke him in the buttcrack with the sword as hard as I can!
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Nov 29, 2018 01:16
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sweeperbravo posted:I teach first grade. He's making sure dad hasn't been replaced by a pod person. 
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Nov 29, 2018 09:48
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(Me, watching a cartoon with my 3-year-old cousin. Villain appears, a Jafar-like wizard.) Me: Oh this guy's bad! Her: No he's not bad, he's good! Me, not wanting to engage on questions of good and evil with her: Hmm ok. (Wizard summons huge evil demon.) Me: Now THIS guy is bad! Her: No he's good! He didn't eat anyone! Me: Ok but he's trying to provoke a war between these two peaceful peoples... that's bad! Her, after a thoughtful pause: Ok he's bad. But also good!
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Dec 1, 2018 04:37
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My nephew wrote another fairy tale. Why you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas. Every year Father Christmas reads all the what I want for Christmas letters. And then he call for all the little helpers to get all the things the children want. The helper who has been the best helper all year gets to choose a child letter first. And he chooses some letter who wants something boring like socks. Then the second bestest helper gets to choose one. And he chooses things like pencils for drawing stuff. And the next bestest helper chooses the children who like books. But when you want a good gift like a new Nintendo you have to wait for the helper who hasn't been good all year because all the good helpers are busy making socks. And the not good helpers are lazy so he doesn't get ready on time and that is why you shouldn't ask Father Christmas for the best gifts but ask you nice aunt instead. (Sorry, buddy, I'm not getting you a Switch for Christmas. But I get the message, no socks)
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Dec 1, 2018 13:29
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i smoke cigarettes because i dont care about my life but my nephews are startin to say "you will die" "this will kill you" and i dont want to be an rear end in a top hat so much i thnk i must play the chess until nevermore
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Dec 1, 2018 13:43
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BattyKiara posted:(Sorry, buddy, I'm not getting you a Switch for Christmas. But I get the message, no socks) Nintendo socks IMO.
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Dec 1, 2018 15:51
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Krankenstyle posted:i smoke cigarettes because i dont care about my life but my nephews are startin to say "you will die" "this will kill you" and i dont want to be an rear end in a top hat so much Capopio posted:(Me, watching a cartoon with my 3-year-old cousin. Villain appears, a Jafar-like wizard.)
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Dec 1, 2018 17:35
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I was just doing math with a 1st grader. I let her pick the names and objects for our practice word problems. Me: So, Kelly has 167... what? Her: Seashells. Me: We did seashells last time. Let’s do small furry dogs. Her: No! Me: It’s more fun to think about 167 small furry dogs. Her: I like seashells better. Me: Really? Would you rather [her dog’s name] be a seashell? Her: He couldn’t be. Seashells don’t have names. Me: Anything can have a name if you give it one. Her: No it can’t! Me: *I point at my glass of water* This is named Frank now. Her: Eww! Me: You don't think it's a good name? Her: It doesn't look like a Frank...
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Dec 4, 2018 15:21
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Little guy: "I wanna be a teacher!" Me: That's great, buddy! A teacher is a great thing to be! Mommy's a teacher! Little guy: (accusatory tone) "Who told you that?!?"
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Dec 6, 2018 23:41
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I'm gonna stick these in here because cool old people are sort of like kids, adorable and they don't give a drat quote:My grandma told me she had a tattoo of a mouse on her hip, and when she showed me, there was nothing there. She said "my pussy must've eaten it!" and I laughed for like 3 years. quote:my dad LOVES telling this long rear end convoluted joke about like, a bird called the fu bird, and if it poops on your head it's good luck or something? and the punch line is "if the fu shits, wear it" and then he always explains "you know how they say 'if the shoe fits, wear it'? it's like that, but it's a spoonerism. fu shits, shoe fits. get it? it's a spoonerism. i love that joke"
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Dec 7, 2018 00:02
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My sister's child is now 22 months old and last night she wanted to do something unwise, like use the blender or something. My sister told her, "No, you're too little. Mummy will do it." The kiddo said crossly, "Baby ALWAYS too little." Here she is today. I think she's telling Santa about what happened. 
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Dec 7, 2018 00:11
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