Donald TRUMP popped out doing the Chicken Dance

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > C-SPAM > Donald TRUMP popped out doing the Chicken Dance

Duscat: Jan 4, 2009; Fun Shoe

sullat posted:

So, let's see. I guess we can start with the end of the Punic Wars. Rome is master of the western Mediterranean, and has conquered Greece. Well-connected Romans set up vast slave-run estates in the provinces. Back in Italy, though, small-time tenant farmers find themselves unable to compete and are being squeezed out by large landowners. Although you can't enslave a Roman citizen, you can evict them, and take their land. Thousands flee to the city.

The Gracchi brothers are elected as tribunes and try to propose laws to stop this from happening. Naturally, the landlord's faction, 'The optimates' have them assassinated. Evictions of small-time farmers continue.

These farmers make up the bulk of the army. Soldiering is expensive (they have to provide their own gear), and suddenly nobody can afford to be in the army. Marius decides that he'll let any citizen join the army, and the state (or the general) will pay for their weapons. Now there's an army loyal only to the generals. He goes off, wins a bunch of battles, and tries to pass laws letting the veterans have land. The Optimates assassinate a bunch of his friends and supporters, so he fucks off to his vast estates elsewhere..

Mithritades declares war on the Romans, kills a bunch of Roman colonists, and gets his rear end handed to him by Sulla. Sulla goes back to Rome, becomes consul, and finally, a compromise is reached. Instead of taking land from the Roman landlords, they'll take land from the Italian Allies and give it to the veterans. Problem solved...

At this point, Italy is a patchwork of Roman colonies, and Roman allies. The allies are nominally independent, but agreed to be subordinate to Rome insofar as declaring war & stuff. They send auxiliaries and tribute to Rome. Once Rome starts seizing land from their citizens, however, they rise up and demand... full Roman citizenship! The Social War drags on for a few years before Sulla agrees to their demands. Now everybody in Italy is a Roman citizen. Sulla takes his army out into the provinces to hunt pirates.

Marius comes back and he's pissed. At Sulla for taking all the credit for defeating Mithritades, at the Optimates for assassinating his friends, and at the gods because he's old and senile. He kills a bunch of Sulla's supporters, before finally dying of old age. Sulla comes back and murders all of Marius's family & friends, plus all his supporters in the Senate, his clients, his loyal patrons, etc. Well, all of them except Marius's lazy nephew Julius Caesar, but he's useless, he'll never amount to anything. This process is known as 'proscription' where enemies of the consul are put on a list, and are allowed to be killed on sight, with the killer taking half their stuff (the rest goes to the state). The guy who gets super-rich off this is Sulla, of course, but also his lieutenant Crassius. Sulla retires to his luxurious estate with his boyfriends and gluttons himself to death.

SPARTACUS! He loses. Crassius and Pompey take over after putting down the slave revolt. Somehow, this kid Julius Caesar convinces them to share power with him. Hijinks ensue. Cicero has Marc Anthony's father killed for treason. Caeser becomes Pontifex Maximus, and then governor of southern gaul. Pompey subjucates Judea and interferes in Egyptian politics. Crassius invades Iran, doesn't return. Julius invades northern Gaul, and returns. Watch ROME for more details, it's pretty good.

*plays airhorn into drivethrough mike*

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:38

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# ? May 29, 2024 19:48

DoombatINC: Apr 20, 2003; Here's the thing, I'm a feminist.

garbage pundit posted:

I'm the small collection of fishing weights in an empty single-serve milk bottle

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:38

Mariana Horchata: Jun 30, 2008; College Slice

That DICK! posted:

kamala harris is the hosed up freak you'd get if you shoved obama and hillary into the The Fly teleporter

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:38

FactsAreUseless: Feb 16, 2011

Mumpy Puffinz posted:

Does Putin really care anymore? He is the richest person in the world. He won. If he dies in nuclear hellfire he gets to say he did it, he hosed up democracy

He has a lot to lose, actually. He cares about himself.

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:38

Plinkey: Aug 4, 2004; by Fluffdaddy

Solarin posted:

it's like looking 20 years into the future of the us

new sopranos lookin good

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:38

Good Soldier Svejk: Jul 5, 2010

Yinlock posted:

miller is somehow getting even balder every time i see him

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:40

Spergin Morlock: Aug 8, 2009

Yinlock posted:

miller is somehow getting even balder every time i see him

he'll looks like one of the martians from mars attacks within 5 years

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:40

docbeard: Jul 19, 2011

Solarin posted:

it's like looking 20 years into the future of the us

Or, you know, a month.

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:40

Waffle House: Oct 27, 2004; You follow the path
fitting into an infinite pattern.

Yours to manipulate, to destroy and rebuild.

Now, in the quantum moment
before the closure
when all become one.

One moment left.
One point of space and time.

I know who you are.

You are Destiny.

ex post facho posted:

https://mobile.twitter.com/Newsweek/status/1088258844269178880

Holy loving poo poo is that real lmao

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:40

bebop esq: Apr 17, 2006; hi boys

Spergin Morlock posted:

he'll looks like one of the martians from mars attacks within 5 years

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:40

Dammerung: Oct 17, 2008; "Dang, that's hot."

Serf posted:

100% imo

Heck, that would work for me.

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:41

Baloogan: Dec 5, 2004; Fun Shoe

ex post facho posted:

https://mobile.twitter.com/Newsweek/status/1088258844269178880

hahahahahah

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:41

SardonicTyrant: Feb 26, 2016; BTICH IM A NEWT
熱くなれ夢みた明日を
必ずいつかつかまえる
走り出せ振り向くことなく
&

ex post facho posted:

https://mobile.twitter.com/Newsweek/status/1088258844269178880

He's fine with the women he has.

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:41

Baloogan: Dec 5, 2004; Fun Shoe

so many great characteres

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:41

dont be mean to me: May 2, 2007; I'm interplanetary, bitch
Let's go to Mars

ex post facho posted:

https://mobile.twitter.com/Newsweek/status/1088258844269178880

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:42

Spergin Morlock: Aug 8, 2009

Good Soldier Svejk posted:

nice

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:42

docbeard: Jul 19, 2011

Good Soldier Svejk posted:

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:42

Jazerus: May 24, 2011

Chris James 2 posted:

Was the fall of Rome this dramatically funny and unstable to witness

which one, rome fell like five times depending on your definition of rome

honestly imo america's current state is more like the crisis of the third century, where rome temporarily balkanized and was then reunified, but was never really the same afterward because it had collapsed into a proto-feudalism based around the estates of the wealthy after the government and economy got super hosed up and illegitimized

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:42

DryGoods: Apr 26, 2014; Dogs, on the other hand, can connect with that pathos.

FactsAreUseless posted:

I have no faith in Russia to actually do things rather than just talk about them, so I doubt it. Russia's government, its economy, and its military are basically held together with tape. Projecting the appearance of a functioning nation is something Putin is good at. What he's not good at - what dictators are never good at - is running a country.

fool, while the western fleets focus on their cutting edge technology and rail guns, the fierce russian carrier naturally produces a massive smoke cloud. while the weak willed americans are blinded and choking, the russian force can ram their ships for a boarding action!

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:42

sapphomoric: Dec 26, 2016

for each millimeter of hairline Miller loses he gains one of skin on his eyelids

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:42

Duscat: Jan 4, 2009; Fun Shoe

ex post facho posted:

https://mobile.twitter.com/Newsweek/status/1088258844269178880

lmoerbs real life and internet are converging, get ready for the burn singularity

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:42

Mumpy Puffinz: Aug 11, 2008; Nap Ghost

FactsAreUseless posted:

He has a lot to lose, actually. He cares about himself.

That is probably the only reason he hasn't started a nuclear war

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:42

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

Paul "I made my poor wife gently caress nine guys at a time and daughters know and loath me for this" Manafort

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:43

Yinlock: Oct 22, 2008

Good Soldier Svejk posted:

how long does it take to carry a forehead pregnancy to term

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:43

Jazerus: May 24, 2011

Duscat posted:

lmoerbs real life and internet are converging, get ready for the burn singularity

can't wait until folks in washington are screaming at each other to turn their monitors on

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:43

Fuck You And Diebold: Sep 15, 2004; by Athanatos

https://i.imgur.com/EPaOJpN.gifv

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:43

brugroffil: Nov 30, 2015

Zyla posted:

cool a new mod in stellaris:

Lol

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:44

FactsAreUseless: Feb 16, 2011

Mumpy Puffinz posted:

That is probably the only reason he hasn't started a nuclear war

Putin is a piece of poo poo but a sane one. Sociopathic, but sane.

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:44

Duscat: Jan 4, 2009; Fun Shoe

Yinlock posted:

how long does it take to carry a forehead pregnancy to term

The Head is starting to look like a documentary

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:44

Dick Milhous Rock!: Aug 9, 1974

Xaris posted:

nah miller likes em dead in the morgue

dont kinkshame gop

where do you think all those missing immigrant children are :thunk:

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:44

DryGoods: Apr 26, 2014; Dogs, on the other hand, can connect with that pathos.

the russian carrier deck is not curved upwards because they lack advanced launching systems. no, it is designed to launch fierce plains cavalry straight into a rammed ship for the perfect element of surprise

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:45

smarxist: Jul 26, 2018; by Fluffdaddy

gently caress You And Diebold posted:

https://i.imgur.com/EPaOJpN.gifv

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:45

Mumpy Puffinz: Aug 11, 2008; Nap Ghost

FactsAreUseless posted:

Putin is a piece of poo poo but a sane one. Sociopathic, but sane.

he has to be mad that Bezos stole more money than him

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:45

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

Nichael posted:

don't worry, he paid his debt to society. all seven days of it.

I dont think he did anything too bad. Hes just incredibly sleazy and stupid.

like everyone around Trump

Nixons goons were way more scary

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:45

haljordan: Oct 22, 2004; the corpse of god is love.

Putin stole Bob Kraft's Superbowl ring so he gets a pass from me

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:45

mad.radhu: Jan 8, 2006; Fun Shoe

I don't think there's really a reason to start a nuclear war? like I doubt he wants to nuke everything just for kicks, he just wants to have as much money and power as possible

# ? Jan 24, 2019 03:45