Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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Kawasaki Nun: Jul 16, 2001; by Reene

You started a bunch of fluid fires indoors for fun? Jesus you are a loving retard

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jan 30, 2019 19:53

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# ? May 31, 2024 11:48

Syrian Lannister: Aug 25, 2007; Oh, did I kill him too?
I've been a very busy little man.; Sugartime Jones

Dumbest thing I�ve done with fire was hit tennis balls soaked in lighter fluid, charcoal starter or gas with a hockey stick.

Don�t worry it was winter

# ? Jan 30, 2019 19:56

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

My tech school roommate kept buying lighters from the shopette and would burn plastic bags with them in the room. I kept throwing his lighters away, and he kept buying them. It never occurred to him to put them in his locker.

# ? Jan 30, 2019 20:00

Time Crisis Actor: Apr 28, 2002; by Hand Knit

Fhistleb posted:

My buddy just thought it would be hilarious to get a Roomba... He also found out the PX had lighter fluid on sale for something ridiculous and bought them out. Well, you can guess what happens when to Lance Coolies get ahold of flammables and a Roomba. We started by making our names and lighting it up, that was pretty fun. We then used a whole bottle in the shower (Because water is there ) As we set the pool of fluid aflame and the fires rose we found out we couldn't reach the shower controls because the heat was preventing us, So we then decided the next best option would be to turn the sinks on and cup the water (which worked eventually) but the damage was done, the plastics in the shower were luckily just a little melted but the tiling was black (we were never able to get rid of the markings)

Did we learn our lesson? No.

We went back into the room and set more lighter fluid up but this time, we set good ol' killbot up to destroy the flame!... It just made things worse by spreading the fluid and melting some of the innards of the Roomba. I had to get replacement parts for PFC Roomba Killbot.

From all this though, there was a poo poo ton of smoke and I probably killed some of my lungs breathing that poo poo in and the stupid rear end fire alarms we have in the bricks never loving went off..

No one ever found out about the escapades of almost burning down the barracks though. Y'all are the first outside the group of IT retards to hear about it.

I wish so much I still had the video.

IN KEEPING WITH THE FINEST TRADITIONS OF THE MARINE CORPS AND UNITED STATES NAVAL SERVICE

# ? Jan 30, 2019 20:13

Blade_of_tyshalle: Jul 12, 2009; If you think that, along the way, you're not going to fail... you're blind.

There's no one I've ever met, no matter how successful they are, who hasn't said they had their failures along the way.

In my old barracks, buddy wrapped the batteries to his electric skateboard in wool socks when he put them on the charger, figuring they would charge faster if warmer.

The room was still condemned from fire damage a year later when I came back from course and they tried to bunk me in that room.

# ? Jan 30, 2019 21:50

Proud Christian Mom: Dec 20, 2006; READING COMPREHENSION IS HARD

Blade_of_tyshalle posted:

In my old barracks, buddy wrapped the batteries to his electric skateboard in wool socks when he put them on the charger, figuring they would charge faster if warmer.

The room was still condemned from fire damage a year later when I came back from course and they tried to bunk me in that room.

what

# ? Jan 30, 2019 21:52

wolrah: May 8, 2006; what?

Proud Christian Mom posted:

what

A lot of cheap electric scooters, hoverboards, etc. use lovely cheap lithium batteries that are prone to catching fire violently, especially if overheated.

Genius decided to insulate them and wrap them in flammable material.

# ? Jan 30, 2019 23:38

Thump!: Nov 25, 2007; Look, fat, here's the fact, Kulak!

poo poo like this is why y�all can�t have hot plates in the barracks

# ? Jan 30, 2019 23:40

A Bad Poster: Sep 25, 2006; Seriously, shut the fuck up.

Thump! posted:

poo poo like this is why y’all can’t have hot plates in the barracks

Or anything with an open flame. Or pets. If they loosened the rules and let Joe have a goldfish, it would be less than 24 hours before someone would try to pull a Steve-O and swallow it, or would try to have sex with it.

# ? Jan 31, 2019 00:29

The Rat: Aug 29, 2004; You will find no one to help you here. Beth DuClare has been dissected and placed in cryonic storage.

There was that one dude from the 82nd that was ETSing and jumped with his goldfish.

# ? Jan 31, 2019 00:31

sharknado slashfic: Jun 24, 2011

A Bad Poster posted:

Or anything with an open flame. Or pets. If they loosened the rules and let Joe have a goldfish, it would be less than 24 hours before someone would try to pull a Steve-O and swallow it, or would try to have sex with it.

I laugh but from what I've read here and elsewhere it would definitely end up in someones rear end.

# ? Jan 31, 2019 00:37

CainFortea: Oct 15, 2004

The Rat posted:

There was that one dude from the 82nd that was ETSing and jumped with his goldfish.

Did the fish live?

# ? Jan 31, 2019 01:00

Nick Soapdish: Apr 27, 2008

CainFortea posted:

Did the fish live?

Permanent profile

# ? Jan 31, 2019 01:01

UP THE BUM NO BABY: Sep 1, 2011; by Hand Knit

CainFortea posted:

Did the fish live?

Yes

# ? Jan 31, 2019 01:09

McNally: Sep 13, 2007; Ask me about Proposition 305

Do you like muskets?

Didn't that dude end up with like an article 15 or something?

Edit: Extra duty and they threatened to take rank from him if he broke any more safety rules, having made his last jump before he ETSed.

https://www.armytimes.com/news/your-army/2015/04/28/more-punishment-for-paratrooper-who-jumped-with-fish/

# ? Jan 31, 2019 01:23

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Did anyone ever try to rape the Roomba? I guess what I'm really asking is were you a marine?

# ? Jan 31, 2019 01:25

quite stretched out: Feb 17, 2011; the chillest

Syrian Lannister posted:

Or sodium

https://youtu.be/FCElzpOwiR0

theres a video of one of the lower alkali metals, i think cesium, that is similar to this but just a little more explosive

e: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbwtND63tfo

# ? Jan 31, 2019 01:35

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Casimir Radon posted:

Did anyone ever try to rape the Roomba? I guess what I'm really asking is were you a marine?

Tape a fleshlight to it and play pin the dick to the cock dock. Hours of fun.

# ? Jan 31, 2019 03:17

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Casimir Radon posted:

Did anyone ever try to rape the Roomba?

New thread title.

# ? Jan 31, 2019 03:51

Thump!: Nov 25, 2007; Look, fat, here's the fact, Kulak!

LingcodKilla posted:

Tape a fleshlight to it and play pin the dick to the cock dock. Hours of fun.

Tape four to it and make it a team event

# ? Jan 31, 2019 06:00

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Thump! posted:

Tape four to it and make it a team event

The balls were touching.

# ? Jan 31, 2019 06:10

Thump!: Nov 25, 2007; Look, fat, here's the fact, Kulak!

Casimir Radon posted:

The balls were touching.

It�s part of the enrichment phase of team building

# ? Jan 31, 2019 06:18

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Picking berries in the Soviet army.

Tevery Best posted:

I mean I was mostly joking, although I am more than willing to believe that the intensity of stupid bullshit was a lot bigger east of the Iron Curtain, what with the mass conscription and all

I do suppose I owe you the rest of the berries story, though.

So it was in the summer of '81. The unit major's birthday was coming up, and somebody had the bright idea to load up a company of conscripts onto a bunch of trucks and go get him something nice. Given that there was a forest nearby, berries sounded like a good idea. The platoons split up and each went to another part of the woods.

So they lined the troopers up and told them that each had to fill up a mess tin with berries. And that was about it.

And every time someone had filled the tin and brought it back to the LT, the LT took the tin, poured the berries out into a milk barrel, and said "Now do that again, but don't forget to fill up the cover too this time." This was, of course, uttered with cackling, assholish glee. So my dad waited until nobody was looking, refilled his tin from the milk barrel, then sneaked away until the end of the "exercise," so that nobody would see him not working.

But there was another guy, we'll call him Malinowski because that's what I remember dad calling him. I might be misremembering. Anyway, Malinowski's father was a Very Self-Important Person, because he owned a private company. Some kind of grocery store, if I recall correctly, but that was more than enough to make him a serious Big Shot back then - I mean, he had food. So Malinowski figured he was not going to be bullied by some dickbag LT who did not even pass his A-levels. He took his tin, hosed off as far away from the LT as he could, crawled into some shrubs, and started just eating berries straight off the bush like an animal. He had berry juice all over him after a couple hours.

Some time passed, evening was creeping up, so the LT ordered a roll call before going home.

They go along the line, and one dude is missing. A quick check confirms: Malinowski is gone.

Desertions happened every now and again back then, so the LT called the platoon brown noser and told him to run up the road and look for the guy. He ran down the road, yelling at the top of his lungs: "Malinowski, Malinowski!" He supposedly had a voice of a yokel and a posture of an idiot, so that was reportedly very funny. But Malinowski heard that, got up, dusted his uniform off, and walked out of the bushes to join the rest of the platoon.

The LT yells at him: "Where the gently caress have you been, Malinowski?!"

"Citizen Lieutenant, I report that I have been picking berries!"

The LT looks and sees he's holding an empty mess tin. "Where the gently caress are your berries, then, Malinowski?!" He can see the dude's face, hands, even uniform are still covered in berry juice.

"Citizen Lieutenant, I report: Gypsies stole 'em, put 'em on a stick and carried 'em away."

___________________

When they came back to the unit, the LT wagged his finger and said: "Well, Malinowski, you'll do extra time for that." And Malinowski got two weeks in jail, and that meant he had to do two extra weeks of duty. Which would be no big deal.

Except that delayed him leaving service until something like December 20th 1981, and martial law was declared on December 13th. Nobody could be discharged from the military during martial law.

The martial law lasted until July 22nd, 1983.

# ? Feb 1, 2019 07:37

A Bad Poster: Sep 25, 2006; Seriously, shut the fuck up.

Lol rekt

# ? Feb 1, 2019 14:33

EBB: Feb 15, 2005

https://i.imgur.com/ErqBt7L.gifv

# ? Feb 1, 2019 20:13

Nick Soapdish: Apr 27, 2008

W E L P, gonna need a bigger recovery vehicle

# ? Feb 1, 2019 20:26

MrUnderbridge: Jun 25, 2011

Should have just hopped in the recovery vehicle near the tipping point and just gunned the fucker.

# ? Feb 1, 2019 22:44

Memento: Aug 25, 2009; Bleak Gremlin

EBB posted:

https://i.imgur.com/ErqBt7L.gifv

gently caress me.

You have to be kidding me.

# ? Feb 1, 2019 22:58

CainFortea: Oct 15, 2004

You can read his mind.

"oohhh SHITTTT"

"well, that's gonna be an NJP"

"Wait, Cpl Smith was the one supposed to be supervising instead of beating his dick over there. I'm gonna ghost outa here"

# ? Feb 1, 2019 23:01

shame on an IGA: Apr 8, 2005

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE-EAhf7QkU

2:20 posted:

HE'S JUST TOUCHED ME WINKIE! IT'S ON THE SIDE, AVE GOT A NAYNE INCHER

# ? Feb 1, 2019 23:26

PurpleXVI: Oct 30, 2011; Spewing insults, pissing off all your neighbors, betraying your allies, backing out of treaties and accords, and generally screwing over the global environment?
ALL PART OF MY BRILLIANT STRATEGY!

EDIT: Posted in the wrong thread.

# ? Feb 2, 2019 00:17

Thump!: Nov 25, 2007; Look, fat, here's the fact, Kulak!

EBB posted:

https://i.imgur.com/ErqBt7L.gifv

And this is why you use an anchor vehicle when doing recovery :cripes:

# ? Feb 2, 2019 01:03

CherryCola: Apr 15, 2002; 'ahtaj alshifa

Hey platoony goons! Long time listener, first time caller. Been working for the military as a civilian for about 8 years now and if I know one thing, I know that opsec is cool and good. I also know that the locals who work for us in theater are constantly in danger from bad actors just for the fact of association.

So I have this friend who is very sweet and joined the Army a couple years ago. This friend is ~*extremely online*~. I continued his extreme onlineness while deployed in a warzone. I'm talkin tons of snapchat and instagram and poo poo from whatever FOB he was at. Showing his face and all his buddies faces. Maybe this is actually kosher, but it seemed like not a great practice to me. I'm sure you guys can clear up whether that's actually fine and good.

Well, homeboy just got back to the states and decided to post, as a PUBLIC Facebook post , picture of him with three Afghan barbers, specifically calling out the work they did for the US military AND their surname.

Now aside from my work, I ALSO volunteered with an organization resettling Afghan SIVs and heard so many horrifying stories of people having their families murdered by the Taliban because of their work with Americans. So I immediately messaged this guy and gave him a heads up that he might be putting these guys in danger by blasting their faces all over the goddamn internet.

His response was that he's "friends with so many sgts and sgt majors" on Facebook and not only would they have said something if there was a problem, but they are ALSO making basically the same kinds of posts. Oh and he also said that a different worker actually did get murdered by the Taliban recently. UHHHHH

So am I insane and this is actually fine, or is an entire Army unit going to get a bunch of Afghans loving killed for internet points?

CherryCola fucked around with this message at 02:42 on Feb 2, 2019

# ? Feb 2, 2019 02:31

Splode: Jun 18, 2013; put some clothes on you little freak

What does your heart tell you?

# ? Feb 2, 2019 02:33

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

They ded

Your friend is an idiot

# ? Feb 2, 2019 02:36

CherryCola: Apr 15, 2002; 'ahtaj alshifa

LingcodKilla posted:

They ded

Your friend is an idiot

I told him to at least make it not public. But he said that "as long as there's not location data it's fine."

Yes, in a country with a vast tribal structure and an organize militant group that literally makes it part of their job to kill people who work with us...

Anyway, I'm bout to report this poo poo to Facebook at least.

edit: also might have a chat with my local security officer? there are obviously some important conversations that aren't happening.

CherryCola fucked around with this message at 02:41 on Feb 2, 2019

# ? Feb 2, 2019 02:39

Syrian Lannister: Aug 25, 2007; Oh, did I kill him too?
I've been a very busy little man.; Sugartime Jones

LingcodKilla posted:

They ded

Your friend is an idiot

# ? Feb 2, 2019 02:40

Proud Christian Mom: Dec 20, 2006; READING COMPREHENSION IS HARD

They're dead and we probably droned them on a tip from a rival barber

# ? Feb 2, 2019 02:40

Stultus Maximus: Dec 21, 2009; USPOL May

CherryCola posted:

Hey platoony goons! Long time listener, first time caller. Been working for the military as a civilian for about 8 years now and if I know one thing, I know that opsec is cool and good. I also know that the locals who work for us in theater are constantly in danger from bad actors just for the fact of association.

So I have this friend who is very sweet and joined the Army a couple years ago. This friend is ~*extremely online*~. I continued his extreme onlineness while deployed in a warzone. I'm talkin tons of snapchat and instagram and poo poo from whatever FOB he was at. Showing his face and all his buddies faces. Maybe this is actually kosher, but it seemed like not a great practice to me. I'm sure you guys can clear up whether that's actually fine and good.

Well, homeboy just got back to the states and decided to post as a PUBLIC Facebook post . A picture of him with three Afghan barbers, specifically calling out the work they did for the US military AND their surname.

Now aside from my work, I ALSO volunteered with an organization resettling Afghan SIVs and heard so many horrifying stories of people having their families murdered by the Taliban because of their work with Americans. So I immediately messaged this guy and gave him a heads up that he might be putting these guys in danger by blasting their faces all over the goddamn internet.

His response was that he's "friends with so many sgts and sgt majors" on Facebook and not only would they have said something if there was a problem, but they are ALSO making basically the same kinds of posts. Oh and he also said that a different worker actually did get murdered by the Taliban recently. UHHHHH

So am I insane and this is actually fine, or is an entire Army unit going to get a bunch of Afghans loving killed for internet points?

You posted in the right thread.

# ? Feb 2, 2019 02:42

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# ? May 31, 2024 11:48

not caring here: Feb 22, 2012; blazemastah 2 dry 4 u

Your friend values facebook likes more than human lives and is a turbo piece of poo poo.

You local security officer would be a good start, sending an anonymous email to the local army counterintelligence office with links and poo poo would also be good.

Really though military people are trash and the worst they'll have to do is take it down, which is actually for the best.

# ? Feb 2, 2019 04:09

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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