quote:

King Hussein Obama I, flanked by his bodyguards, stepped out of his blinged Limoscalade and marched up the gold-lined marble steps of Washington Palace. It should have been a glorious day, yet under his heavy yet exquisite crown of carved human fetus-ivory his brow was ridged deeply as he silently brooded. Still, his posse, boomboxes on their shoulders, dance-walked up the steps, chains and gats jangling over the din as they grabbed their crotches.

As his trusted associates T-Von and Mook-Mook the Bushman pushed open the grand organic farm-grown cruelty-free redwood doors paid for by his 95% tax rate, he stepped into the antechamber of the gold-domed palace. Outside, ShariaVentalism reigned, but in here his word was law, and all his white teen sex slaves cowered before his glare more than even the hemp whips of their latte-drinking tweeded atheist masters.

He walked down the hallway toward his office and a prisoner in chains passed before him, lead by two turban-wearing Mexicans. He spotted the King and began shouting curses.

"You loving fascist! I knew it! I knew it! I told them, but they wouldn't listen, that your health care platform was a slippery slope to all this! You won't get away with this! The will of the Free Market will not be denied!"
"Seelenceo een the prezence of the Keeng, preesoner!"

King Obama spotted a chance to improve his ill mood.

"Bring him here. Good. Give me his file." The king looked over the prisoner's dossier. A long list of crimes against the state, and a repeat offender. "You'll never get away with this! Never!"
"Hush now, Mr. Jack. We have ways of dealing with unruly sorts such as yourself."
"Praise be to Allah, seenyor."
"Peh! I spit at your torture! The Free Market gives me strength!"
"Oh, no, not anything as gauche as that."

The King grabbed a syringe from the outstretched hand of one of his nearby breakdancing bodyguards, and plunged it into the man's helpless neck.

"Now you are immune to rubella."

Kyle's lingering, echoing screams of tormented horror brought a slight smile like a crack in Obama's stony brown face as he walked into his lavish velvet-lined office and shut the door behind him. He motioned for his bodyguards to leave the room, and he addressed the giant screens hanging over his desk.

"Screen one on. Connect to Emperor bin Laden of Eurabia. Screen two: Hugo Chavez of the U.S.S.A.R.. Screen three: The High Elder of Zion."

The three figures appeared live via satelite.

"Gentlemen," began Obama darkly, "it's time to have... a conversation."

MikeCrotch posted:

Someone post that pre-Trump graph where self described centrists both preferred strongmen leaders and disliked democracy more than either the far left or far right

ikanreed posted:

Centrism has always and forever been the real basis of fascism.

Another thing about centrists that no one talks about : political extremism seems to provide resistance to all kinds of cognitive errors except confirmation bias.

hallebarrysoetoro posted:

goatstein's stupid obama post still makes me lol

quote:

12:05 PM eastern standard time, the Muslims have vanished. Check for yourself if you don't believe me. Where have they gone to?

There is speculation, of course. Scientists mention a cosmic storm that passed the Earth on January 20. A man says they are all in caves. Certain groups lament a faulty Rapture. A woman says he has taken their power and absorbed it into himself. She means Barack Obama. I doubt it, but he does seem somehow taller. The ground rumbles at times. The breaking news says WASHINGTON DC, with red concentric circles. I'm uneasy, but what can we do? Terror is defeated and if Obama were a Muslim, he'd be just as gone as them. There's no cause for alarm.

Within months, Barack Obama has declared a war on vague unease. It's a good idea, because frankly we could all use some peace of mind. Approval rating is higher than ever now that the Muslims had left, but I don't think we are happy yet. His eyes are shining sometimes, as a deer's eyes shine in a flashlight beam. Small fissures criss-cross the pavement. Trees are swaying, but the breeze is gone. Something is changing in our world.

Aeroplanes don't exist anymore. Scientists explain that the density of the air is too low to support their wings. Then how do we breathe?! We should have died by now, but I think we are evolving. Our bodies haven't changed, but the atmosphere..

One man says it was the rapture after all, and we have since entered the Kingdom of God. Barack is now the size of an oak tree. He sleeps outside since the rains have ceased, and his skin is thick to bullets. Now he wanders through he countryside impassively. He ignores a rural photo-op. He studies a leaf for twenty days. Only a fool would call this Heaven.

Satellites fall to earth like rain used to. No friction burns them away, so we trudge past countless flecks of solar panel and ribbons of golden cloth. It's a silent car crash every few hours, though cars themselves no longer run. No oxygen remains to ignite their fuel. Obama strides across the landscape, taller than the Freedom Tower. We've given up on assassination; all men are immortal now, and guns no longer fire.

I'm starting to wish the Muslims were back.

We found them with a telescope. Images of a colony on the right side of the moon. See the parts that jut from the lower right? I think they're mosques. Soon they are visible to the naked eye, but how? Their cities are enormous. We watch them as they live and die. They have our former atmosphere; the moon is fringed with blue. "Look at how they wield their guns," writes a man. "I always said he'd take our guns away." They eat and sleep like we once did, building worthless ziggurats. We have everything we wanted, but oh how we envy their strife!

It's long been clear that Obama brought this uncomfortable perfection upon us, but I can't bring myself to blame him for it. He's reminded us all of how our lives had been discarded out of fear. I know now why he grows each day. In time, when we are ready he will reach out into space. He will raise us up in his great hand, to this new Earth that gleams like a frozen star. And if Obama does not carry us, we can climb...

exmarx posted:

old.flv posted:

all those Silent Majority avs that were here

Rex-Goliath posted:

what the gently caress was that, anyways? i remember someone saying that the chuds were organizing in an offsite discord which is why they'd always descend onto the same threads at the same time. did some mods finally clean that poo poo out?

old.flv posted:

I am not sure but I assume the posters quietly disappeared unless there's some chud nexus here I'm not aware of

old.flv posted:

I don't think that's true but idk

old.flv posted:

I am not sure but I assume the posters quietly disappeared unless there's some chud nexus here I'm not aware of

im on the net me boys posted:

It's called fyad

Homeless Friend posted:

BraveUlysses posted:

6. telling everyone to look at your website instead of being able to meaningfully speak about your own policies

im on the net me boys posted:

It's called fyad

jobson groeth posted:

I love SMG's one too

GalacticAcid posted:

was it this

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

https://twitter.com/Goatstein/status/1042075635441516545

Ugato posted:

It was a smokey eye joke and I'm told it was very funny

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

https://twitter.com/Goatstein/status/1042075635441516545

HobbitGrease posted:

remember when Kathy Griffin posed for that picture with the bloody Trump head and the right-wing grievance machine revved up so hard she got fired as the spokesperson for Squatty Potty

Spergin Morlock posted:

is it wrong that i think trump and kathy griffin both suck rear end?

Captain Billy Pissboy posted:

The best part was people claiming Barron saw the fake head and was traumatized

Javid posted:

When comedians pull an Icarus and take their schtick too far it's pretty great.

Like, at some point, she had to actually think "nah, I'm funny enough to get away with openly calling for the death of the actual president"

And then she found out she wasn't.

Javid posted:

When comedians pull an Icarus and take their schtick too far it's pretty great.

Like, at some point, she had to actually think "nah, I'm funny enough to get away with openly calling for the death of the actual president"

And then she found out she wasn't.

Filthy Hans posted:

I remember when Michael Richards flew too close to the sun

and then he called the sun the n-word

Filthy Hans posted:

I remember when Michael Richards flew too close to the sun

and then he called the sun the n-word

GalacticAcid posted:

Oh you can absolutely glean useful info from a candidate's policy page, especially for local races

fundie poo poo is a big one as you noted. in dem primaries you can usually determine whether they're pro charter schools or not from their site. but yea you def have to contextualize it by understanding their past positions & careers, funding sources, etc

Spergin Morlock posted:

is it wrong that i think trump and kathy griffin both suck rear end?