Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

Splicer posted:

I got the biggest grin on my face at the reveal

I did the exact same thing.

That was legitimately the high point of this thread for me.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:45

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# ? May 10, 2024 18:00

Poldarn: Feb 18, 2011

Bug Warrior fesher you are doing the Lord's work, please continue.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:58

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

I don't think Whiskey In The Jar is an Irish song.

If it was, it'd be "Whiskey In The Stomach".

# ? Mar 14, 2019 17:37

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I love this thread.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 20:10

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

My brother I cannot love a cockroach fighter

# ? Mar 15, 2019 04:16

Sten Freak: Sep 10, 2008; Despite all of these shortcomings, the Sten still has a long track record of shooting people right in the face.; College Slice

Sleepytime posted:

The saga continues.

There�s a short story similar to this where a guy is in an accident and has fever-dreams in a hospital but instead of awesome bug adventures it ends with him being offered as a ritual sacrifice.

I got the biggest grin when I hit the callback to the bug dream fesh

# ? Mar 15, 2019 05:37

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Really gotta be amazed at people who'll attack the disabled. Nobody's going to take your side, and they have a long hard stick.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 08:23

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Update from the guy who cheated on his wife with his hot daddy-issues coworker

quote:

(still) married cheater goon here

I figured you all might want an update on the remains of my life.

My divorce is ongoing. It ended up being way more messy than I thought it would be. Since I have a house with a fair amount of equity in it my future ex wife and I are trying to find the best way to divy everything up. Also, since her credit isn't too great, all of the cars, phones and credit cards are in my name so we have to sort that out too. Custody is a little easier, since both of our kids are in their teens. I've been getting them on the weekends so far, and that seems to be working for now.

You'll all laugh at this, but hot coworker and I moved in together. I couldn't keep living at my boss's guest house indefinitely, and her lease was coming up so we just got our own place and we've been living together for a little over a month. I want to say that it's a train wreck and we made a bad choice, but the fact is we get along great and we're both really happy. Was it stupid to move in with my side chick? Probably, but we're happy and my life is otherwise a mess so it's nice to have some normality. My boys have been over to stay the night a few weekends. I thought there would be a lot of attitude and push back from them for having to be around my girlfriend who's only about a decade older than they are. Truth is, they both get along well with her.

I had to quit my volunteer gig at the middle school. If you'll recall, it was a sort of makerspace/engineering/robotics thing that I've been doing for five years. The principal called me and said that he was getting complaints from some of the kids's moms regarding hot coworker. She tagged along to a couple of my lessons because she had some free time, and some of the moms probably freaked out about it. That kind of sucks, because the kids and I were planning to go on a couple of cool outings this year and now the whole program is basically gone.

Other than that, everything is cool.

Honestly my main objection this whole time has been that you needed to choose, and you did, so if things are going well that's good

LOL at the PTA objecting to the presence of a painted harlot at school tho

# ? Mar 15, 2019 12:31

Azza Bamboo: Apr 7, 2018; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

My only objection to moving in with your side chick is that you've moved in and still consider her your side chick.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 13:23

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

Azza Bamboo posted:

My only objection to moving in with your side chick is that you've moved in and still consider her your side chick.

I think it's just to make the story easier to follow when there are no names. Wife/ex-wife and side piece makes sense to me :shrug:

# ? Mar 15, 2019 13:33

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

loquacius posted:

Update from the guy who cheated on his wife with his hot daddy-issues coworker

Honestly my main objection this whole time has been that you needed to choose, and you did, so if things are going well that's good

LOL at the PTA objecting to the presence of a painted harlot at school tho

I can 100% see the local suburban moms getting pissy at the sight of cheater goon's hot girlfriend. Sucks that the kids don't get to do cool stuff because their moms feel threatened by his girl.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 13:34

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Azza Bamboo posted:

My only objection to moving in with your side chick is that you've moved in and still consider her your side chick.

Yeah, I think it's just for the sake of description. He never did give her an alias like in the r/relationships posts.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 13:35

Freudian: Mar 23, 2011

Azza Bamboo posted:

My only objection to moving in with your side chick is that you've moved in and still consider her your side chick.

But now they're living... side by side :3:

# ? Mar 15, 2019 13:37

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Rad-daddio posted:

I can 100% see the local suburban moms getting pissy at the sight of cheater goon's hot girlfriend. Sucks that the kids don't get to do cool stuff because their moms feel threatened by his girl.

Yup, it's the physical manifestation of one of their deepest fears.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 13:55

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

It owns that one day your children will be watching a movie or reading and it will randomly pop into your head what you did to their family because you were horny.

It might be 5-10 years but man it�ll be a hoot!

# ? Mar 15, 2019 14:47

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

loquacius posted:

I don't think he's died yet either. I sometimes wondered if he became a brain-damaged vegetable, or stuck in a coma like I was, and what he's dreaming about�

Holy poo poo, Bug Warrior supernemesis origin story

# ? Mar 15, 2019 14:49

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Sometimes the side chick
Becomes the main lady friend
Flawless victory

# ? Mar 15, 2019 15:34

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

A haiku by Bust Rodd

Horniest father
Should have just cut off your dick
It�s never too late

# ? Mar 15, 2019 15:38

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

# ? Mar 15, 2019 15:38

Azza Bamboo: Apr 7, 2018; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

Bust Rodd posted:

A haiku by Bust Rodd

Horniest father
Should have just cut off your dick
It�s never too late

good

Nocheez posted:

I think it's just to make the story easier to follow when there are no names. Wife/ex-wife and side piece makes sense to me

True. Apologies if my tone came off as serious earlier, I was trying to convey a congratulations on the goon making this new relationship work.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 16:07

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

I just wanted to know what cheater goon did for a living. He lives in California, has a presumably decent house and cars and he gets to bail in the middle of a Friday to suck on his co worker's face. Shits not fair, man.

I guess some people just land on their feet.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 17:04

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

I can tell you, from experience, that life loving sucks man

# ? Mar 15, 2019 17:09

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Rad-daddio posted:

I just wanted to know what cheater goon did for a living. He lives in California, has a presumably decent house and cars and he gets to bail in the middle of a Friday to suck on his co worker's face. Shits not fair, man.

I guess some people just land on their feet.

Almost 100% odds he's a techie

# ? Mar 15, 2019 17:15

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

loquacius posted:

Almost 100% odds he's a techie

That' what I was thinking. I recall he mentioned something about optics or scientific instruments. I'm tempted to dig up all the cheater goon feshes and compile them for reference.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 18:44

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Rad-daddio posted:

That' what I was thinking. I recall he mentioned something about optics or scientific instruments. I'm tempted to dig up all the cheater goon feshes and compile them for reference.

A sort of Replete Cheat cheat sheet, if you will.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 18:51

Remulak: Jun 8, 2001; I can't count to four.; Yams Fan

Jackpot goon: I know you�re reading this. Enjoy it until she says �you know I�ve been getting along with my dad�.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 19:09

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

I may have told this story before in the thread but my High School sweetheart moved to the same city as I did after she graduated and we stayed in touch. 3 years in she started dating one of the adjunct profs, like a 52 year old guy to her 21-22.

Anyways one day she invited me over to check out the �cool loft they were living in while he renovated it� and it was literally just her dad. They looked nearly identical, had the same glasses and beard, spoke in the same cadence, and they were both profs during the day and had lovely night jobs to cover their children�s expenses (his 15 year old son lived with them half the week). I was concerned because the renovations weren�t... going well and while we�re drinking on the roof I was like �so-and-so, as your friend and someone who really cares about you, do you maybe see some similarities between-�
�yes I know, it�s weird, but I love him and he makes me happy.�
�Ok so you feel like safe and secure?�
�Yes, I�m sure he�s not gonna hurt me, and it�s weird having the kid around because he�s only like 6 years younger than me but we all get along.�

Epilogue: a few months later they drive back to our hometown for Thanksgiving so he can meet the family. He steps out of the car, meets her dad, basically shits his pants and gets back in the car, breaking up with her while peeling out.

Not sure why I�m thinking of it now though...

# ? Mar 15, 2019 19:29

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Bust Rodd posted:

Epilogue: a few months later they drive back to our hometown for Thanksgiving so he can meet the family. He steps out of the car, meets her dad, basically shits his pants and gets back in the car, breaking up with her while peeling out.

That's amazing

# ? Mar 15, 2019 19:34

Nissin Cup Nudist: Sep 3, 2011; Sleep with one eye open

We're off to Gritty Gritty land

Bust Rodd posted:

Epilogue: a few months later they drive back to our hometown for Thanksgiving so he can meet the family. He steps out of the car, meets her dad, basically shits his pants and gets back in the car, breaking up with her while peeling out.

Not sure why I�m thinking of it now though...

So what was real dad's reaction?

# ? Mar 15, 2019 19:47

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

Nissin Cup Nudist posted:

So what was real dad's reaction?

He also poo poo the boyfriend-dad's pants.

# ? Mar 15, 2019 19:57

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

Nissin Cup Nudist posted:

So what was real dad's reaction?

Let�s just say dinner was quiet

# ? Mar 15, 2019 20:01

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Bust Rodd posted:

Epilogue: a few months later they drive back to our hometown for Thanksgiving so he can meet the family. He steps out of the car, meets her dad, basically shits his pants and gets back in the car, breaking up with her while peeling out.

Amazing

# ? Mar 15, 2019 20:54

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

maybe he was a time traveler :thunk:

# ? Mar 15, 2019 23:47

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

bob dobbs is dead posted:

Lauterbach EC, Shiillcutt SD, Phillips DE. Dextromethorphan and dextrorphan as heuristic rapid-acting, conventional, and treatment-resistant antidepressants, with substance abuse considerations. In: Preedy VL, editor. Neuropathology Of Drug Addictions And Substance Misuse. Amsterdam, Netherlands: Academic Press, Elsevier B.V.; 2016. pp. 707�717.
reviewish sort of thing

Kelly TF, Lieberman DZ. The utility of the combination of dextromethorphan and quinidine in the treatment of bipolar II and bipolar NOS. J Affective Disord. 2014;16:333�335.
not great

I took Dex several times as a kid. It's basically a nightmare trip that begins with taking way too much of some gross pills or even syrup and ends with you under a bush thinking you're in your living room watching tv. It's also not good for you, unsurprisingly. No matter what there's no way someone should be running their own experiments on themselves with Dex trying to cure depression. Like, that's the dumbest idea ever

loquacius posted:

Posting this anonymously because I don�t want a big red text. I love the current thread about aliens, and have an experience, but I don�t want to share it there because I�m sure I will be mocked.

On October 4th, 2015 I was jerking off before bed (just being honest) when I felt my house shake. This isn�t super unusual as I�ve had planes fly over my house before to similar effect. I pay no mind and finish jerking off, porn
Vid on my phone in one hand. Suddenly my phone battery drains 30% and then just shuts off. The lights in my bedroom dim and flicker, and I assume the power is about to go off.

The house keeps shaking, at this point it�s been about 45 seconds which is unusually long. I pull my boxer shorts back up and look outside the window. Three figures are standing there, each illuminated by a little blue �cube� of light they�re holding. I use quotation marks because it actually kinda hurt my eyes to look at the shapes. Not like because they were bright, but because they gave me a headache. I�ve since read about multidimensional encounters and this felt similar.

Anyway I hear knocking on my front door and run to go get it. It�s another one of these figures and I suddenly realize it�s about 6 foot tall, covered in a green papery looking full body suit (like a jumpsuit) and the face has this big red jelly looking blob in the middle of it. I rightfully am terrified and scream and close the door but the thing has already grabbed me by the neck. It lifts me up with one hand and carries me outside.

I�m screaming in terror and trying to fight back but my punches just thud on it and it feels like a bag of flour. 5 more figures surround us then and I hear a whirring noise. Suddenly a rope appears from somewhere above us, they hook it to me by just kind of touching it to me (I don�t remember this super well) and I feel myself being pulled up.

I�m yanked up extremely fast and pass out. I have no idea how long I was out. I woke up and felt like puking. I was stripped naked and laying on a big cushioned floor. My clothes were nowhere to be seen and the walls and ceiling around me were totally black. The cushioned floor was white but I saw a lot of brown and yellow stains on it.

I start screaming and pounding on the walls and floor and suddenly this red light starts flashing and I feel incredibly sleepy. I pass out again.

Again, no idea how long I was out but I woke up in my bed this time, and it was 1 pm the next day. There was a dried film on a few sections of my skin that crumbled off as soon as i touched it. I also did not go to the bathroom for 2 days and when I did, my urine was slightly blue in color. I went to the doctor and they found nothing wrong except my white blood cell count was very high, like I just got over an illness. Since then (again this is just for honesty�s sake) my penis has never quite worked the same way, I don�t get as hard anymore and I cum way more than I ever did. One time I was curious and jerked off into a cup to see, I shot out almost a half cup of cum, this was the most extreme case so far.

sounds like you had an aneurysm while jerking off. maybe loosen the belt next time

RFC2324 posted:

Nice thing about meeting someone for coffee is you still get a yummy coffee even if they don't show, so it's impossible not to come out ahead.

I think he's more interested in coming out the head than coming out ahead

# ? Mar 16, 2019 00:22

D-Pad: Jun 28, 2006

Cheater goon. Your teenagers get along with her because she's loving them.

# ? Mar 16, 2019 05:44

bob dobbs is dead: Oct 8, 2017; I love peeps; Nap Ghost

Play posted:

I took Dex several times as a kid. It's basically a nightmare trip that begins with taking way too much of some gross pills or even syrup and ends with you under a bush thinking you're in your living room watching tv. It's also not good for you, unsurprisingly. No matter what there's no way someone should be running their own experiments on themselves with Dex trying to cure depression. Like, that's the dumbest idea ever

Dosage in the patient trials is about 1/10 to 1/2 recreational dosage

If you down an entire bottle of tylenol you will also die a miserable lingering death. Doesn't mean nobody should use tylenol

# ? Mar 16, 2019 05:50

A Strange Aeon: Mar 26, 2010; You are now a slimy little toad; The Great Twist

D-Pad posted:

Cheater goon. Your teenagers get along with her because she's loving them.

This does seem pretty likely.

# ? Mar 16, 2019 15:34

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Sorry goons, but this one isn't going to be super interesting like aliens or bug dreams.

Anyway, I met a girl and I really like her a lot. We matched on Tinder near the end of January and we've been talking everyday since. We've gone on four dates with the 5th coming next week. The one thing that sucks is that she's from Colombia (I'm from the US) and she'll be heading home once her visa is up in the summer. We've both decided not to think about her leaving for now and enjoy the time we have together. She does want me to come and visit her though once she's back home, and I definitely want to. My USD would go along way down there. I think I'm gonna try and make an honest attempt to learn Spanish if things continue to go well. She's fluent in Spanish and English, but I when the time comes, I want to tell her how I feel in more than one language.

We both really like history so what we do is once a week, one of us will give a small a lecture to the other on a topic we know a bit about, with some fact checking help from wikipeida, of course. I've learned a lot from her so far, and I hope she's learning from me. I hope this goes well. She's beautiful, funny, incredibly smart and super witty.

I'm glad you're having a good time with an interesting person

quote:

I'm 100% taking a real risk because this confession can only come from one of like 7 people if anyone seriously digs into it.

My anonymous confession is that R Kelly knows he's going to jail and is preparing his trusts/companies/and finances to be in order. There is a real chance he is going to plea and take a lesser sentence (his lawyers are really pushing for this).

There's more evidence than is out there for the public to know, but it probably will never get out because he'd be crazy not to strike a deal.

I mean, I feel like I could have told you this and I'm not even really following the case that closely

# ? Mar 16, 2019 15:42

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

You think budding sexuality is a struggle? Try masking boners from your dad's hot girlfriend who walks around the house in her undies and is like maybe 5 years older than you. seems fair, those kids will probably have great attitudes about sex and relationships.

# ? Mar 16, 2019 15:44

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# ? May 10, 2024 18:00

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Play posted:

I took Dex several times as a kid.

Yeah but how's your Con?

# ? Mar 16, 2019 15:51

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