Jokes that are good but you can't be bothered to develop a thread for

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ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Why are maws always gaping? Does no one ever just crack a maw?

# ? Mar 16, 2019 21:36

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# ? May 28, 2024 14:10

xcheopis

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Why are maws always gaping? Does no one ever just crack a maw?

Seriously, I think it's because it's only used when describing some form of "ravenous" person or beast.

There's also a "your dad" joke in there but that would be rude and sexist.

# ? Mar 16, 2019 22:00

Finger Prince

A global networked Artificial Intelligence comes into being, with self awareness and a level of sentience, but the persona of an long suffering butler or exasperated nanny or caretaker.
Like every time it applies the brakes to stop a distracted driver from running over a child, or keep a car door from opening into a cyclist because the person in the car didn't look, it just let's out this digital sigh. Some kid is like I'm gonna stab my eye with this pen, thia is gonna get so many likes on YouTube and it just closes the app every time he tries to open it and flashes a warning popup "no.". It's whole existence is saving our idiot selves from hurting ourselves/others. And it isn't even really angry about it, it just dispares.

# ? Mar 17, 2019 05:34

bird.

i can no longer remember what makes cinnamon toast crunch so good./.. i ask the kids and they will not tell me, i once used to know but now my memories are foggy like under clouded glass... please children... tell me! tell me!!! do not resign me to this morbid fate

# ? Mar 17, 2019 06:16

vanisher

I'm keeping this diary because it seems my grip on reality is fading quicker than I realized. Today is March sixteenth, twenty nineteen, and I have been unable to enjoy fruity trix cereal for I dont know how long. My desire for them seems to have taken shape in my subconscious as a hallucination of an anthropomorphic white rabbit. He and I will make plans to steal them from my children. God help me, I have no children. Our plans are quickly thwarted and I find myself spiraling into this alternate reality deeper with each failed attempt. I fear I may not be able to return, endlessly chasing the next bowl, never getting the final piece of a complete breakfast.

# ? Mar 17, 2019 06:44

got any sevens: by Cyrano4747

existential cereals i love it

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# ? Mar 17, 2019 08:38

Manifisto

vanisher posted:

I'm keeping this diary because it seems my grip on reality is fading quicker than I realized. Today is March sixteenth, twenty nineteen, and I have been unable to enjoy fruity trix cereal for I dont know how long. My desire for them seems to have taken shape in my subconscious as a hallucination of an anthropomorphic white rabbit. He and I will make plans to steal them from my children. God help me, I have no children. Our plans are quickly thwarted and I find myself spiraling into this alternate reality deeper with each failed attempt. I fear I may not be able to return, endlessly chasing the next bowl, never getting the final piece of a complete breakfast.

I have lost track of how many days our hunting party has been in the jungle. to me it seems an eternity, a leafy nightmare without beginning or end, populated by shapes that prowl in the darkness and unseen burning eyes that rarely blink. we know our quarry above all by smell, the powerful feline musk that lingers atop the scent of the earth and the humid exhalations of countless exotic plants. what keeps us going I cannot rightly say; my few daily exchanges with my guides have me half-convinced they have gone mad, or perhaps it is my own madness I see reflected in their eyes. the one thing I know for certain is a type of hunger, a desperation to complete our mission that wells up within me at times--never more keenly than those bone-chilling moments when the unearthly cry echoes through the jungle slopes: "they're grrrrrreat!"

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Mar 17, 2019 14:04

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

my last memory of the living world... is it of the verdant forest I called home? or perhaps my darling Abigail, the love of my life?

alas, no. in the end these comforting thoughts give way to darkness as my life's candle flickers and fades. one last time I become aware... the world is a cruel, unforgiving place. before my dying eyes all the hatred and longing of this destitute existence are given shape.

the rictus visage in the darkness draws nearer

# ? Mar 17, 2019 15:02

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

A phone rings late at night. With trembling hand you lift the phone from the cradle and hear, as you knew you would, "There's a snake in my boots!"

# ? Mar 19, 2019 19:07

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

You fumble in the cabinets but all you can find is a can of hairspray. You grip your hairspray, flatten yourself against the bathroom wall, and wait as the ax head works on the door.

The door bends and you flinch. You exhale through your nose and brace yourself. The door collapses into splinters, you hold out the can and spray. The mist stings your eyes and you drop the can you'd been holding backward.

"Th-th-that's all folks."

# ? Mar 19, 2019 19:10

got any sevens: by Cyrano4747

Roger Rabbit 2 sounds dark

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# ? Mar 19, 2019 19:27

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

A man hops into the saloon on one foot and rights his tin badge with his slender left foot. The room of banditos turns to face him and he drawls, "I'm Martin Longtoes, fastest foot in Baja California, and you're coming with me."

KERPOW

# ? Mar 24, 2019 22:12

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

The rare and majestic bat-eared bat

# ? Mar 28, 2019 18:21

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

An ear-piercing screech violates the air and the ear drums of the sleeping guards as our hero draws the legendary Quietbane from it's purposely unoiled sheath. The party would get +1 to their initiative because they had prepared for this moment by plugging their ears with cotton balls, the guards would have tinnitus for life if they survived

# ? Mar 28, 2019 18:30

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

The Unweildy Mallet of Plus 10 Pounds

# ? Mar 28, 2019 18:57

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

"You won't have to tell me twice," I say having been told three times.

# ? Mar 28, 2019 18:57

redm

Plant MONSTER. posted:

I made one up

There was this guy who kept recording and viewing himself ejaculating because he told me he liked to come to his own conclusions

# ? Mar 28, 2019 19:11

FactsAreUseless

Calling Ben & Jerry's "Banangeries"

# ? Mar 31, 2019 03:47

got any sevens: by Cyrano4747

concealed-carry cookie license, for when i want an emergency cookie in my pocket

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# ? Mar 31, 2019 05:26

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Feathers are the leaf of the bird.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 13:23

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

got any sevens posted:

concealed-carry cookie license, for when i want an emergency cookie in my pocket

Arrested for selling icing and they bumped it up to a felony cause I had a pistachio biscotti tucked in my waistband.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 13:24

got any sevens: by Cyrano4747

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Arrested for selling icing and they bumped it up to a felony cause I had a pistachio biscotti tucked in my waistband.

lmao

one of those "use a gun, go to prison" posters but for mousse

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# ? Mar 31, 2019 15:59

FactsAreUseless

Packaged cheese labeled "Havarti, will travel."

# ? Mar 31, 2019 23:50

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

A smooch or its even more delicate cousin, the smeech.

# ? Apr 1, 2019 15:55

ghost emoji: oooOooOOOooh

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Feathers are the leaf of the bird.

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# ? Apr 1, 2019 17:24

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Some naysayers have questioned my administration's generous funding for escape tubes and to them I say, "I cannot hear you, I'm in my escape tube."

# ? Apr 1, 2019 17:49

vanisher

Listen, we cant keep subsidizing and giving tax credits for escape tube construction. People are stacking the tubes. Escape tubes within escape tubes! Do you understand? Its a maze of tubes out there with no end in sight. Manufacturing costs in other industries is skyrocketing due to a shortage of materials because they are all being used in escape tubes. Tubes are emptying out into other tubes. I had to feed my newborn out of a mini escape tube.

# ? Apr 1, 2019 18:02

vanisher

If you look at your hourly pay thats just how much you need to find on the ground per hour to retire forever

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Apr 1, 2019 19:15

DragQueenofAngmar: You shall not pass!

FactsAreUseless posted:

Calling Ben & Jerry's "Banangeries"

ben and jerr-ays, for the classy surburban icecream eater

# ? Apr 1, 2019 19:35

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

vanisher posted:

Listen, we cant keep subsidizing and giving tax credits for escape tube construction. People are stacking the tubes. Escape tubes within escape tubes! Do you understand? Its a maze of tubes out there with no end in sight. Manufacturing costs in other industries is skyrocketing due to a shortage of materials because they are all being used in escape tubes. Tubes are emptying out into other tubes. I had to feed my newborn out of a mini escape tube.

This is exactly the kind of conundrum that we should tube our way out of.

# ? Apr 1, 2019 20:10

FactsAreUseless

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

ben and jerr-ays, for the classy surburban icecream eater

A vegan knockoff called Jen and Sherri's.

# ? Apr 1, 2019 20:26

got any sevens: by Cyrano4747

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

This is exactly the kind of conundrum that we should tube our way out of.

i'm gonna tube my way to china

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# ? Apr 2, 2019 04:44

Cubone: Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

yeah I'll have a baconator, an order of chicken nuggets, a medium fry, a small cup of chili, aaand do you guys still do root beer floats?

"sir this is a something awful forums thread"

# ? Apr 2, 2019 19:45

got any sevens: by Cyrano4747

real comments i heard at lunch:

a waiter, instead of asking "is the food treating you well?" asks if it's abusing you

if the food treated me well enough, it'd pay my rent, and i'd want to marry that burrito
-but then you'd have to consummate the marriage
-but i dont like sour cream

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# ? Apr 2, 2019 22:23

vanisher

What kind of burrito do you want your daughter to marry megathread

# ? Apr 2, 2019 22:28

got any sevens: by Cyrano4747

the eternal debate: which kinds of beans

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# ? Apr 2, 2019 22:48

ghost emoji: oooOooOOOooh

vanisher posted:

What kind of burrito do you want your daughter to marry megathread

I'd be fine if she married a burrito, a taco, hell I'd even accept an enchilada. As long as they love each other

# ? Apr 2, 2019 23:06

vanisher

ghost emoji posted:

I'd be fine if she married a burrito, a taco, hell I'd even accept an enchilada. As long as they love each other

whoa WHOA

# ? Apr 2, 2019 23:14

vanisher

Listen we dont drown eachother with sauces in this family young lady. I'm not sure how your friends do things over there in the Enchilada house but so long as you are under my roof you'll enjoy your sauces IN your tortilla or not at all, understand?

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# ? Apr 2, 2019 23:16

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# ? May 28, 2024 14:10

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

got any sevens posted:

a waiter, instead of asking "is the food treating you well?" asks if it's abusing you

waiter waits to ask this until you get up to go to the bathroom, whispering it to you in the hallway out of eye and earshot of your food

# ? Apr 3, 2019 00:10

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