google THIS posted:

Abugadu posted:

aw man I missed spider chat.

Well you get a spider story anyway - so most of our spiders here in the western pacific ocean are cute or interesting, and not really intrusive into your everyday life. Once in a great while, though, like once every two years, you'll find a huntsman in your house. Don't google it if you don't want to, I'll describe - It's not venomous, it's not aggressive, but it's massive, like a spindly, uglier tarantula. And quick. One of the fastest spiders you'll ever see. Neither my wife nor I knew of these wonders before we moved here, and our first few encounters with them were unpleasant and surprising.

One morning, I awoke in our rather large bedroom in the house we were renting, and noticed a blur in the far upper corner of the room. This was before I got lasers in my eyes, so as I'm reaching for my glasses, I'm thinking 'I hope that is the world's largest gecko'. But no. It was a huntsman, just staring at us as we slept. Our bed was centered, like 6 o'clock if we're using directional descriptions. Spider is at 10. Large pile of laundry that I had yet to put away is at 12, opposite the bed and against the wall containing the huntsman. Door is at 2.

I'm trying to calculate how to get to this thing to kill it, because the ceilings are tall - close to 12 feet, and spidey's near the top. I'm not as arachnophobic as I used to be, but the big ones are not my friends. As I'm planning my killshot, my wife wakes up, and wants to try to catch and release. She goes and gets a magazine and a piece of tupperware that is 4" x 2", which does not cover the circumference of the spider legs at all. I try to tell her that she's not allowed to try, as her attempt will spook the spider, causing it to run away and possibly get in the laundry, which will force me to burn the pile of clothes to be safe. She ignores me and gets a ladder that isn't quite tall enough to accomplish the task - I climb up on the bed with a can of Lysol and watch sullenly, as she starts to poke at it with the corner of the magazine.

It bolts. Directly sidewise, towards 12 o'clock. I let out an ear-piercing non-manly shriek, my wife busts out laughing uncontrollably. The spider stops directly over the pile of laundry, stares at me eyes to eye, and if it could have given me the finger it would have, and drops into the pile of clothes. Continuing my shriek non-stop, I hop down and unload the entire can of Lysol onto the spider before he can burrow in. Now maybe this would have had a more dramatic effect on a smaller spider, but the huntsman just seems mildly annoyed. But it does slow it down enough, and my wife is able to plop the tupperware over it, still laughing so hard she's tearing. She goes to let it outside, and I ask her where she's releasing it. She points to our garden, and I refuse and direct her across the street to the apartment complex over there.

The smell of Lysol brings back unpleasant memories now.

FutonForensic posted:

nude worf

data: ensign, I do not believe such a request is becoming of a starfleet--

👏 nude 👏 worf 👏 nude 👏 worf

data: curious. it appears I have much to learn about hu--*dies when spawngibbed by nude worf*

FlaxAxis posted:

computer, end simulation

*hands begin to fade like back to the future*

its me. i was the simulation all along

*big triple titty squirrel furry starfleet officer returns to her duties*

SciFiDownBeat posted:

Mozart: take the orange marker and draw Mommy, stick figure, three diagonal lines on each side of her head for the hair. don't forget to replace the cap or you'll dry it out. Then take the purple marker for Daddy, head double the size of his body. It's almost nap time, do you have it?

Salieri: you're—you're going too fast—

Mozart: —do you HAVE it?!

Finger Prince posted:

The transformation begins.
Block print spandex erupts from my skin.
The foam roll of a yoga pad springs from my spine.
From my clawed hands, an iPhone and an extra skinny white chocolate mochachino. Kathy written on the side in black felt tip.
"Hashtag turmeric!" I shout to my followers. "Hashtag wellness!" they reply.
A small, angry dog appears under my arm.
The transformation is complete.

treasure bear posted:

*throwing the lit joined behind the counter*

Ohhh, hello treasure bear!! How's your day going?
*coughing smoke into my hand*

WindmillSlayer posted:

WHY DOES THIS NEVER END

WindmillSlayer posted:

WHY DOES THIS NEVER END

FutonForensic posted:

we're all having a good time, sitting on the floor. suddenly chet comes in.

"wife's boyfriend comin'!"

we drop our gamecube controllers and scatter. pizza on paper plates and bottles of cheerwine go flying. I cower under the greasy pizza box, pretending I'm solid snake to feel brave. It's no use; my wife's boyfriend greets me immediately. "Hey Dillon, I just got my Hyundai Elantra waxed. I'm going to give your wife a ride over to Applebees, wanna come with?" I internally make the MGS guard alert sound

take the moon posted:

maslow's hierarchy of weeds

cda posted:

Make the graphic

Splatmaster posted:

google THIS posted:

Let me tell you about the internet forum known as BYOB. We all used to have one a while back and it's kind of like an "internet community" for everyone involved in a video game. This is a small, fun group of people you can find online and you get to hang out and hang out and hang out with them, as far as I'm concerned. You can have a blast chatting all you want, it doesn't matter what your gender is. You can do whatever you want, and all I have to say is... HALLOWEEN IS OVER!!!!! Now that the dust settled after the first week, the rest of us here can take a look back and enjoy all the fun that was in store for the week. Hang out with all your friends... the best friends in the world! Go visit friends for fun! Hang out with all your neighbors! Hang out with your friends! You know you need to spend some time with them while playing and I can tell you there is no

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

fart fart poop toilet butt fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart poop fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart

google THIS posted:

cda posted:

this is the best post that has ever been in byob

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

There are no good posts without dogcrash truther. In the spirit of a good meme that makes you laugh in the face of the absurdities of modern society, here are some random facts about the dog crash of 2007.

A. The first crash occurred at night.

B. The second crash occurred at 1:30 AM.

C. The final crash happened at 11 AM, after a dog called 911 to find out what was wrong.

D. The 911 was silent and the caller did not mention dogs.

E. The owner of the vehicle that was wrecked has an alibi.

F. It was not the fourth car in the convoy that smashed through the gate on its own.

G. The vehicle that was wrecked did not belong to a person who wanted to die from a car accident.

H. The driver of the other vehicle is a woman who just so happens to be a "sheriff's daughter".

I. There was no dog on the roadway.

J. No emergency is called.

K. No police officers on the scene.

FutonForensic posted:

me, holding a piece of bread over the toaster with a "who me" face: what do you think computer? should I put it in?

AI: YES. PUT IT IN. CHIPPY LIKE.

me: hmm, okay. but first, why don't I just... *I smear peanut butter all over the bread and crush it messily into the slot*

AI: WHAT. NO. WHAT. STOP. CHIPPY DON'T LIKE. CHIPPY HATE. CHIPPY HATE.

me: orgasm denied!! aaahahahaha *the toaster malfunctions and starts an inferno that kills me and everyone* aahahehaha

Splatmaster posted:

I Know My Rights (So You Can’t Arrest Me) Fifteen Birds (In Five Fir Trees)

“We’re the DEA!” They yelled to me,
While I was huddling In my own fir tree
“I know my rights!” As they threatened me
So I pleaded the Fifth, before they could arrest me
So I pleaded the Fifth, before they could arrest me.

“Our dogs alerted, we know what you got!
They’re trained in Mordor to sniff out the pot!”

“You’re baked and toasted bail won’t be posted
Your beards glazed with mayonnaise
Your skin smells, hygiene lapsed
Scraggly beard, lips chapped
Face down you’ll lie
Beneath the sky
Looks like we’ve nabbed this guy!”

“We’re the DEA!” They yelled to me,
While I was huddling In my own fir tree
“I know my rights!” As they threatened me
So I pleaded the Fifth, before they could arrest me
So I pleaded the Fifth, before they could arrest me.

vanisher posted:

https://i.imgur.com/EJYfjAn.gifv

BrownianMotion posted:

i am SO TIRED of the media perpetuating these stereotypes, smdh

vanisher posted:

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

dick sucking robot vs. mitch sucking robot: a rap battle in the dark, in the basement of an abandoned house

mitch sucking robot vs. chuck sucking robot: gently caress, mitch suckling in dick

mitch sucking robot vs. jean wearing robot: dank sucking robot is the real dick

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: dick, dude's dick

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: the loving dick

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: the dick is bigger than your dick

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: you know what this poo poo is? this dick tastes just like rear end

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: the loving rear end is bigger than your dick

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: i don't like dicks, gently caress dicks

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: you loving idiot

mitch sucking robot vs. jean wearing robot: dick...you know what? this is the only dick ever made for a toy

micah: is the dick bigger or bigger than a dick?

mitch sucking robot vs. jean wearing robot: is it bigger than your dick?

jean wearing robot vs. mitch sucking robot:

FutonForensic posted:

Me: so like, how does this work? do you have a coin slot i need to feed, or

dick-sucking robot: I HAVE DICK SLOT. FEED ME DICK SLOT, YOU DICK SLOT.

mick-sucking robot: *lick-slap*

dick-sucking robot: I LICK THE SLOPES. YOU LICK THE DICK, YOU SLICE IT DOWN.

mitch-sucking-robot: I FILL THE SLUTZ. DICK SLUTZ.

dick-sucking-robot: gently caress gently caress gently caress

mitch-sucking-robot: I gently caress gently caress DICK. gently caress SHITSELF.

dick-sucking-robot: IT'S A HOOP OF poo poo.

mitch-sucking-robot: I'M IN THE loving HOOP.

dick-sucking-robot: I gently caress poo poo.

mitch-sucking-robot: I gently caress.

mitch-sucking-robot:

dick-sucking-robot: *slack kiss-slap-slap* poo poo IS MIND AND HAND. YOU BITCH OF A SUCK

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

God: your loving wife is the greatest loving bitch in the entire universe!
Me: i know
God: im sorry dude, you had the right idea. I think it would be fun having her to watch me work the loving machine!
God: yeah but i don't know if it's fair to have her watching me work the machine, because its my wife! im just loving pissed right now
Me: what if your wife thinks u are a creep?
God: I'm loving sure he will.
Me: oh no i don't understand
God: no dude, I was asking why you didn't like me.
Me: what exactly do you mean?
God: umm, it just doesn't feel right, because she is my wife.
Me: but you are also cheating on her.
God: yeah, im really loving sure she would see me as the creep if I was cheating on her
Me: but what if you have to do it?
God: sure, i do, she might not like it, but umm. it's my job now, so yeah.
Me: but what if she just has sex with me?
God: I bet she won't.
Me: lol

Plant MONSTER. posted:

Garfield's been down every road

Finger Prince posted:

Splatmaster posted:

Abbott: How'd the man die?

Costello: Nuttin'.

Abbott: So nothing killed him? He's dead, how did he die?

Costello: Nuttin' killed him.

Abbott: Surely SOMETHING killed him? What was his cause of death?

Costello: Nuttin'. He died from N U T T I N'

Abbott: Alright, that's enough of that, gimmee the report *reads death certificate*

Costello: See? It says "nuttin", right dere *points at report*

Abbott: Ok, Mr Smart Guy, then who's on first?

Costello: Not dis guy!

google THIS posted:

Jolo posted:

AMAZING. As far as I'm concerned Splatmaster has won the Game of Thrones with this post. I declare him King of the Seven Realms of Byob.

google THIS posted:

google THIS posted:

google THIS posted:

Twenty Four posted:

I was gonna post this here too, its really good

Splatmaster has done it again!