shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

Or the picture was found on the internet, or taken by the poster after buying it from a store, and that story didn't happen, but was made up for twee lolrandom points.

# ? Apr 17, 2019 05:40

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# ? May 25, 2024 17:36

Jollity Farm: Apr 23, 2010

Well, yes, I expect none of it actually did happen. Just saying, if a homeless person did give you a sword for nothing, it probably wouldn't be worth getting excited about, and all those other Tumblr people haven't thought about it very hard. Or they have, but they don't have the heart to say "whyever would a homeless person who couldn't afford food give away a perfectly good sword?" so they pretend it's awesome, and the cycle of poo poo not happening continues.

# ? Apr 17, 2019 05:48

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Hahaha homeless people are so wacky and random :xd:

# ? Apr 17, 2019 06:22

Esplanade: Jan 6, 2005

He probably just mistook Merlin for a homeless guy. Easy to do with the beard and all.

# ? Apr 17, 2019 07:02

CordlessPen: Jan 8, 2004; I told you so...

ilmucche posted:

I've never been to a game where the home team was played first

yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the Away team first.

I also think it's kinda dumb to play the national anthem(s) in a league where only 2 countries participate, but some people seem to like it, so I just tune in 15 minutes after the game "starts".

# ? Apr 17, 2019 15:35

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

CordlessPen posted:

yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the Away team first.

I also think it's kinda dumb to play the national anthem(s) in a league where only 2 countries participate, but some people seem to like it, so I just tune in 15 minutes after the game "starts".

Whoops yeah you're right, i got it backwards :saddowns:

# ? Apr 17, 2019 15:38

Edgar Allen Ho: Apr 3, 2017; by sebmojo

CordlessPen posted:

yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the Away team first.

I also think it's kinda dumb to play the national anthem(s) in a league where only 2 countries participate, but some people seem to like it, so I just tune in 15 minutes after the game "starts".

We should start playing the national anthems of all the european players on each team as well.

# ? Apr 17, 2019 16:10

AlbieQuirky: Oct 9, 2012; Just me and my 🌊dragon🐉 hanging out

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

We should start playing the national anthems of all the european players on each team as well.

what do you have against the national anthems of the Dominican Republic, Venezuela, Cura�ao, Japan, and South Korea (beisb�l!)

# ? Apr 17, 2019 16:40

Jurgan: May 8, 2007; Just pour it directly into your gaping mouth-hole you decadent slut

https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/bcwcle/em_wants_to_steal_my_birthday_cake_my_mother/

quote:

EM wants to steal my Birthday Cake. My Mother, terrifies her kid and her into backing of.

TLDR: My parents pre-order my birthday cake, when picking it up EM is angry there are no more cakes, except there is and it is reserved. EM think's I am disguising for wanting a cake and should give it to her. My mother rips her and her child 2 brand new a-holes.

So i've recently encountered an entitled mother at Waitrose in UK. This story features me only as a partial spectator and my mum as the victim of the EM, or Em the victim of my mother in all honestly. Happened over a week ago, but only now getting the time to write it.

For some context all of you here in UK know that this is a fairly pricey grossery store aimed at middle-upper class. Me and my parents RARELY go in it, unless we have a good coupon or want cakes, as their bakery is utterly delicious and not as pricey as everything else. This happened about a week ago and recently I had my 21st birthday and my parents have decided to order me a whole rainbow cake as my birthday cake as a treat, which only cost about 20 pounds (16 bucks) (edit, my bad not 16 but 26 dollars). This cake is ALWAYS at a high demand as it is one of their best sellers, meaning that the only way you are likely to get one full is if you order it online or come REALLY early to the store. You simply place an order and a cake is reserved for you at a date, where you then can pick it up and pay at the store. Simple enough right? I know it comes of as a little childish but the cake is delicious and I love colours so heck with it.

So it was the day before my birthday, and my parents had driven to town and I came along for the free ride and at the end of the day ( about 5pm), we headed towards the shop to pick up the cake. By the time we had gotten into the shop and into the little bakery section. We did not see many people around waiting to be served, but we did see alot of people who had stopped dead in their tracks to watch a lady.

I want to say she had the "I want to speak to your manager" hair , but she didn't really. She looked like the most common middle aged blond with no identifiable taste in clothes: tacky and straight up ugly. The most memorable thing was most likely her massive nails and the freaking infinite amount of rings on her fingers- tacky, fake rings to match her ugly accent. that she waved as she yelled at the employee behind a counter. With her , she had a girl who didn't look over 10 or 12, I can't really tell kid's ages anymore in modern times. I heard an audible sigh from my own mother , who then rolled her eyes: it was a busy day.

As we got closer this is the conversation I could make out.

Em: What do you MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE RAINBOW CAKES!", she yelled

Employee: I'm sorry mam, we are all out for today . WE sold our last daily patch at 2 pm.

Em: Well go CHECK AGAIN you idiot! I NEED IT for my daughters birthday! It is a S-P-E-C-I-A-L ( she elongated words) occasion . ( AS if talking to someone challenged)

Employee: I am sorry mam, there is nothing I can do for you. Maybe you could..."

EM: Well then go MAKE one , and make some good use of yourself you lazy cow!" she barked at her.

Employee :" Mam, I cannot do that . And Even if I wanted to I couldn't do it. We don't have the time or the ingredients to make it on demand right now ."

I did not want to drop any judgement onto her child untill I hear it speak. She begun whinign and crying , yelling loudly and whining about the situation. This kid was absolutely chaotic.

EK: " Mommy I want MY CAKE ! I want want want want itt!!" she screeched like a banchee. Honestly now that I think about it, I didn't even know humans could make this high pitched shrill sound that made my back shiver.

EM: " This is why this country has gone down the drain, because immigrants like YOU take up JOBS!! And then stat being lazy! Do your job, and make yourself usefull!" , she baraded her. She had mixed in alot more racism into her remarks of the woman. Going on and on. I did not understand why, since the woman was pale pasty white and even spoke perfect English. Honestly better then my own.

The child had now started to whine, she was not old enough to be able to look over the counter and bang on it, so she begun making nose on the lower half of the counter . Continuously making a small banging noise .

My mother had visibly had enough of this and made her way forward and pushed past the EM. She slightly shoved her , as my step- father then also placed himself between the two of them, to make some boundary.

EM: What?- I..um , excuse me!"- she tried to protest but my mother had ignored her like a bad fart in a big room. Knowing that eventually it will pass.

Mom: Hello! " - she said with a half smile , as she knew the woman did nothing wrog herself. My parents were also worried that our reserved cake was sold-of and that they were also in trouble . " I overheard that you sold all the cakes, but we had one reserved and I am wondering if it is still here? " she asked.

The employee smiled " Oh are you Mrs.-----?"

Mom:"yes, yes I am. It's for my daughter".

The woman goes towards the back and opens one of the cabinets and there was a cake there , that was reserved by us. The EM almost exploded.

EM: EXCUSE ME!, you said there were NO MORE cakes available you loving liar!!"

Employee: " Mam, no more AVAILABLE to sell cakes , this one was reserved to be picked up at 5 pm and two days ahead "

EM :turns to my mother, who is facing the employee.

EM: "Excuse ME! I was here FIRST and my daughter needs her birthday cake! She has been good and I want to treat my little princess!" She said. She turns at me and looks appalled, eyeing me up and down and waving her branches and tacky jewellery . " YOU are too OLD for a cake, its DISGUISING, this is for a child and her special day!" She kept highlight that she was here FIRST.

Me: " Are you deaf AND stupid? " , I asked her quiet bluntly. " We ordered it"

At that moment my mother's head turned in a iron fashion. You know that moment when someones body is deathly still and unflinching and only their neck moves to look directly into a direction? Like what owls do? Well that is what my mothers iron turn and stare had looked like . In the meanwhile the child was forming a tantrum, taking things and throwing them around from the counters across the bakery. Picking things out of her mothers cart and then chucking them onto the floor.

Calmly my mother asked EM, ignoring the child.

Mom: " Did you preorder it?"

EM: "No.. but"

Mom: " Did you buy it ,and I'm stealing it from your hands?"

EM: " You are! but NOT I Di-."

Mom: " Ill take that as an uneducated no...." she sais as Em's mouth felt somewhat crooket by the looks of it.

Mom: You need to also teach your child some manners and how to behave in a public space!"

EM: " Are you telling me HOW TO PAR---"

My mom turned to the child and bend down a little when she stopped throwing things and went back demanding, with a booming and commanding voice my mother yelled at her in a solid and powerful manner " SHUT- UP BRAT!"

The child shut down immediately. You should have seen her face, no panic or tears. Not even a glint of sadness or fear, only a deafening silence .Like a deer in headlight she looked at my mom in utter and soulless manner. Her face paled as my mothers voice resonated into her . EM was also shocked and silent.

Calmly my mother turned back to the employee and asked " Will that be 20 pounds?" with a smile. And the employee simply shook her head and thanked my mother for the purchase and for ordering it online as it made it easier.

The woman sets the cake onto the counter , and the EM starts reaching for it .

The EM reaches out and tries to grab it. Now that I think about it mumbling something along the lines of " This is insane!". In a defensive manner , my step fathers shoulder rose up to get in her way. I stepped harshly forward, as in the meantime I shuffled closer to her and my parents. You could now hear the muffled sniff of the girl but she was still and silent.

EM: " You FAT COW!" she yelled and stumbled back as I forceful stomped on her foot down, with all the force I could manage.

" You STEPPED ON ME!!" she yelled at me , and I just smiled

Me: " Oof, I sure did. Shouldn't have gotten in my way" . I said in a condescending way I suppose.

I smiled at her in an amused manner and my mother simply picked up the cake and did not even look at the woman. She turned to start walking away and EM tried to follow, but her limp made it hard and she simply gave up.

I could still hear the complaining about this behind us , but her child? No. not another word

The cake was delicious and this made it even sweeter.

# ? Apr 17, 2019 19:27

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

That story broke my brain. According to the comments, this is the brand of cake they were fighting over. I've never been to Waitrose, any UK people want to chime in on whether this cake is worth committing assault over?

# ? Apr 17, 2019 20:46

Air Skwirl: May 13, 2007; Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed shitposting.

It's a pretty cool looking cake. I could see a small child flipping out if they were promised one and not getting it. None of the rest seems likely.

# ? Apr 17, 2019 20:59

Aleph Null: Jun 10, 2008; You look very stressed; Tortured By Flan

hyperhazard posted:

That story broke my brain. According to the comments, this is the brand of cake they were fighting over. I've never been to Waitrose, any UK people want to chime in on whether this cake is worth committing assault over?

It looks DISGUISING to me.

# ? Apr 17, 2019 21:10

HopperUK: Apr 29, 2007; Why would an ambulance be leaving the hospital?

Was that written by an American trying to pretend to be from the UK or something? 'grossery store'? 'Mommy'? Or was it just edited into the loving house style of nonsense?

Waitrose is indeed overpriced. That is the only true thing in that whole pile of poo poo.

# ? Apr 17, 2019 21:23

Guilty: May 3, 2003; Ask me about how people having a bad reaction to MSG makes them racist, because I've never heard of gluten sensitivity

hyperhazard posted:

That story broke my brain. According to the comments, this is the brand of cake they were fighting over. I've never been to Waitrose, any UK people want to chime in on whether this cake is worth committing assault over?

I'm in the UK and waitrose is terribly mediocre. Also, in general, their baked goods are pretty flavorless, they always require something to boost it up.

But to be fair, outside of London the UK is quite grim so I can completely see someone committing assault over a flavorless sweet.

# ? Apr 17, 2019 21:40

NtotheTC: Dec 31, 2007

Guilty posted:

I'm in the UK and waitrose is terribly mediocre. Also, in general, their baked goods are pretty flavorless, they always require something to boost it up.

But to be fair, outside of London the UK is quite grim so I can completely see someone committing assault over a flavorless sweet.

That type of green food colouring will turn your poo green as well if consumed in large enough quantities just a heads up

# ? Apr 17, 2019 21:52

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

In my elementary school there was a bathroom with a gigantic light green poo poo permanently stuck to the bottom of one of the toilets. No matter how much or what you flushed, that almost teal log was just straight up welded to the bottom and everything else would just flush right past it. It was still there after I went to junior high. We called it the "pickle poop"

Well that's my story

# ? Apr 17, 2019 21:59

Raldikuk: Apr 7, 2006; I'm bad with money and I want that meatball!

NtotheTC posted:

That type of green food colouring will turn your poo green as well if consumed in large enough quantities just a heads up

Dang dawg I was already sold, you can stop selling me on it

# ? Apr 17, 2019 22:05

Guilty: May 3, 2003; Ask me about how people having a bad reaction to MSG makes them racist, because I've never heard of gluten sensitivity

NtotheTC posted:

That type of green food colouring will turn your poo green as well if consumed in large enough quantities just a heads up

Wish I was bougie enough for that rainbow poop

# ? Apr 17, 2019 23:47

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

NtotheTC posted:

That type of green food colouring will turn your poo green as well if consumed in large enough quantities just a heads up

The med students put methyl blue (or whatever it's) in pea soup and serve it to new students and then they piss blue it's very droll I hear.

I only associated with med students because they had a fridge full of spiritus fortis.

# ? Apr 17, 2019 23:49

Alien Sex Manual: Dec 14, 2010; is not a sandwich

NtotheTC posted:

That type of green food colouring will turn your poo green as well if consumed in large enough quantities just a heads up

Is that the same kind of food coloring as the purple coloring in ube junk food or Mt Dew Pitch Black that turns poo green? Because that owns.

# ? Apr 18, 2019 02:55

MrUnderbridge: Jun 25, 2011

My birthday cake since I was 10 has been a tie-dyed cake. Lots of food coloring, and that green is definitely poo poo that happened.

# ? Apr 18, 2019 10:42

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Eating a kilo of roast beetroot results in very alarming wee the next day.

# ? Apr 18, 2019 11:09

voiceless anal fricative: May 6, 2007

The more alarming thing is that you ate a kilo of roast beetroot.

# ? Apr 18, 2019 11:28

ghost emoji: Mar 11, 2016; oooOooOOOooh

When I was like four or five, pickled beets were one of my all time favorite foods. I once ate so many pickled beets that my poop turned a very vibrant fuchsia and my mom took me to the hospital.

# ? Apr 18, 2019 17:39

RNG: Jul 9, 2009

Edgar Allen Ho posted:

If you are in a mixed group during US team/canadian team NHL game it is the law to obnoxiously scream along to your anthem imo

I was at a Leafs/Hurricanes game a while back and the crowd was booing the Canadian national anthem almost loud enough to drown it out. Boy that was lovely.

# ? Apr 18, 2019 18:42

jobson groeth: May 17, 2018; by FactsAreUseless

# ? Apr 19, 2019 00:35

Garrand: Dec 28, 2012; Rhino, you did this to me!

Are there a bunch of missing tweets or something? Even for stdh that doesn't make any sense

# ? Apr 19, 2019 00:38

ToxicSlurpee: Nov 5, 2003; -=SEND HELP=-; Pillbug

ghost emoji posted:

When I was like four or five, pickled beets were one of my all time favorite foods. I once ate so many pickled beets that my poop turned a very vibrant fuchsia and my mom took me to the hospital.

Pickled beets is good food but yeah they make you dump out some very interesting colors when your body is done with them.

# ? Apr 19, 2019 00:44

jobson groeth: May 17, 2018; by FactsAreUseless

Garrand posted:

Are there a bunch of missing tweets or something? Even for stdh that doesn't make any sense

https://twitter.com/RubinReport/status/1118925456215027712

The only thing missing is a confirmation on tape that Rubin has carefully advised against doing.

# ? Apr 19, 2019 00:47

RoboRodent: Sep 19, 2012

RNG posted:

I was at a Leafs/Hurricanes game a while back and the crowd was booing the Canadian national anthem almost loud enough to drown it out. Boy that was lovely.

This is why the world hates America.

# ? Apr 19, 2019 00:52

TheMostFrench: Jul 12, 2009; Stop for me, it's the claw!

Garrand posted:

Are there a bunch of missing tweets or something? Even for stdh that doesn't make any sense

It reads to me like a professor in a 'critical thinking and logic' class told people not to attend a show because the presenter was spreading hate speech, but the professor has never actually seen any material from that person, they just heard they were spreading hate speech. I guess the person tweeting is annoyed because how can you teach critical thinking, then make an opinionated statement about material you've never actually seen? I don't know who any of these people are so maybe I'm missing something too.

# ? Apr 19, 2019 05:38

voiceless anal fricative: May 6, 2007

Whats difficult to understand about those tweets? I think there's a typo (it should say "I'm never taking this class again" instead of "teaching" I think?) but otherwise it's a pretty standard bs story about a radical sjw lefty professor being called out by a student who reveals the professor is irrationally and uncritically biased against facts and logic

voiceless anal fricative has a new favorite as of 06:13 on Apr 19, 2019

# ? Apr 19, 2019 06:07

Garrand: Dec 28, 2012; Rhino, you did this to me!

But no, the line says "the professor said 'because of people like you I'm never teaching this class again!'" It's explicitly the professor running away from the class for no discernible reason.

# ? Apr 19, 2019 06:21

voiceless anal fricative: May 6, 2007

Garrand posted:

But no, the line says "the professor said 'because of people like you I'm never teaching this class again!'" It's explicitly the professor running away from the class for no discernible reason.

Ah you're right. Then it's because a student challenged him and he's too fragile to deal with it

# ? Apr 19, 2019 06:42

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

ToxicSlurpee posted:

Pickled beets is good food but yeah they make you dump out some very interesting colors when your body is done with them.

I�m hot for you, baby. I�m a pickled beet.

# ? Apr 19, 2019 07:39

Stoatbringer: Sep 15, 2004; naw, you love it you little ho-bot

NtotheTC posted:

That type of green food colouring will turn your poo green as well if consumed in large enough quantities just a heads up

Challenge accepted, brb

# ? Apr 19, 2019 12:14

Jurgan: May 8, 2007; Just pour it directly into your gaping mouth-hole you decadent slut

bike tory posted:

Ah you're right. Then it's because a student challenged him and he's too fragile to deal with it

It�s a non-religious version of the Jack Chick tract where a biology professor quits the field because a student proves to him that evolution isn�t real. https://www.chick.com/products/tract?stk=0055

# ? Apr 19, 2019 14:31

Air Skwirl: May 13, 2007; Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed shitposting.

From the IOSM thread

grittyreboot posted:

https://twitter.com/PrisonPlanet/status/1119344672101552129?s=19

As someone said there, the least believable parts are, 1) Him going to a pub, and 2) him having a friend.

# ? Apr 20, 2019 00:50

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

burial posted:

I�m hot for you, baby. I�m a pickled beet.

Just so you know, I read this to the tune of Rob Zombie's "Superbeast."

If I had to do that, so does everyone else.

# ? Apr 20, 2019 01:55

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# ? May 25, 2024 17:36

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

That seems fair.

# ? Apr 20, 2019 02:29

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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