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hot sorcery posted:he has deleted his forums account & discord etc. and also was out of the house and his phone had died so he wasn’t responding to texts and when i tried to call it said the number was unavailable and everything.  HCT owns and I wish him the best, glad to hear he's OK.
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Mar 13, 2019 06:48
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hot sorcery posted:have you been able to get in touch with him? Nostalgia4Butts posted:ty for letting us know
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Mar 13, 2019 14:06
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I went home (Tampa) on Sunday. I was supposed to stay until Friday. I lasted until Tuesday before I changed my flight to Wednesday. While I was there, I realized that I don't have a single positive memory of that place, or of my childhood. Yeah, I scored a touchdown in a football game once. I had my first kiss. But I don't really have any impactful positive memories. Every memory I have is negative. My dad beating my mom and walking out on us. Getting molested. Us being so poor that we would go without lights for a day or two so my mom could get her paycheck. Being so ashamed of the trailer we lived in that I never told anyone where I lived. I never owned anything new until recently (I'm 31); everything was a hand-me-down. I didn't really have any friends growing up. On Friday nights when everyone would go to the mall, I would bounce from group to group, never really finding one that I fit in with. I began failing miserably in school. Then we moved away when I was 15. I went back when I was 19 and watched my grandmother waste away until she died. Then I got hooked on pills to the point where joining the army honestly had the added benefit of being a sort-of rehab for me. I tried to commit suicide when I was 25, in 2012. I moved back immediately after the army in 2014 and started losing my mind again. I've since gotten a lot better as far as my depression goes. I still live with it, but I don't want to hurl myself out of a window anymore. But I had a revelation when I was in Tampa driving around: I am a bad person. Not bad in the sense that I do bad or evil things. On the contrary I think I have a lot of good qualities. I am incredibly generous with my time. I can think very quick on my feet when it comes to problem solving. I work hard. But the qualities I bring to any type of relationship, be it friendship or otherwise, is where I have majorly hosed it up. It's just a chore to know me. It's a pain in the rear end to be my friend -- probably why I don't have any. I have the inability to accept things and people the way they are. If you are doing something in a way that I don't agree with, I get annoyed, even if what you are doing is perfectly acceptable -- it's not acceptable to me. I want everyone to fall into my same shade of gray. I want relationships to be dictated by my terms, not our terms, and definitely not your terms. My circle of friends is actually a straight line -- it starts at me and ends at Monty, with nothing in between. I am the reason. I have ruined every relationship I have ever had because I just can't compromise. My logic for why I want to do something a certain way, or why I feel a certain way, always seems 100% sound to me, If that is the case, why should I ever compromise if I am sure that I am 100% right? Maybe this is narcissism? I just need to learn, but I've been the way I am for so long that I honestly don't know how to be different other than just never saying anything, ever. When I get gassed up, I lose control of myself. At times I will have somewhat of an out of body experience, where I will be watching myself doing or saying something foolish, and I will not be able to intervene. I am lost to the moment and I can't see how my behavior is damaging my relationships with people. In hindsight, I always see how it was damaging, but you can only say "sorry" so many times before you push people away and have no one to say sorry to anymore. If I draw a map of my life, from birth until now, I can see how I became this way. It's a long line of lovely dominoes that cause me to be such a horrible person to know. Every domino that fell before entrenched me further. It may actually seem reasonable for me to be this way. My life has, by and large, been really loving lovely, and I have reacted accordingly. But I want to change. I'm not necessarily depressed about this revelation. I can't fix what I don't know needs to be fixed. I'm hoping I will be able to become a better person in light of this. I dunno, I'm just kind of rambling here.
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Mar 22, 2019 02:49
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You're just human dude. I think a bad person wouldn't have the introspection to look for those answers.
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Mar 22, 2019 03:01
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 That's all I can say man
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Mar 22, 2019 03:23
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And yet, Monty still loves you. Would Monty love a bad person? I doubt it.
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Mar 22, 2019 03:33
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As Wasabi said, introspection is good. Just reflecting inward and analyzing your actions is a good thing. Please don't be too critical of yourself, we are all human, and have flaws and challenges in life. The fact that you can express your issues and troubles is a great thing. One thing I've learned is there are people who are educated on these things and can help. Hoping you can find some folks to have a vent or a chat. I'd be happy to listen, or BS with you if you're so inclined. Hang in there man!
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Mar 22, 2019 04:01
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colachute posted:I went home (Tampa) on Sunday. I was supposed to stay until Friday. I lasted until Tuesday before I changed my flight to Wednesday. Dude. You are extremely trusting and yes generous. I had my issues with you but nothing that couldnt be solved with some communication and understanding. I'm still honored that I got to care for Monty while you were getting your legs under your new career. I may not be in your definition of a friend but I'd still answer your call to talk. And yeah I'm sorry I am a messy dude. I tried but I'm far from perfect. I'll always be your worse wingman.
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Mar 22, 2019 05:02
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Cole, I’ve essentially watched you grow up from a young soldier to the successful man you’ve become today thanks to these forums. Try not to be too critical of yourself, because you have come a long drat way and deserve to feel pride in all that you’ve done. I hope you get to feeling better, brother.
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Mar 22, 2019 16:17
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LtCol J. Krusinski posted:Cole, I’ve essentially watched you grow up from a young soldier to the successful man you’ve become today thanks to these forums. Try not to be too critical of yourself, because you have come a long drat way and deserve to feel pride in all that you’ve done.
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Mar 22, 2019 17:29
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I appreciate the kind words from everyone. I made a tough decision after my trip to Florida. I changed my number, my email address, and deleted all of my social media in an effort to cut everyone in my family off. I know it seems extreme, but they bum me out. They are incredibly negative and it just brings me down and causes me to be self deprecating. I still believe all of the things I said in my previous post: I have a lot of work to do. But now that I am back in a comfortable space and hanging with Monty, I realized that this is just the next step in my personal growth. I have come a LONG way in the last 6-7 years, and I shouldn't discount that.
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Mar 24, 2019 20:12
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Good view. Peace.
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Mar 24, 2019 20:14
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Good to hear, cole.
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Mar 24, 2019 22:13
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LtCol J. Krusinski posted:Good to hear, cole.
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Mar 26, 2019 04:53
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Guess who has two thumbs and talked to his doctor about tapering off from anti depressants?
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Mar 26, 2019 18:40
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ElMaligno posted:Guess who has two thumbs and talked to his doctor about tapering off from anti depressants? Woo hoo! Let’s go fishing!
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Mar 26, 2019 19:03
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Don't want to share this in the CE thread but just found out a friend of mine was killed in Afghanistan... I'm in total loving shock right now.
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Apr 9, 2019 15:02
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Handsome Ralph posted:Don't want to share this in the CE thread but just found out a friend of mine was killed in Afghanistan... gently caress im sorry dude
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Apr 9, 2019 15:05
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Sorry about that man...
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Apr 9, 2019 15:07
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Didn't know him super well, but every time we hung out he was cool guy to shoot the poo poo and drink beers with even if our views didn't match up. Knew him through my best man, they served together. My best man got out, he stayed in. His wife said he's devastated obviously, but he's spending the day with his other mutual friends from their unit and such. Dude was getting married in the fall too. God loving dammit.
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Apr 9, 2019 15:12
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Hey guys, don't know if any of you remember me. I was Bogard, but lost the credentials to that account a long time ago. I am doing OK, almost done with my obligation to the Army. Got stuck on a 4th deployment, this time to Iraq. I am a staff primary now. How I get thrown 4 back to back deployments in 5 years while others get none is completely beyond me. I haven't told my leadership yet about me putting in a refrad packet in yet. ...I have done rather well financially, have practically nothing physically to my name and am still driving my college car. But I am afraid I won't be able to find a job when I get out. One of the perks I got for being stuck in the military for so long is that I get the post 9/11 gi bill at year 7. I will be at year 6 next month. So I can hopefully use that to get a masters degree somewhere. I am so loving done with the military and the army in general. I am done working 16 to 18 hour days and getting piled on with extra poo poo because my leadership can't plan to save their lives and has people (i.e. me) working 2 to 3 different jobs at the same time. This unit and brigade are truly awful. 5 months to go till I get home. I never want to do this ever again.
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Apr 17, 2019 11:17
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Riggy posted:I am so loving done with the military and the army in general. I am done working 16 to 18 hour days and getting piled on with extra poo poo because my leadership can't plan to save their lives and has people (i.e. me) working 2 to 3 different jobs at the same time. One thing I have learned since recently finishing school and getting a big boy job: this part may not change depending on what profession. But I will say this: 18 bullshit civilian hours is way different than 18 bullshit army hours.
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Apr 17, 2019 12:14
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Getting out is a hell of a process. The transition back into normal life can be difficult and you can thank the military for not really having a program in place that helps deprogram you from the military's very specialised way of living.
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Apr 17, 2019 14:43
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colachute posted:One thing I have learned since recently finishing school and getting a big boy job: this part may not change depending on what profession. But I will say this: 18 bullshit civilian hours is way different than 18 bullshit army hours. Are you almost treated like a an adult human being with rights and not told to shut the gently caress up when things make no sense?
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Apr 17, 2019 21:58
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Riggy posted:Are you almost treated like a an adult human being with rights and not told to shut the gently caress up when things make no sense? Yeah, it's wild.You still might put up with bullshit hours (I was averaging 65 hours a week over the course of three months -- 80 hours a week towards the end -- but now I'm back to 40/wk). You're 99% guaranteed to run into incompetent management. But my worst day at my current job is still better than some of my best days in the army.
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Apr 17, 2019 22:12
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That’s great to hear Cole.
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Apr 17, 2019 22:26
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Riggy posted:Are you almost treated like a an adult human being with rights and not told to shut the gently caress up when things make no sense? Small people want to feel big everywhere. The army just has pay tables for it.
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Apr 18, 2019 00:04
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Riggy posted:But I am afraid I won't be able to find a job when I get out. One of the perks I got for being stuck in the military for so long is that I get the post 9/11 gi bill at year 7. I will be at year 6 next month. So I can hopefully use that to get a masters degree somewhere. If you are at all comfortable with the idea you might want to look into an IT-related degree. So much relies on computers that someone is always hiring and there are very very many things where you don't need to eal with customers or put up with shouty idiots. The job advice threads over at Serious Hardware/Software Crap are excellent.
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Apr 18, 2019 07:47
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Ataxerxes posted:If you are at all comfortable with the idea you might want to look into an IT-related degree. So much relies on computers that someone is always hiring and there are very very many things where you don't need to eal with customers or put up with shouty idiots. The job advice threads over at Serious Hardware/Software Crap are excellent. Seconding the IT field. Once you have the basics down, you can move into just about any position. The majority of the higher level jobs are either turbo nerd poo poo or more a process management thing. Until SkyNet takes over, the world will ALWAYS need IT guys and people who know how to manage them.
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Apr 18, 2019 18:44
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Man I've spent the last 12 years in IT. Get certs paid for at every chance. Doesn't matter if you loving hate it; I missed out on thousands not being certified in poo poo.
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Apr 19, 2019 08:19
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I am a Sigo, so getting certs shouldn't be that difficult once I get some free time. It is just that my command plays gently caress gently caress games 24/7, the plans officer quite clearly has brain damage but no one talks about it, the BC has an overinflated ego and is more concerned about looking good than actually taking care of anyone but himself. I sacrificed pre deployment leave to go to air assault school and freeze in December for no real reason, other than to get the badge and ensure that people won't bother me about it when we redeploy later this year. I will have around 50 days of use lose come September but probably can't get a chance to use them because of more big brained ideas from brigade. I loving hate forscom units and all this loving poo poo so much. rear end kissers get promoted while good, hard working officers get shafted over and over and over again with zero repercussions. gently caress you CPT Riggy, you get to deploy a 4th time while all your peers get the holidays and breaks and everything else you could possibly imagine because they have families and you do not. What do you mean you aren't happy? You should be honored to be a part of our team! Come to this ball on Saturday because we want to take even more of your time before you deploy for 280 days a month later!
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Apr 19, 2019 12:06
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Therapy still helps guys. Keep doing it. Had a great breakthrough today over something that bugged me for years, so feeling really lucky and invigorated.
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Apr 24, 2019 21:07
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Ive been having recurring nightmares. Always being back in Iraq, wondering how the gently caress i am going to tell my family. I feel guilty because I finally realized how illegal (from an international standpoint) that conflict was, and how I helped in that conflict. I keep thinking of the hundreds or thousands of people that died because of what I did. I understand that if it wasnt me, it would have been someone else. Even though I didnt pull the trigger, I supplied the ammo. That may seem like bullshit to some, its not to me. The more I read about the atrocities we commit, the more I feel pain. Really hard to concentrate in class or in general. I just feel lost sometimes. Aware that I cant change the past, but feel guilty about it non the less. I had never thought about what my actions may have contributed to.
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Apr 25, 2019 19:52
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bout to go to my shrink and delve into poo poo. i wanna keep it brief. edit: kept it to the personal stuff. very cathartic. LouisF fucked around with this message at 15:50 on Apr 30, 2019 |
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Apr 30, 2019 13:15
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Hey Soulex, I get it. I never served (they tried to pull a bait and switch and stick me in a lovely MOS), but I wound up as a civvy employee for DOD for a while. Knowing the impact even my small part had on hurting others is...hard to deal with sometimes. I might not have been a trigger-puller but some of the things I did were key to the trigger-pullers doing their jobs. The nightmares are mostly gone now, but I still feel lost most days. Like nothing I do matters, or nothing will make a difference. Hell, this forum is one of the only places I think I could find kindred spirits, or people who I can connect with at all, and I'm usually not sure if I'm even welcome to post here. I'm describing things badly, and maybe I shouldn't even post at all. I guess all I'm really trying to say is that when you feel lost, and when you feel scared and sad about the impact you may have had...you're not alone.
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Apr 30, 2019 16:34
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Its been a week since i have stoped using antidepresants, it feels good to live without their side effects. But i will never disparage them because they are the reason i was able to become less of a sad mess, meet my GF, who decided to live with me. Also the struggle is still real though. 
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Apr 30, 2019 17:30
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I feel very indifferent about my contribution to the US loving up in Afghanistan and I don’t ever really give it thought but hoooollllllyyyyy shiiiiiiit do I harbor a lot of resentment towards the military for ruining my life.
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Apr 30, 2019 17:38
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ElMaligno posted:Its been a week since i have stoped using antidepresants, it feels good to live without their side effects. But i will never disparage them because they are the reason i was able to become less of a sad mess, meet my GF, who decided to live with me. Congrats! I may have to increase the dose on mine soon. All the time, I can't shake the feeling that nobody really wants to be around me, that people are just tolerating me, etc. On good days, it's easy for me to write that off as my brain being full of BS, on bad days...not so much.
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Apr 30, 2019 18:14
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C2N14 posted:Congrats! I may have to increase the dose on mine soon. This has been me pretty much since I joined the military (reserves lol). Thinking about seeing a therapist when I get back from this "deployment" if my insurance doesn't make it grossly expensive. If I do I'll credit 80-90% of it to this forum and/or thread making me realize mental health is important and okay to address since the military still sucks at that.
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Apr 30, 2019 19:01
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ElMaligno posted:Its been a week since i have stoped using antidepresants, it feels good to live without their side effects. But i will never disparage them because they are the reason i was able to become less of a sad mess, meet my GF, who decided to live with me. congrats man. i stopped mine (with doc permission, natch) before the holidays and yeah. they were so goddamn helpful just getting me started and getting over that first hump of dealing with poo poo 
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May 1, 2019 02:27
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