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Pyrotoad posted:I was babysitting my nephew a while back, who's just a toddler, and while he was asleep he farted so loudly it woke him up and he started crying. The farts is strong with this one
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Mar 26, 2019 22:54
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Bonzo posted:https://nypost.com/2019/03/25/my-boss-farted-on-me-and-bullied-me-at-work-lawsuit/ lol I did this to some guys on a jobsite. Would just rip rear end when they were stuck somewhere so they were forced to deal with it My foreman told me "if you keep doing that, someone might kick your rear end" and my response was a "fbbbrrtttt" when he stopped talking
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Mar 26, 2019 23:29
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Pyrotoad posted:I was babysitting my nephew a while back, who's just a toddler, and while he was asleep he farted so loudly it woke him up and he started crying. I woke up myself up with a fart once that smelled vaguely like something burning, and the first thing I saw was the red glow from a power strip. I was briefly convinced that the room was on fire, and that was not a pleasant way to wake up.
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Mar 27, 2019 00:11
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Bonzo posted:https://nypost.com/2019/03/25/my-boss-farted-on-me-and-bullied-me-at-work-lawsuit/ Actually, if the lower court is upheld, we will have precedent to rely upon in the event we ever get called into HR for farting in a meeting. 
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Mar 27, 2019 01:23
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A few days ago I was running my usual 5k trail near my house and I felt a fart coming, I checked behind myself to see if anyone was coming but I guess not as well as I thought because right as I let out a long, loud whiny fart a guy on a bike rode past me, the entire time he was near me I was farting. It was only a couple seconds but that was as long as he was by me, that guy probably thinks I just walk around permafarting, all day every day.
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Mar 27, 2019 01:44
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empty whippet box posted:that guy probably thinks I just walk around permafarting, all day every day. 
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Mar 27, 2019 01:47
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empty whippet box posted:A few days ago I was running my usual 5k trail near my house and I felt a fart coming, I checked behind myself to see if anyone was coming but I guess not as well as I thought because right as I let out a long, loud whiny fart a guy on a bike rode past me, the entire time he was near me I was farting. It was only a couple seconds but that was as long as he was by me, that guy probably thinks I just walk around permafarting, all day every day. You don't?
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Mar 27, 2019 01:53
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Many years ago I went to DragonCon. I was sharing a hotel room with a bunch of dudes and one of them passed out drunk locked in the bathroom. I woke up and had to poo poo, so had to take the elevator down to use the restroom in the lobby. This was like 6 in the morning, so things were pretty quiet. I had the elevator all to myself so I was just ripping the rudest farts in there. Then the elevator stopped and George Takei walked in (presumably to due some morning jogging based on his tiny short shorts). We just rode down to the lobby in silence with Captain Sulu huffing my farts without saying a word. That's my fart story.
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Mar 27, 2019 03:38
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Curly Shuffle posted:Many years ago I went to DragonCon. I was sharing a hotel room with a bunch of dudes and one of them passed out drunk locked in the bathroom. I woke up and had to poo poo, so had to take the elevator down to use the restroom in the lobby. This was like 6 in the morning, so things were pretty quiet. I had the elevator all to myself so I was just ripping the rudest farts in there. Then the elevator stopped and George Takei walked in (presumably to due some morning jogging based on his tiny short shorts). We just rode down to the lobby in silence with Captain Sulu huffing my farts without saying a word. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq3W4FoqKW4
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Mar 27, 2019 03:55
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Curly Shuffle posted:Many years ago I went to DragonCon. I was sharing a hotel room with a bunch of dudes and one of them passed out drunk locked in the bathroom. I woke up and had to poo poo, so had to take the elevator down to use the restroom in the lobby. This was like 6 in the morning, so things were pretty quiet. I had the elevator all to myself so I was just ripping the rudest farts in there. Then the elevator stopped and George Takei walked in (presumably to due some morning jogging based on his tiny short shorts). We just rode down to the lobby in silence with Captain Sulu huffing my farts without saying a word. Oh, my. efb ee: I feel like Shatner probably has worse farts than you ever did. He just has this look on his face that tells you he's a stank loving farter.
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Mar 27, 2019 13:38
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Curly Shuffle posted:Many years ago I went to DragonCon. I was sharing a hotel room with a bunch of dudes and one of them passed out drunk locked in the bathroom. I woke up and had to poo poo, so had to take the elevator down to use the restroom in the lobby. This was like 6 in the morning, so things were pretty quiet. I had the elevator all to myself so I was just ripping the rudest farts in there. Then the elevator stopped and George Takei walked in (presumably to due some morning jogging based on his tiny short shorts). We just rode down to the lobby in silence with Captain Sulu huffing my farts without saying a word. Welp, today is the day where my Howard Stern Show knowledge can be used! George Takei has made many appearances on the Stern Show over the years and he's quite open about living as a gay man for decades. He's also a very horny, dirty old man (Google George Takei bachelor party for proof). He told story about being on "I'm a Celebrity. Get Me Outta Here" in the UK and that he would go to the outhouses to jack off. Artie Lange commented about how could someone jack off when all they can smell is poo poo and piss.. George replied that he was used to it from all the time he spent having anonymous sex in gay bathhouses. So Goon, you may have given Sulu a bit of a morning chub.
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Mar 27, 2019 14:35
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This thread has been entertaining as hell so here's one from me. I used to be a mechanic that worked at shops specializing in building race cars. This is important for two reasons. First, I did the dyno tuning. This is where you strap a car to what is effectively a treadmill to test it. Second, race cars are built to fit their drivers. I'm not a small person. If a skinny person wants their car tuned I'm going to wear their car like a 30 year old in their jeans from highschool. I don't remember the specifics of the car. All I remember was that it was a hot summer day, the owner was skinny, and it had a tiny racing seat. Imagine being stuffed into a wingback chair made of aluminum for someone half your size. I shut the car off to let it cool down and realize I've got to let one rip. Idgaf and do. Most of it forces it's way out through the tiny channel under my legs... Most of it. Some starts it's journey heading up the small of my back. And stops cold. I shift a little. It moves a little. You ever squeezed an air bubble out from under a screen protector? It popped out at my shoulder and I had to suffer my shame alone. Edit: imagine the shower wall fart but instead sweaty as gently caress and sitting in this. https://www.summitracing.com/parts/...AyABEgJSufD_BwE honda whisperer fucked around with this message at 02:54 on Apr 17, 2019 |
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Apr 17, 2019 02:49
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one time when I was a kid of probably like 7 or 8, I was taking a forced nap. My brother and I had adjoining rooms, he was also napping. At some point early into it, I realize I have to fart. I lay on my back and point my rear end straight up in the air and just let it rip. The loudest, classical *brraaaaaap* emanated from my rear end for about 20 seconds straight. I was completely silent afterwards, and then I heard my brother in the next room just start dying with laughter, and then I did the same thing. I've yet to top that fart and I'm 33 now.
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Apr 17, 2019 03:54
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Picture a rough night's sleep after a lovely salmon casserole and a few glasses of Red. I arise from bed about 05:30 and stagger to the kitchen to make the morning cups of tea. The kettle is on, and I shuffle back to the bedroom to rouse the better half for another day of wrangling the children for school. On the way, I start to lay a toxic miasma that puts DDT and Agent Orange to shame. The sound is like ripping wet leather apart. It lasted about 7 seconds. A muffled giggle is heard from the boy's bedroom. I tell them to get up and get ready for school. After I've entered our bedroom, we hear a startled gasp and gagging. They have walked into a fog you need a knife and fork to cut into. They thought the original concept of the fart was amusing until they actually walked into the nasty wall of stink. I let out a chuckle and tell my partner. She laughed and started to get out of bed. I hit the shower and start to get ready for work. Showered and dressed, I exit the bedroom and get hit by a shoe. That nasty had lasted about 20 minutes and stank the whole house out courtesy of the airconditioners. The shoe was my partners and she was not impressed. We normally exchange gaseous communications with humour, but this bastard nearly caused a divorce.
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Apr 23, 2019 11:47
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I read this in Winston Churchill's voice.
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Apr 24, 2019 03:34
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honda whisperer posted:This thread has been entertaining as hell so here's one from me. I've done that but(t) the fart was caught between my buttcheeks. Trying to get it to completely release was like trying to coax the cat out from under the bed after it got startled. sativa dreams posted:one time when I was a kid of probably like 7 or 8, I was taking a forced nap. My brother and I had adjoining rooms, he was also napping. At some point early into it, I realize I have to fart. I lay on my back and point my rear end straight up in the air and just let it rip. The loudest, classical *brraaaaaap* emanated from my rear end for about 20 seconds straight. I was completely silent afterwards, and then I heard my brother in the next room just start dying with laughter, and then I did the same thing. I've yet to top that fart and I'm 33 now. Dang, peaked early
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Apr 24, 2019 06:56
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Io, Gary fans! No poot stories from me at the moment, but I do come bearing utter silliness and the Creme de la Crap of lowbrow: Dog Snack. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2muoJVgoHQ 10 sets of shorts of a dude, a dog, and lots of farts.
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Apr 25, 2019 21:14
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The other day I was gassy as all get-out, and was trying to be slick about letting them rip. I let one go, but I miscalculated badly, and instead of silent, a low mournful bellow went on for a good six seconds. I knew I was caught. I excused myself. My boyfriend looked confused. 'Huh?' 'You didn't hear that?' 'I thought that was from outside!' I laughed for about two minutes straight, and then he clarified: 'It sounded like a distant horn!' I have no idea why, but drat I couldn't stop laughing at his reaction.
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Apr 26, 2019 04:01
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Someone on this train is releasing nostril-burning, slowly-expanding, tangibly beefy farts, and tbh I'm this close to finding the culprit and suffocating them in a bag of their own eruptions.
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May 12, 2019 19:10
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:Someone on this train is releasing nostril-burning, slowly-expanding, tangibly beefy farts, and tbh I'm this close to finding the culprit and suffocating them in a bag of their own eruptions. Godspeed, Inspector
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May 12, 2019 19:40
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"tangibly beefy farts" has got to be the most hilarious and disgusting description I've ever heard
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May 12, 2019 19:51
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I'm pup sitting for a friend at the moment and this abomination farts in his sleep so badly it wakes me up from the raw stench. The culprit: 
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May 12, 2019 21:29
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Roundup Ready posted:I'm pup sitting for a friend at the moment and this abomination farts in his sleep so badly it wakes me up from the raw stench. That dog looks like it could conjure up a powerful fury of rancid farts.
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May 12, 2019 22:36
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Every dog can do that.
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May 12, 2019 22:43
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Roundup Ready posted:The farts is strong with this one My wife says I fart in my sleep so loudly that it wakes her up and makes her cry.
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May 12, 2019 22:48
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ultrafilter posted:Every dog can do that. True but that one looks especially qualified.
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May 12, 2019 22:51
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Trast posted:True but that one looks especially qualified. Can confirm E: bonus picture of said fart machine 
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May 12, 2019 23:11
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Oh yay, this thread has returned  A couple of weeks ago, my coworker and I were driving to our latest work order at one of our sites. He was driving, and I was the passenger in the ol' Chevy Express van. Yeah, it's a cargo van with a partition separating the cabin from the cargo area, and it's pretty much airtight. Now, we both have farted in this van a lot. I mean, a lot. It would be a shame not to fart in each other's presence as my very first fart story in this thread would attest to. I'm quite surprised the seats in this van aren't discolored or blown out with the years of butt blasts that have been singed into them. Oh, those poor, poor van seats *shakes head somberly and tsk tsks* Anyway, we had just passed through a construction zone where the city was laying new sewer pipes. There was surprisingly no odor around because I guess they hadn't dipped into the old pipes and the actual poo poo river yet, but at that moment, I felt a stink cloud banging at the door, and I had to let it out. It was a good ten second silent "PFFFFFFFFFFF"-er that was immediately absorbed into that rotten van seat. Or so I thought. I think that seat just gave up on smell filtering, like a sentient being that concluded it didn't want to live anymore and just gave up completely to die. the effluvium somehow escaped and wreaked rancid havoc to that confined cabin space, but I didn't say a word. Just then, my coworker turns to me and says, "drat, are they backfilling those pipes with piles of poo poo?" I loving lost it and told him through the gasps of air in between laughs that I had just SBD'd. Then he lost it. It was a good work day.
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May 12, 2019 23:30
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akma posted:My wife says I fart in my sleep so loudly that it wakes her up and makes her cry. Whether or not this is poignant depends on what kind of crying it is. On first read, I feel really bad for her.
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May 12, 2019 23:41
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I once farted in my girlfriend’s car and it literally didn’t leave for days. She had to get it detailed because she kept dry-heaving on the way to work. Didn’t know I had it in me.
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May 13, 2019 00:55
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Robokomodo posted:I once farted in my girlfriend’s car and it literally didn’t leave for days. She had to get it detailed because she kept dry-heaving on the way to work. I pulled one of those on myself today. I farted as I was pulling in to the neighborhood where I was visiting and it was raining so I couldn't open the windows. Got back in the car two hours later and wondered if I had forgotten some groceries in there for a bit before I remembered. It was only lightly raining so I drove with the windows cracked until I got to the highway.
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May 13, 2019 01:01
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Pyrotoad posted:I was babysitting my nephew a while back, who's just a toddler, and while he was asleep he farted so loudly it woke him up and he started crying. My cat just pulled the same trick a few days ago, except hers was so stinky it drove her crazy for like five minutes trying to figure out what the stench ghost was
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May 13, 2019 01:36
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Antivehicular posted:My cat just pulled the same trick a few days ago, except hers was so stinky it drove her crazy for like five minutes trying to figure out what the stench ghost was My cat has only sharted himself awake. That's not nearly as funny.
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May 13, 2019 01:43
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I had just gotten home from school before heading to work. It had been a long day with Calculus getting increasingly difficult with a pitiless teacher and friends fighting with each other. Typical teenager stuff, but still frustrating at the time. I just wanted a soda and to be chill until i left for work. We lived in a split level home. As I was halfway up the stairs to the kitchen after walking through the door, my dad pivoted around the corner holding my infant half-brother. "Hey, krinkle, yer brother's got somethin' for ya!" My dad then spins said brother around just in time for me to get serenaded by wee rusty butt trumpet right in the face. The aroma of spoiled baby puree quickly followed suit. Having been thus assaulted, I abandoned getting a soda and just went downstairs to my room instead. I to this day have no idea how my dad timed it, but looking back: godsdamn if it's not impressive.
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May 13, 2019 07:34
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It turns out the vast majority of cultures have an analogue of that story.
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May 13, 2019 09:05
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krinklechip posted:I had just gotten home from school before heading to work. It had been a long day with Calculus getting increasingly difficult with a pitiless teacher and friends fighting with each other. Typical teenager stuff, but still frustrating at the time. I just wanted a soda and to be chill until i left for work. lol goddam is your brother proud of being an accomplice to that
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May 13, 2019 09:55
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Wamdoodle posted:lol goddam is your brother proud of being an accomplice to that You'd think, right? The faja definitely is and the sister (rightfully) busts up whenever it's mentioned. The brother, being barely 18 and just starting dating, is MORTIFIED by any bodily functions, let alone his own past ones. ...so being horrible family members, we bring it up at least once a month.
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May 13, 2019 21:38
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Fart enthusiast Tom Segura caught his mom in the act recently. It ran on for about ten seconds! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja6VXwml7gM&t=367s "You're not my son anymore"
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Jun 2, 2019 00:49
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Lmao. Pretty good
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Jun 2, 2019 08:57
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Everslain posted:Fart enthusiast Tom Segura caught his mom in the act recently. It ran on for about ten seconds! Top Dog (his dad) is the best. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzUsFdqNOZ8 Kak fucked around with this message at 09:57 on Jun 2, 2019 |
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Jun 2, 2019 09:55
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