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honda whisperer posted:This thread has been entertaining as hell so here's one from me. Sounds like you need to stop wearing latex gimp suits at work
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Jun 3, 2019 11:34
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I did a fart so loud and mighty it sounded like a shotgun going off. One fast sharp BANG, straight from my poop-chute. People screamed and fell to the floor and an old man with PTSD started crying. ----------------
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Jun 3, 2019 13:34
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Everslain posted:Fart enthusiast Tom Segura caught his mom in the act recently. It ran on for about ten seconds! Holy! Was she holding it all in for a week or something? That's a huge fart for a small woman.
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Jun 3, 2019 13:38
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Big things come in small packages
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Jun 3, 2019 17:31
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Burnt Dick posted:Sounds like you need to stop wearing latex gimp suits at work no immortalyawn posted:I did a fart so loud and mighty it sounded like a shotgun going off. One fast sharp BANG, straight from my poop-chute. no fukkin way
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Jun 3, 2019 17:38
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Bonzo posted:Holy! The way he talked about his mom over the years, I always assumed she was a bigger lady, but its even funnier because she's so small. Apparently she farts like this all the time and he's been trying for years to get a recording of it. He had to pay for her to go to vegas with a friend, and have gambling money, so that she'd agree for him to put it up. Totally worth it imo.
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Jun 3, 2019 18:08
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Super Waffle posted:"tangibly beefy farts" has got to be the most hilarious and disgusting description I've ever heard immortalyawn posted:I did a fart so loud and mighty it sounded like a shotgun going off. One fast sharp BANG, straight from my poopchute. I had been a bit constipated from switching my meds/hospital food this morning, and decided to remedy that in the mens restroom. There were folks washing up, shaving (we dont keep the blades), brushing teeth, etc. Just normal morning stuff. I took a seat on my iron throne and started pushing. I pushed so hard I was scared of pulling a Presley, and told myself to try one last time. I finally felt some movement and bore down fast. Turned out to be a quantum turd. It left my rear end at 0.4 c and not only splashed enough to drench my gluteus and legs, but sounded like a gunshot with one bullet. It was so loud that 3 (three) nurses came running in thinking someone smuggled in a gun. After everything settled down they told us to quit acting like children and finish up to go to breakfast. It was a no-wipe masterpiece. And the toilet was empty. Either it wasnt real or it came out so fast it went straight down the pipe. At breakfast it was like a swamp. Nobody clapped. Everybody tried to squeeze one out in solidarity and several people sharted. One of the pharmacists slipped me a note to talk to my MD about fiber supplements.
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Jun 16, 2019 17:21
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DerekSmartymans posted:GBS: Either it wasnt real or it came out so fast it went straight down the pipe.
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Jun 16, 2019 17:37
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In high school we were driving back from a small town field party, because we are hicks. It was early morning and we were all hungover as hell. I was sandwiched in the middle of the back seat and I had been dealing with stomach issues all night that were giving me some rancid farts. Bad, but nothing like what I was about to unleash that morning. What came out of my rear end was so foul that the driver had to pull over to the side of the highway. The doors were thrown open on all sides and my friends spilled out of the car. Only one guy out of 4 didn't puke in the ditch
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Jun 16, 2019 18:39
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sweet thursday posted:In high school we were driving back from a small town field party, because we are hicks. It was early morning and we were all hungover as hell. I was sandwiched in the middle of the back seat and I had been dealing with stomach issues all night that were giving me some rancid farts. Bad, but nothing like what I was about to unleash that morning. Was that one person you? Because if you made yourself puke from your own malodorous buttocks effluvium, then loving bravo 
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Jun 16, 2019 19:05
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You Are A Elf posted:Was that one person you? Because if you made yourself puke from your own malodorous buttocks effluvium, then loving bravo I was standing behind them laughing
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Jun 16, 2019 19:07
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIX78crl8Ps
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Jun 16, 2019 19:45
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Burnt Dick posted:Sounds like you need to stop wearing latex gimp suits at work It was a latex gimp suit but aluminum and a car seat. Usually when you climb into one it's fun and exciting. This time was uncomfortable and full of shame.
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Jun 16, 2019 23:46
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honda whisperer posted:This time was uncomfortable and full of shame. and farts.
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Jun 17, 2019 00:54
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Kerbtree posted:and farts. Oh man you cracked the code.
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Jun 17, 2019 01:24
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Years ago my friend and I were kind of learning to cook together and we had been putting spices the other person hasn't smelled before in our hands so they could take a sniff.... He was Asian and we both cooked with spices the other want familiar with. Unfortunately for him I had sbd'd into my hand. I said here smell this one, and he took in a huge breath then doubled over coughing. I could not stop laughing I figured he would just take a slight sniff but he sucked a lungful of my fart into his lungs. He never trusted me again and I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.
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Jun 17, 2019 07:12
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once my friend farted and it sounded like a haunted house door creaking open from one of those halloween sound effects CDs you buy at dollar general. i swear it was like fifteen seconds long.
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Jun 17, 2019 08:22
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Necros posted:once my friend farted and it sounded like a haunted house door creaking open from one of those halloween sound effects CDs you buy at dollar general. i swear it was like fifteen seconds long. did you record it? lots of money in halloween sound effect cassette tapes these days
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Jun 17, 2019 09:47
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When you're at work And you've been holding a poo all day And, theoretically, you can only really poop in one place because otherwise you will have no privacy And the nuggets are broken up by fart pockets So you're in there for a long time going PLOP *pthbbpt* PLOP *pthbbpt* PLOP *pthbbpt* Anyways, good end to a Monday workday, if not for the fact that three people have heard me doing this...
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Jun 17, 2019 15:40
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no pubes yet sorry posted:did you record it? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3cuPVaZyUY
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Jun 17, 2019 15:45
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My wife and I were in Prague a few weeks ago and we were walking past this Czech prostitute smoking a cigarette and talking on her phone. She was facing the other way and maybe didnt see us, so as were passing her she lets loose a big nasty fart. My wife of course thinks its me and she punches me in the arm. Shame it wasnt me because that a pretty decent fart. Nice job, Czech hooker.
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Jun 17, 2019 16:19
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When I was in 4th grade, we had mandatory music classes. Pretty basic stuff, like they tried to teach us to read sheet music but apart from that it was pretty much just a chance to play with instruments and listen to music. I was pretty thrilled by the idea of getting to play with an instrument, but I hated singing. I've got a pretty distinctive voice and various music teachers tried to get me to sing based on that the entire time I was in primary school, at least until they realized I have an okay sense of rhythm at best and I'm completely tone deaf. This particular class was one of those times; everyone else got an instrument to play with but I was assigned to the small group of kids who were supposed to sing. I asked "wait, don't I get an instrument", to which the teacher responded "your voice is your instrument!" which sounded like total horseshit to me. After that the teacher took some time trying to get the class quiet, as you might imagine is necessary when you've just handed a bunch of 10-11 year olds instruments. Finally she had everyone under control -- the room was dead silent, just waiting for the music to start. At this point I ripped the most acoustically perfect fart of my entire life. Not too short, not too long, not a dry whistle or a gross wet noise, but right in that robust-sounding middle ground, like a fart out of a sound bank for cartoons and comedies. I found my instrument all right, and it wasn't my voice. 
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Jun 17, 2019 18:19
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Tiniest girl in my grade 7 class last year accidentally let one rip. We were in the middle of a science class and they were testing their mousetrap racers. She walked to the middle of the room to retrieve hers, squatted down, and let rip a fart that reverberated off the tile floor and off the brick walls of the room. The whole class just stood there silently, looking at her. She said "excuse me" and went back to the starting line. I was sure she was going to cry or run out of the room super-embarrassed, but she just got a little red in the cheeks and "walked it off".
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Jun 17, 2019 21:55
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Speaking as a father of four children, I can tell you all that one of the primary signs of an infant graduating from baby to toddler is the ability to find farts humourous. Farts become funny some time between your first and your second birthday (and, well, basically never stop being funny). (All four kids have had "fart" as one of the first few words in their active vocabulary.)
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Jun 18, 2019 14:59
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chitoryu12 posted:TIFU by teaching middle schoolers the art of "The Cycle" so now they know how to fart on command. crosspost from r/relationships thread about a forbidden technique.
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Jun 18, 2019 17:03
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I didnt fart in front of my girlfriend for 3 years. Not once. One day last year while she was in the bathroom I let out the loudest sound to ever come out of my body. Like I had been saving gas for 3 years. She runs into the room like I had fallen off the couch. I never laughed so hard in my life. It was life changing and now farts are funny again.
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Jun 18, 2019 19:06
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Motherfucker posted:crosspost from r/relationships thread about a forbidden technique. the real pros are mr methane and will the farter who can somehow suck air into their rear end and fart it back out
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Jun 18, 2019 19:11
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Kak posted:the real pros are mr methane and will the farter who can somehow suck air into their rear end and fart it back out or the original master https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_P%C3%A9tomane
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Jun 18, 2019 19:13
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Kak posted:the real pros are mr methane and will the farter who can somehow suck air into their rear end and fart it back out Lol. I completely forgot about that. I was able to do that when I was a kid. Id terrorize my sister after school every day.
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Jun 18, 2019 19:20
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Robokomodo posted:I didnt fart in front of my girlfriend for 3 years. Not once. One day last year while she was in the bathroom I let out the loudest sound to ever come out of my body. Like I had been saving gas for 3 years. She runs into the room like I had fallen off the couch. I never laughed so hard in my life. It was life changing and now farts are funny again. Thats impressive. Im pretty sure my wife and I were shredding rear end in front of each other and laughing about it by the third date.
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Jun 18, 2019 19:34
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Kak posted:the real pros are mr methane and will the farter who can somehow suck air into their rear end and fart it back out I rewatched "JackAss 3" recently and was overjoyed to see Will ripping rear end into trumpet. An amazing talent.
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Jun 18, 2019 23:45
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This week's episode of the Science Vs. Podcast talked about the assassination of US President Garfield in 1881. Medical science was poo poo back then and he basically had a massive blood infection from being shot in the back. His body was producing buckets of pus and eventually he got a sore on his mouth and could not eat. One of the ways they tried to feed him was up the butt. A doctor made a "food enema" that consisted of beef bullion and eggs. They said the farts were so loud and smelly that no one would go near him.
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Jun 19, 2019 12:36
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I made the mistake of telling my wife what a Dutch oven is. She's tried to Dutch oven me every time she farts in bed ever since, and we've been together over 15 years now.
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Jun 19, 2019 13:34
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Bonzo posted:This week's episode of the Science Vs. Podcast talked about the assassination of US President Garfield in 1881. Medical science was poo poo back then and he basically had a massive blood infection from being shot in the back. His body was producing buckets of pus and eventually he got a sore on his mouth and could not eat. Sir the president can no longer eat. Put the food up his butt lmao
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Jun 19, 2019 14:58
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:Sir the president can no longer eat. I know, right? We make fun of science back then but I can guarantee you there's a facebook group or tumblr for this same drat thing.
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Jun 19, 2019 15:06
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Bonzo posted:This week's episode of the Science Vs. Podcast talked about the assassination of US President Garfield in 1881. Medical science was poo poo back then and he basically had a massive blood infection from being shot in the back. His body was producing buckets of pus and eventually he got a sore on his mouth and could not eat. Man, I always felt a bit bad for ol' Garfield. First he's shot in the back because some li'l bitch got butthurt he wasn't going to give him a job. Then the doctor is digging around in the wound with his unwashed hands, letting other doctors have a go too why not, spends months dying from sepsis riddled with abscesses, and was forced to marinate in his own farts during his end days because the doctors resorted to nutrient enemas. Poor bastard spent 79 days dying, his body and farts becoming increasingly septic.
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Jun 19, 2019 16:28
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LadyPictureShow posted:Man, I always felt a bit bad for ol' Garfield. First he's shot in the back because some li'l bitch got butthurt he wasn't going to give him a job. Then the doctor is digging around in the wound with his unwashed hands, letting other doctors have a go too why not, spends months dying from sepsis riddled with abscesses, and was forced to marinate in his own farts during his end days because the doctors resorted to nutrient enemas. lol he died on a Monday. Classic Garfield
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Jun 20, 2019 21:24
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LadyPictureShow posted:Man, I always felt a bit bad for ol' Garfield. First he's shot in the back because some li'l bitch got butthurt he wasn't going to give him a job. Then the doctor is digging around in the wound with his unwashed hands, letting other doctors have a go too why not, spends months dying from sepsis riddled with abscesses, and was forced to marinate in his own farts during his end days because the doctors resorted to nutrient enemas. christmas boots posted:lol he died on a Monday. Classic Garfield OH MY loving GOD
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Jun 20, 2019 22:26
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christmas boots posted:lol he died on a Monday. Classic Garfield You ever just read one of those posts that... well, makes you think Fleta Mcgurn posted:OH MY loving GOD
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Jun 20, 2019 23:40
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Jun 21, 2019 01:08
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