quote:

My life is abject misery.

To just come right out with it, I'm 20 and still a virgin. I also have never been on a date, had anyone interested in me or attracted to me, or had even my first kiss. Yes I'm very much aware of how pathetic this is. Believe me it is not for lack of trying. But I'm cursed with having no social skills naturally, so I've had to learn them from research and youtube videos.

The problem is that can smell it from miles away. They know I'm faking. They know I'm secretly a socially disabled loser even when I'm behaving according to the social norms I've taken care to learn. There is no way to fool them. It's like they come with a built in freak-detecting radar that automatically repels them from any guy who's not either suave and cocky, or impossibly good-looking. So I'm poo poo out of luck because I'm short with a thin lanky build (I do work out to try to gain muscle), and my facial features I used to think were average and didn't care, but now I realize they're just downright ugly (negative canthal tilt and retruded maxilla being the most obvious). On my occasional good days I'd be seen as a 3/10. I may as well be deformed. There's very little difference apparently.

What I've learned is that if you're a guy like me with inferior genetics, will treat you as a subhuman. People act like as long as those guys have a good personality, will still magically be interested. But I don't know anyone like me who's had that experience. themselves claim it, my sisters and a couple friends in the past said I "just need to find a girl who likes me for who I am." Those girls don't exist so far. Even those "friends" haven't talked to me in months. They don't respond to any of my messages. And yes of course I've tried dating apps. Everyone I start talking to on them just gives one-word replies, if they even deign to reply at all. A one-word reply from a is a death sentence. You instantly know how worthless they've deemed you. They then quickly stop responding unless I put them on the spot, so online dating is useless for men like me. Then in real life all the around me either have no idea I exist, or they sneer at me, tittering away in their little cliques about how I'm "creepy" because of my poo poo genetics as if I have any loving control over how I was born. It goes to show how the sheer sight of someone with my looks is revolting in a basic evolutionary way.

I am reviled by , detested, scorned. They look at me and see a disgusting repulsive freak. I see how they snicker behind my back with disdain in their cold, dead eyes. They don't even care if I know what they think of me, that's how inferior I am, the unconcealed vitriol practically oozes from their pores. And yet then they'll give me two-faced platitudes like "aww but you're a great guy, you'll find someone, just be yourself!" If I'm so great why would I deserve this pitiful treatment? They're either lying hypocrites (but why? they don't care if I know their true feelings about me so why bother faking kindness), or it's true that looks don't matter and only character is what attracts women (so why am I a failure with women but douchey frat and football bros who look like Brad Pitt get a never-ending supply of sex from any and all chicks they want?) Even the fake plastic bimbos who’ll gently caress anything with a penis think I’M the inferior specimen here.

Or, and this could just as easily be it, I just simply don't grasp psychology and never will. This cryptic way of communicating they have where they say one thing but then act a completely different way towards me makes it impossible for me to understand the workings of the mind. If I can't learn their rules then how can I ever play the game right.

I want to emphasize that I am not simply giving up without trying. I really have tried to decipher whatever secret code might lie behind their erratic behavior. I have notebooks I've kept since high school wherein I've written extensively about my interactions with women. I write about almost every exchange I have no matter how seemingly mundane. When I record I make detailed notes on everything they said and did, as well as their possible motives and my interpretations. I observe behavior in general too, just being out in public and objectively paying attention without being personally involved. In fact I make sure to go out almost every weekend and just sit for a while in a public area and record everything the in the area are doing, especially when they're interacting with men. Afterwards I sometimes spend hours analyzing the situations. Sometimes I film too so I can rewatch it later and see how accurately my observations matched the reality. None of these studies have helped me change anything. It just goes nowhere, they remain totally inscrutable, and I'm as clueless as ever.

All of this poo poo has gone on for my entire life. There are days I can barely concentrate at school due to their continual manipulation of my mind. I don’t know how much longer I can endure the suffering they put me through. I used to think about getting myself chemically castrated to just get relief from the biological need for sexual companionship that drives me to even care what think of me. But no, I refuse to give them my manhood, that’s exactly what they want.

Now since I’m a highly logical person I need to mention the caveat which is that it's possible that so far in my life, I've only encountered one particular "breed" of so to speak, and there's others somewhere out there who aren't so fickle and shallow. I hope this is true. But if I never meet them, then what is the point. So in the meantime, I would appreciate any insight about why the I've met throughout my life treat me the way I've described. Thanks for reading.

(And PS, since lurking around here are no doubt judging me and cackling to themselves reading this, let me just set some facts straight. I know imagining me as an obese neckbeard loser just living in my mom’s basement playing video games all day makes me easier to hate, but I’m in college with a 3.7 GPA and a part time job for the past two years. I live in an apartment off campus with two roommates and contribute my share of rent and bills. I shave, shower regularly, go to the gym regularly, eat a healthy diet. There is never a day I don’t go outside. Oh and guess what: I have friends. They even invite me to parties! So much for feminist stereotypes, right?)

TL;DR despise me. I've never had sex or kissed or had any type of relationship, because they instantly sense my social awkwardness and I have zero value looks-wise. I was doomed from the start. They loathe me. None of the tips I've learned on how to socialize and attract ever pay off. They also act totally contradictory by saying I'm a good guy and will find someone who likes me, but then treat me as less than dirt, either ignoring me or gossiping about me. It makes no sense and I'm frustrated. Please help me figure out what this means, I can't interpret behavior no matter how much I try because it's so complicated. It's like trying to understand an alien language. How do even loving work? I'm sick of being nothing but a hideous pariah under the gaze.