/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

The Tinkling of the Telltale Dong.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 22:40

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# ? May 29, 2024 02:47

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

in the comments she states that no one is ever allowed to lock the bathroom door because the sister’s bathroom control abilities are “frail”

wait so if someone is in there taking a poo poo and the sister runs in do they just try to pinch it off or does she poo poo between their legs or what?

leaving the door unlocked doesn't seem to solve any of these problems, only worsen them

# ? Jun 28, 2019 22:40

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

hawowanlawow posted:

wait so if someone is in there taking a poo poo and the sister runs in do they just try to pinch it off or does she poo poo between their legs or what?

leaving the door unlocked doesn't seem to solve any of these problems, only worsen them

You can tell if someone�s taking a poo poo in there because it makes the Yoshi egg noise

# ? Jun 28, 2019 22:46

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

Taking a poo poo has to be automatically higher priority than the hierarchy. Stop being ridiculous.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 22:49

Power Khan: Aug 20, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

What sound does a poo poo make, when there's nobody there to hear it?

# ? Jun 28, 2019 22:51

Sunswipe: Feb 5, 2016; by Fluffdaddy

I grew up with a Sega MegaDrive, so my jerking off sounds like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRgfAPe5s3U

# ? Jun 28, 2019 22:57

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

You can build a small dick enclosure out of egg cartons to silence your loud rear end jerking, all you really need is some glue or in a pinch use your cum as an adhesive.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 22:58

A Pack of Kobolds: Mar 23, 2007

Midnight Voyager posted:

I've gotta stop reading this thread and the CK2 thread next to each other, it makes me want to make the negative congenital trait "dick jingles".

-90% fertility, women can't take your dick seriously. -10 public opinion, everyone can hear it when you jerk it. Extra -10 dynasty opinion, you keep waking their babies.

Is it wrong that I want there to be an /r/relationships CK2 mod for extra hosed-up events? Then we really could solve these problems with murder.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 22:59

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

dudeness posted:

all you really need is some glue or in a pinch use your cum as an adhesive.

years of overuse has left my product watery and ineffective

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:00

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Sagebrush posted:

If someone has a particular way they want to be addressed, you need to address them that way. It's their name, not yours.

Anyway it doesn't surprise me that Australians don't recognize academic titles, being a nation of illiterate convicts and all

lol no, nobody gets titles they don't earn and even if they do, gently caress that. That kind of bullshit self-importance is a stain on our society and I applaud the Australians for their egalitarianism, if not the way they handled that particular situation which was a little too cruel. Just educating her on how things are done in Australia would've been fine, the profanity was out of line.

Smirking_Serpent posted:

AITA for trying to go to the front of the plane?

A few months ago I was on a short flight and had an aisle seat with a small carry-on. As the plane landed, I figured I could get up and try to save some time waiting for people by walking down the aisle as people started dealing with their bags. The seatbelt light was already off and I didn't push through people or anything.

As I was making my way, someone from an aisle seat yelled at me to stop and informed me that it is "plane etiquette" to never cross people sitting in front of you on a plane.

I never heard or this before. Is this some common knowledge I'm ignorant to? Am I the rear end in a top hat for going to the front?

This one's from way way back but yes, you are the rear end in a top hat. MOST people are capable of getting up and leaving the plane instantly. It's not the fact they need their luggage stopping them, it's the fact that the people closer to the door should go first, plus the fact that the door isn't open yet. Jumping up and trying to beat everyone to it is an assy move and that's why he got called out

ElGroucho posted:

2 kids that don't eat potato chips in the goddamn morning, yes

I'm loving this dude, first he gets all high and mighty about how it's totally fine for people to talk poo poo about your parenting behind your back, then instantly gets in a slapfight with another poster about how good of a parent he is. :laffo:

Play fucked around with this message at 23:03 on Jun 28, 2019

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:00

Midnight Voyager: Jul 2, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

hawowanlawow posted:

wait so if someone is in there taking a poo poo and the sister runs in do they just try to pinch it off or does she poo poo between their legs or what?

leaving the door unlocked doesn't seem to solve any of these problems, only worsen them

She does mention the sister has "problems with closed doors." I assume she pitches a fit and beats on a door if it's closed.

That house sounds like hell.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:02

LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

I'm guessing the 'clink clink' is like, from his bed or chair or whatever moving slightly and bumping something that makes the clinking sound.

So they hear a rhythmic clink clink from a lamp or whatever and go 'oh great, he's whacking it again'

That is the only concept that comes close to making sense to me.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:02

Midnight Voyager: Jul 2, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

LadyPictureShow posted:

I'm guessing the 'clink clink' is like, from his bed or chair or whatever moving slightly and bumping something that makes the clinking sound.

That is the only concept that comes close to making sense to me.

She says her husband's dick does it when they have sex, so I'm afraid you must continue to be loving baffled like the rest of us.

I'm still baffled she thinks ejaculation is the same as jerking it. I'm genuinely not sure if this is some massive ESL issue or if she's in a goddamn religious commune.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:04

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

cumshitter posted:

The Tinkling of the Telltale Dong.

i like it

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:05

Patrick Spens: Jul 21, 2006; "Every quarterback says they've got guts, But how many have actually seen 'em?"; Pillbug

LadyPictureShow posted:

I'm guessing the 'clink clink' is like, from his bed or chair or whatever moving slightly and bumping something that makes the clinking sound.

So they hear a rhythmic clink clink from a lamp or whatever and go 'oh great, he's whacking it again'

That is the only concept that comes close to making sense to me.

If you've got a lovely enough mattress, (and that seems real possible here) jerking off can make the springs squeak.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:06

Three Olives: Apr 10, 2005; Don't forget Hitler's contributions to medicine.

Leon Einstein posted:

It's weird to be married and have separate finances to me. My wife and I have similar income splits but I certainly don't think any of it is strictly "my" money.

We do, it's actually nice and eliminates a lot of the issues we hear about with our other couple friends that do everything out of a joint account.

Basically neither of us give a poo poo what the other spends money on, he could show up with a new car tomorrow and I wouldn't care that he hadn't talked to me about it. I'd be surprised that he hadn't but as long as he can afford the car payment, it's your money.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:07

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

clink clink clink clink

*Brazil theme plays*

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:10

DeadMansSuspenders: Jan 10, 2012; I wanna be your left hand man

I[36F] am in arranged marriage with [37M]. He has very poor manners and make scenes in public.

quote:

We have been married for 17 years, arranged marriage and a needs teenager, so divorce isn't the simple answer. I also love him and I don't want to fight.

He just recently started doing things as a family. The past couple months. his mother convinced him to start spending more time with us instead of working, such as doing errands or eating out. He has poor manners. I'm starting to handle his manners at home and with our son. He makes scenes in public, hurts strangers and workers, and embarrasses us.

I'd like advice on how to approach it and possibly ways to control the situation better. I'm a passive person unless I know what to do.

Here is a good example of behavior he shows at friends'/in public.

We went to eat. I had teen son in his stroller because it's easier to contain him and it was late so he'd probably fall asleep. Husband was making a huge deal about how the entrance had a thick threshold and he had to lift the stroller over it. He pinned it on the salad bar tender and told her to go report it to the manager. He started getting a passive aggressive attitude with a waitress because it took over 10 seconds for her to bring us butter, and he was snapping his fingers for a whole seven seconds to get a waitress' attention about his drink, even though she acknowledged. The ice started melting before he decided to start drinking it, so he pinned it on our waitress and the "lovely ice" she served.

He got mad because son wasn't eating a piece of bread I gave him, and he gave the impression that son was ruining everything. I told husband to stop. So what does husband do? Gets up, scrapes plate off in the trash because he lost appetite. Then he insisted I order him something else, because he got hungry. I offered him my food, since I usually finish son's food, and he complained about what I ordered. I took son through the salad bar for some fruit or treats to go with the potatoes and soup I got him. Husband complained about the fruit (he gets upset when I feed son soft diet foods or "feminine" food like fruit, though son mostly eats soft food). Son was doing good, was feeding himself, I fed him in intervals. Food got on son's clothes and face and husband criticised it. But before husband finished his appetizer, son fell asleep. Husband started snapping his fingers in son's face telling him to wake up. I put the hood out on the stroller and I draped the blanket over the stroller, so son would sleep in peace (something I do anyways because I don't like strangers seeing my kid sleep). Husband told me to stop babying.

Son finished eating before husband got his plate. What does husband do? Stops enjoying his meal and pushes his plate to the middle of the table, puts his glass to the middle of the table, and spits bread into a napkin. He's no longer allowed or able to have a lovely dinner. I took son to the bathroom with me and texted my mom in there, so I wouldn't lose my poo poo. She offered to come get us but I didn't want to make hus lose his poo poo. I waited until he decided it was time to go home.

tl;dr: Husband turns into a 4 yo in public

Another post by the same OP: 35F- How to masturbate?

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:10

LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

Patrick Spens posted:

If you've got a lovely enough mattress, (and that seems real possible here) jerking off can make the springs squeak.

Jeez, I lived below this couple, and always knew when they were banging, and I had to turn my headphones up really high because it was this constant squee squee squee from the springs.

That was hell.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:13

DeadMansSuspenders: Jan 10, 2012; I wanna be your left hand man

Has anyone ended a relationship over penis size? Or am I just a bitch?

quote:

I know it sounds awful, but after a year of dating this guy, I feel like I deserve more.

I'm a 19/f dating a 20/m guy. He's my first actual relationship and I lost my virginity to him. Besides the common stupid relationship fights, things are great. He's a very good looking man with a sense of humor and a very nerdy side.

My only issue is his size. I think hes about 4 inches hard. I always thought the sex was pretty good, and he's even better with his hands and tongue. I really have nothing to compare it to.

One night a few weeks ago I was at a party with some friends (he was with friends playing drinking games and exploring abandoned houses). There was a guy there who I was playing beer pong against, and whipped his dick out to distract me. It was BIG, even flaccid. I didn't talk to the guy that much that night, I didn't want to give him any ideas.

But after seeing what a big dick looks like, I'm confused. This was two weeks ago, and I'm still thinking about the other guy's dick. I really want to experience what it would be like. I probably sounds selfish, but I think I'm starting to resent my boyfriend for being inadequate down there. Perhaps I'm projecting this resentment because he's kind of a wussy when it comes to me smoking. When I'm outside smoking, he'll avoid me. He finds it unattractive when I smoke, but I told him to deal with it because it's who I am. He won''t kiss me for awhile after I do. So that kinda irks me.

Am I overreacting? Should I let this pass? I feel it's a phase but I really just wanna be with a big dick just for one night. Bu I don't think my boyfriend would let me.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:22

EIDE Van Hagar: Dec 8, 2000; Beep Boop

hawowanlawow posted:

wait so if someone is in there taking a poo poo and the sister runs in do they just try to pinch it off or does she poo poo between their legs or what?

leaving the door unlocked doesn't seem to solve any of these problems, only worsen them

it's so she can storm in on you mid-dump and pee in the bathtub and/or sink.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:25

DeadMansSuspenders: Jan 10, 2012; I wanna be your left hand man

My (25F) boyfriend (26M) of 2 years flew into a rage after losing at beer pong

quote:

I had to leave early to take him home around 10 pm on the 4th, because he got kicked out for fighting. He was too drunk to drive (so I had to drive his stick which I barely know how to do) this was a really frustrating night and I don't want to make any rash decisions about the relationship.

It was me him and four of our friends at the first of the bars we'd planned to go to after fireworks. Him and one friend went to play beerpong at a table set up for that. I wasn't paying attention until I heard him suddenly start shouting. The bar was pretty loud so I hadn't heard whatever led up to it.

He was yelling obscenities, then I went over to intervene. He said "fine, here, let's just get this poo poo over with!" and slammed the ball into the last of his cups. Then he grabbed two of the cups, said "You win, lets loving celebrate!!" then threw them at our friend. Beer went everywhere, he started to throw more of the cups, but I stepped in to stop him. It spilled all over me instead trying to grab it. He yelled at me to gently caress off.

I'm so sick of this poo poo, he's hypercompetitive with other guys like thinking if he doesn't win he's less of a man, or something. He has to win every game, has to be the one able to drink the most, get the most likes on social media from random girls (this has been an issue between us before) He played go fish with my 8 year old cousin at Christmas and when he lost he said it was "loving bullshit" and dropped his cards everywhere. He's challenged his friends to fight then said it's a joke and I'm being dramatic. They treat all of this like a joke, just laughing it off as normal ribbing, I feel crazy like how do they not see he's not laughing? He threateningly tells people to "come outside with him" His anger is obvious and it's obvious he takes it serious even if they don't. Any time I try to confront him about how he gets way too aggressive he calls me dramatic or overreacting. Or even better, doesn't remember at all because he was wasted out of his mind. (That's what happened yesterday when I brought it up)

The security made him leave. He was cussing at them and causing a huge scene. Our friend said something like "the gently caress is wrong with you bro?" but still kind of laughing/confused. He said (this was outside the bar now after we all followed him out) he said in a really calm scary voice, "If you want to beat me, beat me like a man. Beat me right here on the street in front of all these people or did you give up your balls to your wife in exchange for once a month pityfucks?" This friend and his wife got married back in april, my boyfriend has never had a problem with her before. He basically told my boyfriend to go home and chill out. I had to lead him to his car as he couldn't walk in a straight line. Humiliating.

So now he has no memory of any of this. Even though some of them confirmed it over text. He just was all "oh poo poo lol sounds crazy"

I really need him to grow up. It's to the point I dread any social gathering involving booze because 80% of the time something like this happens. Usually not THIS bad but still.

How do I get him to take it seriously when he can't even remember acting like an idiot? He imagines himself as the fun life-of-the-party guy, not the guy who flips his poo poo over nothing and ruins the night for other people. Our friends don't really help because they just keep letting it slide. So I'm the one who has to look like the crazy person who's taking life too seriously.

**tl;dr: My boyfriend behaves like a boorish oaf when drinking. His behavior on fourth of July was mortifying. He doesn't see exactly how bad it looks because all of our friends don't think it's a big deal either. Whenever I try to talk to him, he believes I'm just being too uptight.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:25

EIDE Van Hagar: Dec 8, 2000; Beep Boop

LadyPictureShow posted:

Jeez, I lived below this couple, and always knew when they were banging, and I had to turn my headphones up really high because it was this constant squee squee squee from the springs.

That was hell.

having gay neighbors is a blessing, then (to my brain at least) it just sounds like a greco-roman wrestling match or someone re-arranging their living room

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:27

Tato: Jun 19, 2001; DIRECTIVE 236: Promote pro-social values

Dammit I want to know what happened with the lotion story

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:28

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

DeadMansSuspenders posted:

Has anyone ended a relationship over penis size? Or am I just a bitch?

kind of but you�re also 19, gently caress around while you�re still in college

e: assuming this isn�t someone�s fake cuck/sph story

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:32

MasBrillante: Dec 3, 2005; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

DeadMansSuspenders posted:

Has anyone ended a relationship over penis size? Or am I just a bitch?

I�m sure user �smallguyssuck� is totally genuine and not at all a troll trying to imagine the inner dialogue of a STACY.

I mean that was obvious at the �I saw this random man at a party and just couldn�t stop thinking about his dick in me. What do you mean what else did he look like?�

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:38

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

Play posted:

Just educating her on how things are done in Australia would've been fine, the profanity was out of line.

Profanity is like punctuation in Australia.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:42

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

I think maybe i solved the mystery of the clink clink ejaculation?

Maybe its just his belt clicking once he starts going furious, the point part clicking against the metal bracket?

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:44

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

the implication there is, that her husband has never taken his pants all the way off when they have sex

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:46

LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

DeadMansSuspenders posted:

My (25F) boyfriend (26M) of 2 years flew into a rage after losing at beer pong

A friend of mine had an ex that was like that. He'd get into drunken, blackout rages, try to fight people, destroy things, etc. but when he sobered up it was always 'lol whoops!'

It all sorted itself out one Halloween night when a guy 'jumped him for absolutely no reason' and shattered his cheekbone and broke his jaw. Big outpouring of support and sympathy on Facebook until other people popped up asking 'You got blackout drunk and started poo poo again, didn't you?'

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

the implication there is, that her husband has never taken his pants all the way off when they have sex

That makes as much sense as anything else in that story.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:48

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Comedy option: the OP's husband and nephew both have ben wa balls in their asses during sex/masturbation. The nephew is louder because he's got a higher capacity.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:49

CharlestheHammer: Jun 26, 2011; YOU SAY MY POSTS ARE THE RAVINGS OF THE DUMBEST PERSON ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE READING THEM. CURIOUS!

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

the implication there is, that her husband has never taken his pants all the way off when they have sex

Also she apparently can�t put two and two together.

Or maybe she thinks belts are an integral part of the process.

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:54

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

Silver bells, (silver bells) silver bells (silver bells)
Our nephew is masturbating
Ring-a-ling, (ring-a-ling)
Hear him ring, (hear him ring)
His jerking keeps us all awake

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:57

InediblePenguin: Sep 27, 2004; I'm strong. And a giant penguin. Please don't eat me. No, really. Don't try.

CharlestheHammer posted:

Also she apparently can’t put two and two together.

Or maybe she thinks belts are an integral part of the process.

She thinks everything her husband does is normal including having low sex drive because of antidepressants, even though she knows that it's because of the antidepressants, she still thinks it's normal and that every dude is like that, despite having said in that same loving sentence that it's because of the antidepressant. She's massively loving ignorant and I'm absolutely willing to believe that her husband's not taking his belt off so she thinks that it is not only normal to gently caress with your belt on but actually impossible to gently caress with your belt off

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:58

Barudak: May 7, 2007

I think shes confused, hes clearly having a tinkle

# ? Jun 28, 2019 23:59

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Tythas posted:

I'm (22M) supposed to get a good job to spoil my gf (21F) when we get married

Update: I'm (22M) supposed to get a good job to spoil my gf (21F) when we get married

"what exactly makes you a queen, rather than a human being like everyone else on this planet?" would be my first question

Can't stand this attitude and the guy was right not to tolerate it. You know it'd only get worse and worse until he's working 60 hours week, has heart disease and is 70,000 dollars in debt from buying consumer trash for his non-working wife (because she ain't gonna work. don't fool yourself).

I will and have supported my partners during periods of unemployment or a variety of tough times. But like the OP said, it's a partnership and a girl who demands to be "spoiled" because she's a "queen" is not gonna be my type

Play fucked around with this message at 00:11 on Jun 29, 2019

# ? Jun 29, 2019 00:07

nankeen: Mar 20, 2019; by Cyrano4747

cumshitter posted:

The Tinkling of the Telltale Dong.

# ? Jun 29, 2019 00:07

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

ElGroucho posted:

I think maybe i solved the mystery of the clink clink ejaculation?

Maybe its just his belt clicking once he starts going furious, the point part clicking against the metal bracket?

my guess is either the toilet shifting back and forth on the ground or his back against the tank lid. glad we're still discussing this though, unironically

# ? Jun 29, 2019 00:09

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

goethe.cx posted:

“Oh hey, tactlessbastard is playing smash bros, lemme go in and-“

Billy Connolly says the only thing you can say in that situation is an emphatic 'Thank God you're here!'

# ? Jun 29, 2019 00:10

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# ? May 29, 2024 02:47

Captain Yossarian: Feb 24, 2011; All new" Rings of Fire"

Play posted:

my guess is either the toilet shifting back and forth on the ground or his back against the tank lid. glad we're still discussing this though, unironically

My questions are not ironic in the least I'm genuinely interested

# ? Jun 29, 2019 00:12

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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