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LadyPictureShow posted:Man, I always felt a bit bad for ol' Garfield. First he's shot in the back because some li'l bitch got butthurt he wasn't going to give him a job. Then the doctor is digging around in the wound with his unwashed hands, letting other doctors have a go too why not, spends months dying from sepsis riddled with abscesses, and was forced to marinate in his own farts during his end days because the doctors resorted to nutrient enemas. The scientific scale for how bad a fart ranks, no pun intended, should be measured in Garfields is my takeaway.
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Jun 21, 2019 01:20
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I got a written warning at work for my farting
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Jun 21, 2019 08:43
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As I am marched to the gallows the heavy sign around my neck weighs my very soul to the earth like the grasping claw of lucifer himself laying his claim, "FARTER" it reads, for all the worlds to see. My sin.
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Jun 21, 2019 10:28
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Sludge Tank posted:I got a written warning at work for my farting Ask for a copy and frame it
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Jun 21, 2019 20:14
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Tony Snark posted:The scientific scale for how bad a fart ranks, no pun intended, should be measured in Garfields is my takeaway.  Wholeheartedly agreed.Sludge Tank posted:I got a written warning at work for my farting How many Garfields did they rank you at? LadyPictureShow fucked around with this message at 20:22 on Jun 21, 2019 |
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Jun 21, 2019 20:19
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Sludge Tank posted:I got a written warning at work for my farting Too much or not enough?
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Jun 21, 2019 20:30
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[quote="LadyPictureShow" How many Garfields did they rank you at? [/quote] Now I want to watch Chernobyl again with this in mind. "The meter only goes to 16 Garfields!"
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Jun 21, 2019 22:37
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Bonzo posted:Now I want to watch Chernobyl again with this in mind. "я ненавиджу понеділки!!!!"
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Jun 21, 2019 22:59
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Bonzo posted:Now I want to watch Chernobyl again with this in mind. Not great, but not terrible
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Jun 22, 2019 01:07
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UnfortunateSexFart posted:I made the mistake of telling my wife what a Dutch oven is. She's tried to Dutch oven me every time she farts in bed ever since, and we've been together over 15 years now. #RelationshipGoals
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Jun 22, 2019 01:21
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Super Waffle posted:Not great, but not terrible Describes the last fart I had
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Jun 22, 2019 02:41
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Just fattede into a (empty) Pringles can and scared the cats. Worked pretty neat as an amplifier. It felt good!
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Jun 22, 2019 16:37
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Anytime my ferrets are asleep in my lap, my son will walk over to me, turn around, and fart at them.
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Jun 22, 2019 20:24
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https://youtu.be/WBrXErFMfR8
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Jun 22, 2019 20:46
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Obsidianheart posted:Anytime my ferrets are asleep in my lap, my son will walk over to me, turn around, and fart at them. he's just trying to improve the odor
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Jun 23, 2019 19:42
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Made some bbq pork and tons of green veggies for lunch, have been hunting for an electrical fault in my apartment all afternoon but it turns out actually it's my farts that smell like an electrical fire
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Jun 24, 2019 01:58
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Once at an ex-girlfriend's birthday my stomach was kicking so I snuck out the raunchiest fog of death when her dog was near. The smell permeated the whole apartment and all of her guests blamed almost died gagging and everyone just immediately blamed the dog. It was a wonderful way to destroy the mood.
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Jun 24, 2019 02:13
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Whenever I rip a big fart I think of GBS.
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Jun 25, 2019 15:17
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Ghost Leviathan posted:Whenever I rip a big fart I think of GBS.
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Jun 25, 2019 16:15
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I poo poo on my posts then reply. If I’m going for a sick burn on you just remember your actions have been preceded by a really big dump. An actual poo poo post, as it were.
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Jun 25, 2019 17:41
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Got to be careful, though. GBS is historically all about pants making GBS threads.
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Jun 26, 2019 02:08
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Jj37XR1yFw
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Jun 26, 2019 08:32
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Not really a fart story, but more of a result of years of fart stories. My wife refuses to toss my salad. She doesn’t have any moral objections to it. It’s just that over the years she has just associated my rear end with only negative things and finds nothing sexy about it. She’s been there for the last three times I’ve accidentally sharted. She listens to me fart dozens of times a day. Also she is convinced I can’t go more than thirty seconds without farting, so she’s certain I will fire one right down her throat. I have chosen this path for myself. I have devoted my body to its farts and in turn am forced to endure the absence of other pleasures, the fruits of life. I am sort of like a smelly monk.
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Jul 5, 2019 01:44
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Bloodfart McCoy posted:Not really a fart story, but more of a result of years of fart stories. Name, post combo
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Jul 5, 2019 01:50
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I farted this morning and my kitten, upon smelling it, made a pig-squeal noise and ran down the hall.
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Jul 5, 2019 08:42
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:I farted this morning and my kitten, upon smelling it, made a pig-squeal noise and ran down the hall. I've had the reverse of this interaction a dozen times, although my squeal usually includes the words "JESUS CHRIST, CAT"
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Jul 5, 2019 09:21
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Antivehicular posted:I've had the reverse of this interaction a dozen times, although my squeal usually includes the words "JESUS CHRIST, CAT" Likewise, my cat has never even reacted to my farts but he drops bombs that I use "smoke odor eliminator" to clear because the usual bathroom sprays just don't do it. Actually that cat is probably thread worthy in general. When he shits he also lets out farts that you can hear through the entire house. Sounds like a mix between a Nerf dart gun firing blank and squeezing that last bit out of the sauce bottle. Apparently most people have never heard a cat audibly fart, because visitors who hear it always seem to be surprised.
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Jul 5, 2019 15:21
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Antivehicular posted:I've had the reverse of this interaction a dozen times, although my squeal usually includes the words "JESUS CHRIST, CAT" Well, it wasn't entirely NOT out of vengeance.
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Jul 5, 2019 17:21
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Bloodfart McCoy posted:Not really a fart story, but more of a result of years of fart stories. You should try a probiotic.
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Jul 5, 2019 17:36
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:I farted this morning and my kitten, upon smelling it, made a pig-squeal noise and ran down the hall. My cat doesn't care. He likes to lay on my back when I sleep and use my rear end as a pillow while he sleeps. Plenty of times I've ripped right into his nostrils but not a reaction. Or he will cuddle under the blankets and get hotboxed with fart clouds, but he doesn't even budge. He must be powerful, indeed Maybe he's unfazed because he cleans the other cat's rear end all the time?
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Jul 5, 2019 18:08
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wolrah posted:Likewise, my cat has never even reacted to my farts but he drops bombs that I use "smoke odor eliminator" to clear because the usual bathroom sprays just don't do it. I think you should try a different cat food, my dude. That doesn't sound fun for him.
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Jul 5, 2019 23:33
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I've talked about my Daughter a wee bit in this thread, but - I was a bit ill with the cold the other day, and changing her nappy and... I felt a huge fart coming, so I said "push daddy's finger". She reached up from the changing table, pressed hard on my index finger loving splatter all over her rug. I was definitely iller than I thought I was "DADDY FARTED" *massive giggles* Daddy more than farted...
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Jul 6, 2019 00:16
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Amphigory posted:I've talked about my Daughter a wee bit in this thread, but - I was a bit ill with the cold the other day, and changing her nappy and... Holy poo poo...LOL
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Jul 6, 2019 00:45
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Ahhhh. The "gambled and lost"
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Jul 6, 2019 00:59
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Years ago, when I was somewhere around middle school age and my sister was two or three years old, our family and grandparents were having a get-together for Thanksgiving dinner. My grandpa, who was a fairly gassy individual, slipped up and let one out in the middle of our quiet, solemn prayer. We're all just trying to move forward without reacting, when my sister gleefully shouts "Grandpa POOPED!" at full volume. Aaaand that was the end of solemn prayer time, a moment that will live in my heart forever, indelibly linked with Thanksgiving.
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Jul 6, 2019 01:09
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When I was a kid, my family was entertaining a relative and his partner visiting from Germany. For reasons I can't remember, I wanted to show off and started doing situps in the lounge room while everyone was sitting around. After a few, I felt that familiar bubbling in my guts, and before I was able to stop the motion and clench my arse, a terrible bass fart vibrated across the ground. The German lady was mortifed, and went silent. No one spoke of it again.
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Jul 6, 2019 02:02
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fappenmeister posted:When I was a kid, my family was entertaining a relative and his partner visiting from Germany. For reasons I can't remember, I wanted to show off and started doing situps in the lounge room while everyone was sitting around. After a few, I felt that familiar bubbling in my guts, and before I was able to stop the motion and clench my arse, a terrible bass fart vibrated across the ground. The German lady was mortifed, and went silent. No one spoke of it again. You offended a German with farting? Well done.
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Jul 6, 2019 06:10
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ParserGirl posted:I think you should try a different cat food, my dude. That doesn't sound fun for him. Trust me, I have. He has had intestinal issues for years and I've worked with three different vets over that time trying to get it under control. Prescription foods, probiotics, fiber supplements, medications, we've tried everything with no significant effect. The best we've been able to do is minimize the gas. He used to get really bad gas that was clearly painful, now it's just what I described before.
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Jul 6, 2019 16:15
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cormorant posted:You should try a probiotic. Why? I love to fart.
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Jul 7, 2019 01:20
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Bloodfart McCoy posted:I love to fart. I want this inscribed on my tombstone. Should I become famous, I want this inscribed on my bust and/or statue in the middle of the park named after me.
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Jul 7, 2019 01:33
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