GarfieldEats: I have returned to what I love; cereal boxes and coloring

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > GarfieldEats: I have returned to what I love; cereal boxes and coloring

«‹›392 »

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

it's called a pizza 'peel'.

the thing you slide it into and out of the oven with, that is.

e: oh good snipe

# ? Jul 9, 2019 16:48

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 24, 2024 05:58

Escape From Noise: Jul 27, 2004

What's the thing you push the garbage into the oven with called?

# ? Jul 9, 2019 16:53

DoombatINC: Apr 20, 2003; Here's the thing, I'm a feminist.

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

What's the thing you push the garbage into the oven with called?

Hubris

# ? Jul 9, 2019 16:59

Captain Beans: Aug 5, 2004; Whar be the beans?; Hair Elf

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

What's the thing you push the garbage into the oven with called?

Flavor creator dowel

# ? Jul 9, 2019 18:08

schmuckfeatures: Oct 27, 2003; Hair Elf

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

What's the thing you push the garbage into the oven with called?

Barfield

# ? Jul 10, 2019 03:06

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

What's the thing you push the garbage into the oven with called?

my hands

# ? Jul 10, 2019 04:12

Escape From Noise: Jul 27, 2004

Big Beef City posted:

my hands

That's unsanitary!

# ? Jul 10, 2019 04:34

Thots and Prayers: Jul 13, 2006; A is the for the atrocious abominated acts that YOu committed. A is also for ass-i-nine, eight, seven, and six.

B, b, b - b is for your belligerent, bitchy, bottomless state of affairs, but why?

C is for the cantankerous condition of our character, you have no cut-out.; Grimey Drawer

{Arabiolosis} Chapter 1 - Meet the Mazri's

So here's how the chapters are structured:

One of the ten 'Mazri's Laws'
A somewhat chronological portion of the memoir
'What is the theme of Chapter X?' summary.

You'd think it would make sense to have these items be related and serve to reinforce each other but ha ha ha no. So: Law, memoir, summary... aaaand let's go!

Law #1 posted:

Mazri's Law #1 - It is only in the darkest shadows that the brightest ideas emerge. Embrace the unordinary, the uncommon, the unlikely for an extraordinary life.

Nathen needs to add custom Garfortune cookies to the shop, pronto, because the man is a hidden genius. Check it out:

Anyways, we start off somewhere in Canada - Nathen is 10. The phone rings at his house - it's dad calling from Saudi Arabia. He just landed a job "as a CEO of a large American IT company based in Riyadh." Nathan and his mom celebrate.

memoir posted:

(Dad) was telling us to prepare ourselves for a magic carpet ride to the Middle East, where we might stay forever. We were ecstatic. Mom did the chicken dance and we gave each other a high five, because we knew that our lifestyle would improve. Mom understood better than I that the money would be not only more plentiful, but it would also go farther toward buying the things we wanted, leading to happiness.

Narrator voice over: It did not. Also: all those people guessing that Nathen's dad was underwriting Garfaccinos can collect your prize.

Nathan next introduces nine family members, none of whom are ever mentioned again. This will happen many more times before the chapter is over. His immediate family packs up and heads to SA. They land and are greeted by even more family, including...

quote:

Seconds later, I saw my father coming towards us. He'd been away for almost two years, settling in Riyadh in order to prepare a life for us.

Absent Saudi Arabian CEO FailDad is one of the few recurring characters in the book. I imagine him to be as warm, loving, and humorous as his title implies.

quote:

After hugs and kisses we find out there was something wrong with my passport, so we waited for about three hours in the airport late at night with not even one clerk - okay, maybe one, but not many. How peculiar it was that from the very first step I made into this country its dark shadows began to emerge at me and only me.

Finally, the sheriff had resolved whatever the problem was by the time we had finished eating the famous Saudi dish called "Kabsa" which we were offered by the generous officers. It consists of rice with special spices, giving the whole dish an orange(!) and brownish color and pieces of chicken on top of the yellow rice. It is a traditional dish that is usually eaten by hand, but we had chosen to eat with a nice silver spoon.

Too busy talking about literally growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth, Nathen misses an opportunity to make a reference to his lifelong love of Garfield and orange-colored food. I'm sure that was a minor oversight.

They meet even more family members who are never mentioned again, many of whom come with head-scratching descriptions:

quote:

Three more stairs up was my cousin Nina, the oldest girl of the Mazri family, whose face is pale as Jane Eyre and completely innocent and free of peccadilloes.
(...)
Then I walked towards their small three and a half room apartment where, at the door, I saw a girl standing there like Juliet would wait for her Romeo. (...) Juliet's real name was Noel, like my sister's name, given to both of them by their parents as it is also my grandmother's name.

I'm stealing this as my next bar pickup line: "Baby, are you starring in the stage adaptation of Jane Eyre? Because you are pale and free of peccadilloes."

Nathen goes on to mention three extended relative families and six people by name. Don't bother keeping track as none of them matter. Absent Saudi Arabian CEO Faildad takes one look at Nathen and decides he needs to go back to the drawing board and impregnates Mom upon arrival. Mom then flies back to Canada with Nathan in tow to have the baby:

quote:

When I saw this baby soul for the first time in the hospital, I felt something inexplicable. My heart fluttered at each step I would make towards Eddie. As I was staring at him in his crib I said to myself, "I will spoil you so badly, never yell at you, and make sure you never fall and that you will have everything you want." I wanted to be the big brother and treat him right. Unfortunately. time has made me invisible along the way, and I have not been the best big brother someone could ask for.

Don't worry, by the end of the book Nathen winds up alienating all his siblings not just Baby Eddie.

''end of chapter summary" posted:

What is the theme of Chapter 1?
Family & friends define your chatterbox in your sub-conscious mind throughout your childhood years shaping your personality, attitude, beliefs, and even destiny. You will either identify these voices as wrong or right as you grow up and self-correct yourself to develop your true identity and passion. Do not give in to those inner-voices just yet.
Be self aware!

Family and friends will either be right or wrong - wise words here.

Up next: Chapter 2: Whiny and Gay in the KSA

# ? Jul 11, 2019 05:29

goodog: Nov 3, 2007

I think the book was written when he thought he was going to be a Hollywood mogul, before he got into the entergagment restaurant industry. Its another piece of the puzzle that the entire Garfield theme and license was chosen on a whim, with a sprinkling of Freudian childhood nostalgia.

Also kudos to Chad Dad for celebrating the family reuniting by immediately rawdogging his wife and having yet another kid, which splits the family apart again.

goodog fucked around with this message at 08:30 on Jul 11, 2019

# ? Jul 11, 2019 08:27

Prokhor Zakharov: Dec 31, 2008; This is me as I make another great post

Good luck with your depression!

# ? Jul 11, 2019 08:39

Escape From Noise: Jul 27, 2004

Prokhor Zakharov posted:

GAYfield???

# ? Jul 11, 2019 09:28

Pastry of the Year: Apr 12, 2013

Thots and Prayers doing a lord's work in this thread

now imagining an EarthBound romhack in which all the money your absent dad wires you is poured directly into an entergaging restaurant concept instead of baseball bats and bracelets

# ? Jul 11, 2019 12:22

Leroy Dennui: Aug 9, 2014; Gina McCarthy made us gay,
but we would not have met
had Biden not dropped his cones

Pastry of the Year posted:

Thots and Prayers doing a lord's work in this thread

now imagining an EarthBound romhack in which all the money your absent dad wires you is poured directly into an entergaging restaurant concept instead of baseball bats and bracelets

"Love me, feed me, don't leave me" does sound like a tagline for Mother 4.

# ? Jul 11, 2019 15:16

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

Prokhor Zakharov posted:

same but I'm the chef

# ? Jul 11, 2019 15:31

Frank Frank: Jun 13, 2001; Mirrored

Prokhor Zakharov posted:

What's for dinner, Jon?

# ? Jul 11, 2019 16:05

GolfHole: Feb 26, 2004

real life update: theres never anybody in this store, ever.

# ? Jul 11, 2019 16:14

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

Thots and Prayers posted:

{Arabiolosis} Chapter 1 - Meet the Mazri's

So here's how the chapters are structured:

One of the ten 'Mazri's Laws'

A somewhat chronological portion of the memoir

'What is the theme of Chapter X?' summary.

You'd think it would make sense to have these items be related and serve to reinforce each other but ha ha ha no. So: Law, memoir, summary... aaaand let's go!

Nathen needs to add custom Garfortune cookies to the shop, pronto, because the man is a hidden genius. Check it out:

Anyways, we start off somewhere in Canada - Nathen is 10. The phone rings at his house - it's dad calling from Saudi Arabia. He just landed a job "as a CEO of a large American IT company based in Riyadh." Nathan and his mom celebrate.

Narrator voice over: It did not. Also: all those people guessing that Nathen's dad was underwriting Garfaccinos can collect your prize.

Nathan next introduces nine family members, none of whom are ever mentioned again. This will happen many more times before the chapter is over. His immediate family packs up and heads to SA. They land and are greeted by even more family, including...

Absent Saudi Arabian CEO FailDad is one of the few recurring characters in the book. I imagine him to be as warm, loving, and humorous as his title implies.

Too busy talking about literally growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth, Nathen misses an opportunity to make a reference to his lifelong love of Garfield and orange-colored food. I'm sure that was a minor oversight.

They meet even more family members who are never mentioned again, many of whom come with head-scratching descriptions:

I'm stealing this as my next bar pickup line: "Baby, are you starring in the stage adaptation of Jane Eyre? Because you are pale and free of peccadilloes."

Nathen goes on to mention three extended relative families and six people by name. Don't bother keeping track as none of them matter. Absent Saudi Arabian CEO Faildad takes one look at Nathen and decides he needs to go back to the drawing board and impregnates Mom upon arrival. Mom then flies back to Canada with Nathan in tow to have the baby:

Don't worry, by the end of the book Nathen winds up alienating all his siblings not just Baby Eddie.

Family and friends will either be right or wrong - wise words here.

Up next: Chapter 2: Whiny and Gay in the KSA

Imagine being so rich that your globe trotting father sends for you after two years just to gently caress the poo poo out of your mother to celebrate having even more money.
Imagine having so much money that, while being fed food by the people guarding you with a silver spoon, your concern is that "There aren't enough clerks here to service me, a 10 year old boy in a foreign airport being spoonfed luxury food by my guards late at night."

Now imagine having that much wealth and privilege and you can't even just take it and gently caress off so no one knows who you are, and live on a yacht somewhere loving instagram models for a living or whatever.

Instead you open a Garfield restaurant that's so bad that even MORE people want to shy away from everything you touch and try to do because it's such an abject failure that even attempting something that's bad on premise, you fail so badly at that you can't recognize why.

# ? Jul 11, 2019 16:17

GolfHole: Feb 26, 2004

i am not rich so i cannot comment

# ? Jul 11, 2019 16:18

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

you got a comic themed restaurant idea though?

# ? Jul 11, 2019 16:22

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

Maybe a 'For Better or Worse' build your own baked potato bar and soft serve buffet?

Some Huxley 'ROOF' beer floats

# ? Jul 11, 2019 16:25

Pastry of the Year: Apr 12, 2013

ack

# ? Jul 11, 2019 16:31

GolfHole: Feb 26, 2004

Pastry of the Year posted:

ack

# ? Jul 11, 2019 16:32

Mordja: Apr 26, 2014; Hell Gem

Pastry of the Year posted:

ack

# ? Jul 11, 2019 17:08

Richter Scabies: Dec 30, 2012

All of this would be more mentally palatable if Garfield Eats was just the random pizza concession stand at Six Flags theme parks

# ? Jul 11, 2019 18:08

Baronjutter: Dec 31, 2007; "Tiny Trains"

So apparently "Love me, Feed Me, Never leave me" is a quote from a garfield movie, but our dude got it wrong for his pizza shops.

# ? Jul 11, 2019 18:17

crazy eyes mustafa: Nov 30, 2014

Powerfully cursed image

# ? Jul 11, 2019 19:00

pseudanonymous: Aug 30, 2008; When you make the second entry and the debits and credits balance, and you blow them to hell.

Big Beef City posted:

Imagine being so rich that your globe trotting father sends for you after two years just to gently caress the poo poo out of your mother to celebrate having even more money.
Imagine having so much money that, while being fed food by the people guarding you with a silver spoon, your concern is that "There aren't enough clerks here to service me, a 10 year old boy in a foreign airport being spoonfed luxury food by my guards late at night."

Now imagine having that much wealth and privilege and you can't even just take it and gently caress off so no one knows who you are, and live on a yacht somewhere loving instagram models for a living or whatever.

Instead you open a Garfield restaurant that's so bad that even MORE people want to shy away from everything you touch and try to do because it's such an abject failure that even attempting something that's bad on premise, you fail so badly at that you can't recognize why.

Rich people almost have to create a false reality where their wealth and privilege is earned, and they, therefore, must be smart and capable people. Otherwise, they have to acknowledge that they're basically loving monsters. That's why you get idiots like this guy and Trump, failing upwards via their money and insisting they are good businessman, they just got unlucky or whatever.

# ? Jul 11, 2019 19:09

Harold Stassen: Jan 24, 2016

Big Beef City posted:

Maybe a 'Cosby Show' build your own baked potato bar and soft serve buffet?

Some Huxtable 'ROOF' beer floats

# ? Jul 11, 2019 22:17

mailorder bees: Nov 4, 2011; FLUFFERNUTTER

yeah, garfield totally eats app

# ? Jul 11, 2019 22:21

Somfin: Oct 25, 2010; In my🦚 experience🛠️ the big things🌑 don't teach you anything🤷‍♀️.; Nap Ghost

Baronjutter posted:

So apparently "Love me, Feed Me, Never leave me" is a quote from a garfield movie, but our dude got it wrong for his pizza shops.

It's also as Freud as you can get when you take this guy's incredible daddy issues into account

# ? Jul 11, 2019 22:45

LSD at the gangbang: Dec 27, 2009

The pepperonis look like some kind of dog treat pepperoni.

# ? Jul 11, 2019 22:46

Fojar38: Sep 2, 2011; Sorry I meant to say I hope that the police use maximum force and kill or maim a bunch of innocent people, thus paving a way for a proletarian uprising and socialist utopia

also here's a stupid take
---------------------------->

Baronjutter posted:

So apparently "Love me, Feed Me, Never leave me" is a quote from a garfield movie, but our dude got it wrong for his pizza shops.

The fact that so much of the marketing is based on that lovely forgettable live action film almost makes this seem like one of those scenarios where someone from a very different cultural background in a very different part of the world sees a Western movie for the first time and is so awestruck that they think it's Citizen Kane and base their entire life's work on trying to replicate it

Like the same thing that has generated at least two thirds of RLM's Best of the Worst episodes

# ? Jul 12, 2019 01:59

crazy eyes mustafa: Nov 30, 2014

I think I�m coming down with a case of Arabiolosis

I can no longer abide Mondays nor deviate from a strict all lasagna diet

# ? Jul 13, 2019 12:47

unpacked robinhood: Feb 18, 2013; by Fluffdaddy

LSD at the gangbang posted:

dog treat pepperoni.

Aw that's too long for a username

e: wait no it's not

# ? Jul 13, 2019 12:52

Thots and Prayers: Jul 13, 2006; A is the for the atrocious abominated acts that YOu committed. A is also for ass-i-nine, eight, seven, and six.

B, b, b - b is for your belligerent, bitchy, bottomless state of affairs, but why?

C is for the cantankerous condition of our character, you have no cut-out.; Grimey Drawer

{Arabiolosis} -- Chapter 2: Culture Clash

quote:

Mazri's Law #2
You can never take-away the people's perception of you and the people can never take away your self-esteem; but with your self-esteem you can alter the people's perception & build a country.

It's a bold writing more to use 'and' and '&' in one sentence but I admire him going for it anyways

Right, so the un-related memoir starts up again and it's just weirdly written. I think this is a byproduct of being mostly dictated?

quote:

So imagine there are no Homo sapiens in your life. What will be your next play?
...
And that's just the beginning of my move to this miserable place and how it left me feeling deprived. The underworld is a dry lifestyle and atmosphere and boiling at 100 degrees Celsius.

There's some petty family bullshit and just so much hyperbole that I honestly think this might sound better when you're talking at a computer and then never reading it again:

Probably not crazy talk posted:

I began experiencing aliens in disguises the moment I stepped into high school earlier than I was supposed to as I fought till I dropped to jump the eighth and got enrolled in the ninth grade.
...
The demon had cajoled me to move to the under world by taking advantage of my deep love for the family tree.

Nathen cut and pastes a wikipedia entry on Mutaween and we know this because he starts it off

quote:

According to Wikipedia, The Mutaween's responsibility in Saudi Arabia is enforcing Sharia as defined by the government.

And on and on and it's clearly just a straight paste of this wiki page - these sentences are way too short and information filled. Anyways these Mutaween are not really chill dudes as you can imagine and both Wikipedia and Nathen judge them very harshly.

It's all inappropriately paced as he introduces tangents that feel strange being next to descriptions of how lovely it is to be perceived as gay:

quote:

Single gay men are everywhere, you just need to have a good gaydar and it's a date! Arabs love white and fair-skinned men with light hair. You will never find my Canadian cousin, Brian, with soft blond hair, wandering in the streets of Riyadh unless he desires to get raped by the sexually suppressed predators. The Saudis will seduce you wherever you are! Lebanese men are also in the spotlight and highly favored by the neighbouring countries, describing them as the most beautiful men of the Middle East.

:The More You Know Star.gif:

Nathen apparently found it difficult to cut and paste from some sources:

quote:

It is in this sense that scientists are able to invest more of their time and money into researching homosexuality such as "Biology is Behind Homosexuality in Sheep, Study Confirms" Health and Medicine Week (2004): 422. ProQuest. Bryn Mawr College Canaday Library.

A couple of pages of Nathen expounding on the question "What is a man, really?" follow. This finishes with a bunch of hypotheticals, including some more revealing than others:

quote:

Does a man always have to do what dad says, if not, then you are not a man anymore?

When he complains about Saudi Arabia being boring, I think that's code for 'I watch a lot of daytime TV':

quote:

If that is the man they want me to be, then I will be happy to be called a girl. I demand someone to call Dr. Phil ASAP!

Nathen buddy, piece of free advice - if you keep saying this it starts to get weird:

quote:

I always had her essence and her words in my psyche to keep my insecurity in check every time I felt down or driven to madness, approaching the aliens from outer space.

He complains and complains for the rest of the chapter

quote:

I talked back and my mom had also joined the argument and I ended it with a rude and angry statement and immediately walked upstairs to my room.

He also recounts fights he had with his father and hoo boy that is some boring poo poo and yay the chapter is over.

quote:

What is the theme of Chapter 2?
There is no single perfect & immutable perception. We live in a world bound by our discrepancies and insecurities. We are all different. It is narcissist and inhumane to insist that society must reflect your vision and ideologies at it proves to be correct and holy. There is no halo on your head deemed as the chosen one.

Accept, Acknowledge, Embrace!

Up next: Chapter 3: Teenage Nathen is a handful

# ? Jul 15, 2019 05:40

Escape From Noise: Jul 27, 2004

Garf's only begotten son.

# ? Jul 15, 2019 06:56

Prokhor Zakharov: Dec 31, 2008; This is me as I make another great post

Good luck with your depression!

Lebanese men are the hottest

But not as hot as the cowboy cuts of beef in this fuckin lasagna

And you can use the box as a holder for your j/o tissues

# ? Jul 15, 2019 08:54