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You ever known anybody who leaves their dog crates way too loving long? And maybe they’re a little verbally abusive to the dog, and maybe even a bit physically abusive? That dog is going to act out and probably be super hyper and wound really tight. Now imagine that dog had a drinking problem. The military.
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Jul 16, 2019 21:20
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A White Guy posted:There's some 2nd LT out there today who's gonna get his rear end reamed because of some dude he barely knows getting into a fight. Replace this with "passed out drunk in a Mcdonald's drive thru and getting a DUI", "getting caught using stolen credit cards", "threw a TV at his wife and told the MPs "YEA I FUCKIN' HIT HER!", or the classic "going AWOL to Canada while still in uniform and having the Mounties arrest you", and you've got my experience as a 2LT. All of the training we had was for being out in the field, we never had any indication or warning of what garrison life was going to be 
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Jul 16, 2019 21:26
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Yeah but how would they train you for that? Give you a dumb frat boy college student to mentor and if he fucks up once you get dropped from the class?
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Jul 16, 2019 21:28
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Well aside from my meth child, I had one guy who decided it would be a better idea to briefly attempt to flee his second DUI. I think he ended up with eluding charge.
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Jul 16, 2019 21:32
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They could've at least mentioned something about the happy fun times we were walking into. Or at least tried to explain the idea of a property book, FLIPLs, NJP, or literally anything else about the things that go on in garrison. Instead of the all field, all the time* stuff we got at Benning. *we stayed in our tents when it got too hot and didn't really have any alternative trainings, outside of a few (useful, I'll admit) IED classes. I think one of us actually did get the drunken idiot to watch after (a 2LT that was getting chaptered for being an alcoholic in 2009  ), but that was a staff duty job and I had that all of once over ~4 months due to my class schedule.
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Jul 16, 2019 21:32
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Icon Of Sin posted:They could've at least mentioned something about the happy fun times we were walking into. Or at least tried to explain the idea of a property book, FLIPLs, NJP, or literally anything else about the things that go on in garrison. Instead of the all field, all the time* stuff we got at Benning. Oh drat. I didn’t realize you meant they didn’t cover ANY admin stuff. That’s stupid. Paperwork is half your dumb job when you’re not sleeping in the office.
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Jul 16, 2019 21:34
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colachute posted:You ever known anybody who leaves their dog crates way too loving long? And maybe they’re a little verbally abusive to the dog, and maybe even a bit physically abusive? also we give the dog guns
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Jul 16, 2019 21:48
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colachute posted:You ever known anybody who leaves their dog crates way too loving long? And maybe they’re a little verbally abusive to the dog, and maybe even a bit physically abusive? so the dog is a piece of poo poo too
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Jul 16, 2019 21:52
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https://youtu.be/705FYkvs_94
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Jul 16, 2019 23:47
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Proud Christian Mom posted:so the dog is a piece of poo poo too I can't suspend my disbelief sufficiently.
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Jul 17, 2019 00:36
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Yeah my analogy definitely falls apart there.
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Jul 17, 2019 00:38
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Flying_Crab posted:I’d assume this about everyone in his CoC up to the brigade level. Try “division level” and you’re closer.
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Jul 17, 2019 02:03
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A White Guy posted:I'm in a fairly minor position of responsibility for the young and dumb. I handle my guys at my worksite fairly well. Some I can talk to like adults, others I have to treat like literal children. I've got some stories from the Navy but this one was from the coast guard. so if you've ever been to Seattle you know that the ferrys are an integral part of daily life there and areright downtown in the middle of everything. For our job we used 26ft aluminum boats that we often tossed on a trailer because we had a huge AOR so we towed them with Ford F-350 or f450 work trucks usually with a non rate of some sort driving (e1-3 that had not been to a school yet) with whoever was in charge of the trip in the passenger seat and the rest of the crew in the backseat asleep. Now the coast guard is very enlisted heavy, our OIC was a chief and our XO was an e6, so usually at best you would have an E4 running a trip but pretty often it could be all e3 or below. So that's the setup. I'm sitting at home on a Friday night and my personal phone rings, it's one of my dudes named Bill. He said "hey we had an accident" I said okay "well are you documenting everything getting statements all the things you know you need to do" cuz I figure these dumb fuckers have backed into a post at a gas station again (because that's happened a couple of times along with dragging the side of a truck against a McDonald's drive-thru) and they have the boat out of the water and on the trailer before I went home. "I flipped the boat" "You fuking what? You guys called in trailered at like 1600" "Yeah on the trailer" At this point I'm dialing my work phone but nobody is answering my calls and I'm not technically responsible for this but I'm trying to get ahead of it because well these are my guys. at the same time I'm asking if anybody was hurt, nobody was hurt. if any other vehicles were involved, no other vehicles were involved. Then I got to the money question Where are you? Where did this happen? "I snagged a Jersey barrier getting off the ferry" It's like 1800hrs on a Friday in Seattle. This is like stopping traffic on the freeway. "Yeah the news is here" "Why the gently caress did you call me?" Flip on the news and there's the helicopter shooting video of one of our boats laying on its side blocking both lanes of traffic coming out of the ferry terminal. now the fallout from this was that nobody technically got in trouble and everybody had to do a bunch of retraining and everything like that. But the real fallout was everybody was punished pretty much en masse. Our operational tempo got cranked, extra duties miraculously fell from the sky and landed on everybody without any sort of reasoning behind them. It was an accident in every sense of the word, the guy driving had driven a lot the guy in the passenger seat had been out on a bunch of trips like this and the guys in the back were passed out after a long day.everybody was under hours and everything was cool except for there was an accident so they couldn't just roast Bill. So they cooked us all, and without any officers that weren't mad at our unit there was nobody to protect us. I've got hella stories of people doing dumb poo poo like getting DUIs or punching the gate guard or taking bong rips in their car from the Marines and few Navy I worked with during my time in the Navy but none of those really stick out from any other stories on here. Other than the time that dirty Joe hosed one of our pilots in Singapore. But that one takes a lot of backstory to establish who dirty Joe is. bird cooch fucked around with this message at 03:49 on Jul 17, 2019 |
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Jul 17, 2019 03:43
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There’s plenty of space in the thread, 
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Jul 17, 2019 05:43
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Things dirty Joe has done. Destroy a duty truck going through a massive puddle at 60 miles an hour next to the road between main side and op side at nas lemoore. ------ go to The exchange upon opening and buy 4 cases of beer, stack them on top of each other with the top one upside down so that he could carry two cases in each hand for his walk back to the barracks because his car ran out of gas and he left it on the side of the road outside of face and it was towed. ------- carry a fat girl with a broken leg to the third floor of the barracks to rut after smuggling her through the gate like Prince charming with one titty hanging out. ------- In the back of the libo bus in Guam on the second or third day and dirty Joe had spent all of his money loving strippers and was desperate to raise capital for the next 2 days. We were all (6+dudes) passing around a spitter bottle when Joe declares that he would drink said half-full spitter for $60. 60 bucks was immediately secured and he let he rip. This caused the troubleshooter next to him to vomit and tried to get as much as he could into the bottle so we didn't get in trouble (again) for puking on the bus. everybody is disgusted and laughing in the way that only enlisted people drunk as gently caress having not seen the land for a few months will do. Joe immediately declares that he will drink the bottle of puke for a hundred bucks. he gave it a solid effort but was overwhelmed and vomited on to the back of the seats and the back of the head of the person in front of him causing what was a sort of tidal wave ripple effect of puking to pass through the entire bus. We all got in trouble again. -------- Flip one of those little electric golf carts/cars after I showed him how to pick the lock with a hollowed-out Bic pen. -------- Flip over the 240SX he had purchased from me two weeks after buying it while getting road head from some ancient barfly while shithoused and managed to talk his way out of the DUI using his tweaker magic ------- buy a lifted Tahoe immediately upon returning from deployment with a loan because he didn't have any deployment money left after buying steroids and smuggled drugs on the boat only to immediately total it out without insurance and be stuck with a $20,000 car payment for a car he doesn't have. -------- stabbed himself in the chest with a knife during an argument with his girlfriend on the phone and then when somebody called the police tell them that a black guy did it and then ran away and refused any sort of medical treatment and hid the wound from everybody because he didn't want to get in trouble. --------- Run into our Senior Chief at the casino while high on meth but convince the (very drunk) Senior Chief that he had just been to the optometrist and his eyes were dilated. (Also the Married Senior Chief got kicked out a few years later for diddleing a married 19 year old e3) -------- Buttfucked a really really worn out Street hooker in Reno rawdog in a parking garage next to hard Rock Cafe at 3 in the afternoon and called us at the bar to let us know that he was doing it -------- His side hustle was jacking off on a web cam(2006 era) with older dudes and then blackmailing them for money -------- Pissed hot and got your standard restriction/extra-duty/no pay oth discharge but managed to slip away from restriction and piss hot again but they just continued processing him out. --------- Got out of prison a few years ago for what I don't know but post a lot of oorah bullshit on Facebook. I have never known his like again, but then again I don't really associate with that sort of person outside of the military. bird cooch fucked around with this message at 07:05 on Jul 17, 2019 |
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Jul 17, 2019 06:34
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bird cooch posted:carry a fat girl with a broken leg to the third floor of the barracks to rut after smuggling her through the gate like Prince charming with one titty hanging out. Promote that man.
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Jul 17, 2019 06:52
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bird cooch posted:Things dirty Joe has done. Jesus. It's the ur-enlisted.
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Jul 17, 2019 06:55
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I'm going to dig through my box and see if I can find a picture of him because at this day and age any person will see him and their brain will immediately scream "tweaker"
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Jul 17, 2019 07:08
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After reading this thread for years the only thing shocking about that is that he wasn't promoted ahead of peers
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Jul 17, 2019 07:30
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He did volunteer with disabled children to show them his dick
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Jul 17, 2019 07:31
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Casimir Radon posted:He did volunteer with disabled children to show them his dick Naw the best thing about dirty Joe was that he was self-aware. It's not like we called him dirty Joe behind his back, that was his name, it was on his helmet, and for the life of me I cannot think of a time where he wasn't "dirty Joe" I don't know that he ever sat for exams. Ive seen him drink pocket whiskey at formations and take a break for a few puffs off of a cigarette during pt tests. He signed up for a paycheck and an adventure. I don't think he was chemically capable of taking anything seriously. He still made e4 pretty quick.
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Jul 17, 2019 07:44
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I don't think I've ever heard of anyone as pure as dirty Joe he knew what he wanted from life
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Jul 17, 2019 08:00
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Dirty Joe is the embodiment of the perfect enlisted man holy poo poo
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Jul 17, 2019 08:37
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OK, this isn't my story, it's a story I was told by our art teacher in high school. I'll call him Mike. So this was back in the days of apartheid South Africa, when there was universal conscription (of white men only). Mike went to university for art, which delayed this. Most of his friends were then ducking conscription by moving to the Netherlands to live off government money as artists (this was a thing back in the 80s). But Mike got a girl pregnant, and decided to allow himself to be conscripted as penance. There was a system for people who were pacifists. They could be conscientious objectors. Conscientious objectors went through all the military training, and were used by the military, but weren't made to enter combat situations. They were also treated like poo poo by literally everyone in the military. Mike decided not to do this, but didn't actually want to shoot anyone on behalf of a racist authoritarian government, so he made friends with the medics in basic training, and always had an excuse to avoid range. To make sure he wouldn't actually see combat himself, and to put himself in a position to do maximum disruption to the actually pretty fascist apartheid military machine, he went through officer training for his entire first year of service, coming out a 2LT. He ended up in the middle of the Border War. He had a few vague stories of calling for random reinforcements and things just to gently caress with the system until they reassigned him. He also had a story about the time that a platoon radioed in from patrol to say that they'd found a "crazed bushman", then a few hours later returned to base with an elderly and very dead Khoisan man, and a story about how he had a rifle and totally threatened them. (The rifle was standard SADF issue, and had just enough ammunition in it that it could have come out of their rifles and avoided the checks after patrol.) He didn't have enough evidence to bring charges against them, so instead he snuck into the morgue and made a cast of the body, then left concrete replicas of it around the camp to haunt them. Anyway, the story that sticks with me was the time his socker team went to play against Koevoet. Koevoet were a notorious At one Mike's centre forward scored, and the opposing centre forward grabbed him and put a knife to his throat, saying "that's not a goal". He then started dragging their centre forward around the field, knife to throat, with the crowd cheering along. Eventually Mike's driver crashed their APC through the gates of the soccer field, then got onto the 20mm cannon and trained it on the Koevoet team, while Mike's team all rushed inside so they could GTFO. Anyway, those are the stories I heard. Mainly he was an idiot for not loving off to the Netherlands when he had a chance.
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Jul 17, 2019 08:42
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i am so proud of the USCG
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Jul 17, 2019 10:03
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quote:All of the training we had was for being out in the field, we never had any indication or warning of what garrison life was going to be Now that I was reminded, my favorite enlisted story is the one from 173rd in italy with a really young and meek female cadet arriving at a time when one of the engineer platoons only had a PSG, so she gets to practice running a PL spot. I have no clue what she had in mind it was gonna include, but she got settled in on a friday, and got her room in the barracks. Saturday-Sunday night the PSG basically kicks her door in after midnight, wakes her up, and informs that if she wants to be an LT, now it is time to go do LT stuff. They drive to downtown Vicenza drunktank to pick up a PFC who assaulted his wife and a polizia, and take him back. Apparently the cadet had a cool 1000 yard stare on the passenger seat as the private is wailing in the back seat, puking everywhere, and being incoherent. PSG loves to tell the story about her interactive army leadership education. She also helps with the ensuing poo poo storm paperwork. You could say she got the garrison training you missed out on. EDIT oh yeah they also, CDT and PSG together, basically dragged the mess of a soldier into one of the cool down rooms for him to be under room restriction through the hallways all the way from the car while he is wailing and puking. I don't know how it's done elsewhere, in Italy the local authorities prefer to dump the problem children to the Army who locks them up in barracks rooms. Vahakyla fucked around with this message at 11:35 on Jul 17, 2019 |
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Jul 17, 2019 11:27
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Vahakyla posted:Now that I was reminded, my favorite enlisted story is the one from 173rd in italy with a really young and meek female cadet arriving at a time when one of the engineer platoons only had a PSG, so she gets to practice running a PL spot. I have no clue what she had in mind it was gonna include, but she got settled in on a friday, and got her room in the barracks. Saturday-Sunday night the PSG basically kicks her door in after midnight, wakes her up, and informs that if she wants to be an LT, now it is time to go do LT stuff. They drive to downtown Vicenza drunktank to pick up a PFC who assaulted his wife and a polizia, and take him back. Apparently the cadet had a cool 1000 yard stare on the passenger seat as the private is wailing in the back seat, puking everywhere, and being incoherent. PSG loves to tell the story about her interactive army leadership education. She also helps with the ensuing poo poo storm paperwork. Now THAT is how you train an LT.
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Jul 17, 2019 11:30
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Dirty Joe should get a loving pension for that poo poo. He's like a Saint of the E4 Mafia.
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Jul 17, 2019 14:05
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bird cooch posted:Things dirty Joe has done.  Respect
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Jul 17, 2019 17:20
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I thought this was the idiots thread, not the legends thread
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Jul 17, 2019 17:22
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colachute posted:I thought this was the idiots thread, not the legends thread The question all should ask themselves at every juncture: WWDJD
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Jul 17, 2019 18:04
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i would like to know more about dirty joe
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Jul 17, 2019 18:05
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dirty joe is the audie murphy of the new generation
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Jul 17, 2019 18:29
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I don't know the warboy from a few pages back is more my ideal. this guy reported at the same time as me was in my shop and shared the bathroom with me in the barracks so it's a little different when you have found your face razor in the shower and you know drat well you didn't put it in there.
bird cooch fucked around with this message at 19:02 on Jul 17, 2019 |
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Jul 17, 2019 18:46
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Dirty Joe and Warboy are two sides of a beat up coin. We're just broken apes.
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Jul 17, 2019 19:06
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bird cooch posted:Other than the time that dirty Joe hosed one of our pilots in Singapore. But that one takes a lot of backstory to establish who dirty Joe is. Backstory established, Singapore storytime now.
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Jul 17, 2019 19:12
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we sail tonight for singapore we're all as mad as dirty joe
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Jul 17, 2019 19:29
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bird cooch posted:Got out of prison a few years ago for what I don't know i want to know what they finally got dirty joe for also i want a Cool Hand Luke-esque film about his time inside e: "i bet i can drink a liter of chaw-spit"
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Jul 17, 2019 19:46
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Clearly, you’ve never been to Singapore.
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Jul 17, 2019 20:14
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Lemniscate Blue posted:Backstory established, Singapore storytime now. I reached out to one of my old buddies to try and get the whole story. I wasn't around for parts of it firsthand and I'm relying on memory from 2003-2004-ish so this may get an update at some point. For all of his faults which are multitude, dirty Joe was an amazing dancer in almost every style. And super disarming for a wild desert meth redneck. At this point dirty Joe had become a plane captain, and we had received a couple of fresh pilots mid tour. One of which was not unattractive very plain, and a total cherry. Anywho we were into the sauce hard, and everybody was having a good time and not feeling any pain that's for sure. We have this informal game where if we could find our CO or our DIVO in port they would buy us a round, pat us all on our shoulder and then melt Into the night to hide from the dirty enlisted heathens. it's not like they didn't play the game. we could usually find the one of them on the first day pretty readily posted up somewhere where he knew we'd be to informally treat, but after that they all scattered pretty hard away from the landing area where we were concentrated. Well during one of these adventures a big gang of us probably 20 strong stumbled into a Italian restaurant / bar and discovered half of our pilots and no senior enlisted (fun haters) in sight. And it was the younger half too, we had had a couple of them show up at our barracks Christmas parties and other ridiculousness so it's not like we hadn't been fairly drunk together in a controled-ish situation before. This resulted in a very ad hoc blending of our groups for the 30 or 40 minutes that we were in the bar and when we left to continue the party a few of them where heading in our direction as well towards the four-story dancehall complex. if you've been to Singapore you'll know this place called the four floors of whores informally. it's down the street from the orange blossom motel and a couple blocks away from one of the big Irish pubs that always becomes a central location during a port call. so most of us are e3s or fresh e4s. there would have been a couple of e-5s but they were definitely dirtbag e-5s so most of us had a hard libo cut at midnight to be back at the boats. so only a few people had hotel rooms except those that were banging boat donkeys and most of us were just trying to get as shithouseed as humanly possible before we had to get back on the boat, throw up, and pass out in our racks. What happened next was an hour or two of giddy debauchery, shots, prostitutes desperately trying to get 60 bucks for a toss in a bathroom stall and dirty Joe just tearing up the dance floor. More than once we had noticed dirty Joe throwing down with the Cherry and everybody thought it was, you know, basically hilarious because this gal was tossed and he was rooster cogburn drunk. Nothing untoward but had any senior enlisted or officers who had joined the military for any reason other than to be fighter pilots had seen them they would have been very very upset. At some point we started losing people to prostitutes and alcohol poisoning and random incestuous hookups the way that only a military unit can do, so nobody noticed that Joe is gone until it was time to start throwing people in cabs. We didn't leave any of our folks on the field, everybody made it back before liberty was called. Except Joe. We straight fuckin lost Joe. It was creeping up on 11:45 and while Joe was a brother-in-arms we weren't going to sacrifice the entire unit to recover his body. He's been in trouble before he be in trouble again there's only so much you can do. So with the valiant dirtbag e5s and the few e-4s who were granted overnight privilege vowing to continue the search, we retired to scramble into taxicabs and desperately try and get through the turnstiles before they started taking names. Being a minute late was just as bad as not showing up that night as far as command was concerned. So as we are standing there waiting to get on the boat 5 minutes after we have turned into theoretical pumpkins although on the safe side of the fence and here comes a ashen-faced E5 with happy looking, rumpled, shoeless, dirty Joe in tow. he sets Joe down on the ground well away from everybody else goes up and has a word with whoever was Manning the gangway onto the liberty boats and marches Joe directly on board. we managed to get on the same liberty boat but it was pretty obvious from his positioning that we were not allowed to talk to him. This isn't the first time Joe has been in trouble, but he's always managed to skate off with his skin intact. We get back to the boat Joe decides of his own volition not to come out the last day or two days or whatever it was and immediately gets sent mess cranking (temporary duty working in the ship's galley serving food or washing dishes etcetera), and has his rack is moved out of our little pack of line rat racks. Anytime somebody questioned him about it he would respond with "I can't talk about it bro", a stupid crooked smile and the sort of exaggerated tweaker shrug thing he had going on. Now nothing stays a secret forever of course so within a few weeks we find out that he was.... Picked up in a hotel room filled with an "unnamed" person's belongings and about half of his clothes and two male American voices and a female American voice having a drunken screaming match in the room next door. After he finished his cranking rotation he came back to the shop with nothing said and there was just an air of 'this is something that you don't touch" and he definitely never was assigned any of her planes and as soon as she rotated to be our DIVO he was sent to the airframe shop and I transferred squadrons. Up until the day I left his only response to somebody "yelling hey remember that time that Joe hosed the Cherry!?" Was "I can't talk about it bro", a stupid crooked smile and a matching stupid crooked shrug while holding a Bud light in one hand and his 50th cigarette of the day in his other. I'd hit him up on Facebook for the rest of the story, but for the life of me I can't remember his last name because I always just knew him as dirty Joe so I messaged my friend who was part of the task force that brought him in for the rest of the story but I don't know that I'll get it even now. to be honest I don't know that I want to know what's become of him now because in my mind he's just this goofy wasteland redneck superhero in a wife beater and jean shorts drunk somewhere getting away with far more than he ever should and I don't really want that ruined. Also I don't really want him remembering that I exist, cuz it's not like this guy was ever going to clean up his act. I'm sorry if my formatting is weird and my spelling is crap I have to use voice to text because I have difficulty using my hands for fine motion like typing on a cell phone and I'm banging this out away from my desk. Next up I'll write jrenlisted.txt/itme. I went before the mast 3 times and married someone who deployed with us. Got out, joined another branch and continued loving up like it was my job. Mast options are: CO in a bathrobe Getting kicked out of "C" School while still passing. And military equipment off the books found in my barracks roommates closet. Other story options that come to mind: My roommate gets an exchange student Getting into a fight with with the bouncers and cops to save a squad mate who wasn't actually our squadmate. Being arrested briefly in Fallon Nevada for walking out on the tab (I was unconscious) Steve-O buys a motorcycle and breaks his femur before ever getting it on the road. Selling my soul for the second time to get my brother into the coast guard and out of my parents spare bedroom after 6 years of college as Junior. Boot camp the second time around. I'll roll into the coast guard stuff as it comes along. This is fun and never get to tell these stories because I don't tell anybody generally that I served. bird cooch fucked around with this message at 22:05 on Jul 17, 2019 |
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Jul 17, 2019 21:40
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