Notable Gaming Experiences: The Gospel According to CobiWann's DM

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Nucular Carmul: Jan 26, 2005; Melongenidae incantatrix

Me and the boys playing 5e. I'm the DM, and they're level 3, I'm looking for a neat encounter while they travel to the next town, and I'm in Volo's monster book. Ooh, Flail Snail, this looks fun, and it'll be a good fat reward if they can kill it, the shell is worth a lot. As they leave the first town for the next, the guards warn them to be careful, there's a giant snail of some sort that's eating the road. (Flail Snails eat minerals as they slide disgustingly over them, and the road ahead is flat stones arranged tightly together.) The party goes back into town, and the cleric wants salt, and lots of it. "Here we go" I think, but I'm still not even on their level. I'm thinking they'd just try to salt the path in front of it, or dump it on the thing. Nope, I'm fuckin' wrong as poo poo, the shopping trip isn't over. They visit a local taphouse and ask to buy an empty pressurized keg. I allow it, because only now do I understand The Plan.

They fill up the keg with water and twenty pounds of salt. They make sure it's pumped and they ready the tap. So last night my players made a Salt Water Super Soaker to fight a giant snail. I don't even think any of them knew ahead of time that it had anti magic properties in the shell, the party is mostly people with spells or magic attacks, so it was going to be an interesting and challenging fight, but they were just like NOPE SALT. I'm not even mad, it was pretty funny.

# ? Jul 7, 2019 14:22

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# ? May 21, 2024 13:01

Slashrat: Jun 6, 2011; YOSPOS

Practical solutions that sidestep all magical bullshit are the best solutions

# ? Jul 7, 2019 14:31

Agrikk: Oct 17, 2003; Take care with that! We have not fully ascertained its function, and the ticking is accelerating.

This is so rad I don�t even

# ? Jul 7, 2019 14:31

raminasi: Jan 25, 2005; a last drink with no ice

In the Numenera game I just joined the party was tasked with kidnapping someone out of a throne room, and the GMs had set up an elaborate series of city encounters for us to fight through as we escaped. I�m sure they were very neat, but I don�t actually know, because we just blew a hole in the back wall, teleported the target into a flying machine we�d already stolen, and flew away.

# ? Jul 7, 2019 20:46

the_steve: Nov 9, 2005; We're always hiring!

I was in a PFS game once where we circumvented the entire dungeon because the elf managed to detect the secret door that the bad guys would have used to escape if the fight went bad for them.

That was also the session where my magus used the Spark cantrip to blow up a magical meth lab.

# ? Jul 7, 2019 20:56

Cartoon: Jun 20, 2008; poop

My big bad was at the top of a giant trap and monster laden stone tower. Hello Rock to mud! Cunningly cast at an angle so the whole top of the tower slid off.

# ? Jul 8, 2019 01:28

Agrikk: Oct 17, 2003; Take care with that! We have not fully ascertained its function, and the ticking is accelerating.

edit: Whoops! double post.

Agrikk fucked around with this message at 06:12 on Jul 12, 2019

# ? Jul 11, 2019 16:23

biosterous: Feb 23, 2013

You already posted that one I think

# ? Jul 11, 2019 21:39

JustJeff88: Jan 15, 2008; I AM
CONSISTENTLY
ANNOYING
...
JUST TERRIBLE

THIS BADGE OF SHAME IS WORTH 0.45 DOUBLE DRAGON ADVANCES

of SA-Mart forever

biosterous posted:

You already posted that one I think

He did. It's very good, but it's also on the previous page.

# ? Jul 11, 2019 23:47

Agrikk: Oct 17, 2003; Take care with that! We have not fully ascertained its function, and the ticking is accelerating.

Repercussions

quote:

Several days pass with Severance and I making forays into Shadow Thalos, fighting the Red Eyes and running experiments on the efficacy of magic and ordinary weapons within this realm. We never stray too far from the gate for it is comforting to see the oval splash of color hovering in space where the gate is.

One night I was lying in my bed at the Department of Sanitation Department HQ and was awoken to the squeak of a floorboard next to the window.

Blearily I call out, �Chopper, is that you messing about again�?� and as I sat up I caught the flash of a yellow cloth whipping toward my face. Reflexively I raised my hand up and managed to get my arm in front of my throat as the yellow silk was pulled tight around my throat.

Instantly the silk began to cut into my forearm and around my neck and I was dragged out of my bed onto the floor by a shadow figure swathed in black. As I fought for breath I looked up into the utterly emotionless eyes of a man intent on strangling me to death. He easily blocked my feeble efforts to strike him and focused on tightening his hold around my neck so instead I went limp and closed my eyes, fighting the stars that were appearing in the corner of my sight.

I focused my energy and cast a simple spell, one I�ve known forever. I threw all of my power behind it and my telekinesis spell flung him upwards to smash him into the ceiling to plummet hard again to the floor. But he did not let go of the cloth until he hit the floor so I was half hung, half dragged upwards to fall to the floor as well.

But the impact did free me from his strangler�s knot and I was able to roll away as he leapt to his feet. But I was quicker this time and I hit him square in the chest with a kinetic water bolt that broke ribs and collapsed him to the floor in a pool of water. To make sure I grabbed my staff and smashed it over his head as I called out the alarm.

Outside my door was footsteps and the clatter of feet so I threw it open and joined the fray. On the landing Snakeeyes was fighting with a dagger against another Strangler with another down at his feet. I saw two more making a hasty retreat down the stairs but I ran to Severance�s room, stepping over a black-clad corpse and found him looking out his window to the street below.

The fighting in the hallway ceased suddenly and I ran past Snakeeyes to check on the others. Ospar was still at the Hellbridge Temple, but I found Winston the Guildmaster purple and dead in his room with a yellow strangler�s scarf tied off around his neck.

The injustice of it made me white with rage. �He was a street sweeper. The Guildmaster of the Sanitation Department. He wasn�t wrapped up in this at all. Gods drat the Exile. She will pay.�

Snakeeyes speaks in his low wry voice, �Of course we have murdered a whole bunch of her minions.�

I whirl on him in a fury, �They were solidly mixed up in this business and got what was coming to them!�

�But we all have it coming.�

�As you say. But I�m going to make the Exile pay.�

Severance clears his throat. �Right. Okay. But fer now, we shoulda figure out what t�do now. Clearly th� Exile wants �er revenge and I canna imagine she�ll stop now. We should leave HQ fer someplace safe, so that no more attacks land on our employees.�

Snakeeyes: �We should go to the Red Axe for the night. The Accords will keep us safe until we figure out what�s next. I�ll tell Mung and Algie to get word to Ospar to meet us there when he�s done communing or whatever.�

So we grab our gear, tell Pike the Lefty that he's the new guild leader and to bury Weston and that we'd check in soon. We head through the dark of Thalos to the Red Axe and get the night watchman to give us some rooms.

# ? Jul 12, 2019 06:36

Ronwayne: Nov 20, 2007; That warm and fuzzy feeling.

Slashrat posted:

Practical solutions that sidestep all magical bullshit are the best solutions

So...yeah. Shadowrun. My pc was hanging one handed from a flying drone while radioactive flying squirrels tried to knock him into an electrified lake. As you do. Managed to draw my machine pistol and start dropping things.

All because the decker refused to go with my plan to have my engineer PC and our mage with shape material: stone tunnel in underneath the base, probably because it didn't have anything for him to hack. So he just kinda leeroy jenkins'd a frontal assault against the 7 odd toxic mages and force 8 radiation spirits. Our mage's player's internet connection dropped as the assault started so it was an all-non magical team vs all this nonsense. We only made it out because as a toxic mage clan in an evil lab they had just enough matrix connected stuff combined with just enough ignorance of IT to let us cause a major security breach along with me wirelessly detonating antimagical chemical grenades on my belt in between firing an assault rifle with warcrime ammo and hoping I get through the bullshit spirit stuff.

I guess we didn't sidestep the magical b.s. so much as went directly through it.

# ? Jul 12, 2019 09:32

Agrikk: Oct 17, 2003; Take care with that! We have not fully ascertained its function, and the ticking is accelerating.

This cracks me up. Imagine if this scenario played out for a real-life SF team:

Team Lead: Okay, we are about to raid Osama bin Laden's compound. Everyone ready?

Grunts 1-6: yep!

Grunt 7 (the guy with the door breaching charges): Yep, I mean wai- (disconnects from existence)

Team Lead: Nevermind. We don't need the breaching charges. Over the wall we go. Chaaaaarge!

# ? Jul 12, 2019 21:13

Ronwayne: Nov 20, 2007; That warm and fuzzy feeling.

It makes sense, in a World War I officer way. It was kinda like a horror movie but you're in the monster's lair because the rest of the team charged in and you gotta stick together or you'll all die. Once someone starts a thing usually the only way out is through.

# ? Jul 12, 2019 21:42

CobiWann: Oct 21, 2009; Have fun!

According to my DM's wife, gaining a third attunement slot does not mean butt sex.

# ? Jul 17, 2019 23:33

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

CobiWann posted:

According to my DM's wife, gaining a third attunement slot does not mean butt sex.

She's been reading the chat thread I see.

# ? Jul 17, 2019 23:38

Nucular Carmul: Jan 26, 2005; Melongenidae incantatrix

We had to break out geometry tonight, because our druid who got an item that expands his wild shape things, decided to fly up over an enemy's head, about fifty feet up we mathed out (this wild shape was from a previous round) then reverted and turned into a triceratops on the way down, which then forced us to break out physics to determine the damage, which involved so many dice we had to use a dice roller app.

# ? Jul 20, 2019 06:11

Synthbuttrange: May 6, 2007

okay but where are you going to find a vet who will treat a triceratops for broken legs at this time of night?!

# ? Jul 20, 2019 09:43

Ilor: Feb 2, 2008; That's a crit.

Ronwayne posted:

So...yeah. Shadowrun.

I don't know if it's still this way, but up until like 3rd Edition the spellcaster who won the "mage duel" was the first one that could get his gun out of its holster.

# ? Jul 20, 2019 18:10

Lemniscate Blue: Apr 21, 2006; Here we go again.

Ilor posted:

I don't know if it's still this way, but up until like 3rd Edition the spellcaster who won the "mage duel" was the first one that could get his gun out of its holster.

"I'm glad you changed your last name, you son of a bitch."

# ? Jul 20, 2019 18:38

Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

Lemniscate Blue posted:

"I'm glad you changed your last name, you son of a bitch."

i watched that movie one time over twenty years ago, my brain clearly has good priorities

# ? Jul 20, 2019 19:36

Ronwayne: Nov 20, 2007; That warm and fuzzy feeling.

Haha. Yeah, lower powered mages have that issue, high karma optimized shadowrun mages can do more or less anything a bullshit D&D3.5 mage could short of 9th level spells (but can summon beings who can*), and if you abuse Divination you can apparently escape consequences for your actions.

*mage:"Okay gm, I summon a force 14 spirit"
GM: "Okay"
me: "Wat. Isn't that bigger than the spirit of Seattle?"
mage: "Lol at using printed stats as any sort of scale.
me: "..."
mage: "Okay, now you need to let this thing go inside you so can have the industrial mechanics skill while it drives you around like a car."

Ronwayne fucked around with this message at 22:46 on Jul 20, 2019

# ? Jul 20, 2019 22:43

Agrikk: Oct 17, 2003; Take care with that! We have not fully ascertained its function, and the ticking is accelerating.

Lemniscate Blue posted:

"I'm glad you changed your last name, you son of a bitch."

I saw this movie for the first time when I was like eight or something. My mom let me watch it because it was rated G in the listing and I was goggle-eyed at all the violence. Elves getting machinegunned down by armies of goblins? My poor traumatized soul...

# ? Jul 21, 2019 04:50

masam: May 27, 2010

What in the hell are you guys talking about?

# ? Jul 21, 2019 18:17

Professor Bling: Nov 12, 2008; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

masam posted:

What in the hell are you guys talking about?

Wizards

# ? Jul 21, 2019 19:14

Agrikk: Oct 17, 2003; Take care with that! We have not fully ascertained its function, and the ticking is accelerating.

masam posted:

What in the hell are you guys talking about?

Wizards was an animated movie about earth after nuclear war. It was released in �77 or so. The aftermath saw the emergence of elves, dwarves and fairies, and goblins, ogres and trolls.

There were two wizard brothers who were at war with each other. And the bad wizard somehow had access to modern war technology.

Edit: holy poo poo! I didn�t know that Mark Hamil has a speaking part in that movie. Wacky!

Agrikk fucked around with this message at 20:49 on Jul 21, 2019

# ? Jul 21, 2019 20:43

masam: May 27, 2010

Wait, I think ive seen someone here who had that as an avatar. Is that the one where a gnome/dwarf lookin guy just straight up shoots a classic robes and pointy hat man? That is an ACTUAL thing?
Edit: watched the trailer. The wife and i are going to watch it sometime this week. This is a fuckin trip

masam fucked around with this message at 21:28 on Jul 21, 2019

# ? Jul 21, 2019 21:22

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

Agrikk posted:

Edit: holy poo poo! I didn�t know that Mark Hamil has a speaking part in that movie. Wacky!

If it was made in the past 40 years and animated, there's a 50% chance Mark Hamil is in it somewhere. That dude is prolific.

# ? Jul 21, 2019 23:10

Mr. Maltose: Feb 16, 2011; The Guffless Girlverine

It�s technically his first film role, because George Lucas let him take time off from filming Star Wars to do the voice work. This is also why the movie�s called Wizards, because Lucas asked Bakshi to change the name from War Wizards to avoid confusing the two movies and they had a sort of camaraderie from dealing with Fox and Ralph decided to return the favor.

# ? Jul 22, 2019 01:20

Golden Bee: Dec 24, 2009; I came here to chew bubblegum and quote 'They Live', and I'm... at an impasse.

Ran spirit of 77 again, an adventure I described playing in a long time ago. When I played it, it ended at the local hospital with a pretty standard brawl.

This time was more complicated.

Anyway, the players were hunting down Nazis who kidnapped their boss, and discovered that the Nazis were cloning Hitler from his preserved mustache.

Somehow, balancing the needs and abilities of a suburban detective, a World War II vet escape artist and a ex-con rockstar� They found the final clone, at an underground venue called Das Club.
The rocker decided to declare a secret show, sending his groupies to the payphones to tell everybody they knew to attend.
The detective found The Fuhrer in the best dressing room, and sent the escape artist to trap him under the building.

So the game ended with a brutal cat and mouse game in concrete catacombs while above, the crowd rioted, punks and ex cons versus skinheads.

# ? Jul 22, 2019 02:04

Kung Food: Dec 11, 2006; PORN WIZARD

This was a kids movie

Definitely for kids.

# ? Jul 22, 2019 02:09

Agrikk: Oct 17, 2003; Take care with that! We have not fully ascertained its function, and the ticking is accelerating.

Kung Food posted:

This was a kids movie

Definitely for kids.

Yes, this. Showtime had it rated G when I watched it with my mom.

# ? Jul 22, 2019 06:24

Whybird: Aug 2, 2009; Phaiston have long avoided the tightly competetive defence sector, but the IRDA Act 2052 has given us the freedom we need to bring out something really special.

https://team-robostar.itch.io/robostar; Nap Ghost

Hey, let's not forget the most :wtf:

moment of the thing: the secret weapon from the past which the evil wizard discovers, allowing him to begin his conquest of Earth, is Nazi propaganda.

Like, he shows his evil orcish minions footage of Hitler and it gives them superpowers.

# ? Jul 22, 2019 07:27

Agrikk: Oct 17, 2003; Take care with that! We have not fully ascertained its function, and the ticking is accelerating.

I remember something about an old reel-to-reel movie projector. Was it playing Nazi films?

# ? Jul 22, 2019 07:33

senrath: Nov 4, 2009; Look Professor, a destruct switch!

Agrikk posted:

I remember something about an old reel-to-reel movie projector. Was it playing Nazi films?

Yes.

# ? Jul 22, 2019 07:33

Kung Food: Dec 11, 2006; PORN WIZARD

I had to stop and think for a moment before posting about whether or not the big titty pixie girl from the G-rated movie for children should get a NSWF tag or not.

# ? Jul 22, 2019 07:34

Agrikk: Oct 17, 2003; Take care with that! We have not fully ascertained its function, and the ticking is accelerating.

Body Thief

quote:

We spend the next couple of days consolidating and regrouping in the Red Axe as we try to figure out our next moves and try to hunt down the Exile. Snakeeyes and I get more and more frustrated by our lack of action, while Ospar and Severance spout words of caution and patience.

Snakeeyes and I decide to take a walk down to the docks to check out the scene at the waterfront and check in on his krrf trade when we spot a man standing atop a covered rain barrel, screaming at a public that seems keen to ignore his ravings. Dressed only in a ratty robe and waving a long, charred staff, the balding human man seems to be shouting himself horse, yet the crowd still passes him by without paying much attention at all.

"Listen to me, you children of Thalos, and hear the doom that builds before your blind eyes. You in your house of gold and you in your hovel of mud and even you in your mail of metal, none of you are safe from the doom, from the Age of Chaos. Oh yes, it is coming. Have you not heard the dead dragons roar? Have you not smelled the rot festering under your very nose? Have you not dreamt of She Who Walks, bringing death to all she touches? Fools, you are all fools! Your doom is upon you! The end is in sight and none of you shall be spared. Death is the future and the future is here!"

We ask passers-by and we learn that this man is here every day, shouting about this and that. Last week he was shouting about "the dragons of the rift and the sins they proclaim" or some such nonsense. No one is really sure of his name, so most just call him the Rain Barrel Man.

When pressed, the Rain Barrel Man does not allow interruptions and when we try to question him he just stares at us with no answers forthcoming. He simply refers to himself as the "the prophet of the golden eye" and refuses to share any of his secrets. "This feels to be more of the Age of Chaos lore. If only he was actually, you know, sane enough to question." The day passes uneventfully. The only real item of note is that Allustan sends word to us to meet in a few days at the Red Axe Inn with Thadjzi Orcslayer to give us an update on his research. So we continue our idle time in the Red Axe common room spending time with members of the Maze and the LBC.

One evening we are sampling the cellar of the Red Axe Inn as we continue to wait for Allustan and after a few glasses I begin to feel uncharacteristically woozy and lightheaded so I headed up to bed and fell asleep.

The next thing I know I awaken naked and bound in some kind of cell. Its iron bars are cold and rusty and only the matted hay on the floor keeps me warm at all. I manage to sit upright, though my head is spinning, and when I look around, I see four other cells with two occupants. I quickly discover that the naked human male in the next cell is quite mad and gibbers and sobs to himself. The other cell is a female elf of some kind but she keeps her knees tucked under her chin and stares at me with a blank expression.

As I gather my bearings, Ospar walks down the corridor towards me.

�Ospar! Get me the hells out of here!�

�Oh I will,� he says and opens the door. But before I can do anything, he kicks me in the stomach and begins a thorough beating until I finally swoon. I am alternately fed and beaten by Ospar, Severance and Snakeeyes over the next while. How long it lasted and how long I was down there I had no way to tell, with only a madman and a silent elf to witness the proceedings. I had no idea what I�d done to earn their wrath and I was too weak and confused to make any sense of it.

After one beating and a nap, I was revived by Ospar with a fist to the face. As I lay there curled up in a fetal position, I saw a shadow rise up behind him and without a sound Ospar stepped into the torchlight behind Ospar and stabbed him double-handed on either side of his throat. It was all I could do but laugh at the absurdity of it. The corpse on the ground bleeds arterial blood and begins to shift form to a sexless, hairless, dark grey skinned figure and then dies.

�Be silent, my friend,� said Ospar as he cut my bonds. �There are others about.� But I recoiled from his touch as he reached for me.

As he crouches near me in the middle of the corridor, I see Snakeeyes and Severance appear with blades drawn. �Be careful!� I cry through split and battered lips. �Ospar! It�s Severance and Snakeeyes!�

�Of course it is, my friend.� says Ospar.

�No! You don�t understand! They beat me and they�ll kill me if they see me out here!�

Snakeeyes says, �Hello Pepper. You look like poo poo.�

Severance says, more diplomatically, �Th�s, you are in bad shape. Let Ospar help you and then you can decide if we are friend or foe.�

Ospar comes closer and gently lays his hands on my face as Snakeeyes begins to unwrap a largish bundle on the floor. I feel icicles in my blood and then an immediate feeling of clarity despite my wounds. �One more second,� says Ospar and puts his hands against my swollen face and I feel all of the pain that my wounds would ever cause me gathered up in one staggering instant and then nothing. Ospar steps back into a crouch and offers a quick prayer to Hextor as I stand up like I�ve just stepped out of a bath.

�What happened?� I ask, looking for a blanket to cover my nakedness. Snakeeyes motions at the bundle on the floor and I realize that it is my gear. �It�s a long story,� he says. �Thanks to you, we are no longer welcome at the Red Axe Inn. That is, your doppelganger has done quite the job on us.�

Ospar moves towards the madman and opens his cage as Snakeeyes continues. �This was five days ago now. You went up to your room after you felt woozy but came down a few hours later. You went crazy, stabbing Thadjzi with a knife, killing some of his barmaids with magic and starting a huge brawl between the Maze and the LBC that sprawled into the street. Blood was shed and the Brownshirts came in force and shut the place down and you disappeared. Ospar was able to duck behind the bar and stabilize Thadjzi but he told him to get out before the LBC and the Maze came down on all of us for breaking the Accord.�

�We had nowhere to go and everyone on the street is hunting us now. We got word to Algie, Mung and Pike the Lefty that you�d gone crazy and to help us track you down but to not approach you as you�d gone mad.�

�It took a couple of days, but Mung and Algie stalked you to this warehouse, during which time you were making a nuisance of yourself along Barge End and both the Blackshirts and Brownshirts are looking for you. We kicked in the door and killed you after you shot Severance in the head with a crossbow. Knowing that you�ve never shot a crossbow since we entered the city we felt like something was up. We�ve killed three doppelgangers so far.�

�Four,� says Ospar as he stands up from tending to the madman and looks at the grey creature on the floor. He unlocks the cell of the female elf and moves in gently to heal her. She accepts the healing stoically and silently. She says, �I am Ilya Starmane. Thank you for freeing me. Please take me to the exit of this place.�

I am angry at getting my world turned upside down yet another time and am looking for revenge but Severance nods acquiescence to her. I put my gear back on, and we head back to the entrance with Ospar guiding the way past several doppelganger corpses and other signs of violence.

When we get to the entrance Severance gives her some coins and she says only, �I know my way home from here. If you are so inclined, come to House Starmane.�

�Fine,� I say. �But first we have some things to attend.� She spins on her heel and walks into the morning light, a handful of coins and a tattered blanket her only possessions.

Snakeyes squints into the dawn. �Now then. As far as I�m concerned, we�ve been on the run for too long. On the defensive for too long. This smells like the Exile�s work, or someone of her ilk. It�s time we run them down. Run them all down.�

He turns and walks briskly back into the warehouse, called Sodden Hold from the name on the door, with mayhem on his mind.

Agrikk fucked around with this message at 06:00 on Jul 25, 2019

# ? Jul 22, 2019 07:40

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

Golden Bee posted:

So the game ended with a brutal cat and mouse game in concrete catacombs while above, the crowd rioted, punks and ex cons versus skinheads.

I'm seeing an homage to The Third Man here. Holy poo poo.

# ? Jul 22, 2019 12:18

Cartoon: Jun 20, 2008; poop

Kung Food posted:

I had to stop and think for a moment before posting about whether or not the big titty pixie girl from the G-rated movie for children should get a NSWF tag or not.

That is why you are The Porn Wizard!

# ? Jul 22, 2019 12:40

Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

dare you enter my tittilating realm?!

# ? Jul 22, 2019 20:10

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# ? May 21, 2024 13:01

Whybird: Aug 2, 2009; Phaiston have long avoided the tightly competetive defence sector, but the IRDA Act 2052 has given us the freedom we need to bring out something really special.

https://team-robostar.itch.io/robostar; Nap Ghost

senrath posted:

Yes.

Also, there was this:

Ralph Bakshi is a master of subtle imagery.

# ? Jul 22, 2019 21:04

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Notable Gaming Experiences: The Gospel According to CobiWann's DM

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